1
00:00:03,790 --> 00:00:06,090
Everyone, check your email.

2
00:00:06,092 --> 00:00:08,092
The greatest thing that could
ever happen has just happened.

3
00:00:08,094 --> 00:00:10,194
The girl who beat you for
high school valedictorian died?

4
00:00:10,196 --> 00:00:12,896
No, "Kevin Cozner
requests your presence

5
00:00:12,898 --> 00:00:14,898
At Raymond's birthday party."

6
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,400
Who's Kevin Cozner?

7
00:00:16,402 --> 00:00:19,203
Is he the star
of "Danzes with Wolvez?"

8
00:00:19,205 --> 00:00:21,805
He's captain Holt's husband.
Captain Raymond Holt.

9
00:00:21,807 --> 00:00:23,140
We're invited
to the captain's birthday party.

10
00:00:23,142 --> 00:00:25,409
Oh, the captain's party
and whatnot.

11
00:00:25,411 --> 00:00:27,845
I can't wait to see the inside
of Raymond's house.

12
00:00:27,847 --> 00:00:29,813
I'm gonna learn everything
there is to know about him.

13
00:00:29,815 --> 00:00:33,517
I bet it's really fancy,
like beauty and the beast fancy.

14
00:00:33,519 --> 00:00:35,853
No, it's probably just
an empty, white cube

15
00:00:35,855 --> 00:00:37,354
With a usb port in it
for him to plug his finger in

16
00:00:37,356 --> 00:00:39,089
When he's on sleep mode.

17
00:00:39,091 --> 00:00:42,326
Apparently, my husband Kevin
has invited you all to my party.

18
00:00:42,328 --> 00:00:44,027
There is very little
street parking, no gifts,

19
00:00:44,029 --> 00:00:47,331
No singing of happy birthday.
Should be fun.

20
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:49,833
Sounds fantastic.

21
00:00:49,835 --> 00:00:53,837
Did you hear that?
His husband invited us, not him.

22
00:00:53,839 --> 00:00:54,838
He so doesn't want us there.

23
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,240
Yes, he does.

24
00:00:56,242 --> 00:00:59,076
Mm, it was kind of
a last-minute invite.

25
00:00:59,078 --> 00:01:00,811
Just stirring the pot.

26
00:01:00,813 --> 00:01:02,112
Why wouldn't Holt
want us there?

27
00:01:02,114 --> 00:01:03,914
Because he thinks
we're going to embarrass him

28
00:01:03,916 --> 00:01:07,050
In front of his husband,
which, frankly, is insulting!

29
00:01:07,052 --> 00:01:08,919
Oh, man.

30
00:01:08,921 --> 00:01:11,121
All the orange soda
spilled out of my cereal.

31
00:01:32,011 --> 00:01:34,445
Happy birthday,
you sly, old fox.

32
00:01:34,447 --> 00:01:36,080
How many spankings is it
this year?

33
00:01:36,082 --> 00:01:38,616
Peralta, please.
Save some charm for the party.

34
00:01:38,618 --> 00:01:41,018
Oh, you mean the party that you
begrudgingly invited us to

35
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:42,853
At the last minute
'cause you don't want us there?

36
00:01:42,855 --> 00:01:44,422
I couldn't be happier
you're coming.

37
00:01:44,424 --> 00:01:46,324
And it shows.
I can't wait to meet Kevin.

38
00:01:46,326 --> 00:01:48,392
I assume he's the fun one
in the relationship.

39
00:01:48,394 --> 00:01:50,728
I'm not sure you and Kevin
will get along.

40
00:01:50,730 --> 00:01:52,663
Really?
Well, I disagree.

41
00:01:52,665 --> 00:01:55,399
In fact, I will guarantee you
that by the end of the night,

42
00:01:55,401 --> 00:01:57,435
Kev and I will be
best friends.

43
00:01:57,437 --> 00:01:58,736
He hates being called "Kev."

44
00:01:58,738 --> 00:02:01,439
Or does he?
Yes.

45
00:02:01,441 --> 00:02:03,374
Bam!

46
00:02:03,376 --> 00:02:05,843
Behold, my secret weapon
for winning over Kevin.

47
00:02:05,845 --> 00:02:08,012
In this box
is every grisly crime

48
00:02:08,014 --> 00:02:10,081
The nine-nine has worked
in the past eight years.

49
00:02:10,083 --> 00:02:12,583
Civilians love
juicy cop stories.

50
00:02:12,585 --> 00:02:14,418
Oh, I call that murder
where they strung

51
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:15,720
Fishing wire
through three guys.

52
00:02:15,722 --> 00:02:17,355
Hey, we solved that
together.

53
00:02:17,357 --> 00:02:19,056
Well, tough tetris.
I called it.

54
00:02:19,058 --> 00:02:21,859
Also, I've loaded all of my
favorite karaoke backing tracks

55
00:02:21,861 --> 00:02:23,527
Onto my phone.

56
00:02:23,529 --> 00:02:25,730
Kevin and I will be duetting
rolling in the deep!

57
00:02:25,732 --> 00:02:27,732
That's it,
emergency squad meeting,

58
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:29,567
Briefing room,
two minutes.

59
00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:33,571
Uh, adult parties?

60
00:02:33,573 --> 00:02:35,906
Sergeant, I believe
they're called orgies.

61
00:02:35,908 --> 00:02:37,141
No-look five.

62
00:02:37,143 --> 00:02:38,876
I met my wife at an orgy.

63
00:02:38,878 --> 00:02:41,078
Well,
she was leaving an orgy,

64
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,147
And we bumped into each other
on the street.

