Mmm. Spider... Hubble...
Nitro...
Ooh! Big Pink!
It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
All right, sergeant, $100 worth of Pixy Stix and porno mags
with your five percent military discount comes to $95.
That'll be 40 cents.
I believe you're forgetting about our five percent military discount.
- What's only for people in the military. - What?
This is the worst kind of discrimination...
the kind against me.
All right, look, our policy is
if for any reason you're not completely satisfied,
I hate you.
- Hey, fellas... - Whoa!
Okay, now I'm mad.
Full price for gum?
That dog won't hunt, monsignor.
Hello.
We're here because we, uh...
love our planet.
Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards
Just out of curiosity... we can use the cards to buy gum
then immediately quit the army, right?
Playing you all for chumps?
Correct. There's no obligation.
Unless of course... war were declared.
What's that?
War were declared.
Now, be careful, Fry,
and if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart
to gain their courage...
Their rich, tasty courage.
I don't want you to worry about your jobs
while you're away.
That's why I'm firing you now.
I want to enlist.
My friends always die if I'm not there to save them.
Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only policy.
- What? - It's shameful, I agree.
In the olden days, I proudly fought alongside female troops
shoulder to, uh... shoulder.
Alas, after a series of deadly blunders
caused by distracting low-cut fatigues
and lots of harmless pinching
the army decided women weren't fit for service.
Not when I'm in charge.
You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.
If it's a lesson in love, watch out.
I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.
What do I call it, Kif?
Sex-lexia.
Men, you're lucky men.
Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet.
Many of you will be dying for your planet.
A few of you will be forced through a fine-meshed screen
for your planet.
They will be the luckiest of all.
Great. We're gonna die.
And this ham gum is all bones.
Now to present the logistics of our mission
the commander in chief.
Please welcome the original Gerber baby
Earth president Richard M. Nixon.
This is the brass ring, fellas.
Planet Spheron One.
Cool effect!
It's a desolate, ugly, little planet
with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value.
Questions?
Why is this godforsaken planet worth dying for?
Don't ask me. You're the one who's going to be dying.
Just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
A valid question.
We know nothing about their language
their history, or what they look like
but we can assume this...
they stand for everything we don't stand for.
Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.
They look like dorks!
I'm gonna...
What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue?
Tent got your...
Kif, write that down and send it to "Humor in Uniform."
Hmm.
Whoa! Check out that guy.
He makes speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales.
That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.
Yes. He edged out my old Mark by two seconds.
And 16 minutes.
And 12 hours.
I do plan to finish someday, Kif.
Good hustle, soldier.
Uh... Sorry, sir.
I was still in attack mode.
You know how testosterone is.
As a bubbling crock-pot of male hormones, I sure do.
What's your name, private?
Lee... la... man.
La-man.
Lemon!
Lee Lemon, sir.
Lemon, you're a man's man.
You're a man's man's man.
And more importantly
your hand, while firm and masculine
is soft as a velvet child.
What lotion do you use?
Pert 'n' Popular, sir.
Roger that.
Kif, get me ten cases of Pert 'n' Popular.
What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?
Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows.
Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen
in all my years of service.
That young man fills me with hope...
and some other emotions that are weird and...
deeply confusing me.
Ew!
Hello.
Mmm. Now that's a nice Rose.
So, anyway, we open up the panda crate
and wouldn't you know it, the damn thing's dead.
Upchucked its bamboo.
True story.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
That's whatever-you-were-talking-about for you.
- Mind if we sit with you? - Uh... Hey.
Why the hell would I? We're all guys here.
Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.
Good point. I guess.
You're my kind of soldier, Lemon...
a foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-belly pile of ugly muscle.
So, any of you fellas got a special lady back home?
Well, I sort have a thing for this girl I work with.
Really?
What type is she?
You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops?
Cyclops.
Aw! She sounds sweet.
But sweet girls aren't for you, eh?
You hard-fightin', hard-fartin', ugly, ugly son of a...
- Stop! Stop flattering me. - Ten-hut!
