(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
In what has become a winter tradition,
members of the Zarlon Seven Polar Bear Club
today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.
(ALL CHEERING)
There were no survivors.
(LAUGHING)
Takes all kinds.
And now, with his annual Xmas message,
here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council,
the Head of Walter Cronkite.
Season's Warnings, Linda and Morbo.
This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle?
In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season,
we too often underestimate that murderous brute,
better known as Santa Claus.
With images of last year's Gingerbread Massacre
freshly baked into our memories,
I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets,
and lock your children in the closet.
This is Walter Cronkite saying, "I told you so."
(HAMMERING)
Sacred Boar of Western and Eastern Samoa,
we've got to secure for Santa's arrival.
Just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show.
(ALL STRAINING)
Cover that fireplace, confound you.
I've only a few years to live. I don't wanna spend them dead.
We're pushing as hard as we can.
Oh, pushing.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, we're doomed. Every year we're doomed.
Thanks be I had these bulletproof shutters installed.
(ELECTRONIC BLEEPS)
(CLANGING)
(SCREAMS)
(ELECTRONIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS)
Bring it on, Santa.
That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us
as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
- Good! - All right!
In a related matter, you'll be delivering
this sack of children's letters directly to Santa
at his Death Fortress on Neptune.
(CLANGING)
These letters are real butt nutters. Listen to this one.
"Dear Santa..."
Please, please don't bring me any gifts.
The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun
really tore up my insides.
Awful. Let's read some more.
"Dear Santa..."
Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa.
You choked him with a chestnut last year,
and he's beginning to smell a lot like Xmas, if you know what I mean.
(CHAIR CREAKING)
It's not fair.
In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart.
Sure, but who’s gonna do anything about it? Certainly not us, no sir.
Certainly yes us, uh-huh, sir.
We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember.
Fry's right.
It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard.
(MACHINE GUNFIRE)
(DOG BARKING)
Oh, look, a cute little welcoming party.
(COUGHS)
Hey, wanna buy a tiny little kidney?
I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Uh, look, we've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves?
We're not elves. We're Neptunians.
We're just shrimpy because he doesn't feed us.
You hit me. You owe me a dollar.
(DOGS GROWLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Help. You got any food, old tea bags, chewed gum, apple cores?
Come on, we're starving here.
But you live in a gingerbread house.
Hey, it's food or shelter, not both.
You lazy runts. Don't you get paid for making the toys?
- Who said toys? - Toys?
- You said toys? - What did they say?
False alarm, folks.
There's no reason to make toys since Santa judges everyone to be naughty.
That's it. I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney.
- Where is he? - There, in his ice fortress.
(LIGHTENING CRACKING)
We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?
I'll help you.
Ah, phooey.
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
(BUZZING)
(BARKING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- An omen? - Dinner.
(CRACKING)
(DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER)
Let's see who’s been naughty and who’s been naughty.
(CRYING OUT)
Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money.
Very naughty.
Shopkeeper's not paying the protection money.
Exactly as naughty.
(SNIFFS)
I saw that.
Huh?
We brought your mail.
Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching.
I get New Orleans on this thing, you know?
Don't kill us.
(RUSTLING)
Santa's a robot.
So we should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox.
Bender, you'd better cover your ears.
(CLOTH RIPPING)
Holy night! Intruders!
Hold it, Santa.
(VOCALIZING)
Consider this, you are programmed to destroy the naughty.
But many of those you destroy are, in fact, nice.
I submit to you that you are naughty,
and that logically you must destroy yourself.
(BLUBBERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
(YELLING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(BEEP)
(BEEPING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Wait. This is what we're running from.
Faster. Faster.
ALL: Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
(BEEPING)
Why aren't we moving?
I don't know.
Usually when I do stuff like this, the ship moves.
Ho, ho.
(MUMBLING)
He's trapped.
ALL: Hooray!
(CLANKS)
Now we can make toys again.
Toys! Toys! Toys!
And I can deliver them. Billions and billions in one night.
Ha! No human could do all that.
Evel Knievel could.
Nuh-uh.
Santa's right. We need some sort of robot.
Ah, crap. I'm some sort of robot.
ALL: Hooray!
Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't built to yuletide specifications.
Oh, yeah? Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either,
but that didn't stop me.
- Bender. - Bow before your new Santa.
ALL: Our hero.
We are free and fairly sober With so many toys to build
The machines are kind of tricky
Probably someone will be killed But we gladly work for nothing
Which is good Because we don't intend to pay
The elves are back to work today, Hooray!
We have just a couple hours
To make several billion gifts And the labor isn't easy
Then you'll all work triple shifts
You can make the job go quicker
If you turn up the controls To super speed
It's back to work on Xmas eve
Hooray!
And though you're cold And sore and ugly
Your pride will mask the pain
Let my happy smile warm your hearts
There's a toy lodged in my brain
We are getting awfully tired And we can't work any faster
And we're very, very sorry
Why, you selfish little bastards
Do you want the kids to think
That Santa's just a crummy Empty-handed jerk?
- Ow! - Sorry.
Then shut your yaps and back to work
Now it's very nearly Xmas And we've done the best we could
These toy soldiers are poorly painted
And they're made from inferior wood
I should give you all a beating But I really have to fly
If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye
Now it's back into our tenements To drown ourselves in rye
You did the best you could, I guess And some of these gorillas are okay
- (ALL CHEERING) - We're adequate.
