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Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com
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Attention, Nine-Nine.
We have an announcement.
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"Shrek Live" is coming back to Broadway!
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- Nope, you dreamed that.
- Aw.
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We just came in here
to tell you to save the date,
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because we're getting
married on May 15th.
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We found a venue!
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Wow!
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00:00:21,442 --> 00:00:23,743
Finding a place in the spring
in New York is impossible.
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Sharon and I had to get married
in Albany in December.
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Terry was too cold to consummate.
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- Hm, good to know.
- We got really lucky.
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The place was booked solid for the
next two years, but a couple fell out.
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Of a fifth-floor window.
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She was teetering and
he tried to grab her...
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Babe, we agreed we wouldn't
talk about that part.
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Right... sorry. It was gruesome.
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Never again. The EMTs said that
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it was a meat pancake. I'm done.
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So, tell us about the venue.
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Oh, well, there's not much to tell...
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other than it's a gorgeous mansion!
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- Big ol' house!
- With a professional kitchen.
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- Chop-chop, y'all!
- Ooh.
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A private library for the ceremony.
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My girl loves books!
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Seven bathrooms!
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No lines, ladies!
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And an outdoor reception area.
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Uh-can I get a gazebo?
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I apologize to a host of communities.
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The point is, these nuptials
are going to be "toit"!
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Speaking of "toit nups,"
we better get going,
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00:01:05,219 --> 00:01:06,485
because we don't have
a lot of time and we have
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00:01:06,521 --> 00:01:07,720
to meet with 17 wedding vendors.
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A jam-packed schedule
that could only be achieved
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by a type-A personality!
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- Jake.
- Yep, we gotta go.
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I have some unfortunate news.
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An NYPD officer has gone missing.
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The department suspects foul play.
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Oh, my God. Do we know the officer?
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Yes, it's...
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Sergeant Peanut Butter.
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- My nemesis.
- Your nemesis is a horse?
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Are you still mad at Peanut Butter
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because he won a medal
the same day as you?
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He totally upstaged me. He Tucci-ed me!
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Look what you get
if you do an image search
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of "Charles Boyle, medal of valor."
51
00:01:35,483 --> 00:01:37,917
Huh? They cropped me out
of my own photo!
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You just keep that tab open
on your phone all the time?
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No, I just looked it up real fast.
You didn't see.
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Captain, I solved it. Charles
kidnapped Peanut Butter.
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I did not.
But it's no surprise that somebody did.
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Hey, my kids love that horse.
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Your kids need help wiping
their butts, Sarge.
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00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:53,332
They're not exactly geniuses.
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The actual suspect is Jesse Gurmwald,
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a disgruntled civilian admin
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who was recently fired
by the mounted unit.
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He's gone to ground,
but detectives throughout
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00:02:01,442 --> 00:02:03,843
the city are checking
every possible hideout.
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00:02:03,878 --> 00:02:06,412
Diaz, Boyle: here's a list
of locations in our precinct.
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00:02:06,447 --> 00:02:07,880
- Be thorough.
- Yes, sir.
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And just to be clear,
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if I went missing, you
guys would conduct
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an equally thorough search, right?
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You should get going.
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So, we can wrap it in silk,
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or, for a more rustic feel... burlap.
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Oh... that's neat, but...
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We want these nups to be toit.
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- Excuse me?
- Could we wrap the flowers
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in "New York Times" crossword puzzles
from key dates in our lives?
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Oh... is that something you'd like?
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Uh, boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
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Here's the deposit.
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I designed you a signature cocktail.
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I call it the "Peraltiago."
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Ooh!
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Mm... and the judges give
it a score of...
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Jeremy, did you make that cake
that I called you about?
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Yes, I wasn't entirely sure
if you were joking or not, but...
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A Nakatomi Plaza cake?
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The groom is on a licorice hose.
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Welcome to the wedding, pal.
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Oh, Amy.
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These nups may be getting too toit.
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00:03:02,570 --> 00:03:04,904
Since Diaz and Boyle are
searching for Peanut Butter,
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I need you to be available to work
any cases that might come in.
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00:03:07,408 --> 00:03:08,607
Of course, Captain. My pleasure.
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Morning, Amanda.
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Oh, and I thought we should transfer
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the Glenmoore assault to the Nine-Eight.
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Absolutely. Brian.
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Looking swole.
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You're looking swole. Is today leg day?
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Legs for an hour, two hours
blasting the glutes.
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Terry's got butt for days!
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Excuse me?
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I said, "Terry's got butt for days!"
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Please stop talking about my body.
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- What?
- I'm Teri.
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You just said I had "butt for days."
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Oh, I see what just happened.
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Terry's gonna regret this.
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- Are you threatening me?
- No!
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No, no. This is a misunderstanding.
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My name is also Terry,
and I was talking about my butt.
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So you were complimenting your own body?
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Well, I'm pretty proud of it.
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Do you know how old I am?
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Okay. Apology accepted.
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Seems pretty arrogant, though.
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This might not be the right time,
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but talking about yourself
in the third person
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- has finally...
- Terry knows!
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- I love our venue so much.
- Me too.
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It's like our very own Hogwarts.
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- Yes! And I'm Hermione.
- Yes! And I am Snape.
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- What?
- I never realized I could
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have feelings this strong
about a building.