65
00:02:43,149 --> 00:02:44,849
Real meet-cute.

66
00:02:44,851 --> 00:02:48,519
Thank you for exhibiting exactly
why this meeting is necessary.

67
00:02:48,521 --> 00:02:50,154
Everyone here
needs some instruction

68
00:02:50,156 --> 00:02:52,490
On interacting
with grown-ups.

69
00:02:52,492 --> 00:02:53,891
Sergeant,
why am I here?

70
00:02:53,893 --> 00:02:55,659
I'm always
incredibly appropriate.

71
00:02:55,661 --> 00:02:58,028
In high school, I was voted
"most appropriate."

72
00:02:58,030 --> 00:03:00,598
Ooh, self burn.
Those are rare.

73
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,100
I shouldn't be here either.
I'm fine at parties.

74
00:03:03,102 --> 00:03:05,603
I just stand in the middle of
the room and don't say anything.

75
00:03:05,605 --> 00:03:07,638
Here are the rules:
No staring at your phones,

76
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,440
No rolling in
two hours late.

77
00:03:09,442 --> 00:03:12,510
No sweatpants, no jeans,
and no shorts.

78
00:03:12,512 --> 00:03:13,878
What about dress-up shorts?

79
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,746
For instance, the kind
jen aniston might wear?

80
00:03:15,748 --> 00:03:19,817
No, those are still shorts.
No shorts.

81
00:03:19,819 --> 00:03:21,185
And everyone bring
a bottle of wine.

82
00:03:21,187 --> 00:03:22,920
Why are there so many rules?
I mean, next thing

83
00:03:22,922 --> 00:03:24,722
You're gonna say is
we can't be late.

84
00:03:24,724 --> 00:03:26,624
Yeah, that's, like,
the first thing I said.

85
00:03:26,626 --> 00:03:29,527
Ohh.

86
00:03:30,662 --> 00:03:31,962
This neighborhood's amazing.

87
00:03:31,964 --> 00:03:34,732
Class just seeps
outta every vestibule.

88
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:37,535
Keep it in your pants,
Santiago.

89
00:03:37,537 --> 00:03:39,670
Scully, I specifically said,
"no shorts."

90
00:03:39,672 --> 00:03:41,205
Sarge, it's not my fault.

91
00:03:41,207 --> 00:03:43,774
You said so many things
about shorts, I got confused.

92
00:03:43,776 --> 00:03:45,476
Man, did I screw the pooch.

93
00:03:45,478 --> 00:03:46,477
Oh.
Peralta,

94
00:03:46,479 --> 00:03:47,812
Where have you been?

95
00:03:47,814 --> 00:03:49,180
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I know,

96
00:03:49,182 --> 00:03:52,450
I am threety-five minutes late.
Yikes!

97
00:03:52,452 --> 00:03:54,218
But I had to stop
and get some wine.

98
00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:58,222
Hello, good sir, I'd like your
finest bottle of wine, please.

99
00:03:58,224 --> 00:04:00,825
That will be $1,600.

100
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:04,028
Great, I'd like your $8-est
bottle of wine, please.

101
00:04:04,030 --> 00:04:07,198
It's from the finest vineyard
in arkansas.

102
00:04:09,135 --> 00:04:11,068
Ah, samesies!

103
00:04:14,474 --> 00:04:15,673
Wow.

104
00:04:15,675 --> 00:04:17,641
Wow.

105
00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:18,976
Ah, welcome.

106
00:04:18,978 --> 00:04:19,977
Captain.

107
00:04:19,979 --> 00:04:21,645
Raymond!

108
00:04:21,647 --> 00:04:23,814
Those slacks
are a knockout.

109
00:04:23,816 --> 00:04:25,149
Come on, amy.

110
00:04:25,151 --> 00:04:26,817
I trust you found my home
easy to locate,

111
00:04:26,819 --> 00:04:28,652
And thank you all for wearing
appropriate footwear.

112
00:04:28,654 --> 00:04:30,521
Wow, you really
let your hair down

113
00:04:30,523 --> 00:04:31,789
When you're not
at the office.

114
00:04:31,791 --> 00:04:34,258
Ah, detectives,
meet my husband, Kevin.

115
00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:35,693
Nice to meet you.
Hi.

116
00:04:35,695 --> 00:04:37,895
Evening, so glad
you could make it.

117
00:04:37,897 --> 00:04:40,965
Ah, and look,
he brought us some wine.

118
00:04:40,967 --> 00:04:43,534
"drink." this is legally
called "wine drink."

119
00:04:43,536 --> 00:04:45,836
Hmm, how very thoughtful.
Thank you.

120
00:04:45,838 --> 00:04:48,138
It's red.
Like blood.

121
00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:49,273
You know, I worked
a double homicide

122
00:04:49,275 --> 00:04:50,674
On this block
a couple years ago.

123
00:04:50,676 --> 00:04:52,543
The details
will astound you.

124
00:04:52,545 --> 00:04:53,644
Yes, I am sorry.

125
00:04:53,646 --> 00:04:54,812
Perhaps Raymond
didn't say anything.

126
00:04:54,814 --> 00:04:56,847
Our home has
a "no shoptalk" policy.

127
00:04:56,849 --> 00:04:58,182
I don't bring home beowulf,

128
00:04:58,184 --> 00:04:59,517
And he doesn't bring home
cop stories.

129
00:04:59,519 --> 00:05:01,752
Ah.
So may I pour you

130
00:05:01,754 --> 00:05:04,121
Some of this wine drink
you brought us?

131
00:05:04,123 --> 00:05:06,056
Perhaps all of it?

