1 00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:06,080 All right, gang, Diet Day Four. 2 00:00:06,614 --> 00:00:08,281 How's everyone holding up? 3 00:00:08,316 --> 00:00:10,384 Honestly, I'm going to last forever. 4 00:00:10,418 --> 00:00:14,488 You hear that, bitches? 5 00:00:14,522 --> 00:00:16,022 I'm doing great. 6 00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,624 This morning the homeless guy on my stoop 7 00:00:17,658 --> 00:00:18,825 said my skin looked dope. 8 00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:20,160 What's going on? 9 00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:21,995 Why do you all have matching bags? 10 00:00:22,029 --> 00:00:24,498 We're doing a diet together. My wife found it. 11 00:00:24,532 --> 00:00:26,900 She heard about it at Mommy And Me Graphic Design. 12 00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:29,403 Wait, it might've been Toddler Karate. 13 00:00:29,437 --> 00:00:31,718 She takes our little ladies to so many classes, 14 00:00:31,739 --> 00:00:32,873 I can't keep it straight. 15 00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:34,708 Childhood is truly a time of wonder. 16 00:00:34,742 --> 00:00:36,943 This diet is very scientific, sir. 17 00:00:36,978 --> 00:00:39,378 All the meals are pre-planned and delivered to your doorstep. 18 00:00:39,403 --> 00:00:41,103 This is our breakfast: 19 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:44,328 An orange wedge, three cashew nuts... and a solitarie grape. 20 00:00:44,421 --> 00:00:46,222 It's actually more than you realize. 21 00:00:46,257 --> 00:00:48,691 Sometimes I can't even finish all the grape. 22 00:00:48,726 --> 00:00:51,160 This seems unnecessary to me. You're all in perfect shape. 23 00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:52,896 You can always be healthier, sir. 24 00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:54,430 And I like the challenge. 25 00:00:54,465 --> 00:00:55,832 Plus, it's good team building. 26 00:00:55,866 --> 00:00:57,834 We're gonna get through this together. 27 00:00:57,868 --> 00:00:59,702 Hey, guys, pro tip. 28 00:00:59,737 --> 00:01:02,572 Lick the baggie. There's food molecules in there. 29 00:01:02,606 --> 00:01:04,240 Oh. Oh, that's so smart. 30 00:01:04,275 --> 00:01:06,109 Mmm. 31 00:01:09,671 --> 00:01:14,171 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 32 00:01:27,498 --> 00:01:30,166 What are you doing here? Isn't it your day off? 33 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,368 Yeah, stalker. It is my day off. 34 00:01:32,403 --> 00:01:33,736 But I am here to meet Charles. 35 00:01:33,771 --> 00:01:35,338 Did you hear what he did last night? 36 00:01:35,372 --> 00:01:37,473 Drink it, Jake. Drink it. 37 00:01:37,508 --> 00:01:40,443 What's up your tiny sleeve? 38 00:01:40,477 --> 00:01:43,112 Oh! 39 00:01:43,147 --> 00:01:44,847 Why is there a bow tie in here? 40 00:01:44,882 --> 00:01:46,082 Wait a minute. 41 00:01:46,116 --> 00:01:47,750 Jake Peralta, will you be my best man? 42 00:01:47,785 --> 00:01:50,887 Yes. Yes! A thousand times, yes! 43 00:01:50,921 --> 00:01:52,989 Wow. Best man. 44 00:01:53,023 --> 00:01:55,692 So are you gonna set up shop in a strip club? 45 00:01:55,726 --> 00:01:57,460 What kind of shop would I set up? 46 00:01:57,494 --> 00:01:59,996 Hand sanitizer. I would sell hand sanitizer. 47 00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:01,331 And no. 48 00:02:01,365 --> 00:02:02,765 I was hoping that my best-man duties 49 00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:04,067 would be all whiskey and cigars, 50 00:02:04,101 --> 00:02:05,568 but this is Charles we're talking about. 51 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,604 So we've got two straight days of wedding planning, 52 00:02:07,638 --> 00:02:09,672 plus, he gave me this to prep. 53 00:02:09,707 --> 00:02:11,975 Fancy Brudgom! 54 00:02:12,009 --> 00:02:14,043 It means "fancy groom" in Danish. 55 00:02:14,078 --> 00:02:15,445 According to Charles, 56 00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:16,980 the Danes throw the most beautiful weddings in the world 57 00:02:17,014 --> 00:02:19,849 and the most violent funerals. 58 00:02:19,884 --> 00:02:22,852 This does not look like something you'd be into. 59 00:02:22,887 --> 00:02:24,120 Normally, yes. 60 00:02:24,154 --> 00:02:26,022 But I am now Charles's forlover... 61 00:02:26,056 --> 00:02:27,724 "best man," Danish. 62 00:02:27,758 --> 00:02:30,126 So it is my duty to support him, 63 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,263 no matter what weird, crazy, Charles-y ideas he has. 64 00:02:33,297 --> 00:02:34,264 Let's do this. 65 00:02:34,298 --> 00:02:36,432 There he is! My groom! 66 00:02:36,467 --> 00:02:38,268 Hello, my big, beautiful B.M.! 67 00:02:38,302 --> 00:02:39,903 "Best man." Just "best man" is fine. 68 00:02:39,937 --> 00:02:41,037 I hope you're rested. 69 00:02:41,071 --> 00:02:42,305 We're gonna be on our feet all day. 70 00:02:42,339 --> 00:02:44,374 I am totally prepared. I even bought some nurse shoes. 71 00:02:44,408 --> 00:02:46,376 I love them! Mm-hmm! 72 00:02:46,410 --> 00:02:48,912 Let me grab this! Let me grab this! 73 00:02:48,946 --> 00:02:50,647 - Let me grab this! - Grab me! 74 00:02:50,681 --> 00:02:53,182 First stop, kagesmagning! Cake tasting! 