(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry.
The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.
I know. And I've grown to accept that.
Now I'm more interested in that new pizza parlor across the street.
Kinda makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy.
"Here's your pizza!" I'd say. "I didn't order any!" they'd say.
And then I'd be off to my next adventure.
That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars.
(SNAPS)
LEELA: I think the owner is from Signas-Five.
Signoids? On our block?
Fi and foo! They should go back where they came from!
Professor, please!
Society's never gonna make any progress
until we all learn to pretend to like each other.
Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
No!
You sure about these chairs?
Guidebooks says human legs bend down at knee.
It's okay, Mama.
Anyone-a complains, I bend legs up for free!
Ooh! Customers!
Welcome to Earth Pizza Store!
Here, sit! I bend the knees for you.
Ooh, that's comfy.
Okay, now, what kind of pizza goes in you?
Silt? Asbestos? We got guano, very fresh.
Uh... Mmm. Do you have any food?
Here, try a deep-a dish a-pizza. Contains-a four kind-a things.
BOTH: Ugh!
I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.
- Thank you! - No, actually,
I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.
(BOTH YELLING IN FICTITIOUS LANGUAGE)
(BOTH WAIL LOUDLY)
Hey, hey, what's wrong? Was it something Leela said?
We come-a to Earth to start new life, raise fat, spoiled Earth kids,
hang many underwear from Earth clothesline,
live Earthican dream.
(BOTH CONTINUE WAILING)
Aw, don't cry, foreign people. I used to work in a pizzeria.
And as soon as I stop hallucinating and blasting puke,
I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza, Earth-style.
Oh, thank you, magic biped!
You save us-a, sir.
If we cannot-a make Earth Pizza our dream will die.
Just like rats we crushed to make the wine.
For starters, only use quality ingredients.
Case in point? No more live bees.
(BUZZING)
Oregano works equally well.
And when you put pizzas in the oven, don't get in with them.
Hey! Ocupado!
Most important of all, is the big screen TV.
Human families need a TV while they're eating,
so they don't have to talk to each other.
Ah, the Earthican pastime.
Blernsball!
(CROWD CHEERING)
BOB UECKER: Mulligan drives the ball.
It's going...going and caught by the shortstop.
Mets lose again.
Man, I haven't seen play this bad since the days of Bob Uecker.
This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching.
Mets? Short-a-stoppa? Pinching the hitter?
I don't understand this Blerns-a-ball.
Well, if you're gonna be Earthicans, we'll have to teach you.
How about your pizzeria plays a game against Planet Express?
- Oh, but you'll need nine players. - No problem.
(SHOUTING IN FICTITIOUS LANGUAGE)
Play the ball!
(DOG BARKING)
(ALL SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
Go, team! Beat those no-good Signoids!
Show them they stink in a game they've never played before!
Ah, this is-a why I love Earth-a.
Beautiful star-brightened day, friendly Blernsball game with chum pals.
So pleasant for everybody.
(GRUNTS) Oh!
Hit by a pitch. Take your base.
(GASPS) Sorry about that! I guess I needed a few more warm-up pitches.
(GROANS)
No batter! No batter!
- No batter anymore. - Take your base.
I didn't mean to hit you! I have some trouble with depth perception.
Yeah. Me too, now.
Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter...
- Duck! - Take your base.
Please, lady! I want to live. Can I use bat to protect head? Ow!
Apparently not.
(LAUGHS) Check out the one-eyed bean machine!
(GROANING)
Hooray! I make a score point!
Leela, you beaned a run in. You'd better let me pitch.
But I've got a no-hitter going.
(SIGHS) You're right. Here.
(CRIES OUT)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Don't take her out! She's a firecracker!
Excuse me. I'd like to talk to you.
Am I under arrest?
Wait! I know you!
You're the sleaze bag who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
Not anymore. Now, I'm the sleaze bag who owns the New New York Mets!
The Mets? Those bums are worse than me!
Close to it. But, they don't draw a crowd like you.
Which is why I want to sign ya to the team.
Oh, you mean...
I'd be the first woman ever to play major league Blernsball?
Well yeah, but basically, it'd just be a publicity stunt.
I figure a one-eyed lady skull-buster might bring out the freak show crowd.
Wow! The first woman ever to play major league Blernsball!
Again, yeah. But basically, you'd just be...
Yippee!
Ta-dah! The first woman ever to play major league Blernsball!
- How do I look? - Like a sexy Yogi Berra.
Uh, why is your number seven-eights?
All the whole numbers have been retired.
Well, I must say I'm impressed. You look just like a ball player.
