(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(HUMMING)
- (EXPLOSION) - (SCREAMING)
- (ALARM WHOOPING) - LEELA: (GASPING) Space pirates!
- Space pirates? - You know, pirates! But in space!
(SCREAMING, GASPING)
Avast, mateys! Electronically transfer your space doubloons
afore I send thee to Davy Jarg's locker.
- (SNORING) - (BANGING)
(GROWLING) Hey! Keep it down, you kids!
I'm tryin' to take a nap!
- FRY: Come on. Come on! - (ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
(VIDEO GAME WARBLING)
(GRUMBLING) Make Bender take a nap in a tube!
Come back when I've had some sleep, baby.
(ELECTRONIC TWEETING, CANNONS BOOMING)
Fry to battle stations! Fire torpedo number three!
Firing torpedo number three.
- (BANGING, WHIRRING) - (WHIMPERING)
(SCREAMING)
That's not torpedo three! That's not torpedo three at all.
Damn you, Fry and Lee...
La! (SCREAMING)
Too late I realize that me children are me only real treasures.
Help! Mechanical man overboard!
Go after him, Leela!
It's no use. We were going full speed when we fired him.
So he's going even faster than that!
You mean, we can never catch up to him?
Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?
I don't know how to say this, Fry.
But Bender is doomed to drift through space. Forever.
(SNIFFLING) He always wanted to drift forever.
But through the American Southwest!
I'm going too fast! I've got to lose momentum!
(GRUNTING)
Wh... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(GRUNTING)
Aw, I'm gonna spend eternity alone, with barely any swag!
Ooh!
Hey, universe! Check out the dude with the Rolex!
Wow! Ostentatious.
Except, what good is a candelabra without...
Wait! I know!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, the pity! Fated to drift forever through the void as gravity's plaything.
Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned!
Ask not for whom the bone bones,
it bones for thee!
- (MUSIC CONTINUES) - The only thing that keeps me sane
is the thought that I have all eternity
in which to perfect my art.
- (DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING) - Ow!
(MELODIC, THEN DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Aah! Damn you!
Doh! (GRUNTS, GROANS)
(METALLIC CLICKING)
(GRUNTING) There!
Now, when I'm found in a million years,
people will know what the score was.
- (CLANKING) - Aah! Ooh, they...
Hey! What's bombarding me?
Ooh! Gee! Ow! Oh, no!
An asteroid field! If even a pea-sized asteroid
were to whiz through my skull it could... Ow...
Hurt slightly. (GRUNTING)
Well, that was fun. Now, for eons of loneliness.
- (SMALL VOICES CHATTERING) - Huh?
(SERVO MOTOR BUZZING)
Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him that hath taken us unto his breast!
- (GASPING, CHATTERING) - Holy frijoles!
All bow before the great Metal Lord!
BENDER: Worshippers? This oughta liven up my endless, tragic voyage!
(LAUGHING FIENDISHLY)
- All hail the Metal Lord! - So hailed!
Mm. Those peewees think I'm God, huh? Hard to blame 'em.
(WHIMPERING, CRYING)
I am the Metal Lord. Who are you?
I am called Malachi, Lord.
It means, um, "He who really loves the Metal Lord."
Listen here, Malachi. Time for a religious donation.
- Hand over your wallet! - But Lord, we are a poor and simple folk.
Poor? Aw, crap.
(SERVOS BUZZING)
MALACHI: Pity me not, for I am richened by the love of my family.
What art thou doing, Malachi Jr.?
I'm practicing to hug Daddy when he gets back from God.
Mm. Mm!
Ugh! Gag unto me with a spoon.
Malachi? It's high time I laid down a few commandments.
You got a chisel? Take this down. (CLEARS THROAT)
- Number one... - Behold, the one commandment.
BENDER: Make it a double!
- (LOUD SNIFFING) - Can you find him, professor?
No! I'm afraid the smell-a-scope isn't powerful enough.
Bender's odor is so mild, it's being overpowered by local sources.
Hooray! People are paying attention to me.
Fry? We brought someone to cheer you up.
His name is Helper, and he's eager to be your new best friend.
Hello there, chum! I understand you miss your buddy.
- Have a pudding pop! - No thanks. I don't...
- Who wants to go to an amusement park? - Well, I guess that sounds okay.
Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back.
What? Really?
No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.
(GEARS RATTLING, SPRINGS SNAPPING)
(STRAUSS' THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)
- (DRIPPING) - (GAGGING)
Whoo! Microbrewed. My guys did all right.
I think I'll make my countenance to shine down upon them.
(STRAINING)
Malachi, good work! There's no slowin' down with the Metal Lord tonight!
Yes, tonight is kind of special.