The elves have rescued Xmas day! Hooray!
Gee, Bender, how are you gonna get through these bars?
I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend 'em?
Okay.
Ow!
Mommy, Mommy. Santa's through the perimeter.
This is it, kids. Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer.
No, wait. I'm the good Santa.
I've got toys. At very reasonable prices.
Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies, and the uncle of all tricks.
But I come bearing Tri-Ominos.
Go for the shins!
Ahh!
Ow, ow, ow!
(CLANKING)
Oh...
One down.
Well, hello there, handsome.
Won't ya have a cookie?
Don't mind if I do.
Ow!
Ow! What's in these things?
Why don't you slip into something more fiery.
Ahh! Whoa! Ow!
Ow.
Yo, Kringle. What happened to you, dog?
Oh, it's awful, Kwanza-Bot. Everyone hates me.
At least they understand you, you know what I'm sayin'?
Ain't nobody down with this Kwanza tiff.
Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand with these deliveries?
No time. I gotta hand out the traditional Kwanza Book.
(SIGHS DEJECTEDLY)
I've been giving these out for 647 years.
Ah, bathtub eggnog, just the way Grandma used to drink.
Ew! It went sour.
Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
Remember, Professor. Bender is Santa.
So we don't need to hurt him, right?
Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3.
(CLANGING THUD)
Ho, ho...
Ow!
Professor, don't you remember what I told you?
No!
(COCKS RIFLE AND FIRES)
Oh...
Oh, there's got to be a better way.
Bender, you’re a genius.
(LAUGHS DIABOLICALLY)
This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty. (SNORTS)
Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present.
It's Santa. And we got him cornered.
Oh, I smell a juicy promotion for me.
And a juicy re-hiring back onto the force for me.
(GULPING) Ah, Wh-What?
This Xmas day session of court will come to order.
The Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.
Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead?
- Not Santa. - There he is again.
Now Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box,
but 'taint no need to fear me.
- (CLUCKS LOUDLY) - (SHRIEKS)
I'm sorry. I thought you was corn.
Now, would you please point at that robot over there?
(HUSHED CHATTER)
No further questions.
(TWEETING)
Daddy done good, huh?
Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?
Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
And yet you haven't said what I told you to say.
How can any of us trust you?
(WAILING)
Quit badgering the witness.
Badger? Where?
(CLUCKING IN FEAR)
Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise waiting for me at my mansion,
I find the defendant guilty.
(ALL GASP)
Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown.
(BENDER GROANS)
It's not fair. I just hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
(CROWING)
Deactivated robot walking. We got a deactivated robot walking here.
Hey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm a-comin'.
- Hey, that guy said to tell you that... - I heard him.
Greetings, masters. My companion and I made lots of toys.
Out of my way, shrimp-o.
We're here to bring Santa back so we can prove Bender's innocent.
(BUZZING)
Do what you will, but we'll see who has the last "Ho."
(ALL STRAINING)
- There. - Oh no. The ice is melting.
The pollution from the factory. It caused a greenhouse effect.
That would explain this heat.
And your breezy short shorts.
Uh, yeah, that would explain it.
(YELLS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
SANTA: Oh!
Hurry. We've got to think of another way to save Bender, or Xmas will be ruined.
Especially for Bender.
Look out, Earth.
I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
(LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY)
Ah, good old Maggie.
When I pull the switch,
these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb,
killing you in the most humane possible manner.
But Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
It is for the witnesses because it's not boring.
The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed.
Oh.
Ten. Three.
Twelve.
- Three again. - Stop the execution.
- Leela. - Fifteen.
- Negative eight. - You've got the wrong Santa.
And I'll prove it.
I'm Santa Claus.
(ALL GASP)
What? Twenty-seven.
No. I'm Santa Claus.
- Six? - We're also Santa Claus.
And I'm his friend, Jesus.
Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.
You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots.
Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus?
Hey. Zero.
(BUZZING)
No. Stop the magnet.
(VOICE VIBRATING) Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low
This is horrible.
But it's not boring.
Ho, ho, ho.
(ALL SCREAMING)
My God, the real Santa. Get him, Jesus!
I help those who help themselves.
- (GUNFIRE) - (EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)
Santa, you saved my life. Please don't kill me.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
I'm not here to kill you, Bender.
I need you to help me save Xmas.
Gee whiz, Santa.
You want me to help you?
Don't do it. He's evil.
I know he is, but I have no choice.
I'm running late, and if I don't complete my brutal rampage,
well, it just wouldn't be Xmas.
I guess what I'm asking is,
Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
Well...
'Tis the season.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
My hair!
My wedding cake!
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
Let it snow.
Merry Xmas, kids.
Ahh!
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
(SIRENS BLARING)
This wangs chung.
After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever.
- No heat. - No power.
Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.
Wait a second. Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
What are you talking about, you crouton? You said it yourself.
Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
But don't you see? Fear has brought us together.
That's the magic of Xmas.
That's a big crock of...
Hold me.
On, Trasher! On, Smasher!
Hey, Kwanza-Bot. Where you off to?
You didn't hear about it?
Chanukah Zombie's having a luau at the B’nai Brith. You coming?
Word.
By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation
for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's nothing in here.
Oh, it might appear empty, but the message is clear.
Play Santa again and I'll kill you next year.
Ahhh!
Ho, ho, ho.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)