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00:04:07,935 --> 00:04:09,201
Okay, we just have to
drop off our deposit,
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00:04:09,237 --> 00:04:10,903
and then we're done for the day.
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Well, it
would appear that we have achieved
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what scholars refer to
as the "toitest of nups"!
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Indeed!
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Ooh!
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Oh, hi Susan.
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- Hey.
- We're normal people.
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Hi, I was just about to call you guys.
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Ah, well, no need to call,
because we are here.
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- And we've got our deposit.
- Thank you so much.
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We just booked all our vendors.
It's really happening.
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Yeah, about that...
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Wait, what's wrong? Something's wrong.
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That's the look my mom
gave me right before
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she told me that my dad left.
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Oh, God, did my dad leave my mom again?
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- How do you know my mom and dad?
- You know, I'm so sorry.
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There must have been a mix-up.
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Someone just contacted my manager
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and booked the venue
before you got here.
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But we had an oral agreement.
146
00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:50,342
You said we had until
the end of the day... EOD.
147
00:04:50,378 --> 00:04:52,611
It's not EOD. The D hasn't E'd.
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It won't be E'd for ages!
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00:04:54,515 --> 00:04:56,498
I'm sorry. It's out of
my hands, you know?
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Someone just swooped in and got it.
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Wait. Susan... Susan!
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Who? Who would do that?
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Amy, we had something great
in the palm of our hands,
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00:05:04,725 --> 00:05:06,258
and then someone swooped
in at the last minute
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00:05:06,294 --> 00:05:07,693
and stole it?
156
00:05:07,728 --> 00:05:09,194
There's only one person
who would do that.
157
00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:11,163
No. But... it couldn't be!
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Ah, but it is.
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The Vulture!
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Suckers.
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Oh, no. Our nups have been un-toitened.
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We've got loose nups.
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Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
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What's your game here, Vulture, huh?
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Why are you renting our venue?
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Why do you think, meat farts?
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- I'm getting married.
- Really?
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You once told me that marriage
is for women and gays.
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And that the only thing you're married
to is banging married chicks.
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Yeah, and I meant it all.
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But love? Love hath changed me.
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No it hathn't.
You just vultured our venue.
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Yeah, but I did it for love.
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My fiancée, she means everything to me.
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00:05:44,051 --> 00:05:46,472
You know, she's hot like a chick,
she's smart like a guy.
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Just talking to her
gives me a Harrelson.
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00:05:47,876 --> 00:05:48,908
- Harrelson?
- Woody.
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00:05:48,943 --> 00:05:50,576
- Ew.
- Yeah.
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00:05:50,612 --> 00:05:52,045
Look, I know I've become
that gross, sappy guy,
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00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,346
but dude, she's the first
chick I ever wanted
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00:05:53,381 --> 00:05:54,580
to hang out with post-bang.
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I can't believe a real person
has agreed to marry you.
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Oh, my lady's real, all right.
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Her name is Jean Munhroe,
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00:05:59,821 --> 00:06:01,688
and we complete the living hell
out of each other...
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00:06:01,723 --> 00:06:03,056
sometimes twice a night.
187
00:06:04,526 --> 00:06:05,725
Hey, you know what?
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00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,360
I need to handle this right now.
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00:06:07,395 --> 00:06:08,961
Look, I know how hard
it is to find a venue.
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00:06:08,997 --> 00:06:10,563
But if it could happen for me,
it could happen for you.
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00:06:10,598 --> 00:06:12,899
It happened for you because
it did happen for us.
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00:06:12,934 --> 00:06:14,133
Chins up, dingdongs.
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00:06:14,169 --> 00:06:15,868
I'm trying to be happy over here.
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00:06:15,904 --> 00:06:17,036
Ugh.
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00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:18,671
Jake, what are we gonna do?
196
00:06:18,707 --> 00:06:20,640
We already gave deposits
to all our vendors.
197
00:06:20,675 --> 00:06:21,974
We're gonna get this place back.
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00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:23,476
How? The Vulture's not gonna budge.
199
00:06:23,511 --> 00:06:27,033
Yeah, maybe, but he does
have a weak spot: his woman.
200
00:06:27,069 --> 00:06:29,082
Not that women are weak.
Just, she's our best shot,
201
00:06:29,117 --> 00:06:30,650
- and she happens to be a woman.
- Totally.
202
00:06:30,685 --> 00:06:32,552
Let's go talk to that spineless skank.
203
00:06:32,587 --> 00:06:34,087
Yeah.
204
00:06:34,122 --> 00:06:36,622
Why do we even have
police horses anymore?
205
00:06:36,658 --> 00:06:38,758
We have motorcycles now.
They're faster, cooler.
206
00:06:38,793 --> 00:06:40,493
They also don't get boners
in the background
207
00:06:40,528 --> 00:06:42,495
of every photo of you and the mayor.
208
00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:44,326
What do you mean?
A horse is a perfect partner.
209
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,932
Tough, scary, and they don't show you
210
00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:48,868
30 pictures of their kid dressed
as Wario for Halloween.
211
00:06:48,903 --> 00:06:50,336
I'm not talking about Nikolaj.
212
00:06:50,372 --> 00:06:52,603
I literally just showed you
those pictures five minutes ago.
213
00:06:52,639 --> 00:06:54,438
Really? I don't remember that.
214
00:06:54,474 --> 00:06:55,439
Hmm.
