(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Good news, everyone.
I've taught the toaster to feel love.
(TOASTER BARKS)
(TOASTER YELPS)
(WHIMPERS)
And Hermes returns from his vacation today.
Good morning, people.
ALL: Hey, Hermes. Good to see you.
Yo. My man.
So, how was the Spleef Nebula?
The flight had a stopover on the brain slug planet.
Hermes liked it so much, he decided to stay of his own free will.
Hermes has all the fun.
Wait a second! He's got a brain slug on his head.
Shh! You're going to get us all assimilated.
Just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo.
On to new business.
Today's mission is for you all to go to the brain slug planet.
What are we going to do there?
Just walk around, not wearing a helmet.
Sounds great, Hermes!
Whatever you say. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
What... Hey, let's ditch him and go to the movies.
ALL: Hey, yeah, that's a good idea.
I'm seeing a movie with friends.
(GROANS)
Cool! Let's see this one.
Nah, I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary.
I've heard good things about Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
Ugh, I hate subtitles.
Alien films are so pretentious.
Fellows, fellows, how about a film we can all enjoy?
Planet of the Clams.
It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
Who invited you?
Let's just see All My Circuits: The Movie.
(ALL AGREEING)
Good point, Bender.
I'll take a small Slurm.
For only 25 cents less, you can get a super-small.
Uh, okay.
Oh, man!
Hey, give me a large diet malt liquor and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
Down in front!
(MAN READING)
Ohh, this is real futuristic.
Shh! Don't talk during the movie.
(MAN READING)
New New York Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer
opens a new tube line to alleviate rush hour traffic.
Dateline: Paramecium homeworld.
Newly crowned Miss Universe, Gladys Lennox
entertains troops fighting to wipe out the human race.
Go get 'em, boys!
(BELL DINGING)
And in the world of Ultimate Robot Fighting,
the Masked Unit wins his championship bout
against Gorgeous Gonks by technical melting.
Go, Masked Unit!
Uh... Hey, buddy. Yo! (WHISTLES)
You mind taking your head off?
I'm sorry, sir,
but I need it to watch the movie.
Just ask flabby over here to describe it to you, later.
Sir, she is as the factory made her.
Well, they should have stopped making her about halfway through.
(SPY MUSIC PLAYING)
Written by WRITING UNIT 5 and WRITING UNIT 12 & JOE ESZTERHAS
Well, that finishes this paperwork.
(PHONE RINGING)
Calculon Enterprises.
Calculon, a fight scene has broken out at the special effects warehouse.
Come, quickly
before a fiery explosion chases someone down a hallway.
I have no choice but to...
MAN: If you want Calculon
to race to the lasergun battle in his hover Ferrari, press one.
If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press two.
Enter now.
- MAN: You have pressed two. - No, I didn't.
I'm almost positive you did.
Add in the carryover from Form 16-A, then deduct line 2-B.
(HUMMING)
Pardon me, sir,
but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat.
(MOCKINGLY) Pardon me, sir...
Yes, that's the gist of what I said.
Would you mind?
Sure thing, pal.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
- Sir... - Who threw that?
That's it!
- Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. - (LAUGHS)
I'm boned.
(BENDER SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Let's all go to the lobby.
(YELPS)
I'm going to open a file of whoop-ass on you!
(GRUNTS)
(POWERS DOWN)
(ALL MURMURING)
(GASPS)
Bender, do you know who that was?
Cripes! The Masked Unit!
You knocked him out cold.
- (ALL MURMURING IN AWE) - I'm impressed.
Son, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate Robot Fighting.
I'm a connoisseur of jerks who pick fights in movie theaters
and you're the biggest I've ever seen.
You should see me at funerals.
Kid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
Ultimate robot fighting?
Sounds pleasant. I'll do it.
(ALL CHEER)
My hero. Mwah!
Aw, they don't make movies like this anymore.
(BLOWS NOSE)
I'm going to be the greatest ultimate robot fighter ever.
Float like a float-bot, sting like an automatic stinging machine.
Bender, you can't be an ultimate robot fighter.
It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy.
- It is? - There are no rules.
Two robots enter. One robot leaves.
Then, later, the other robot leaves after being declared the winner.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonizing pain?
I'm pretty sure I did.
Yes, definitely.
Crippling pain? That's not covered by my insurance fraud.
