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Encoded by Hunter
Crazy4TV.com
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Welcome back to
the Clippie Awards,
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honoring the year's most
accomplished delivery boys.
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Our next category is
Best Newcomer on a Bicycle.
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Good luck, Dwight.
(RINGS BELL)
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And the nominees are
Johnny Jensen from Rent-A-Cat,
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Nezzbin Zalgabarg, Ten-Minute Underwear,
and Dwight Conrad, Speedy Wig.
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And the Clippie goes to...
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Little Johnny Jensen!
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Don't feel bad, son.
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We couldn't be
more proud of you.
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Unless, of course,
you had won the award.
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Man, you're so lucky
to have your family here.
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The stupid professor
didn't even show up for me.
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I'd just like to
thank my awesome parents.
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We love you, Johnny!
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Shh!
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Now, to get all serious.
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It's time to pay tribute
to the brave delivery boys
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who gave their lives this past
year in the line of duty.
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Gene Tinker, bus.
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Charles Kiley, train.
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Mike Pisarik, lion.
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They're on
the truck to Heaven now.
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Up next, the award
for Best Delivery Boy,
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Newspaper, Phone Book,
or Miscellaneous.
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Miscellaneous, that's me.
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The nominees are
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Gene Tinker, Charles Kiley, Mike
Pisarik, and Philip J. Fry.
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And the Clippie goes to...
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(STRAINING)
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Philip J. Fry!
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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
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Sign here.
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Wow! I'd like to thank the
Academy of Delivery Sciences,
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my lovely robot, Bender,
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and most of all, my dear
nephew, Professor Farnsworth.
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He always has time for me, whether
it's sending me on a delivery,
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or just pulling me aside to
tell me I'm doing a bad job.
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And why? Because he's family, and
family is always there for each other.
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I'm sorry, but I can't keep
reading this tissue of lies.
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The truth is, Professor Farnsworth
is a cold, heartless jerk!
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And the fish sticks were limp!
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Ooh. Hefty.
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You could really bash in
a skull with this thing.
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I know, right?
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(CLEARING THROAT)
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What? Your awards show.
I'm sorry I couldn't make it,
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but I had a very good reason.
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Perhaps you'd favor us with it?
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My pleasure.
You see, I came down
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with a searing case
of "who-gives-a-crap?"
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(LAUGHING)
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(GROWLING)
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I wish I had more
living relatives.
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00:03:29,113 --> 00:03:30,573
What about the
professor's parents?
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They're still alive?
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Sure, they exhibit
all the telltale signs.
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Toenails growing, hearts pumping
fluid, the whole shmagoigle.
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So where do these fossils live?
In sedimentary rock?
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(LAUGHING)
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No. According to
his next of kin file,
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they live in a virtual retirement
home on the Near-Death Star.
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I've been there. Let's boldly
go where we've gone before.
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Halt! Visitors
are forbidden.
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Oh, really? Does that rule
apply to Clippie winners?
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I'm sorry, sir.
Go right in.
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That's Philip J. Fry!
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Ned and Velma Farnsworth. 423,
Shadybrook Lane. Let's hover-roll.
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Fry, you're so confident
and take-charge on this trip.
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It's kind of a turn-on.
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Not now, Leela. I'm trying
to meet old people.
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(2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
THEME SONG PLAYING)
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(DOOR BELL CHIMES)
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My God!
It's full of geezers.
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FRY: Hey, why are they
hooked up like that?
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Is it some kind of Craft-matic:
adjustable death bed?
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(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
Don't be ridiculous.
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Their bodies are being used
to generate electricity.
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The idea came from an old
movie called The Matrix.
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But wouldn't almost anything make a
better battery than a human body?
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Like a potato?
Or a battery?
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Plus, no matter how much
energy they produced,
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it would take more energy
than that to keep them alive.
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I know, I know.
It sounds absurd.
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In fact, when The
Matrix first came out,
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it seemed like
the single crummiest,
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laziest, most awful,
dimwitted idea
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in the entire history of science
fiction, but it turned out to be true.
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Who knew?
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Good work, writer of The Matrix.
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FRY: This is it,
room 1119.
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Aw! It's my relatives.
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I'm gonna call them
Gram-gram and Shabba-doo.
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Theylookjust like you, Fry.
Arms, legs, ugly.
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Too bad we can't visit them
in their virtual world.
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We can.
Just moisten your heads
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and put on these
real-to-virtual adapter caps.
