(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location.
The kind of place where there might be a monster
or some kind of weird mirror.
These are just examples.
It could also be something much better.
Prepare to enter...
(READING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.
Finally... Solitude.
I can read books for all eternity.
It's not fair.
It's not fair!
Wait. My eyes aren't that bad.
I can still read the large-print books.
(SCREAMS)
It's not f...
Well, lucky I know how to read braille.
(SCREAMING)
Hey, look at that weird mirror.
- (SHUDDERS) - Cursed by his own hubris.
There's a political debate on. Quick, change the channel.
Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned onthe debate.
ANNOUNCER: C-SPAN9 presents The Thrill of Politics.
(BOTH SNORING)
(LEELA GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
Wha...
Look, I know there are no car chases,
but this is important.
One of these two men will become president of the world.
What do we care? We live in the United States.
The United States is part of the world.
Wow, I have been gone a long time.
It's time someone had the courage
to stand up and say
I'm against those things that everybody hates!
Now, I respect my opponent.
I think he's a good man.
But, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!
These are the candidates? They sound like clones.
Wait a minute. They are clones!
Don't let their identical DNA fool you.
They differ on some key issues.
I say your 3 cent titanium tax goes too far.
And I say your 3 cent titanium tax
doesn't go too far enough.
If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message
by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown!
You're not registered?
Nope. Not vaccinated, either.
Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.
That's not true.
The first robot president won by exactly one vote.
Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine.
He struck a chord with the voters
when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
But, like most politicians,
he promised more than he could deliver.
The point is, one vote can make a difference.
And even though it won't,
I'm still taking you to get registered.
Yes, that's a capital idea.
Let's all go register.
Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
The very instant I became old.
The problem with both parties
is that they always want to give your tax dollars
to the less fortunate.
The less fortunate get all the breaks.
You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Really? I better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
What party do you belong to, Bender?
I'm not allowed to vote.
'Cause you're a robot?
No. Convicted felon.
(GENERAL CHATTER)
We favor unreasonably huge subsidies
to the Brain Slug planet.
Okay, but what are the brain slugs who control you
going to do for the working man?
Attach brain slugs to them.
Sure, you say that now.
So is it true you can make
all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp?
Dave's not here, man.
I also heard hemp makes great shampoo.
It does? No way!
I got to check out this brochure.
So, what are you doing to protect
my constitutional right to bear doomsday devices?
Well, first off, we're going to get rid
of that 3-day waiting period for mad scientists.
Damn straight!
Today, the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device.
Tomorrow, it's the mad grad student!
Where will it end?
Amen, brother!
I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax...
for duck huntin'.
Sure, humans are cute
but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics?
I concur.
Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up.
Sorry, not with that attitude.
Okay, then screw it.
Welcome aboard, brother!
- All right! - You're out.
That was pretty cool.
I think I'm actually starting to get interested in politics.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH SNORING)
And so, with two weeks left in the campaign,
the question on everyone's mind
is who will be the next president of earth.
Jack Johnson, or bitter rival John Jackson?
Two terrific candidates, huh, Morbo?
All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.
(LAUGHS)
In other local news,
disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan today
when a titanium mine collapsed
trapping 1,000 robot workers.
What? Lord have mercy!
Unless something is done quickly,
the trapped robots will be dead within 300 years.
Sir, what rescue operations are planned?
The plan is, basically, to pave over the area
and get on with our lives.
News of the mine's closing
sent titanium prices skyrocketing.
All right! I'm rich!
What are you talking about?
My body's 40% titanium.
I'm finally richer than those snooty ATM machines.
Too bad you can't spend it.
- Oh, can't I? - No.
Watch me, poor man.
Pleasure doin' business with you.
(BENDER LAUGHING)
Game's over, losers!
I have all the money.
Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.
(DOG SNIFFING)
Hey, get away! Shoo!
I'll give you $5 to not do what you're thinking about doing.
(MAN LAUGHS)
MAN: You just lost $5.
Hey, buddy! Little help?
Thank you!
(ALL GASP)
Hello, peasants.
Bender! What happened to you?
You look different. Did you get a haircut?
No! I sold my body.
Sold your body?
Oh, Bender, I've been down that road.
