ANNOUNCER: Prepare for the stereophonic experience. (BEATBOXING)
(BEATBOX VERSION OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
BENDER: Oh, New New York City!
Don't worry about it.
Do the Robot, baby!
Oh, Lord, hiking is always such a strain on the buttocks.
Shh. What was that sound?
It wasn't a bird's nest falling.
That sounds like this.
(CHIRPING)
Aw, they're so cute when they're scared.
I meant the sound Bigfoot just made.
He's been sighted a lot in this area recently.
Just last week, a blind hiker felt him.
Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot,
you blathering ninnyhammer.
Of course I do.
Bigfoot's my hero.
Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Why?
'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters,
yet longed to be one.
I can so relate to that.
(CRYING)
Ugh, enough emotions.
This isn't a fat camp, for God's sake.
Although you wouldn't know it from looking.
(SIGHS)
Bender, if you want to sleep in a tent tonight,
you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars.
Whoa! Whoa!
Real comfy.
Hi. I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger.
I get it.
Now, since this area's a national Bigfoot preserve,
we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot
while I make a few phone calls.
(NARRATOR READING)
NARRATOR: In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest
dwells the strange and beautiful creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps.
That proves it.
Sadly, logging and human settlement
today threaten what might possibly be his habitat,
although if it's not, they don't.
Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land
to remain elusive in.
They typically dwell just behind rocks,
but are also sometimes playful,
bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas.
It should say "top quality exercycle for sale."
And could you put "top quality" in bold?
You can't? Okay, whatever.
Remember, it's up to us.
Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists.
So, let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive
for future generations to enjoy, unless he doesn't exist.
(NARRATOR READS)
All right, I got to call you back.
All right, questions?
Yeah. Have youse ever seens Bigfeet?
Technically, no.
But I do see him each night in my dreams
and each day in the smiling faces of hairy children.
Bunk! Bunk, I say.
Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up!
I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.
Shut up!
Oh, my God. Look, it's Bigfoot!
Where?
Ah, he's gone.
He said you should keep wasting your life, though.
Oh, I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the county fair.
What you saw was Bigfoot the monster truck.
But thanks for a great question.
Oh... (MUMBLING)
Sir, if I may?
Why don't you just set up, like, a billion video cameras
in the woods and see if he walks by one.
Ah, that would be very expensive,
and most people who believe in Bigfoot are broke.
Hey, look, Bigfoot, he's back!
Where?
Up your face.
(LAUGHING)
Everybody do the Bender.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
The sky out here is amazing.
Look at all the satellites.
Good night, employees.
HERMES: Good night.
DR. ZOIDBERG: Good night, Hubert.
(SPRAYS AEROSOL)
You doing all right out there, buddy?
Better than these gnats.
(ELECTRONIC ZAPPING)
(LAUGHS)
That guy won't be going home to his kids.
(SHIVERING)
(OWL HOOTING)
What's that? A wolf?
Or some kind of boogen?
Oh, God, I wish I was safe inside a tent.
(IN FAKE VOICE) Fry! Fry, wake up.
It's me, Bigface.
Come out and groom my mangy fur.
(GASPS)
Bigfoot? You taught yourself English?
Bigfoot?
(CHUCKLES)
(IMITATES DOG)
(SIGHS)
(SNORING)
(MUMBLING IN SLEEP)
FRY: Bigfoot, is that you?
I'm not like the others, Bigfoot.
I see through your monster coating to the gentle loner inside.
I bet you have a wounded raccoon friend
that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go...
(COOING)
But in the end they shoot you, but you teach us about things.
(CHIRPING)
(LOUD RUMBLING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(GASPS)
Oh, just a flying saucer.
Excuse me. You can't park here.
The parking area is over there.
(BEEPING AND WHIRRING)
Wow, nice tube.
Hey, hey, what's the big idea?
Stop abducting me!
Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?
Help!
(SIGHS)
(ALL YAWNING)
There's nothing so refreshing
as the clean, crisp taste of this bold, Canadian beer.
Well, see you in an hour.
I got to go do some business behind that tree.
- (ZIPPER RASPING) - (BENDER GRUNTING)
Come on, you!
(YELLS)
Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?
(MUTTERS MOCKINGLY)
Bender raises a good point.
Where is Fry?
(PANTING)
(CHATTERING)
Amy, you won't believe what happened!
It was so scary that you wouldn't...
(SCREAMS)
I know, but listen, it gets even scarier.
Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened to you?
That's what I'm trying to tell you. See...