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Hmm, electricity plus
hats with wires on them.
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Are you sure this is safe?
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It's not just safe,
it's 40% safe.
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(SCREAMING)
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Bender is falling!
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Whoa!
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Told you it was safe.
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So this is my relatives'
virtual old-folks home?
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There's only one word for it.
Terrible. And also horrible.
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This is their room. They're
gonna be so excited to meet me.
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Hi. I'm your
distant relative.
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Forget it, you flimflammer. I
can smell a scam a mile away.
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Reverse mortgages. Get your
reverse mortgages here.
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Come in, come in.
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So you're really
my grandson, huh?
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Well, it's not
quite that simple.
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See, I got frozen, and your son,
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Professor Farnsworth, is my
great-great-great-great-great-great...
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Eh?
What?
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Yep, I'm your
grandson all right.
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A grandson?
My, you're a big boy.
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What are you,
a junior in high school?
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Most recently, yes.
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Oh, you look so thin.
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Can I offer you some
virtual ham casserole?
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Sounds delicious.
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Mmm.
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Oh, nobody's eaten my
food like that in ages.
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I don't cook much since
we moved out of reality.
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(SNORING)
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And that's how I got
this scar above my eye.
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And this fork inside my lung.
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That's a doozy. Hey, look at this.
I can pull my thumb off.
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Stop, Shabba-doo,
you're freaking me out.
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Don't let him getyournose.
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(ALL LAUGHING)
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Oh, Lord.
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It's so nice to have more family.
All I had was the Professor,
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and he's kind of
crotchety and moldy.
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You should have seen him
when he was little.
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My golly, he was
crotchety and moldy.
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We miss him terribly,
but it sure has
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been nice spending
time with you.
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It gets lonely and
depressing around here,
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with no entertainment exceptthe
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(SHOUTS)
rigged Bingo!
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MAN: (THROUGH WALL)
Prove it, loser!
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Well, we should get going. It
was great to meet you, though,
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and hear about how bursitis
transcends physical existence.
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Keep up with your studies, huh?
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What? Oh, God,
I'm still here?
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I'll miss you guys!
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I don't think Gram-gram likes that place.
And I know Shabba-don't.
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I sure wish they
could come with us.
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(ALARM BLARING)
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Elder abuse! Elder abuse!
Elder abuse! Elder abuse!
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Elder abuse! Elder abuse!
Elder abuse! Elder abuse!
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Go it! Fastly!
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(ENGINE CRANKING)
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It won't start.
The batteries are dead.
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Oh, I'm about to lose
history's greatest life
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all because of some
useless old people.
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They're not useless.
They can cook ham casserole,
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and watch TV at incredible volume,
and they generate electricity.
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(GASPS) That's it!
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00:10:13,350 --> 00:10:14,351
(ENGINE STARTS)
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We can cut them off.
Turn left at Miriam Feinberg.
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00:10:29,617 --> 00:10:30,618
I meant Feingold!
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00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:45,799
It's so nice to meet
the Professor's parents.
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00:10:46,008 --> 00:10:49,178
I'm Dr. Zoidberg.
I'm very important.
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00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:52,014
Hey, Zoidberg, you forgot
to empty this trash can.
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Don't hit me!
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00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:57,394
I bet the Professor will be
thrilled to see you again.
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00:10:57,519 --> 00:11:01,065
Oh, Professor. Some special
old people are here for you.
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Are they my zombies from
Hammacher Schlemmer?
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00:11:03,776 --> 00:11:04,777
(GASPS)
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Mama? Daddy?
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Son!
Hey, kiddo!
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Leave me alone! I never
want to see you again!
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00:11:15,162 --> 00:11:16,914
What crawled up his Geritol?
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00:11:16,997 --> 00:11:19,041
Well, to be honest,
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a few troubling things
did happen in our past.
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00:11:22,211 --> 00:11:25,297
Lady, all of human history
happened in your past!
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00:11:25,381 --> 00:11:26,674
(LAUGHS)
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00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:30,761
Ah, let's not let those
dark days ruin our visit.
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00:11:30,844 --> 00:11:34,306
Philip, what do you say we
go out today and live it up?
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00:11:34,431 --> 00:11:37,601
"Live it up"? I'll be
surprised if you live it out!
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(LAUGHS) VVhoo! You're on fire!
187
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(LAUGHING)
188
00:12:20,894 --> 00:12:23,355
Whoa! Looks like
you guys had fun.