215
00:06:59,647 --> 00:07:01,681
NYPD! Hands where we can see 'em!
216
00:07:01,716 --> 00:07:03,082
Step away from Peanut Butter.
217
00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:04,650
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?
218
00:07:04,686 --> 00:07:06,519
You guys thought you could catch me?
219
00:07:11,593 --> 00:07:12,859
I'll head him off.
220
00:07:12,894 --> 00:07:14,794
Fine, I'll get the dumb horse.
221
00:07:15,997 --> 00:07:18,464
All right. Oh, boy, oh, boy.
222
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:19,899
Come on, you idiot!
223
00:07:21,903 --> 00:07:22,869
Run!
224
00:07:22,904 --> 00:07:24,570
Ugh, you dumb horse.
225
00:07:24,606 --> 00:07:25,605
Ha!
226
00:07:26,908 --> 00:07:28,141
Peanut Butter!
227
00:07:33,047 --> 00:07:34,847
Stop! Peanut Butter, stop!
228
00:07:34,883 --> 00:07:36,215
- Stop!
- Boyle!
229
00:07:36,251 --> 00:07:38,117
Just let go!
230
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:40,486
Okay, we have to force the She-Vulture,
231
00:07:40,522 --> 00:07:43,489
Jean Munhroe, to give us our venue
back, so put on your game face,
232
00:07:43,525 --> 00:07:44,957
'cause we're about to
stare down the devil.
233
00:07:44,993 --> 00:07:47,126
Devil can't stare if the
devil's got tears in her eyes
234
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:48,227
and blood in her ears.
235
00:07:48,263 --> 00:07:49,695
Oh, I love your intensity.
236
00:07:49,731 --> 00:07:50,897
All right, this is where she works.
237
00:07:50,932 --> 00:07:52,465
"The Zenith Fund."
238
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,066
Ulch, it even sounds evil.
239
00:07:54,102 --> 00:07:55,635
Of course it is.
She's marrying the Vulture.
240
00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:56,936
Everything about her is evil.
241
00:07:56,972 --> 00:08:00,438
Time to enter the den of bastards
who deserve to die.
242
00:08:01,676 --> 00:08:04,544
All right, snake, show your face...
it's a charity.
243
00:08:04,579 --> 00:08:05,978
Amy, it's a charity.
244
00:08:06,014 --> 00:08:08,047
Look at this: "Jean, your selflessness
245
00:08:08,082 --> 00:08:11,334
"puts us all to shame.
Humbled, Michelle Obama."
246
00:08:11,475 --> 00:08:13,686
Damn, Jean.
247
00:08:13,721 --> 00:08:15,521
Hi. Can I help you?
248
00:08:15,557 --> 00:08:17,924
Uh, yes. We're looking for Jean Munhroe.
249
00:08:17,959 --> 00:08:19,992
- We know her fiancé.
- Oh, I'm Jean.
250
00:08:20,028 --> 00:08:22,061
Are you Jake and Amy?
251
00:08:22,096 --> 00:08:23,696
Keith has told me all about you.
252
00:08:23,731 --> 00:08:25,264
- He says you guys are the best.
- Really?
253
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,834
- Keith says that?
- Yeah... oh, Janice?
254
00:08:27,869 --> 00:08:30,069
That village needs rice.
Double the last shipment.
255
00:08:30,104 --> 00:08:32,531
Just take the overage
out of my paycheck.
256
00:08:32,907 --> 00:08:35,575
So, what brings you guys
to the Zenith Fund?
257
00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:38,144
Uh... actually,
something super important...
258
00:08:38,179 --> 00:08:39,779
Oh, I am so sorry.
259
00:08:39,814 --> 00:08:41,814
- I've gotta take this.
- Mm-hmm.
260
00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:43,432
What do you mean, "roadblock"?
261
00:08:43,468 --> 00:08:45,518
Do I have to fly down there
and talk to the rebels myself?
262
00:08:45,553 --> 00:08:47,086
Just get the rice to those kids.
263
00:08:47,121 --> 00:08:49,295
Asante sana, Rafiki.
264
00:08:49,724 --> 00:08:50,990
Sorry about that.
265
00:08:51,025 --> 00:08:52,725
Wow, your job sounds very intense.
266
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,560
No, no, no, it's nothing
compared to what
267
00:08:54,596 --> 00:08:56,195
these children go through
on a daily basis.
268
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:58,631
It really puts things in perspective.
269
00:08:58,666 --> 00:08:59,732
- Right.
- So,
270
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,100
what was the important thing
271
00:09:01,135 --> 00:09:02,134
you came down here to talk about?
272
00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:04,837
Uh... the kids.
273
00:09:04,873 --> 00:09:07,073
- And the rice.
- And...
274
00:09:07,108 --> 00:09:10,365
putting the rice... in the kids.
275
00:09:10,778 --> 00:09:14,280
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have two new donors!
276
00:09:15,617 --> 00:09:16,716
Yay!
277
00:09:16,751 --> 00:09:18,117
Ooh, there's a bell.
278
00:09:18,152 --> 00:09:19,719
Oh!
279
00:09:19,754 --> 00:09:22,828
Do y'all have an ATM?
280
00:09:23,191 --> 00:09:26,659
Sir, can I get $350 in petty cash?
281
00:09:26,694 --> 00:09:29,228
I need to throw an ice cream party
for Teri-with-an-I, make sure
282
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,197
- there's no hard feelings.
