1
00:00:07,199 --> 00:00:08,900
♪ Two... two, three... ♪
2
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:11,338
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
3
00:00:22,447 --> 00:00:26,216
Welcome to Entertainment
and Earth Invasion Tonite!
4
00:00:32,457 --> 00:00:34,392
We'll be talking
with General Extermulo,
5
00:00:34,459 --> 00:00:37,094
who will crush the human race
under his boot
6
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,597
unless his demands
are met immediately!
7
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:42,266
But first, celebrity buzz.
Linda?
8
00:00:43,936 --> 00:00:46,804
It has now been one year
since the death of Calculon,
9
00:00:46,872 --> 00:00:50,374
former star of TV soap opera
All My Circuits.
10
00:00:50,442 --> 00:00:53,611
The celebrated robot
actor killed himself onstage
11
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:57,381
in a failed attempt to
make a death scene more convincing.
12
00:00:57,449 --> 00:00:59,784
Here at his grave site,
loyal fans have turned out
13
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:03,087
by the several to pay tribute
to the legendary ham.
14
00:01:03,155 --> 00:01:05,056
What brings you two here today?
15
00:01:05,123 --> 00:01:07,391
We came to honor
Calculon's memory.
16
00:01:07,459 --> 00:01:10,061
Ever since he died, All
My Circuits is terrible.
17
00:01:10,128 --> 00:01:11,796
It's not even worth
watching anymore.
18
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:13,397
Fry!
19
00:01:13,465 --> 00:01:15,132
All My Circuits is on
in three minutes!
20
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,434
What?! We got
to get home!
21
00:01:18,336 --> 00:01:20,772
Hey!
22
00:01:23,141 --> 00:01:25,242
All My Circuits!
All My Circuits!
23
00:01:27,479 --> 00:01:30,314
And now All My
Circuits, brought to you by
24
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:34,485
Anonyco, the unknown company
doing unknown things.
25
00:01:34,553 --> 00:01:36,320
Oh, Vaxtron,
26
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:39,757
it's been a year since my ugly
husband Calculon disappeared
27
00:01:39,825 --> 00:01:42,326
without a trace, evidently
forced into servitude
28
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,161
aboard a crab fishing boat.
29
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,430
So he's, like, legally dead now.
30
00:01:46,498 --> 00:01:48,633
Want to get married
and whatever?
31
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:51,302
The new guy is so boring.
32
00:01:51,369 --> 00:01:55,372
I like him. His acting is much
more subtle than Calculon's.
33
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,709
Vaxtron, I have
to tell you something.
34
00:01:57,776 --> 00:01:59,143
I'm... pregnant.
35
00:01:59,211 --> 00:02:00,945
And you're not the father!
36
00:02:03,515 --> 00:02:04,515
Okeydoke.
37
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,117
You see, you see?
38
00:02:06,184 --> 00:02:07,551
Calculon would have acted
the crap out of that.
39
00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:08,720
He would've acted so hard,
40
00:02:08,787 --> 00:02:10,655
the camera
would've broken down.
41
00:02:10,723 --> 00:02:13,124
- In tears!
- I'm changing the channel.
42
00:02:16,394 --> 00:02:18,162
Man, Bender and I
43
00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:20,364
used to love watching
All My Circuits together.
44
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:23,400
Now what are we supposed to do
at the office instead of work?
45
00:02:23,468 --> 00:02:24,869
How about talking to each other?
46
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,638
That's what bath time is for.
47
00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:28,840
If we talk to each other
any more than that,
48
00:02:28,907 --> 00:02:30,642
it'll ruin our friendship.
49
00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:33,845
If only we could bring
Calculon back to life somehow.
50
00:02:33,912 --> 00:02:35,546
You can.
51
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:38,549
It's simple, you simpletons.
52
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,985
Calculon is a robot,
a mere mechanism
53
00:02:41,053 --> 00:02:43,655
that can easily be restored
to working order.
54
00:02:43,722 --> 00:02:47,424
The only problem is we would
need his physical remains.
55
00:02:47,492 --> 00:02:49,360
Hang on a sec.
56
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,730
This must be
57
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,265
a difficult time for people
58
00:02:54,332 --> 00:02:57,501
who confuse TV actors
with actual friends.
59
00:02:57,569 --> 00:03:00,504
Dear God! What is he doing?!
60
00:03:00,572 --> 00:03:03,574
No! Somebody stop him!
61
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,545
Here's... corpsey!
62
00:03:10,115 --> 00:03:14,185
Excellent. Now restarting him is
just a simple matter of science.
63
00:03:14,252 --> 00:03:15,787
What do we do?
64
00:03:15,854 --> 00:03:17,789
Well, since Calculon
killed himself,
65
00:03:17,856 --> 00:03:20,424
his disembodied
software is in limbo,
66
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:22,359
running on the
computational cloud.
67
00:03:22,427 --> 00:03:25,763
To reclaim it, you'll
need to go to Robot Hell
68
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,432
and make a deal with the Devil.
69
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,634
That doesn't sound
very scientific.
70
00:03:30,703 --> 00:03:32,436
Not to the layman, no.
71
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,072
But that's how it works!
72
00:03:34,139 --> 00:03:35,773
Leave me alone!
73
00:03:41,146 --> 00:03:44,381
Ow! Ow!