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00:12:23,564 --> 00:12:25,691
Did we ever!
Gram-gram fell down at the
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00:12:25,816 --> 00:12:27,943
ice cream store and
we got free ice cream!
191
00:12:28,235 --> 00:12:30,321
Now let's all go take a nap!
192
00:12:30,404 --> 00:12:32,114
(WHOOPING)
193
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:03,687
Professor, Amy and I
are concerned that... Oh!
194
00:13:03,771 --> 00:13:05,439
(sesame)
195
00:13:07,775 --> 00:13:09,735
Aw, what's wrong?
196
00:13:10,194 --> 00:13:14,406
I just want my parents to love me.
God, how I hate them!
197
00:13:14,490 --> 00:13:16,200
Of course they love you!
198
00:13:16,283 --> 00:13:19,787
Not like they love Fry! They
never played with me like that.
199
00:13:19,953 --> 00:13:23,707
They were always "too tired."
Oh, what awful parents!
200
00:13:23,916 --> 00:13:26,877
Come closer. I'll tell
you the whole story.
201
00:13:27,294 --> 00:13:30,089
Tell you what. Let's get an
opaque bubble layer going.
202
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:34,468
Okay, go.
203
00:13:34,802 --> 00:13:37,721
It all started
a century and a half ago.
204
00:13:39,098 --> 00:13:42,434
I had a perfectly normal
adolescence in New New York.
205
00:13:42,601 --> 00:13:45,187
But my parents were simple
hedge fund managers
206
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:48,065
who couldn't appreciate
my interest in science.
207
00:13:48,315 --> 00:13:50,818
Mom, Dad, look what I made!
208
00:13:51,110 --> 00:13:54,154
(YAWNING)
That's wonderful, dear.
209
00:13:55,072 --> 00:13:56,990
Here you go, Squeakers.
210
00:13:58,742 --> 00:14:01,870
I was accepted to
MIT at the age of 14,
211
00:14:01,954 --> 00:14:05,874
but my parents crushed my dreams
like a discarded frog head.
212
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:08,919
Honey, I'm afraid
we can't let you go.
213
00:14:09,002 --> 00:14:12,256
You're just not emotionally
mature enough for college yet.
214
00:14:12,339 --> 00:14:14,341
(IMITATING)
"Not mature enough..."
215
00:14:14,425 --> 00:14:15,426
(SHRIEKS)
216
00:14:15,509 --> 00:14:16,885
(BLUBBERING)
217
00:14:16,969 --> 00:14:19,263
Worried that city
life was filling my head
218
00:14:19,388 --> 00:14:21,723
with an unhealthy
respect for education,
219
00:14:21,807 --> 00:14:25,686
my parents moved us
to a peaceful farm.
220
00:14:26,061 --> 00:14:27,813
(WAILING)
221
00:14:28,188 --> 00:14:29,398
I think that's sweet.
222
00:14:29,523 --> 00:14:30,774
Oh, shut up!
223
00:14:33,610 --> 00:14:35,988
You're all I have left,
Squeakers.
224
00:14:36,071 --> 00:14:37,406
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
225
00:14:37,865 --> 00:14:39,366
(WAILING)
226
00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:43,203
Oh, God, I hated that place. My
parents kept me there for years.
227
00:14:43,287 --> 00:14:48,167
So when I finally ran away, I vowed
never to speak to them again!
228
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:51,545
That's a really sad and
long story, Professor.
229
00:14:51,628 --> 00:14:54,465
ButyouWlneverget over this unless
you go to your parents now
230
00:14:54,590 --> 00:14:56,967
and tell them
honestly how you feel.
231
00:14:57,217 --> 00:15:00,345
(SNIFFLING)
You're right. I will.
232
00:15:01,555 --> 00:15:03,807
Oh, I hate you,
I hate you, I hate you!
233
00:15:03,891 --> 00:15:06,393
You ruined my life!
Goodbye!
234
00:15:06,894 --> 00:15:08,520
(WAILING)
235
00:15:14,526 --> 00:15:17,821
That is one crazy,
uncircumcised old man.
236
00:15:22,993 --> 00:15:24,036
(DOOR OPENS)
237
00:15:24,912 --> 00:15:26,997
I almost headed off the
Professor at the East River,
238
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,499
but the wind
caught his skin flaps
239
00:15:28,582 --> 00:15:31,168
and sent him parasailing
over the Queensboro Bridge.
240
00:15:31,293 --> 00:15:34,046
Why would he go to Queens?
