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Encoded by Hunter
Crazy4TV.com
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People, as company bureaucrat,
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I will today be conducting
the annual performance review.
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With a twist.
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(ALL GASPING)
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Oh, no. The firing tie.
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Correct. I will be
evaluating each of you,
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and the lowest-rated employee,
possibly Zoidberg,
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will be fired at sundown.
Zoidberg.
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(LAUGHING)
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Classic Hermes.
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Let the interviews begin. Good
luck, everybody but Zoidberg.
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My Primary duties?
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Well, I assist the Professor
in whatever important research
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he happens to be engaged in.
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(SNORING LOUDLY)
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Yes, sir, I will be sure to snore
that science lamp right away.
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(SNORING)
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Now, Leela, couldn't
we just fire you
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and have Fry or
Bender fly the ship?
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Not if you stand on their
air hose much longer.
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Noted.
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(BENDER YELLING)
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My job? Toilets 'n' boilers,
boilers 'n' toilets.
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Plus that one boiling toilet.
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Fire me, iffen you dare.
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Now, then, while many
of you do half-ass jobs
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and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio
ranges from 42% to a mere 11%,
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only the most pathetically useless
employee will be fired today.
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And that employee is...
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Hermes Conrad.
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What?
No way!
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Hermes, no!
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Yes. My performance review proves
the main drag on our profit
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is the time I waste on
performance reviews.
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But you can't fire yourself now.
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We were just getting
to know each other.
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I've already notified
the central bureaucracy.
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(DOORBELL RINGING) They'll
be here two seconds ago.
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I suppose you're here
to tell me to pack it in?
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Only if you buy me dinner first.
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(LAUGHING)
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I'm being fired.
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I don't think it's appropriate
to joke around like that.
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You're right, Hermes.
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Meet Mark 7-G, the machine
who's replacing you.
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I'm Mark 7-G, the machine
who's replacing you.
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(SIGHING) Will you be
conducting an exit interview?
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Well, I wouldn't say no to a
little friendly debriefing.
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Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered
to relieve yourself of duty.
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Sounds like a party.
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Goodbye.
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(SIGHING)
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Well, this is it.
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But I want you to
know working here
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has been
the experience of a lifetime.
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Off you go.
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So, I hear you're a machine...
Ow!
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Traitor!
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My friend's ample tuchus
is barely out the door,
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and you're already schmoozing
up to his replacement?
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Um, Zoidberg?
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I don't think
Hermes really liked you.
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In fact, he hated you more
than anyone ever hated anyone.
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What, you mean the remarks and the hits?
That was just friend teasing.
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O'!-
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You don't understand.
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He was the only one
who cared enough to insult me.
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I insult you, you fat sack.
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Sure, when it's convenient. But
Hermes was always there for rne.
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And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr.
Bigshot 7-G.
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I'll never see Hermes again.
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On the bright side,
I'll never see Zoidberg again.
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There, there, husband. I made
your favorite, curried goat.
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It better be spicy.
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Well played.
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Ows.
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(PEOPLE GROANING)
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Ah.
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Fire.
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(SCREAMING)
It burns! It burns!
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Not bad.
Needs a little hot sauce.
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I just don't know
how we'll get by.
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Then I guess this wouldn't be a good
time to tell you that I'm pregnant.
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What?
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And you're not the father.
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No!
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(LAUGHING)
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I'm just joking, husband.
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See now? Things don't seem
so bad anymore, do they?
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You're right.
Thank you, LaBarbara.
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Oh, also, I wrecked the car.
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This here is a mugging!
Hand over your skin.
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My ebony splendor?
Me don't think so.
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I said hand it over.
I'm hungry!
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(ALL EXCLAIMING)
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For God's sake, woman,
just give him your skin!
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Can't you see he's crazy?
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You calling me crazy?
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Ain't nothing crazy about rne but my brain.
Right, brain?
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Right! No, not you, right brain.
Right, left brain? Right!
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Okay, then.