132
00:05:06,058 --> 00:05:08,592
All of it sounds good.

133
00:05:09,728 --> 00:05:11,195
Actually, ray and I met
over the phone.

134
00:05:11,197 --> 00:05:12,630
Oh, they've all heard
the story.

135
00:05:12,632 --> 00:05:14,532
No, we haven't,
and we need to.

136
00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:16,700
Well, ray was a source
for an article I was writing

137
00:05:16,702 --> 00:05:17,868
For The New Yorker.

138
00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:19,570
I asked him a series
of dry questions

139
00:05:19,572 --> 00:05:22,206
About police work, and
his answers had me in stitches.

140
00:05:22,208 --> 00:05:23,541
There's no one funnier
than ray Holt.

141
00:05:23,543 --> 00:05:25,042
Amen.
There isn't?

142
00:05:25,044 --> 00:05:26,277
We met for a drink that night,

143
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:27,278
And we've been together
ever since.

144
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,913
Yeah.

145
00:05:28,915 --> 00:05:30,981
So, Kevin, I hear you're
a professor at columbia?

146
00:05:30,983 --> 00:05:32,883
That's right, yes.
I head the classics department.

147
00:05:32,885 --> 00:05:34,818
Ah, interesting,
classics.

148
00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:40,157
Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard.
Total classics head over here.

149
00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:43,327
I'm joking, obviously.
I know what the classics are.

150
00:05:43,329 --> 00:05:46,630
The odyssey and...The one
you said when we got here,

151
00:05:46,632 --> 00:05:48,566
The wolf one.

152
00:05:48,568 --> 00:05:49,934
Kevin, why don't we go mingle

153
00:05:49,936 --> 00:05:52,603
And let the detectives
settle in?

154
00:05:54,072 --> 00:05:55,973
Boyle, what happened
to your shirt?

155
00:05:55,975 --> 00:05:57,942
I spilled
a wonderful winter salsa.

156
00:05:57,944 --> 00:05:59,977
Here, wear my shirt.
I was gonna take it off anyway.

157
00:05:59,979 --> 00:06:01,345
Hitchcock, no!

158
00:06:01,347 --> 00:06:03,581
Boyle, take my sweater.

159
00:06:05,183 --> 00:06:07,785
Fits really well.
We have similar physiques.

160
00:06:07,787 --> 00:06:09,186
We've been here
all of four minutes,

161
00:06:09,188 --> 00:06:12,189
And you guys have already
forgotten everything I said!

162
00:06:12,191 --> 00:06:14,258
Party huddle, stat!

163
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:16,994
Okay, gang,
we need a new strategy.

164
00:06:16,996 --> 00:06:18,996
Totally.
What is going on out there?

165
00:06:18,998 --> 00:06:21,332
We can't tell cop stories,
Kevin doesn't find me charming,

166
00:06:21,334 --> 00:06:23,367
And a native english speaker
referred to captain Holt

167
00:06:23,369 --> 00:06:25,970
As "hilarious."
I am flummoxed!

168
00:06:25,972 --> 00:06:28,305
That's a word I learned
for this party, and I am it!

169
00:06:28,307 --> 00:06:30,374
Well, I'm doing fine.
Really?

170
00:06:30,376 --> 00:06:32,276
"Raymond, those slacks
are a knockout."

171
00:06:32,278 --> 00:06:33,777
do you think he heard that?

172
00:06:33,779 --> 00:06:34,812
Only 'cause you yelled it.

173
00:06:34,814 --> 00:06:36,113
Shut up.

174
00:06:36,115 --> 00:06:38,115
From now on,
we play to our strengths.

175
00:06:38,117 --> 00:06:39,984
Charles, you know everything
about food.

176
00:06:39,986 --> 00:06:41,318
That's all you talk about.

177
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,355
Will ever know everything
about food.

178
00:06:44,357 --> 00:06:45,823
It's an evolving discipline.

179
00:06:45,825 --> 00:06:47,224
That's great stuff.

180
00:06:47,226 --> 00:06:49,293
It's so boring.
Don't waste it.

181
00:06:49,295 --> 00:06:50,961
Amy, you studied art history.

182
00:06:50,963 --> 00:06:52,162
That's interesting.

183
00:06:52,164 --> 00:06:53,964
Scully, opera.

184
00:06:53,966 --> 00:06:57,201
Hitchcock, nothing.
Talk about nothing.

185
00:06:57,203 --> 00:06:59,303
Rosa, stick with Gina.

186
00:06:59,305 --> 00:07:01,071
Make sure she doesn't say
anything insane

187
00:07:01,073 --> 00:07:02,072
Or steal anything.

188
00:07:02,074 --> 00:07:03,941
Too late.

189
00:07:03,943 --> 00:07:06,910
Don't worry, it's just, like,
hats and scarves and stuff.

190
00:07:06,912 --> 00:07:09,213
She will put those back.
I will handle the chitchat.

191
00:07:09,215 --> 00:07:10,781
Well, that just leaves you,
Peralta.

192
00:07:10,783 --> 00:07:12,950
What's your cultural specialty?

193
00:07:12,952 --> 00:07:14,351
Easy, Kevin mentioned
The New Yorker,

194
00:07:14,353 --> 00:07:16,286
And I've totally
read that.

195
00:07:20,292 --> 00:07:23,927
Keep a low profile,
chuckle at anecdotes.

196
00:07:23,929 --> 00:07:25,429
Try not to start
any conversations.

197
00:07:25,431 --> 00:07:27,097
Got it.

198
00:07:27,099 --> 00:07:29,366
Wait a minute,
you're Hitchcocking me?