He doesn't need tires.
241
00:15:34,838 --> 00:15:36,924
Our old farm was in Queens.
242
00:15:37,007 --> 00:15:39,760
He must've gone back there to
defile it with his nudity!
243
00:15:39,843 --> 00:15:41,303
Come on, hurry!
244
00:15:41,512 --> 00:15:42,930
(GROANING)
245
00:15:45,974 --> 00:15:48,477
Why are you so eager to
find the Professor, Fry?
246
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:49,853
Aren't you mad at him?
247
00:15:49,937 --> 00:15:52,314
Of course I'm mad.
That's been established.
248
00:15:52,397 --> 00:15:55,275
I just want to find him for
Gram-gram and Shabba-dods sake.
249
00:15:55,859 --> 00:15:56,860
Who?
250
00:15:56,944 --> 00:15:59,488
Faster, faster!
Okay, stop short!
251
00:16:00,322 --> 00:16:01,323
(GRUNTS)
252
00:16:03,325 --> 00:16:04,785
There's the old place.
253
00:16:06,370 --> 00:16:08,413
Hasn't changed a bit.
254
00:16:08,497 --> 00:16:10,749
Put on your glasses, sweetie.
255
00:16:10,832 --> 00:16:11,833
Ahh!
256
00:16:15,963 --> 00:16:16,964
(FARNSWORTH BLUBBERING)
257
00:16:17,297 --> 00:16:18,882
(GASPS)
I hear something.
258
00:16:23,345 --> 00:16:25,389
(CRYING)
259
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:26,765
It's the Professor.
260
00:16:27,849 --> 00:16:30,102
Yes, everyone look at the freak.
261
00:16:30,185 --> 00:16:33,397
His parents didn't love
him, so they kept him here,
262
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,484
100 miles from the nearest microscope!
(SNIFFLES)
263
00:16:37,568 --> 00:16:39,820
Why? Why?
264
00:16:39,945 --> 00:16:40,946
(SIGHS)
265
00:16:41,029 --> 00:16:44,533
He deserves the truth, Velma. I
think he's old enough to handle it.
266
00:16:45,325 --> 00:16:50,414
Cupcake, we never told you this,
but you had an older brother.
267
00:16:51,540 --> 00:16:52,541
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
268
00:16:54,459 --> 00:16:56,962
GRAM-GRAM: In many ways,
he was like you.
269
00:16:57,045 --> 00:17:00,632
He loved science and was
desperate to go to college.
270
00:17:00,716 --> 00:17:03,010
He even looked
a little like you.
271
00:17:05,262 --> 00:17:07,264
But the sad fact was...
272
00:17:07,347 --> 00:17:10,350
Oh, how can I
put this delicately?
273
00:17:10,434 --> 00:17:12,603
He was a crazy-ass nut job!
274
00:17:12,686 --> 00:17:15,105
Thank you, Ned.
But so what?
275
00:17:15,188 --> 00:17:19,109
He was our crazy-ass nut
job, and we loved him.
276
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:20,986
(SHRIEKING)
277
00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:24,740
GRAM-G RAM: Every night, the poor
boy had terrors in his sleep.
278
00:17:24,948 --> 00:17:27,534
His pajamas would
be soaked with sweat.
279
00:17:27,743 --> 00:17:29,953
Yeah, sweat. Right.
280
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,956
GRAM-GRAM: We'd stay
at his bedside all night.
281
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,543
And whenever he'd start moaning
and sweating his pants,
282
00:17:36,627 --> 00:17:39,338
we'd read to him
from his favorite book.
283
00:17:39,713 --> 00:17:45,761
Eighty-one, thallium. Eighty-two, lead.
Eighty-three, bismuth.
284
00:17:46,219 --> 00:17:49,389
SHABBA-DOO: The poor little psycho
never could've survived on his own.
285
00:17:49,473 --> 00:17:51,975
So we kept him on the
farm as long as we could.
286
00:17:52,309 --> 00:17:55,312
GRAM-GRAM: (SNIFFLES)
But one night, he ran away,
287
00:17:55,395 --> 00:17:58,065
taking nothing but
the clothes on his back.
288
00:17:58,148 --> 00:17:59,733
(WHOOPING)
289
00:18:01,026 --> 00:18:02,027
Whoa!
290
00:18:07,074 --> 00:18:10,744
GRAM-GRAM: He was admitted
to a prestigious institution.