Why are you all staring at me like that?
Is there something on my face?
Uh, no.
Someone should tell him.
- Tell me what? - Nothing.
Well, I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news
so let me break it to him gently.
Fry, you have no nose!
Your nose is gone!
You have no nose on your face!
Where it is, I can't say, but on your face it's not.
What?
(SHRIEKS)
Aw, I think it's sweet.
You chopped off your nose
so you could look more like your hero, me, Bender.
My God, they must have taken it last night.
Which last night?
In the woods. I was walking.
For Bigfoot, looking.
And then aliens beamed me up.
Were they little gray dudes with the big oval heads?
I don't get that gesture. Am I wrong?
Cheer up, friend.
When we get home, a high-quality prosthesis
will have you looking good as new.
I'm a pathetic freak.
My life is ruined.
(LAUGHS)
Man, you are such a jokester.
I'll never have another moment of happiness.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I know you're trying to mask your pain with humor,
but don't worry.
I'm sure the professor can clone you a new nose.
It wouldn't be the same. I want my nose.
I don't want to have to teach a new one how to shoot milk when I laugh.
Well, there's no sense fretting.
Good Lord, you're ugly.
The fact is, your nose is gone
and we'll never find out who did it or why.
(DOOR OPENS)
Guys, guys, there's something on television!
LINDA: Alien abductions, until now a harmless nuisance
but recently they've taken on a sinister dimension
as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses.
Like me.
The culprits, shameless poachers hunting humans without a permit.
The valuable nose, or "human horn,"
fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
My nose is an aphrodisiac?
(GROANS)
I'm gonna drop a barf!
Demand for human horn is great
due in part to titillating scenes
from depraved alien TV programs too filthy for Earth broadcast.
Let's watch.
(GASPS) Human horn? But it is forbidden.
So is our love.
(MOANING)
Blech!
We have to track down my nose before some aliens snarfs it
and does the Worm. Who's in?
Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Nah, I'm good.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Let's see. I'll take a pancreas, two sphincters
and a large Coke.
WAITER: One number three combo.
(SPIT SQUEAKING)
It's no use.
We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy,
including Pottery Barn.
Wait. What's that?
Welcome, friends.
How may I pervert you?
Uh, I'm looking for human horn.
Shh. You're not cops, right?
Of course not.
In fact, he's a crook.
Yep. Stolen Pez, anyone?
Right this way.
Human horn, so fresh you can still see the eyeglass marks.
Nope. Uh-uh.
Ooh!
Now, look, this is the nose we want.
Did you sell it to somebody?
I'm sorry, sir,
but due to the perverted nature of our business,
customer records are strictly confidential.
(GROANS)
Right this way. (GROANS)
I videotape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmail them later.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster.
What do I care what you think?
Here's the weirdo who bought your horn.
(LEELA GASPS)
That's Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
You got any... You know...
Speak up. You're muttering.
I said... Human horn?
You're not a cop, right?
Oh, no, no. I'm just some guy,
ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!
So let me get this straight.
If I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp?
Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards.
Oh, great space king,
I humbly beg you to return my human horn.
What... Human horn?
How ridiculous.
Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn?
I don't even know what it's for.
What is it? Something you put in salad dressing?
Like you've ever seen a salad.
My weight is appropriate and attractive.
Whoa, you guys have issues.
She has issues. I'm fine.
But there's no human horn around here so make friends with the door.
All right, I give up.
I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
(SOBBING)
Oh, let's just give it to him.
Here.
My nose! Light of my face!
Uh, what is that?
How do you have that, Ndnd?
I've never seen it before.
My friend left it here.
Hold still, Fry.
I can reattach it with my emergency face laser.
(BEEPS)
Hey, you burned my cheek!
Yeah, sorry. I wasn't really concentrating.
No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it.
(SNIFFS) And those lilacs on the table.
At least someone noticed.
For the last time, I don't like lilacs!
Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.
She also liked to shut up.
Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our...
Yo, Highness! Just out of robo curiosity,
why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac
instead of his, you know, wing-dang doodle?
But I thought the horn was the human wing-dang doodle.
No, sir, Chief.
The main event, so to speak, is downstairs, near the wallet.
You ever see soccer players line up to block a free kick?
They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much.
Well, see you.
Interesting.
The trousers conceal a tiny, secondary horn.
Hey, what've you heard?
Guards, seize him!
- (FRY GASPS) - Prepare to harvest the lower horn.
Okay, you can have my nose.
(WHIMPERING)
- Guards! - Yeah?
