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♪ Two... two, three... ♪
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Futurama presents...:
Mutual of omicron's wild universe
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brought to you by
mutual of omicron...
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insuring your world,
and its destruction.
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Tonight's planet: A primitive
backwater known only as...
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Earth.
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Sync and corrections by Tony for
www.Addic7ed.Com
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narrator:
Of all the creatures on earth,
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none has a more
thrilling life cycle
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than the intrepid salmon.
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It all begins in a cold,
freshwater stream,
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where the salmon eggs incubate.
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I'm born, baby!
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Narrator: The new hatchlings
are known as "Fry."
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What's your name?
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I don't have a name.
I'm a salmon.
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Narrator: After three
years in the stream,
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the young salmon are ready
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for the arduous journey
to the ocean.
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I do look forward to
cavorting in the spray.
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Narrator:
The trip will be dangerous.
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Only three in ten will survive.
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Let's all ten of us go together.
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There's safety in numbers.
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Ah!
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Mm. I reckon my boy
will be right pleased
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when I regurgitate
that into his mouth.
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Narrator: Looming ahead:
Nature's waterfall,
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the cliff of the waters.
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Ah, it sure is relaxing getting
swept along by this current.
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Whoa!
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Salmon
Hedonismbot: Oh my!
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Salmon
Hedonismbot: Oh dear!
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Salmon
Hedonismbot: Oh yes!
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This just in.
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Three dead in foamy plunge.
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Oh... oh.
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Still, six out of ten alive.
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That's considered good
for our species!
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Five out of ten, also nice.
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Ayup.
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Except the salmon.
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Uh, hello.
Who are you?
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I'm a salmon.
Really? Me too!
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No way!
So, uh, hey...
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I don't want to be
too forward, but...
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I'd like to mate
with you in a few years
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when we're sexually mature.
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I'd like that.
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Coho, what have we here?
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I'm a pieces.
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And you?
Also pieces.
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We're all pieces.
Then it's a date.
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I'll see you at spawning time.
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No, thanks.
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I've already found my mate.
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You haven't ignored
the last of me...
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narrator: Having reached maturity,
it is time for the salmon to spawn.
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Thus begins their
1000-mile journey
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back to the exact stream
in which they were born.
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So how do we find our way home?
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Nobody knows!
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Narrator:
Experts are unsure
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whether salmon navigate
by memory, sense of smell,
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or by detecting variations
in earth's magnetic field.
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Okay, everybody do one
of those three things.
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well, this is it.
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Home, stream home.
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No, it isn't!
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I was born
in the next stream up!
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You're from next stream up?
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So am I!
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I can tell by the magnets
in my head, or whatever.
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Let's go!
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Narrator: The urge to spawn
drives the salmon inexorably
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toward the stream of its birth.
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Stupid body!
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Why won't you go to
that other stream?
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Nobody knows!
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Narrator:
I just told you!
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Goodbye!
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It was fun maturing with you,
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but at this point
in my life cycle,
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I need a mate who's within
squirting distance.
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I'll never forget you... fish.
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Come on, loxy lady,
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it's time for us to
get naughty by nature!
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No!
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Well, here goes something...
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Don't make it...
Don't make it!
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Ouch!
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Son of a fish!
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00:05:09,794 --> 00:05:12,129
Pfft. Jumping is for suckers.
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Oh, I'm good!
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Who wants a piece of me?
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I'll try a bite!
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Narrator: Having completed
its perilous journey,
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the exhausted salmon
enters the final phase
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of its life cycle.
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The female deposits her eggs
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and the male fertilizes them.
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Okay, who's next?
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There's a lot more
where that came from!
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I can't see them any more!
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What if they're mating?
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Who cares?
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Just release your milt already!
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Everybody's doing it!
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No!
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I refuse to release anything
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unless it's in the vicinity of
the eggs of the fish I love!
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Tell my offspring I loved me...
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Very much...
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Oh, yeah.
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Plop those roundies.
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Ah!
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Ooh!
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All right, step aside.
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Time to let my bad boys loose.
