(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome back. Our next guest
has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years.
But apparently, my wife hasn't been listening.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Oh, funny.
I will destroy her!
And now, extend a formulated greeting to Master Chef Elzar!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
So, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?
Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice,
unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney.
Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!
(HUMMING)
Hey, what's with all the pots and pans?
- You building a wife? - Part of one.
Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends.
(WHIRRING) (HUMMING)
(HUMMING CONTINUES)
Uh, brunch. Right.
I better warn... Tell... Warn-tell the others.
Okeydokey. (HUMMING)
- Ooh. - Nice.
Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle.
I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.
Oh!
Get! For the last time, Zoidberg,
look with your eyes, not your claws.
Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch.
- (ALL GASP) - Oh, God, my tract.
He's so proud of his awful cooking.
If we don't eat it, he'll be crushed.
All right. Don't panic. If we can get to the ship,
we can fly north and hide under the polar ice caps for a few weeks.
- Good idea. - What's the holdup?
Fleeing somewhere?
(CLEARS THROAT)
With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.
In that case, brunch is served. Let's go.
Move it out. Stop crying, Leela.
(LEELA CRYING)
Zoidberg, are you coming?
Sure. Me?
Because I don't want you touching that thing.
I know that.
Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg.
(SLURPING SOUND)
- Oh! (SCREAMS) - (GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, no! Professor will hit me.
But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts.
Oh! (SCREAMS)
(GROANING) Ow. What?
Oh!
Today, I've personalized each of your meals.
For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony.
(DISGUSTED GROANS)
Come on! Eat! I slaved all day over a filthy stove.
(HUMMING)
- (GROANS) - This is terrible!
Good thing I secretly installed this wormhole in the table.
- Where does the other end come out? - You know, I'm not quite sure.
(GROANS) Dear me.
(HUMMING) (DINGS)
The pie is ready. You guys like swarms of things, right?
(CHITTERING)
Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally.
- Cuckoo! Cuckoo! - Ouch. Ouch.
- Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! - Oh! Ah! Get off of me. Stop.
How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on.
(HUMMING)
Hey, check out the palm tree.
It only gets sick when I cook brunch.
How's that for a coincidence, Professor,
with all your precious science?
(HUMMING)
Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings,
but this food actually tastes better as vomit.
It's unbearable. How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
(SOBBING) And this time I mean it!
(SIREN WAILING)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
(SQUEALING)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Aw, who am I kidding?
It was stupid of me to ever dream of becoming a chef.
I don't have what it takes, and nothing can change that!
(SOBBING)
Then it's settled. Elzar will teach me to cook.
Absolutely not!
But I watch your show. You owe me.
I owe you nothing. For starters, your antenna's in my crotch.
Also, I hate you. And finally, you can't cook for squat.
(SOBBING)
- What was the first one again? - I hate you.
- I thought that was number two. - I knocked it up a notch.
Bam!
Oh, I'll never recombobulate this ship.
When the professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca!
(SOBBING)
Wait. What would the robot do?
- Frame someone! - (DOOR OPENS)
- What up? - (SINISTER LAUGHTER)
(WATER RUNNING)
(SINGING) I'm walkin' on sunshine Hmm-mm-mm
(HUMMING) Sunshine
(HUMMING, GARGLING)
It's over. My dream of being a chef
is deader than the cat I'm sitting on.
Gus, old chum, let's give a friendly welcome to this new robo.
- What did you call me? - A robo. You know, a robot hobo.
Oh, okay. I thought you said "romo."
No offense intended, my filthy friend.
In fact, why not join us and ride the space rails?
(HORN BLARING)
Get ready. We's gonna jump off at that switching prism up ahead.
We're going nearly the speed of light, so, uh, roll when you land.
(ALL GRUNTING, SHOUTING)
Ow.
Welcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest hobo jungle in the quadrant.
Eh. I've seen bigger.
Oh, wait. I'm thinking of Eugene, Oregon.
(BOTH SNIFFING)
- Mmm! - Mmm!
Wait. A pie with hobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it?
Helmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest chef ever.
His restaurant was so high-tone,
the only way to get reservations
was to create a parallel universe where you already had reservations.
