(HUMMING)
Pizza delivery.
Wow. So, this is a real TV station, huh?
Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
What are you showing right now?
- (MUSIC PLAYS) - Single Female Lawyer.
It's the season finale. You want to watch?
Ah, I don't know. That's a chick show.
I prefer programs of the genre world's blankiest blank.
She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
I'm in.
Counselor, I remind you
that it's unethical to sleep with your client.
If you really care about the outcome of the case,
you should sleep with me.
Your Honor, it's bad enough
to proposition a single female lawyer in court,
but this is a unisex bathroom.
Overruled, counselor.
(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
(MOANS)
- (TYPEWRITER CLACKING) - Could you repeat that last part?
(YAWNS)
Oh, my God! You knocked Fox off the air!
Pfft! Like anyone on Earth cares.
(BEEPING)
(LONG BEEP)
Could you repeat that last part?
This is an outrage!
I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer
and her compellingly short garment.
ANNOUNCER: Due to technical difficulties,
we now bring you eight animated shows in a row.
(GROWLS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost?
- Get to work, you lazy boltbag. - Ow!
(LAUGHS) Ow!
Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Labor Day? That phony-baloney holiday
crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
- That's the one. - Hot damn. A day off.
Who's up for one last summer beach trip?
- Oh, yeah. - Ready, Freddy.
Eh, I think I'll just stay here.
Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV.
You need to get out and see the real world.
But this is HDTV.
It's got better resolution than the real world.
(SIGHS) Everyone's too polite to say anything,
but you're covered with bedsores.
- Not covered. - Just get in the car.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Ah! Here we are.
(READING)
Wait. Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
- I didn't know they were both in New York. - They are now.
In the 2600s, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor,
and he stole most of the world's monuments.
Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
(WHISTLES)
(HUMMING)
(GROANS)
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING STEADILY)
(BEEPS RAPIDLY)
Aha!
Found you.
Okay, now you go hide.
(CHUCKLES)
Nice knowing you.
(SLURPS) Ah!
- (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)
(AIR HISSES)
(GRUMBLES)
Come on, Zoidberg. I passed it right to you.
Ugh! I've had it with this game. I'm going for a scuttle.
(WATER BUBBLING)
Okay, everyone, come and get it!
(SIZZLING)
Ah! Just like my dad used to make, until McDonald's fired him.
Bite my red-hot glowing ass.
Wait a minute.
Red-hot glowing ass?
I'll be right back.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(SIZZLING)
(MOANS) Oh!
Yeah.
LEELA: Mmm!
(WHINING)
(GROWLS SOFTLY)
AMY: No. Nibbler.
(GASPS) Psst!
- (FARNSWORTH SNORING) - Professor, I need another bikini.
Wha...
Oh! Okay. I think there's one can left.
Oh, my.
There. How do I look?
Like a cheap French harlot.
French?
- (LEELA GASPS) - (BOTH GRUNTING)
Say, dollface, how'd you like to make time with a real man?
No. I'm not attracted to bullies,
no matter how big and handsome they are.
It's okay, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot of work to do here.
(CHUCKLES) Sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully.
I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down,
she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
50 bucks?
Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her.
Fry.
Although I suppose we could go for a walk on the beach.
Uh... No, thanks, ma'am. I'm actually gay.
(SLURPING)
Uh-oh. Help. Help!
(BENDER WHISTLING TUNEFULLY)
Bender, you got to spring me.
I'll never survive in here. I'm too pretty.
All right, all right. I'll bust you out.
(GRUNTS)
(ALARM BLARING)
Cheese it!
Voilà. The greatest sand castle ever built.
The kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in
- if he were a fiddler crab. - It's very nice.
We should get a picture before the tide comes in.
Oh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?
Right here, buddy.
Wait. I want to be in the picture, too.
(TIMER BEEPING)
Pretend you're happy.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL GASPING)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Oh, my God!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
What in Babylon?
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
No!
Faster!
We're all gonna die, aren't we?
Oh, I should think so.
Although, last time aliens invaded
all they did was force the most intelligent of us
to pair off and mate continuously.
