1
00:00:03,940 --> 00:00:05,207
Have a nice weekend, Peralta?
2
00:00:05,208 --> 00:00:06,408
Yeah, nothing special.
You know, I got a couple...
3
00:00:06,443 --> 00:00:08,377
You missed Scully's birthday.
4
00:00:08,378 --> 00:00:10,279
It was kind of a big one.
5
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,780
Nobody showed at the party.
6
00:00:11,815 --> 00:00:15,384
Guys, guys, guys,
we missed Scully's birthday,
7
00:00:15,385 --> 00:00:17,252
- and it was a big one.
- I know.
8
00:00:17,287 --> 00:00:18,988
I panicked and said
I had to go to the vet
9
00:00:18,989 --> 00:00:20,856
because my puppy-cat got sick.
10
00:00:20,857 --> 00:00:23,025
I said I had to take my mom
to get birth control pills.
11
00:00:23,026 --> 00:00:24,426
That's better than my excuse.
12
00:00:24,461 --> 00:00:26,652
I said I had to go
to my girls' bat mitzvahs.
13
00:00:26,663 --> 00:00:28,597
Squad, we missed
Scully's birthday,
14
00:00:28,598 --> 00:00:30,966
and it was a big one.
15
00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:33,902
I told them I was in Ecuador.
I think they bought it.
16
00:00:33,937 --> 00:00:35,237
We gotta make it up to him.
17
00:00:35,238 --> 00:00:36,405
Let's give him cash.
18
00:00:36,406 --> 00:00:37,706
Everyone, put in $20 each.
19
00:00:37,707 --> 00:00:38,707
Uh...
20
00:00:38,708 --> 00:00:39,775
Yes, I'll cover you.
21
00:00:39,809 --> 00:00:41,076
Hey, Scully...
22
00:00:41,077 --> 00:00:42,645
Huh?
23
00:00:42,646 --> 00:00:44,813
We're sorry
that we missed your party.
24
00:00:44,814 --> 00:00:47,249
Oh, don't worry about it.
You all had stuff to do.
25
00:00:47,283 --> 00:00:49,985
Yes, the capital of Ecuador
is Quito.
26
00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:51,120
Oh.
27
00:00:51,154 --> 00:00:53,422
Anyway, Happy Birthday
from all of us.
28
00:00:53,423 --> 00:00:54,823
Thanks, guys.
You're the best.
29
00:00:54,858 --> 00:00:56,058
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday, Scully.
30
00:00:56,059 --> 00:00:58,861
Thanks.
31
00:00:58,862 --> 00:01:02,131
I can't believe it.
The fake birthday worked!
32
00:01:02,132 --> 00:01:03,098
You're a genius!
33
00:01:03,133 --> 00:01:05,267
We're both geniuses!
34
00:01:09,572 --> 00:01:10,406
Thumbtack mug.
35
00:01:10,407 --> 00:01:12,107
That was my thumbtack mug.
36
00:01:12,142 --> 00:01:15,883
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
37
00:01:33,863 --> 00:01:36,231
I'm running this task force,
so everything goes through me.
38
00:01:36,232 --> 00:01:37,766
Got it?
Good.
39
00:01:37,767 --> 00:01:39,902
Jackson, some ecstasy was found
on the F train.
40
00:01:39,903 --> 00:01:41,537
Take it to the lab.
Find out if it's giggle pig.
41
00:01:41,571 --> 00:01:43,772
Scully, Hitchcock,
work your C.I.S.
42
00:01:43,807 --> 00:01:46,008
Miller, get a new k-9.
That dog is an idiot.
43
00:01:46,042 --> 00:01:47,743
All right, move out.
44
00:01:47,777 --> 00:01:50,379
Hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry I'm late.
45
00:01:50,413 --> 00:01:53,449
I had to go back to the deli
and return my everything bagel.
46
00:01:53,450 --> 00:01:55,851
In what world does "everything"
not include beef jerky?
47
00:01:55,852 --> 00:01:56,885
All of them.
Okay.
48
00:01:56,886 --> 00:01:58,087
Here's what's up.
Yeah.
49
00:01:58,088 --> 00:01:59,989
Task force brought in a giggle
pig dealer this morning.
50
00:01:59,990 --> 00:02:01,557
Nice.
51
00:02:01,558 --> 00:02:04,360
Second guy we've brought in
that's had one of these keys.
52
00:02:04,361 --> 00:02:05,327
Huh.
53
00:02:05,362 --> 00:02:07,262
My best guess, this opens
54
00:02:07,263 --> 00:02:09,932
a creepy, old wardrobe/portal
to an enchanted land
55
00:02:09,933 --> 00:02:11,700
full of talking toads
and fairy folk.
56
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:13,736
Interesting.
57
00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,104
It has something to do
with the post office.
58
00:02:15,105 --> 00:02:16,572
It's got "USPS" engraved on it.
59
00:02:16,606 --> 00:02:18,040
Take it to
the postal inspection service.
60
00:02:18,074 --> 00:02:19,108
See what you can find out.
61
00:02:19,142 --> 00:02:20,175
Copy that.
62
00:02:20,176 --> 00:02:22,344
Hey, work this thing hard.
63
00:02:22,345 --> 00:02:23,345
We're under a lot of pressure
with the task force,
64
00:02:23,346 --> 00:02:24,413
so we could really use a win.
65
00:02:24,447 --> 00:02:25,781
You got it.
66
00:02:25,782 --> 00:02:26,982
You're my friend,
and I won't let you down.
67
00:02:26,983 --> 00:02:29,018
I'm gonna push you up,
just like a bra.
68
00:02:29,019 --> 00:02:30,386
What?
69
00:02:30,387 --> 00:02:32,655
I meant like a brassiere,
which is totally different.
70
00:02:32,656 --> 00:02:33,622
Come on, man.