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Do something, Hermes.
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I can't! When I fight machinery,
machinery always wins!
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Freeze, bagwad.
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You're under arrest for
attempted epidermicide.
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I'm coming for you, man.
Ain't no jail can hold me.
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That's why you're going straight
to the electromagnetic chair.
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And then I'm-a stab it.
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Stop! It's driving me sane!
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Hey, Benden you should
become an executioner.
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You could kill humans
and wear a cool hood.
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Nah, I like my
victims to know who did it.
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Hermes! Boy,
am I indifferent to see you.
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We need to talk. Alone.
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Okay, Hermes. Sure.
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Fry, could you come in here
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and help me rub on this
new scented body oil?
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In a second.
I'm eavesdropping.
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Please, Fry?
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Leela punishes me
when I don't use enough.
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I said not now!
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Sure, I know a guy.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
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Yuri here runs the most sanitary
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surgical implant
parlor in Filthytown.
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So, I hear you're an expert in the
shadowy field of body augmentation.
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I am expert in shadowy field
of many things.
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I need something that'll
make me less inferior
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to today's modern machinery.
Can you help me?
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No problem.
I prepare operating room.
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(CAT MEOWING)
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Oh, honey, I'm home!
(DOOR OPENING)
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P0p$?
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Is that a harpoon in your chest?
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Yes. And I'm happy to see you.
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And the best part is,
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the whole package fits neatly in the
space where my giblets used to be.
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I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let
me say, that thing is gorgeous.
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But do you really
need chest artillery?
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It's not just a weapon.
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It's the bureaucrat's
best friend. Observe.
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Oh, Mark 7-G?
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Would you mind fetching that
carton from the top shelf?
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(GRUNTING)
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Pitiful and sickening.
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Okay, little man,
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let a professional bureaucrat
show you how it's done.
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My best wasn't good enough.
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I'll need my
personnel file, please.
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Welcome back, old friend.
I missed you terribly.
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You do everything terribly.
And I'm not your friend.
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Good old Hermes.
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When he stops insulting,
that's when I worry.
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Oh, dear!
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I was leaning over the sink
eating pureed clams
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when my teeth
fell in the disposal.
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Scruffy,
could you retrieve them?
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'Taint a boiler nor a toilet.
Pass.
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I'll fetch my hand tools.
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Hand tools?
Why don't you get an
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extendo-arm implant, like mine?
163
00:09:03,330 --> 00:09:05,374
Oh, no. No more implants.
164
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:08,252
I don't want to end up a cold,
emotionless machine like you.
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That's sweet, Hermes.
166
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Maybe I should
get an extendo-arm.
167
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How long will it take to
install an extendo-arm?
168
00:09:21,765 --> 00:09:24,268
I have golf game
in half-hour, so
169
00:09:24,351 --> 00:09:25,394
half-hour.
170
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Thank you, Hermes.
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I don't know. It seems
like a lot of trouble
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to cut off your arm
just to snake a drain.
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It's not just a drain snake.
174
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It comes with a set of
interchangeable accessories.
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00:09:44,747 --> 00:09:46,081
Jackhammer,
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00:09:46,957 --> 00:09:50,127
vegetable peeler,
pipe-bending jig.
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00:09:50,211 --> 00:09:52,504
A machine that can bend?
No way.
178
00:09:52,588 --> 00:09:54,632
But, Hermes,
old friend, didn't you say
179
00:09:54,757 --> 00:09:56,759
you were through
with the implants?
180
00:09:56,842 --> 00:09:58,928
Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.
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Such a mild insult.
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That's not my Hermes.
Speaking of,
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what happened to your
out-off body parts, anyhow?
184
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Right here.
185
00:10:09,063 --> 00:10:11,232
I was going to donate them
to the Salvation Air Force,
186
00:10:11,315 --> 00:10:12,983
but they're starting to rot.
187
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:17,071
Then I'll just take them and, throw
them away, shall I, why not?