Well, if it isn't Lee Lemon,
the flaming star of Brannigan's Rough Rangers.
Say, Lemon, do you like to read?
I just got a great book on tape.
It's about life in ancient Greece and...
Sir, the alarm. I think I better...
Shh. Don't talk. Just go.
We are now in position above Spheron One.
This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.
And now for the battle plan.
As you all know
the key to victory is the element of surprise.
Surprise!
It's creepy here.
This is the worst part...
the calm before the battle.
And then the battle's not so bad?
Right. I forgot about the battle.
What's happening?
Holy shoot! Looky!
The enemy, they're balls!
Charge your gun, Fry!
Oh, right.
Watch where you're shooting, private. You spooked Felicity.
There, there, boy.
- Give this to my son. - You got it.
Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives.
Hey, I think your son might also like those boots.
Cover us, buddy!
You got the only wounded up positron shooter.
Fry, you emu-bellied coward!
- Ah! - Oh!
Bender, no!
If they put me on a stamp
tell them to use the young Bender.
Incoming wounded.
All personnel report to operating tent four.
Repeat, four.
I mean, five.
Repeat, four.
Are you ready to operate, doctor?
I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.
I kid.
Scalpel.
Blood bucket.
Priest.
Next patient!
Geez, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone.
He has twice the training you do.
Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.
See? This is how it starts...
first with the jokes then comes the heavy stuff.
When will the killing end?
Look at this sissy, Kif.
While others were fighting and dying pointlessly
he was hiding in a hole
wallowing in a pool of his own cowardice.
That wasn't cowardice.
I'm de-promoting you, soldier.
Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?
Being your assistant.
Wrong. Being your assistant.
Private Fry, you shall henceforth serve as Kif's assistant.
That doesn't sound too bad.
You'll speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm!
I'm afraid he's gone.
Doc, I ain't dead.
Excuse me. I believe I'm the doctor.
Believe it all you want. That won't make it true.
This isn't a war. It's a murder.
Bender, old buddy, hang in there.
Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen
since my mirror got grease on it.
I hereby order that in Bender's honor
he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.
Slow down there, Starsky.
I'm up to something here.
I want this robot fixed...
fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election.
Damn bean-eating war hero.
Are you ready to operate, doctor?
I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.
That's my joke.
I'll kill you!
Prewar scotch.
Welcome, lieutenant Bender.
You're looking sharp.
I got wheels with clickety clackers.
Damn it, Kif, where's the little umbrella?
That's what makes it a scotch on the rocks.
Actually, sir...
Make me a new one.
Use a brush, you dunderhead and mix these mixed nuts.
I see two almonds touching.
Now listen here, Bender.
This war is in danger of going all quagmire on me.
So, I'm sending you on one last mission.
Hot diggity daffodil!
- A mission of peace. - Oh!
You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders,
the Brain Balls.
They've got a lot of brains
and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
Accompanying you will be our top peace negotiator...
Henry Kissinger.
- How are you? - Is he any good?
Looking like that he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed.
'Nuff said.
I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
A little lower.
Lower.
A lot lower.
Too low!
Lower.
I'm walkin' on sunshine
Oh, oh, oh
Private Lemon... no need to leave.
My stall just became free.
Maybe you should put on a towel, sir.
Right.
I'm about to try the new lotion you recommended.
If I should accidentally put too much on my hands
perhaps I could rub it onto you.
Brannigan!
My God, cover yourself.
I didn't live a thousand years
and travel a quadrillion miles
to look at another man's gizmo.
Sorry, Mr. President.
I didn't realize.
Kif, raise him up about nipple high.
Come on, Brannigan, stuff yourself into a uniform.
We've got to get off this planet before the bomb goes off.
Bomb?
What bomb?
The one we had the doctors implant
in that gullible Bender robot.
Mmm.
Zapp. Zapp!
Inspect the troops later.
It's time to activate the bomb.
Now as for economic cooperation...
Oh! Excuse me.
Attention...
all personnel evacuate the planet immediately.
And not just becauseit's meat loaf night.
Come along, Lemon, before this whole dump blows up.