Oh, yes.
Once again, today's winning lotto number was four.
In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth.
We now go live to an emergency address by Earth president McNeal.
Ladies and gentlemen,our course is clear.
The time has come to knuckle under.
To get down on all fours and really lick boot.
Give our alien masters whatever they want and...
People of Earth,
I am Lrrr, of the planetOmicron Persei 8.
Is this thing on?
(BLOWS)
Now, then. We want the one you call McNeal.
Give us McNeal, or we will lay waste to your cities
with our anti-monument laser.
We demand McNeal!
Uh... As I was saying... (CLEARS THROAT)
mankind would sooner perish
than kowtow to outrageous alien demandsfor this McNeal...
Whoever he is. Am I right?
(ALL MURMURING)
And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom,
fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula,
25-star general Zapp Brannigan.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(LEELA GROANS)
Hey, look, Leela.
It's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that?
Evidently not.
Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill,
I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone.
That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty.
Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon
and fire wildly into the air.
Well, you heard the windbag. We've been drafted.
Everyone into the ship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on!
I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector.
- A what? - You know, a coward.
Since this is an emergency,
all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
(BEEPING)
It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity.
Oh, crap.
You're all from different cultures here.
Some of you are white. Some of you are black.
You're brown. And you're silver.
But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese.
You're all going to have to learn to die together.
- Am I right, soldier? - Well, actually, I...
(BEEPING)
Sir! Yes, sir! Sir!
Remember, our mission is simple. Destroy all aliens.
Um... Eh... Not me, sir.
Oh, yes. Right. Nobody destroy Kif.
Unless you have to.
Oh, ho, ho.
The luscious Captain Leela.
This is turning into one very sexy struggle
for the future of the human race.
Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela, either.
The key to victory is discipline,
and that means a well-made bed.
You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
You mean, while I'm sleeping in it?
You won't have time for sleeping, soldier,
not with all the bed-making you'll be doing.
The alien mother ship is in orbit here.
If we can hit that bullseye,
the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards.
Checkmate.
(KIF GROANS)
Now, like all great plans,
my strategy is so simple, an idiot could have devised it.
On my command, all ships will line up
and file directly into the alien death cannons,
clogging them with wreckage.
Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first and...
- (CHOKING) - (BEEPING)
Sir! I volunteer for a suicide mission!
Ah! Cut it out!
You're a brave robot, son, but when I'm in command,
every mission's a suicide mission.
Which reminds me...
Leela, perhaps before we head into battle
you'd like to make love to me in case one of us doesn't come back.
Maybe we should wait till afterwards in case neither of us comes back.
Here's hoping.
Muah!
I'm gonna be a sci-fi hero
just like Uhura or Captain Janeway or Xena.
Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?
Sure. I just like TV better.
(IMITATES WEAPONS FIRING)
(ALARM BEEPS RAPIDLY)
Bender, damage report.
The auxiliary power's out. And they spilled my cocktail.
All right, scumwads, this one's for Bender's cocktail.
(POWERING DOWN)
(LAUGHS)
We did it! We won!
Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini.
Well, who wants a martini?
(RATTLING)
Good work, everyone. The mother ship is destroyed.
What the hell is that thing?
It appears to be the mother ship.
Then what did we just blow up?
The Hubble Telescope.
Stop exploding, you cowards!
This is hopeless.
If we're gonna get blown to bits,
we may as well do it in the comfort of our own home.
(BEEPING)
You'll be the captain, you'll be thedelivery boy,
and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed...
Oh, God, you're alive!
I mean, thank God, you're alive.
Sorry. Check back in three days. A week at the most.
We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.
The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself.
Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with...
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
(ALL CLAPPING)
Here he is! Come and get him!
You are not McNeal.
BOTH: Huh?
You are not the one we want.
Oh! Thank you. Thank you, glorious masters. I...
(SHRIEKS)
Give us McNeal!
That was McNeal.
No, McNeal, the single female lawyer.
She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
Really.
Miniskirts?
That sounds familiar.
