(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MUFFLED, DISCORDANT NOTES PLAYING) - Huh?
I choose to not understand these signs.
- A-ha. - B... Bender.
I was just not playing the Holophonor.
Yeah? Well, you should try not stinking at it.
Well, I am trying. I've been taking lessons.
Lessons? Ha, that's rich.
Isn't it time you gave up all hope
of ever improving yourself in any way?
I know I should, but I just can't.
Remember when I had those stomach worms that made me smart?
I could play the Holophonor, and it made Leela like me.
Hey, Bender, as long as you know,
I have a Holophonor recital Tuesday
and I'd really like to have somebody there. Please?
Fine, I'll go already.
You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive.
Not often, though. (GROANS)
BENDER: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
- (GROANS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Uh, hello, Mrs. Mellinger. - Hello, Philip.
And you must be Mr. Bender.
Philip's told me so much about you.
Is it true that you're a robot?
I prefer the term "Love machine." (PURRS)
(PLAYING FUR ELISE SKILLFULLY)
(TONE RINGS)
Wow, your kid is great.
How hard did you say you had to hit him?
Fairly hard.
(CHAIR SQUEAKS)
(CLEARS THROAT) The Grumpy Snail.
(PLAYING SIMPLE MELODY)
(FLAT NOTE)
- (GROWLS) - Sorry.
(PLAYING DISCORDANTLY)
(SNAIL CHOKING)
(GROWLING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
- It's too grumpy. - (PLAYING DISCORDANTLY)
(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
Whoo!
Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child.
Then good day, madam.
(DOOR SLAMS)
- We hope to see you soon for tea. - (SLAMS DOOR)
FRY: It's hopeless.
I can hear all this great music in my head
but my stupid hands can't keep up.
Aw, you know what always cheers me up?
Laughing at other people's misfortunes. (LAUGHS)
Hey, guys, you missed a great delivery to Space Earth.
Where you been all afternoon?
At a... A concert.
Ooh, was it jazz noodling?
My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax.
I used to listen for hours
while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.
So, musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?
Yeah, it's weird.
Sean was uneducated, unambitious,
- he was pasty and hunched... - (UNDER BREATH) Pretty boy.
...but when he played
I could sense this incredible, beautiful, creative soul.
Then one day, I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.
I couldn't even believe that. It was really...
That could be my beautiful soul
sitting naked on her couch
if I could just learn to play this stupid thing.
Oh, but you can.
Though you may have to metaphorically
"make a deal with the Devil."
And by "Devil," I mean Robot Devil,
and by "Metaphorically," I mean get your coat.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(BAND PLAYS WELCOME TO ROBOT HELL)
(GROANS) You hit a sour note
about 200 years back, Doug.
Let's take it from the top.
- (GRUNTS) - Ah, Bender, Fry!
You've come back for more eternal damnation.
No, this isn't a religious visit.
Fry just wants Holophonor lessons.
Yep. I need to get really good without practicing.
(FIENDISH LAUGHTER)
Hell is full of ten-year-olds
who wanted exactly the same thing.
Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher
Mrs. Mellinger, calls "Stupid Fingers."
With hands like that
you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.
Now, wouldn't it be nice
if you had a pair of robot hands
to replace them?
Sure would.
Oh, well. Good-bye.
Fry, you smelly idiot.
I think he's willing to make some kind of a deal with the Devil with you.
He... He is? Great.
Wait, what's the catch?
No catch.
I'll merely pick a robot at random
from somewhere in the universe,
probably one you've never even met,
and then I'll remove his hands
and switch them for yours.
It's just the sort of guy I am. What do you say?
Uh, I don't know.
It doesn't seem entirely moral to...
Fry, if you don't take this offer right now
I will lose all respect for you and punch you.
(FIENDISH CHUCKLE)
Well... all right.
You're sure I probably won't know him?
Definitely probably not.
- Just sign this contract... - Wow.
And here we go.
(CACKLING)
I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exam-Bot.
- (SCREAMS) - "Robot Devil?"
I get your hands? 'Zam!
Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome.
It's not ironic. It's just coincidental.
Now fork over those ladyfingers, cookie.
(SIGHS)
You know, I only put my name on there
as a show of good faith for the other robots.
Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off.
Oh, very well.
How'd you do that?
They're very good hands.
At last.
At last I have the power to make Leela love me.
(GAGGING)
Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days.
(CHOKING)
Check it out, everyone. I'm back from Hell
and I've got the Robot Devil's hands.
Neat. Let's see a trick.
- All righty. - (STARTLED YELLING)
(YELLING GIBBERISH)
Somebody called the Robot Devil's here
to see somebody called Fry.