188
00:10:18,239 --> 00:10:19,359
(MAKING HIGH-PITCHED SOUNDS)
189
00:10:24,954 --> 00:10:29,250
So, friend, welcome to my home.
I'm very proud of it.
190
00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:31,627
But I want to
hear what you think.
191
00:10:31,919 --> 00:10:34,964
"Oh, mon, I'm Hermes,
and I think it stinks in here
192
00:10:35,047 --> 00:10:38,175
"like a green snake, or something
else that's Jamaican."
193
00:10:39,301 --> 00:10:41,804
Good one at my expense, Hermes.
194
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:49,019
Well, I must admit it's not bad.
195
00:10:49,103 --> 00:10:52,439
And it will cut two or three hours
a day off my cornrowing routine.
196
00:10:52,523 --> 00:10:55,234
Yes, our lives will
never be the same.
197
00:10:56,318 --> 00:10:58,279
Darn it! I'll be right back.
198
00:11:00,197 --> 00:11:01,198
(SNORING)
199
00:11:04,368 --> 00:11:08,914
Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what
do you need a Cylon eye for'?
200
00:11:08,998 --> 00:11:10,791
Now, calm down, dear.
201
00:11:10,874 --> 00:11:14,295
You know, you look
even hotter in infrared.
202
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,097
Husband, some things were
not meant to be cylonned.
203
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:28,267
Now, you must promise me you won't
be getting any more upgrades.
204
00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:29,727
I promise.
205
00:11:36,358 --> 00:11:37,568
ALL: Wow.
206
00:11:44,825 --> 00:11:47,703
Nice shiny metal ass, Hermes.
207
00:11:48,245 --> 00:11:49,246
BENDER'. But...
208
00:11:49,872 --> 00:11:52,041
So, with all these implants,
what exactly
209
00:11:52,166 --> 00:11:54,335
is the difference
between you and a robot?
210
00:11:54,418 --> 00:11:57,504
I still have one thing
no robot shall ever have.
211
00:11:57,588 --> 00:12:00,966
A good old
flesh-and-blood human brain.
212
00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:03,010
Yes, a big, smart brain.
213
00:12:03,093 --> 00:12:06,013
Not like dum-dum Zoidberg,
right, Hermes? Right?
214
00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:09,433
Mecha-Hermes has no interest
in such nonsense.
215
00:12:14,688 --> 00:12:18,192
Mr. Conrad, did you remember
to save the trimmings for me?
216
00:12:18,275 --> 00:12:20,235
Yes, yes, Doctor. Right here.
217
00:12:24,198 --> 00:12:27,493
Wait. You're not eating my
discarded flesh, are you?
218
00:12:27,576 --> 00:12:29,703
How could you even
ask such a thing?
219
00:12:29,787 --> 00:12:32,998
Of course I tried eating you,
but your flesh was too spicy.
220
00:12:33,082 --> 00:12:36,001
Thanks to years of LaBarbara's
curried goat, no doubt.
221
00:12:36,085 --> 00:12:38,879
But my mecha-stomach
has no need of goat.
222
00:12:38,962 --> 00:12:41,840
Mecha-Hermes has spoken!
223
00:12:42,091 --> 00:12:43,384
Mecha-Hermes still wants to know
224
00:12:43,509 --> 00:12:44,843
what you're doing
with his pieces.
225
00:12:44,927 --> 00:12:47,763
Something wonderful.
226
00:12:49,473 --> 00:12:52,851
Give it way up for Dr.
Zoidberg and little Hermes.
227
00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:54,311
(CHEERING)
228
00:12:54,561 --> 00:12:55,896
Hello. Hello.
229
00:12:58,190 --> 00:13:01,944
So, little Hermes, did you
hear I've taken up running?
230
00:13:02,027 --> 00:13:05,656
(IN HERMES' VOICE) "Yeah, from
restaurant to restaurant. Ho-ho, mon.
