(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
FRY: Whoo!
(SCATTING)
BENDER: Two, three.
(BEATBOXING)
FARNSWORTH: Oh, my!
BENDER: Here we go, y'all!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Zoidberg. Zoidberg.
Z-Z-Z-Z-Zoidberg.
(VOCALIZING)
BENDER: This is a story about all my friends.
FARNSWORTH: Why? Why?
NARRATOR: Previously on All My Circuits...
(ORGAN PLAYS)
I'm sorry, Father, but somewhere along the way,
I forgot how to be your son.
Why, Antonio?
Because I have amnesia!
(KISSING SOUNDS)
Calculon!
But I thought you were...
Egyptian?
Before I kill you, I must ask you one question.
Who am I?
For I have amnesia!
Let me get this straight.
Does anyone here not have amnesia?
(ALL MURMURING)
I don't know.
This show is awesome.
When I grow up, I'm going to have so much amnesia.
Me, too.
I mean, I have it now, but I forgot.
Well, mine's louder.
Cram a ham in it, you twerps.
- (YELPS) - (BOTTLE BREAKS)
Sorry.
Nah, I had it coming.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
CALCULON: Welcome, swingers.
Pull up a groove and get fabulous.
Nude rock bands,
big piles of what I assume is talcum powder...
It's quite a birthday party, Calculon.
Cool!
I'm going to have a fabulacious birthday party
just like Calculon.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to show up looking good
just like Monique.
Do you two have to imitate everything you see on TV?
Um, we're 12, so yes.
Hold up, Cubert.
You're a clone of the professor.
Do clones even have birthdays?
Um, duh.
Duh, what?
(GROWLING)
Dad, do I have a birthday?
Hmm.
You didn't have a birth, so technically, no.
(GROANS)
Oh, don't feel bad.
We can celebrate the day I extracted you from the cloning tank.
Or the day I scraped your DNA from that growth on my back.
Ooh, that one!
Ah, yes, it was 13 years ago next week.
I used this very fork.
Oh, well, isn't that...
(YELPS)
Hey, next week will be my birthday, too.
That's true.
If only there were a way to have
one party for both of you here at the office,
then write it off as a business expense.
Wait! I thought of a way.
The way I just said.
- Yeah. - Way to go, Pops.
BENDER: Something's happening on television!
(PANTING)
Oh, Monique, why did we wait so many years
to bathe in champagne?
(APPROACHING SCREAM)
(GRUNTS)
Father!
I've discovered the shocking secret Mother has kept from you for 200 years.
No! No!
Brace yourself, for whenI speak these words,
you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia.
For you see, the horrible secret is...
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
Whoever's directing this is a master of suspense.
(BUZZING CONTINUES)
(CLONKING)
He's busteds.
Let's get hims out of heres.
ANNOUNCER: We now join America's most popular show
already in progress...
Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
(SUSTAINED ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
This show's been going downhill since Season 3.
Look who's here, everyone.
It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp.
Since when are you performing at children's parties?
Performing? What?
Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes?
This party pukes.
Yeah, the guests were supposed to be here three hours ago.
Well, that doesn't mean that no one is coming
or that you two are total losers.
Who gave you that idea?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
All right. They must have all come as a group.
Welcome, swingers.
Pull up a groove and get fabulous.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh?
- (CLOMPING) - Huh?
Good day, fellows.
Someone dumped this invitation in my begging cup.
Happy growth-scraping day to all!
(BOTH SIGH)
Fire them all.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
(PANTING)
Guys, guys!
Something's happening on television again.
(GRUNTING)
Ooh!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonite.
Across the galaxy,
my people are completing the mighty space fleet
that will exterminate the human race.
But first, this news from Tinseltown.
Following Antonio Calculon, Jr.'s breakdown on the set,
the popular TV show All My Circuits
will hold an open casting call for child robots to replace him.
An open casting call for child robots?
Tinny Tim, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
What's that, sir?
That I, Bender, am perfect for the role.
You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir.
Bravo!
- (ALL MURMURING) - (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far.
There's a lot of famous child acting units here.
Look! There's Macaulay Cul-Con.
He's just not cute since he got puberty installed.
Psst! There's that robot child actor
who grew up and robbed the convenience store.
LEELA: And there's that robot child actor
who grew up and became a convenience store.
Lottery ticket, please.
(RATTLING)
We're ready for the first audition.
Emotitron, Jr.
Hold on, precious.
Let's make you look nice for the lady.
What's this? What did I tell you?
No more hanging wires!
In this scene,
you've just found out your real father
is Calculon's fourth evil identical septuplet, Sleazy Martinez.
Okay, take us there.
"Now that I know the truth, Father, I must ride south
"and join the robo-bandidos at Veracruz..."
BENDER: (MUFFLED) Boo! Boo! This kid sucks!
We want Bender!
Boo!
Well, I thought he was good
but the audience seems to have turned on him.
- But I don't think... - Next!
"...at Veracruz.
"So, if you'll kindly hand me my poncho..."
BENDER: (MUFFLED) Boo! Bring on Bender!
Boo! Bender's the greatest!
Sorry, kid. You're flailing up there.