199
00:07:29,368 --> 00:07:31,769
Well, not surprising.
We're practically twins.

200
00:07:31,771 --> 00:07:34,705
"be appropriate," on three.
Quietly.

201
00:07:34,707 --> 00:07:36,707
One, two, three.

202
00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:39,209
Be appropriate.

203
00:07:39,211 --> 00:07:40,911
Now, break it up.
We look weird.

204
00:07:40,913 --> 00:07:43,080
Okay.

205
00:07:46,217 --> 00:07:49,253
Don't move as a group.
You're not gazelles.

206
00:07:54,226 --> 00:07:56,327
No, no,
I said, "millimeters."

207
00:07:59,099 --> 00:08:02,066
Oh, Ray, I'm gonna choke
from laughter.

208
00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:03,234
You're too funny!

209
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:08,172
Yes, great humor words,
Raymond.

210
00:08:08,174 --> 00:08:10,241
You know, it reminds me
of a very interesting article

211
00:08:10,243 --> 00:08:12,277
I read about human trafficking
in The New Yorker.

212
00:08:12,279 --> 00:08:13,444
No, it doesn't.
Oh.

213
00:08:13,446 --> 00:08:15,146
The one written
by David Remnick.

214
00:08:15,148 --> 00:08:17,015
I loved that piece,
from four weeks ago.

215
00:08:17,017 --> 00:08:19,550
Or was it three weeks?
No, four.

216
00:08:19,552 --> 00:08:21,953
Anyways, I was riveted.

217
00:08:21,955 --> 00:08:24,122
I'm a huge New Yorker guy.

218
00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:26,090
I could talk
about that article for hours.

219
00:08:26,092 --> 00:08:27,258
Great.
That's unnecessary.

220
00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:28,259
Let's do that right now.

221
00:08:28,261 --> 00:08:29,994
Let's do.

222
00:08:29,996 --> 00:08:32,430
Ah, there they are.
Kevin, let's greet our guests.

223
00:08:32,432 --> 00:08:34,666
Oh. Mm-hmm.
Duty calls.

224
00:08:35,935 --> 00:08:37,368
To be continued.

225
00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:40,338
Totes!
Can't wait!

226
00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:42,073
I can wait.

227
00:08:42,075 --> 00:08:43,541
All I remember
about that article is the title.

228
00:08:43,543 --> 00:08:45,376
I was hopped up
on nitrous.

229
00:08:45,378 --> 00:08:47,078
Well, we gotta find
that magazine.

230
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,246
It's gotta be in here
somewhere, right?

231
00:08:48,248 --> 00:08:50,548
This place is like
a candy store for nerds.

232
00:08:50,550 --> 00:08:54,118
Stop eating crab wrong!

233
00:08:55,721 --> 00:08:59,390
Ah, pepper relish
on your arancini.

234
00:08:59,392 --> 00:09:01,392
Very playful.
Cut through the richness,

235
00:09:01,394 --> 00:09:03,394
Add a little levity.
I love that.

236
00:09:03,396 --> 00:09:05,229
You really know your food.

237
00:09:05,231 --> 00:09:06,264
Well, you could say
it's the only thing

238
00:09:06,266 --> 00:09:07,465
I'm allowed to talk about.

239
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:10,001
I'm Charles.
I work with captain Holt.

240
00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:13,004
I'm vivian ludley.
I work with Kevin.

241
00:09:13,006 --> 00:09:15,173
No.
The vivian ludley?

242
00:09:15,175 --> 00:09:17,241
Author of stone fruits
and stone-stones:

243
00:09:17,243 --> 00:09:20,311
Food of the paleolithic era?
I'm a huge fan!

244
00:09:20,313 --> 00:09:22,613
It's got the best recipes
for making salads out of moss.

245
00:09:22,615 --> 00:09:27,018
The trick is, you have
to lean into the dirt taste.

246
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:29,220
Aha.
Mm-hmm.

247
00:09:29,222 --> 00:09:33,624
Chickpeas, tahini,
smoked paprika...

248
00:09:33,626 --> 00:09:35,460
They make their own hummus.

249
00:09:35,462 --> 00:09:37,161
Santiago?

250
00:09:37,163 --> 00:09:38,162
Sergeant!

251
00:09:38,164 --> 00:09:39,731
I'm learning so much.

252
00:09:39,733 --> 00:09:43,001
We both have blue hand towels,
we have the same microwave,

253
00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:45,636
And once I buy coasters
made out of geodes,

254
00:09:45,638 --> 00:09:46,637
We'll both have those.

255
00:09:46,639 --> 00:09:48,373
Yeah.

256
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,742
No, hey!
My notes!

257
00:09:50,744 --> 00:09:53,544
This is a birthday party,
not a recon mission.

258
00:09:53,546 --> 00:09:56,681
You can get this back
at the end of the night.

259
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,349
All right.

260
00:09:58,351 --> 00:09:59,317
Let's go interact
with these dummies.

261
00:09:59,319 --> 00:10:00,718
Wait here.

262
00:10:02,621 --> 00:10:04,222
What do you teach?

263
00:10:04,224 --> 00:10:05,390
Comparative historiography

264
00:10:05,392 --> 00:10:07,191
Of the French
and American revolutions.

265
00:10:07,193 --> 00:10:08,626
Nope.
How 'bout you?

266
00:10:08,628 --> 00:10:10,328
Molecular biology.

267
00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:12,230
Worse.
What do you study?

268
00:10:12,232 --> 00:10:14,032
Abnormal psychology.

269
00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:16,801
So, like,
weirdos and freaks.