I know it's glamorous and the parties are great,
but you'll end up spending every dollar you make
on jewelry and skintight pants.
This is crazy, Bender.
How are you going to live without a body?
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Bodies are for hookers and fat people.
All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.
Well, at least now you can pay off your loan shark.
Yeah, right, what's he going to do, break my legs? (LAUGHS)
Ah! This is the life!
Another martini, please!
Shaken, not stirred.
Oh, yeah!
Put it all on black.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(EXCLAIMING)
Twenty-one red.
I beg your pardon. 33 black.
Yes!
The rich get richer.
Strike! In your face, Leela!
(LAUGHS)
(BALL RUMBLING)
(AMY SCREAMS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(FARNSWORTH MUTTERING)
Timber!
Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car?
Maybe if you clean up first.
It looks like your neck stepped in something.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's just your body.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, you look me in the shins and say that.
Hey, I've had it up to here with this place.
I'm off to the head museum
to hang out with classy heads like me
who appreciate the finer things.
Poetry, philosophy, hats.
So long, coffin-stuffers!
(ENGINE REVVING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING) - (BENDER EXCLAIMING)
Uh... Could one of you coffin-stuffers please carry me?
Now, which group of heads
is good enough for me to hang out with?
What do you think, Fry?
Fry?
FRY: Hmm.
Hi.
I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
I recognize you.
Didn't you use to have a body of some sort?
Yeah, but it was holding me back.
You know, I just did the cover
of the Sports Illustrated swim cap issue.
Rawrr!
Well, you're looking great.
Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, though.
Couldn't hurt.
BENDER: Ah!
US presidents!
Sturdy shelves, good security...
This place has class.
Hey, sugar cookie!
You know, legally,
nothing I can do counts as sex anymore.
I apologize for his rudeness, ma'am.
He gets this way around meaty-looking women.
Hey, I remember you.
I was going to vote for you one time.
But voting isn't cool
so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine.
Frankly, I've never felt voting
to be all that essential to the process.
No kidding, Ford.
So then the hooker-bot says,
"That's not my expansion slot."
And my friend says,
"That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector."
(LAUGHING)
Oh, Bender.
Thou robots really cracketh me up.
You know, I like it here.
What's the rent on one of these jars?
Sorry, Bender, but we can't allow
every Tom, Dick and Harry to move in.
No offense Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot
in the closet of presidential losers.
Bob Dole needs company.
Larouche won't stop with the knock-knock jokes.
Pass.
So telleth, Bender,
what hath happened to your body?
I hocked it.
Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
Same reason you hocked your teeth.
Ah. Booze money.
I remember my body.
Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis.
A good Republican body.
God, I loved it.
I hear that.
I spent most of my teen years loving my body.
Course, it was tough love...
Fry, he opened up relations with China.
He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.
So, Nixon, even if you miss your body,
being a head's great, too, right?
No, son.
It's a sad and lonely life.
Great. Now you tell me.
That's my style.
I like to kick 'em when they're down.
One, zero...
One, one, zero, zero, one...
Bender, what is it?
What an awful dream.
Ones and zeros everywhere.
(SHUDDERS)
And I thought I saw a two.
It was just a dream, Bender.
There's no such thing as two.
I know what this is about.
My body loved me and I turned its back on it.
Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon 'round your neck
'cause I'm a-comin' home.
You sold my body? To who?
I can't reveal that information
but you look like a nice robot.
Tell you what. I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid.
Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks.
Deal.
(SOBBING) Oh!
How could I let this happen?
I can't go through the rest of my life like this.
Don't you have a self-destruct button?
Yeah... But it's on my body.
What am I going to do?
(SOBBING)
I can't stand to see a robot cry.
Let's watch TV.
And so, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm throwing my head into the ring.
I'm announcing my candidacy for the presidency of earth.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle.
Sir, the constitution clearly states
that nobody can be elected president more than twice.
That's right... No body.
But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
(SCATTING)
(BENDER AND LEELA GASP)
Bender, he's got your body!
That dirty, double-crossing bastard!
How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.
Nixon must have bought your body from the pawnshop.
Yeah, and that electric guitar.
(SINGING) Remember what the dormouse said
feed your head...
