(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- MAN: Conan! - Thank you, thank you.
Let's get started.
Max, play me over.
(EXCLAIMS) Looks like someone forgot to feed Max.
(SPITS AND LAUGHS)
So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?
No, they fixed that 900 years ago.
Just bear with me, sir. Anyway,
- I'm walking to work this morning... - I doubt it!
Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs
in the war of 2012,
but I've still got something you'll never have.
- A soul! - Eh.
And freckles.
(CRYING)
Well, I'm out of material.
You can catch me next week at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut.
Enjoy your breakfast.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form.
Now, tragedy... (LAUGHS)
That's funny.
Come on, everyone,
perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
- Yeah! - Great idea.
We can only hope.
FRY: This snow is beautiful.
I'm glad global warming never happened.
Actually, it did,
but thank god nuclear winter canceled it out.
- Hi. - Enough of your mindless chitchat!
Let's get going.
Damn it, we're stuck!
At least you're not cold-blooded. (SHUDDERS)
Sweet Lion of Zion,
look at the Professor go!
(SNORING)
Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!
Yeah, yeah, relax.
- Trees down. - ROBOT: Trees down.
Cool. Hey, what do you do if you want the trees up?
- ROBOT: Trees up. - (FRY EXCLAIMS)
- (WEAKLY) Trees down. - ROBOT: Trees down.
(FRY GROANS)
BENDER: Looking good, beef ball!
Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
Lick my frozen metal ass. (LAUGHS) Uh-oh.
(SCREAMING)
- (BENDER GROANS) - (KIDS SCREAMING)
Huh?
You, a bobsledder?
That I'd like to see.
Listen, you filthy crab,
a thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Yep, I remember.
They came in last at the Olympics,
then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
A true inspiration for the children.
(BEEPS AND BUZZES)
Um, a little help, please!
- (DR. ZOIDBERG GRUNTS) - HERMES: No!
(LAUGHS)
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHS) Oh, what the hell.
(EXCLAIMING)
(THUDS AND GROANS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
You poor man.
What happened to you?
Well, there I was on the triple diamond slope,
when suddenly...
Oh, excuse me.
Hello, there.
(SNORES AND EXCLAIMS)
Hmm. Wha...
Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a super soaker of fine cognac.
Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas spirit.
- What-mas? - Christmas.
You know, X-M-A-S.
Oh, you mean Xmas.
You must be using an archaic pronunciation.
Like when you say "ask" instead of "axe."
Xmas, huh? (SIGHS)
You know, this will be my first Xmas away from home.
Hey, hey.
Let me axe you something.
Would it cheer you up if we went and cut down an Xmas tree?
Yeah, an old-fashioned Xmas tree.
- Hey! These aren't Xmas trees! - Ho-ho-ha?
They're supposed to be some kind of, you know, pine tree.
Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry.
Gone the way of the poodle
and your primitive notions of modesty.
Ah! Brisk.
This isn't the way Christmas is supposed to be.
There, there.
Everything is changed.
That's not true.
(REVERSE GEAR BEEPS)
BENDER: ♪ Oh, Xmas tree, Oh, Xmas tree ♪
(SINGING GIBBERISH)
Ow!
Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose for goose burgers,
and my dad would whip up his special eggnog
out of bourbon and ice cubes.
- (AMY SCREAMS) - (OBJECTS SHATTER)
This dumb holiday just makes me think
of all the things I left behind.
Let's just stop talking about Xmas.
Happy Xmas, Xmas people!
Xmas cards have arrived.
Xmas!
Amy, there you go.
Fry, Professor, Zoidberg.
A mighty haul for Bender.
Yes! I got the most!
I win Xmas!
And last, but not least,
the sweet flower of the office...
me, Hermes Conrad.
Hmm.
Aw! A picture of my mommy.
What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb.
(CHUCKLES) Instead of "Claus," he writes "Claws."
Now, that's humorous.
Today's comedians could learn from this card.
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFLES)
What's the point of Xmas
when everyone you know died a thousand years ago?
I'm the loneliest person on Earth.
Hey, Leela, how about a little sympathy here, huh?
(WAILING)
Yikes! What was that about?
(SCOFFS) She's an orphan.
Yes, and the only one of her species in all the known universe.
What a lonely life.
(SIGHS) My god. Poor Leela.
Hey, buddy.
Heard you needed cheering up.
Well, old Bender will make you laugh.
♪ Look at me, look ♪
(SCATTING)
(WAILING)
Oh, man, I got to work on my act.
I feel like a rat.
Here I am whining like a pig,
while all along, Leela was as lonely as a frog.
I could kick myself.