75 00:02:53,217 --> 00:02:55,051 Wow. 76 00:02:55,085 --> 00:02:57,453 You wanted to see me, sir? 77 00:02:57,488 --> 00:02:59,155 I understand you stopped 78 00:02:59,189 --> 00:03:00,990 by the patrol officers' morning briefing. 79 00:03:01,025 --> 00:03:02,292 Yeah. 80 00:03:02,326 --> 00:03:03,760 Officer Deetmore helped me out with my crime scene, 81 00:03:03,794 --> 00:03:05,061 so I gave him a little thank-you present. 82 00:03:05,095 --> 00:03:06,462 Hey, Deetmore. 83 00:03:06,497 --> 00:03:08,565 If you're gonna bag evidence like a five-year-old, 84 00:03:08,599 --> 00:03:10,500 you should have the proper tools. 85 00:03:10,534 --> 00:03:12,402 It's a "My First Police Kit." 86 00:03:12,436 --> 00:03:14,270 The walkie-talkie blows bubbles. 87 00:03:15,439 --> 00:03:16,539 Hope you can handle it. 88 00:03:19,310 --> 00:03:22,679 He mislabeled the weapon, like an idiot. 89 00:03:22,713 --> 00:03:24,013 And it almost got filed with the wrong case. 90 00:03:24,048 --> 00:03:25,582 He could've blown months of work! 91 00:03:25,616 --> 00:03:27,951 You humiliated Officer Deetmore in front of his peers. 92 00:03:27,985 --> 00:03:30,553 He submitted an official complaint against you. 93 00:03:30,588 --> 00:03:31,748 Did he fill it out in crayon? 94 00:03:31,755 --> 00:03:32,989 No. 95 00:03:33,023 --> 00:03:35,124 But he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me. 96 00:03:35,159 --> 00:03:38,194 The good news is, if you go down there and apologize, 97 00:03:38,229 --> 00:03:39,796 he'll let the whole thing go. 98 00:03:39,830 --> 00:03:41,431 Fine. I'm great at apologizing. 99 00:03:41,465 --> 00:03:42,699 I'm a very sweet person. 100 00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:44,567 Out of my way, Chunk. 101 00:03:44,602 --> 00:03:46,102 Ooh! 102 00:03:46,136 --> 00:03:50,840 Jake, I got to tell ya, the engaged life is amazing, 103 00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:53,109 - especially sexually. - Well, I don't want to pry. 104 00:03:53,143 --> 00:03:54,777 - You're not prying. I want you to know this. - No. 105 00:03:54,812 --> 00:03:56,880 Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse itinerary 106 00:03:56,914 --> 00:03:59,115 - that we have planned. - Ah, ha! 107 00:03:59,149 --> 00:04:00,549 I'm usually more of a chocolate guy, 108 00:04:00,551 --> 00:04:02,719 but this one's closer, so I'm gonna do that. 109 00:04:02,753 --> 00:04:04,687 Oh! Hot, hot! 110 00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:05,822 Spicy cake! Why? 111 00:04:05,856 --> 00:04:07,423 That's habanero pepper frosting, 112 00:04:07,458 --> 00:04:09,592 because our marriage is going to... 113 00:04:12,029 --> 00:04:13,463 Unless you think it's a bad idea. 114 00:04:13,497 --> 00:04:15,598 No. 115 00:04:15,633 --> 00:04:17,734 Sounds like a great idea, Oprah. 116 00:04:17,768 --> 00:04:21,204 Two... One. 117 00:04:21,238 --> 00:04:22,805 Okay, be kind. 118 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,207 I don't have a model's body like you. 119 00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:25,575 Come on, show me what you got. 120 00:04:27,178 --> 00:04:29,179 Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly. 121 00:04:29,213 --> 00:04:30,914 Liberace, Diane keaton. 122 00:04:30,948 --> 00:04:32,115 Roger that. 123 00:04:32,149 --> 00:04:33,683 God. 124 00:04:33,717 --> 00:04:37,687 Charles, Charles. You're not Scottish. 125 00:04:37,721 --> 00:04:39,322 Yeah, get back in there, Braveheart. 126 00:04:39,356 --> 00:04:41,057 Summer linen suit... 127 00:04:41,091 --> 00:04:42,959 casual but classic. 128 00:04:42,993 --> 00:04:44,494 Actually not bad. 129 00:04:44,528 --> 00:04:46,563 One question... can you see my underwear? 130 00:04:46,597 --> 00:04:49,232 Ah, thong! Why are you wearing a thong? 131 00:04:49,266 --> 00:04:50,633 It's my something borrowed. 132 00:04:50,668 --> 00:04:52,702 Get back in there. 133 00:04:53,837 --> 00:04:54,904 Yes! 134 00:04:54,939 --> 00:04:55,972 Lunchtime. Wait's over. 135 00:04:56,006 --> 00:04:57,607 - That was easy. - Totally. 136 00:04:57,641 --> 00:04:58,942 I feel like we just had our snack 137 00:04:58,976 --> 00:05:00,376 an hour and 17 minutes ago. 138 00:05:00,411 --> 00:05:02,178 I never got into diets... 139 00:05:02,213 --> 00:05:04,747 Though I did take diet pills in the '70s. 140 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:08,484 I love these pills. They give me so much energy. 141 00:05:08,519 --> 00:05:11,621 And I can eat whatever I want. 142 00:05:11,655 --> 00:05:13,823 Oh, God! 143 00:05:16,594 --> 00:05:18,528 He's dead! 144 00:05:18,562 --> 00:05:20,864 Actually, I was in a coma. 145 00:05:20,898 --> 00:05:22,832 When I woke up, I had so much mail. 146 00:05:22,867 --> 00:05:25,134 Weight-loss science has come a long way since then. 147 00:05:25,169 --> 00:05:27,070 Mm-hmm. 148 00:05:27,104 --> 00:05:30,173 "Ingredients... carrot." Got to respect that. 149 00:05:30,207 --> 00:05:32,375 Damn, Gina! 150 00:05:32,409 --> 00:05:33,576 What is that? 151 00:05:33,611 --> 00:05:35,845 Oh, it's a sloppy Jessica. 152 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,048 Mac 'n' cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. 153 00:05:39,083 --> 00:05:40,683 It's everything I've wanted to eat 154 00:05:40,718 --> 00:05:43,219 for the last 48 hours. 155 00:05:43,254 --> 00:05:45,722 Mmm. Mmm. 156 00:05:45,756 --> 00:05:46,956 What happened? 