Surely you know McNeal.
She is an unmarried human female
struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Silence! We will accept no more decoys.
This is the McNeal.
Wait. I know her.
You do not, you big, fat liar.
You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal.
She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century.
Single Female Lawyer.
Well, if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for 1,000 years...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) They are royally boned.
We will raiseyour planet's temperature
by 1 million degreesa day for five days
unless we see McNeal at 9:00 p.m. tomorrow, 8:00 central.
(ALL GASPING)
Oh! I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all.
They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see
some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer?
It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago?
Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about 1,000 light-years away,
so the electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there.
- You see... - Magic. Got it.
AMY: Check this out.
Back in 1999, the season finale of Single Female Lawyer
was interrupted by technical problems.
Apparently some zidiot spilled coke on a transmitter.
Beer. I would think.
They must just want to see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to them.
There aren't any copies left.
No, there wouldn't be.
Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443
during the second coming of Jesus.
You know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode.
If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
I could make the costumes.
I have an old five megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic.
And I... I could be an acting coach.
Let's put on a show!
Okay, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny, who...
Uh-uh. Forget it.
A, I'm camera shy, and B, I get tongue-tied
in front of an audience armed with death rays.
Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Give me the script.
(CHUCKLING)
Places, everyone.
Okay.
All set.
Lights.
Camera one.
Camera two.
Camera three.
Prepare the watercooler
that we may gather around it later and discuss things.
BENDER: (SINGING) Single Female Lawyer
Fighting for her client
Wearing sexy miniskirts And bein' self-reliant
Hey, I'm pretty good.
Jenny McNeal, you are charged with jury tampering
in last week's case
on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman.
How do you plead?
Your Honor, I move for a mistrial
on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair
with the foreman of this jury.
I'll see you during the recess.
If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously,
why does she not simply tear the judge's head off?
It is true what they say,
"Women are from Omicron Persei 7,
"men are from Omicron Persei 9."
Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Gracias.
Single female lawyer,
where were you on the night of August 23?
Sleeping with you.
Aha!
(SNIFFS)
(STUTTERING) Uh, get... Getting back to the matter...
Uh, if it please the court...
Fry, there's nothing else here.
You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
Well, it took an hour to write, I thought it would take an hour to read.
What are we supposed to do now?
I don't know. I don't know. Just say anything
as long as it's compelling and mesmerizing.
A tour de force.
Uh...
What say you, single female lawyer?
I say... I'm giving up the law,
and I'm giving up being single.
Your Honor, will you marry me?
(BOTH GASP)
(VOCALIZES)
Oh, no. Go to commercial.
BENDER: We'll be back after this word
from crazy Bender's discount stereo.
Married? Jenny can't get married.
Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
But that's not why people watch TV.
Clever things make people feel stupid,
and unexpected things make them feel scared.
Attention, McNeal, your unexpected marriage plan scares us.
You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer,
and so shall you remain... Or else.
You see? TV audiences don't want anything original.
They want to see the same thing they've seen 1,000 times before.
What you talkin' 'bout, Fry?
Trust me on this. While other people were out living their lives,
I wasted mine watching TV, because deep down
I knew it might one day help me save the world.
Plus, I would've lost my workmen's comp if I had gone outside.
Now just read these cue cards.
And action.
"Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline
"your offer of marriage,
"for you see, I'm dying.
"Cough, then fall over dead."
"My God, he's dead."
"I will now make my closing statement.
"With my fiancé deceased,
"I hereby return to my single female lawyer career,
"no matter what any man says."
"We find the defendant vulnerable yet spunky."
(ALL CHEER)
And cut.
(SINGING) Single female lawyer
Havin' lots of sex
Attention, McNeal.
We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen.
Overall, I would rate it a C plus.
Okay, not great.
As a result, we will not destroy your planet,
but neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality.
Way to overact, Zoidberg.
And now we must return to our planet to catch the end
of a 1,000-year-old Leno monologue.
(ALL CHEERING)
- You did it, Fry. - Yep.
It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows.
At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)