(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes. Good thing I noticed the similar shapes.
HERMES: Planet Express stockholders, I present our Chief Executive Officer,
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth! - Oh?
- (CHEERING) There he is! - Take it off!
- W... Where am I? - Move forward! Walk into the light!
Oh, God! I'm dead!
Well, no matter.
Thank you all for coming. I don't recognize any of you,
nor can I recall why I am here.
Now, without further ado,
a film highlighting Planet Express, Inc.'s
- latest fiscal year. - (APPLAUSE)
MAN: (NARRATING) Planet Express is on the move!
For this hip, young delivery company,
tomorrow is today, and today is yesterday.
You heard me.
It was a year of soaring profits,
and significant one-time losses.
Psst! Watching myself work is making me hungry.
Help me find some food somewhere.
I'll not only help you find it, I'll help you do more to it.
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING) - (GIGGLES)
Ooh, a bot-mitzvah! Shalom hunger.
Shalom free food.
- No shellfish! - (HIGH-PITCHED YELP) That is so unfair.
(SNORT) Tell me about it.
- (KLEZMER MUSIC PLAYING) - (PARTYERS CHATTERING)
So, what's the deal? You guys don't believe in Robot-Jesus?
We believe he was built, and that he was a very well-programmed robot.
But he wasn't our Messiah.
NARRATOR: And so our company flames onwards.
Planet Express! Limitless potential, boundless horizons!
The unstoppable juggernaut of the corporate universe!
It's been a terrible year, people.
The company is on the verge of bankruptcy.
- (COLLECTIVE GASP) Oh, no. - But the movie...
- Was a substantial loss for the company. - (POINTER BEEPS)
The blue pie slice represents the money we earned from shipping packages,
while the green slice represents an $8.00 bank error in our favor.
This toads the wet sprocket.
What about our thousands of shares of stock?
Worthless.
- I'll kill you! - I own one share of Planet Kajigger,
so I'm entitled to some answers.
Question one: Why does no one visit me in my home?
'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip and cat pee!
FRY: (GASPS) This is perfect for me!
Question. Do you have to have been cryogenically frozen to get the free...
(GROANS) You didn't let me finish!
I was going to say "to get the free food!"
(VORACIOUS MUNCHING)
- My name's Joe, and I'm a defrostee. - GROUP: Hello, Joe.
When I was frozen, giant carrots ruled the Earth.
But now they don't. It takes some getting used to.
Back in the 1980s, I was the toast of Wall Street.
I was havin' whiskey with Boesky and cookies with Milken.
But then, I was diagnosed with terminal bone-itis.
Bone-itis? (SPUTTERING LAUGH)
That's a funny name for a horrible disease.
There was no cure at the time.
One drug company was close, but I arranged
a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets.
Made a cool hundred mil. (LAUGHS, COUGHS)
Naturally, I froze myself until a cure was found.
And now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top,
'80s-style.
As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I faced different challenges.
The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum.
(SYMPATHETIC MURMURS)
Hey, buddy, I'm from the same time as you.
- Remember that song, "Safety Dance"? - Sure do.
We can dance Dun-dun, dun-dun
Dun-dun-dun, dun-dun Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun...
(BOTH LAUGH)
You know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was.
I tell ya, two go-go '80s Reaganauts like us,
- we could rule this world! - No question.
If only someone would give us a shot.
They're scared of our raw power. Oh, but if you want a job,
I could beg everyone at the company where I work.
Awesome. Awesome to the max!
And finally, the post office meter is for business mail only.
Ah, come on! I've got a lot of ransom notes to send!
Enough talk! It's time for action!
I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat.
- Second. - I move that your cat stinks and is ugly.
- Second. - I move that we vote on
a new chief executive officer and oust this old creep!
And also that my cat smells good and is pretty.
Second.
Very well. I nominate the professor!
- ALL: Second. - I'm your man!
I vote my 10,000 shares for the professor.
- Yeah, the professor! - Me?