Yep. I once et there back when I what was a senator.
Yo, Spargle. If you're such a great cook, how'd you end up in this dump?
(SIGHS)
Ages ago, I was the host of a TV show
Down-home Country Kitchen With Helmut Spargle.
But one day, the Extreme Soda Company
that sponsored the show decided it was too old-fashioned.
Spargle, you're fired.
We need a chef who can attract today's younger,
more extreme cooking show viewer.
- Elzar! - Get lost, old man!
Bam!
Mein soufflé!
Elzar had been seduced by the dark side of cooking,
cilantro, mango salsa,
raspberry vinaigrette.
That twizzler!
As for me, I went temporarily insane
and wound up here, making pies out of shoes.
My story's a lot like yours,
only more interesting 'cause it involves robots.
That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being a chef too.
Interesting. You wish to cook,
but as a robot, you have no sense of taste.
Oh, it's so unfair!
I have eight other senses, but I'd trade them all,
even "smision," to be able to taste.
You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste,
your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavor.
You could become the greatest chef ever!
- I could? - Yes.
Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf.
Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands.
Bender, hear me well. I shall train you.
But first you must forget everything you know about cooking.
(WHIRRING) Done.
You're the best around
And nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the best around
And nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the best around
-Nothing's gonna everkeep you down -(GRUNTING)
Down
You're the best around
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
-You're the best around -Wow.
That's right, Ricardo.
A ship in a bottle.
What's that? Hang on. I'll look.
(GASPS)
MAN: Hola, profesor. ¿Qué pasa?
I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlor,
because one of you is a miniature shipwrecker.
(GASPS) I'm acting astonished.
Certain clues suggest that the culprit is none other than our own...
- Philip J. Fry! - (ALL GASP)
- What? - Oh, it was a brilliant scheme,
but you made one fatal mistake... Leaving this confession note!
- Fry, you scoundrel! - I don't remember any of that.
But I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.
Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials... $10.
- (GASPS) - There you go.
What have I done?
(HUMMING)
Your training is complete, little dessert spoon.
Now, just as the man who wishes to be world chess champion
must win at least one game of chess,
so must you serve at least one edible meal.
Succeed, and I shall reveal to you
the age-old secret...
(WHISPERING) Of perfect flavor.
- (ALL GASPING, MURMURING) - Oh, yeah!
- Slop's on! - Fine-lookin' eats.
(GULPS)
- It is... Acceptable. - (ALL CHEERING)
Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at.
Wait. Why'd you stop eating, master?
Because... My stomach is about to explode.
- (ALL GASPING) - What? My dinner killed you?
- Aw, man! - Oh, it hurts.
But don't lose confidence.
The important thing is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone.
And using this, you cannot fail.
Ooh, a diamond vial of Mrs. Dash?
No. It is the essence of pure flavor.
A few drops will cause the inner perfection
- of any dish to blossom forth. - (EXPLOSION)
(GROANS)
There goes my... (GROANS) Life.
(GASPS)
- (ALL GASP) - I'll avenge you, master.
I swear, in the presence of these drunken bums,
that I shall defeat Elzar!
Oh, I'm not drunk. I'm mentally ill.
But I likes what-what you said.
Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished business!
- Why, you... - (SHOUTS)
Helmut Spargle has a message for you!
He says, "Ooh, I'm dead."
Spargle, huh? What'd he do, bland himself to death?
No. He was eating some food I made,
and by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded.
Now I'm here to avenge him!
Okay, but it seems like you're the one who killed him.
Maybe so, but you are his sworn enemy.
I challenge you to a battle of the chefs!
- (GASPS) - Scandalous.
Very well. We'll meet on the ancient televised battleground
of Kitchen Coliseum.
Whose ever meal is best will claim the title of Iron Cook.
Iron Cook, eh? I can't lose. I'm 30% iron.
You're goin' down!
Uh, also, I had a reservation for one, under "Dr. Bender."
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome the superintendent of Kitchen Coliseum,
Chairman Koji!
No robot chef has ever competed here,
but today, one has barged his way in
to challenge for the title of...
(HEAVY ACCENT) Iron-a Cook-oo-ooh!