Uh, Commander...
could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?
Of course, my significant soldier.
The bomb is voice activated.
It will detonate the instant
the robot unwittingly speaks a certain word.
What's the word... Sir?
It's the one word the robot uses more than any other.
We got it from this convenient database
of his ten most frequently used words.
Number ten, chump.
Number nine, chumpette.
Number eight, yours.
Number seven, up.
Number six, pimpmobile.
Number five, bite.
Number four, my.
Number three, shiny.
Number two, daffodil.
And Bender's number one most frequently uttered word
the word which, if uttered, will blow up this entire planet...
Ass.
We don't have long.
We demand bouncing, followed by rolling,
followed by rolling of the third type.
Say what?
My chair's too hard.
It's a real pain in the...
What do you call it?
Lower back.
Yeah, that whole region.
Okay. I got to break down that gate
beat up those three guards, steal that chopper
and rescue Bender.
Hey, I did it.
Wait, that's not me.
Come on, we got to save Bender.
You want to save him, too, Lemon?
You barely know him.
Fry, don't you recognize me?
Hermes?
Lee... when will I see you again?
The two of you are... good friends?
But I thought we would be... good friends.
Well, let's see how friendly you get when you're sharing a prison cell.
Hey, Zapp.
- Leela! - Leela.
So it's you I've been attracted to.
Oh, God, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
Let's do it again sometime.
The elders tell of a young ball much like you.
He bounced three meters in the air.
Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air.
Then, he bounced four meters in the air.
Do I make myself clear?
Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story.
These balls are making me testy!
If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling
I swear I'm going to shove this treaty up their...
Wait a second.
Where do you shove things up a ball?
This isn't a productive area of discussion.
We're here.
I followed the bouncing balls.
I'll keep the chopper at a safe altitude while you parachute down.
Okay.
My best friend's life is at stake.
I can finally prove that I'm not a coward.
Will you push me?
I already did.
Thank you!
At last... war has made me into a man.
Whee!
Please, gentlemen
we must put an end to the bloodshed.
We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
We cannot condone bouncing of the seventh variety.
Enough of this crap!
I'm catching the next pimpmobile out of here
but before I go, I have one thing to say.
Bite my shiny... metal...
Stop! You can't say the next word.
Up yours, chump.
I said it 906 times before lunch.
Bender, if you say the "a" word
you'll blow this whole planet straight to the "h" word.
Young man... you have the bravery of a hero
and breath as fresh as a summer ham.
What? What is funny?
Bender's got the upper hand now.
The name of the game is make Bender happy
or he blows up the planet!
I'd rather die and take everybody with me
than sit here one more minute
and listen to these idiots talk about bouncing.
Please, stay calm.
There's no need to bounce off the handle.
That's it, I'm saying it!
- "A" is for a... - Wait!
Stop. We give in to all of Earth's demands.
The war is over.
Our home planet is yours.
All right!
Hey, wait a minute.
This is your home planet?
We're the evil invading aliens?
Correct.
Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson.
Don't mess with Earth.
May you bounce in peace.
Get the hell off my planet.
Well, that's it.
Let's reactivate him.
Wake up!
Hey, chumps and chumpettes.
Did you get the bomb out?
Can I go back to saying the word I love to say?
I'm sorry, but we couldn't remove it.
It's stuck in there with glue or something.
I don't know.
Well, this is just great.
What's the point of living if I can't say ass?
Hey, I didn't blow up!
Ass!
All right! I'm back in the saddle.
We couldn't disarm the bomb
so we reset the word that triggers it.
It's from the list of words you almost never say.
That's using your ass.
So what's the word?
We think it's better if you don't know.
Oh, come on.
I'm not going to say it. Please?
- Is it "please"? - Nope.
Hmm. Words I never say.
Oh, I know. "Thanks."
Bender, stop trying to destroy the world.
Wait. Is it "sorry"? No.
"Funderful"?
"Non-alcoholic"?
- Stop it, mon. - Quit it.
"Compassion"? "Shrimp toast"?
"Antiquing"?
I'm all right.