231
00:13:06,198 --> 00:13:07,199
(CROWD LAUGHING)
232
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:11,328
"Seriously, though,
have you lost weight?"
233
00:13:11,412 --> 00:13:12,454
Yes.
234
00:13:12,538 --> 00:13:14,498
"Looks like you
found it again."
235
00:13:17,668 --> 00:13:20,963
Oh, boy. That was quite
a zinger, old friend.
236
00:13:21,046 --> 00:13:22,131
"I'm not your friend.
237
00:13:22,214 --> 00:13:25,092
"I'm out of here the second
you let go of my bowels."
238
00:13:25,342 --> 00:13:26,343
(ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGHTER)
239
00:13:27,010 --> 00:13:29,805
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be here all week.
240
00:13:29,888 --> 00:13:31,932
"You've been warned, people."
241
00:13:32,766 --> 00:13:34,017
He's good.
242
00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:36,895
I can only see one of his
four mouth tendrils moving.
243
00:13:36,979 --> 00:13:39,606
"So, Mr. Conrad,
did you enjoy the show?"
244
00:13:39,690 --> 00:13:41,108
Alas, no.
245
00:13:41,191 --> 00:13:44,361
Seeing what I once was
filled me with regret.
246
00:13:44,445 --> 00:13:46,697
You could always
undo your implants.
247
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:49,283
Regret that I still
have one human part.
248
00:13:49,366 --> 00:13:54,788
That meat puppet disgusts me. It's
time for the ultimate upgrade.
249
00:13:54,872 --> 00:13:57,458
But the only thing you haven't
upgraded is your brain.
250
00:13:57,541 --> 00:13:58,917
Exactly.
251
00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:00,210
(ALL GASPING)
252
00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:02,379
Oops.
253
00:14:03,964 --> 00:14:08,802
Robot brain implant? Never. No
one in right mind would do that.
254
00:14:09,219 --> 00:14:10,220
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
255
00:14:21,523 --> 00:14:24,193
A freshly dug robot grave.
256
00:14:24,401 --> 00:14:26,195
Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.
257
00:14:26,278 --> 00:14:27,821
Step aside.
258
00:14:34,870 --> 00:14:37,331
Bing-reka! The brain circuit.
259
00:14:37,414 --> 00:14:40,292
Come, fellows.
Let's go home and install it.
260
00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:44,087
Enjoy eternity without your
brain, anonymous dead robot.
261
00:14:44,338 --> 00:14:45,339
(BENDER CHUCKLING)
262
00:14:59,770 --> 00:15:03,732
So, little Hermes, are you ready
to watch some brain surgery?
263
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:07,069
"I'm ready to shoot myself
if it'll get me off your lap."
264
00:15:09,321 --> 00:15:13,700
Open the dome and unleash
the power of the heavens!
265
00:15:23,377 --> 00:15:24,378
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
266
00:15:27,422 --> 00:15:32,219
Ah, now I can see what I'm doing.
Commence the operation!
267
00:15:32,302 --> 00:15:34,638
Terminate the operation.
268
00:15:34,721 --> 00:15:36,306
LaBarbara? Dwight?
269
00:15:36,390 --> 00:15:39,101
I just got an urgent
text from little Hermes.
270
00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:42,980
You can't do this thing. You don't
even know whose brain that is.
271
00:15:43,063 --> 00:15:44,231
It doesn't matter.
272
00:15:44,356 --> 00:15:47,734
Any robot brain will improve my
fitness as a husband and father.
273
00:15:47,818 --> 00:15:49,987
You can't be
a husband and father
274
00:15:50,153 --> 00:15:52,364
if you don't
have a wife and son.
275
00:15:52,447 --> 00:15:53,574
Wait.
276
00:15:53,824 --> 00:15:56,285
I care about you
too much to lose you.
277
00:15:56,910 --> 00:16:00,706
But my new robot brain won't.
Commence the operation.
278
00:16:00,789 --> 00:16:01,790
(ALL GASPING)
279
00:16:01,999 --> 00:16:04,751
Well you'll have to commence
it without me, Hermes.
