(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
(WHIMPERING)
Good news, everyone.
Several years ago, I tried to log on to AOL,
and it just went through. Whee!
We're online.
Go ahead, get into these net suits.
I designed and tested them myself.
(SNIFFS) They smell like burning rhesus monkey.
Really? I guess when you're around it all day
you stop noticing.
- Off you go. - (BEEPS)
(MECHANICAL TRILLING)
Hey.
Ha!
Behold!
The Internet!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
My god.
It's full of ads.
(ADS CAWING AND SCREECHING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
(BENDER SCREAMING)
(AD SCREECHING)
(WHIMPERING)
(FRY GRUNTS)
Follow me.
FRY: It's immense.
It's got every piece of information anyone could ever want.
So I see.
- Woo-hoo! - HERMES: Oh, yeah!
What? What's going on here?
(EXCLAIMS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GASPS)
Hey, that's me.
No, it isn't.
I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
Hey.
Are you over 18?
- Yes. - Yes.
Hi. (GIGGLES)
I'm telling you, Fry,
they've got a chat room for everybody.
And here it is.
- Ew. That is so gross. - Yeah.
- I'll stick with this one, thank you. - Yeah.
(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY)
(BEEPS)
Hi.
I'm a naughty nurse and I really need someone to talk to.
$9.95 a minute.
Oh! You're a dollar naughtier than most.
So, how about them knicks?
(SIGHS)
Hello? Are there any girls in this room at all?
Yeah. Bring on the hot chicks 'cause I'm a hot stud.
- ALL: Yeah. - So are we.
I'm a woman if that's what you mean.
- (MEN GASPING) - It's a girl.
I don't like to play games, so I'll just say I'm a cyclops.
I'm a spaceship captain. I'm the only one of my species.
And I'm interested in meeting a man.
(MEEKLY) A woman?
I'm scared.
Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.
Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
Is the space pope reptilian?
HERMES: Get ready for fun, Fry.
Nowadays we have a type of game played entirely on video.
We call it a video game.
FRY: Uh, a video game, you say?
Well, golly gee.
You mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.
(LAUGHS)
(WHOOPING)
(GASPS)
Hmm.
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
The doctor is in.
The doctor is out.
Everyone, please sign off. We have a delivery.
Plus I have to use the phone to...
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
Leela, please tell the others that...
(BENDER EXCLAIMING)
(GROANING)
(COCKS)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
Who are you?
I saw you in the chat room
But you left before I had a chance to talk to you.
After all these years of searching for another cyclops.
I can't believe it.
I've dreamed of this moment all my life.
Do you think perhaps, you and I...
Ha-ha!
Fry, you idiot.
Ever since I was abandoned on Earth
I've been searching for who my people are
and where they come from.
Then I finally meet another cyclops and you blast him.
You wrecked my one chance to learn who I am.
Oh, Leela, I feel terrible.
If there's anything I can ever do...
Gotcha.
I won!
I'm the greatest!
(LAUGHING)
Come on. We have work to do.
(EXCLAIMS AND GROANS)
(SIGHS)
Are you still mad at me for wrecking your once-in-a-lifetime chance
to learn the meaning of your existence?
No. I'm just happy you were able to win a video game.
Now let's concentrate on getting this desperately needed popcorn
to the people of Cineplex 14, okay?
(AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING) Leela, you've got mail.
It's not spam.
Huh?
It's him.
To Leela.
Subject, hello. I am Alcazar.
Fortunately, I wrote down your screen name
before I was dispatched by that oafish moron.
Kicked your ass.
Leela, we have much to discuss.
Please come join me on the planet of your birth.
Coordinates follow.
Well, too bad we've got to make that urgent popcorn delivery.
LEELA: It'll get there.
(KERNELS POPPING)
LEELA: After a whole life of searching,
I may finally have found where I belong.
Too bad it's a dump.
Look at that statue.
It's only got one eye.
Lazy sculptor.
ALCAZAR: Welcome home, Leela.
Alcazar?
Are you real or am I seeing single?
Ow. (CHUCKLES)
Of course I'm real.
After all this time, somebody else with one eye,
who isn't a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.
It's all right, Leela. You'll never be alone again.
(CLAPS)
Come.
Let me introduce you to yourself.
- Do you mind if your servants walk? - Not at all.
(LAUGHS)
ALCAZAR: We are the last remaining cyclopes.
Our planet is Cyclopia.