- Why?
283
00:09:31,232 --> 00:09:32,899
She gets it was a misunderstanding.
284
00:09:32,934 --> 00:09:34,800
She's a Teri, and you're a Terrance who,
285
00:09:34,836 --> 00:09:38,137
even though he's not a child,
still goes by a nickname ending in a Y.
286
00:09:38,172 --> 00:09:40,706
I mean, don't people call you Ray?
287
00:09:40,742 --> 00:09:41,974
How dare you.
288
00:09:42,010 --> 00:09:43,643
Sir, I don't want any tension
289
00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:45,978
between the squad
and the uniformed officers.
290
00:09:46,014 --> 00:09:47,748
I'm just thinking about the precinct.
291
00:09:47,784 --> 00:09:49,081
You're lying.
292
00:09:49,117 --> 00:09:50,816
You're upset because
Teri-with-an-I called you
293
00:09:50,852 --> 00:09:53,686
arrogant, and you have
a pathological need to be liked.
294
00:09:53,721 --> 00:09:55,755
What? No, I don't.
295
00:09:55,790 --> 00:09:57,623
I just happen to be a great person
296
00:09:57,659 --> 00:09:59,258
who's naturally beloved by all...
297
00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,517
despite my personal ambivalence.
298
00:10:01,553 --> 00:10:04,664
Well, if that's true, then you won't
mind walking across the bullpen
299
00:10:04,699 --> 00:10:06,999
without saying hello to anybody.
300
00:10:07,035 --> 00:10:08,334
No problem.
301
00:10:08,369 --> 00:10:10,102
No nods allowed.
302
00:10:10,138 --> 00:10:11,237
What?
303
00:10:11,272 --> 00:10:12,872
Okay, it's gonna be okay.
304
00:10:12,907 --> 00:10:14,640
You're a busy sergeant.
305
00:10:14,676 --> 00:10:16,809
They can't always expect you to
be friendly.
306
00:10:16,844 --> 00:10:18,611
Time to go to frown town.
307
00:10:18,646 --> 00:10:20,246
Let's do this, Jeffords.
308
00:10:20,281 --> 00:10:21,647
- Hey, Sarge.
- Bill!
309
00:10:21,683 --> 00:10:22,982
What up, man?
310
00:10:24,352 --> 00:10:25,351
You were right.
311
00:10:25,386 --> 00:10:27,620
Terry loves to be loved!
312
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:30,222
Hey, Monica! Hey, Dough.
313
00:10:30,258 --> 00:10:32,992
Ooh, who wants a nod?
314
00:10:33,027 --> 00:10:35,661
Hey. Any luck finding a new venue
315
00:10:35,697 --> 00:10:37,263
- that's available on May 15th?
- Yeah.
316
00:10:37,298 --> 00:10:39,632
May 15, 2026.
317
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:40,967
Please tell me the vendors
are giving us back
318
00:10:41,002 --> 00:10:42,301
- our deposits.
- Yes.
319
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,936
One of them. The photographer.
320
00:10:43,972 --> 00:10:45,371
Provided that you hang out with him,
321
00:10:45,406 --> 00:10:46,806
so how do you feel about
spending the weekend
322
00:10:46,841 --> 00:10:47,907
on his houseboat in Yonkers?
323
00:10:47,942 --> 00:10:49,141
Ugh, Jake.
324
00:10:49,177 --> 00:10:50,710
Forget the perfect wedding.
325
00:10:50,745 --> 00:10:52,078
- We're screwed.
- I know.
326
00:10:52,113 --> 00:10:54,847
I can't believe that saint of a woman
is actually marrying the Vulture.
327
00:10:54,882 --> 00:10:56,415
Maybe he's changed.
328
00:10:56,451 --> 00:10:57,717
- How is that even possible?
- I don't know.
329
00:10:57,752 --> 00:10:58,918
Nothing makes sense anymore.
330
00:10:58,953 --> 00:11:01,420
The Vulture's not the Vulture,
good is bad, up is down,
331
00:11:01,456 --> 00:11:02,822
there's a young pope, winter has come.
332
00:11:02,857 --> 00:11:05,024
That reminds me: I ordered
some premium cable channels.
333
00:11:07,195 --> 00:11:09,128
Hitchcock? What was that sound?
334
00:11:09,163 --> 00:11:10,997
I just got an alert from my hookup app.
335
00:11:11,032 --> 00:11:13,899
I'm about to boink with a
local single in my area.
336
00:11:15,203 --> 00:11:16,402
- Ames.
- Jake.
337
00:11:16,437 --> 00:11:17,703
- Ames.
- Jake!
338
00:11:17,739 --> 00:11:18,774
- Ames!
- Jake!
339
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:20,806
Up is up, down is down,
the Vulture still boinks!
340
00:11:21,872 --> 00:11:23,595
I need to handle this right now.
341
00:11:23,631 --> 00:11:25,528
I can't believe that bastard
is cheating on nice Jean.
342
00:11:25,564 --> 00:11:27,213
We have to save her.
We have to break them up.
343
00:11:27,248 --> 00:11:29,081
- For nice Jean!
- And the starving kids.
344
00:11:29,117 --> 00:11:30,783
- And Michelle Obama.
- And a little side benefit:
345
00:11:30,818 --> 00:11:32,600
if we break them up,
we get our venue back.
