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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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Welcome back.
Our next guest

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has been teaching the world
to cook for over 20 years.

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But apparently,
my wife hasn't been listening.

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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Oh, funny.

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I will destroy her!

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And now, extend a formulated greeting
to Master Chef Elzar!

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

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So, Elzar, what will you be cooking
for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?

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Morbo, I'm gonna
whip you up a nice,

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unnameable horror from beyond,
with mango chutney.

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Pathetic humans,
prepare to write down the recipe!

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(HUMMING)

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Hey, what's with
all the pots and pans?

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- You building a wife?
- Part of one.

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Meantime, I'm cooking up
a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends.

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(WHIRRING)
(HUMMING)

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(HUMMING CONTINUES)

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Uh, brunch. Right.

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I better warn... Tell...
Warn-tell the others.

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Okeydokey.
(HUMMING)

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- Ooh.
- Nice.

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Yes, it's a perfect scale model of
the universe's largest bottle.

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I put a tiny spaceship inside
to keep it from being boring.

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Oh!

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Get! For the last time,
Zoidberg,

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look with your eyes,
not your claws.

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Brace yourselves.
Bender is making us brunch.

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- (ALL GASP)
- Oh, God, my tract.

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He's so proud
of his awful cooking.

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If we don't eat it,
he'll be crushed.

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All right. Don't panic.
If we can get to the ship,

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we can fly north and hide
under the polar ice caps for a few weeks.

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- Good idea.
- What's the holdup?

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Fleeing somewhere?

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(CLEARS THROAT)

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With you blocking
the only escape route? Don't be silly.

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In that case, brunch is served.
Let's go.

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Move it out.
Stop crying, Leela.

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(LEELA CRYING)

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Zoidberg, are you coming?

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Sure. Me?

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Because I don't want
you touching that thing.

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I know that.

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Surrender your mysteries
to Zoidberg.

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(SLURPING SOUND)

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- Oh! (SCREAMS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

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Oh, no!
Professor will hit me.

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But if Zoidberg fixes it,
then perhaps gifts.

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Oh!
(SCREAMS)

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(GROANING)
Ow. What?

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Oh!

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Today, I've personalized
each of your meals.

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For example, Amy, you're cute,
so I baked you a pony.

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(DISGUSTED GROANS)

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Come on! Eat!
I slaved all day over a filthy stove.

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(HUMMING)

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- (GROANS)
- This is terrible!

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Good thing I secretly installed
this wormhole in the table.

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- Where does the other end come out?
- You know, I'm not quite sure.

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(GROANS)
Dear me.

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(HUMMING)
(DINGS)

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The pie is ready. You guys
like swarms of things, right?

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(CHITTERING)

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Casual hello.
It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally.

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- Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
- Ouch. Ouch.

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- Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
- Oh! Ah! Get off of me. Stop.

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How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg.
Do go on.

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(HUMMING)

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Hey, check out
the palm tree.

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It only gets sick
when I cook brunch.

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How's that for a coincidence,
Professor,

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with all your precious science?

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(HUMMING)

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Man, I don't wanna
hurt Bender's feelings,

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but this food actually
tastes better as vomit.

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It's unbearable. How much do you think
it would cost to get my tongue removed?

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(SOBBING)

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(SOBBING CONTINUES)

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(SOBBING)
And this time I mean it!

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(SIREN WAILING)

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(SOBBING CONTINUES)

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(SQUEALING)

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(SOBBING CONTINUES)

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Aw, who am I kidding?

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It was stupid of me
to ever dream of becoming a chef.

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I don't have what it takes,
and nothing can change that!

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(SOBBING)

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Then it's settled.
Elzar will teach me to cook.

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Absolutely not!

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But I watch your show.
You owe me.

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I owe you nothing.
For starters, your antenna's in my crotch.

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Also, I hate you.
And finally, you can't cook for squat.

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(SOBBING)

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- What was the first one again?
- I hate you.

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- I thought that was number two.
- I knocked it up a notch.

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Bam!

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Oh, I'll never recombobulate
this ship.

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When the professor finds out,
he'll tear me a new cloaca!

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(SOBBING)

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Wait. What would
the robot do?

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- Frame someone!
- (DOOR OPENS)

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- What up?
- (SINISTER LAUGHTER)

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(WATER RUNNING)

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(SINGING) I'm walkin' on sunshine
Hmm-mm-mm

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(HUMMING)
Sunshine

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(HUMMING, GARGLING)

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It's over.
My dream of being a chef

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is deader than the cat
I'm sitting on.