157 00:05:46,991 --> 00:05:49,626 I thought you were gonna "last forever, bitches!" 158 00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:51,427 Turns out I gave up easy. 159 00:05:51,462 --> 00:05:53,062 You hear that, bitches? 160 00:05:53,097 --> 00:05:55,932 I gave up so easy! 161 00:05:57,201 --> 00:05:58,268 Thank you! 162 00:05:58,302 --> 00:05:59,623 Hey, are you sure it's a good idea 163 00:05:59,637 --> 00:06:01,504 to eat all this shawarma right before your tux fitting? 164 00:06:01,539 --> 00:06:02,839 Oh, yeah. 165 00:06:02,873 --> 00:06:04,207 I'm not gonna be one of those grooms who doesn't eat. 166 00:06:04,241 --> 00:06:05,608 - Mm-hmm. - Hey. 167 00:06:05,643 --> 00:06:07,110 Thanks for being so supportive all day. 168 00:06:07,144 --> 00:06:09,279 Best man... whatever you need, I will do. 169 00:06:09,313 --> 00:06:11,080 Actually, there is one thing. 170 00:06:11,115 --> 00:06:12,782 Do you have a pen I could borrow to sign these forms? 171 00:06:12,816 --> 00:06:15,018 You bet I don't have a pen. I never do. 172 00:06:15,052 --> 00:06:16,619 But I will get you one. 173 00:06:16,654 --> 00:06:18,321 What is it, some sort of marriage license thingy? 174 00:06:18,355 --> 00:06:19,722 Oh, no, it's my retirement paperwork. 175 00:06:19,757 --> 00:06:21,591 What? Shut up. What? Yeah. 176 00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:23,393 Vivian got a job in suburban Ottawa. 177 00:06:23,427 --> 00:06:25,728 She wants me to retire from the NYPD and go with her. 178 00:06:25,763 --> 00:06:27,063 Retire? 179 00:06:27,097 --> 00:06:28,898 Boyle, we're supposed to die on the force together... 180 00:06:28,933 --> 00:06:30,300 me in a big explosion, 181 00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,302 and you committing suicide at my funeral out of respect. 182 00:06:32,336 --> 00:06:33,570 I know. 183 00:06:33,604 --> 00:06:35,872 But Vivian needs to make this move for her career, 184 00:06:35,906 --> 00:06:37,540 and I'm excited to go. 185 00:06:37,575 --> 00:06:39,275 I mean, suburban Ottawa's great. 186 00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:40,810 It has everything Brooklyn does. 187 00:06:40,845 --> 00:06:42,745 - Really? - Yes... 188 00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:45,381 Other than my job and my friends and my family, 189 00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:48,618 you, interesting people, museums, restaurants, 190 00:06:48,652 --> 00:06:50,587 every other reason that I have to live. 191 00:06:50,621 --> 00:06:52,755 Okay, I'm kind of picking up on a couple of clues 192 00:06:52,790 --> 00:06:54,791 that you maybe don't want to retire in Canada. 193 00:06:54,825 --> 00:06:56,059 Oh, my God. 194 00:06:56,093 --> 00:06:57,160 Jake, you're such an amazing detective. 195 00:06:57,694 --> 00:06:58,994 I don't want to go. 196 00:07:00,042 --> 00:07:01,409 Okay, Boyle, let's strategize 197 00:07:01,443 --> 00:07:02,710 on how you're gonna tell Vivian 198 00:07:02,744 --> 00:07:04,078 that you don't want to move to Canada. 199 00:07:04,112 --> 00:07:05,479 No, Jake, I'm not gonna say anything. 200 00:07:05,514 --> 00:07:06,681 Just drop it. 201 00:07:06,715 --> 00:07:07,949 We have the perfect relationship. 202 00:07:07,983 --> 00:07:09,116 We've never fought. 203 00:07:09,151 --> 00:07:10,218 I don't want to mess up and ruin it. 204 00:07:10,252 --> 00:07:11,385 She's my everything. 205 00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:12,753 - Move your testicles to the left. - 10-4. 206 00:07:12,788 --> 00:07:13,921 She's your fiancee. 207 00:07:13,956 --> 00:07:15,423 You can't be scared to talk to her. 208 00:07:15,448 --> 00:07:16,891 Testicles to the right... 209 00:07:16,892 --> 00:07:19,293 You know, can we actually cool it on the testicles for a minute? 210 00:07:19,328 --> 00:07:20,962 No, I'm on the testicle part. 211 00:07:22,497 --> 00:07:24,398 Honestly, Jake, I wouldn't even know how to bring it up. 212 00:07:24,433 --> 00:07:25,566 What if it goes badly? 213 00:07:25,601 --> 00:07:27,568 It won't. Just tell her how you feel. 214 00:07:27,603 --> 00:07:29,470 Say something like, "Vivian, I love you, 215 00:07:29,504 --> 00:07:31,005 but we need to talk about Ottawa." 216 00:07:31,039 --> 00:07:34,141 Right. And then she'll say, "you're a selfish man-pig, 217 00:07:34,176 --> 00:07:36,510 and I hope you die alone, and I never loved you." 218 00:07:36,545 --> 00:07:38,279 Oh, God. She never loved me. 219 00:07:38,313 --> 00:07:39,714 She's not gonna say any of that 220 00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:41,549 because she's not criminally insane. 221 00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:42,950 Okay, just calm down. 222 00:07:42,985 --> 00:07:44,306 We'll think of something together. 223 00:07:44,319 --> 00:07:45,653 We're going to the stationery store next. 224 00:07:45,687 --> 00:07:46,888 We can write a bunch of stuff down. 225 00:07:46,922 --> 00:07:49,090 It's gonna be all right. Take a deep breath. 226 00:07:49,124 --> 00:07:50,691 No deep breaths. 227 00:07:50,726 --> 00:07:52,493 Makes the testicles clap. 228 00:07:52,528 --> 00:07:53,895 Mm. 229 00:07:53,929 --> 00:07:55,496 Detective Diaz. 230 00:07:55,531 --> 00:07:57,465 How's your apology to officer Deetmore coming? 