(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Finally, the last form of the day.
Welcome to Stampytown, population five.
And now for the finishing touch.
The cycle of bureaucracy.
Sweet gorilla of Manila! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy.
"Attention, Hermes Conrad.
"You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy."
My God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!
I'm having a poker game tonight with some friends from my old cryogenics job.
You guys interested?
I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
- I'll play. - I'm in!
Leela, Fry, Robot.
No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available.
We're playing poker.
But I'm warning you my friends are serious players.
Bah! Big shots.
I say let the dice do the talking.
(HUMMING)
Wow, you look happy. Is someone fired?
Better. The Central Bureaucracy is conducting an inspection tomorrow.
I will finally be promoted to Grade 35, the 35th highest Grade there is.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
Hermes, wait. We're having a poker party.
Stay and whip off a batch of your famous jerk dip.
Sorry. I spent all day putting my office in order.
Now I got to go home and relax the traditional Jamaican way.
A glass of warm milk and a good night's sleep.
Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer space potato man.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ah, that must be my old boss.
- Hello, Leela. You're fired. - I know.
I'm sorry, but it's just that you're over a year late for work at this point.
Let the games begin!
So I told Leela, "Your request for a date is most flattering, but I must decline.
"These office romances never work out.
"After all, that is how I met my horrible wife."
(ALL LAUGHING)
BENDER: That's a good one.
But you never wore your ring. I didn't know you had a wife.
And my wife doesn't know I have a job.
I keep my personal and professional life separate.
Come on, let's deal.
You'll have plenty of time to talk when you're poor.
What's with the specs, Bender?
They're my lucky shades.
I stole them off some lucky guy
while his lucky seeing eye dog was taking a whiz.
Huh?
(CHEWING)
Hey!
I can't spell anything with these cards.
(BENDER VOCALIZING)
Finally, I have a good claw. See?
Three human females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.
(SIGHS) It doesn't matter how many human females you have.
Bender's on a hot streak.
Eh, what can I say? Must be my lucky shades.
- (LAUGHS) - (SHADES BEEPING)
BENDER: Nothing. Nothing.
Crap. Crap. Garbage.
Read 'em and leak saltwater.
(ALL GROANING)
My baby's milk money!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
I am broke.
What will I tell my horrible wife?
If I were you I'd be more worried
about that tapeworm going to town on your intestines.
Let me see those glasses.
(COUGHS) Um... ah...
Oh, my various gods, X-ray specs!
Guys, I swear those are prescription.
I need them for reading stuff... On the other side of stuff.
- You cheater. - Break his neck!
No, don't hurt him. He's my best friend.
BENDER: Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with X-ray glasses, would you?
(THUDDING)
(BENDER GRUNTS) Easy on the arm!
Oh, my ass!
(BENDER GRUNTING) Ow!
(HERMES VOCALIZING)
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)
(GASPS) Great cow of Moscow!
Uh... it was ghosts. Big ones.
And a tornado.
(CRYING) I'll never pass inspection now.
They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick at carnival time.
And that's as low as limbo sticks get.
Aw, hey, come on, don't worry. We'll watch you clean up.
It's too late.
The inspector will be here in exactly one second.
Who the hell are you?
Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat, Grade 19.
Hermes Conrad, Bureaucrat, Grade 36.
Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection?
This way, please.
Hermes, you seem awfully calm about this.
Don't worry. I have a plan.
I'm going to jump!
ALL: No! No!
Do a flip!
Don't do it, Hermes! You have so much to live for!
I get it. Reverse psychology.
Please, old friend, don't jump.
Use another method that won't damage your liver.
- Other people need it, you know. - (TIRES SCREECHING)
Husband, no!
Out of my way, wife!
I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat anyway.
I'm only anal 78.36% of the time.
I'm not worthy to stamp a form
so I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby body.
Bureaucrat Conrad,
if you complete your death transaction
without filing a suicide and/or falling accident permit
you will be posthumously demoted.
Life, death...
Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle.
(SHIVERING)
Sweet something of someplace.
As your superior, I hereby relieve you of duty.
Consider yourself on paid vacation.
(YELPS) The ultimate penalty.
I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the sauna planet.
- Here, read. - Spa 5? Is it good?
Oh, it's wonderful. I don't know anything about it,
but they give me a bucket of krill for every patient I send.
Naturally, I'll have to assign
a bureaucrat to fill in for Hermes while he's away.
I assign me. I accept. Welcome aboard.
Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah!
I've been reviewing your corporate records.
Regarding last Monday's delivery,
why did it take twice as long as scheduled?
Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
(GROANS) I thought it would fit.
And during this period of head-crater interaction, what were you doing?
Martini drinking contest with the autopilot.
I would have had him this time, but we ran out of olives.
I can explain.
You really think you can explain how you left port
without a full complement of olives? I think not.
- What is this, high school? - Locker check.
Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical order?
- What? - The zipper.
It should be at the bottom.
Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.
(FLIES BUZZING)
(STAMMERING) I've never seen anything like this.
- Why is there yogurt in this cap? - I can explain that.
See, it used to be milk, and, well, time makes fools of us all.
You are all dismissed.
Fry, I will speak to you alone.
(GASPS)
(BEEPING)
Uh, wait. This is the other Fry's locker. I'm Fry with a P-H.
Admit it, Fry, you're a slob.
Mmm.
A dirty, filthy slob.
Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty!
What the hell's going on?
I thought you were anti-dirty, not pro-dirty.
I'm surrounded by neat freaks every day.
There's nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slop jock like you.
Oh, stop.
(BOTH MOANING)
Now listen, you filthy pig, no one can know about us.
- If anyone asks, I'll deny it. - Just like every other girl I've dated.
And two, and three, and four, and, come on, work those arms.
(GRUNTING)
This is no spa. It's a forced labor camp.
Curse that Dr. Zoidberg. If I get out of here,
he'll be looking down the business end of a shrimp fork.
Give him one for me, too, mate. I don't know why I go to him.
- (LASER GUN FIRES) - WOMAN: I don't miss twice, campers.
And for those six and a half reasons I am demoting Leela to copilot.
"Copilot"? Under who?
- The autopilot. - That drunk?
(LAUGHS)
Mr. Bender, you are now in charge of coordinating
the professor's bodily functions.
- Ahh! - That's a full-time job.
And, Fry, as for you,
I am promoting you to executive delivery boy.
You will no longer go on deliveries
and you will have your own office next to mine.
All right!
Mr. Bender, would you high-five him so that we can continue this meeting?
And on the rebound?
Ow!
Meeting adjourned.
(BURPS)
I can't figure out why she's so nice to you, Fry.
She's a hateful monster, this Morgan.
She scolded and hit me.
I tell you, she's risking my friendship with her.
Bender! What happened to you?
Morgan made me walk the professor.
There we were in the park when suddenly, some old lady says I stole her purse.
I chucked the professor at her
but she kept coming, so I had to hit her with this purse I found.
The point is, it's Morgan's fault.
That pencil-pushing scaz-wag.
Why, if she were here, I'd...
Is she behind me?
MORGAN: No, I'm in front of you.
(SCREECHES)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Morgan? It's 3:00 a.m.
I know. A skunk knocked over my garbage
and suddenly, all I could think of was you.
My God. It's so repulsive.
So, this is where you eat?
Eat and sleep.
Oh, Fry!
Uh, wait! Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second.
Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the professor's ear wax.
Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with... (GASPS)
What the...
Oh, now I see. Now I get it.
Now the pieces are falling into place.
The office, the promotion,
that dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions.
It's all coming together now.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - I must say this opens my eyes.
Another case closed, my dear Watson.
Morgan, come back. He's stuck in a loop.
For I was blind but now I see.
The cat's out of the bag now.
Mr. Bender, about last night, that was just a misunderstanding.
You didn't understand? Well, let me explain.
You were having sex with you.
No, you see, a bureaucrat of my rank isn't supposed to fraternize.
That's what makes it so juicy.
It's a forbidden fruit angle everybody loves.
First I'll say, "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it."
And they'll say, "Who, Bender, who?"
And I'll say, "It was lovable old Bender."
- Hey, what did you do to him? - I downloaded his brain.
Everything that is Bender is right here.
His mind, his memories... His in-your-face interface.
I am Bender. Please insert girder.
But, Bender need brain for smart making.
What did you do now? Stop doing things.
I sent the disk to be filed at the Central Bureaucracy.
I did what I had to do, Fry. He was a bad robot.
No, he was a bad friend. I want him back right now.
Then you should have filed a request 20 years ago.
Grr! I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy.
Dirty boy!
You and Morgan were having an affair?
I couldn't help it.
She loved me because of the part of me that's a slob.
I loved her because of the part of me that's desperate.
I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Poor Bender.
Without his brain he's become all quiet and helpful.
We've got to go to the Central Bureaucracy and get that disk back.
- Yes, we must. - Yeah.
Why?
Well, those arguments aside, we're still going.
You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy.
It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations.
I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad
just trying to find the washroom there.
Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's been there before.
I've been there. Lots of times.
(LAUGHS CRAZILY)
Look at that. The carts go out full, but they come in empty.
- It's criminally inefficient. - Quiet, mate.
Pulling the empty carts is the closest thing we get to sleep.
But don't ya see?
They could increase efficiency 4% if they used the empty carts
to bring in heavy mining machinery.
Hey, I like the way you think.
(GROANS)
Oh, Lord.
You know, you ought to be a bureaucrat or something.
Man, how long is this going to take?
I'm still waiting on my birth certificate.