Count me out.
No, you've got to do it.
I don't care how suicidal it is.
Hey, how come when I want
to do fun stuff that will kill me, you're against it?
This is more important than that marble-eating contest, Fry.
It's about pride.
Let me tell you a story from my childhood.
Ugh, again with the orphanarium.
When I was growing up at the orphanarium, I got picked on a lot.
My only outlet was octouran kung fu.
- Hi-ya! - (GRUNTING)
Excellent.
Bill, Keith, you will go to junior championships.
Bill, congratulate Keith when he regains consciousness.
But Master Funog, I can beat these dorks with one eye closed.
Perhaps, but there is more to winning than beating your opponent.
You lack the will of a warrior.
What do you mean? Watch this.
- Hi-ya! - (CRIES) Ow!
No girl has the will of a warrior.
You have the will of a housewife or at best, the schoolmarm.
That's it. I'll take you on right now.
Very well, but you see, I have the will of the warrior.
Therefore, the battle is already over.
The winner? Me. Ha-ha!
Rematch? You lose again.
Had enough? I thought so.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I lost my chance to be a champion.
I won't let you throw away yours.
Leela is right.
I don't want to end up a loser like her.
Count me back in.
Let's see what you got. Touch your toes.
(GRUNTING)
Still... Can't... Reach.
Hi-ya!
Hi-ya! (CHOKING)
Let's commence preparations for rumbling!
(BELL DINGING)
(GRUMBLING)
Ladies and gentlemen and Smizmars, welcome to tonight's main event.
In this corner, from Mom's Friendly Robot factory.
In America's heartland, Mexico... Bender!
(CROWD CHEERING)
And in this corner, from and made of parts unknown,
the Clear-Cutter.
Bender rules!
I got you an official Bender hat.
Wow! Thanks, Hermes.
I... Hey, cut that out!
(BELL DINGS)
You can't hit what you can't see.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Get up, Bender.
You can't quit every time you get an ax in the back.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
Or a drill through your face.
Now, quit scratching your ax hole and get out there.
Ow, ow.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Huh?
And the winner is...
Bender!
Nice work out there, kid.
You know, I think he might be dead.
I took a life! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Hi, boss. Yo, dude.
Hey! He's not dead. What's up with that?
What, you didn't read the pamphlet?
Ultimate robot fighting's a scam, kid. It's rigged.
(GASPS)
It's a secret, so keep it under your head...
But the most popular robot always wins.
You mean I'm not a great fighter?
- I just won 'cause I'm popular? - Bingo.
Woo-hoo! I'm popular!
In fact, you're more than popular.
You're pure lowest common denominator.
Go, Bender. Go, Bender. Go, Bender.
Presenting... Bender The Offender.
I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back.
WOMAN: I love you, Bender!
Versus Billionaire-bot!
- (CROWD BOOING) - (CHUCKLING SNOOTILY)
(DINGS)
Versus The Foreigner.
I'm not from here. I have my own customs. Look at my crazy passport.
(CHEERING)
Versus The Chain Smoker.
(CROWD BOOING)
I love smoking, and after I win the fight,
I'm headed straight to your favorite restaurant.
You know, I'm also an ultimate robot lover.
(ROBOT GIRLS GIGGLING)
Bender, you're three hours late.
You can't give up on your training now after both of us worked so hard.
What do you mean, "we"?
I said "us."
Hey, Bender The Offender doesn't need you.
Bender The Offender doesn't need anybody.
What about us, Mr. The Offender?
Well, obviously, I need floozies.
Let's roll.
Howdy, chief.
For my next bout, what do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud?
Actually, we've decided to go in a different direction.
What if I told you
we wouldn't be fighting in the conventional sense?
Bender, your popularity is slipping.
Sales of your Bender-brand French-milled bath soaps are down 20%.
(SNIFFING) Those morons.
I said teaberry, not sandalwood.
Damn it, Bender,
if you can't move sandalwood you don't belong in this league!
That's why you're going to lose next week's title match.
But the crowd loves me.
Perhaps, but let's see how they feel about your new persona.
You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces Processor.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, yeah?
Well, what if I don't let the new guy win?
Then, he'll just have to beat you the old-fashioned way.
To death!
Melissa, send in the new kid.
I... Am... Destructor!
(ROARS)
(IN SMALL VOICE) See you at the fight.