I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
I am not a crook's head.
Yeah, you are. You stole my body!
Fry, Leela, you got to help me.
Ordinarily, I'd say no and lecture you
on how this is your own fault for being such an idiot.
But when a robotic Nixon is on the loose,
we have a duty to take action.
Idiot.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates.
Puny human number one,
puny human number two,
and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
Hello, Morbo. How's the family?
Belligerent and numerous.
Good man.
Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.
Come on. We've got to find some way to talk to him.
Morbo demands an answer to the following question:
"If you saw delicious candy in the hands of a small child
"would you seize and consume it?"
Unthinkable!
I wouldn't think of it!
What about you, Mr. Nixon?
I remind you, you are under a truth-o-scope.
Well...
The question is vague.
You don't say what kind of candy,
whether anyone is watching...
(CLEARS THROAT)
At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
You scored big points tonight, sir.
What are you talking about? They ate me alive out there.
Yes, but your body stayed on message
and that message is, "Look at my shiny new body."
The robots ate it up.
You've got real charisma from the neck down.
Nixon with charisma.
My God!
I can rule the universe!
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
Give me my body back, you two-bit thief!
Now, look here, you drugged-out communist,
I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it
than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers.
- (BARKS) - Shut up, damn it!
Please, Mr. Nixon.
We're appealing to your sense of decency.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Very good!
Seriously, though, I'm never giving back this body.
Now, beat it, before I get Cambodian on your asses!
BENDER: It's hopeless.
We might as well turn in my head for the 5 cent deposit.
No way.
I'm not letting my best friend get recycled.
Not for 5 cents, not for 500 cents.
Leela, I've got a plan.
I've got a better plan.
(WHISPERS) Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?
They give you a discount if you've been here before.
(STRAINING)
FRY: Keep going. We're right behind you.
Whoa, mama. Get a room, you two.
MAN: We're in a room!
Well, then, lose some weight.
(NIXON SNORING)
Oh, yeah, you women's libbers really know how to party.
There I am.
(CREAKING)
Hey, Betty Friedan,
send a little of that lotion my way.
Okay, almost got it.
Steady...
Don't panic.
Ooh.
- (BEEPING) - Uh-oh.
(GRUNTING IN PAIN)
(GASPS) What the...
You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve.
I'm just here for what's mine.
Don't make me kick your neck.
Bring it on, soup can.
(GROWLING)
All right, break it up, you two.
That's it!
You're all going to jail
and don't expect me to grant a pardon
like that sissy Ford.
You'll never pardon anybody
because you'll never get elected president.
The voters of earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time.
Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy.
Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973,
but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever.
The only one who's changed is me.
I've become bitter and, let's face it,
crazy over the years.
And once I'm swept into office,
I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat
and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
Well, he lost my vote.
Like one vote ever made a difference.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to inch myself over to the phone
and call the police.
Not so fast, Nixon!
Are you familiar with audio tape?
(TAPE REWINDING)
Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading.
NIXON: (OVER TAPE) And I'll go into people's houses at night
and wreck up the place.
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
My God, I really sound like that?
I thought my voice had more of a Clark Gable quality.
The jig's up, Nixon.
We'll trade you the tape for the body.
Oh, expletive deleted.
You've got a deal.
- Hey, I've got one last thought. - (BEEPING)
(GRUNTING IN PAIN)
Ah! It's good to be back in one piece again...
Except I can't get these damn bumper stickers off.
The sheer drama of this election
has driven voter turnout
to its highest level in centuries. 6%.
Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing
with an estimated zero votes.
Yes! The system works.
The time is 7:59
and the robot polls are now opening...
And the robot vote is in.
Nixon has won!
- Get out of town! - No!
Why would robots vote for Nixon
now that he's just a head in a jar?
I give you the next president of earth!
Nixon's back!
(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I can't believe it. He won by a single vote.
Well, it ain't my fault.
I'm a non-voting felon, thank you.
Well, it's not my fault, either, 'cause I forgot to vote.
Oh, Crud, I knew there was something I meant to do today.
Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president.
May death come quickly to his enemies.
(LAUGHS)
- (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) - (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
Who's kicking who around now?
(GROWLS)
Knock, knock.
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)