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Ah!
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I am brrr,
devourer of fish and honey!
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I'm coming, darling!
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Hm, I shouldn't...
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But who's counting?
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Help! Fish police!
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Two salmon for dinner?
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What? It's spawning season!
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It's a bear holiday!
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That is what you said when
you found those boy scouts!
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Next you'll be telling me
I can't crap in the woods!
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That's it!
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We're hibernating in
separate caves this winter!
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My love!
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You... you made it!
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You overcame salmon instinct and
left your home stream for me!
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Mmm.
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So are you gonna
fertilize my eggs now?
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Already taken care of.
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Well, we swam away
and then we came back.
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It's been an interesting life.
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And the best part is,
it had a happy ending.
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Narrator: And so the endless
circle of life comes to an end,
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meaningless and grim.
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Why did they live,
and why did they die?
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No reason.
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Narrator:
The isolated Galápagos islands.
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A veritable pageant
of evolutionary science.
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Home to dozens of species found
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nowhere else,
such as Darwin's finches,
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and the marine iguana.
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Also the blue-footed booby!
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That's fairly interesting!
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Note the blue
coloration of the...
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Narrator: Of all the
creatures in the Galápagos,
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none is rarer or more tragic
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than the Pinta island tortoise.
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Only a single living specimen
is known to exist:
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Lonesome Hubert.
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Sad news, everyone.
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I'm lonesome.
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Hey, would it cheer
you up if we gave you
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a symbiotic parasite cleaning?
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Would it? Would it? Would it?
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Fine, knock yourself out.
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Narrator:
The Galápagos finches
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eat parasites off
the tortoise's skin,
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a mutually
beneficial arrangement.
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Except for the parasite!
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How's that, Hubert?
Feeling better?
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A good beaking usually
cheers me right up,
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but today it's no use.
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My species is
as good as extinct.
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I haven't seen a female
of my kind in over 100 years!
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There's got to be
a lady tortoise
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out there for you, Hubert.
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What about her?
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00:09:04,822 --> 00:09:06,523
Hey, good lookin',
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I've got a lichen
that needs a lickin'.
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00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:10,860
Are you crazy?
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She's a slightly
different subspecies!
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00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:16,199
See how her shell flares
imperceptibly at the neck?
182
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:19,235
Ooh... talk about
a cloaca shrinker.
183
00:09:19,303 --> 00:09:21,237
Well, haven't you ever
met a girl tortoise
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who had that whole "same
subspecies" thing going on?
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00:09:24,441 --> 00:09:26,075
Oh my, yes.
186
00:09:26,143 --> 00:09:28,611
When I was a young
tortoise of 50
187
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I met a hot young
piece of shell
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00:09:30,714 --> 00:09:34,551
by a palo santo tree on
the far side of the island.
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00:09:34,618 --> 00:09:37,654
Let's go look for her!
C'Mon, c'Mon, c'Mon!
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00:09:37,721 --> 00:09:42,058
I've always wondered if she's
still there, waiting for me.
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But the trip is far too long.
192
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It's only 100 feet!
193
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At my age,
194
00:09:46,997 --> 00:09:49,165
it might as well be 200 feet.
195
00:09:49,233 --> 00:09:50,800
I'd never make it!
196
00:09:50,868 --> 00:09:52,335
Come on, you can make it!
You can do it!
197
00:09:52,403 --> 00:09:53,803
Get out of your shell.
Do it, do it!
198
00:09:53,871 --> 00:09:57,073
Well, let me think it over.
199
00:09:57,141 --> 00:10:00,410
Let's go already!
200
00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:23,700
Watch out!
201
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:27,503
What brings yous to this part of
the isleseses?
202
00:10:28,839 --> 00:10:30,006
He's gonna eat us!
203
00:10:30,074 --> 00:10:31,641
Don't be such a Finch.
204
00:10:31,709 --> 00:10:35,211
We Galápagos tortoises
have no natural predators.
205
00:10:35,279 --> 00:10:37,647
Finch Amy:
That's so fascinating!