280
00:16:04,835 --> 00:16:06,753
And commence living without me.
281
00:16:06,837 --> 00:16:09,715
Because I will commence
divorce proceedings.
282
00:16:09,798 --> 00:16:12,384
Oh, I hope to God
I'm using that word correctly.
283
00:16:15,596 --> 00:16:18,056
Oh, I can't do this, Hermes.
284
00:16:18,223 --> 00:16:20,767
Your wife's moving plea
has made me realize
285
00:16:20,851 --> 00:16:23,061
you might have
litigious survivors.
286
00:16:23,145 --> 00:16:24,771
Oh, thank you, Professor.
287
00:16:24,855 --> 00:16:25,939
Come now.
288
00:16:26,023 --> 00:16:28,543
Let's go try that Korean noodle
place you were telling me about.
289
00:16:30,235 --> 00:16:34,239
There will be no noodles until
the operation is complete.
290
00:16:40,871 --> 00:16:42,831
You can't force me to operate.
291
00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:45,751
Maybe not, but perhaps
I can encourage you
292
00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:47,711
with my encouragement drill.
293
00:16:52,132 --> 00:16:54,468
Wait. I'll perform
the surgery.
294
00:16:54,551 --> 00:16:56,970
You? With those clumsy claws?
295
00:16:57,054 --> 00:16:58,138
It's true, old friend.
296
00:16:58,221 --> 00:17:01,016
My claws are too clumsy
for such delicate work.
297
00:17:02,184 --> 00:17:03,977
"But mine aren't.
298
00:17:05,395 --> 00:17:07,814
"You, mon,
give me that robot brain."
299
00:17:07,898 --> 00:17:10,150
And you, metal guy, lie down.
300
00:17:10,233 --> 00:17:13,487
Zoidberg, this makes no sense.
Why are you helping him?
301
00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:15,131
And what's that catchy beat?
(ROCK BEAT BEGINNING)
302
00:17:15,155 --> 00:17:16,740
I'll tell you. Two, three...
303
00:17:16,823 --> 00:17:20,118
I was lonesome for my friend
a minute ago
304
00:17:20,202 --> 00:17:23,872
When a happy thought
dispelled my woe
305
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:27,000
And I felt perhaps he'd be
a bit less dull
306
00:17:27,084 --> 00:17:30,212
"if I sliced up
his cyborg skull"
307
00:17:30,295 --> 00:17:31,672
He wants a brain
308
00:17:31,755 --> 00:17:33,674
He wants a robot brain
309
00:17:33,757 --> 00:17:35,008
Another brain
310
00:17:35,342 --> 00:17:37,427
Let's see if he feels pain
311
00:17:37,511 --> 00:17:38,762
A brand-new brain
312
00:17:38,845 --> 00:17:40,764
It might drive him insane
313
00:17:40,847 --> 00:17:42,349
He wants a brain
314
00:17:42,432 --> 00:17:44,267
He wants a robot brain
315
00:17:44,768 --> 00:17:47,521
Wah-ooh Wah-wah-ooh
316
00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:51,608
Does anyone else find it freaky
317
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:54,277
that Zoidberg is singing
harmony with himself?
318
00:17:54,361 --> 00:17:55,946
Oh, loosen up, Amy.
319
00:17:56,029 --> 00:17:58,323
My condolences, LaBarbara.
320
00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:00,200
I hope you find some comfort
321
00:18:00,283 --> 00:18:03,412
in staring at this throbbing
mass of nerve tissue.
322
00:18:04,621 --> 00:18:06,164
Oh, he's gone!
323
00:18:06,248 --> 00:18:08,542
Oh, Zoidberg,
what have you done?
324
00:18:08,709 --> 00:18:12,629
I'll tell you what I've done.
I've brought your husband baok.
325
00:18:23,265 --> 00:18:24,266
(ALL GASPING)
326
00:18:24,349 --> 00:18:25,517
Pops.