71
00:02:33,623 --> 00:02:34,990
Not better. Here we go.
Here we go!
72
00:02:35,025 --> 00:02:38,761
Santiago, I may need you to
come in for a bit on saturday.
73
00:02:38,795 --> 00:02:41,330
Again?
Are you kidding me, man?
74
00:02:43,566 --> 00:02:45,534
I'm sorry.
Let's start fresh.
75
00:02:45,535 --> 00:02:46,835
Hi!
76
00:02:46,836 --> 00:02:48,037
Oh, my God.
77
00:02:48,038 --> 00:02:49,271
What just happened?
78
00:02:49,272 --> 00:02:54,043
Her mind finally snapped,
like a stale breadstick.
79
00:02:54,044 --> 00:02:56,245
Captain, please forgive me.
80
00:02:56,246 --> 00:02:57,546
I'm just a little on edge
81
00:02:57,547 --> 00:03:00,316
because I'm trying
to quit smoking.
82
00:03:00,317 --> 00:03:02,641
I can't take the stress
of hiding it from Teddy anymore.
83
00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:06,755
Be right out, Teddy!
84
00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:10,993
I'm going cold turkey,
and it makes me irritable.
85
00:03:10,994 --> 00:03:13,562
Terrifying.
86
00:03:13,563 --> 00:03:15,764
I know I should be able
to do this by myself,
87
00:03:15,765 --> 00:03:18,667
but it would be great
if you guys could maybe
88
00:03:18,668 --> 00:03:19,768
keep an eye on me.
89
00:03:19,769 --> 00:03:21,837
Of course, we'll do everything
we can to help.
90
00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:25,507
Or, plan B, I could arrange
for you to go to a safe place
91
00:03:25,508 --> 00:03:28,911
where you can just relax
and watch pretty boats go by.
92
00:03:28,912 --> 00:03:32,314
Look, this one's on an island.
93
00:03:33,416 --> 00:03:34,917
Okay, we're looking
for room 247,
94
00:03:34,918 --> 00:03:36,251
agent Jack danger.
95
00:03:36,252 --> 00:03:38,153
Agent Jack danger?
96
00:03:38,154 --> 00:03:41,290
Wow, that name is buh-dass.
97
00:03:41,324 --> 00:03:42,958
Code for "badass." Yeah.
98
00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:45,260
So buh-dass.
99
00:03:45,261 --> 00:03:46,261
Ah, here we are.
100
00:03:46,296 --> 00:03:47,463
Wait.
101
00:03:47,497 --> 00:03:51,634
Cool guy, probably expecting
a cool knock.
102
00:03:51,668 --> 00:03:53,135
That was incredible.
103
00:03:53,169 --> 00:03:54,269
Enter.
104
00:03:56,239 --> 00:03:58,707
Are you danger?
105
00:03:58,708 --> 00:03:59,942
Jack danger?
106
00:03:59,976 --> 00:04:01,610
It's actually pronounced
"dong-er."
107
00:04:01,611 --> 00:04:03,278
It's derived from a Dutch word
108
00:04:03,279 --> 00:04:04,947
meaning "prudence
in financial matters."
109
00:04:04,948 --> 00:04:08,717
Oh, Jack donger.
110
00:04:08,718 --> 00:04:09,685
Also cool.
111
00:04:09,719 --> 00:04:10,886
Have a seat.
112
00:04:10,887 --> 00:04:13,689
I understand you need
a little help from the big boys
113
00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:14,657
here at USPIS.
114
00:04:14,691 --> 00:04:15,624
USPIS?
115
00:04:15,625 --> 00:04:17,960
Yeah, U.S. postal
inspection service,
116
00:04:17,994 --> 00:04:20,529
founded by Benjamin Franklin
in 1772,
117
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:22,798
undoubtedly the great man's
greatest accomplishment.
118
00:04:22,832 --> 00:04:23,966
Are you aware that he helped
119
00:04:23,967 --> 00:04:26,016
popularize parmesan cheese
in America?
120
00:04:26,036 --> 00:04:27,703
I am.
121
00:04:27,737 --> 00:04:31,173
USPIS is the crown jewel
of the law enforcement system.
122
00:04:31,174 --> 00:04:34,877
1,200 inspectors tackling
everything from mail fraud
123
00:04:34,878 --> 00:04:37,179
to the shipment
of contraband fruit.
124
00:04:37,213 --> 00:04:39,648
And, of course, occasionally
assisting our little brothers
125
00:04:39,649 --> 00:04:40,649
in the police department.
126
00:04:40,650 --> 00:04:41,884
Little brothers?
127
00:04:41,885 --> 00:04:46,588
Well, I am a federal agent.
You're just a local cop.
128
00:04:46,589 --> 00:04:47,523
Nothing wrong with that.
129
00:04:47,524 --> 00:04:48,691
Uh, we're here
130
00:04:48,692 --> 00:04:49,758
because we found this key.
131
00:04:49,759 --> 00:04:52,695
Whoa. Yes.
132
00:04:52,729 --> 00:04:55,197
This sexy beast was used
to open a type of mailbox
133
00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:56,665
we actually haven't used
in years.
134
00:04:56,700 --> 00:05:00,169
However, there are a few around
town that were never removed.
135
00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:01,670
Real beauts.
136
00:05:01,671 --> 00:05:03,539
I can find out where they are
and send you the locations.
137
00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:05,341
That would be great.
Here, my email is...
138
00:05:05,375 --> 00:05:08,844
Uh, no email.
139
00:05:08,845 --> 00:05:10,279
I'll send it to you with r-mail,
140
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,481
which is to say, real mail,
141
00:05:12,482 --> 00:05:15,618
because email has put hundreds
of my coworkers out of work.
142
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:17,086
How would you like it
if they laid off
143
00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:18,487
all of your fellow detectives
144
00:05:18,488 --> 00:05:20,189
and partnered you
with a robocop?
