(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Fourscore and 1,145 years ago,
our forefathers' foreheads conceived a new nation.
And this Presidents' Day, we honoreth those values
that my body fought and died for.
Values like this brand-new Plymouth Vager.
Hi, I'm Malfunctioning Eddie,
and I'm malfunctioning so badly,
I'm practically giving these cars away.
Hey, let's go car shopping.
My parents promised if I got all B's, they'd buy me a bar,
and I got all C's.
Mind if I tag along?
I've got to bring my ass in for servicing.
The recall notice says it could burst into flame in a low-speed collision.
No wonder you've been staying at the back of conga lines lately.
I'll get my coat.
Let's go, Bender.
(ALL YELPING)
Hello. I am Victor,
and I know many things about the art of unloading
fine cars on beautiful women.
Uh-huh...
Now tell her she's witty and sophisticated.
Ah, ah, ah. A gentlemen always sells a lady a car first.
This is the Beta Romeo.
Yes, the Beta Romeo.
Note the cross-your-heart seat belt
which protects, lifts and separates.
(SLURPING)
Spotted her the minute you walked in, didn't you, sir?
She's a real beauty.
Yeah, she's beautiful coffee all right.
No, the Ford Thunder-Cougar-Falcon-bird.
Nothing makes you feel more like a man
than a Thunder-Cougar-Falcon-bird.
So, how much were you thinking of spending on this?
Sorry. I'm not here to buy.
I understand. It's wonderful that you don't care
whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.
I care. I care plenty! I just don't know how to make them stop.
One word...
Thunder-Cougar-Falcon-bird.
The luxurious seats are stuffed with eagle down.
And the dashboard inlaid with the beaks of a thousand eagles.
Also, there are some eagles under the floorboards.
That's an awful lot of eagle.
Yes, and yet...
(SIGHS)
What's wrong?
It is just that the luxury edition has so much more eagle.
It saddens me to think of you missing out.
Oh, don't be sad.
My parents are paying and they're incredibly rich.
BENDER: (VIBRATING) Ow... Ow...
I installed shock-absorbing bumpers
to reduce the risk of catastrophic butt failure.
(GASPS) You, sir, have defaced a national treasure.
I demand you restore my buttocks
to their former glory! (WHISTLES)
All right, but sooner or later that ass is going to blow,
and when it does, I just pray
you're not mooning someone you care about.
Smeesh, Leela,
this car has everything a beautiful woman like me needs.
Victor said so.
(CHUCKLES) No dog food for Victor tonight.
Okay. The sticker says 55,000,
but we'll only go as high as, say...
Sixty thousand!
- (GROANS) - Oh...
I will have to ask my manager.
Amy, you don't go up from the sticker price.
I thought it was an auction.
He is not too happy.
I'm sorry.
Eighty thousand?
AMY: Uh-oh.
I'm terrible at parallel parking.
HERMES: And now you're asking for a day off?
Get out of my and my sight.
You're bogarting my patience.
Hermes, who were you yelling at?
Meself. I asked meself for Valentine's Day off,
but I was in no mood for any of my shenanigans.
Valentine's Day is coming?
Oh, crap.
I forgot to get a girlfriend again.
Well, since neither of us has a date, why don't we...
You just assume I can't get a Valentine's date?
Shall we say 8:00?
Hey, I'm taking my new car out for a spin to Mercury.
- Anybody want to come? - Yeah, okay. What's the weather like?
The usual. Boiling lead, oceans of lava.
So, what? Shorts?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Boy, this AC is incredible.
(SHIVERING)
I'd better turn on the heater, too.
Boy, this heater is incredible.
I'd better turn up the AC some more.
Hey, how about some icy margaritas?
Yeah.
We're slowing down.
Don't worry, I'll hit the fuel guzzler.
Who wants Pop-Tarts?
(ENGINE POWERING DOWN)
(ENGINE FALTERING)
Oh!
FRY: Uh-oh.
It's okay. I have an emergency phone.