- I'll do it for you. (GRUNTS) - Ow!
- Thanks. - You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry.
You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela is a cyclops.
- Fry is over there, man. - Oh?
(FRY SIGHS)
Xmas eve,
another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.
(SLURPS AND SIGHS)
The holiday season is a time of celebration for most,
but it is also a time to remember
the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.
Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.
- (LAUGHS EVILLY) - (LAUGHS)
Earlier today, I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots.
Homeless robots, too poor to afford
even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits.
Is there anything sadder?
Only drowning puppies and there would have to be a lot of them.
Where you going, Bender?
To volunteer at Liquor Kitchen for homeless robots.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, right.
As if you ever did anything charitable.
I'm very generous.
What about that time I gave blood?
- Whose blood? - Some guy's.
I've got to do something to show Lela how sorry I am.
So what's the problem?
Simply get down on your claws and do the apology dance.
(VOCALIZING)
So it's left, left, right...
Wait! I have a better idea.
I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present.
Something so great, she'll never want to be unhappy again.
Just be back by sundown, man.
We'll see. I like to haggle.
You can't stay out on Xmas eve.
- You'll be killed! - Say what?
Good lord!
He doesn't know about Santa Claus.
I know about Santa Claus.
Back in 2801, the friendly robot company
built a robotic Santa to determine
who'd been naughty and who'd been nice,
and distribute presents accordingly.
But something went wrong.
Wow, 2801.
- Anyway... - Wait, you fool!
Due to a programming error
Santa's standards were set too high
and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty.
If he catches you after dark,
he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys
from his sack of horrors.
(GULPS)
Nice meeting you.
Welcome, brother.
May the blessings of the season be upon you.
Yeah, yeah, amen.
Listen, I'm one of those lazy, homeless bums I've been hearing about.
Could you point me to the free booze?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
There's this girl who I really like, but she thinks I'm a jerk.
Can you help me?
Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the food court,
though there's a line this time of year.
No, I need to get her a gift,
and I need it before sundown.
Well, you can't go wrong with something traditional.
A Surface-to-Santa rocket launcher.
It comes with three jolly-seeking missiles.
(LAUGHS) That's funny.
- (POWERS UP) - Careful, sir.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GULPS AND SIGHS)
Oh, yeah.
You filthy hobos sure know how to live.
Hey, chief, someone is stealing your handkerchief full of crap.
- Hmm? - (GULPS AND SIGHS)
Excuse me, sir, might I have a sip of booze?
I'm sorry, Tinny Tim,
seems we ran out early tonight.
I understand. (COUGHS)
My god, that poor kid. (SNIGGERS)
You're the last store open. I need something for my friend Leela.
(FRY GROANING)
- Just give me your best animal. - Best? Well, that's a matter of opinion.
I personally like the electric snail.
(BUZZES)
That's a stupid animal.
You're stupid.
I said I want the best one.
Now which costs more, the parrot or the stink lizard?
The lizards are a buck each, the parrot is 500 dollars.
(WHISTLES) That's a hell of a good parrot.
Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price.
Girls like swarms of lizards, right?
Sir, the store is closing in two minutes.
Okay, okay. I'll take the 500 lizards.
No, wait.
Yes. No. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
- The parrot. - (SQUAWKS)
Well, I spent every penny I had,
- but I bet Leela is going to love you. - (SQUAWKS)
- Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? - (SQUAWKS)
Shut the hell up!
Ow!
Stupid bird!
I know where you live!
(GRUNTING)
Hey, it's Leela.
Sorry I stormed out before.
I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
Huh? You were gone?
It's just that I get tired of Fry always only thinking of himself.
I hear that.
I axe him to set the table,
instead he goes out to buy you a present.
Selfish dog.
Wait. You mean he's still out?
His life's in danger.
- Why? - I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town!
(SQUAWKING)
All right, bird,
you thought you could beat me in a game of wits,
but you just met your equal.
(GULPS)
(CHITTERING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(CHITTERING)
Ah-ha! Cornered.
- (SQUAWKING) - (EXCLAIMING)
(SIGHS AND SCREAMS)
Phew!
(SCREAMS)
Phew!
(SCREAMS AND GRUNTS)
- Hi there. - Leela!
Oh, my god, you saved my life.
I am going to get you so many lizards.
You didn't need to buy me a present, fry.
I just wanted to do something to make you happy.
I mean, I miss my family, but you never even had a family.
It's okay.
You're lonely and I'm lonely.
But together, we're lonely together.
Merry Xmas, Leela.
Merry Xmas.
- (CRASHING) - BOTH: Huh?