Oh!
Ninety actors and they all got booed.
I just wish we could get this "Bender" I keep hearing about.
They say he's the greatest.
Well, there is a robot named Bender here
but he's much too old...
Send him in forthwith!
Boo! Not as good as Bender!
Boo!
- Mr. Bender? - (STARTLED GASP)
Have you ever been on TV before?
Once, when I took those hostages.
I saw that. You were good.
Let's hear you audition.
Bandidos, eh?
Ah, this is great,
'cause I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"I will say a-dee-os, Pad-ray.
"Come, Jesus, my faithful chi-hew-a-hew-a.
"Tonight, we eat gyoo-a-ca-mole
"by the el rio."
That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer.
I don't care how popular you are,
you will never work on my show!
FRY: Yay, Bender!
LEELA: We demand Bender!
However, you've got the job.
Welcome aboard, "son."
Fathero!
(CLONK)
Bender, I'd like you to meet our director whose name I never learned.
Yo.
I read the script and I think
it would help my character's motivation if he was on fire.
Uh, don't worry about the script, baby.
We rewrote your part to better suit your acting abilities.
So, now my character has a British accent?
No, now your character's in a coma.
Get in bed and don't move.
(GRUMBLING)
And, action!
(MUTTERING) Stupid, dumb coma.
Could have been British.
Alas, that mine only son
should sink into an irreversible, permanent...
(WHISPERS) ...coma.
Permanent? That's completely out of character for Antonio.
I'm getting up.
Curse the tragic wildebeest accident that...
Hey, everyone!
Antonio here, but you can call me Bender.
I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut.
Come on, baby, do, ah, do.
(PUFFING)
(SCATTING) Dee, dah, doda, booba Dah, boo, come on
Do, dee, bee, bah, boo...
I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing.
Bite my shiny metal ass.
Ooh, yeah, come on, baby, yeah
Ooh, uh, come on, yeah...
Cut!
That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen!
We'll have to shoot it again.
No. No, no, no, I don't do two takes.
But this guy was...
Amateurs like you do two takes.
I do one take.
Print it. I'll be in my three-story trailer.
Bite my shiny metal ass.
Ooh, yeah, come on, baby, yeah
Ooh, uh, come on, yeah...
Now that's hospital dancing.
Pretty good, eh, Calcy?
Good?
I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies.
I don't even remember shooting this scene.
We didn't.
That's security camera footage from your dressing room.
He stole the scene and my money?
That's it!
I demand you fire this felonious ham!
(ALARM SOUNDING)
The network execubots are coming!
Oh, dear God!
Presenting the president of the network.
(MODEM DIALING)
Greetings, gentlemen.
You already know my execubots.
Executive Alpha, programmed to like things it has seen before.
Hey, hey, hey.
Executive Beta, programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule.
More reality shows.
And Executive Gamma,
programmed to underestimate middle America.
It's funny, but is it going to get them off their tractors?
Now, who put this obnoxious dancing robot on my network?
We were about to fire him, sir.
Silence, hack!
We've been monitoring our Nielsen families carefully,
and during the 12 seconds Bender was onscreen,
viewer eyeball focus was up 90%.
(DOG PANTING)
But, sir, children watch this show.
Bender's no role model. He's a filth monger.
At our network, we love filth.
Filthy rich, that is.
Being filthy rich, that is.
(LAUGHING)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
"Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase.
80% likely.
It will play in Peoria.
Game shows are back.
We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot on our network.
Bender, can you continue to drink, smoke and steal things on TV?
Yes, I can.
(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
We're gonna have a TV party tonight
All right
We're gonna have a TV party, all right!
All right!
We've got nothing better to do
Than watch TV and have a couple of brews
Gonna shoot things.
All our friends are gonna hang out here tonight
All right!
We'll pass out on the couch, all right!
(LAUGHING)
Yo, check out what I jacked from my dad.
A cigar?
Ripping.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Look, I'm Bender.
(GAGS)
(RETCHING)
(GRUNTS)
Ras H. Tafari, what's going on here?
The ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
That's not a cigar!
Uh, and it's not mine.
Hey, Dad, bite my shiny metal ass!
What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable for both of us.
Where did you learn such language?
From Bender, my good jerkwad.
Bender, eh?
That guy's really starting to twist my dreads.
Okay, okay, okay.
Get ready for this part.
Quiet, robot. Bender's on TV.
Oh, Calculon,
it's so good to get away from the city
and that beastly yet intriguing Bender.
(GASPS)
(GULPING)
Whoo!
And try this, kids at home.
Is television sensation Bender
a bad role model for Earth's children?
(GASPS) That's crazy.
A new protest group, Father's Against Rude Television,
says, "Hell, yes."
(SCOFFS) What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group?
Good news, everyone.
Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group.
That was uncanny.
Fathers Against Rude Television
don't want our kids watching Bender's high-definition filth.
And for what?
Some kind of cheap laugh?
That's not what F.A.R.T. is all about.
No, sir. Not us FARTers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't censor me
just 'cause I'm an obscenely bad role model.
As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree with Bender.
Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
Yeah, give a little credit to our public schools.
