FRY: Hmm.
Horsie to pointy guy six.
(NEIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLES) Check.
BENDER: Hmm.
Get 'im, boys.
(YELLING)
(PUNCHES LANDING)
Good move.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Good news, everyone.
We have a mission
to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace.
Nope. Watching cartoons.
Sorry.
What's the mission?
It's a delivery for the Democratic Order of Planets.
"DOOP"? What's that?
It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry.
Uh...
Or like the Federation from your Star Trek program.
Oh!
Tonight is the ribbon cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters.
What are we delivering?
Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed,
the ceremonial oversized scissors.
We'll get them there as quickly as we can.
All right, but don't run with them.
Wow!
There's a million aliens.
I've never seen anything so mind-blowing.
Ooh! A reception table with muffins!
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the ribbon-cutting ceremony
of the DOOP's magnificent new headquarters,
a fitting home for an organization
that has fostered peace throughout the universe.
Even between the Insectoids and the Space Lizards.
(APPLAUSE)
So, what's it like on Planet Amazonia?
Big rats there.
Me crush with club.
That's so interesting.
Maybe we could get to know each other over a coffee.
I can think of no better place for this center of diplomacy
than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet.
What are your thoughts
on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?
I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
(APPLAUSE)
I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif.
With enemies, you know where they stand.
But with Neutrals, who knows?
It sickens me.
(KIF GROANS)
Halt!
Why, Leela,
I do believe we've met.
He means you guys did it.
If you don't mind, we're here to deliver the scissors for the ribbon cutting.
- Then you're under arrest. - What for?
How do I know these scissors aren't part of some Neutral plot?
But they're not even sharp.
Who could I possibly hurt with them?
The Yarn People of Nylar IV.
(GIBBERING)
So, a plan to assassinate a weird-looking alien with scissors.
How very neutral of you.
What?
It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing.
Rock crushes scissors.
But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper.
- Kif, we have a conundrum. - (KIF GROANS)
Search them for paper. And bring me a rock.
Why?
ZAPP: So beautiful.
Yet so neutral.
Drag them to the ship.
And now, to cut the ribbon,
the legendary DOOP captain who just returned
from a triumphant carpet bombing of Eden 7,
Zapp Brannigan.
What makes a man turn neutral?
Lust for gold? Power?
Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Sir...
You're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
No matter. I'll simply cut it from here
with the ship's laser.
Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Kif, if there's one thing I don't need,
it's your "I don't think that's wise" attitude.
(APPLAUSE)
(RUMBLING)
(SCREAMING)
Whoopsie-daisy.
(GAVEL POUNDS)
Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused
of blowing up DOOP headquarters.
How do you plead?
Absolutely 99% not guilty.
Then the prosecutor will call his first witness.
Your Honor,
I'm just a simple hyper-chicken
from a backwoods asteroid,
but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury.
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL MURMURING)
I'm going to allow this.
Members of the jury,
did y'all happen to catch a gander
at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters?
That's the guy right there.
- Right over there. - Yes, indeed.
And are y'all going to vote to convict him?
- Absolutely. - You better believe it.
The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony.
Your Honor, the prosecution rests.
(CLUCKS)
The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong.
However, in light of his years of service
and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor,
I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges.
Dismiss all charges?
Your Honor, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict
but I want to testify.
I'm going to allow this.
Now, Ms. Leela, on the date in question
were you or were you not wearing a hoopskirt?
That's a stupid question.
What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen,
and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP Headquarters with my own eye.
(ALL MURMURING)
I'd like to cross-examine the witness.
I'm going to allow this.
- We've met before, have we not? - Yes.
And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone?
May I remind you, you are still under oath.
(SIGHS) Yes.
Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with.
Whoo!
- And his name is? - Zapp Brannigan.
The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP Headquarters.
I rest my case.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations.
Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.
We find the defendant guilty.
Whoo!
Zapp Brannigan,
you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain
and dismissed from the DOOP.
(GAVEL BANGS)
I'd like to make one final statement.
Kif, come here and hold up the flag.
And wave it a little, for God's sakes.
My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform,
but you can never take away his integrity or his honor.
- Plus, it was mostly Kif's fault. - KIF: What?
Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank
and dishonorably discharged.
(GAVEL BANGS)
(STUTTERS)
(SIGHS WEARILY)
One day a man has everything,
and the next day he blows up a $400-billion space station,
and the next day he has nothing.