Uh-oh.
Where'd I go just now?
Hello, Fry.
(FIENDISH LAUGHTER)
Just dropped by to make sure
you're as happy with our little deal as I am.
Oh... give me back my hands.
These things are always touching me in places.
(SNIGGERS)
Yeah, they get around,
but I'm afraid we had a deal.
(GROWLS) Looks like I wasted a bus trip.
Yes, you did.
(PLAYING THE GRUMPY SNAIL)
(PLAYING FUR ELISE)
(PAINED YELP)
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING BOLERO)
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes, now you can hear Holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry
play 900 of these classic themes in your own home
on this two-record set.
That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.
Only $14.99 for a two-record set.
Two records.
Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.
- MAN ON PHONE: Hello. - Hello? I'll take eight.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
A Mr. Hedonismbot to see you.
- Uh, show him in. - Very good, sir.
Ah, Fry, congratulations.
Your latest performance was as delectable
as dipping my bottom over and over
into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.
Thank you, sir.
That's exactly what I was going for.
You were the sole diversion
in what has been a pale and un-amusing season,
and so, I would fain commission you write an opera.
But I've never written an opera.
And I've never heard one.
Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture
I shall consider it a smashing success.
But I wouldn't even know what to write about. Unless...
(MUNCHING)
Okay, I'll do it
if I can make it about Leela.
Me? Really?
A man writing an opera about a woman?
(AIRY LAUGHTER)
Oh, sirrah, how deliciously absurd.
I shall see you at the premiere.
(AIRY LAUGHTER)
(ETHEREAL, ECHOING, ALTO SAX-TYPE RIFFS)
Is it part of the opera?
Leela. You shouldn't be listening.
I don't want you to hear it till it's done.
But it's so beautiful.
So is a peacock, but you don't eat it until it's cooked.
This has to be perfect.
I want you to hear exactly what I hear
when I think about you.
Oh, Fry, all this time you've had this incredible gift
and I never knew.
I've been a fool, a fully justified, prudent fool.
(EXCLAIMS) They're so cold.
BEELZEBOT: And yet Hell is so hot.
(FIENDISH LAUGHTER)
Can I have my hands back now?
- No! - You're not nice.
(TUNELESS HUMMING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Ah, Bender, this is a surprise...
for you, finding me in the refrigerator.
True, but at least I don't have the hiccups anymore.
- What up? - Oh, well, it so happens
I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.
- Forget it. you can't tempt me. - Really?
There's nothing you want?
Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.
Well, I suppose I've always wondered what it would be like
- to be more annoying. - (CHUCKLES)
Nothing simpler,
and all I ask in return is your hands
to replace these bony hot dogs.
Grabby and Squeezy?
Never. I love these guys.
(GROWLS) Well, is there anything else you would part with?
No, nothing, ain't gonna happen.
Yes. With this built-in stadium air horn
I can really annoy people
and all it cost me was my crotch plate.
You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender.
Now find someone and give them a good blast.
Yeah, that'll teach the first person I see a lesson.
(DOOR OPENS)
Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan
is one quarter complete.
(FIENDISH LAUGHTER)
Well, Fry's opera premieres tomorrow night.
I'm off to find a pair of formal gloves
that will fit over my enormous forearms.
(AIR HORN BLASTING)
(LAUGHS)
Pretty annoying, huh, Leela?
What? Are you talking?
Oh, God, I'm deaf.
Oops. I'm so, so sorry, Leela.
I just wanted to annoy you.
What? Oh, this is horrible.
I won't be able to hear Fry's opera.
(SOBBING)
Ah, how delightfully ironic.
It's not ironic.
It's just mean. Take this.
(AIR HORN BLAST FIZZLES OUT)
Ooh, out of aerosol.
Also ironic.
Oh, yeah?
Well, bite my shiny metal...
Oh, no!
Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf.
If he found out I couldn't hear his opera,
it'd break his heart.
Okay, deaf-o.
(WHIRRING)
Courtesans and gentlefops,
I bid you welcome to my opera. (CHUCKLES)
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old.
You know the ones I mean.
(ORCHESTRA TUNING UP)
(BATON TAPPING STAND)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
- (ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING) - Yay, Fry.
I watch TV with that guy.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)
(WIND INSTRUMENT SOLO)
(SINGING) Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses?
With courage in her female baby smile?
KIDS: A savior from the stars
Or something stranger still?
Or just a lonely, filthy, starving child?
Amy, Fry's looking at me.
What am I supposed to be feeling?
Ah.