231 00:07:57,499 --> 00:07:59,100 I've been working on a letter to send him. 232 00:07:59,134 --> 00:08:00,768 Yes, I saw a draft of it on your desk. 233 00:08:00,802 --> 00:08:02,136 What did you think? 234 00:08:02,170 --> 00:08:04,705 It was so horrifying, I had to destroy the whole pad. 235 00:08:06,508 --> 00:08:09,510 Just go downstairs and apologize. 236 00:08:09,545 --> 00:08:11,646 Fine. I'll say, "I'm sorry." 237 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,714 No, be sincere, like this... 238 00:08:13,749 --> 00:08:15,716 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 239 00:08:15,751 --> 00:08:17,718 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 240 00:08:17,753 --> 00:08:18,920 I'm sorry. 241 00:08:18,954 --> 00:08:19,954 I'm sorry. 242 00:08:19,988 --> 00:08:21,923 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 243 00:08:21,957 --> 00:08:23,357 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 244 00:08:23,392 --> 00:08:24,759 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 245 00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:26,994 Good. That's the one. 246 00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:30,080 Still working on that afternoon almond? 247 00:08:30,115 --> 00:08:33,050 I've been sucking on it so long, it's smooth. 248 00:08:33,084 --> 00:08:35,019 - It's like sea glass. - You do you. 249 00:08:38,857 --> 00:08:40,057 I'll get that for you, Ames. 250 00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:44,395 Oops! 251 00:08:44,429 --> 00:08:45,629 Butter feet... sorry about that. 252 00:08:45,630 --> 00:08:49,266 Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch! 253 00:08:49,301 --> 00:08:51,101 You just ruined my life! 254 00:08:51,136 --> 00:08:52,570 I hope you get hit by a truck 255 00:08:52,604 --> 00:08:54,105 and a dog takes a dump on your face! 256 00:08:54,139 --> 00:08:55,272 Nothing to see here... 257 00:08:55,307 --> 00:08:56,774 just a little hypoglycemic rage. 258 00:08:56,808 --> 00:08:57,908 Move along. 259 00:08:57,943 --> 00:09:00,611 I'm so sorry, Hitchcock. That's not me. 260 00:09:00,645 --> 00:09:02,313 I'm never like that. 261 00:09:02,347 --> 00:09:03,814 That's okay. It was my fault. 262 00:09:03,849 --> 00:09:05,716 I shouldn't have bumped your cashew. 263 00:09:05,751 --> 00:09:08,619 Cashew? It was an almond, you idiot! 264 00:09:08,653 --> 00:09:10,421 I hope you drown in a tub! 265 00:09:10,455 --> 00:09:14,225 I hope you have aneurysm after aneurysm after aneurysm! 266 00:09:14,259 --> 00:09:15,793 Okay, buddy. 267 00:09:15,827 --> 00:09:17,467 We have got some great opening lines here, 268 00:09:17,496 --> 00:09:19,797 three very reasonable explanations 269 00:09:19,831 --> 00:09:21,332 as to why you don't want to go to Canada, 270 00:09:21,366 --> 00:09:25,236 and four very attractive options for your invitation card stock. 271 00:09:25,270 --> 00:09:28,205 Well, I like " Romantic Opening 'C.' " 272 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,307 this page about how my life is New York, 273 00:09:30,342 --> 00:09:33,444 and I love the Chantilly Ecru paper for place cards. 274 00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:35,179 That is an excellent choice. 275 00:09:35,213 --> 00:09:37,148 Those are all excellent choices. 276 00:09:37,182 --> 00:09:38,149 You can do this. 277 00:09:38,183 --> 00:09:39,463 You're a smart and wonderful man. 278 00:09:39,484 --> 00:09:41,252 With fantastic handwriting. 279 00:09:41,286 --> 00:09:42,753 Sure, with fantastic handwriting. 280 00:09:42,788 --> 00:09:44,188 You really think so? 281 00:09:44,222 --> 00:09:46,457 Yeah, I think that you could be a professional calligrapher. 282 00:09:46,491 --> 00:09:48,993 Charles, a professional calligrapher. 283 00:09:49,027 --> 00:09:50,961 You can do anything, 284 00:09:50,996 --> 00:09:53,497 including, but not limited to, talking to Vivian. 285 00:09:53,532 --> 00:09:56,367 Right. Right. Right. 286 00:09:56,401 --> 00:09:58,202 Look, I know it's gonna be hard. 287 00:09:58,236 --> 00:09:59,637 And she might even get mad at you. 288 00:09:59,671 --> 00:10:01,639 But I promise you will be back to doing weird sex stuff 289 00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:02,807 together in no time. 290 00:10:02,841 --> 00:10:04,842 All right. 291 00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:07,144 All right, I'm gonna go talk to Vivi. 292 00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:09,713 Great idea, buddy! Eh? 293 00:10:09,748 --> 00:10:10,848 - Yep! - Yeah! 294 00:10:10,882 --> 00:10:12,950 So who's gonna pay for the paper? 295 00:10:12,984 --> 00:10:15,953 It's gonna be $250. 296 00:10:15,987 --> 00:10:17,855 Her name is Amy Santiago. 297 00:10:17,889 --> 00:10:19,924 Lick, lick, lick. 298 00:10:19,958 --> 00:10:22,226 It's an ice cream cone. 299 00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:24,628 You can't tempt me, traitor, 300 00:10:24,663 --> 00:10:27,198 not when I got this big, juicy cantaloupe wedge 301 00:10:27,232 --> 00:10:29,533 to keep me company. 302 00:10:29,568 --> 00:10:31,502 It's so thin I can see through it. 303 00:10:31,536 --> 00:10:33,370 Santiago! 304 00:10:33,405 --> 00:10:35,606 Come hold this so it looks bigger in your tiny hand. 305 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,175 Aw, Amy left the building 20 minutes ago. 306 00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:39,510 That doesn't make sense. 