It makes you think.
No, it doesn't.
Come, Kif. It's time to begin our life as civilians.
That's an order, soldier.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Everybody's talkin' at me
I don't hear a word they're saying
Only the echoes of my mind
People stop and stare
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows
Of their eyes
I'm going where the sun keeps shining...
Through the pouring rain
Hey, Bender?
Yeah?
(BENDER LAUGHING)
All right.
This is the third hose fight I've broken up today,
and the second one using actual hoses.
Now move your lazy asses
and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to.
You don't have to get so mad, Leela.
Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger.
(LAUGHS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Zapp?
Leela, I didn't know where else to turn.
You're the only woman who ever loved me.
I never loved you.
- I mean physically. - What do you want?
Just let me work for a little food.
Perhaps I could paint a fence,
or service you sexually, or mop the floors.
You don't know how to do any of those things.
Kif might.
Leela, who are you talking to?
Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock bottom
and his commanding officer.
Why, you're that disgraced starship captain.
Having him on staff would distract people from our horrendous safety record.
Come in.
I'd like everyone to meet our new employees.
Which ones are new?
The green dude and the fat man.
I could swear I've never seen that robot before, either.
I'm Bender.
You know, the lovable rascal.
Oh, yes, yes, my good friend, of course.
Anyway,
whoever you all are, I have good news.
You'll be making a delivery to Stumbos IV,
a planet with such high gravity, you'll most likely be crushed
under the weight of your own hair.
Enjoy!
So, this Leela,
I know she's a very sensuous woman,
but what manner of captain is she?
- She's really strict. - And mean.
I see.
Does she, by any chance, give the crew members spankings?
No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
Good, good.
But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy,
let me go in your place.
I won't have my comrades harmed.
Hey, this guy's all right.
Here's to us poor schmoes,
working for the man.
Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.
I've computed our landing coordinates, Captain.
Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
Wait. What?
I said, "Very nice work."
This is the happiest day of my life.
Okay, crew, listen up.
Your job is to deliver these 40 pillows to that hotel.
They're not very heavy,
but you don't hear me not complaining.
They're not heavy in here because we have an anti-grav pump.
But once you get out on the surface the gravity will be very intense.
Hey, no prob.
This lead apron will protect me.
I don't want any screwups.
Use the hover dolly
and just deliver one pillow at a time.
Hey, here's an idea.
Let's deliver all the pillows at once.
- Yeah. - That's using the old noodle.
(ALL GROANING)
Come on, girdle.
Hold.
(GROANS)
(METAL CREAKING)
Uh-oh.
What the hell happened?
Some breaking occurred.
The dolly was involved. That's about all we know.
I told you dumb apes not to overload it.
Each of those pillows weighs 150 pounds here.
All right, don't get your panties in a knot.
We'll just use the backup dolly.
I'll start loading up the pillows.
LEELA: No way, jack.
You disobeyed an order.
So now you have to deliver all 40 pillows by hand.
Let me ask you a serious question, Leela.
Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well?
I ask because a friend of mine...
Just get to work.
(GROANING, STRAINING)
"I'm Leela. Get to work."
I agree.
The point is it's just so humiliating working for that man.
Once, he actually ordered me to shave his armpits
while he was in the bathtub.
So I said to him...
You know, why don't we talk about something besides Zapp for a while?
Oh, all right.
Um...
Well, how about them... Okay.
Well, there he was in the tub, all right?
(LEELA GROANS)
(ALL GROANING, STRAINING)
(THUNDER CRACKLES)
Some good, old high-gravity rain.
That'll cool us off.
(ALL EXCLAIM IN PAIN)
This is all Leela's fault.
Yeah. If she had let us use the backup dolly,
we could have broken it, given up, and gone home by now.
You know, boys, a good captain needs many skills
such as boldness, daring and a velour uniform.
And I'm not convinced Leela has any of those things.
Ah. Leela's not that bad.
I just wish she didn't make us work so much.
Back when I was captain
all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty.
If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day
drinking beer in their underpants.
Beer?
Underpants?
BOTH: Hmm.
But now, Zapp's not captain anymore.
I'm free. (CHUCKLES)
You hear that? I'm actually laughing.
This is a mutiny.
You're out of here, lady.
Zapp's the new captain.
(LEELA GASPS)
All hail the new captain.
Leela, you may be a formidable doer of the nasty,
but I am forced to relieve you of your post.