Remove the human's lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me.
In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it.
Then bring it to our royal bed chamber
and put it in a sock drawer with all the other things
that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman.
(WHIRRING)
(YELPS)
Remove pants.
Wait, listen.
I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn, but...
I'll say. Whoo!
But in this case, I just don't think it's going to do any good.
That's what she said. Whoo!
Let's face it, you two have deep relationship problems
that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac.
However huge it might be.
So what do you suggest, painfully single human?
Well, why don't you think back
to what brought you together in the first place.
Oh, I don't know.
Lrrr used to be so tender.
Oh, I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
We'd go walking in the woods
and Lrrr would find injured little tinklebunnies
and nurse them back to health.
Yes, but I'm the one who injured them.
Oh, shush.
You stepped on them by accident and then you cried all night.
That's the kind of sensitive man you used to be.
And you used to wear a size three cape, but not anymore!
Now bring me that lower horn while I'm still in the mood.
(WHIRRING)
(STAMMERS) But what if we helped you get your passion back
without the hassle of mutilating me?
Yeah. We know a great place in the mountains.
We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars.
Hmm. Sounds interesting.
But he would never do it.
Oh, like hell I wouldn't.
I'm not going to be blamed for not going.
Then it's a deal. We get one night.
I keep my horn as long as you two end up doing the horizontal Monster Mash.
(LAUGHING)
Oh... I don't get it.
Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine for the edge of the table?
No, thanks. Just water, please.
Tap water.
Oh, big spender.
That's it! This date is over!
Waiter!
So, what can I get you this evening?
Your lower horn!
(YELPS)
Uh, I'll just start you off with some bread,
some sexy, arousing bread.
Fine, but none of that whole-grain goat food.
And bring plenty of melted butter!
Ugh. Why don't you just inject some fat straight into your ass
and cut out the middleman?
One of these days, Ndnd... Bang! Zoom!
Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!
(LOUD EATING)
Mm. This jerked chicken is good.
I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
BENDER: It's used to it! Whoo!
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
So, uh, how are you two snoogie-pookums doing?
Poorly!
My wife is right, for once.
There's very little magic in the air.
Ready the lower horn transport vessel.
(SCREAMS)
Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin.
Mind if I stick these in here?
Go for it.
Don't worry, Fry.
Things look bad, but I still have a trump card...
The most beautiful love song ever written.
(SINGING) And I will always love you, ooh...
(GROANS AND SCREAMS)
The humans are attacking!
Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here!
Quick, Fry, run for it.
(GRUNTS)
Come on, freedom cage, roll me to safety.
Ow, ow, ow.
Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle
but I pulled it out.
BENDER: Just like at the movie theater. Whoo!
Give me that.
(SCREAMS)
(WHIMPERS)
(GASPS)
- (LOUD GROWL) - (THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS)
Bigfoot! He's real. I knew it!
The Loch Ness monster's book was right.
(GRUNTING)
Well, hello there, my furry friend.
Look at his adorable little feet.
(GROWLS FEROCIOUSLY)
(CHUCKLES LOVINGLY)
Yes, you are a cutie pie.
Holy macaroni!
I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot.
And he's in focus.
Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment.
ALL: Huh? What?
Hey, what are you doing with that?
You're going to kill this innocent giganto?
Of course not.
I'm just going to tranquilize him
so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists,
then dump him back in the wild.
He'll do fine.
You'll have to get through me first.
Okay. Nightie-night.
Ah...
Now leave this gentle Sasquatch, or wood ape, in peace,
so I can finally, and at long last,
harvest this pathetic human's lower horn.
Yeah! (GASPS)
Wait, what am I saying?
If I poach this beast's lower horn,
am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust?
Yes, but not by enough.
Score.
(GROWLS SOFTLY)
This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures,
a living thing.
And all living things, large and small...
BENDER: In this case, small. Whoo!
...have dignity and a spark of the divine.
(CRYING)
That's the gentle, sensitive poet warlord I fell in love with.
(PASSIONATE MOANING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
LRRR: Uh, you'll want to retreat to a safe 500-meter radius!
Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
As usual. Whoo!
Run away!
(MOANING CONTINUES)
LRRR: Oh, yeah...
(MOANING CONTINUES)
(GROWLS SOFTLY)
NARRATOR: You're on a scenic route
through a state recreation area known as the human mind.
You ask a passerby for directions,
only to find he has no face, or something.
Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road.
You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.
I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals
to make the most evil creature of them all.
It turns out it's man.