145
00:05:20,190 --> 00:05:22,224
I've literally drawn sketches
of that.
146
00:05:22,225 --> 00:05:25,027
The robot has a backpack
that can carry me.
147
00:05:25,061 --> 00:05:27,369
Hey, how's cold turkey going?
148
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:33,469
I heard chewing gum helps.
149
00:05:33,503 --> 00:05:37,139
You know, I never smoked, but
I did once have an addiction.
150
00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:39,742
Food... it got bad.
151
00:05:41,278 --> 00:05:42,778
You're not closed!
152
00:05:42,812 --> 00:05:44,046
It's 6:00!
153
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:46,215
I need my mushu pork!
154
00:05:46,249 --> 00:05:48,417
I need my mushu!
155
00:05:50,287 --> 00:05:51,754
You know how
I finally stopped eating?
156
00:05:51,788 --> 00:05:53,622
You got too big to fit
through the kitchen door?
157
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:56,725
I learned
how to beat my cravings.
158
00:05:56,726 --> 00:05:59,695
Every time I wanted food,
I rebooted my system.
159
00:05:59,696 --> 00:06:01,797
Are you ready to reboot?
160
00:06:01,831 --> 00:06:05,000
When I'd feel a food craving,
I would dunk my head
161
00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:08,070
into ice water
and reset my brain.
162
00:06:08,104 --> 00:06:09,939
Watch me.
Aah!
163
00:06:12,609 --> 00:06:14,877
Whoo!
164
00:06:14,878 --> 00:06:15,911
I'm all good!
165
00:06:15,912 --> 00:06:18,080
Yeah, you try!
166
00:06:18,081 --> 00:06:19,982
Okay.
Now!
167
00:06:23,119 --> 00:06:24,153
Do it again!
168
00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:28,757
It's so cold!
It's really cold!
169
00:06:28,792 --> 00:06:30,993
Last time.
170
00:06:32,729 --> 00:06:34,463
We think the drug dealers
have been using
171
00:06:34,464 --> 00:06:36,398
these out-of-service mailboxes
as drops
172
00:06:36,399 --> 00:06:37,933
for giggle pig and money.
173
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:39,401
Good job.
I'm glad danger was useful.
174
00:06:39,402 --> 00:06:41,070
Actually, it's "dong-er."
175
00:06:41,071 --> 00:06:42,705
Although it should be
"dong-est."
176
00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:45,007
Can't imagine anyone being
more dong than this guy.
177
00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:46,342
Sounds like he was
a good resource.
178
00:06:46,343 --> 00:06:47,776
He showed you
where the mailboxes were, right?
179
00:06:47,777 --> 00:06:49,345
Yeah, but he also told us
how he brought down
180
00:06:49,346 --> 00:06:51,146
a snail-smuggling ring.
181
00:06:51,147 --> 00:06:52,414
For an hour.
182
00:06:52,415 --> 00:06:53,816
Yeah, he showed us
all these pictures
183
00:06:53,817 --> 00:06:56,285
of the snails, and he called
them "the littlest victims."
184
00:06:56,286 --> 00:07:00,122
Well, hopefully donger will be
less annoying from now on.
185
00:07:00,156 --> 00:07:01,323
Yeah, hopefully.
186
00:07:01,324 --> 00:07:02,491
Wait, "from now on"?
187
00:07:02,492 --> 00:07:04,827
Yeah. Yup.
No. No, no, no, no.
188
00:07:04,861 --> 00:07:07,029
Please tell me I don't have
to keep working with that...
189
00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:08,530
Detective Peralta.
190
00:07:08,531 --> 00:07:09,531
Hi.
191
00:07:09,566 --> 00:07:10,866
Love your precinct.
192
00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:13,302
Very primitive.
193
00:07:13,303 --> 00:07:15,004
At USPIS, everyone gets
his own office,
194
00:07:15,005 --> 00:07:18,040
but that's because we're this
proud nation's first defense
195
00:07:18,041 --> 00:07:20,209
in the war on terror.
196
00:07:20,243 --> 00:07:22,985
Every envelope is
a potential target for Al-Qaeda.
197
00:07:23,013 --> 00:07:24,947
Oh.
198
00:07:24,948 --> 00:07:28,651
Detective Rosa Diaz, meet
my new partner, Jack donger.
199
00:07:28,685 --> 00:07:30,653
Please, I go by Jackie.
200
00:07:30,654 --> 00:07:31,820
Jackie donger.
201
00:07:31,855 --> 00:07:33,689
Of course you do.
202
00:07:41,124 --> 00:07:42,296
Take it away, Peralta.
203
00:07:42,325 --> 00:07:44,660
Will do.
204
00:07:44,661 --> 00:07:46,362
Shouldn't have done that.
205
00:07:46,363 --> 00:07:48,898
B-side's got
some banging sousa deep cuts.
206
00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:51,233
Thank God we're here.
Look, there's a box up there.
207
00:07:51,234 --> 00:07:56,772
Oh, yeah, that is some sweet
green curves right there.
208
00:07:56,773 --> 00:07:58,607
We should talk
to the falafel guy,
209
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,076
see if he's seen
anything suspicious.
210
00:08:00,077 --> 00:08:02,344
Uh, you should probably
let me take lead on this.
211
00:08:02,345 --> 00:08:03,813
A lot of people don't like cops,
212
00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:05,514
but everybody loves
postal workers.
213
00:08:05,515 --> 00:08:06,682
They do?
214
00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:08,417
That's why the phrase
most associated
215
00:08:08,418 --> 00:08:10,052
with bringing goodness
into people's lives
216
00:08:10,053 --> 00:08:11,320
is "going postal."
217
00:08:11,321 --> 00:08:12,321
You're kidding, right?