291
00:18:11,036 --> 00:18:13,413
A mental institution!
292
00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:18,752
SHABBA-DOO: Got himself a full wackademic
scholarship. And we never saw him again.
293
00:18:19,503 --> 00:18:22,255
We couldn't let you end up
like your older brother.
294
00:18:22,589 --> 00:18:24,841
That's why we
kept you on the farm,
295
00:18:24,925 --> 00:18:28,345
and helped you get your online
doctorate in Rodeo Studies.
296
00:18:28,595 --> 00:18:30,430
(STUTTERING)
Rodeo Studies?
297
00:18:30,639 --> 00:18:33,100
We did it out of
love for you, Floyd.
298
00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:37,062
Floyd? VVho the hell's Floyd?
I'm Hubert!
299
00:18:37,270 --> 00:18:40,232
You're Hubert?
The older brother?
300
00:18:40,357 --> 00:18:41,608
(GASPING)
301
00:18:41,692 --> 00:18:44,778
But we thought you were
still in an institution!
302
00:18:44,861 --> 00:18:48,573
Oh, no, no.
I was out within 25 years.
303
00:18:48,657 --> 00:18:51,535
It felt like a minute
compared to grad school.
304
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:55,622
Oh, Hubie, we're so
happy to see you again.
305
00:18:55,706 --> 00:19:00,252
Wait. Was all that true? Did you
really sit up with me every night?
306
00:19:00,377 --> 00:19:01,878
You bet, sport.
307
00:19:01,962 --> 00:19:04,923
That's why we were always
too tired to play with you.
308
00:19:05,006 --> 00:19:07,175
I'm so sorry we
never got the chance.
309
00:19:09,302 --> 00:19:12,431
Oh, Mama! Daddy!
310
00:19:12,931 --> 00:19:15,225
(sesame)
311
00:19:15,809 --> 00:19:16,809
Ahem!
312
00:19:16,852 --> 00:19:21,606
Ah, this may not be the best
time, but a couple years ago,
313
00:19:21,690 --> 00:19:23,400
a homeless rodeo
clown named Floyd
314
00:19:23,525 --> 00:19:25,235
came to the door
claiming he was...
315
00:19:25,318 --> 00:19:28,488
Bendefl Why do you always have
to be the center of attention?
316
00:19:35,245 --> 00:19:38,999
You're sure you want to go
back to the Near-Death Star?
317
00:19:39,082 --> 00:19:43,295
My, yes. Our muscles are
sore, our bones ache.
318
00:19:43,378 --> 00:19:45,046
My damn skin even hurts.
319
00:19:45,130 --> 00:19:47,758
It's no dream house,
but we get fed through
320
00:19:47,883 --> 00:19:50,552
our spines and
the rent is reasonable.
321
00:19:54,055 --> 00:19:56,767
Don't worry. I'll come
back and visit sometime.
322
00:19:56,850 --> 00:20:00,979
How about December, when they inject
the holidays into our brains?
323
00:20:01,188 --> 00:20:03,023
That sounds nice, Gram-gram.
324
00:20:03,982 --> 00:20:06,568
Well, son, I guess
this is goodbye again.
325
00:20:06,693 --> 00:20:07,861
Not quite yet.
326
00:20:07,944 --> 00:20:11,865
I took the liberty of reprogramming
your retirement simulation.
327
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,495
Why don't I come in for a
moment and show you around?
328
00:20:25,670 --> 00:20:29,299
Good virtual God!
It's our old farm.
329
00:20:29,382 --> 00:20:31,176
It's beautiful.
330
00:20:31,259 --> 00:20:35,138
Appearances. Just a simple
matter of appearances.
331
00:20:35,222 --> 00:20:36,556
Speaking of which...
332
00:20:38,725 --> 00:20:39,726
(BOTH GASPING)
333
00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:45,398
My boy!
My beautiful boy!
334
00:20:45,565 --> 00:20:49,152
One last chance to play,
if you're not too tired.
335
00:20:49,361 --> 00:20:52,322
Not too tired to chase you,
you cute little nut job!
336
00:20:52,405 --> 00:20:53,657
Come on, Velma.
337
00:20:53,782 --> 00:20:54,991
Someone needs tickles!
338
00:20:55,075 --> 00:20:57,494
I'm gonna get you!
Here I come!
339
00:20:57,619 --> 00:21:00,080
I almost got you!
Come here, you.
340
00:21:02,249 --> 00:21:03,583
(SQUEAKING)