- Can I pat you on the butt? - Fry, I'm a professional athlete.
So, go ahead.
Oh, now I'm too nervous.
(CROWD CHEERING)
UECKER: Well, folks, it's only the fifth inning,
but the Swedes have already turned this one into a laffer.
And that's with two "f's!"
The crowd is pouring out of the stadium L.A. style!
Skipper, we're losing the crowd. Put in our new novelty act, Leela.
(GASPS)
Nag daggit! I already put in the circus clown!
Yeah, but he bunted. Clowns are only funny when they swing away!
UECKER: Your attention, please. Now pitching for the Mets...
Turanga Leela!
A one-eyed woman.
- Hmm? - What?
Whoo-hoo! Come on! Throw like a girl!
Go! Leela! Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Too much eyeliner!
UECKER: This is history in the making, folks!
Bjornson steps up to the plate and Leela delivers.
Oh, gee!
Bull’s-eye!
UECKER: Ooh! An inauspicious start
for the career of the first woman Blernsballer!
Oh!
An inauspicious continuation
for the career of the first woman Blernsballer.
(CROWD SNICKERING)
(CHANTING) Bean! Bean! Bean!
Oh!
(CHEERING)
Ouch! It's a three bean ball salad!
The Mets fans love it, though. And who can blame them?
They haven't had much to cheer about this year. Oh!
(CHEERING)
Kid, that was great!
You got us more publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank!
Poor Tex. He was quite a shark.
(POWER DRAINING)
Hey! Hey! Oh! Come on! Sorry.
I win.
Oop! Sorry.
(POWER SURGING)
Bender, how did you get in here?
As your agent, I have access to you at all times.
Since when are you my agent?
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Quiet! Call comin' in. Yes?
A big endorsement deal for Leela? How much?
Hey! You put a one and two zeros in front of that, or we pass!
Deal!
Bender, that's great! How much did you get me?
One hundred dollars!
(IN MONOTONE) As a pitcher, I serve up plenty of bean balls.
So, I know good beans when I see them.
Bean-Bay Beans! They're the beaniest!
DIRECTOR: Cut!
(CROWD CHANTING) Bean! Bean! Bean!
UECKER: In very short order, Leela has become a fan favorite.
(SIRENS BLARING)
You're the best, babe!
- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Hang on. Call comin' in. What's that?
Hey, you put a one and two zeroes n front of that, or we pass!
- Deal! - So, what did you get me?
A thousand and one pesos.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS) - (CLAPBOARD CLACKS)
(SPEAKING FRACTURED SPANISH)
Cut! Okay. Now do one with the bean suit on.
(CROWD MURMURING)
Leela really bringin' in the customers.
This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet!
When I grow up, I want to injure men
by throwing stuff at them, just like you, Leela.
Will you sign my magazine?
Aw, sure thing, sweetie. Who should I make it out to?
Well, uh...
- to e-Bay? - That's a popular name today.
Little "E," big "B"?
Heh, heh.
Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans,
add a one and two zeroes in front of that, we got ourselves a wad!
I'm not doing this for the "wad!"
I'm doing it for all the struggling female athletes who need a role model.
Yeah, a role model for how to stink.
- Wow! - What?
- Who are you? - Jackie Anderson.
I'm on the Blernsball team at NNYU.
And I was hoping to get to play in the majors soon.
Oh, following in my footsteps.
(SCOFFS) God forbid!
Your little freak show is makin' it impossible
for real female ballplayers to be taken seriously.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
(WHIMPERS)
(SOBBING)
All right, show's over, no refunds. You heard the robot. Get out!
I'm a fool.
The fans haven't been cheering "for" me. They've been cheering "at" me.
Don't be upset, Leela.
You, uh... Well, you look really cute in your uniform.
That's what makes it so sad!
I thought I was doing something heroic!
You are! What about that little girl you visited in the hospital!
You know the one I mean. The one who died?
You're right.
I can't let people down anymore.
As God is my witness,
I vow to earn the respect of girls and women everywhere!
I will become the best Blernsball player of all time!
(CLEARS THROAT) That's statistically impossible.
In 77 innings, you haven't gotten a single out.
At this rate, you're sure to go down as the worst Blernsball player of all time.
Oh. Then I have a new vow.
I solemnly swear,
I will become "Not the worst Blernsball player of all time!"
FARNSWORTH: Oh!
Hey, look! The players who broke the various color barriers!
When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?
Ah, here we are. The worst player in history.
If I could be just a little better than him,
I can slink away with my head held high.
It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat.
And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt!
It's even a crummy hologram.