Wait a second. Did you rip off your own arm as a joke?
Nay. Like most of your followers,
I was maimed building the great brewery.
(MOANING)
Others died from the pestilent fumes it spewed forth.
And, of course, the liquor industry attracted organized crime.
- (CARS APPROACHING) - (GASPS)
(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)
Aw, it's all my fault!
Malachi, tell thy people
that the Lord is moved by their plight. (SOBS)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
- (GRUNTING) - ALL: Ooh!
Malachi, Jr.! No!
Daddy? I can't hold much longer.
My arms are tired from hugging.
Save him! Save my son, oh, Metal Lord!
This looks like a job for God.
(GASPING, CHATTERING)
What the... Malachi, what manner of deal is this, with the chanting?
They saw you save my son.
Now, everyone is praying for their own miracles.
(SIGHS) Very well. What do they want?
The people of that village pray for wealth.
(HINGE CREAKING)
(VILLAGERS SCREAMING)
(UNEASY MUTTERING)
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING) That was a... Practice miracle.
- Who's next? - (PRAYING, BESEECHING)
MALACHI: The farmers pray for sunlight,
so their barley might make a more refreshing beer
for today's God on the go.
Very well. Let there be light!
(HEAVY DOORS SLAMMING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
- (CRYING) - I got it! I got it!
- (WIND ROARING) - (SCREAMING)
Um, when you're writin' the Bible, you might want to omit that last miracle.
(SIGHS) He decided not to let go.
I can't believe you're gone.
I won't! If I can't reach you physically,
I'll just have to try something desperate and crazy.
(CHOIR SINGING)
So that's my story, Father Changstein El-Gamahl.
Is there anything religion can do to help me find my friend?
Well, we could join together in prayer.
Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we can do?
-No.
Sure, I hold séance, channel your friend. No problem.
- Insert coin. - (JINGLING)
(MOANING)
(SPEAKING ROBOTICALLY) I am your friend... Bonder.
Bonder? Is it really you?
Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy ten dollars.
Wait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder!
It's Bender! You're a fraud!
Look, you want false hope or not?
Only if you don't have any real hope.
Well, there is perhaps one way.
Have you heard of the Monks of Deshuba?
- I've not heard of them. - They are an ancient order
that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space.
They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope,
high in the Himalayas, to search for him.
You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender?
What am I, psychic? I mean... Yes!
Yes, I'm... I'm sure they will. Yes.
(STRAUSS' BLUE DANUBE PLAYING)
MALACHI: Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer!
Ugh. Yes, Malachi, what is it this time?
My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you.
They say their prayers go unheeded.
Of course they're unheeded.
How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?
They talk of war against the faithful.
I beseech thee. Rise up against them.
Smite someone who deserves it for once.
(SIGHS) Malachi, every time I interfere, I only make things worse.
You're best off solving your own problems.
But... But Metal Lord...
What part of "nay" "doethn't" thou understand?
Sir, I'm outfitting an expedition to a monastery high in the Himalayas.
I'll need a long-sleeved coat.
Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do,
but you can't bring him back this way.
It's hopeless.
You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless.
You gotta hope even more.
And cover your ears and go, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"Blah, blah, blah." (SHOUTING) I'd also like a pack mule!
(SHOUTING) At once, sir!
(BRAYING)
Well, you obviously won't listen to reason.
So I guess I'll listen to idiotic-ness and come with you.
- But we'll need a Sherpa to guide us. - (MAN CRYING OUT)
Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page.
Looks like society's runnin' pretty well without my meddling...
- (ENGINES ROARING) - D... Doh!
Atomic bombs? Oh, no! Those unbelievers from my backside
- must have found my nuclear pile! - Fear not, my Lord.
- We shall be with you soon! - You're with me now!
This is the maximum level of being with me.
We will solve our own problems as you commanded.
The time has come to convert the unbelievers!
- Convert them? - To radioactive vapor!
Aah! Hey... Aah!
Look, Daddy. I'm hugging God.
Mm. Mm.
Maybe if I hug him real hard,
he'll save us from...
(SCREAMING)
Oh, it tickles! (LAUGHING)
Oh, uh... (CONTINUES LAUGHING) Aw, oh.
BENDER: Hello? Is anyone still alive?
How 'bout in the porno theater?
Don't be embarrassed. (GASPS) They're dead.
All dead! Who would have known playing God
could have such terrible consequences?
(SOBBING)
- (WIND ROARING) - (BRAYING)
Fry! If I drop dead from exhaustion,
make sure my body freezes in a dignified position!
None of that "huddled over for warmth" crap.
(GRUNTING, PANTING)
- (GASPING) - Behold!
The Monastery of Deshuba.