218
00:08:12,322 --> 00:08:13,522
"Going postal" means that...
219
00:08:13,557 --> 00:08:15,057
I know what it means!
220
00:08:15,058 --> 00:08:17,059
I just said what it means.
That's what it means.
221
00:08:18,695 --> 00:08:19,862
Okay.
222
00:08:19,863 --> 00:08:22,098
Well, howzabout we avoid
human contact altogether
223
00:08:22,099 --> 00:08:25,047
and check out the box?
224
00:08:34,811 --> 00:08:35,878
What's the point of that thing?
225
00:08:35,879 --> 00:08:37,480
Tradition and security.
226
00:08:37,481 --> 00:08:40,149
Plus, I'd be lying if I said
it didn't look insanely cool.
227
00:08:40,150 --> 00:08:42,518
I wouldn't.
228
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,688
Jackpot.
It's giggle pig.
229
00:08:45,689 --> 00:08:46,822
Yes!
230
00:08:46,823 --> 00:08:49,892
You have served your country
proud, little lady.
231
00:08:52,729 --> 00:08:54,697
Stop!
232
00:08:54,731 --> 00:08:55,898
Whoa!
233
00:08:55,899 --> 00:08:57,433
Ow, ow, ow, help me up!
234
00:08:57,434 --> 00:08:59,402
Peralta, help!
Help me up.
235
00:08:59,403 --> 00:09:00,569
Don't ditch me!
236
00:09:00,570 --> 00:09:04,073
He's gone.
237
00:09:04,074 --> 00:09:05,074
You okay?
238
00:09:05,075 --> 00:09:07,610
No, I'm rattled.
239
00:09:10,013 --> 00:09:11,047
Hey.
Hmm?
240
00:09:11,048 --> 00:09:12,248
Where you going, Amy?
241
00:09:12,249 --> 00:09:14,417
Oh, I was just going
outside to...
242
00:09:14,418 --> 00:09:17,253
See this pigeon
I've been training.
243
00:09:17,254 --> 00:09:18,354
It does the can-can.
244
00:09:18,355 --> 00:09:21,590
That I gotta see!
245
00:09:21,591 --> 00:09:23,759
Damn it.
I made my lie too enticing.
246
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,428
Fine, I was going out to smoke.
247
00:09:25,429 --> 00:09:28,931
Your lame system-reboot thing
didn't work.
248
00:09:28,932 --> 00:09:30,332
You know, I don't like
to talk about this,
249
00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:33,269
but many years ago,
I myself overcame an addiction.
250
00:09:33,270 --> 00:09:36,739
I could not get enough
of the ponies.
251
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:39,208
Go, razzmataz.
252
00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:43,279
Go, razzmataz.
Go, razzmataz.
253
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,815
It's bugle boy,
winning by a head.
254
00:09:45,816 --> 00:09:47,083
I lost everything.
255
00:09:47,084 --> 00:09:50,019
What worked for me
was replacing my bad addiction
256
00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:51,954
with a good addiction...
257
00:09:51,955 --> 00:09:53,756
Exercise.
258
00:09:53,757 --> 00:09:55,391
Grab your sneakers, Santiago.
259
00:09:55,392 --> 00:09:57,426
You're going me
on a lunchtime jog.
260
00:09:57,427 --> 00:09:59,562
Great!
We can talk a little,
261
00:09:59,563 --> 00:10:02,365
chat about the job,
do some mentor-mentee bonding.
262
00:10:02,366 --> 00:10:04,567
We will exercise in silence.
263
00:10:04,568 --> 00:10:05,968
No headphones either.
264
00:10:05,969 --> 00:10:08,671
Music is a crutch.
265
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:11,140
I'm sorry, let me get
this straight.
266
00:10:11,141 --> 00:10:14,510
You had a giggle pig supplier
20 yards from you,
267
00:10:14,511 --> 00:10:15,978
and he got away?
268
00:10:15,979 --> 00:10:17,079
What happened?
269
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,748
Your man here failed to follow
270
00:10:18,749 --> 00:10:21,784
proper law-enforcement procedure
is what happened.
271
00:10:21,785 --> 00:10:22,818
What?
272
00:10:22,819 --> 00:10:25,321
Always check
for ground-level obstructions
273
00:10:25,322 --> 00:10:27,123
before initiating
a foot pursuit.
274
00:10:27,124 --> 00:10:28,691
The ground-level obstruction
275
00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:30,393
was your hand clutching my leg.
276
00:10:30,394 --> 00:10:32,294
I have claw marks
all over my calf.
277
00:10:32,295 --> 00:10:35,097
I'm sorry, Rosa, can I talk
to you in private for a second?
278
00:10:35,098 --> 00:10:36,432
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
279
00:10:36,433 --> 00:10:38,701
Boyle, why don't you show donger
what a fax machine is?
280
00:10:38,702 --> 00:10:40,569
Okay.
281
00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:44,874
Okay, imagine a letter had
unprotected sex with a phone.
282
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:46,876
Look, it's not just
that donger's annoying.
283
00:10:46,877 --> 00:10:48,677
He ruined the whole operation.
284
00:10:48,678 --> 00:10:51,147
The perp got away because
he's the world's biggest tool.
285
00:10:51,148 --> 00:10:53,582
No, tools can be useful.
He's the world's smallest tool.
286
00:10:53,583 --> 00:10:54,884
I'm the world's biggest tool.
287
00:10:54,885 --> 00:10:55,989
God! Do you see
what he's doing to me?
288
00:10:56,019 --> 00:10:58,187
Look, these dealers
didn't just randomly start
289
00:10:58,188 --> 00:10:59,188
using mailbox keys.
290
00:10:59,189 --> 00:11:00,723
There's clearly
a postal connection.
291
00:11:00,724 --> 00:11:02,792
Sorry, dude,
you gotta keep working with him.