307 00:10:39,544 --> 00:10:41,779 Santiago loves cantaloupe time. 308 00:10:41,813 --> 00:10:43,414 We wrote a song about it. 309 00:10:46,585 --> 00:10:49,053 It's just nonsense without her singing the high parts. 310 00:10:49,087 --> 00:10:51,355 Where is she? 311 00:10:53,492 --> 00:10:56,193 Amy, where are you? It's cantaloupe time! 312 00:10:57,195 --> 00:10:58,963 Santiago! Stop! 313 00:10:58,997 --> 00:11:00,131 It's not too late. 314 00:11:00,165 --> 00:11:01,499 I failed, Sarge. 315 00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:03,868 This is my second burger. 316 00:11:03,902 --> 00:11:06,170 Okay, I lied. It's my fourth! 317 00:11:06,204 --> 00:11:09,140 You both betrayed me. That's okay. 318 00:11:09,174 --> 00:11:10,841 I can do this all on my own, I don't need you! 319 00:11:10,876 --> 00:11:12,543 I can even sing the high parts! 320 00:11:17,115 --> 00:11:18,716 Traitors! 321 00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:21,252 Officer Deetmore... 322 00:11:21,286 --> 00:11:22,653 I came down here to say I'm sorry. 323 00:11:22,687 --> 00:11:24,255 Oh, good. Go ahead. 324 00:11:24,289 --> 00:11:26,223 No, that was it. I did it. I said, "I'm sorry." 325 00:11:26,258 --> 00:11:27,224 Hey, I said it again. 326 00:11:27,259 --> 00:11:28,299 Now I got one in the bank, 327 00:11:28,326 --> 00:11:29,527 so I can do whatever I want to you. 328 00:11:29,561 --> 00:11:30,761 What are you even sorry for? 329 00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:31,862 Come on, man. 330 00:11:31,897 --> 00:11:33,898 I said the words. I paused afterwards. 331 00:11:33,932 --> 00:11:35,933 I even averted my gaze to make you feel like the Alpha. 332 00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:37,234 Yeah, but you didn't mean it. 333 00:11:37,269 --> 00:11:39,703 I'd like you to apologize like you mean it. 334 00:11:39,738 --> 00:11:41,705 Fine. 335 00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:44,408 I'm sorry you screwed up my case. 336 00:11:44,443 --> 00:11:46,877 I'm sorry you're a terrible cop. 337 00:11:46,912 --> 00:11:49,580 I'm sorry for your goat face and your rodent brain 338 00:11:49,614 --> 00:11:52,283 and your weird goose body. 339 00:11:52,317 --> 00:11:54,218 I meant all of that. 340 00:11:54,252 --> 00:11:57,088 Hope you feel better. 341 00:11:58,890 --> 00:12:00,224 Hey! 342 00:12:00,258 --> 00:12:02,359 So? How'd it go with Vivian last night? 343 00:12:02,394 --> 00:12:04,328 Great. It went so great. 344 00:12:04,362 --> 00:12:07,198 I went to her apartment. I sat down face-to-face. 345 00:12:07,232 --> 00:12:08,933 Then I panicked and totally bailed. 346 00:12:08,967 --> 00:12:10,134 Oh, no. 347 00:12:10,168 --> 00:12:11,836 But the good news is, she's on her way here, 348 00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:13,871 - and you're gonna talk to her for me. - Oh, no. 349 00:12:13,905 --> 00:12:15,139 Just tell her I absolutely shouldn't retire 350 00:12:15,173 --> 00:12:16,607 and move to Canada, but don't tell her I think that. 351 00:12:16,641 --> 00:12:18,042 - Hi! - Hi, Vivian! 352 00:12:18,076 --> 00:12:19,043 Mwah! 353 00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:20,044 Hi, Jake! 354 00:12:20,078 --> 00:12:22,813 Vivian! 355 00:12:24,605 --> 00:12:25,938 Jake, you're so sweet! 356 00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:27,273 Charles told me you insisted that I come to breakfast. 357 00:12:27,807 --> 00:12:30,376 Because of it being such an important one. 358 00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:31,543 Meal, I mean. 359 00:12:31,578 --> 00:12:33,345 You know that in ancient Egypt, 360 00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:35,047 the peasants drank beer for breakfast? 361 00:12:35,081 --> 00:12:37,516 Well, that explains why all their buildings were crooked. 362 00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,318 Charles, can I see you in the bathroom for a second? 363 00:12:39,352 --> 00:12:41,453 I've got a mole on my back that needs a looking-at, 364 00:12:41,488 --> 00:12:42,888 and Charles has eyes. 365 00:12:42,922 --> 00:12:44,723 I do. 366 00:12:46,025 --> 00:12:47,192 All right, so let's see that mole. 367 00:12:47,227 --> 00:12:49,528 What? Get off of me! That was a fake excuse. 368 00:12:49,562 --> 00:12:50,896 Of course. Totally. 369 00:12:50,930 --> 00:12:53,365 Look, I can't talk to Vivian for you. This is crazy. 370 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,601 I tried talking to her, just like we practiced. 371 00:12:55,635 --> 00:12:57,202 But every time I bring up Ottawa, 372 00:12:57,237 --> 00:12:59,037 she says how excited she is about our future. 373 00:12:59,072 --> 00:13:00,239 Then we made love. 374 00:13:00,273 --> 00:13:01,540 Don't say "made love." 375 00:13:01,574 --> 00:13:02,708 Fine, we had wonder-sex. 376 00:13:02,742 --> 00:13:04,109 I don't want to know what that is. 377 00:13:04,144 --> 00:13:05,244 I don't want to move to Canada. 378 00:13:05,278 --> 00:13:06,578 But I can't lose her. 379 00:13:06,613 --> 00:13:08,914 You're my best man. Please help me. 380 00:13:08,948 --> 00:13:11,250 Fine. I'll try. 381 00:13:11,284 --> 00:13:13,185 Okay, but bring it up naturally, 382 00:13:13,219 --> 00:13:14,553 so she doesn't think I put you up to it. 383 00:13:14,587 --> 00:13:15,821 Sure. How hard could that be? 384 00:13:15,855 --> 00:13:17,656 I'm constantly talking about suburban Ottawa. 