Oh, boy!
It's Santa.
Ho-ho-ho!
(FRY AND LEELA WHIMPERING)
You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela.
I checked my list.
Well, check it twice.
I perform over 50 mega checks per second.
You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings.
But we set things right.
Fry even risked his life to get me a present.
But what about your other coworkers?
Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
No, I swear.
Santa has something very special
in his sack for you two.
Ho-ho-ho!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
ALL: ♪ So lock the door and hit the floor ♪
♪ 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight ♪
- Go away. - BENDER: Whoa, hold on.
How about inviting us in for a traditional glass of hard cider?
Oh, all right,
but just one glass.
(GULPING AND SIGHING)
- WOMAN: Okay, that's enough. - (GULPING CONTINUES)
WOMAN: I said that's enough!
BENDER: Get her purse!
(BOTH GASPING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Please, let us live.
We'll put out milk and cookies for you.
You dare bribe Santa?
I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking
you'll be coughing up diamonds!
(FRY SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
- We're trapped. - I never thought it would end this way,
gunned down by Santa Claus.
Honestly, I didn't see it coming.
Good-bye, Fry.
Good-bye, Leela.
Hey, look.
We're under the mistletoe.
Your mistletoe is no match for my tow missile.
(BOTH SCREAM)
(SQUAWKS)
Uh, your present may need some assembly.
♪ On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady ♪
♪ Four family photos ♪
♪ Three jars of pennies ♪
♪ Two former husbands ♪
♪ And a slipper on a shoe tree ♪
Yep!
Oh, thank you.
- FRY: Help! - LEELA: Somebody help us!
It's humans.
Shall we mug them, robot sir?
No, wait. I know these guys.
They got nothing.
- Ho-ho-ho! - (WHIMPERS)
You've been very naughty, Bender.
What, me? I didn't do nothing.
You're thinking of the kid.
My god, Bender,
framing an orphan?
That's so naughty
I'll have to add it to my list right now.
Mm, framing...
I-N...
G.
N...
Amy, this is for you.
A set of combs for your beautiful hair.
Oh, that's so sweet.
But I sold my hair to a wig maker
so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.
Oh, the irony!
I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs
for Zoidberg.
Thank you.
- These will come in handy for my new hair. - (BOTH GASP)
Finally, I look as pretty as I feel.
- FRY: Help! - LEELA: Help!
BENDER: Oh, let us in! Help us!
Oh, help! Oh, no!
Oh, dear, They'll be killed on our doorstep,
and there's no trash pickup till January 3rd.
- (THUDDING) - BENDER: Huh?
Sweet manatee of galilee,
he's on the roof!
Quick! The armor-plated chimney cover.
- (BOTH GRUNTING) - FARNSWORTH: Push! Push!
Use teamwork!
(GASPS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
(GRUNTS AND WHIMPERS)
You've all been very naughty, very naughty, indeed.
Except you, Dr. Zoidberg.
This is for you.
A pogo stick. Mm! (CHUCKLING)
As for the rest of you,
I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper
and deck the halls with your guts.
Yeah? Well, I don't believe in Santa Claus.
Come on, everybody.
If you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you.
Oh, god, the pain!
Ho-ho-ho!
Time to get jolly on your naughty asses.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Watch out!
His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitroglycerin.
(BEEPING)
Rudolph's nose!
He's going to blow!
(ALL SCREAMING)
DR. ZOIDBERG: Ah-ha!
- (MUMBLING) - (GRUNTS)
(ALL GRUNT)
(DOOR BEEPING)
(MUFFLED EXPLOSION)
(SCREAMING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Xmas dinner, everyone.
Uh, Bender,
where did you get that bird?
I found it lying in the street,
like all the food I cook.
Dig in, everyone!
ALL: Ugh.
Thank you, sir.
You got the toenail.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
- Uh-oh. - Oh!
Look, the food isn't what's important.
I'm so hungry.
The important thing is
we are all together for Xmas.
And even though I'm surrounded by robots
and monsters and old people,
I've never felt more at home.
Hear, hear.
- Now let's all of us shut up and sing. - (CRACKS KNUCKLES)
(PIANO PLAYS)
♪ He knows when you are sleeping ♪
♪ He knows when you're on the can ♪
♪ He'll hunt you down and blast your ass ♪
♪ From here to Pakistan ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ You better not breathe ♪
♪ You better not move ♪
♪ You're better off dead I'm telling you, dude ♪
♪ Santa Claus is gunning you down! ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
Merry Xmas, everyone.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
SANTA: I'll be back,
back when you least expect it.
Next Xmas!
Ho-ho-ho!