292
00:11:02,793 --> 00:11:04,060
Okay, wait, wait.
293
00:11:04,061 --> 00:11:05,394
Let's just put this
in perspective for a second.
294
00:11:05,395 --> 00:11:07,463
Is this whole war on drugs
really worth
295
00:11:07,464 --> 00:11:09,098
the human cost of me
spending another minute
296
00:11:09,099 --> 00:11:10,232
with this behonkus?
297
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:12,034
I don't know what
"behonkus" means, but yes.
298
00:11:12,035 --> 00:11:13,202
"Behonkus" means butt,
299
00:11:13,203 --> 00:11:15,104
and I think you could have
guessed that from context.
300
00:11:15,138 --> 00:11:19,041
Seriously, Jake, I'm asking you
to see this through.
301
00:11:19,042 --> 00:11:20,543
All right, fine.
302
00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:23,379
I will do it for you as a favor
because you're my friend.
303
00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:24,814
But if he tells me one more time
304
00:11:24,815 --> 00:11:27,516
about how USPIS "mailed down"
the Berlin wall,
305
00:11:27,517 --> 00:11:28,951
I'm gonna give him
your home address,
306
00:11:28,952 --> 00:11:30,953
and you will receive
holiday cards from him forever.
307
00:11:30,954 --> 00:11:32,888
My own relatives
don't have that address.
308
00:11:32,889 --> 00:11:36,492
Oh, I know.
I know.
309
00:11:39,096 --> 00:11:42,231
And completion.
310
00:11:44,568 --> 00:11:45,601
So how do you feel?
311
00:11:45,602 --> 00:11:48,404
Really good.
No nicotine cravings at all.
312
00:11:48,405 --> 00:11:50,639
The magic of endorphins.
313
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,775
I'm in a state
of total euphoria.
314
00:11:52,776 --> 00:11:53,943
Clearly.
315
00:11:53,944 --> 00:11:55,244
Listen, I gotta jump
in there, so...
316
00:11:59,282 --> 00:12:00,282
Hello, Kevin.
317
00:12:00,283 --> 00:12:02,952
No, I haven't seen it.
318
00:12:02,953 --> 00:12:03,953
I very much doubt that.
319
00:12:03,954 --> 00:12:07,356
Why would the housekeeper
steal your belt?
320
00:12:07,357 --> 00:12:09,592
What husband?
She's a widow.
321
00:12:09,593 --> 00:12:14,463
I... uh-oh, I have to go.
322
00:12:14,464 --> 00:12:15,931
Santiago, are you smoking
in there?
323
00:12:15,932 --> 00:12:17,233
No.
324
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:18,501
Why do I see smoke?
325
00:12:18,502 --> 00:12:21,470
That's steam.
I'm in the shower.
326
00:12:21,471 --> 00:12:23,706
So what are
a bunch of drug dealers
327
00:12:23,707 --> 00:12:25,641
doing with old postal keys?
328
00:12:25,642 --> 00:12:27,410
Maybe you guys forgot
to collect them all.
329
00:12:27,411 --> 00:12:29,345
Mm, barking up
the wrong tree, McGruff.
330
00:12:29,346 --> 00:12:31,080
Postal service
doesn't make mistakes.
331
00:12:31,081 --> 00:12:33,416
You lose millions of letters every year.
Really?
332
00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:36,118
Then explain to me why none
of these missing letters
333
00:12:36,119 --> 00:12:38,320
have ever been found.
334
00:12:38,321 --> 00:12:42,124
Okay, if it wasn't a mistake,
maybe it was an inside job.
335
00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:44,093
Who collected the keys?
336
00:12:47,130 --> 00:12:48,264
There are
five people responsible
337
00:12:48,265 --> 00:12:49,398
for key collection in the city.
338
00:12:49,399 --> 00:12:51,600
Boom!
That's our list of suspects.
339
00:12:51,601 --> 00:12:54,837
We shall call them
"the fellowship of the key."
340
00:12:54,838 --> 00:12:56,272
I honestly think you are
the greatest man who ever lived.
341
00:12:56,273 --> 00:12:57,440
Oh.
342
00:12:57,441 --> 00:12:59,642
That's a no-go.
343
00:12:59,643 --> 00:13:00,910
Tracking these people down
is a waste of time.
344
00:13:00,911 --> 00:13:02,978
I say we keep surveilling
the mailboxes.
345
00:13:02,979 --> 00:13:06,215
Look, I have worked a ton
of these drug cases, all right?
346
00:13:06,216 --> 00:13:08,484
Once they know we're onto them,
they burn the whole system.
347
00:13:08,485 --> 00:13:10,686
Trust me,
they're done with the boxes.
348
00:13:10,687 --> 00:13:14,023
Trust me.
I'm a federal agent.
349
00:13:14,024 --> 00:13:15,858
You're not FBI.
You're not ATF.
350
00:13:15,859 --> 00:13:17,360
You work for the post office.
351
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:20,262
Your motto is
"surprisingly, we exist."
352
00:13:20,263 --> 00:13:21,464
Incorrect.
353
00:13:21,465 --> 00:13:24,600
Our motto is
"nos custodimus quod lingus."
354
00:13:24,601 --> 00:13:26,268
"We guard what you lick."
355
00:13:26,269 --> 00:13:27,370
That's worse!
356
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:28,504
No, forget it.
357
00:13:28,505 --> 00:13:30,506
I'm not giving you
the list of names.
358
00:13:30,507 --> 00:13:32,475
We're gonna keep surveilling
those mailboxes,
359
00:13:32,476 --> 00:13:34,377
and if nothing turns up
after a couple of days,
360
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,679
then we'll go
on your wild goose chase.
361
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,281
Hey, if you're hungry,
Maury went postal
362
00:13:39,282 --> 00:13:40,716
and brought in muffins
for everyone.