Well, it doesn't look like I'll make it inside with the rest of you.
But good luck. Just leave me where I drop.
Oh, great. Someone had a baby.
Come on. I have a better idea.
Excuse me. We're from the Planet Express delivery company.
We're here to deliver a robot.
I am Bender.
Please insert girder.
(LAUGHS) Looks like we've got a new office cutup.
Look out!
I'm going to crash my slow-mobile. I had to swerve to avoid you.
While you're crashing could you tell us where all these canisters end up?
Oh, you want Central Filing.
- Okay. - Thank you.
- Thanks. - Wonderful.
MAN: No!
Central Filing? Of course I know where that is.
- I'm a Grade 20. - Where is it?
I can't tell you. What do I look like? A Grade 16? (SNORT LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) We're getting nowhere slowly.
Here. I'll address this to the Central Filing room.
Then we'll track it with my wrist LoJack-a-mater.
(AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING) Cold.
Warmer.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
(SNORES)
Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping.
This is it. We'll just run in, grab Bender's disk, and run out. Got it?
(ALL AGREEING)
(ALL GASP)
We'll never find that disk, will we, Bender?
I am Bender. Please insert girder.
You're right. Nothing is over as long as there's one thin ray of hope.
Lost something?
I should have known you'd come here rather than follow proper procedure.
And I did know, and that's why I came here.
Listen, Morgan, we're through.
You're an evil, heartless woman and I never want to see you again.
However, would you help us get Bender back for old times' sake?
I'm afraid he's lost in the master in-pile.
And it would take some sort of giant
mechanical atomic-powered sorting machine to find him.
MAN: You rang?
Damn it, Hermes, just jump already. Stop hogging that healthy liver.
No, I want to live.
Organizing that forced-labor spa rekindled my lifelong love of Bureaucracy.
My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently
that all the physical labor is now done by a single Australian man.
But how did you know we were here?
Dr. Zoidberg brought us.
It was me. I'm the hero.
- (PLANE ROARING) - (GASPS)
Request for explanation of incident meeting.
(ALL GASPING)
- Number one point zero. - Number one point zero.
I hereby petition you
for an emergency sort-and-file under regulation two-point...
(ADMONISHES) Don't quote me regulations.
I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation
to revise the color of the book that regulation's in.
We kept it gray.
Sir, please. I must locate the disk with my friend's brain on it.
Very well. But your bureaucratic license will be revoked
if you fail to sort the master in-pile by closing time.
1:00 p.m.
That's only four minutes from now.
Requisition me a beat.
(CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) When I was four there was A hurricane in Kingston town
With a foot and a half of water
Everyone was all right, But I cried all night
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order
And they said this boy's born To be a bureaucrat
Born to be all obsessive and snotty
I made my friends and relations
File long applications
To get into my tenth birthday party
But something changed When my man turned pro
I was sorting but I wasn't smiling
He forgot that it's not About badges and ranks
It's supposed to be about the filing
People
We didn't choose to be bureaucrats
No, that's what almighty Jah made us
We'd treat people like swine And make 'em stand in line
Even if nobody paid us
They say the world looks down On the bureaucrats
They say we're anal compulsive and weird
But when push comes to shove You've got to do what you love
Even if it's not a good idea
Zoidberg!
They said I probably Shouldn't be a surgeon
They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter
They said I probably Shouldn't fly with just one eye
I am Bender Please insert girder
Everybody sing Jamaica
Jamaica
Just the bureaucrats Jamaica
Just the Grade 19s
Jamaica
Sing me home
When push comes to shove You've got to do what you love
Even if it's not a good idea
I'm Bender, baby!
Please insert liquor!
(ALL CHEERING)
- Congratulations. - Way to go.
Congratulations indeed.
But you finished with two seconds to spare so I'm demoting you.
A good bureaucrat never finishes early.
That's okay, Hermes. At least we have you back.
MORGAN: Not yet, you don't.
I'm still acting bureaucrat of Planet Express
and I have some changes to make.
First, Fry, you're fired. Second...
Not so fast.
While I was sorting
I came upon a certain document filed by one Morgan Proctor.
Form "B."
Notification of romantic entanglement.
That's right. She fraternized me.
That form isn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date.
It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment.
Yes, but you only stamped it four times.
(BUREAUCRATS GASP)
No, no. I was young and reckless.
Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct.
The best kind of correct.
I hereby promote you to Grade 37.
And as for you. Guards.
Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away.
Well, it looks like I'll be needing my heroic bureaucrat back.
At severely reduced pay, of course.
(ALL CHEERING)
It's better than nothing.
What about me? Can I come back at severely reduced pay?
You got it, mon. In fact, severely reduced pay all around.
(ALL CHEERING)
Come on, wife. Let's blow this joint.
Now it's time for my song.
(SINGING) When I was two There was a tidal wave in...
Aw...
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)