I must leave you now, for I am not holy enough to enter.
Okay. (BELCHES, SPITS)
Looks rickety. We better test it.
- (SLAPS) - (BRAYS)
(MOTOR HUMMING)
WOMAN'S RECORDED VOICE: Welcome to our monastery.
Please stand to one side to let faster pilgrims by.
(TAPPING)
(CRYING)
- (BEEPING) - (CRYING STOPS)
Hey! That galaxy's signaling in binary!
I gotta signal back!
But I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is.
- You speak English? - (DEEP, MALE VOICE) I do now.
Whoa-whoa, whoa!
(WHIMPERING) Oh.
What are you? Some kind of galactic computer?
Possible. I am user-friendly, my good chum.
- Who built you? - I have always been.
Oh, my God! Are you... God?
Possible. I do feel compassion for all living things,
- my good chum. - But why would God think in binary?
Unless... You're not God,
but the remains of a computerized space probe
- that collided with God! - That seems probable.
(MOTOR GRINDING)
- (ELECTRONIC TWITTERING) - A member of our brotherhood
sits at these controls every hour of every day,
scanning the heavens for God.
- (BUZZING) - There he is!
No. No, wait. No.
- How long have you been at it? - 700 years.
We've not yet examined one ten-millionth of the sky.
But we will go on until we find the Almighty.
Even if it takes to the end of time.
- And then what? - Then, we utter unto him a short prayer.
You see, the telescope is also an amplifying transmitter.
Sorta like a giant karaoke machine?
Not really. Would you like to see our giant karaoke machine?
Not really.
Mm. Finding God, that's important, yeah.
But you know what might be a treat for everyone?
If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend, Bender.
I... I don't know what to say.
Other than, "Absolutely not."
Your loss is a tragedy, but our work...
Ah! Come on! You guys have forever to look for God.
All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend!
He speaks out of love for his friend.
Perhaps that love in his heart... Is God.
Oh, how convenient. A theory about God
that doesn't require looking through a telescope.
Get back to work!
That telescope is as much mine as anybody's.
I'm using it whether you give me permission or not.
(KARATE YELLS)
Hy-ahh! Your order may be famous for your martial arts,
but I've never met a holy man I couldn't clobber!
Actually, we only practice martial arts as a form of meditation.
We are a strictly nonviolent sect.
Oh. Then get in the laundry room, or I'll kick your butts!
Oh, this is the worst crazy sect I've ever been in.
BENDER: So, do you know what I'm gonna do before I do it?
- Yes. - What if I do something different?
- Then I don't know that. - Cool! Cool.
I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh?
(SIGHS) Yes, but there are so many, asking so much.
After a while, you just sort of tune it out.
- You know, I was God once. - Yes, I saw.
You were doing well until everyone died.
It was awful. I tried helping them.
I tried not helping them. But in the end, I couldn't do them any good.
Do you think what I did was wrong?
Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.
Yeah, I know. That's why I asked if what I did...
- Oh, forget it! - Bender, being God isn't easy.
If you do too much, people get dependent on you.
And if you do nothing, they lose hope.
You have to use a light touch,
like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.
Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing.
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
Does that mean you wouldn't send me back to Earth?
- Even if I prayed to you? - Earth? Which way is that?
I don't know.
FRY: Bender? Bender!
- (POUNDING) - MONK: Let us out!
We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them!
Now we're bored!
(BEEPING, BUZZING)
Hello? Has anyone out there seen Bender?
(GRUFF VOICE) No! Quit asking!
Fry, it's been three days.
And even if you stay here the rest of your life,
there is virtually no chance of finding him.
- It's time to give up. - (SIGHS) You're right.
I'm never gonna see him again. (SNIFFLES)
I know he was evil.
And on more than one occasion, he...
He actually stole my blood!
- (BALL SPINS) - But still...
(SOBBING) I wish I had Bender back!
(BEEPING, WARBLING)
(FRY'S VOICE) Wish I had Bender back.
- Huh? - (SNORING) Hey... What?
- You say something? - N... No. No.
Well, so long. Remember what we talked about.
(GASPING, SCREAMING)
Whoa!
(WHISTLING, DESCENDING IN TONE)
- (GASPS) - (SCREAMS)
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!
Bender! It's a miracle!
- (HISSING) - Aah!
This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.
Guys! You'll never believe what happened!
First, I was God. Then I met God.
We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks!
Oh, no! The monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room!
Aw, do we have to? I mean, they're monks.
I'm sure their God will let them out.
- Or at least give them more shoes to eat. - BENDER: Fat chance!
You can't count on God for jack!
He pretty much told me so himself.
Now, come on! If we don't save those monks, no one will!
(CHUCKLING)
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)