What are you doing?
Spluh, it's a video-phone.
(DIALING)
Lucky I'm a member of the Austro-Afro Antarctico-Amerasian Auto Association.
Hello? Septuple-A?
Phew!
Oh, it'll be a couple hours.
Oh! I'm going to get sweat on my sweat suit.
Hey, tell me something.
You've got all this money,
how come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
I guess 'cause my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike.
(SCOFFS) As though.
I've been there.
My folks were always on me to groom myself
and wear underpants.
What am I, the Pope?
(SNORTS) Yeah. And if you were the Pope
they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat,"
and "Put on your good vestments."
(LAUGHING)
You know, Fry,
it's nice to find someone I can talk to about stuff and junk.
Yeah, it's like we feel the same way about junk and stuff,
or whatever.
Oh, ho!
(GROANS)
So while they're towing us,
- you want to do it? - Yeah!
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: Yo, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Which concludes the summary of the movie I saw last night.
Now, any old business?
- ALL: No. - Any new business?
ALL: No.
Anyone spend the night together?
- ALL: No. - Yep.
- Kind of. - (ALL GASPING)
- What? - Oh, my God!
We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another.
And it led there again when we got home.
(BOTH CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)
Congratulations, Fry.
You snagged the perfect girlfriend.
Amy is rich.
She's probably got other characteristics.
Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Oh, so it's just coincidence
that Zoidberg here is desperately poor
and miserably lonely?
Please.
For your information, it's because he's hideous.
(DR. ZOIDBERG GROANS)
Well, I think Fry and Amy go together like a lime and a coconut.
Do I hear wedding bells?
What? No!
Really? Oh, dear.
Oh... You're both very lucky.
I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness,
if only I weren't so desperately poor.
Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance?
Hmm, I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I...
Five hundred dollars and time served.
Stupid anti-pimping laws.
Well, pay the man.
HOOKER: Bender, honey, we love you.
BENDER: Sure, baby, I know it.
Ah! Computer dating.
It's like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase "Upside your head."
Bender, this is stupid.
Why would anyone come to you for romantic help?
Hey! Don't make me go upside your head!
Fry! Amy!
Put your pants back on! I need a stapler! (GRUNTS)
Stop. Stop!
If you interrupt the mating dance, the male will become enraged
and maul us with his fearsome gonad.
It's working. They think we're making out.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Wait. Why aren't we making out?
I don't know.
(AMY MOANING)
Okay, mister...
Smith.
Zapp Smith. Brannigan.
Just check off the things you're looking for in a love partner.
Let's see.
Oh, yes.
Yes, definitely.
Mmm, I'd like some of that.
Mmm! I'll just have everything on the menu.
Now, to run it through our high-speed romance-alogical datafier.
(IMITATES MACHINE BEEPING)
Beep.
Say hello to Miss Right.
Hello.
(MOANING)
Wow.
We're great kissers.
Yeah.
Hey, later, you want to drive out to Europa?
We could have a picnic and spit watermelon seeds at Jupiter.
Hey, yeah. I used to spit at stuff back in the 20th century.
Ah, it's cool how we sort of think exactly alike,
- and junk. - Yeah.
You know, Fry, I really like hanging out with you.
FRY: Everything was going great.
Then all of a sudden, she's talking about hanging out.
(SCOFFS) "Hanging out"?
She's getting way too serious.
I'm not a one-woman man, Leela.
You'll be back to zero soon enough.
Don't you get it? She's smothering me.
- Hi. - You see? You see?
Now she's bothering me when I'm at work.
- Fry. - I'm doing my job... There's Amy.
I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine... There's Amy.
I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy...
- There's Amy. - I think you're overreacting.
Am I?
Am I!
Face it. I'm a prize catch. (BURPS)
I mean, I'm pulling down delivery-boy money.
Fry, she's pulling down billionaire trust-fund money.
Then she wants me as a trophy husband.
Leela, you gotta come to Europa with us.
I can't be alone with her.