270
00:10:16,803 --> 00:10:18,269
You should meet my friend.

271
00:10:18,271 --> 00:10:21,072
Hey.

272
00:10:21,074 --> 00:10:22,807
Gina, what are you
thinking about right now?

273
00:10:22,809 --> 00:10:27,045
I was thinking how I would make
the perfect american president,

274
00:10:27,047 --> 00:10:31,716
Based upon my skill set,
dance ability, and bloodlust.

275
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:35,186
That is fascinating.

276
00:10:36,322 --> 00:10:38,456
"ah-shan-ti."

277
00:10:43,195 --> 00:10:47,365
Oh, man, it's black Tom Selleck
and white Sidney Poitier.

278
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:50,334
Come on.

279
00:10:50,336 --> 00:10:52,103
All books and no magazines?

280
00:10:52,105 --> 00:10:55,206
What kind of crappy library's
full of books?

281
00:10:55,208 --> 00:10:57,341
A crap library.

282
00:10:57,343 --> 00:10:59,077
All of the magazines
are in the bathroom.

283
00:10:59,079 --> 00:11:00,645
Great solve, Peralta.

284
00:11:00,647 --> 00:11:01,712
Ah!

285
00:11:01,714 --> 00:11:03,114
Can I help you?

286
00:11:03,116 --> 00:11:04,382
Captain.

287
00:11:04,384 --> 00:11:06,451
I didn't hear you
silently sneak up on me.

288
00:11:06,453 --> 00:11:09,320
Oh, that reminds me, tell Kevin
that I am available for brunch

289
00:11:09,322 --> 00:11:10,321
On Sunday the 17th.

290
00:11:10,323 --> 00:11:12,290
The 17th is a Tuesday.

291
00:11:12,292 --> 00:11:15,326
Why are you talking about
The New Yorker all of a sudden?

292
00:11:15,328 --> 00:11:17,095
I always talk
about smart stuff.

293
00:11:17,097 --> 00:11:19,730
You know, the jazz age,
what's in a name,

294
00:11:19,732 --> 00:11:23,201
The 1950s movies
that are from the '50s.

295
00:11:23,203 --> 00:11:26,304
Those were the categories
on Jeopardy last night.

296
00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:27,772
Don't try so hard
to impress my husband.

297
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,841
Yes, sir.

298
00:11:32,244 --> 00:11:34,378
To the crap library.

299
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:38,282
April 13th, May 2nd...

300
00:11:38,284 --> 00:11:41,219
Come on! Why doesn't my life
always work out perfectly?

301
00:11:42,622 --> 00:11:45,723
Uh, just a second!
I'm halfway done!

302
00:11:45,725 --> 00:11:48,259
I'm halfway there,
I'm halfway done...

303
00:11:48,261 --> 00:11:51,562
With what's happening
in here.
Okay.

304
00:11:51,564 --> 00:11:56,467
♪ una furtiva lagrima ♪

305
00:11:56,469 --> 00:11:58,402
This song gets to me
every time.

306
00:11:58,404 --> 00:12:00,872
It's beautiful.
You must be so proud.

307
00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:02,240
I sure am.

308
00:12:02,242 --> 00:12:03,808
How long have you two
been together?

309
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,776
We've been partners
for almost 30 years.

310
00:12:05,778 --> 00:12:08,446
So do you two ever
get harassed at work?

311
00:12:08,448 --> 00:12:10,481
Harassed?
For what?

312
00:12:10,483 --> 00:12:13,618
For being a gay couple
who works together in the nypd.

313
00:12:13,620 --> 00:12:17,455
Bu-u-u-ooh...

314
00:12:17,457 --> 00:12:20,324
Peralta.
Hey, don't you one-minute me.

315
00:12:20,326 --> 00:12:22,460
I will break that finger off.
Hang up that phone.

316
00:12:22,462 --> 00:12:24,295
I'm talking
to my credit card company.

317
00:12:24,297 --> 00:12:26,230
I tried to get an online
subscription to The New Yorker,

318
00:12:26,232 --> 00:12:27,532
And they declined me.

319
00:12:27,534 --> 00:12:29,467
Apparently,
based on my previous purchases,

320
00:12:29,469 --> 00:12:30,835
They assumed it was fraud.

321
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,637
That's crazy.
I'm fancy.

322
00:12:32,639 --> 00:12:35,339
One time, I had
coffee-flavored ice cream.

323
00:12:35,341 --> 00:12:36,507
Shut up!
Okay.

324
00:12:36,509 --> 00:12:38,409
Hang up now.

325
00:12:38,411 --> 00:12:40,411
If you're that desperate,
the first two paragraphs

326
00:12:40,413 --> 00:12:41,879
Of the article
are on the free site.

327
00:12:41,881 --> 00:12:43,681
Hmm.
You have one minute
to look it up,

328
00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:47,318
And then if I catch you
on that phone again...

329
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,287
Oh, my.
Don't worry.

330
00:12:49,289 --> 00:12:52,823
I'm due for an upgrade,
and my babies are on the cloud.

331
00:12:54,526 --> 00:12:56,427
He is so strong.

332
00:12:58,564 --> 00:12:59,797
Ah, thank you.

333
00:12:59,799 --> 00:13:01,299
Lovely party, Kevin.

334
00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:03,968
These tiny pickles
are hilarious.

335
00:13:03,970 --> 00:13:07,672
They're called cornichon.

336
00:13:07,674 --> 00:13:09,907
So that New Yorker article
about human trafficking

337
00:13:09,909 --> 00:13:11,576
We were discussing--
yes, so interesting,

338
00:13:11,578 --> 00:13:13,878
Especially
the first two paragraphs.