206
00:10:54,031 --> 00:10:57,967
I never thought I'd live
to see this tree again.
207
00:10:58,035 --> 00:11:00,303
Thank you for staying
with me, Fry.
208
00:11:00,371 --> 00:11:01,638
I'm not Fry.
209
00:11:01,705 --> 00:11:03,373
I'm his great-great grandson...
Fry.
210
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,374
Whuh...?
211
00:11:04,441 --> 00:11:06,042
My beak is different, see?
212
00:11:06,110 --> 00:11:08,044
It evolved a slightly bigger
hook over the generations,
213
00:11:08,112 --> 00:11:10,880
to help me eat the cactus
on this part of the island.
214
00:11:10,948 --> 00:11:11,881
Watch!
215
00:11:12,950 --> 00:11:13,883
I'm stuck!
216
00:11:13,951 --> 00:11:15,351
Oops.
217
00:11:15,419 --> 00:11:17,353
So where's your
lady tortoise, Hubert?
218
00:11:17,421 --> 00:11:19,222
Lady whuh?
219
00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:21,057
Wait, there she is!
220
00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:24,027
After all these years,
I've found her!
221
00:11:25,396 --> 00:11:27,330
Oh, my darling!
222
00:11:27,398 --> 00:11:29,699
You haven't aged a day!
223
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,167
Should we say something?
224
00:11:31,235 --> 00:11:33,102
Nah.
Let him have his fun.
225
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:34,504
All right.
226
00:11:34,571 --> 00:11:37,373
Let's just do what
comes naturally.
227
00:11:37,441 --> 00:11:41,411
I'll get things started with
a little neck extension...
228
00:11:41,478 --> 00:11:45,048
Then a couple of these...
229
00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:47,917
And here we go!
230
00:11:47,985 --> 00:11:50,920
What the tropical hell
are you doing?!
231
00:11:50,988 --> 00:11:52,689
Whuh?
232
00:11:52,756 --> 00:11:55,625
I've been saving myself
for a hundred years,
233
00:11:55,693 --> 00:11:57,760
and this is how you repay me?
234
00:11:57,828 --> 00:11:59,362
Who is that
hard-shelled skank?
235
00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:00,396
I'll kill her!
236
00:12:00,464 --> 00:12:02,298
Wait, I can explain...
237
00:12:02,366 --> 00:12:03,633
shut up!
238
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:05,435
I'm going
to crack that hussy open
239
00:12:05,502 --> 00:12:07,270
like a slutty Brazil nut!
240
00:12:14,545 --> 00:12:16,946
This volcanic archipelago
241
00:12:17,014 --> 00:12:18,781
isn't big enough
for the both of us.
242
00:12:23,454 --> 00:12:25,555
Yeah, you'd better topple.
243
00:12:25,622 --> 00:12:29,158
You always were a
hot-blooded latina.
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00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:30,693
Narrator:
Like all reptiles,
245
00:12:30,761 --> 00:12:32,562
the Galápagos tortoise
is cold-blooded.
246
00:12:32,629 --> 00:12:39,268
Okay, neck, tap, tap,
climb, climb, and...
247
00:12:39,336 --> 00:12:40,970
We're back in business.
248
00:12:41,038 --> 00:12:43,439
Um, should we be watching this?
249
00:12:43,507 --> 00:12:44,941
It seems kind of personal.
250
00:12:45,008 --> 00:12:46,275
That's not an issue for us.
251
00:12:46,343 --> 00:12:47,744
We're wildlife.
252
00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:51,781
What about the moaning?
253
00:12:51,849 --> 00:12:53,249
Is it okay to listen?
254
00:12:53,317 --> 00:12:55,952
Sure, but act like
it's no big deal.
255
00:12:56,019 --> 00:12:57,787
Just pretend
you're eating seeds.
256
00:13:01,492 --> 00:13:04,193
Is it weird if I talk about
his crazy turtle penis?
257
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:06,195
No.
258
00:13:12,336 --> 00:13:14,971
Well, okay then.
259
00:13:15,038 --> 00:13:17,373
Yes, it's been lovely.
