(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(JINGLE PLAYING)
Call robo-rooter when you flush a towel
And we can also help With an impacted bowel
Robo-rooter
Mm. Mm.
Now this is what I call 1,000 years of progress.
A Bavarian cream dog that's also self-microwaving.
- (BEEPS) - (SLURPS, BURPS)
Oh, geez, let's just pray I have the energy
- to get myself another beer. - (BOTTLE CLATTERING)
- (BEEPS) - (WHIRRING)
Oh, what is this? The middle ages?
(STRAINING)
(GULPING)
Look at you guys... No offense, Fry,
but you've become a fat sack of crap.
Sack!
And, Bender, your beer belly's so big
- your door won't even close... - (CREAKS)
...and that doesn't even make sense.
Come on, we're taking you pigs to the gym.
The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent.
For some reason, I'm frisky as a squid on Tuesday.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAN PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
Hey, who's up for a nice hot steam?
(SHUDDERS) We crustaceans don't like steam.
I'm going to go work out with the Nautilus.
What up, Dr. Z?
Yo, yo, yo, whassup? Whassup? Give up the rock!
- (SCREECHES) - (HUMMING)
Coed steam rooms... I love the future!
Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.
Ah... Futuristic.
Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering.
Those poor 20th-century women.
Hey, handsome...
Is there room in there for two?
(SNORTS) You wish.
(GASPS)
Hey, Leela, look who's the superstud.
Hm. Somebody must have turned down the gravity.
I'll fix it for you.
(CHOKING)
Give me that.
(GRUNTING)
More weight.
Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz on your head?
Enough with the questions, more weight!
More!
(YELLING)
Maybe you could do more reps with less weight.
(YELLS)
(SCREAMING)
Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming out of his shell.
- (LAUGHS) Get it? - (PANTING)
He's coming out of...
(YELLING)
(PEDALS SQUEAKING)
(YELLING MANIACALLY)
(PEDALS SQUEAKING RAPIDLY)
Nice and gentle. We don't want any unnecessary stress.
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
- (WATER SPLASHING) - (BABY CRYING)
Is there a doctor in the gym?
I'm a doctor!
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING) - (WATER SPLASHING)
- (BABY CRYING) - (BREATHING HEAVILY)
(STRAINING)
I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting this way?
Out of all of us, he always seemed the most normal.
I am normal.
Amy, take off these rubber bands
and I'll show you how normal I am.
Fool me seven times, shame on you.
Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.
Maybe he has a parasite.
Maybe he is a parasite!
It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy
and you have to have a big clambake and cook him!
Yee-haw!
Now, now, this won't do.
Let me just give old Zoidie a sedative.
Oh, much better.
You can take off these rubber bands now.
- I'll do it. - Stop! No!
Moron!
Mm-hm. Oh-oh. Aha!
There's the problem.
Give it to me straight, Professor. Is it fin rot?
It's fin rot, isn't it?
Tell me it's not fin rot!
Relax my chitiny chum. There's no problem.
You're just heavy with male jelly.
Blegh.
It must be mating season for Zoidberg's people.
A chaotic time when his behavior is dictated
- by the tiny brain in his rump. - Yuck.
There's only one thing we can do...
I'll get the water boiling.
We, by which I mean you,
will have to rush him to his ancient homeworld,
which will shortly erupt
in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Oh, baby, I'm there!
Fry, do you even understand the word invertebrate?
Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.
No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll!
Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone.
- (DR. ZOIDBERG YELLING) - (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
DR. ZOIDBERG: Moron!
Welcome home, old friend.
Just 19 hours until the mating frenzy.
Excellent, excellent.
See you there, Doctor...
(CHITTERING)
Is that how you say Zoidberg?
(WAILING)
You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.
You're looking less nuts, crabby.
I'm feeling less nuts, thank you.
Because tomorrow, I will be depositing my jelly
in the cloacal vents of a female,
if you catch my drift.
Who's the lucky lobsterina?
I don't know yet.
But I shall attract one this afternoon
with an erotic display.
It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.
Love? That word is unknown here.
I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs
to accept my genetic material.
You and me both, brother.
Ah. My old scuttling grounds. Let's pull over.
I used to hang out here as a larva.
It looked so much bigger back then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Look, outdoor theater.
Let's get tickets. Oh, let's do.
No, it's the ceremony of claw-plach,
where my species fight to the death over matters of honor.
Also whether abbreviations count in Scrabble.
They don't.
I didn't come here to see any activity involving two guys.
Where do you people do your erotic display?
Same place as your species...
The beach.
- How do I look? - Like whale barf.
Then the illusion is complete.
Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display, too.
(MUMBLING EXCITEDLY)
Perfect. This ought to make me stand out.
(SCREECHES)
(SCREECHING)
(LAUGHS)
Look how ridiculous they look.
Please, he's no different from the rest of you organisms,
shooting DNA at each other to make babies.
I find it offensive.
- (SCREECHES) - Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
- (SCREECHES) - So not interested.
- (SCREECHES) - (SCOFFS)
I've heard that line before.
Aw...
(CHITTERING SOFTLY)
(SCREECHES)
What's the point?
(SIGHS)
Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
'Cause he's a loser, that's why.
He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.
Hey, I can get any girl I want, anytime I want.
I'm just too busy.
(GRUMBLES)
(CHITTERS)
Edna.
Edna, it's me, Zoidberg.
Remember? From high school?
You used to laugh at me
because my face was covered with barnacles?
(GASPS) Zoidberg?
Well, I didn't know you were back in town.
I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town,
I was wondering if maybe...
- Craw? - Oh, gee.
Yeah, I'm just going through a lot of things right now and...
Look, Zoidberg,
I carry more eggs than any other female
and I owe it to our race
to pick a mate who's stuffed with male jelly.
Maybe a rock star.
Or maybe a doctor.
I'm sorry, Zoidberg.
You're just an inferior male specimen.
Nice seeing you again.
(SOBBING)
No one will ever want to mate with me.
Not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those other guys?
They look like giant claws with bodies attached.
At least you didn't smell as bad as them.
You're right!
My stink gland is weak. Smell.
(GAGS)
Listen, Doc, if you want to score,
you've got to fake like you're in love.
Just look her in the eye, start crying and say,
"I've never been so happy."
Oh, if a guy ever did that to me, I'd know it.
Wait a second. They've all been doing that to me.
Even Sean. (SOBBING)
Hm. This "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.
Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Ask her to mate with me.
- No. Tell her she's special. - But she's not.
She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Well, tell her that, and then...
- Then mating. - No, make up some feelings
and tell her you have them.
- Yes? - Is desire to mate a feeling?
- Oh, you're not even trying. - (GROANS)
It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance
and the lies upon lies...
Okay, okay, don't worry.
The love-meister will take you under his wing.
What, now there's a bird involved?
- Okay, go ahead. - (GRUNTS)
What the... Dr. Zoidberg?
Your mating display failed.
Why are you trying to talk to me?
I have no idea.
(SOFTLY) You just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
I just want to talk.
It has nothing to do with mating.
Fry, that doesn't make sense.
Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense... But okay.
Start with a compliment.
Tell her she looks thin.
You seem malnourished.
Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.
Now ask her how her day was.
Why would I want to know?
You wouldn't. Ask anyway.
How was your day?
Well, first, I got up and had a piece of toast,
then I brushed my teeth,
then I went to the store to buy some fish, then I...
Fry, look what you did.
She won't shut up.
That's normal. Just nod your head and say, "Uh-huh."
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And then you threw an octopus at my window.
You know, Zoidberg, it's crazy, but when you talk this way
your obvious deficiencies as a male seem...
Less obvious.
Your genes seem less detrimental.
(SNIFFING)
You even stink more.
Do I ask her to mate now?
Third date.
So I returned his artificial heart
and ever since then
I've been known by the name of Honest Bender.
(LAUGHTER)
I'd like to propose a toast to... Coat check number 84.
- Turn it over. - Oh. Edna...
Of all the slimy, gross crab monsters on this planet,
you are apparently the hottest.
Oy.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Yes, well, excuse me. I've got to powder my mouth flaps.
- (SIGHS) - Uh, me, too.
I'm confused, Fry.
I'm feeling a strange new emotion.
Is it love when you care about a female for reasons beyond mating?
Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.
(WATER RUNNING)
Zoidberg said some dumb stuff, but he's a nice guy, really.
It's just that Fry's been telling him what to say
and Fry's a... Do you have idiots on your planet?
Fry?
You mean, words of such beauty
came from the blowhole of that hideous alien?
Yeah. What?
Look, never mind the words.
Zoidberg's a doctor.
A doctor, honey.
- (SONAR BEEP) - EDNA: Come in. (GROWS PLAYFULLY)
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, Fry.
Can I interest you in some surf and turf?
No, thanks.
I just came to tell you that Zoidberg's really great.
He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
Well, that is where it comes out, but jelly isn't everything.
I know Zoidberg's magical words were really yours.
Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars.
(FRY GASPS)
Uh, I'm flattered, really.
If I was going to do it with a big, freaky mud bug,
you'd be way up the list.
Hush, you romantic fool.
Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
(FRY GASPS)
(FRY STRAINING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Edna?
I couldn't stand it any longer. I...
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS, COUGHS)
Fry!
Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.
Her caviar is on your neck!
- But... - Oh, it's true, Zoidberg.
We can't hide it any longer.
Fry and I have fallen in love and we're going to mate tomorrow.
What?
Fry, I challenge you to claw-plach.
English, please?
A fight to the death.
And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.
(SCREAMING)
The law is clear.
Fry and Zoidberg shall fight to the death
for the claw of the beautiful Edna!
But I don't want her!
Once invoked, the sacred tradition of claw-plach
cannot be taken back.
It is a recent tradition, only 18 years old,
but it is a tradition nonetheless!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Get ready, Fry.
I'm going to rip your swim bladder out and show it to you.
Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness!
You're being irrational!
Of course I'm being irrational!
- I'm in love! - Aw.
- Leela! - Right, right.
You have to stop this madness!
Listen, lady, as you can plainly see,
I'm a highly desirable male, groaning with jelly,
yet I embrace a life of celibacy
in order to uphold our crazy traditions.
One of your friends must die!
Fate is cruel and unyielding, and what must be, must be.
Taking all bets!
I'm giving nine to two on Zoidberg,
the crab with the jab, the great red hope.
- Come on, baby! - (CLAMORING)
Fry, it's been years since medical school,
so remind me: disemboweling in your species...
- Fatal or non-fatal? - Fatal.
Large bet on myself in round one!
Edna, have you anything to say before begins the claw-plach?
I do.
I just want to say that today I got up
and I had a piece of toast.
Then I brushed my teeth...
Shut up!
I love you, Fry!
No!
Fry, having guessed what animal I was thinking of,
you shall have first choice of weapon.
(STRAINING)
FRY: Uh-huh. Mm... Ah.
And you, Doctor?
I choose my own claws.
I want the tactile pleasure of chopping him right here, in the gonads.
Shh. Nobody correct him!
Fry, I've never asked you for anything before,
but if it's not too much trouble,
when it comes to the ninth round,
just let him win.
But it's a fight to the death!
Oh, so suddenly this is all about you!
Sheesh.
Please rise for the national anthem.
(SOARING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh-oh.
Let claw-plach begin!
- (CROWD CHEERING) - (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
Aha.
Oh!
(GROANS) Hey.
(CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY)
Ow.
- (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHS)
(SCREAMS)
(FRY PANTING)
(CHEERING)
Come on, Fry!
Die with dignity!
Aha.
Oops.
(BOTH STRAINING)
No! I can't stand to look!
Huh? Huh...
(CROWD GASPING)
(BONE CRACKS)
- Crack him open! - Kill him!
Psst. Fry, take a dive!
- (SHUDDERS) - (BONE CRACKS)
CROWD: Claw-plach, claw-plach, claw-plach!
(CHOKING)
(CROWD GASPING)
My fellow fish monsters,
far be it from me to question your stupid civilization
or its dumb customs
but is squeezing each other's brains out
with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything?
Dr. Zoidberg is my friend
and though a woman has come between us,
I say we'll always remain friends.
And do you know why?
One reason.
You bastard!
I'll kill you!
- You bastard! - (GROANING)
Wait, stop! Everyone is gone!
Edna? Honey?
(DISTANT SCREECHING)
(GASPING)
Edna!
(CHITTERING SOFTLY)
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
My God!
The frenzy! Aw...
The greatest experience in life and I missed it.
(SOBBING)
Aw, I'm sorry, Doc.
(BIRDS CAWING)
Ow, ow! Ah.
The frenzy is over.
How will I ever get rid of my male jelly now?
- I'll lend you this. - Fry!
Hey, hey!
Shoo, get away!
Hey! What's with the flying jerks?
They come to feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes on its genes, it dies.
You mean you have to choose
between a life without sex and a gruesome death?
- Yes. - Tough call.
Well, it was nice of you
to let me reattach your arm, Fry.
Especially after I made a complete eel out of myself.
- No biggie. - Yes, biggie.
I learned to feel things I've never felt before...
Love, jealousy, passion for disemboweling.
I owe it all to you.
There. I pronounce the operation a success.
- Hooray! - Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
I may not know from emotions
but when it comes to medicine? Forget about it.
I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc,
but do you think maybe you could take one more whack at this?
For you, my friend? Anything.
- (DEVICE ZAPPING) - (FRY SCREAMS)
FRY: My legs!
DR. ZOIDBERG: All right, all right. Third time's the charm.
- (DEVICE WHIRRING) - (THUDS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)