339
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,713
Right, but what did you think
of the thesis,

340
00:13:15,715 --> 00:13:18,849
Vis-a-vis modern slavery and its
undeniable role in the economy?

341
00:13:18,851 --> 00:13:20,818
Good.

342
00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:23,421
If you ask me, the whole thesis
was way off base,

343
00:13:23,423 --> 00:13:25,223
Vis-a-vis
the rest of the article

344
00:13:25,225 --> 00:13:28,759
Vis-a-vis...America.

345
00:13:29,828 --> 00:13:31,662
The article
was antislavery.

346
00:13:31,664 --> 00:13:33,464
Are you saying
that slavery is good?

347
00:13:33,466 --> 00:13:34,899
You know, I think you're missing
the point of the article.

348
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,400
You must not be
remembering it right.

349
00:13:36,402 --> 00:13:38,369
Well, I just read it
last night as I got in bed.

350
00:13:38,371 --> 00:13:39,370
It's quite fresh
in my memory.

351
00:13:39,372 --> 00:13:41,239
Ah.
You know,

352
00:13:41,241 --> 00:13:42,974
I would like to hear
more of your thoughts.

353
00:13:42,976 --> 00:13:44,775
And I would love
to give them to you,

354
00:13:44,777 --> 00:13:47,011
But unfortunately, I have
got to hit the crap library.

355
00:13:47,013 --> 00:13:49,814
Excuse me one second.

356
00:13:49,816 --> 00:13:52,316
My last meal on earth?
Mm.

357
00:13:52,318 --> 00:13:53,718
That's a great question.

358
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,988
I'd go classic french.
Ortolan.

359
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:59,724
Tiny songbird,
eaten in a single bite,

360
00:13:59,726 --> 00:14:02,260
Bones and all
in open defiance of god.

361
00:14:02,262 --> 00:14:04,028
It's illegal
to consume ortolan,

362
00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:07,632
But I actually got academic
dispensation to eat one once.

363
00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:09,934
Ohh.
The beak, very crunchy.

364
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:13,904
That is literally the sexiest
thing anyone has ever said.

365
00:14:13,906 --> 00:14:15,373
How are you single?

366
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:18,809
You're not seeing anyone?

367
00:14:20,912 --> 00:14:24,348
No.
There is nobody in my life.

368
00:14:26,018 --> 00:14:29,287
Sort of a sad thing
to wink about, I realize now.

369
00:14:29,289 --> 00:14:30,955
Aren't you supposed to be
babysitting Gina?

370
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,790
Doesn't need my help.

371
00:14:32,792 --> 00:14:34,992
She's over there,
dazzling some psychologists.

372
00:14:34,994 --> 00:14:37,595
All men are at least 30%
attracted to me.

373
00:14:37,597 --> 00:14:39,630
My mother cried
the day I was born,

374
00:14:39,632 --> 00:14:42,733
Because she knew she would
never be better than me.

375
00:14:42,735 --> 00:14:45,036
At any given moment,
I'm thinking about one thing:

376
00:14:45,038 --> 00:14:48,606
Richard dreyfuss hunkered over
eating dog food.

377
00:14:48,608 --> 00:14:51,542
I feel like
I'm the paris of people.

378
00:14:51,544 --> 00:14:53,978
Complete overlap of ego and id.

379
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,346
It's been theorized,

380
00:14:55,348 --> 00:14:57,081
But I never thought
I'd see it.

381
00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:58,382
I'm exquisite.

382
00:15:04,457 --> 00:15:06,457
I can't believe
I'm frenching in the closet.

383
00:15:06,459 --> 00:15:08,025
I feel like a teenager!

384
00:15:08,027 --> 00:15:09,960
I feel like I'm 40 again.

385
00:15:09,962 --> 00:15:10,995
Chew on this shiso leaf.

386
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,963
It'll give our kissing

387
00:15:12,965 --> 00:15:14,865
Umami flavor.

388
00:15:21,373 --> 00:15:23,574
Delicious.

389
00:15:24,843 --> 00:15:27,912
Time to put my newfound
knowledge to the test.

390
00:15:27,914 --> 00:15:32,083
So, sir, popcorn setting,
always too short, am I right?

391
00:15:32,085 --> 00:15:33,818
I'm sorry?

392
00:15:33,820 --> 00:15:36,487
On our microwave.
We have the same microwave.

393
00:15:36,489 --> 00:15:39,957
Oh, I didn't buy it.
It came with the house.

394
00:15:39,959 --> 00:15:42,860
Hummus.
Thoughts?

395
00:15:42,862 --> 00:15:46,097
I have no thoughts
about hummus.

396
00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:47,865
If you'll excuse me.

397
00:15:47,867 --> 00:15:49,734
Yeah.

398
00:15:51,636 --> 00:15:53,771
Blink twice if you'd like me
to mercy kill you.

399
00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,039
I thought I had done
enough recon,

400
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,875
But clearly, I have only
scratched the surface.

401
00:15:57,877 --> 00:16:00,378
If I'm gonna bond with him,

402
00:16:00,380 --> 00:16:02,913
I have to massively violate
his privacy.

403
00:16:02,915 --> 00:16:04,849
But truffaut
wrote breathless,

404
00:16:04,851 --> 00:16:07,385
And I've always considered
movies a writer's medium.

405
00:16:07,387 --> 00:16:10,554
I can't agree.
It's godard's film.

406
00:16:10,556 --> 00:16:11,922
Come on!

407
00:16:11,924 --> 00:16:13,958
I mean, truffaut
is also important.