346
00:11:32,636 --> 00:11:34,186
Yes, but the main reason
is to save a wonderful person
347
00:11:34,222 --> 00:11:35,755
from making a horrible mistake.
348
00:11:35,790 --> 00:11:37,156
Of course. That's obviously the point.
349
00:11:37,191 --> 00:11:38,758
The venue is just secondary.
350
00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:39,892
What venue? We're great people.
351
00:11:39,927 --> 00:11:42,128
Hey, Jake.
352
00:11:42,858 --> 00:11:43,924
See?
353
00:11:44,516 --> 00:11:46,789
Okay, so the Vulture
is cheating on Jean Munhroe,
354
00:11:46,824 --> 00:11:48,978
which totally tracks, because
he is the epitome of awful.
355
00:11:49,014 --> 00:11:50,825
- Ooh, nice use of "epitome."
- Thanks, babe.
356
00:11:50,861 --> 00:11:52,327
My question is, why pretend to change?
357
00:11:52,362 --> 00:11:53,828
I mean, why get married at all?
358
00:11:53,864 --> 00:11:55,330
I'll tell you why.
359
00:11:55,365 --> 00:11:57,465
Because Jean's dad
is worth $100 million,
360
00:11:57,501 --> 00:11:59,000
and she's his only heir.
361
00:11:59,036 --> 00:12:00,561
Then why did she need our $1,000?
362
00:12:00,597 --> 00:12:02,971
I mean, I'm so happy we gave the money
363
00:12:03,006 --> 00:12:04,406
so the kids could have rice
and et cetera.
364
00:12:04,441 --> 00:12:06,007
- So, how do we break them up?
- Simple.
365
00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:07,575
We catfish him with
Hitchcock's hookup app.
366
00:12:07,611 --> 00:12:09,944
Then, when he takes the bait,
we make him end things
367
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,880
with Jean respectfully and gently.
368
00:12:11,915 --> 00:12:13,348
Perfect. She hurts for a bit,
369
00:12:13,383 --> 00:12:14,916
but she eventually moves on,
370
00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,084
and she finds a much better man.
371
00:12:16,119 --> 00:12:18,853
Yes. And as a distant, secondary
benefit, we get the mansion back.
372
00:12:18,889 --> 00:12:20,339
Agreed. Okay.
373
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:22,123
So, let's create a temptress
374
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,059
- that will boink-match with him.
- Yeah.
375
00:12:24,094 --> 00:12:26,394
- What's the sexiest name?
- Valerie.
376
00:12:26,857 --> 00:12:28,923
That was fast. Do you know a Valerie?
377
00:12:28,959 --> 00:12:30,938
No. I wish.
378
00:12:31,935 --> 00:12:33,435
All right, she's 19,
379
00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:35,970
from Daytona, and her job
is "spray tannist."
380
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:37,906
Ugh, "tannist." Not a real word.
381
00:12:37,941 --> 00:12:38,907
- It's perfect.
- Yeah.
382
00:12:38,942 --> 00:12:40,342
Okay, she's into
383
00:12:40,377 --> 00:12:42,410
spring break, bong rips, slurping shots,
384
00:12:42,446 --> 00:12:44,634
and crop tops that say "little cutie."
385
00:12:44,670 --> 00:12:46,617
- Noice.
- She is not into...
386
00:12:46,653 --> 00:12:49,317
nerds, wearing pants,
needy guys, monogamy,
387
00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:51,605
or feminism, and her quote is,
388
00:12:51,641 --> 00:12:53,612
"Whatever happened
to 'Girls Gone Wild'?"
389
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,990
This Valerie sounds like a real pill.
390
00:12:57,594 --> 00:13:00,128
Okay. Let's see who our matches are.
391
00:13:00,163 --> 00:13:02,197
Here we go.
392
00:13:02,232 --> 00:13:03,874
Uh-huh.
393
00:13:03,910 --> 00:13:05,200
Gross, mm-hmm.
394
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:07,356
Oh, Hitchcock.
395
00:13:07,392 --> 00:13:10,138
I mean, "Dave, age 28"?
396
00:13:10,173 --> 00:13:11,606
- Ugh.
- Come on.
397
00:13:11,641 --> 00:13:13,141
- Oh!
- Gotcha.
398
00:13:13,176 --> 00:13:15,059
There he is. All right.
399
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,868
And so begins the delicate dance.
400
00:13:16,904 --> 00:13:18,923
We begin with a simple hello.
401
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:20,733
And then we wait, so as
not to seem too aggressive...
402
00:13:20,769 --> 00:13:22,319
No, he sent us a picture of his penis!
403
00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:25,019
Oh, God, he just sent 15 more.
404
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,221
Oh, God, it's horrible.
But it's wonderful.
405
00:13:26,256 --> 00:13:27,836
We're gonna save Jean!
406
00:13:27,872 --> 00:13:29,057
Yes, and we're gonna
get the mansion back!
407
00:13:29,092 --> 00:13:31,107
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, he put a little hat on it.
408
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,175
Ugh.
409
00:13:32,496 --> 00:13:34,129
Hey, there you are.
410
00:13:34,164 --> 00:13:35,964
- You okay?
- Yeah, no burns.
411
00:13:35,999 --> 00:13:38,032
The doctor said I was lucky
my body was so damp.
412
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,567
- So why did it take so long?