(CUBERT GROANS)
Our dads are all pumped up on dorkosterone.
We're just trying to be cool, like Bender.
Yeah, and it's not even working.
Smoking and drinking make us barf.
Gentle jerkwads, I know how to emulate Bender without barfing.
We could commit a burglary.
Hey, yeah!
Bender loves to burgle.
Hold up, though. Who could we rob?
We don't even know anyone with cool stuff.
Duh! We know someone who runs on pure cool fuel... Bender.
- Whoa! - We'll rob Bender.
(LAUGHING)
TV gave us the idea.
BENDER: You're watching Futurama,
the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.
Okay, it's crime time.
Hey, Bender.
(DWIGHT GRUNTING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, Bender.
Bust it
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(LIVELY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(RETCHING)
Okay, smarty, go to a party
Girls are scantily clad and showin' body
A chick walks by...
- (GASPS) - (RECORD SCRATCHING)
What's going on in here?
Oh, now I'm really outraged.
Where did you requisition this party?
And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?
I'm networking.
Let me give you my card.
Relax, Dad, we just invited a few friends over.
Hmm...
There's something wrong with your story but I can't put my finger on it.
(GASPING) Of course! You don't have any friends!
Yeah, why do these popular kids consider you cool all of a sudden?
Um, we're just cool is all.
Balderdash!
I'll be the judge of who's cool, using the Coolometer.
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING STOPS)
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
COOLOMETER: Oh, yeah.
Good Lord, I'm getting a reading of over 40 megafonzies.
Everybody out!
(KIDS GROANING, GRUMBLING)
So, do you guys know about anything else going on?
Because I'm totally still ready to party.
There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happening pad.
Where did it all come from?
Don't tell, comrades.
All for one and one for all!
(CRYING) We stole it!
Oh, crumb.
(YAWNING)
What? What's going on?
I'll tell you what.
Our boys have taken up stealing!
One of the worst and coolest of crimes.
And all from watching you on TV, you cool jerk.
Hey, lay off me.
TV would stink if everyone on it was a positive role model.
Bender is about entertainment, baby.
You can't hold me responsible for what kids do when...
Hey, this is my stuff they stole!
That's the last straw!
Bender should not be allowed on television!
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
BENDER: Bender must be stopped.
I've gone too far.
Who does that guy think I am?
(SHOUTING AGREEMENT)
Come on, we're going to march all the way to Hollywood
and make them stop forcing their filthy me down our throats.
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
ALL: (CHANTING) Down with Bender! Down with Bender!
This mob's with me.
Go ahead.
Down with Bender! Down with Bender!
Down with Bender!
Down with...
(ALARM SOUNDS)
...Bender!
Down with Bender!
As a doctor and captain of this hospital ship,
I now pronounce you man and wife
with six months to live.
Listen up, Hollywood.
We're an exciting new mob.
- (ALL AGREEING) - HERMES: You better believe it.
Great Shatner's ghost!
We demand that all TV be equipped with a B-chip
that blocks Bender from appearing on the screen.
- FARNSWORTH: Boo-yah! - (ALL AGREEING)
I'm afraid the answer is a gritty, in-your-face no.
Then I quit.
Then you don't quit.
I think you'll be finishing the scene now, Mr. Bender,
and don't skimp on the nasty.
There'll be no further nasty.
We still have the option of resorting to violence.
What makes you think that will work?
I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon.
How cool was that.
(SINGING) Ooh, yeah, come on...
(SPUTTERING)
Quit the show.
Do the scene.
I'm a cold-blooded punk.
I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it.
Hey, look, the prop guy has a lamp.
Wha...
A-ha!
I was using that.
Listen up, 'cause I've got a climatic speech.
You, cameraman, keep the camera rolling.
You, director, give me my motivation.
You're angry.
Perfect.
Viewers of the world,
do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cool?
Of course they do.
How about committing crimes and violence?
Again, the answer is yes.
But do we really want our kids exposed
to that kind of trash on TV?
I say absolutely not.
Ooh!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, on the other hand, most, perhaps all the blame
rests with the parents.
That's right, you.
(ALL GASPING)
And so I ask you this one question...
Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV,
sitting down with your children
and hitting them?
We're just so busy.
Well, make time.
And, cut.
Good enough.
Splice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air.
Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV
sitting down with your children and hitting them?
Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson
about TV there.
What was it?
Uh, that we should all take TV a little less seriously.
And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.
- Hear! Hear! - Darn right.
So, should we turn it off now?
Well, uh, that depends what's on.
(TV CHANNELS FLICKERING)
Nothing good.
Eh, let's just keep watching.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
BENDER: TV party tonight
FARNSWORTH: Wha...
BENDER: TV party tonight
LEELA: We've got nothing better to do
Than watch TV and have a couple of brews
DR. ZOIDBERG: Don't want to talk about anything else
FRY: We don't want to know
FARNSWORTH: We're dedicated, yes
HERMES: To our favorite shows
CUBERT: All My Circuits
DWIGHT: Everybody Loves Hypnotoad
TINNY TIM: Scary Door
LEELA: Thursday Night Blernsball
BENDER: Futurama