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Gus, old chum, let's give
a friendly welcome to this new robo.

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- What did you call me?
- A robo. You know, a robot hobo.

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Oh, okay.
I thought you said "romo."

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No offense intended,
my filthy friend.

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In fact, why not join us
and ride the space rails?

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(HORN BLARING)

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Get ready. We's gonna jump off
at that switching prism up ahead.

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We're going nearly the speed of light,
so, uh, roll when you land.

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(ALL GRUNTING, SHOUTING)

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Ow.

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Welcome to Bumbase Alpha,
the biggest hobo jungle in the quadrant.

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Eh. I've seen bigger.

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Oh, wait.
I'm thinking of Eugene, Oregon.

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(BOTH SNIFFING)

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- Mmm!
- Mmm!

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Wait. A pie with hobo-lifting aroma?
Who baked it?

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Helmut Spargle.
He used to be the greatest chef ever.

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His restaurant
was so high-tone,

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the only way
to get reservations

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was to create a parallel universe
where you already had reservations.

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Yep. I once et there
back when I what was a senator.

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Yo, Spargle. If you're such a great cook,
how'd you end up in this dump?

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(SIGHS)

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Ages ago, I was the host
of a TV show

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Down-home Country Kitchen
With Helmut Spargle.

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But one day,
the Extreme Soda Company

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that sponsored the show decided
it was too old-fashioned.

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Spargle, you're fired.

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We need a chef who can attract
today's younger,

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more extreme
cooking show viewer.

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- Elzar!
- Get lost, old man!

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Bam!

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Mein soufflé!

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Elzar had been seduced by
the dark side of cooking,

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cilantro, mango salsa,

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raspberry vinaigrette.

146
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That twizzler!

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As for me,
I went temporarily insane

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and wound up here,
making pies out of shoes.

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My story's a lot like yours,

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only more interesting
'cause it involves robots.

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That jerk Elzar ruined my dream
of being a chef too.

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Interesting.
You wish to cook,

153
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but as a robot,
you have no sense of taste.

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Oh, it's so unfair!

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I have eight other senses,
but I'd trade them all,

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even "smision,"
to be able to taste.

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You don't understand.
Without the distraction of taste,

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your mind is free to touch
the Zen of pure flavor.

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You could become
the greatest chef ever!

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- I could?
- Yes.

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Just as Beethoven
was a great composer because he was deaf.

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Or like how Rembrandt
was blind and had wooden hands.

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Bender, hear me well.
I shall train you.

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But first you must forget
everything you know about cooking.

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(WHIRRING)
Done.

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You're the best around

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And nothing's gonna ever keep you down

168
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You're the best around

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And nothing's gonna ever keep you down

170
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You're the best around

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-Nothing's gonna everkeep you down
-(GRUNTING)

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Down

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You're the best around

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Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

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-You're the best around
-Wow.

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That's right, Ricardo.

177
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A ship in a bottle.

178
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What's that?
Hang on. I'll look.

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(GASPS)

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MAN: Hola, profesor.
¿Qué pasa?

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I've gathered you all here
in the accusing parlor,

182
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because one of you
is a miniature shipwrecker.

183
00:11:33,183 --> 00:11:35,561
(GASPS)
I'm acting astonished.

184
00:11:35,686 --> 00:11:39,857
Certain clues suggest that
the culprit is none other than our own...

185
00:11:39,982 --> 00:11:42,651
- Philip J. Fry!
- (ALL GASP)

186
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- What?
- Oh, it was a brilliant scheme,

187
00:11:46,530 --> 00:11:50,659
but you made one fatal mistake...
Leaving this confession note!

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- Fry, you scoundrel!
- I don't remember any of that.

189
00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,666
But I don't have the wherewithal
to defend myself.

190
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Then I have no choice but to charge you
the full cost of the materials... $10.

191
00:12:03,714 --> 00:12:06,425
- (GASPS)
- There you go.

192
00:12:09,803 --> 00:12:12,931
What have I done?

193
00:12:13,056 --> 00:12:14,933
(HUMMING)

194
00:12:16,226 --> 00:12:19,396
Your training is complete,
little dessert spoon.

195
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:23,442
Now, just as the man who wishes
to be world chess champion

196
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,736
must win at least
one game of chess,

197
00:12:25,861 --> 00:12:29,531
so must you serve
at least one edible meal.

198
00:12:29,656 --> 00:12:32,576
Succeed,
and I shall reveal to you

199
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:34,953
the age-old secret...