385 00:13:19,292 --> 00:13:21,493 Wait, don't go! I still have to pee. 386 00:13:21,528 --> 00:13:22,995 Why would I stay for that? 387 00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:25,464 Is it cool if I just stare at your croissants 388 00:13:25,498 --> 00:13:26,665 for a little while? 389 00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:27,766 Sarge! 390 00:13:27,801 --> 00:13:29,234 You need to stop this diet. 391 00:13:29,269 --> 00:13:30,836 Amy and I folded. You won. 392 00:13:30,870 --> 00:13:33,739 It's not a competition. We were on the same team, 393 00:13:33,773 --> 00:13:37,142 until you deserted me for team eating food! 394 00:13:37,177 --> 00:13:39,578 Was that a good burn? I'm too hungry to tell. 395 00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:42,681 It was a great burn, sir. Now please eat. You look weak. 396 00:13:42,716 --> 00:13:44,083 I'm fine. 397 00:13:44,117 --> 00:13:45,651 I am stronger than ever! 398 00:13:45,685 --> 00:13:47,686 Watch this. 399 00:13:48,988 --> 00:13:50,022 Sarge, what are you... what are you doing? 400 00:13:50,056 --> 00:13:51,123 No, no, no, no, no. No! 401 00:13:52,158 --> 00:13:53,759 Wow. 402 00:13:55,028 --> 00:13:58,197 See? I'm fine! 403 00:13:58,231 --> 00:13:59,932 What is happening? 404 00:13:59,966 --> 00:14:02,868 Just a tummy gurgle. Diet messed up my system. 405 00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:04,603 Oh, no. 406 00:14:09,142 --> 00:14:11,610 Go back inside! 407 00:14:11,644 --> 00:14:14,213 Are you talking to us or the fart? 408 00:14:14,247 --> 00:14:17,816 So, Vivian, do you ever go watch hockey? 409 00:14:17,851 --> 00:14:19,785 No, I'm not one for sports. 410 00:14:19,819 --> 00:14:21,120 Of course you're not. 411 00:14:21,154 --> 00:14:24,957 My graduate student told me the craziest story about her family. 412 00:14:24,991 --> 00:14:26,558 That's hilarious! 413 00:14:26,593 --> 00:14:28,794 Hey, can you pass me the maple syrup, please? 414 00:14:28,828 --> 00:14:31,330 Speaking of, where does the best maple syrup come from again? 415 00:14:31,364 --> 00:14:32,998 Vermont. 416 00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:34,967 Oh, and Canada. 417 00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:37,302 Canada? Hey, that reminds me. 418 00:14:37,337 --> 00:14:39,304 Weren't the two of you talking about maybe moving there? 419 00:14:39,339 --> 00:14:40,973 Oh, yeah, we are so excited 420 00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:43,175 to start this new chapter of our lives together. 421 00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:44,910 Yeah. Well, although I have to say, 422 00:14:44,944 --> 00:14:48,414 as someone who's read many of the older chapters in Charles's life, 423 00:14:48,448 --> 00:14:49,815 I wonder if that's the best thing for him. 424 00:14:49,849 --> 00:14:52,551 That's so sweet of you to care, but... 425 00:14:52,585 --> 00:14:54,887 Chuck is excited about moving to Canada, right, baby? 426 00:14:54,921 --> 00:14:57,389 Mm, mouth full. I love you. 427 00:14:57,424 --> 00:14:59,324 But what about his job and all of his friends 428 00:14:59,359 --> 00:15:01,260 and his Brooklyn-based pizza blog? 429 00:15:01,294 --> 00:15:03,162 Do they even have pizza in Canada? 430 00:15:03,196 --> 00:15:05,564 Yes, it's puffier, and it's sweet. 431 00:15:05,598 --> 00:15:07,232 It's called Manitoba Sauce Cake. 432 00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:09,201 Okay, there's no way Charles wants that. 433 00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:11,370 Jake, I think you're overstepping here. 434 00:15:11,404 --> 00:15:13,172 Charles and I both want to move to Canada. 435 00:15:13,206 --> 00:15:17,109 Is that true, Charles? Is that what you want? 436 00:15:19,412 --> 00:15:21,113 Uh, yeah. 437 00:15:21,147 --> 00:15:24,416 I want to retire from the force and move to Ottawa with Vivian. 438 00:15:24,451 --> 00:15:27,886 And frankly, I have no idea why you're getting involved. 439 00:15:27,921 --> 00:15:30,456 And no one asked for your stupid opinion. 440 00:15:30,490 --> 00:15:32,191 Vivi... 441 00:15:32,225 --> 00:15:34,393 We're leaving. 442 00:15:34,427 --> 00:15:35,794 What? 443 00:15:35,829 --> 00:15:37,529 Detective Diaz... 444 00:15:37,564 --> 00:15:39,498 I gather that, once again, things did not go well 445 00:15:39,532 --> 00:15:40,766 with Officer Deetmore. 446 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,302 All due respect, sir, it's how I was trained. 447 00:15:43,336 --> 00:15:45,037 You mess up, you get made fun of. 448 00:15:45,071 --> 00:15:46,705 It's like scientist zapping a rat 449 00:15:46,740 --> 00:15:48,073 when it messes up in a maze. 450 00:15:48,108 --> 00:15:49,375 Oh, I get it. 451 00:15:49,409 --> 00:15:50,776 When I was a young officer, 452 00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:53,612 I was that rat and got zapped. 453 00:15:53,646 --> 00:15:55,280 And all I wanted was to be captain 454 00:15:55,315 --> 00:15:56,615 and throw some lightning bolts. 455 00:15:56,649 --> 00:15:59,418 Emperor Palpatine. 456 00:15:59,452 --> 00:16:01,220 I do not know who that is. 457 00:16:01,254 --> 00:16:04,456 But a real leader doesn't zap people when they mess up. 458 00:16:04,491 --> 00:16:07,760 They teach them how to fix the problem. 459 00:16:07,794 --> 00:16:10,262 I think you're a leader. 