- Well, the EMT spent
413
00:13:39,603 --> 00:13:41,069
loads of time on Peanut Butter.
414
00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:42,137
But you know what?
415
00:13:42,173 --> 00:13:45,614
I don't care, because I saved
that dumb horse, so I'm the hero.
416
00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:48,997
And this time, when I get my medal,
my whole face will be in the picture.
417
00:13:49,033 --> 00:13:51,336
- You haven't seen "The Post," have you?
- What? No.
418
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,514
- Why?
- Somebody was walking
419
00:13:52,549 --> 00:13:55,049
by the fire and took a picture
on their cell phone.
420
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:58,219
What? That's not what happened.
I saved him.
421
00:13:58,255 --> 00:13:59,587
That's not how they're reporting it.
422
00:13:59,623 --> 00:14:01,656
No, look. "Daily News" got it right.
423
00:14:01,691 --> 00:14:03,124
Yeah.
424
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,527
"Hero Cop Saves Helpless Buffoon."
425
00:14:05,562 --> 00:14:08,596
Oh, no. Am I the buffoon?
426
00:14:08,632 --> 00:14:10,541
Uh-oh, dropped your phone.
Now we'll never know.
427
00:14:10,577 --> 00:14:11,810
Wait.
428
00:14:11,846 --> 00:14:13,379
There was a dash cam in the car.
429
00:14:13,415 --> 00:14:14,969
We have footage of what really happened!
430
00:14:15,005 --> 00:14:17,187
Brass already called. They don't
want us releasing that footage.
431
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:19,415
A hero horse is good PR
for the department.
432
00:14:19,451 --> 00:14:22,087
Hey, man, uh...
Peanut Butter's going on "Ellen."
433
00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:24,512
"Ellen"? That's my dream!
434
00:14:24,548 --> 00:14:27,729
Now he gets to dance with DJ tWitch!
435
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:30,418
What's going on here?
436
00:14:30,738 --> 00:14:33,338
I'm throwing Teri-with-an-I's
party with my own money.
437
00:14:33,374 --> 00:14:35,020
I didn't know her favorite
kind of ice cream,
438
00:14:35,056 --> 00:14:36,684
so I printed a photo of her
and showed it
439
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,246
to all the ice cream places
within 30 blocks.
440
00:14:39,282 --> 00:14:42,464
Nobody recognized her,
so I got every flavor... 200 pints.
441
00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:44,232
This is the greatest day of my life.
442
00:14:44,268 --> 00:14:46,668
Have you considered
this Teri-with-an-I might not
443
00:14:46,703 --> 00:14:49,170
- be an ice cream person?
- I did think that.
444
00:14:49,206 --> 00:14:50,853
That's why there's a taco bar coming.
445
00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:52,622
- Yes.
- Plus barbecue.
446
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:53,741
- Yes.
- Plus a popcorn guy.
447
00:14:53,777 --> 00:14:55,310
- Yes.
- Plus vegan options.
448
00:14:55,345 --> 00:14:56,411
- Why?
- Sergeant,
449
00:14:56,446 --> 00:14:58,112
you've become unhinged.
450
00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,314
There's always gonna
be people in this world
451
00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:00,381
who don't like you.
452
00:15:00,417 --> 00:15:01,616
That's a fact of life.
453
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:02,880
I hear you, sir.
454
00:15:02,916 --> 00:15:05,286
But I hate the feeling
of people being mad at me.
455
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,055
So what?
456
00:15:07,090 --> 00:15:08,756
I was voted least friendly
in high school,
457
00:15:08,792 --> 00:15:10,225
and here I am, a police captain.
458
00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:12,193
Do you know what Mr. Popularity
459
00:15:12,229 --> 00:15:14,476
Vincent Mondale is doing these days?
460
00:15:14,512 --> 00:15:16,364
He's a sociologist, for God's sake.
461
00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:18,266
Sociologist, Terry.
462
00:15:18,301 --> 00:15:20,101
I'm sorry, but I gotta do this.
463
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:22,004
Okay, but just know...
464
00:15:22,748 --> 00:15:24,781
if you go through with this party,
465
00:15:24,817 --> 00:15:26,249
I will like you less.
466
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:30,612
Hello, Vulture. Got a minute?
467
00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:32,247
Doesn't matter. We don't care.
468
00:15:32,282 --> 00:15:34,048
Let me guess. You guys are here to cry
469
00:15:34,084 --> 00:15:35,383
about the wedding venue
that I stole from you
470
00:15:35,418 --> 00:15:37,252
- fair and square, right?
- No.
471
00:15:37,287 --> 00:15:39,220
Actually, we wanna talk to you
about some other things.
472
00:15:39,256 --> 00:15:41,823
Like spring break, slurping shots,
473
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,558
and hating pants.
474
00:15:43,593 --> 00:15:45,982
Wait a second, why does
that sound familiar?
475
00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:48,795
I don't know.
Maybe you should ask... Valerie.
476
00:15:48,831 --> 00:15:50,832
Yeah, that's right. We catfished you.
477
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,500
- Boom.
- You're Valerie?
478
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,102
Ah, I can't believe I actually wasted
479
00:15:54,137 --> 00:15:56,226
my sweet dong snaps on you bozos.
480
00:15:56,262 --> 00:15:58,673
All right, here's how this is gonna go.