260
00:13:17,441 --> 00:13:18,374
Hang on a second.
261
00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:24,380
Narrator:
The Galápagos tortoise
262
00:13:24,448 --> 00:13:27,350
lays a clutch of
between six and 15 eggs.
263
00:13:27,418 --> 00:13:30,353
Oh, what do you want?
I'm 150 years old.
264
00:13:34,958 --> 00:13:36,559
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
265
00:13:36,627 --> 00:13:38,461
Aren't you going
to watch over your young?
266
00:13:38,529 --> 00:13:41,063
Tortoises don't do that, do we?
267
00:13:41,131 --> 00:13:43,232
I sure as hell don't.
268
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,334
Anyway, I've done my part.
269
00:13:45,402 --> 00:13:47,503
The species is saved!
270
00:13:48,906 --> 00:13:50,740
Good job!
271
00:13:50,808 --> 00:13:52,408
Narrator:
And so, the survival
272
00:13:52,476 --> 00:13:54,977
of the Pinta island tortoise
is assured.
273
00:14:10,127 --> 00:14:11,561
All:
Mama!
274
00:14:13,997 --> 00:14:15,898
Narrator:
And so, the extinction
275
00:14:15,966 --> 00:14:18,835
of the Pinta island tortoise
is assured.
276
00:14:18,902 --> 00:14:22,939
200 million years
of evolution, snuffed out.
277
00:14:23,006 --> 00:14:25,541
For in the end,
nature is horrific,
278
00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:27,977
and teaches us nothing.
279
00:14:28,045 --> 00:14:29,645
Coming up next,
280
00:14:29,713 --> 00:14:31,481
the hilarious
antics of the elephant seal,
281
00:14:31,548 --> 00:14:33,883
The clown of the sea.
282
00:14:42,412 --> 00:14:44,422
Narrator: Of all the
spectacles in nature,
283
00:14:44,547 --> 00:14:48,116
few can match the mating ritual
of the elephant seal.
284
00:14:48,184 --> 00:14:49,618
Certainly not the salmon.
285
00:14:49,686 --> 00:14:50,652
And the tortoise?
286
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,454
Yeah, right.
287
00:14:52,522 --> 00:14:56,058
The huge, lumbering males
defend patches of beach
288
00:14:56,125 --> 00:14:59,928
to deny their rivals
access to the breeding grounds.
289
00:14:59,996 --> 00:15:01,730
Just as in human society,
290
00:15:01,798 --> 00:15:04,633
only the biggest,
most obnoxious males
291
00:15:04,701 --> 00:15:06,334
have any chance of mating.
292
00:15:06,402 --> 00:15:07,335
Aw, yeah!
293
00:15:07,403 --> 00:15:09,171
Survival of the fattest!
294
00:15:09,238 --> 00:15:11,973
Narrator: The dominant male,
or "beachmaster,"
295
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,843
maintains a harem
of up to 50 females.
296
00:15:14,911 --> 00:15:16,778
Okay, harem, let's get to it.
297
00:15:16,846 --> 00:15:18,146
Form an orderly heap
on top of me.
298
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:23,585
I like mating with beachmaster
'cause he's the largest.
299
00:15:23,653 --> 00:15:26,755
Narrator: While the beachmaster
enjoys the spoils of victory...
300
00:15:26,823 --> 00:15:27,823
Whoo!
301
00:15:27,890 --> 00:15:29,825
I'm doin' it in my sleep!
302
00:15:29,892 --> 00:15:32,861
...the lesser males languish
at the edge of the colony,
303
00:15:32,929 --> 00:15:35,831
unable to attract
their own harem due to age...
304
00:15:35,898 --> 00:15:37,966
Harem?!
I can barely see 'em!
305
00:15:38,034 --> 00:15:39,167
Immaturity...
306
00:15:40,236 --> 00:15:41,670
I'm scared.
307
00:15:41,738 --> 00:15:43,371
...or other reasons.
308
00:15:43,439 --> 00:15:45,340
Hmm. I don't know...