408
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,061
Seriously?
Hold this, I gotta go.

409
00:16:18,930 --> 00:16:21,699
Wow.
Maybe it is truffaut's film.

410
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:24,735
Mighty dvr, tell me
the captain's secrets.

411
00:16:24,737 --> 00:16:26,537
Unveil yourself to me.

412
00:16:26,539 --> 00:16:29,173
Ooh, how it's made:
Contact lenses.

413
00:16:29,175 --> 00:16:31,642
Bingo!

414
00:16:32,712 --> 00:16:33,878
What are you doing here?

415
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,113
I--what? I'm not.
What are you doing here?

416
00:16:36,115 --> 00:16:38,015
I need to find a New Yorker
that Kevin left by the bed,

417
00:16:38,017 --> 00:16:40,785
So I can justify
this whole proslavery stance

418
00:16:40,787 --> 00:16:41,919
I've backed myself into.

419
00:16:42,922 --> 00:16:44,722
Detectives!

420
00:16:44,724 --> 00:16:46,090
Sarge! I see that you,

421
00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:49,460
Like I, came up here
to chastise Santiago.

422
00:16:49,462 --> 00:16:51,629
Amy, this is low,
even for you.

423
00:16:51,631 --> 00:16:54,432
I cannot believe
you would both violate

424
00:16:54,434 --> 00:16:55,833
The "please stay downstairs"
rule,

425
00:16:55,835 --> 00:16:57,435
Which was prominently posted!

426
00:16:57,437 --> 00:16:59,637
Get outta here!

427
00:16:59,639 --> 00:17:01,772
I don't know why we have to
have this discussion again.

428
00:17:01,774 --> 00:17:02,773
What do we do?

429
00:17:02,775 --> 00:17:04,875
Bathroom! Bathroom.

430
00:17:07,646 --> 00:17:09,079
Why are you upset with me?

431
00:17:09,081 --> 00:17:10,881
Your employees are the ones
putting a damper on the party.

432
00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:12,616
They are acting terribly.

433
00:17:12,618 --> 00:17:13,984
You're the one who's been
acting terribly tonight.

434
00:17:13,986 --> 00:17:16,086
You've been curt and snobby
with my guests.

435
00:17:16,088 --> 00:17:17,955
You've been needling
poor Peralta so much,

436
00:17:17,957 --> 00:17:19,657
You've practically
made him a new suit.

437
00:17:19,659 --> 00:17:20,991
Needled him a new suit.

438
00:17:20,993 --> 00:17:22,726
Even when we're fighting,
you're hilarious.

439
00:17:22,728 --> 00:17:24,562
Stop it.
Stop it.

440
00:17:24,564 --> 00:17:27,798
Oh, no!
Dog, allergies, sneezing.

441
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,899
No! Get away!

442
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:29,900
Shh.

443
00:17:29,902 --> 00:17:31,836
Grab the dog!

444
00:17:35,607 --> 00:17:37,007
Look at me.

445
00:17:37,009 --> 00:17:40,010
Do not blow this for us.

446
00:17:40,012 --> 00:17:41,645
You know what, I knew
this wasn't going to work.

447
00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:43,514
It never has.
We should've just gone out

448
00:17:43,516 --> 00:17:44,915
For dinner to a restaurant,
like we do every year.

449
00:17:44,917 --> 00:17:46,717
Why did you make me
invite them?

450
00:17:46,719 --> 00:17:48,752
I made you invite them
because I like them.

451
00:17:48,754 --> 00:17:50,020
They're good people.

452
00:17:53,893 --> 00:17:55,993
Santiago, are you hiding
in my bathroom

453
00:17:55,995 --> 00:17:58,929
With a dog that
you're deathly allergic to?

454
00:17:58,931 --> 00:18:00,264
No.

455
00:18:04,970 --> 00:18:06,971
Occupied?

456
00:18:09,409 --> 00:18:11,110
Well, this has been
a stinky 12 hours.

457
00:18:11,112 --> 00:18:12,745
My computer bag got a hole
in the bottom,

458
00:18:12,747 --> 00:18:14,380
And my power cord
fell out.

459
00:18:14,382 --> 00:18:16,548
Last night
was such a disaster.

460
00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:18,684
I wheeze-cried myself
to sleep.

461
00:18:18,686 --> 00:18:20,552
Well, at least captain
said he liked us,

462
00:18:20,554 --> 00:18:22,254
Right before he kicked us
out of his house

463
00:18:22,256 --> 00:18:23,489
For violating his trust.

464
00:18:23,491 --> 00:18:25,391
Why didn't Kevin
want to invite us?

465
00:18:25,393 --> 00:18:27,559
We could have been
really cool people.

466
00:18:27,561 --> 00:18:29,762
We weren't,
but we could've been.

467
00:18:29,764 --> 00:18:32,197
Well, as soon as he unveiled
his "no cop talk" policy,

468
00:18:32,199 --> 00:18:33,632
I was sunk.

469
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,601
Gruesome murders are
the cornerstone of my charm.

470
00:18:35,603 --> 00:18:37,469
Well, he spent the last 30 years
with a cop.

471
00:18:37,471 --> 00:18:39,605
Maybe he's sick
of hearing about it.

472
00:18:39,607 --> 00:18:41,507
Wait.

473
00:18:41,509 --> 00:18:44,209
Maybe that's not
what he's sick of.

474
00:18:44,211 --> 00:18:47,179
Santiago, you brilliant bastard,
you figured it out!

475
00:18:51,484 --> 00:18:53,685
Hello again,
professor Kevin Cozner.

476
00:18:53,687 --> 00:18:55,387
What do you want?