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) - Yeah, you show him!
Let's meet today's celebrity judges.
Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters, Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate.
Konnichiwa, brother.
ANNOUNCER: TV anchor-monster, Morbo.
Greetings, pathetic host.
ANNOUNCER: And a woman who ended a thousand-year galactic war
with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's head.
The secret is fresh pork.
ANNOUNCER: And now, Chairman Koji will present
the theme ingredient to be used in every dish today.
If it's chicken, chicken à la King.
If it's fish, fish à la King. If it's turkey, fish à la King.
Soylent Green-ooh!
ANNOUNCER: Soylent Green, a classic ingredient of gourmet cooking.
And the battle is on!
Aki, what's Elzar making?
Well, Hiroke-san, when I asked him,
he asked what business it was of mine
and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
In the English countryside,
many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
WOMAN: Thirty minutes to go.
(GRUNTING)
ANNOUNCER: Look at Bender roll that dough!
I've never seen such confident,
powerful strokes of the ass.
- You've never seen mine. - No, I haven't.
WOMAN: Fifteen minutes remaining.
ANNOUNCER: The Iron Cook is bringing in his signature creation,
a working pastry replica of downtown Venice.
(SINGING IN ITALIAN)
Commemorative turkey basters.
Get your commemorative turkey basters.
Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry, and I've tried everything.
Oh, right. Never mind.
Oh, the guilt. The unbearable guilt!
WOMAN: Fifteen seconds.
- Bam! - (SQUEALS)
- Ten seconds. - (GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Master Spargle, if you can hear me up there
in that ditch where I left you, this is for you.
(GONG BANGS)
Time up-ooh!
ANNOUNCER: The Iron Cook Neptunian has gone all out to please the judges.
He's even garnished the salad with $100 bills.
Let's see what they think.
(SLURPS) Mmm, Soylent Green is my kind of people.
Scrumptious! Morbo will store this in his sack for future digestion.
I'm swimming in my own soylent waste. It's a good thing.
(GONG BANGS)
ANNOUNCER: Next up, challenger Bender,
a student of the legendary Helmut Spargle.
Bender is some sort of wonderful mechanical man.
(MUFFLED GRUNTS)
Ooh, delicious.
This food looks kind of funky,
but it tastes kind of "funk-ay!"
The challenger's ugly food has shown us
that even hideous things can be sweet on the inside.
(SOBBING)
ANNOUNCER: And now, judgment.
The winner will become the new Iron Cook.
- The loser is doomed to scrub. - (INSECTS BUZZING)
Whose confection will achieve perfection?
Whose food stuff will be the good stuff?
- Challenger-er Bender-er! - (GONG BANGS)
(ALL CHEERING)
That's my robot! I own him!
You honor me, Chairman Koji.
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
Chairman-san, I came here with one goal,
to humiliate Elzar in a large stadium.
- I believe I've done that. - No question.
But the true Zen of flavor is not found in a coliseum.
It is found in a small kitchen with friends.
That is why I decline the title of Iron Cook,
and accept only the lesser title of Zinc Saucier,
which I just made up.
Also, it comes with double prize money.
(CHEERING)
Wait! Everyone must know!
- I broke the professor's bottled ship. - (AUDIENCE GASPING)
And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry.
(SOBBING)
I can never repay him his $10,
so I must take the only honorable path, what with the killing myself.
(SHOUTS)
(GASPING)
Here I go already.
- Huh? - (SHOUTS)
That sword cost 5,000 dollar!
Fry did it. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.
And that's how I defeated Elzar,
thanks to Spargle's magic liquid.
Yes, we were there. And we just finished watching it again on TV.
Hmm? Let me see that vial, Bender.
- (WHIRRING) - (GASPS)
Good Lord! According to the spectrolizer,
Spargle's magic ingredient was water, ordinary water!
- (ALL GASP) - No!
Ah!
So the real gift Spargle gave you was confidence,
the confidence to be your best.
Yes, ordinary water laced with nothing more
than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
The important thing is by my standards, I won fair and square.
Now, who wants brunch,
cooked with plenty of... Confidence?
(SHOUTS OF AFFIRMATION)
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)