I nominate that guy! Not just because he has a suit,
but because he knows about business and stuff, and he has a tie.
(ALL MURMURING)
My shares still count if they went through the washing machine, right?
Well, if I know anything about which number is bigger than the other number,
I'd say...
Now, hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger.
Forty thousand? How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us?
Scruffy believes in this company. (SNIFFLES)
Then we have a tie, and in the event of a tie
the professor, as current C.E.O., remains...
I demand the floor! I may only have one share,
but I get to vote, same as anyone.
And I'm voting against the cat hater!
- Isn't that right, kitty? - (MEOWS)
- Hey! You ate my change! - (CAT JINGLING)
Then it's settled. The new chief executive officer
of Planet Express Corporation is...
That Guy!
Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun, Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun...
Please welcome our new Chief Executive Officer, That Guy!
Yay! Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people, sheep and sharks.
Anyone who's a sheep is fired.
- Who's a sheep? - ZOIDBERG: Uh, excuse me.
Which is the one people like to hug?
Gutsy question. You're a shark.
Sharks are winners, and they don't look back, 'cause they don't have necks.
Necks are for sheep.
I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks,
and I am gonna lead you to the top in this industry of... Of...
- (WHISPERS) Package delivery. - Package delivery?
Oh, God! Fantastic!
Now, the first order of business
is to blame everything on the guy before me.
- Professor? - I'll ruin you like I ruined this company!
Terrific. Question number one...
What was your overall business plan?
(STAMMERING) Business plan, uh, yes.
I keep it here, right next to my heart.
This isn't a business plan. It's an escape plan.
So long, suckers!
(GIGGLING)
Fry, as a fellow '80s dollar jockey,
- I'm makin' you my new vice chairman. - Wahoo!
I'm rollin' up the corporate ramp! (CHORTLES)
- ZOIDBERG: It's the end of the line. - We're ruined!
What fevered dream is this that bids to tear this company in twain?
(GRAVELLY VOICE) Thank you. Come again.
That's what I call a hostile makeover.
Hair gel?
No, thanks. I make my own. (GREASE SQUISHING)
- (SIGNAL TWITTERS, DINGS) - (PEDESTRIANS WHIRRING)
This company's gonna shoot straight to the top
and stay there, like Cyndi Lauper.
I ask you, who is the number one delivery service on Earth?
- Is it Planet Express, master? - (LAUGHS)
Is this guy a shark or what?
Seriously, though, we stink out loud.
Here's the big Enchirito...
Mom's Friendly Delivery Company.
We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil.
- Ours is small and neutral. - Switzerland is small and neutral.
We're more like Germany... Ambitious and misunderstood.
Look, everyone wants to be like Germany.
But do we really have the pure strength of will?
I say we do!
Now, are we gonna let ourselves get beaten by an old lady?
- Yes, my liege. - No, we're not!
And as vice chairman, I believe I speak for the entire board
when I issue this challenge to Mom!
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING) Look at my butt! Whooooo! (GLASS SQUEAKING)
- Whooo, whoo, whoo, whoo! - You call that a pressed ham?
- Walt, hit the retaliate button! - (RAZZING CONTINUES)
(HEMMING, HAWING) Oh, let's see.
Any button! They all retaliate!
- (PANEL TWITTERING) - (ARM WHIRRING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
- (CHEERING) - (BELL RINGS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROWLING) (HOWLING)
Whoo! Yeah! Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em!
(LAUGHS) Now, this is the high life,
watching apes mangle each other near celebrities.
In my day, we went to coke parties, but the principle's the same.
(APE GRUNTING)
Get your stinkin' trike off me, you damn, dirty ape!
Listen, big guy. Now that you're my protégé,
it's time I cut you in on the secret to success.
- Any guesses? - Uh, work really, really hard?
- No. - Oh, thank God!
It's all about appearances.
That's why it's time to update our company's stodgy image
and give it the sleek, dazzling veneer
of the 1980s!