327
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,061
Sweet reawakenin'
of me, a Jamaican-in.
328
00:18:28,145 --> 00:18:29,855
Hermes, you're alive.
329
00:18:29,938 --> 00:18:31,773
And practically rhyming.
330
00:18:32,691 --> 00:18:35,861
Wife, Son, I am so sorry.
331
00:18:35,944 --> 00:18:39,239
Once I started upgrading
myself, I lost all control.
332
00:18:39,322 --> 00:18:40,741
But I see now
333
00:18:40,824 --> 00:18:43,827
that if you can't be man
enough with your own parts,
334
00:18:43,910 --> 00:18:46,121
no amount of
machinery will help.
335
00:18:47,873 --> 00:18:48,874
(LABARBARA MOANING)
336
00:18:50,584 --> 00:18:52,294
(IN ROBERTO'S VOICE)
Not so fast.
337
00:18:52,669 --> 00:18:53,670
(ALL GASPING)
338
00:18:53,879 --> 00:18:55,547
But faster than that!
339
00:19:01,762 --> 00:19:04,306
It's that insane robot, Roberto.
340
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,518
Quick, Hermes, the keys.
341
00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:10,687
I left them in my other body.
342
00:19:10,771 --> 00:19:11,897
Oh, yeah.
343
00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:15,859
And I'm-a stick them in your pancreas
till I find one that opens it.
344
00:19:16,234 --> 00:19:17,235
(ROBERTO SCREAMING)
345
00:19:27,954 --> 00:19:32,083
I'm gonna peel off your skin and
eat it like pencil shavings.
346
00:19:34,795 --> 00:19:37,047
Thank God Zoidberg
didn't reattach my nerves.
347
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,969
That's tasty. Too tasty.
348
00:19:43,386 --> 00:19:44,387
(SCREAMING)
349
00:19:44,930 --> 00:19:48,099
It burns. It... It burns!
350
00:19:48,683 --> 00:19:49,810
What's happening?
351
00:19:49,893 --> 00:19:51,269
The spicy curried goat.
352
00:19:51,394 --> 00:19:53,480
Hermes' skin is so
saturated with it
353
00:19:53,605 --> 00:19:55,732
that it's
dissolving the bad robot.
354
00:20:00,237 --> 00:20:02,614
In the end, all his implants
355
00:20:02,697 --> 00:20:05,283
were no match for my wife's
reckless seasoning.
356
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:08,119
Now, husband, don't you
think you owe Zoidberg
357
00:20:08,203 --> 00:20:10,789
a thank-you for
saving you from yourself?
358
00:20:12,249 --> 00:20:13,375
But I hate him.
359
00:20:13,458 --> 00:20:15,794
Honey, we all do.
But fair is fair.
360
00:20:19,297 --> 00:20:22,759
Zoidberg, I... I know we
have never been friends,
361
00:20:22,843 --> 00:20:25,428
but I appreciate what you did.
362
00:20:26,012 --> 00:20:27,430
Thank you.
363
00:20:28,098 --> 00:20:30,267
Never been friends?
364
00:20:31,643 --> 00:20:33,395
Ouch! What a zinger.
365
00:20:33,478 --> 00:20:36,731
Well, here's one for you,
Mr. Not-my-friend Conrad.
366
00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:39,442
You acted like a big jerk.
367
00:20:39,526 --> 00:20:41,862
You were selfish and stupid,
and you don't deserve
368
00:20:41,945 --> 00:20:44,656
a wife like LaBarbara
or a friend like me.
369
00:20:45,198 --> 00:20:46,199
(LAUGHING)
370
00:20:46,658 --> 00:20:48,577
It's funny because it's mean.
371
00:20:48,660 --> 00:20:52,163
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be here forever.
372
00:20:53,874 --> 00:20:56,376
Wah-ooh Wah-wah-ooh
373
00:20:57,294 --> 00:20:58,670
He's doing it again.