200
00:12:35,078 --> 00:12:36,955
(WHISPERING)
Of perfect flavor.

201
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,541
- (ALL GASPING, MURMURING)
- Oh, yeah!

202
00:12:39,666 --> 00:12:42,836
- Slop's on!
- Fine-lookin' eats.

203
00:12:54,765 --> 00:12:55,807
(GULPS)

204
00:12:58,268 --> 00:13:02,022
- It is... Acceptable.
- (ALL CHEERING)

205
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:04,650
Yahoo! Another thing
I'm great at.

206
00:13:04,775 --> 00:13:07,277
Wait. Why'd you
stop eating, master?

207
00:13:07,402 --> 00:13:10,656
Because... My stomach
is about to explode.

208
00:13:10,781 --> 00:13:14,201
- (ALL GASPING)
- What? My dinner killed you?

209
00:13:14,326 --> 00:13:17,412
- Aw, man!
- Oh, it hurts.

210
00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:19,414
But don't lose confidence.

211
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:23,585
The important thing
is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone.

212
00:13:23,710 --> 00:13:26,421
And using this,
you cannot fail.

213
00:13:26,547 --> 00:13:30,008
Ooh, a diamond vial
of Mrs. Dash?

214
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:33,178
No. It is the essence
of pure flavor.

215
00:13:33,303 --> 00:13:35,681
A few drops will cause
the inner perfection

216
00:13:35,806 --> 00:13:38,809
- of any dish to blossom forth.
- (EXPLOSION)

217
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:40,811
(GROANS)

218
00:13:40,936 --> 00:13:44,273
There goes my...
(GROANS) Life.

219
00:13:44,398 --> 00:13:47,109
(GASPS)

220
00:13:47,234 --> 00:13:50,654
- (ALL GASP)
- I'll avenge you, master.

221
00:13:50,779 --> 00:13:54,533
I swear, in the presence
of these drunken bums,

222
00:13:54,658 --> 00:13:57,786
that I shall defeat Elzar!

223
00:13:57,911 --> 00:14:00,789
Oh, I'm not drunk.
I'm mentally ill.

224
00:14:00,914 --> 00:14:02,791
But I likes what-what you said.

225
00:14:06,086 --> 00:14:11,008
Elzar, I'm a walking pile
of your unfinished business!

226
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,759
- Why, you...
- (SHOUTS)

227
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:15,596
Helmut Spargle
has a message for you!

228
00:14:15,721 --> 00:14:19,683
He says, "Ooh, I'm dead."

229
00:14:19,808 --> 00:14:23,061
Spargle, huh? What'd he do,
bland himself to death?

230
00:14:23,187 --> 00:14:25,939
No. He was eating
some food I made,

231
00:14:26,064 --> 00:14:29,151
and by a crazy coincidence
his stomach exploded.

232
00:14:29,276 --> 00:14:31,695
Now I'm here to avenge him!

233
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:34,156
Okay, but it seems like
you're the one who killed him.

234
00:14:34,281 --> 00:14:38,368
Maybe so,
but you are his sworn enemy.

235
00:14:38,494 --> 00:14:41,580
I challenge you
to a battle of the chefs!

236
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,291
- (GASPS)
- Scandalous.

237
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:48,378
Very well. We'll meet on
the ancient televised battleground

238
00:14:48,504 --> 00:14:50,380
of Kitchen Coliseum.

239
00:14:50,506 --> 00:14:53,967
Whose ever meal is best
will claim the title of Iron Cook.

240
00:14:54,092 --> 00:14:58,722
Iron Cook, eh? I can't lose.
I'm 30% iron.

241
00:14:58,847 --> 00:15:01,725
You're goin' down!

242
00:15:01,850 --> 00:15:06,563
Uh, also, I had a reservation for one,
under "Dr. Bender."

243
00:15:15,155 --> 00:15:18,408
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
the superintendent of Kitchen Coliseum,

244
00:15:18,534 --> 00:15:21,328
Chairman Koji!

245
00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:23,747
No robot chef
has ever competed here,

246
00:15:23,872 --> 00:15:25,958
but today,
one has barged his way in

247
00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:28,710
to challenge for the title of...

248
00:15:28,836 --> 00:15:31,672
(HEAVY ACCENT)
Iron-a Cook-oo-ooh!

249
00:15:35,759 --> 00:15:38,762
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- Yeah, you show him!

250
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,973
Let's meet today's
celebrity judges.