481
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,475
You are gonna break up with Jean,
482
00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:03,311
because we all know you're just
marrying her for her money.
483
00:16:03,346 --> 00:16:04,779
You're gonna do it nicely
and respectfully,
484
00:16:04,814 --> 00:16:06,414
and you're gonna make
a generous donation
485
00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:07,615
- to her charity.
- Nice touch, Ames.
486
00:16:07,651 --> 00:16:08,816
You guys got it all wrong.
487
00:16:08,852 --> 00:16:10,118
I don't care that she's rich.
488
00:16:10,153 --> 00:16:11,152
Look, I love her.
489
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:12,587
I just got spooked.
490
00:16:12,622 --> 00:16:13,821
You put a vulture into a cage, and...
491
00:16:13,857 --> 00:16:15,490
It freaks out.
492
00:16:15,525 --> 00:16:17,125
Actually, vultures do
very well in captivity
493
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,494
- and they mate for life.
- Research burn.
494
00:16:19,529 --> 00:16:22,734
All right, look. I'm deleting the app
from my phone as we speak, okay?
495
00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:24,770
Come on. Jean's over 30.
496
00:16:24,806 --> 00:16:26,321
No amount of money in the entire world
497
00:16:26,357 --> 00:16:27,922
could make me marry a woman that old.
498
00:16:27,958 --> 00:16:29,270
But love can. And will.
499
00:16:29,306 --> 00:16:30,675
You have two options.
500
00:16:30,711 --> 00:16:31,977
Either you break up with her...
501
00:16:32,013 --> 00:16:33,708
Or we send her the penis pics...
502
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,377
even the one next to the...
I'm guessing, a mini soda can?
503
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,745
- Nah, it was regular size.
- Really?
504
00:16:37,781 --> 00:16:40,214
Oh, Jean's here. So what's it gonna be?
505
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,817
You gonna tell her, or do we have to?
506
00:16:42,852 --> 00:16:44,419
- I've changed.
- Nope.
507
00:16:44,454 --> 00:16:45,753
- I won't do it again.
- Nope.
508
00:16:45,789 --> 00:16:47,422
I'll give you the venue.
509
00:16:47,457 --> 00:16:48,745
- Oh.
- What's that?
510
00:16:48,781 --> 00:16:50,692
I'll give you the venue
if you don't say anything,
511
00:16:50,727 --> 00:16:52,360
but if you do, I'm gonna keep it.
512
00:16:52,395 --> 00:16:54,708
Even if she and I break up, all right?
I love her.
513
00:16:54,744 --> 00:16:56,765
I promise you this.
514
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,333
- Deal.
- Okay.
515
00:16:58,368 --> 00:16:59,867
Now just act normal, please.
516
00:16:59,903 --> 00:17:01,703
Oh, wow. What a surprise.
517
00:17:01,738 --> 00:17:03,638
- My donors.
- Hello, Jean Munhroe!
518
00:17:03,673 --> 00:17:06,125
Nice to see you, Jean Munhroe!
519
00:17:06,815 --> 00:17:08,603
You all looked so intense
when I got here.
520
00:17:08,639 --> 00:17:09,804
What were you talking about?
521
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:10,805
- Crime scene.
- Soup.
522
00:17:10,841 --> 00:17:12,407
Uh... soup crime scene.
523
00:17:12,442 --> 00:17:14,270
The Chowder Killer's back at it again.
524
00:17:14,306 --> 00:17:16,039
Oh, I haven't heard of him.
525
00:17:16,075 --> 00:17:18,225
Yeah, well, he just moved
to Manhattan...
526
00:17:18,261 --> 00:17:20,027
from New England.
527
00:17:20,063 --> 00:17:22,525
You guys are so lucky
to all work together.
528
00:17:22,561 --> 00:17:25,602
Oh, my gosh, what is Keith like at work?
529
00:17:25,638 --> 00:17:27,672
Aw, Keith? Our Keith?
530
00:17:27,708 --> 00:17:29,098
Well, he's a real crack-up,
531
00:17:29,134 --> 00:17:30,300
I'll tell you that for free.
532
00:17:30,336 --> 00:17:32,225
We have so many inside jokes.
533
00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:33,649
- So many inside jokes.
- Mm-hmm.
534
00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:35,344
Hey, guys... potato salad?
535
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:39,178
You wouldn't understand. It's from work.
536
00:17:39,214 --> 00:17:40,746
Oh, my gosh, you guys are so crazy.
537
00:17:40,782 --> 00:17:42,270
Yeah.
538
00:17:42,569 --> 00:17:43,902
So how did you two meet?
539
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,573
Oh, someone stole from my charity,
540
00:17:45,609 --> 00:17:47,609
and another detective was
working on the case so hard
541
00:17:47,644 --> 00:17:49,846
for months, and Keith came in,
542
00:17:49,882 --> 00:17:52,116
and solved it right away.
543
00:17:52,152 --> 00:17:53,936
Swooped in like an eagle.
544
00:17:53,972 --> 00:17:55,939
That's why my nickname's the Eagle.
545
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,341
- Right, guys?
- Yep.
546
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,528
Everyone calls him...
547
00:17:59,723 --> 00:18:01,322
The Eagle.
548
00:18:01,358 --> 00:18:03,568
So, when did you decide to propose?
549
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:07,162
Oh... ah, well, we were
just hanging out one night,
550
00:18:07,197 --> 00:18:10,465
and I looked over at Amy and it hit me.