On what grounds, you slobbering oaf?
Failure to prevent a mutiny.
Throw her in the brig.
We don't have a brig.
Then throw her in the laundry room,
which will hereafter be referred to as the brig.
You really don't want me to be captain anymore?
You got it, genius.
But didn't I do a good job?
You were mean, and you yelled,
and you made us do all that work.
Sometimes, a captain needs to do those things.
Besides, I thought we were friends.
Yeah, well,
you shouldn't have been such a mean captain, then.
Don't worry, Leela.
Soon, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.
(LAUGHS)
Back in my old uniform.
And it nearly still fits
Even after all that fattening hobo cuisine.
What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir?
Take them to the laundry brig.
So, do I have your loyalty, men?
To the ends of the universe.
Ten-hundred percent.
That's not nearly loyal enough.
I order you to sit around and drink beer until you're as loyal as Kif here.
Yes, sir, sir.
May I have a beer, sir?
No, you're loyal enough already.
Meanwhile, I have a plan.
We will single-handedly attack our archenemy, the Neutral Planet.
Oh, geez.
Once the Neutral War Machine lies in ruins,
I'll be a hero again
and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain.
But, sir, that plan makes no sense.
Maybe not to you, Kif.
But if I recall correctly,
you were court-martialed in disgrace.
Ooh! Burn.
Nailed you, buddy.
Prepare to continue the epic struggle between good and neutral.
This is awesome.
We're going to be like... Pow, pow, pow!
And they're going to be like... (SCREAMS)
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
And then, we'll have pancakes to celebrate, and I'll be like...
Precisely.
Now, in the name of all that is good and honorable,
we'll call the Neutral president with a message of peace,
then blast him.
Yes, sir, sirdy, sir, sir, sir.
Fly the white flag of war.
This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship... Planet Express ship.
I come swinging the olive branch of peace.
Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?
All I know is, my gut says, "Maybe."
BENDER: What now, chief?
Now, we crash the ship into their headquarters,
killing them in a hellish firestorm from which no living thing can escape.
Good, good. Then what?
Then your mission is complete.
I, meanwhile, will have ejected to safety wearing the only space suit on board.
(BOTH WHOOPING)
Wait a second. Is this plan going to kill us?
Of course.
What do you think I meant by loyalty?
Now, help me into the only space suit.
It looks a bit sweaty in there
so you may need to apply baby powder.
Leela, we want you to be captain again.
Let me guess,
he canceled nap time?
He ran out of beer?
So he's about to kill us.
We want Leela to be captain again.
So, it's mutiny, is it?
I never thought I'd see the day.
Come, Kif, let's eject.
I found a children's space suit you can wear.
Well, to be honest, sir,
I'd rather stay here with Captain Leela.
She actually listens to what I have to...
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
(KIF SIGHS DEJECTEDLY)
(STRAINS)
Oh, no. He's disabled the steering.
We're gonna crash!
Leela, save me.
And yourself, I guess.
And my banjo.
And Fry.
Okay, okay.
We have one chance.
Are you willing to do what I say as captain?
- Absolutely. - Even if I make you work hard?
As your God is my witness.
Then go get the hover dolly you didn't break
and load all the Dark Matter into the left engine.
Oh, man, that crap's heavy.
- And warm. - Just do it!
Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.
If I don't survive,
tell my wife, "Hello."
Hurry!
I don't want to die at the age of 25!
Honey, unless we hit a time warp, I wouldn't worry about it.
(BOTH STRAINING)
- It's too low! - Quick!
You did it. You actually did it!
(BOTH CHEER)
And no one will have to punish anyone for the mutiny.
And so, when Captain Leela panicked,
perhaps distracted by female troubles,
my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day.
Captain Leela, is this rambling story of magic and heroism true?
- Well, actually... - That-a-girl.
If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain.
Your Honor, it's all true.
My female incompetence, Zapp's catlike reflexes,
the stuff that made no sense, all of it.
(ALL EXCLAIM, MUTTER)
In that case, Zapp Brannigan,
I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, foo.
Come, Kif. We've got work to do.
(SADLY) Oh.
I'll call and tell you about it.
(WEARILY) Oh.
Leela, I just want you to know that even though you're mean,
you're the best captain ever.
Yeah, you're one dynamite lady.
- Can we have the week off? - No.
Please?
Come on, Captain.
Oh, all right.
No time off.
Oh, man.
Let's mutiny.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)