251
00:15:41,098 --> 00:15:44,768
Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters,
Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate.

252
00:15:44,893 --> 00:15:46,770
Konnichiwa, brother.

253
00:15:46,895 --> 00:15:48,981
ANNOUNCER: TV anchor-monster, Morbo.

254
00:15:49,106 --> 00:15:50,983
Greetings, pathetic host.

255
00:15:51,108 --> 00:15:53,735
ANNOUNCER: And a woman who ended
a thousand-year galactic war

256
00:15:53,861 --> 00:15:56,446
with her apple dandies,
Martha Stewart's head.

257
00:15:56,572 --> 00:15:58,574
The secret is fresh pork.

258
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,369
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Chairman Koji will present

259
00:16:02,494 --> 00:16:05,164
the theme ingredient
to be used in every dish today.

260
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:08,584
If it's chicken,
chicken à la King.

261
00:16:08,709 --> 00:16:11,962
If it's fish, fish à la King.
If it's turkey, fish à la King.

262
00:16:15,424 --> 00:16:17,759
Soylent Green-ooh!

263
00:16:17,885 --> 00:16:21,054
ANNOUNCER: Soylent Green,
a classic ingredient of gourmet cooking.

264
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,182
And the battle is on!

265
00:16:26,977 --> 00:16:28,854
Aki, what's Elzar making?

266
00:16:28,979 --> 00:16:31,815
Well, Hiroke-san,
when I asked him,

267
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,817
he asked what business
it was of mine

268
00:16:33,942 --> 00:16:36,195
and conjectured that
my mother was a prostitute.

269
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,946
In the English countryside,

270
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:41,408
many prostitutes decorate their rooms
with festive gourds.

271
00:16:43,494 --> 00:16:45,579
WOMAN:
Thirty minutes to go.

272
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:48,373
(GRUNTING)

273
00:16:48,457 --> 00:16:50,292
ANNOUNCER: Look at Bender roll that dough!

274
00:16:50,375 --> 00:16:51,835
I've never seen such confident,

275
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,837
powerful strokes
of the ass.

276
00:16:53,962 --> 00:16:56,882
- You've never seen mine.
- No, I haven't.

277
00:16:57,007 --> 00:16:59,927
WOMAN:
Fifteen minutes remaining.

278
00:17:03,013 --> 00:17:05,974
ANNOUNCER: The Iron Cook is bringing in
his signature creation,

279
00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:08,810
a working pastry replica
of downtown Venice.

280
00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:11,855
(SINGING IN ITALIAN)

281
00:17:15,817 --> 00:17:17,736
Commemorative turkey basters.

282
00:17:17,861 --> 00:17:20,030
Get your commemorative
turkey basters.

283
00:17:20,155 --> 00:17:23,909
Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry,
and I've tried everything.

284
00:17:24,034 --> 00:17:26,954
Oh, right.
Never mind.

285
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:33,001
Oh, the guilt.
The unbearable guilt!

286
00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:35,003
WOMAN:
Fifteen seconds.

287
00:17:38,298 --> 00:17:40,759
- Bam!
- (SQUEALS)

288
00:17:40,884 --> 00:17:43,554
- Ten seconds.
- (GRUNTING)

289
00:17:45,973 --> 00:17:49,101
(GROANING)

290
00:17:51,895 --> 00:17:54,565
Master Spargle,
if you can hear me up there

291
00:17:54,690 --> 00:17:58,235
in that ditch where I left you,
this is for you.

292
00:18:01,154 --> 00:18:03,240
(GONG BANGS)

293
00:18:03,365 --> 00:18:05,909
Time up-ooh!

294
00:18:09,037 --> 00:18:12,499
ANNOUNCER: The Iron Cook Neptunian
has gone all out to please the judges.

295
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:15,085
He's even garnished the salad
with $100 bills.

296
00:18:15,210 --> 00:18:17,129
Let's see what they think.

297
00:18:19,548 --> 00:18:24,011
(SLURPS)
Mmm, Soylent Green is my kind of people.

298
00:18:27,097 --> 00:18:31,518
Scrumptious! Morbo will store this
in his sack for future digestion.

299
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:35,355
I'm swimming in
my own soylent waste. It's a good thing.

300
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,191
(GONG BANGS)

301
00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:39,193
ANNOUNCER:
Next up, challenger Bender,

302
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:41,320
a student of
the legendary Helmut Spargle.

303
00:18:41,445 --> 00:18:44,031
Bender is some sort
of wonderful mechanical man.