(SNORING)
(STARTLED GASPS)
This company's on the fast track to the "It List." Blast fax kudos all around!
Uh, hello? We haven't made one delivery since you two took over.
Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business.
Image, people! Image! Scope out this new ad!
MOM: (ECHOING) We are all one, with one mind,
one purpose, one pact.
Our enemy shall be eaten by scorpions.
And we shall bow down and worship to ourselves.
(YELLS)
We shall prevail!
Hey, we were watching that!
That was terrible! People won't even know what we do.
I don't even know what we do. Nah, just kiddin'. (CHUCKLES)
What are we, like a bus or somethin'?
Did you approve that awful ad, Fry?
Yes, I did, Leels, and I'll tell you why.
Because it grows the brand.
- Oh, Lord. - (GROWLS)
This company's circling the drain, I tell you!
I'd sell my stock right now for a sandwich.
Sold!
A complete sandwich?
(LAUGHS) You got fleeced.
I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside. (SLURPING)
What is this moose drip?
"The New Delivery Kings?"
I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts.
- But they're kings, Mommy. - Jam a bastard in it, you crap!
ALL: Ow!
Enjoy our private dining room, folks.
This is where we serve our richest,
- most successful chumps. - Tonight, that's us.
What have you got that's really overpriced?
Everything.
Bring me that.
Make it two. And a glass of all your water.
Okay, let's work on your execu-speak.
I'm worried about "blank."
Don't you worry about "blank." Let me worry about "blank."
Good. I also would have accepted,
"Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!"
(CLEARING THROAT)
(GASPS) What a pleasant surprise.
Shut up, booger blaster! It's time the three of us had a talk.
I'll handle this, Fry. You get back to the farm,
shift some paradigms, revolutionize outside the box.
I'm on it. But if you need me, you know where I'll be.
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING, GROANING) Okay.
Call me a booger blaster. I'll blast a booger so hard that...
Fry, we're worried about Planet Express.
Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about "blank."
That guy is nothin' but a flashy con man,
and you've been hypnotized by his swingin' baloney.
- You've changed, Fry. - What? I haven't changed.
- (INTERCOM TWITTERS) - Suz, have I changed?
- No, sir, Mister Fry. - Thanks, doll.
I don't care what Ms. Johnson says.
That Guy's turning this place into some kind of "business."
This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more as a source of cheap labor.
- Like a family. - You're right, Professor.
We may not be a traditional family like the Murphys next door
or the lesbian coven across the street, but we are a family.
And That Guy understands that.
Everyone's fired, and we're out of business.
- (COLLECTIVE GASP) - AMY: Oh, no!
I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom,
so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out,
'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!
Uh, Ms. Johnson? Please bring in some more chair fuel.
I had no idea the company would be sold!
I was just an innocent suck-up! You've got to believe me!
Just leave us alone, and let us clear out our lockers.
Yeah! (CHUCKLES)
(SOBBING) It's so sad.
Where will I go? What will I do?
You have Mrs. Darlinghaven's cotillion at 7:00, ma'am.
(SOBBING) Oh, that'll be fun.
(SIGHS)
Ms. Johnson, you've never lied to me.
- Am I still a good person? - I don't know, sir.
I'm a program built into the intercom.
I've got to redeem myself.
Somehow, some time, for some reason,
I'll block this takeover!
Mr. Fry, your two o'clock magician is here.
Believe it or not, I have more important things to do today
than laugh and clap my hands.
Reschedule.
(TRADERS CHATTERING)
- (CLACKING) - Sell 100 soylent beans!
- Buy 3,000 corn bellies! - Two hundred cans Whoop-Ass!
- Three big bags of trash! - MAN: Attention, please.
The takeover of PlanEx Corp by Mom's Delivery Company
will take place in the business center in ten minutes.
(BELLOWS) I am Jor-El, Master of Scheduling!
Okay. We got the hot tub hot, the wine coolers cool.