477
00:18:55,389 --> 00:18:58,123
I'd like to tell you
about a case I solved.

478
00:18:58,125 --> 00:18:59,625
Thank you,
but just as with my home,

479
00:18:59,627 --> 00:19:01,627
My office has a strict
"no cop talk" policy.

480
00:19:01,629 --> 00:19:03,462
I figured, but the case
that I have solved

481
00:19:03,464 --> 00:19:05,664
Is the case
of the "no cop talk" policy.

482
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:08,634
There were three things that
bothered me about last night:

483
00:19:08,636 --> 00:19:10,536
You didn't want the nine-nine
at your party,

484
00:19:10,538 --> 00:19:12,337
Even though
you'd never met us,

485
00:19:12,339 --> 00:19:13,772
Your friends immediately
asked Hitchcock and Scully

486
00:19:13,774 --> 00:19:15,474
If they were harassed,

487
00:19:15,476 --> 00:19:16,708
And there was
something interesting

488
00:19:16,710 --> 00:19:18,710
About that photo
in your library--

489
00:19:18,712 --> 00:19:21,146
You and the captain
were shunted off to the side.

490
00:19:21,148 --> 00:19:22,648
I don't think
you dislike cop talk.

491
00:19:22,650 --> 00:19:24,483
I think you dislike cops.

492
00:19:24,485 --> 00:19:26,251
I'm married to one.

493
00:19:26,253 --> 00:19:28,153
I know, and I can't imagine
it's been fun

494
00:19:28,155 --> 00:19:30,722
Watching the man you love
marGinalized, underappreciated,

495
00:19:30,724 --> 00:19:32,658
And disrespected
by the nypd.

496
00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:34,626
Because he's gay, Raymond
has been put through hell

497
00:19:34,628 --> 00:19:36,395
By his colleagues,
many of whom,

498
00:19:36,397 --> 00:19:38,297
Quite frankly,
look exactly like you.

499
00:19:38,299 --> 00:19:41,133
Devastatingly handsome?

500
00:19:41,135 --> 00:19:42,601
I'm sorry,
I'm uncomfortable with emotions.

501
00:19:42,603 --> 00:19:44,670
So yes, I decided
a long time ago

502
00:19:44,672 --> 00:19:46,472
That just because
I love Raymond

503
00:19:46,474 --> 00:19:49,374
Doesn't mean I have to love
the people he works with.

504
00:19:49,376 --> 00:19:50,676
Good solve, detective.

505
00:19:50,678 --> 00:19:52,377
Nice cop lingo.

506
00:19:52,379 --> 00:19:55,714
Look, I'm really sorry
that we ruined your party.

507
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:57,516
I'd like to make it up
to you.

508
00:19:57,518 --> 00:19:59,818
Captain, thank you
for joining us.

509
00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:01,253
What's going on?

510
00:20:01,255 --> 00:20:02,621
A proper birthday dinner.

511
00:20:02,623 --> 00:20:04,223
Amy chose the restaurant.

512
00:20:04,225 --> 00:20:05,724
Captain.

513
00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:08,494
Ah, perfect.
I've always wanted to come here.

514
00:20:08,496 --> 00:20:09,795
Boyle picked the menu.

515
00:20:09,797 --> 00:20:11,597
Vivian helped.

516
00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:13,799
Terry chose the champagne.

517
00:20:13,801 --> 00:20:16,201
I'm sorry
about your party, sir.

518
00:20:16,203 --> 00:20:18,704
I tried to keep them in line,
but I failed.

519
00:20:18,706 --> 00:20:20,472
Well, that's not your job.
I'm only sorry

520
00:20:20,474 --> 00:20:21,707
You didn't get a chance
to enjoy yourself.

521
00:20:21,709 --> 00:20:24,209
Gina has brought back
all the silverware

522
00:20:24,211 --> 00:20:25,878
That she stole
from your house.

523
00:20:27,714 --> 00:20:30,782
What?
Also, this clock.

524
00:20:30,784 --> 00:20:31,783
Good heavens.

525
00:20:31,785 --> 00:20:33,385
This isn't ours.

526
00:20:33,387 --> 00:20:35,320
And my contribution
will be to refrain

527
00:20:35,322 --> 00:20:38,724
From discussing The New Yorker
for the rest of my living days.

528
00:20:38,726 --> 00:20:40,926
Enjoy.
Thank you, jake.

529
00:20:40,928 --> 00:20:42,694
You're welcome, Kevin.
Call me "Kev."

530
00:20:42,696 --> 00:20:44,563
Oh.
What?

531
00:20:44,565 --> 00:20:46,231
Oh, he told you to say that,
didn't he?

532
00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:48,400
Well, you are always playing
pranks on me, Raymond.

533
00:20:48,402 --> 00:20:49,601
Just once, let me
be the funny one.

534
00:20:50,871 --> 00:20:52,704
And finally,
it is my great pleasure

535
00:20:52,706 --> 00:20:55,674
To introduce the nine-nine zone
detective Scully

536
00:20:55,676 --> 00:20:57,709
To serenade you.

537
00:20:57,711 --> 00:21:01,380
♪ ma n'atu sole ♪

538
00:21:01,382 --> 00:21:04,750
♪ cchiu bello, oi ne'

539
00:21:04,752 --> 00:21:07,219
♪ o sole mio ♪

540
00:21:07,221 --> 00:21:09,721
♪ sta 'nfronte a te ♪

541
00:21:09,723 --> 00:21:11,223
This part
always gets me.

542
00:21:11,225 --> 00:21:16,828
♪ o sole
o sole mio ♪