551
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:13,668
She's incredible and my best friend,
552
00:18:13,704 --> 00:18:15,804
and I just knew in that moment...
553
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,033
I wanted to spend my life with her.
554
00:18:18,069 --> 00:18:20,729
I know what you mean.
Keith and I are the same way.
555
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:23,712
It is so nice to finally find
someone I can trust.
556
00:18:23,747 --> 00:18:25,613
Oh, boy.
557
00:18:25,649 --> 00:18:27,773
- I can't do this.
- Yeah, it's bad.
558
00:18:27,809 --> 00:18:30,413
Jean, we have to show you something.
559
00:18:30,449 --> 00:18:32,387
- No!
- A penis? Why?
560
00:18:32,422 --> 00:18:34,614
Yep, should've explained it first.
561
00:18:34,754 --> 00:18:37,395
Reese Witherspoon is optioning
the Peanut Butter story?
562
00:18:37,431 --> 00:18:39,398
- What?
- Forget that dumb horse.
563
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:40,834
Have you seen this?
564
00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:44,704
"Exclusive Dash Cam Footage Reveals
565
00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,907
Hero Cop Saved Sergeant Peanut Butter."
566
00:18:46,943 --> 00:18:49,174
I don't understand. How'd they get this?
567
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:50,376
Somebody must have leaked it.
568
00:18:50,412 --> 00:18:51,793
Perfect partner isn't a horse.
569
00:18:51,829 --> 00:18:54,476
The perfect partner is somebody who,
no matter how much they hate you,
570
00:18:54,511 --> 00:18:55,610
would run through a fire
to save your life.
571
00:18:55,645 --> 00:18:57,692
Aw. Thank you, Rosa.
572
00:18:57,728 --> 00:19:00,239
You're welcome. All right, come with me.
573
00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:01,616
We're going to Shaw's.
574
00:19:01,651 --> 00:19:03,718
- Whoa, all this is for me?
- Yep.
575
00:19:03,754 --> 00:19:06,345
You saved Peanut Butter,
even though he's a dick.
576
00:19:06,381 --> 00:19:09,191
- He is a dick.
- To Charles Boyle, everybody!
577
00:19:09,227 --> 00:19:10,889
To Charles Boyle!
578
00:19:10,925 --> 00:19:12,527
Thanks, guys.
579
00:19:12,562 --> 00:19:14,801
So, Terry, you decided
not to throw a party
580
00:19:14,837 --> 00:19:16,703
- for Teri-with-an-I?
- You were right.
581
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,233
Why bother trying to win over a stranger
582
00:19:18,268 --> 00:19:20,568
when I can make someone
I care about happy instead?
583
00:19:20,604 --> 00:19:22,971
Well, for the record, Jeffords...
584
00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:26,404
I like you a lot and I always have.
585
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,576
All right. Whatever.
586
00:19:29,055 --> 00:19:30,354
I taught him well.
587
00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:32,543
Who am I kidding? Terry needs a hug!
588
00:19:32,579 --> 00:19:34,315
Mm?
589
00:19:35,719 --> 00:19:37,829
Hey, I'm still a little shaken up.
590
00:19:37,865 --> 00:19:39,788
- We did the right thing, right?
- Yes, definitely.
591
00:19:39,823 --> 00:19:41,631
She's way better off without him.
592
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:42,891
And she let him know it.
593
00:19:42,926 --> 00:19:44,656
Yeah, for a human angel,
girl could throw down.
594
00:19:44,692 --> 00:19:46,125
I hate wasting rice...
595
00:19:46,161 --> 00:19:48,391
but I hate you more!
596
00:19:48,427 --> 00:19:50,226
She may be the coolest woman
I've ever met.
597
00:19:50,262 --> 00:19:52,009
- Yeah.
- So, what's up with the wedding?
598
00:19:52,045 --> 00:19:53,286
Do we need to find a new venue?
599
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:55,570
Actually, we found a place
that's available on the same date.
600
00:19:55,605 --> 00:19:58,373
- Ooh, is it another mansion?
- No, it is not.
601
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,412
Listen up, everybody!
602
00:20:00,448 --> 00:20:01,671
We are getting married
603
00:20:01,707 --> 00:20:03,703
- in a public rec center!
- Super cheap!
604
00:20:03,739 --> 00:20:05,404
- On a basketball court!
- Squeak-squeak!
605
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,667
- With one working bathroom!
- Ladies gotta wait!
606
00:20:07,703 --> 00:20:09,136
And it's in deep Staten Island.
607
00:20:09,172 --> 00:20:10,685
Destination wedding, y'all!
608
00:20:11,137 --> 00:20:12,470
But the point is,
609
00:20:12,506 --> 00:20:15,423
these nuptials are still gonna be...
mad toit.
610
00:20:15,458 --> 00:20:16,758
I would marry you in a dumpster.
611
00:20:16,793 --> 00:20:18,893
Aww, I would marry you in a dumpster.
612
00:20:18,929 --> 00:20:21,414
Dudes, the Vulture's throwing
613
00:20:21,450 --> 00:20:24,618
an all-girl pudding wrestling
party in a mansion in May!
614
00:20:24,654 --> 00:20:27,438
It's the only important thing
happening that day!
615
00:20:28,052 --> 00:20:29,747
- After party?
- Fits our budget.