363
00:13:40,717 --> 00:13:42,151
Sweet.
364
00:13:42,152 --> 00:13:43,586
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go
365
00:13:43,587 --> 00:13:46,288
grab a muff with some bluebs,
and when I get back,
366
00:13:46,289 --> 00:13:48,491
we will discuss strategy
for the stakeouts.
367
00:13:52,029 --> 00:13:53,996
All right, guard the door.
368
00:13:53,997 --> 00:13:56,265
I'm gonna print out
this list of suspects,
369
00:13:56,266 --> 00:13:57,900
and then we are ditching donger.
370
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:59,168
It's kind of risky, Jake.
371
00:13:59,169 --> 00:14:01,203
If this ends up being
a dead end, Rosa's gonna be mad.
372
00:14:01,238 --> 00:14:03,673
You know, robo-partner would
not question this for a moment.
373
00:14:03,674 --> 00:14:07,076
Fine, I'll be lookout.
374
00:14:07,077 --> 00:14:08,811
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
What? Is he coming?
375
00:14:08,812 --> 00:14:10,413
No, but there's
more than muffins.
376
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:11,647
There's banana bread too!
377
00:14:11,648 --> 00:14:12,882
What?
378
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:14,684
This printer is so slow!
379
00:14:14,685 --> 00:14:16,252
Come on.
380
00:14:16,253 --> 00:14:18,054
Ugh, this place is the worst!
381
00:14:20,621 --> 00:14:21,621
All right, two down,
three to go.
382
00:14:21,622 --> 00:14:22,756
Next on the list, Kent Delroy.
383
00:14:22,757 --> 00:14:24,691
Worked at the post office
for 12 years.
384
00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:27,327
Quit two years ago.
385
00:14:29,196 --> 00:14:31,164
That's the guy
from this morning.
386
00:14:31,165 --> 00:14:32,799
NYPD, open up!
387
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,767
All right, I'm gonna
break down the door.
388
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:35,135
No, let me do it.
389
00:14:35,136 --> 00:14:36,870
Charles, that's never gone well.
390
00:14:36,871 --> 00:14:38,204
Yes, but I've been practicing.
391
00:14:38,205 --> 00:14:39,372
All right, fine.
You get one try.
392
00:14:39,373 --> 00:14:42,108
Thank you.
393
00:14:42,109 --> 00:14:43,677
Police!
Hands in the air!
394
00:14:43,678 --> 00:14:45,945
I did it!
Yes!
395
00:14:45,946 --> 00:14:47,447
Boyle, that's the bad guy.
396
00:14:47,448 --> 00:14:49,382
Yup, yup.
Turn around.
397
00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:52,118
This way, Santiago.
398
00:14:52,119 --> 00:14:53,219
What's going on?
399
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:54,788
Is this a dream?
400
00:14:54,789 --> 00:14:56,356
No, I'm not holding
a label maker.
401
00:14:56,357 --> 00:14:59,192
Silence before the shaman.
402
00:14:59,193 --> 00:15:02,562
Amy, I'm taking charge of your
journey away from addiction.
403
00:15:02,596 --> 00:15:05,231
Gina is leading you
on a guided mediation.
404
00:15:05,232 --> 00:15:07,400
Terry and I agreed
to participate
405
00:15:07,401 --> 00:15:09,035
as a show of support.
406
00:15:09,036 --> 00:15:11,838
Okay.
407
00:15:11,839 --> 00:15:13,273
And, Amy, you don't know this
408
00:15:13,274 --> 00:15:15,909
'cause I don't necessarily
enjoy talking to you,
409
00:15:15,910 --> 00:15:20,046
but in my early 20s,
I too battled an addiction.
410
00:15:20,047 --> 00:15:22,115
I was a compulsive shopper.
411
00:15:22,116 --> 00:15:25,118
Anyway, meditation helped
me past that addiction.
412
00:15:25,119 --> 00:15:27,120
And it's gonna do
the same for you.
413
00:15:27,121 --> 00:15:29,689
Close your eyes and repeat:
414
00:15:29,690 --> 00:15:32,158
I am in a vast hallway.
415
00:15:32,193 --> 00:15:34,861
I am in a vast hallway.
416
00:15:34,895 --> 00:15:38,932
I walk into the light
of self-actualization.
417
00:15:38,933 --> 00:15:43,036
I walk into the light
of self-actualization.
418
00:15:43,037 --> 00:15:45,872
For I am a powerful woman.
419
00:15:45,873 --> 00:15:48,842
For I am a powerful woman.
420
00:15:48,843 --> 00:15:51,378
I'm not hearing everyone.
421
00:15:51,379 --> 00:15:54,314
For I am a powerful woman.
422
00:15:54,315 --> 00:15:58,385
You feel the cool breeze
of enlightenment
423
00:15:58,386 --> 00:16:01,655
gently caressing your face.
424
00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:02,889
I feel it!
425
00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:03,957
I feel the breeze.
426
00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:05,125
Amy!
427
00:16:05,159 --> 00:16:07,293
What? I'm not
the one with my eyes open.
428
00:16:07,294 --> 00:16:08,294
Cheater!
429
00:16:08,295 --> 00:16:09,219
Captain Holt is cheating.
430
00:16:09,230 --> 00:16:11,097
Santiago, we're trying
to help you.
431
00:16:11,098 --> 00:16:12,532
I can't do it.
432
00:16:12,533 --> 00:16:13,723
I quit quitting.
433
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:15,802
Hey, hey, people.
434
00:16:15,803 --> 00:16:17,437
Task force, officially
on the scoreboard
435
00:16:17,438 --> 00:16:20,073
with our first major
giggle pig dealer busted.
436
00:16:22,376 --> 00:16:23,310
Treat him well.