This is the capital, Cyclops City.
Stop me if I'm too fast for you.
So much information, and yet, somehow
I feel as if I know it all already.
This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.
Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back?
Her perfect eye reminds me of yours, Leela.
Had our race survived
you would have been a temple priestess
or a supermodel.
Oh, please. Really?
(BENDER HUMMING)
There's the infamous pirate, Purple beard,
scourge of the six seas.
What's over that hill?
ALCAZAR: The Forbidden Valley.
A holy sanctuary where no one may tread.
Is that anything like a cemetery?
'Cause I got to take a leak. Ow!
Fry, that's offensive to our people.
- Isn't it? - Ow.
ALCAZAR: This is my home.
I hope you don't think less of me because I live in a giant castle.
Oh, no, not at all.
If anything, I'm more impressed.
Ooh. I'm going to need to make some room.
And here is where I dream my lonely dreams
and cook my simple meals.
It's all so sad.
What happened to our people?
(ALCAZAR SIGHS)
That's too painful to speak of now.
Come. I'll show you your quarters.
(BENDER WHISTLING)
- (METAL CLANGING) - Ow. Ow. Ow.
(ALCAZAR CRYING)
I heard you from my room. What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just...
No, Leela.
I don't want to see tears in your perfect eye.
Please. Is it about the fate of our people?
Because I'm very interested in that.
Well, okay. But it's chilly,
and you're going to be all wet from the tears.
Let's go into my chamber.
It wasn't long ago,
our people were happy and prosperous.
But the eyeless mole people of Subterra 3
grew jealous of our visual prowess.
They fired missiles in all directions, hoping to hit Cyclopia.
Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets hit was ours.
How far away do you think it is?
A trillion miles?
ALCAZAR: Things got hot.
You look a little hot, actually.
You could take off that jacket.
Our people don't like to be hot.
Anyway, just before the impact,
our smartest scientist managed to save one baby.
Alcazar, I used to be a baby.
It might have been me.
ALCAZAR: Fortunately, I was employed as a pool cleaner at the time.
And when I emerged from retrieving a dead possum
I found I was the only one left.
(YELLING)
It's so tragic.
Yes, but the real tragedy is that our race ends with us.
- It doesn't have to. - What do you mean?
You're a male.
And I'm a female.
I'm still not following you.
(BOTH MOANING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Wake up, my king.
(GROANS)
(COUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Geez, what a night.
Make me some coffee, would ya?
Uh, sure. Okay.
- What do you take with that? - Pancakes and sausage.
Kitchen's in basement, pans in attic.
Maybe after breakfast, we can talk about rebuilding our civilization.
(SNORING)
Mmm.
Great pancakes, Leela.
Yeah, they'll come in handy if I need to cover any tiny manholes.
(LAUGHING)
Listen, hon, we don't want to look like slobs
- in front of the other species, do we? - No.
So get to work on these dishes.
And then organize my collection of naked celebrity photos.
- Look, Alcazar... - Call me Al.
Look, Al.
I know you've been living alone a long time,
and I can sympathize.
But I'm not your maid.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I guess the relationship isn't going to work out.
So much for the cyclops race. It was a pretty good race but...
Okay, okay.
I'll do the dishes.
Hey, where'd they go?
(DISHES CLATTERING)
(SIGHS) Leela is experiencing the greatest joy a woman can feel,
worshipping some lowlife jerk.
He may be some lowlife jerk, but I don't trust him.
I think he's hiding something,
and I'm going to find out what it is.
(LAUGHS) Try and stop me.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)
LEELA: Al?
I did my hair the way you wanted it.
Who are these people?
Friends.
Hey, where'd you get this couch
and that TV set and all this stuff?
They were giving it away on the street corner.
Just like you, Leela.
(HOOTING)
Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need,
mouthwash, a back wax, and stain-proof underwear.
- (CHEERING) - You go, girl!
By the way, your pal Fry fell into the dungeon.
Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
Come on, Al.
Can't you let the little guy out?
Geez, Leela, twice in one day?
I'm not Superman.
(CHEERING)
Why were you sneaking into my people's Forbidden Valley?
'Cause I think Alcazar's hiding something from you.
Listen, Leela, you may not like it.
You may not believe it or want to hear it.
But Alcazar's a jerk. He's bad for you. He...
- I know. - You do?
Fry, if it's obvious to you with your learning disability
then, of course, it's obvious to me.