460 00:16:10,296 --> 00:16:11,730 So act like one. 461 00:16:11,765 --> 00:16:14,967 I'll try. I'm sorry. 462 00:16:15,001 --> 00:16:17,703 Please, Diaz. No need to make a scene. 463 00:16:19,172 --> 00:16:21,173 - I can't believe he's moving to Canada. - I know. 464 00:16:21,207 --> 00:16:24,043 And I tried to help him, and he fully threw me under the bus. 465 00:16:24,077 --> 00:16:25,344 So I quit as best man. 466 00:16:25,378 --> 00:16:26,612 - Jake. - What? 467 00:16:26,646 --> 00:16:27,946 I did everything right. 468 00:16:27,981 --> 00:16:30,115 I was loyal. I put up with all his dumb ideas, 469 00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:32,918 his spicy cake, his champagne made out of olives, 470 00:16:32,952 --> 00:16:35,287 reading his vows as a recipe. 471 00:16:35,322 --> 00:16:37,289 "One teaspoon eternal love, 472 00:16:37,323 --> 00:16:39,591 a dash of peeing with the door open." 473 00:16:39,626 --> 00:16:41,260 Okay. That's hard to hear. 474 00:16:41,294 --> 00:16:42,628 Yeah. 475 00:16:42,662 --> 00:16:44,430 I just don't understand why he's being so weird. 476 00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:46,198 I can't believe he would turn on me like this. 477 00:16:46,232 --> 00:16:47,533 He's not being himself. 478 00:16:47,567 --> 00:16:49,535 Maybe because he's facing a terrible decision 479 00:16:49,569 --> 00:16:51,770 and he doesn't know what to do. 480 00:16:51,805 --> 00:16:53,672 Yeah, that sounds right. 481 00:16:53,707 --> 00:16:55,474 I think he needs his farm lover. 482 00:16:55,508 --> 00:16:56,809 It's pronounced "for-lohver." 483 00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,110 I don't have time to teach you Danish. 484 00:16:58,144 --> 00:16:59,178 I gotta go help Charles! 485 00:16:59,212 --> 00:17:00,679 I'll find out where he is and text you. 486 00:17:00,713 --> 00:17:02,213 That would be helpful! 487 00:17:04,372 --> 00:17:07,040 - Charles, get in the car. - No! 488 00:17:07,075 --> 00:17:08,809 Go to heck! 489 00:17:09,093 --> 00:17:10,327 Don't siren me. 490 00:17:10,361 --> 00:17:12,930 You quit on me as best man, I'm not talking to you. 491 00:17:13,264 --> 00:17:16,300 Police. Stop walking. 492 00:17:18,236 --> 00:17:20,204 Ah, I hate that I'm so by the book. 493 00:17:20,238 --> 00:17:21,772 Listen, Boyle, 494 00:17:21,806 --> 00:17:22,973 you're not handing in those retirement papers 495 00:17:23,007 --> 00:17:24,208 without telling Vivian how you feel. 496 00:17:24,242 --> 00:17:25,375 I won't let you. 497 00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,050 Oh, really? And how are you gonna stop me? 498 00:17:27,078 --> 00:17:28,045 Baton to the knee. 499 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:30,147 Baton to the knee? 500 00:17:30,181 --> 00:17:32,483 Ahh! Oh! 501 00:17:33,518 --> 00:17:35,886 Hey, Deetmore. 502 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,156 I'm sorry for making fun of you in front of everybody... 503 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:41,358 And also for making fun of you behind your back. 504 00:17:41,392 --> 00:17:44,061 Didn't know you did that, but thank you for the apology. 505 00:17:44,095 --> 00:17:45,429 I'm not done. 506 00:17:45,463 --> 00:17:47,331 Also, I'm sorry for making fun of you during my book club. 507 00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:48,398 Those people don't even know you. 508 00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:49,500 That was uncool. 509 00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:50,801 Also, I'm sorry... 510 00:17:50,835 --> 00:17:52,169 it's okay. I get it. 511 00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:53,370 No. 512 00:17:53,404 --> 00:17:55,372 Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the time 513 00:17:55,406 --> 00:17:58,075 to show you how to fix your mistake. 514 00:17:58,109 --> 00:18:00,144 Come on, we can go over it upstairs. 515 00:18:00,178 --> 00:18:02,746 Thanks. That'd be great. 516 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:05,149 Oh, one more sorry. 517 00:18:05,183 --> 00:18:07,084 You're about to see a drawing I did of you in the elevator. 518 00:18:07,118 --> 00:18:09,052 Just remember I was really pissed at you at the time. 519 00:18:13,391 --> 00:18:15,526 I'm unquitting as your best man. 520 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:16,860 Oh, how kind of you. 521 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,829 Are you also taking me to the knee hospital? 522 00:18:18,863 --> 00:18:20,297 Your knee is fine. 523 00:18:20,331 --> 00:18:21,632 Besides, you had it coming 524 00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:22,900 for throwing me under the bus like that. 525 00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:25,235 I'm sorry. I was terrible to you. 526 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,838 It's just I don't know what to do. 527 00:18:27,872 --> 00:18:29,540 I know, it's tough. 528 00:18:29,574 --> 00:18:30,874 But I'm here to support you 529 00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:33,010 and not just in your weird, awful wedding decisions. 530 00:18:33,044 --> 00:18:34,344 "Awful"? 531 00:18:34,379 --> 00:18:36,513 Uh-oh. Did I just plan the worst wedding in history? 532 00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,183 Second worst. Red Wedding, Game Of Thrones. 