309
00:15:45,408 --> 00:15:48,143
Does this kelp scarf
make me look fat enough?
310
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:51,379
It's so unfair.
311
00:15:51,447 --> 00:15:54,116
That bloated Casanova
gets all the ladies!
312
00:15:54,183 --> 00:15:57,352
Even that one with the
exquisite fat rolls.
313
00:16:04,727 --> 00:16:06,061
Back off, losers!
314
00:16:06,129 --> 00:16:07,863
Stay away from my beaches!
315
00:16:07,930 --> 00:16:09,498
You big bully!
316
00:16:09,565 --> 00:16:13,034
Bite my freshly molted,
blubber-filled ass.
317
00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:15,003
You're just a giant lump of fat!
318
00:16:15,071 --> 00:16:16,872
Do you even
have an ass under there?!
319
00:16:16,939 --> 00:16:18,174
I'm 40% ass!
320
00:16:18,175 --> 00:16:19,175
Arf, arf!
321
00:16:19,243 --> 00:16:20,944
Now beat it! Boo!
322
00:16:24,081 --> 00:16:26,583
Narrator: With no hope of
defeating the beachmaster,
323
00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:30,520
some so-called "sneaky" males
adopt a risky strategy...
324
00:16:30,588 --> 00:16:32,655
attempting to mate
with one of his harem
325
00:16:32,723 --> 00:16:34,457
while he is asleep
or distracted.
326
00:16:34,525 --> 00:16:36,192
So, any of you guys thinking
327
00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,094
of being a sneaky male
this season?
328
00:16:39,797 --> 00:16:41,097
This season?
329
00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:43,032
Walrus don't need no chicanery.
330
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:45,869
Once a lady goes
walrus, she never...
331
00:16:45,936 --> 00:16:47,937
She ne...
332
00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:49,939
No one ever goes walrus.
333
00:16:50,007 --> 00:16:52,108
I'm a little old for it now,
334
00:16:52,176 --> 00:16:54,944
but in my prime,
I was quite the sneaker.
335
00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:55,945
How did you do it?
336
00:16:56,013 --> 00:16:58,414
Well, while
the beachmaster was off
337
00:16:58,482 --> 00:16:59,949
behind a whale carcass,
338
00:17:00,017 --> 00:17:02,752
loudly fornicating
with my beloved mother,
339
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:05,822
I snuck past
and surprised my sweetie
340
00:17:05,890 --> 00:17:07,957
with a romantic meal.
341
00:17:08,025 --> 00:17:10,493
A romantic meal, eh?
342
00:17:12,429 --> 00:17:14,030
Narrator: The search for food
takes the elephant seal
343
00:17:14,098 --> 00:17:17,600
to depths
few other mammals can reach.
344
00:17:21,105 --> 00:17:23,306
In this pitch-black abyss,
345
00:17:23,374 --> 00:17:26,943
life takes on
bizarre and horrific forms.
346
00:17:27,011 --> 00:17:29,279
Zoidberg:
So, welcome to the abyss.
347
00:17:30,514 --> 00:17:32,181
Road trip!
348
00:17:33,817 --> 00:17:35,251
Kill all penguins...
349
00:17:36,487 --> 00:17:38,187
Kill all penguins.
350
00:17:39,256 --> 00:17:40,490
Huh?
351
00:17:40,558 --> 00:17:42,025
What's the matter with you!?
352
00:17:42,092 --> 00:17:44,327
You just crushed
seven of our babies!
353
00:17:44,395 --> 00:17:46,529
Yeah, we can always make more.
354
00:17:46,597 --> 00:17:49,699
Come on, floozies,
let's repopulate!
355
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,668
Narrator:
With the beachmaster occupied,
356
00:17:51,735 --> 00:17:54,137
the sneaky male makes his move.
357
00:17:57,207 --> 00:17:58,808
I can't believe you came!
358
00:17:58,876 --> 00:18:01,177
The beachmaster'll kill
you if he finds out!
359
00:18:01,245 --> 00:18:02,979
Also, who are you?