304
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:48,869
(MUFFLED GRUNTS)

305
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:50,996
Ooh, delicious.

306
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,416
This food looks kind of funky,

307
00:18:54,541 --> 00:18:57,544
but it tastes kind of "funk-ay!"

308
00:18:59,129 --> 00:19:01,632
The challenger's ugly food
has shown us

309
00:19:01,757 --> 00:19:06,094
that even hideous things
can be sweet on the inside.

310
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:09,598
(SOBBING)

311
00:19:11,725 --> 00:19:13,602
ANNOUNCER:
And now, judgment.

312
00:19:13,727 --> 00:19:16,021
The winner will become
the new Iron Cook.

313
00:19:16,146 --> 00:19:19,775
- The loser is doomed to scrub.
- (INSECTS BUZZING)

314
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,444
Whose confection
will achieve perfection?

315
00:19:22,569 --> 00:19:24,947
Whose food stuff
will be the good stuff?

316
00:19:28,158 --> 00:19:31,578
- Challenger-er Bender-er!
- (GONG BANGS)

317
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:33,580
(ALL CHEERING)

318
00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:36,583
That's my robot!
I own him!

319
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:39,211
You honor me, Chairman Koji.

320
00:19:39,336 --> 00:19:41,547
Domo arigato,
Mr. Roboto.

321
00:19:41,672 --> 00:19:44,967
Chairman-san,
I came here with one goal,

322
00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:47,970
to humiliate Elzar
in a large stadium.

323
00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:50,931
- I believe I've done that.
- No question.

324
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:55,352
But the true Zen of flavor
is not found in a coliseum.

325
00:19:55,477 --> 00:19:58,230
It is found in a small kitchen
with friends.

326
00:19:58,355 --> 00:20:01,692
That is why I decline the title
of Iron Cook,

327
00:20:01,817 --> 00:20:05,195
and accept only the lesser title
of Zinc Saucier,

328
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,155
which I just made up.

329
00:20:07,281 --> 00:20:10,033
Also, it comes with
double prize money.

330
00:20:10,159 --> 00:20:11,451
(CHEERING)

331
00:20:13,162 --> 00:20:15,289
Wait!
Everyone must know!

332
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:18,792
- I broke the professor's bottled ship.
- (AUDIENCE GASPING)

333
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:23,213
And what is worse,
I framed my dearest friend, Fry.

334
00:20:23,338 --> 00:20:25,465
(SOBBING)

335
00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:28,468
I can never repay him his $10,

336
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:32,639
so I must take the only honorable path,
what with the killing myself.

337
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:34,725
(SHOUTS)

338
00:20:36,059 --> 00:20:37,394
(GASPING)

339
00:20:37,519 --> 00:20:39,479
Here I go already.

340
00:20:41,064 --> 00:20:42,691
- Huh?
- (SHOUTS)

341
00:20:42,816 --> 00:20:46,945
That sword cost
5,000 dollar!

342
00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,282
Fry did it.
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.

343
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:55,078
And that's how I defeated Elzar,

344
00:20:55,204 --> 00:20:57,456
thanks to Spargle's
magic liquid.

345
00:20:57,581 --> 00:21:01,502
Yes, we were there. And we just finished
watching it again on TV.

346
00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:05,923
Hmm? Let me see
that vial, Bender.

347
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:13,347
- (WHIRRING)
- (GASPS)

348
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:16,517
Good Lord!
According to the spectrolizer,

349
00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:21,772
Spargle's magic ingredient
was water, ordinary water!

350
00:21:21,897 --> 00:21:22,940
- (ALL GASP)
- No!

351
00:21:23,023 --> 00:21:24,024
Ah!

352
00:21:24,107 --> 00:21:26,360
So the real gift Spargle
gave you was confidence,

353
00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:28,320
the confidence
to be your best.

354
00:21:28,445 --> 00:21:31,740
Yes, ordinary water
laced with nothing more

355
00:21:31,865 --> 00:21:35,118
than a few spoonfuls of LSD.

356
00:21:35,244 --> 00:21:39,331
The important thing is
by my standards, I won fair and square.

357
00:21:39,456 --> 00:21:41,917
Now, who wants brunch,

358
00:21:42,042 --> 00:21:44,920
cooked with plenty of...
Confidence?

359
00:21:45,045 --> 00:21:46,964
(SHOUTS OF AFFIRMATION)

360
00:21:47,089 --> 00:21:50,092
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK)

361
00:21:57,558 --> 00:21:59,560
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)