437
00:16:23,311 --> 00:16:24,878
This guy is sort
of the Mitch Globmun
438
00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:26,579
of getting put in jail for this.
439
00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:29,416
Globmun was the first kid
in my grade to get a pube.
440
00:16:29,417 --> 00:16:31,115
Rosa, great news, my friend!
441
00:16:31,118 --> 00:16:32,352
What the hell?
442
00:16:32,353 --> 00:16:33,787
Donger just called
and said you abandoned him,
443
00:16:33,788 --> 00:16:36,222
took information
from a classified computer,
444
00:16:36,223 --> 00:16:38,425
and licked a roll
of antique stamps.
445
00:16:38,426 --> 00:16:39,392
The stamps were on me.
446
00:16:39,393 --> 00:16:41,961
I was curious
about how old glue tasted.
447
00:16:41,962 --> 00:16:44,431
Like a horse lollipop.
448
00:16:44,432 --> 00:16:45,965
Mm.
449
00:16:45,966 --> 00:16:47,734
Look, it's not a big deal.
450
00:16:47,735 --> 00:16:49,869
Donger wanted us to waste
a week staring at mailboxes.
451
00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:52,405
If I'd listened to him, I never
would have caught Delroy.
452
00:16:52,406 --> 00:16:53,513
Or found his books,
which tell us
453
00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:56,710
there's a huge giggle pig
shipment coming in tonight.
454
00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:58,945
I told you to work with USPIS.
455
00:16:58,946 --> 00:16:59,946
Okay, I know I didn't do it
456
00:16:59,947 --> 00:17:01,548
exactly the way
you asked me to...
457
00:17:01,549 --> 00:17:04,651
The way I ordered you to
as leader of the task force.
458
00:17:04,652 --> 00:17:05,719
Do you think just because
we're friends
459
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,120
you can do whatever you want?
460
00:17:07,121 --> 00:17:08,822
Donger's furious.
He's on his way over here now
461
00:17:08,823 --> 00:17:09,823
because they're
taking over the case.
462
00:17:09,824 --> 00:17:11,424
What!
He can't do that.
463
00:17:11,459 --> 00:17:12,459
Yeah, he can.
464
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:13,860
They're a federal agency.
465
00:17:13,861 --> 00:17:15,228
From now on,
any bust that comes from this,
466
00:17:15,229 --> 00:17:17,731
including Delroy, goes to USPIS.
467
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:19,933
My task force gets nothing.
So thanks, friend.
468
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:25,639
This table tastes like
Scully's elbow blisters.
469
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,774
It's horrible and I deserve it.
470
00:17:27,775 --> 00:17:30,010
I hate seeing you like this.
471
00:17:30,011 --> 00:17:31,911
Rosa has every right
to be pissed at me.
472
00:17:31,946 --> 00:17:35,682
I didn't follow her orders
and I messed up the task force.
473
00:17:35,683 --> 00:17:36,883
The only way
to make things right
474
00:17:36,884 --> 00:17:39,486
is to do the worst,
most awful thing imaginable.
475
00:17:39,487 --> 00:17:41,187
Dip your penis in vinegar.
476
00:17:41,188 --> 00:17:42,255
What?
No!
477
00:17:42,256 --> 00:17:43,523
Why would you say that?
478
00:17:43,524 --> 00:17:44,624
In sunday school, they told us
479
00:17:44,625 --> 00:17:47,060
the babylonians did that
to their enemies.
480
00:17:47,061 --> 00:17:48,762
I've been terrified ever since.
481
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:53,900
Okay, well, what I have to do
is far, far worse.
482
00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:56,169
I'm sorry I was a jerk.
483
00:17:56,170 --> 00:17:59,272
I'm sorry I said
the postman was a flop.
484
00:17:59,273 --> 00:18:01,975
I'm sorry I said
"forever" stamps are a lie
485
00:18:01,976 --> 00:18:03,610
because the earth
will eventually
486
00:18:03,611 --> 00:18:05,111
be swallowed by the sun.
487
00:18:05,112 --> 00:18:06,680
I know what you're trying to do
488
00:18:06,681 --> 00:18:09,115
and I'm not buying it
for a second.
489
00:18:09,116 --> 00:18:11,851
I don't think you're sorry and
I don't think you respect USPIS.
490
00:18:11,852 --> 00:18:14,921
Maybe at first,
but that was before I read,
491
00:18:14,922 --> 00:18:17,090
A history of the USPIS."
492
00:18:17,091 --> 00:18:18,681
Oh, great read!
493
00:18:18,693 --> 00:18:19,926
Yeah.
494
00:18:19,927 --> 00:18:21,127
But it actually just scratches
the surface.
495
00:18:21,128 --> 00:18:22,729
The real story begins
in the 16th century
496
00:18:22,730 --> 00:18:25,966
with la poste francaise.
497
00:18:25,967 --> 00:18:27,133
Do you wanna hear about it?
498
00:18:27,134 --> 00:18:29,936
Absolutely.
Please tell us that story.
499
00:18:29,937 --> 00:18:31,438
And spare no detail.
500
00:18:31,439 --> 00:18:32,439
The vinegar dip.
501
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,942
But this is when USPIS history
gets really good.
502
00:18:37,977 --> 00:18:39,444
They actually moved
the headquarters
503
00:18:39,445 --> 00:18:42,246
back to Boston
from Washington D.C.
504
00:18:42,248 --> 00:18:43,915
Let's jump ahead to 1820...
505
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:46,217
Wait, you're just gonna jump
a whole decade?
506
00:18:46,218 --> 00:18:47,418
I mean, I'm dying to know
507
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:49,320
how the chief postal
inspector's sickly wife
508
00:18:49,321 --> 00:18:52,824
adjusted to the cold
new England winters.
509
00:18:52,825 --> 00:18:54,626
Okay, Peralta,
I accept your apology.