360
00:18:04,048 --> 00:18:05,114
I'm in love with you!
361
00:18:05,182 --> 00:18:06,983
And I don't care what he thinks.
362
00:18:07,051 --> 00:18:08,952
Here, I brought you something.
363
00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:11,220
Hooray!
364
00:18:11,288 --> 00:18:12,655
We're three friends
at the beach!
365
00:18:14,391 --> 00:18:15,325
Wait, what's happening, friend?
366
00:18:17,027 --> 00:18:19,596
Narrator: The female
conveys her receptivity
367
00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:21,564
through subtle vocalizations.
368
00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:22,565
Wanna do it?
369
00:18:22,633 --> 00:18:23,566
So soon?!
370
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:25,668
Oh, well...
371
00:18:28,539 --> 00:18:29,806
Sneaky male, eh?
372
00:18:29,873 --> 00:18:31,240
I thought I told you...
373
00:18:32,476 --> 00:18:33,409
Oh, my...!
374
00:18:34,912 --> 00:18:36,212
Well, nice try.
Better luck next season.
375
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,246
You gave it a shot!
376
00:18:37,314 --> 00:18:38,247
Pathetic.
377
00:18:47,157 --> 00:18:48,925
Sorry you didn't get to mate.
378
00:18:48,993 --> 00:18:51,194
But, hey, we can still
play some beach games.
379
00:18:51,261 --> 00:18:53,262
Who's up for some twister?
380
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:54,497
No!
381
00:18:54,565 --> 00:18:56,432
We beta males deserve better.
382
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,502
When we're in charge, we'll
treat females with respect,
383
00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:02,572
keeping sensible harems
of no more than five.
384
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,174
And it begins with me.
385
00:19:05,242 --> 00:19:10,113
Sir, I challenge you to a duel
for control of the beach!
386
00:19:11,582 --> 00:19:12,849
Aw...
387
00:19:19,790 --> 00:19:20,890
Aw, hang on...
388
00:19:27,998 --> 00:19:29,365
Okay, let's fight.
389
00:19:31,935 --> 00:19:33,069
Aw, that's it.
390
00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:35,371
No more Mr. nice-jerk.
391
00:19:43,313 --> 00:19:45,481
Narrator:
The battle will rage for hours,
392
00:19:45,549 --> 00:19:48,985
until both males
are exhausted or dead.
393
00:20:01,365 --> 00:20:03,099
Beachmaster, stop fighting!
394
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:05,601
He's been dead since yesterday!
395
00:20:05,669 --> 00:20:07,837
What?! He's dead?!
396
00:20:07,905 --> 00:20:09,305
Whoo!
397
00:20:09,373 --> 00:20:11,107
I'm killin' dudes in my sleep!
398
00:20:11,175 --> 00:20:12,642
Yo! Clean up!
399
00:20:19,216 --> 00:20:21,017
Narrator:
And so, with the threat
400
00:20:21,085 --> 00:20:23,653
to the beachmaster's
supremacy eliminated,
401
00:20:23,721 --> 00:20:26,255
order is restored
for another year.
402
00:20:26,323 --> 00:20:28,491
Another year,
another generation of pups
403
00:20:28,559 --> 00:20:31,494
fathered by me, beachmaster.
404
00:20:34,898 --> 00:20:36,466
I'm the greatest, baby!
405
00:20:36,533 --> 00:20:38,768
You go, beachmaster!
406
00:20:38,836 --> 00:20:43,339
Narrator: And so concludes our
exploration of planet earth.
407
00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:46,209
For a holographic brain
injection of tonight's program,
408
00:20:46,276 --> 00:20:48,244
send five dollars
to this station,
409
00:20:48,312 --> 00:20:49,979
care of me, the narrator.
410
00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:51,714
Good night.
411
00:20:51,782 --> 00:20:53,583
Mutual of omicron narrator:
Mutual of omicron.
412
00:20:53,650 --> 00:20:55,451
Have you insured your planet?
413
00:20:57,358 --> 00:21:03,292
Sync and correction by Tony for
www.Addic7ed.Com