533 00:18:39,217 --> 00:18:41,552 And, no, your wedding is gonna be incredible 534 00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:43,220 because it's exactly what you want. 535 00:18:43,254 --> 00:18:45,122 What you don't want is to go to Canada. 536 00:18:45,156 --> 00:18:47,591 So I don't care how many buses you throw me under, 537 00:18:47,625 --> 00:18:49,193 I'm making you talk to Vivian. 538 00:18:49,227 --> 00:18:52,629 Okay, thanks. You're right. 539 00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:55,365 And you know what? I'm ready. 540 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,800 No, I'm not! I'm running away! 541 00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:58,302 Boyle, no! 542 00:18:58,336 --> 00:19:00,056 I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready! 543 00:19:00,071 --> 00:19:02,739 Hey, superstar. 544 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:05,142 Why the long fart? Oh, I meant "face." 545 00:19:05,176 --> 00:19:06,477 Why the long face? 546 00:19:06,511 --> 00:19:07,611 Keep walking, Linetti. 547 00:19:07,645 --> 00:19:10,280 Okay, but this shake is really good. 548 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:11,415 Listen. Shh, shh. 549 00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:12,749 Listen. 550 00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:15,786 That's it! I give up. 551 00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:17,421 Why do you care so much about this diet? 552 00:19:17,455 --> 00:19:19,556 Just stop. You're in perfect shape. 553 00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:21,291 Mm! Amen! 554 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,626 I'm not doing it for me. 555 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:24,294 My wife is on a diet. 556 00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:25,929 She's a little self-conscious about her body 557 00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,297 since giving birth to twins. 558 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:28,665 It's crazy! 559 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:29,867 I think she looks perfect, 560 00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,135 and I tell her that all the time. 561 00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:33,670 Mm, and I love that you do that, Terry. 562 00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:35,706 She's running around after those girls all day, 563 00:19:35,740 --> 00:19:37,174 and I'm not there to help out. 564 00:19:37,208 --> 00:19:39,576 This was one thing I thought I could do with her. 565 00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:42,112 But I'm too weak. 566 00:19:42,147 --> 00:19:44,782 Just hand me that milkshake. 567 00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:47,251 Okay. 568 00:19:47,285 --> 00:19:49,653 Hey, what are you doing? What... 569 00:19:49,687 --> 00:19:51,088 Thank you. 570 00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:52,456 We are still a team, 571 00:19:52,490 --> 00:19:55,359 and we will keep you from eating so you can support your wife. 572 00:19:55,393 --> 00:19:57,060 Thank you, team. 573 00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:59,376 However, just to be clear, Gina and I are still gonna eat. 574 00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:02,332 I'm eating right now, Terry... corndog. 575 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,201 Come on. There we go. 576 00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:07,204 You got this, all right? 577 00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:10,974 Ah, hello, Vivian. Charles has something 578 00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:13,377 he'd like to say. 579 00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:14,845 In case he tries to flee. 580 00:20:19,717 --> 00:20:22,152 Vivian... 581 00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:23,821 We need to talk about Ottawa. 582 00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:27,846 ___ 583 00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:33,931 Jake. 584 00:20:33,965 --> 00:20:35,966 Oh. 585 00:20:37,368 --> 00:20:39,503 Hey. 586 00:20:39,537 --> 00:20:41,171 How'd it go? Everything okay? 587 00:20:41,206 --> 00:20:43,273 Vivian and I talked for hours. 588 00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,309 There's a lot more to discuss, but it's a start. 589 00:20:45,343 --> 00:20:46,743 And you were right. She didn't dump me. 590 00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:50,080 You did good. I know you were scared. 591 00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:52,282 Hey... 592 00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:55,319 Your duties as best man aren't over yet. 593 00:20:55,353 --> 00:20:57,688 What? Whiskey and cigars! 594 00:20:57,722 --> 00:20:59,423 Mm-hmm. 595 00:20:59,457 --> 00:21:01,325 Thanks for being the best best man. 596 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,727 To the fancy brudgom! 597 00:21:06,397 --> 00:21:09,166 Ah! Ah, spicy! Why is that spicy? 598 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,901 Not a doctor. Shh. 599 00:21:15,799 --> 00:21:20,334 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com