I'm not a hologram. Though I am crummy. Hank Aaron the 24th
Hank Aaron the 24th? How could you play so blow-fully?
The original Hank Aaron was great!
No, I was better than great. I was the home-run king.
- Neat! - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
So, Hank? The bad Hank? Just how blowful were you?
- Well, I had a low battin' average. - Low?
It was zero, you fungo! You went your whole career without getting a hit.
Leela can beat that.
She's pitched her whole career without getting an out!
(LAUGHS) You stink, lady!
Hey, Junior? She belongs in the exhibit instead of you!
Forget it. This job's too cushy to give up.
Ah, Wade Boggs, goes down smooth.
Look, I don't want to be in this exhibit. That's why I need your help,
so I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you.
Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota.
That guy was great! But, I'll teach you everything I know.
Okay, let's see what you can do.
One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the dead center of your brain.
You'd better get a batting helmet.
All right. Low and away.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh!
Ah...
Okay. Try it again.
But this time, keep your eye "off the ball."
You mean keep your eye "on the ball"?
Hey, lady? Which one of us is in the Hall of Fame?
Psst! You're holding the bat upside down.
Just pitch the ball.
Okay. Eye off the ball.
(GRUNTS)
- Strike! - Yeah, you did it, Leela!
Oh! I didn't hit the batter!
For once I was pitching and not just belly itching!
Oh, you got that, too? I think there's a rash goin' around.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters,
where the Mets close out a season that will rank among
mankind's most awful crimes.
Hey, you opened a franchise!
Yes! Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean Pizza!
Six kinds of beans, plus several things that look like beans.
Beans, huh?
Mmm, this is great! How do you make the crust so fizzy?
Uh, uh, uh. Ancient Signoid secret.
My husband. Some hotshot. Here's his ancient Signoid secret.
Live hornets. We smoosh them right into dough.
Look, I don't care if there's horse manure in it.
- That's-a good. - I want to buy this franchise.
How does a $100,000 sound?
Forget it-a! We come to Earth to make-a pizza, not-a money!
No, Blek! Other way around.
Oh, right. Offer accepted.
(ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game of the season into a real squeaker.
And that's with three "E's!"
Two men on, and they're down to their last out.
Come on, Skipper. It's my last chance to prove I'm not the worst player ever.
- Please put me in. - No.
We're actually winning this game!
You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind,
or when our other pitchers sneak out early to beat the traffic!
Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out there!
(CLOWN NOSE HONKS)
And not clown fundamentals!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Ah! Darn! Darn! Darn! Now the bases are loaded!
Isn't there a man on this team who can get one more out?
- I can! - I repeat.
- Isn't there a man on this... - I've been training with Hank Aaron!
You've been training with the Hank Aaron?
I've been training with a Hank Aaron.
All right, then. Get in there
and pitch like you've never pitched like you before!
UECKER: Now pitching for the Mets, Turanga Leela!
(CHANTING) Bean! Bean! Bean!
Yay, Leela!
- Go, Leela! - Put her right down the pike!
Strike him out, Leela! Do it for the hundreds of women everywhere!
CROWD: Bean! Bean! Bean!
Your attention! Now pinch-hitting for the Poindexters, Jackie Anderson.
(CROWD GROANING)
Will you look at that?
College Blernsball's finest female hitter
making her big league debut against pro ball's worst female anything?
I've never seen anything this bizarre. And I've seen Mr. Belvedere naked! Whoo!
Keep cool. She's just like any other player.
She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time.
Strike one!
(CROWD GASPS)
(GASPS) Strike one! A personal best!
Strike two!
UECKER: Remember, fans, this exciting moment
is brought to you by Month Old Franks, the hotdogs with experience.
Mmm, mmm.
(FRY GASPS)
(CROWD GASPS)
(BENDER GIGGLES)
(BELL RINGING)
(FIREWORKS WHISTLE)
(SQUEAKING)
And grand slam blern!
The Mets lose! Their season is over,
and no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach the majors,
will go down as the single worst player in the history of Blernsball.
She's taught the world that being a bum knows no gender.
And yet, tonight we have witnessed the beginning of a great career
for the first woman to play the sport well. Jackie Anderson!
(SNIFFLES)
- Leela? - Jackie.
I guess you were right. I'm a lousy role model. I'm sorry.
No, don't be. It turns out, you were an inspiration after all.
- I was? - Uh-huh.
I mean, you were so awful that women everywhere
set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you.
You know, like a pig or somethin'.
Oh. That's so kind of you. I guess I made a difference after all.
You absolutely did, Leela. Now, please. Please retire? Immediately.
Hey, kid? Catch.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time.
Yeah.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)