So, ready for a secluded picnic with just you and me?
Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics with just you and me?
Uh...
Dr. Zoidberg.
Did someone say something about a free hot meal?
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
(MUNCHING LOUDLY)
Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday.
Bird eggs, animal slices,
dry woven reeds.
All gone.
- Can I drive? - No.
So, Fry, you busy tomorrow?
I got two tickets to the big ape fight.
Geez, we're already planning to spend Valentine's Day together.
- Isn't that enough? - Okay. Sure.
What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?
Oh, so all of a sudden we're spending Valentine's Day together?
- But you just said... - That's it, Amy, we have to talk.
Zoidberg, you drive.
Wahoo.
FRY: Pardon me. Excuse me.
Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness.
Amy, you know how, at first, you like chocolate
but then you start to get tired of it
'cause it always wants to hang out with you?
- Huh? You don't like chocolate? - Look, could chocolate just let me finish?
DR. ZOIDBERG: Vroom, vroom.
And the winner of the big car race is
hot rod Zoidberg!
(IMITATES FANS YELLING)
Amy, what I'm trying to say is,
I think, maybe you and I should stop...
- (METALLIC SNAP) - DR. ZOIDBERG: Uh-oh.
Here, you drive.
(SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Fry, are you all right?
(GROANS)
My head is killing me.
What happened? Was anybody hurt?
No, no, no, no, no.
Of course not.
Nobody but you.
I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash.
- How badly? - That's it over there.
- (SCREAMS) - Don't worry.
I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery.
- Where is it? - There.
Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry.
(SCREAMING)
(CLICKING TONGUE) This sort of thing always happens
with office romances.
Don't worry, Fry,
we'll have your body all fixed up in a few days.
Oops-a-daisy.
Well, Amy, I'll try not to interfere with your life too much.
- Fry! - Oh, sorry.
I guess I control that arm.
(WHOOPING)
So, what was it you wanted to talk about before we crashed, anyway?
Oh, that.
Maybe we'd better talk in private.
I'll meet you in the closet.
Amy, I really like you
as a friend,
but I think we're spending too much time together.
You're breaking up with me?
I just think we should start seeing other people.
But, I was really having fun.
If that's how you feel...
I'm sorry, but it is.
Well, whatever.
Hey, listen, as long as we're not seeing each other,
you mind if I ask someone else out for Valentine's Day?
I mean, unless it'd make you feel bad being a third wheel.
Hey, I can get a date, too.
Now that I'm single I'll attract all sorts of women.
With my body,
I think you might only attract one sort of woman.
Oh!
Oh.
(BENDER GULPING)
So...
How's business?
Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore?
I'm telling you,
losers get really desperate around Valentine's Day.
Yeah. It's pathetic, all right.
(WHISTLING)
(SCATTING)
- How much? - Five hundred bucks.
- Done. - Zapp Brannigan okay?
- No. - Six hundred.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Oh, hey, Leela.
Can I talk to you for a minute,
in private?
Oh. No problem.
(SCATTING)
This is an emergency.
Amy made Valentine's plans with some goon
and I'm going to be stuck there lonely and miserable.
Will you be my date?
Please?
You're too late, Fry.
I'm sharing Valentine's Day with a very special man.
He's not Zapp Brannigan or anything.
Then I have no choice but to do something
so pitiful and embarrassing that I'm ashamed to tell you about it.
- Bender is in his office. - Thanks.
(SCATTING ANGRILY)
I got your hookup, Fry.
Now, my usual fee is 500 bucks,
but seeing as how it's you,
I'll need it in advance.
Okay, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.
Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway?
Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?
What business is it of yours?
And another thing, you're using an awful lot of makeup there.
This is deodorant.
- What does it do? - (DOORBELL RINGING)
Come on in, Gary.
I'll just be another 20 minutes.
GARY: I'll be waiting.
Twenty minutes?
You're practically ready now.
Yeah, but it's good to make them wait a little.
Oh, God, it's true!
That dress looks great on you.