So then I said, "See you at the fight," And that's the story.
Man, I thought ultimate robot fighting was real
like pro wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed like boxing.
It's one thing to win a fixed fight.
There's dignity in that.
But to lose, and in this atrocity...
(SOBS)
I can't do it.
Leela, you've got to train me to win.
No way! If you wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it,
why should I give it to you now when you do need it?
What the hell are you talking about?
I don't know, but I'm not helping.
ANNOUNCER: You loved him as Bender The Offender.
Now, get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality
in his new persona, The Gender Bender.
I'm a real toughie.
ANNOUNCER: Squaring off this Sunday, versus... Destructor.
I will destroy you! (ROARS)
And stop calling me.
I am Destructor's trainer, Master Funog.
My pupil will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior.
(LAUGHS)
Not Funog!
Bender, let's hit the gym.
I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl.
I'll put on my tutu.
ANNOUNCER: Hello and welcome to a remarkable championship bout.
Destructor, a robotic armored tank
whose very use in battle has been ruled a war crime...
Versus Gender Bender, who wears a pink tutu.
This is Rich Little, imitating Howard Cosell
here at ringside with George Foreman.
George, a word in edgewise.
This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973
when Ali faced an 80-foot-tall, mechanical Joe Frazier.
My memory's not what it used to be,
but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.
Interesting, if true.
The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1,000:0.
A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays $1,000 if he wins.
Still, very few takers.
It's not a smart bet.
Hi-ya!
According to the script,
you're supposed to prance out and tickle him with your fairy wand.
Instead, I want you to prance out and kick his head off.
Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle.
Thank God, I'm free of that nightmare!
Sorry, buddy. Here you go.
Thank you. It was cold down there on the floor.
Here, Professor, I got you a program.
Oh, good. Just let me put on my reading glasses.
Why, Zoidberg, There's a lovely photo of you in here.
- (GROANS) - (BELL DINGS)
In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls,
weighing 525 pounds...
- The Gender Bender! - (CROWD BOOING)
Get that hippie out of the ring!
And in these two corners, weighing 400 tons,
the gizmo from Pismo... Beach.
Destructor!
So, we meet again. Most amusing.
Girl who acts like fighter training fighter who acts like girl.
Keep laughing, Funog.
Ready, Bender?
I was built ready. Give me the bell.
- (BELL DINGS) - Did you hear a noise?
Final boarding call for Flight 406. Nonstop service to pain.
Now boarding stand-by passengers...
(GRUNTS)
This seems as good a time as any to bring up my new grill for no reason.
With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.
Fry, throw in the towel.
For God sakes, Fry!
(GROANS)
That's exactly what I was thinking.
(SLOW-MOTION) No!
Mommy.
Okay, Funog, that's enough.
Call him off.
Funog?
(BEEPING)
Hmm.
Why won't anyone help me?
(CONTINUES BEEPING)
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
- So... Once more, we meet again. - Huh?
You didn't train Destructor. You're just controlling him like a puppet.
I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's low.
Better than being a girl... Like you.
You're a girl! (LAUGHS)
Oh, right.
Girls lack the will of the warrior.
- Hi-ya! - (GRUNTING)
It's Bendering time.
Take this...
And this.
(YELLING)
You were an excellent student.
Too bad I was a lousy teacher.
I think you misunderstood the concept of Bendering time.
See you in girl hell.
I'll be in boy hell, much nicer.
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Yes!
Ow...
- (BELL DINGS) - And the winner is...
Destructor!
(CROWD CHEERING)
I've not seen a spectacle of this nature
in all my years impersonating a sportscaster.
It sure was some fight.
Interesting side note.
As a head without a body, I envy the dead.
No argument here.
Bender, how did the fight go?
I heard somebody got flattened.
Fry, where's your brain slug?
Poor little guy starved to death.
I'm proud of you, Bender.
Sure, you lost, you lost bad,
but the important thing is
I beat up someone who hurt my feelings in high school. Ha-ha!
I'm in tremendous pain here.
Great job, kid.
You lost, and you made it look almost half-real.
I want you to have this card
good for 10 percent off at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Yes...
I'm the greatest...
The greatest!
And so ends the chronicle
of one of the greatest ever to play the sport.
And he didn't look half-bad in a tutu.
That he did surely not.
What?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)