(SINGING) Leela
Leela, Leela
Save him
Save Fry, save Fry
Godzilla will devour him
As for me, I must be off
To have my doctor check this cough
(COUGHS)
Good-bye
I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla,
but that is so what I would have done.
OLD MAN: Oh, it was a lovely show.
(CROWD CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHING)
One diet double martini, please.
And for you, sir?
I'll just have a Shirley Hemphill.
Extra, extra.
World's greatest opera only half over.
Half over? Oh!
I'd give anything to hear the rest.
Anything?
- (GASPS) - (GLASS SHATTERS)
Thank you, sir.
Now, as I was saying...
Anything?
Because I can give you new robotic ears.
What? You can give me new ears?
Wait. What seemingly reasonable thing do you want in return?
Just your hands, my dear.
Whatever you said, forget it.
All right, then. Just one hand.
Just... my left hand?
Um...
USHER: Please take your seats for act two.
HEDONISMBOT: But I'm not done vomiting.
(AIRY LAUGH)
(ALL MURMURING)
I can't stand it. (BREATHES DEEPLY)
Okay, you can have my hand.
Wonderful! Just sign here.
Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.
Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy...
acting talent.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS)
I can hear. I can hear like a safecracker.
Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?
In good time. You go enjoy the opera.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
To win Leela's heart with the Holophonor's art
I need hands of transcendental quickness
Well, I don't see any danger
In gambling with a stranger
For my head is ofa most amazing thickness
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ANGRY GROAN)
I'm stupid, I'm stupid
I'm stupider than you
I'm stupider than you in every way
Stupider?
(GRUNTS) This opera is as lousy as it is brilliant.
- (GRUNTS) - (PAINED GRUNT)
(ALL GASPING)
- (WHIMPERS) - Your lyrics lack subtlety.
You can't just have your characters announce how they feel.
That makes me feel angry.
Look, what do you want?
(SINGS) I want my hands back
(FIENDISH LAUGHTER)
Never.
(SINGS) A deal's a deal
Even with a dirty dealer
Very well, then I'll take
What I want from Leela
LEELA: Whoa.
Leela has promised me her hand
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Fry, you do not understand!
I should have revealed
I'd been deafened by Bender
The shame
The shame!
But I feared you'd stop writing
This musical splendor
Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender
He gave me mechanical ears
Effective, though just a bit garish
In return, without shedding a tear
I agreed that I'd give him my hand
In marriage
- Huh? - What?
You'll give me your hand in marriage
Is this really happening
Or just being staged?
It can't be real
Not if Leela is engaged
That isn't what I meant
That isn't what I signed
You should have checked the wording
In the fine...
Print
"I'll give you my hand..."
BOTH: In marriage
The use of words expressing something other
Than their literal intention
Now that is irony
(GASPING AND GRUNTING)
I will marry her now and confine her to Hell
How droll
-Where Styx is a river -(GRUNTS)
And not just a band
Though they'll play our reception
If all goes as planned
Unless Fry, you surrender my hands!
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL CRESCENDO)
(QUIET STRING AND PERCUSSION SOLO)
Destiny has cheated me
By forcing me to decide upon
The woman that I idolize
Or the hands of an automaton
Without these hands I can't complete
The opera that was captivating her
But if keep them, and she marries him
Then he probably won't want me dating her
- (ALL APPLAUD AND CHEER) - Arooo.
Brave-o.
En-core.
I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving
I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing
(GRUNTS)
By the power vested in me
By the state of New New York...
No! Stop.
Take my hands...
You evil... metal... dork!
(SOBBING)
(FIENDISH LAUGHTER)
(GASPS)
Surgery in an opera?
How wonderfully decadent.
And just as I was beginning to lose interest.
Jambi, the chocolate icing.
(MOANS) Oh, my, yes.
(GIGGLES) Ooh.
My hands.
My horrible human hands.
(GASPS) And what did you do to my nails?
I cleaned them.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night
and I feel lucky. (GIGGLES)
So, it's back to Hell for me.
- Come on, Nixon. - NIXON: Huh?
- (ALL MUTTERING) - (BEELZEBOT CHUCKLING)
Less reality, more fantasy.
Resume the opera.
But I can't play anymore.
Yes, you can.
The beauty was in your heart,
not your hands.
(PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES)
(ALL BOOING)
Your music's bad, and you should feel bad.
(MAN GRUNTS)
(GROANS) Whoa.
Hey. (EXCLAIMS)
(ALL MURMUR)
Extra, extra.
Greatest opera of all time sucks.
I'll take eight.
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
LEELA: Please don't stop playing, Fry.
I want to hear how it ends.
(PLAYING SIMPLE MELODY)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)