- Thanks. - Thanks.
Where is she?
I must say, Amy, you're all made up.
Just like Fry's date.
- Get it? - Mmm-mmm.
I've got a date!
She'll be along any minute.
Fry! Look who I found.
It's Petunia! Your dream girl.
- How's them eats? - Uh...
Don't mind if I do.
Kids'll be hungry.
She seems a little old for me.
She is well-traveled,
and I don't mean she travels a lot.
Wheels fell off my house.
Now, how about a rose for the lady?
Five bucks a pop.
- I'll take one. - Oh, yeah?
Well, I want one, too.
- Eight bucks. - But, you just said...
Demand suddenly skyrocketed.
You all saw it!
(SIGHS)
Leela, meet your future husband, Sal.
Eeh. Nice eyeball, eyeball.
Nice ass, ass.
Ooh, sparks. Buy her a rose,
I guarantee she'll put out.
Eh, I'll take my chances.
- Cheers. - (IN DEEP VOICE) Cheers.
So, tell me about your prospects.
- You a good gambler? - Well, ma'am, I...
What's your game? Bingo?
Keno? Wait a minute.
You don't have your own body.
No, but I control this arm.
Slots player, huh?
Sorry, but I think I can do better.
Wait! Come back...
- darling. - Can't, hon.
I got to catch my bus back to Nutley.
I'd kiss you good night, but I lost my teeth pulling out a stump.
So, anyways, Leela,
I'd love to take a whack at you,
but that 10:15 to Nutley ain't going nowheres
without yours truly behind the wheel.
PETUNIA: Excuse me.
Did you say, "10:15 to Nutley"?
Why, yes, I did.
Bender, did you just round up our dates at the bus station?
- Of course not. - Anybody's else for Nutley?
(ALL TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Baby, wait.
You didn't show me your surprise.
(SOFTLY) You know what I'd like to do is...
Oh, geez, get a room.
Maybe later.
(STAMMERS) Hey, I have an idea. Let's all go out for ice cream.
Actually, I thought Amy might like
to come back to my place for coffee.
I don't really like coffee.
Neither do I.
Ooh... I feel a little tipsy.
Let me pick up the check.
No!
That's it! I'm getting the hell out of here!
(GRUNTING IN PAIN)
Why, if it isn't my favorite head on Amy's body,
- Fry. - Oh!
- Leela! - We were just on our way out.
Nonsense.
The evening is young.
So, Gary, what do you do for a living?
I'm a banking industry regulator.
- Ugh! - Really?
You know, I heard that banking industry regulations
are really very simple.
Oh, no, that's not true.
You see, modern banking regulations
are a product of five different regulatory traditions.
Six, if you want to get technical.
Oh, I do.
It all began in 1410,
when a number of noblemen convened...
(WHISPERING) Thank you.
There you are.
Good as new,
except for your dorsal fin.
I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
- Can I live without it? - If you call that living.
I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me
graft a laser cannon onto your chest
to crush those who disobey you.
Oh, but I guess, we're just two different people.
So, thanks for the ride, Amy,
and I hope there are no hard feelings
about your date, or stuff.
It's okay. I had fun.
And if I ever feel lonely,
I can just look over at this disfiguring scar and think of you.
(SIGHS)
Well, anyway, it's nice to have my own body back.
Ah!
Oh...
LEELA: So, how's the old corpse?
Everything hooked up okay?
Seems to be. My neck is just a little tender.
Ow! Cool.
Ow!
Listen, Leela,
thanks for rescuing me last night.
Anytime.
I actually enjoyed hanging out with you.
Yep. Everything worked out great.
Thanks to good old Bender.
Come on!
It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates
so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.
Didn't I, Leela?
Didn't I?
LEELA: No! You didn't!
You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station
and pocketed our money.
True, but in the end,
isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?
- Yeah. - I guess so.
(LAUGHING)
Watch the neck. Watch the neck!
My ass!
My beautiful...
(EXPLOSIONS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)