He's crude and gross, and he treats me like a slave.
Then dump his one-eyed ass.
I can't.
If I leave Alcazar that's the end of the cyclops race.
And I won't let that happen,
even if it means a lifetime of unhappiness.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
ALCAZAR: Leela, mop up in aisle number two.
(ALCAZAR'S FRIENDS CHEERING)
I'll break up with him at dinner.
I'll be there.
Yo, Leela, what gives?
Pig says your slop tastes like crap.
Yeah, like crap. (SNORTS)
Come on, Leela.
You deserve better than this guy. Dump him already.
I'm trying.
Hey, everyone, jam a sock in your spit faucets.
Not long ago, I spent my lonely nights
renting slasher flicks with Ratman and his girlfriend.
But then a beautiful woman arrived...
Stop eating, Pig!
...and she brought new hope for me and our once-great civilization.
Now, a million centuries of cyclops destiny
depend on the answer to one question.
Leela, will you marry me?
No. No.
Yes, I will!
Oh!
They're getting married.
Congratulations, Leela.
- Glad you could make it. - It's a magical day.
Welcome!
Psst, Leela! You've got to get me out of here.
It's horrible. Eating scraps,
letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in a zoo.
Animals go in the corner.
The corner. Why didn't I think of that?
Look, Fry, I'd like to help you
but it's my wedding, and I'm kind of busy.
Here. Try to be happy for me.
That way, at least one of us will be.
That's it.
It's time for this bird to walk.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(GASPS)
Ow!
(BENDER GROANS)
Bender! Come on, we've got to get some dirt on Alcazar.
Let's go find out what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden.
Uh, no thanks. I'm good.
But there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal.
I don't know, Fry.
For the first time in my life, I feel like
I've stolen enough.
Bender, snap out of it.
(EXCLAIMS)
Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
Let's go!
(SINGING) I love stealin'
I love takin' things
(YAWNS)
(PLAYS HERE COMES THE BRIDE)
(SNIFFLES)
That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me.
FRY: Come on, boy, jump!
Good boy.
BENDER: Whoa, mittens.
(BENDER GASPS)
FRY: My god!
Four identical castles.
Each more identical than the last.
That's weird. It's another cyclops.
Only this one has five eyes.
And here's another one with no eyes.
Does anyone have a reason why this couple
shall not be joined
in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss?
Saving a race of one-eyed monsters?
Who could object to that?
Cut to the chase, preach.
Do you, Alcazar, take this woman... (SPEAKING RAPIDLY)
...in sickness, to love, death, part?
Yeah, sure, I do. Come on, faster!
Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response
till death do you part?
I...
(SCREECHING)
(ALL GASPING)
- Oh, my god. - (OINKS)
- What the... - Hey, Alcazar,
you left somebody off the guest list.
(PANTING)
Alcazar!
Why you are so late for our wedding?
And why you have only one eye?
It's... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Oh.
Uh... Hey, sweetie.
Just go back to the castle and wait for me.
She... She's nuts.
I can morph into a five-eyed alien and I kind of said I'd marry her.
But I'm really a cyclops and I'm really going to marry you.
Oh, yeah? Then what about this?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
This is a bit awkward.
- Who's she? - Who's she?
Who are they?
Go back to the castle, Sandy.
And maybe you'd like to meet her
and her.
(MUMBLING)
This... (CHUCKLES)
Leela...
This must all be very confusing.
A little.
That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it.
(GRUNTING)
Show us your real form.
- Yeah! - Do it!
Well, this is the real me, but I can explain.
We all have needs.
Mine was to make it with five weirdos
and have them scrub my five castles.
I gave you all what you wanted
and, of course, I made a few bucks
letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror.
Can any of you say you wouldn't have done
the exact same thing in my position?
(SNIFFLES)
He's a saint.
But why did you have all five weddings on the same day?
Hey, lady, you got any idea what it costs to rent a tux that changes shape?
All right, Alcazar.
- I just have one last question for you. - What's that?
If you could change form
why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?
(ALL CHEERING)
(BENDER HUMMING)
Thanks for saving me from that creep, Fry.
Hey, that's what I do.
I guess I was so desperate to find out who I really was
I forgot who I really was.
No harm done.
In the many decades you'll work to repay me
for that shipment of popcorn you destroyed
you'll have plenty of time to search for your true home.
Yeah.
I mean, how many planets can there be?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)