510
00:18:54,627 --> 00:18:55,894
You can have the case back.
511
00:18:55,895 --> 00:18:56,895
Oh, thank you.
512
00:18:56,896 --> 00:18:58,329
Truth is, I need some help.
513
00:18:58,330 --> 00:19:00,064
Delroy won't tell us where
the shipment's going tonight
514
00:19:00,065 --> 00:19:02,433
and his notebooks
are all in code.
515
00:19:02,468 --> 00:19:04,602
Have a look.
516
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,371
Have you checked out
this phone number?
517
00:19:06,372 --> 00:19:07,405
It doesn't exist.
518
00:19:07,406 --> 00:19:09,874
Ten digits,
what else could it be?
519
00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:11,309
Two zip codes back-to-back.
520
00:19:11,310 --> 00:19:12,610
But they're nowhere near here.
521
00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:16,481
27889, that's Washington,
north Carolina.
522
00:19:16,482 --> 00:19:21,052
80751, that's sterling,
Colorado.
523
00:19:21,053 --> 00:19:23,288
Sterling place
and Washington Avenue.
524
00:19:23,289 --> 00:19:26,691
Wait a minute, Mr. postman!
525
00:19:26,692 --> 00:19:28,893
That's where the giggle pig
delivery's gonna be?
526
00:19:28,894 --> 00:19:32,830
Yup.
We gotta go, right now.
527
00:19:32,831 --> 00:19:34,966
Could you please knock it off?
528
00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:40,305
It's like working inside
a beaver dam.
529
00:19:40,306 --> 00:19:42,807
Oh no, a next-to-desk-sit-down.
530
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,242
Santiago,
you're putting yourself
531
00:19:44,243 --> 00:19:45,510
under too much pressure.
532
00:19:45,511 --> 00:19:48,012
And that stress is making it
even harder for you to quit.
533
00:19:48,013 --> 00:19:49,447
Some things might come
easier to you
534
00:19:49,448 --> 00:19:51,616
if you stop being such
a perfectionist.
535
00:19:51,617 --> 00:19:56,154
A concept you should become
familiar with.
536
00:19:56,155 --> 00:19:57,322
"Familiar with?"
537
00:19:57,323 --> 00:19:58,289
Mm.
538
00:19:58,290 --> 00:19:59,290
A dangling preposition?
539
00:19:59,291 --> 00:20:01,326
I'm setting an example.
540
00:20:01,327 --> 00:20:04,495
I made an error and I'm not
going to correct it.
541
00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:07,398
I'm just gonna let it dangle...
542
00:20:07,399 --> 00:20:08,833
Dangle...
543
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:12,804
Dangle.
544
00:20:12,805 --> 00:20:14,572
Thank you, Captain.
545
00:20:14,573 --> 00:20:16,040
Okay, get ready,
it's going down.
546
00:20:16,041 --> 00:20:17,709
Wait, before we go in there...
547
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:18,877
Apology accepted.
548
00:20:18,878 --> 00:20:20,712
No, I actually want to do it.
549
00:20:20,713 --> 00:20:21,779
Ugh, so I have to suffer?
550
00:20:21,814 --> 00:20:23,448
I'll make it quick.
551
00:20:23,449 --> 00:20:24,549
I didn't follow your orders,
552
00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:25,650
I took advantage
of our friendship,
553
00:20:25,651 --> 00:20:27,852
I'm a jerk, I'm sorry.
554
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:29,220
So that's what eternity
feels like.
555
00:20:29,255 --> 00:20:31,289
I could not have made
that any shorter.
556
00:20:31,290 --> 00:20:33,491
All right, what's the plan?
This dong is ready to ding.
557
00:20:33,492 --> 00:20:34,659
What?
558
00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:36,127
Tac team one will take
the north entrance.
559
00:20:36,128 --> 00:20:37,562
Tac team two will take
the east door.
560
00:20:37,563 --> 00:20:39,097
Jake, you stay out here
and man the radio.
561
00:20:39,098 --> 00:20:41,432
Oh, sure, whatever you need.
On it.
562
00:20:41,433 --> 00:20:43,568
No, I'm just kidding,
you're coming in with us.
563
00:20:43,569 --> 00:20:44,494
Jerk.
564
00:20:44,503 --> 00:20:46,137
Ready?
On my count.
565
00:20:46,138 --> 00:20:50,341
Three, two, one.
566
00:20:50,342 --> 00:20:51,476
Freeze, police!
567
00:20:51,477 --> 00:20:53,878
Also USPIS.
And USPIS.
568
00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:55,580
Down, down, down!
569
00:20:55,581 --> 00:20:57,048
Go out the back door!
570
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:58,650
Down, down, get down!
571
00:20:58,684 --> 00:21:00,218
Unh!
572
00:21:00,219 --> 00:21:02,287
Hands on your head!
573
00:21:06,292 --> 00:21:08,760
Unh.
What happened?
574
00:21:08,761 --> 00:21:09,861
You hit your head
on the doorway coming in.
575
00:21:09,862 --> 00:21:10,995
Got knocked out cold.
576
00:21:10,996 --> 00:21:12,130
Do I have a bruise?
577
00:21:12,131 --> 00:21:13,364
A little one.
578
00:21:13,365 --> 00:21:15,934
Yes! I'm going on the wall
of heroes.
579
00:21:15,935 --> 00:21:17,202
Did we catch all the bad guys?
580
00:21:17,203 --> 00:21:18,536
Yup, we got 'em.
581
00:21:18,537 --> 00:21:20,772
All right,
another win for USPIS.
582
00:21:20,773 --> 00:21:22,307
You're lying in rat turds.
583
00:21:22,308 --> 00:21:23,374
It's all part of the job,
little brother.
584
00:21:23,375 --> 00:21:25,343
It's all part of the job.
585
00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:27,478
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/