- It's "Hammer" time! - (BOOING)
You suck!
According to regulations, both companies must approve the takeover.
Planet Express shareholders, cast your votes.
Great banda of Uganda! We can vote against it!
(LAUGHING)
I'll vote it down like a raise for schoolteachers!
- BENDER: What the... - (GASPING)
I neglected to mention that the shares
I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control.
Zoidberg owned 51 percent of the company?
The shares were worthless, and he kept askin' for toilet paper!
And now, if MomCorp shareholders will cast their ballots.
Um, uhh.
(TWITTERS) (BUZZER BUZZING)
Uhh! The ballot was confusing!
- How about a hand recount? - Okay. Ow!
The takeover of Planet Express is approved!
- (BOOING) - Ah, man!
- This stinks! - Madam is outraged!
Security! I want that bunch of rowdies out of here!
(COMMOTION)
(SNORING)
MomCorp will now purchase all outstanding shares of Planet Express
at the current market price, which is...
(SCREEN BEEPS) 107!
(GRUNTING)
Whoa! Ow!
And also, it hurt my feelings!
What are you solids griping about?
Your shares are worth $107 apiece.
They are? Oh, my God! I'm a millionaire!
Suddenly, I have an opinion about the capital gains tax!
- Yeah! All right! - I'm even richer!
(GROANS) I have no shares!
(SOBS) Wait! My sandwich!
Has it also appreciated in value? Please, oh, please!
You didn't even refrigerate it, you spineless lobster!
You had to drag spines into this!
(SOBS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
As vice chairman of Planet Express, I'd like to say a few words.
There comes a time for every man who becomes rich and deserts his friends,
when he goes back how it was.
For me, that time is now.
So I ask you, as a friend... Won't you stop this deal?
Fry, I'm an '80s guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks
I beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas.
The deal will go ahead as...
(PAINED CRY, SQUISHING SOUNDS)
(SQUISHING CONTINUES)
- My bones! - (GASPS)
Oh, my God! His bone-itis!
I was so busy bein' an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it!
(BONES CRACKING)
My only regret is... That I have... Bone-itis.
- (CRACKING, SQUISHING) - He's dead!
(GASPING, MURMURING)
Pry out his fillings, feed him to the jackals,
- and let's get on with the sale! - I don't think so.
Because as vice chairman of the company, I gain voting control of his shares.
- Don't be a fool, you idiot! - I'll be whatever I want to do!
That Guy was the greatest businessman that ever lived.
And before his mysterious death, he taught me everything he knew.
- (SIGN TWITTERS) - But some things I had to learn myself.
- (TWITTERING) - I learned that money is fine,
- but in the end, what counts is people. - (TWITTERING CONTINUES)
People you love. You can't put a price on that.
And so I'm giving up control of the company
to a man of enormous experience,
Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
(SNORING) O... Oh, you! Wh... What?
I'm awake! I'm awake!
(DIGITS CLANKING)
Fry! Stop doin' the right thing, you jerk!
Let Mom buy the company! We all want to be filthy, stinking rich!
Trust me. Two out of three doesn't cut it.
You mean, you'd rather be rich than work together?
- Hell yeah! - In my whole life,
this company was the only place I ever really felt at home.
But if being millionaires is more important to you than our...
It is!
...friendship, then I'll sell Planet Express... For you.
Millionaires, nothing!
The stock's only worth three kajiggers!
- Ah, come on! - (GROANING)
My Jah! It's worth less now than when it was worthless!
It is? Yahoo!
We're poor no matter what I do! The deal is off!
- (BEEPS) - (TWITTERING, RINGING)
Ah-ha! Once again, the conservative sandwich-heavy portfolio
pays off for the hungry investor!
(SLURPS, GULPS)
Oh, I'm ruined! (SOBS)
Why? Why?
Look, so we're not millionaires.
At least we all still get to work together.
- (ALL GRUMBLING) - Shut your fat mouth.
See you guys Monday!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)