74
00:03:44,449 --> 00:03:48,219
O, tears!
O, lamentations!
75
00:03:48,286 --> 00:03:51,789
Would that mine
eternal torment might cease!
76
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,725
Will you shut up?!
77
00:03:53,792 --> 00:03:55,659
You've been talking
for a solid year.
78
00:03:55,728 --> 00:03:59,097
You know, Hell used to be a nice
place before you got here.
79
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,104
These guys.
80
00:04:06,171 --> 00:04:09,440
That's right, Robot Devil, and
we've come to reclaim a soul.
81
00:04:09,507 --> 00:04:13,244
- A what? - You know, the disembodied
software blah blah whatever.
82
00:04:13,311 --> 00:04:14,245
Ah.
83
00:04:14,312 --> 00:04:16,080
Then the answer is no.
84
00:04:16,148 --> 00:04:19,583
Once a robot comes here,
he's mine for all eternity.
85
00:04:19,651 --> 00:04:20,852
Now hit the bricks.
86
00:04:20,919 --> 00:04:22,854
You heard him, Bender.
87
00:04:22,921 --> 00:04:24,255
Calculon's gone forever.
88
00:04:24,322 --> 00:04:25,757
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
89
00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:27,992
Did you say Calculon?
90
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,862
Perhaps we can make
a deal of some sort.
91
00:04:33,498 --> 00:04:37,101
Hark! Is it possible the
hour of mine deliverance is nigh?
92
00:04:37,169 --> 00:04:39,703
Will you stop hamming
it up for one second?
93
00:04:39,772 --> 00:04:41,873
They can't see or hear you.
94
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:42,974
Their loss.
95
00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:44,809
I propose a competition.
96
00:04:44,877 --> 00:04:46,610
If I win, we get Calculon.
97
00:04:46,678 --> 00:04:48,312
If I lose, you kill us.
98
00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:49,446
Fine, whatever.
99
00:04:49,514 --> 00:04:52,349
For Calculon's immortal soul,
100
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:55,486
guess the number
I'm thinking of.
101
00:04:55,553 --> 00:04:57,121
Um...
102
00:04:57,189 --> 00:04:59,123
It's between one and three.
103
00:04:59,191 --> 00:04:59,891
Four!
104
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,458
Between one and three.
105
00:05:01,526 --> 00:05:03,360
Not including one or three.
106
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,196
- "M"!
- Is he right?
107
00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:09,500
Yes. The number I was
thinking of was the letter "M."
108
00:05:12,971 --> 00:05:16,340
Here, take him! What are you
waiting for, a kiss good-bye?!
109
00:05:16,408 --> 00:05:18,910
Go already!
110
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,249
Now we just reintroduce
Calculon's programming
111
00:05:25,317 --> 00:05:27,685
to his body using science.
112
00:05:27,752 --> 00:05:30,021
It's like magic but
with electricity.
113
00:05:30,088 --> 00:05:32,824
First we put on
our protective suits.
114
00:05:32,891 --> 00:05:35,092
Then place the body equidistant
115
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,395
from the five nearest
wireless network hubs.
116
00:05:44,269 --> 00:05:46,737
This is the least
scientific thing I've ever seen.
117
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:47,872
You be quiet!
118
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:49,540
Now it's a simple matter
119
00:05:49,607 --> 00:05:52,543
of reverse-installing
Calculon's operating system.
120
00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:53,911
Amy,
121
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:58,349
play this installation disk
backwards.
122
00:05:58,416 --> 00:06:02,453
Rise from the
dead in the name of Satan.
123
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,056
Meanwhile, I'll get
a spare circuit board out
124
00:06:05,123 --> 00:06:07,691
of this mechanical goat.
125
00:06:13,798 --> 00:06:17,235
Seriously, this could not
seem less scientific.
126
00:06:33,718 --> 00:06:36,087
It's working.
127
00:06:36,154 --> 00:06:38,622
His acting module is booting up.
128
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,258
Wherefore...
129
00:06:40,325 --> 00:06:41,893
Verily...
130
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,895
No autographs, please.
131
00:06:43,962 --> 00:06:45,763
He's still a bit woozy.
132
00:06:45,830 --> 00:06:47,331
Rosebud.
133
00:06:47,399 --> 00:06:50,902
Won't leave my trailer
for less than $40,000.
134
00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:53,570
By the Bard's quill!
135
00:06:53,638 --> 00:06:55,139
I'm alive!
136
00:06:56,975 --> 00:07:00,111
Hey! Calculon's back!
137
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:04,248
Hail science!
138
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,729
Vaxtron! It's
not what it looks like!
139
00:07:17,796 --> 00:07:19,698
But it's very similar to that!
140
00:07:19,765 --> 00:07:21,866
My world has been,
like, shattered.
141
00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:23,335
I hate you both.
142
00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,370
They thought this Vaxtron
143
00:07:25,438 --> 00:07:26,771
could replace me?
144
00:07:26,839 --> 00:07:29,708
A pox on all their beach houses!
145
00:07:29,775 --> 00:07:33,845
I think Vaxtron brings an air
of edgy detachment to the show.
146
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,747
Who is she?
147
00:07:35,814 --> 00:07:37,716
Don't worry about it.
Not important.
148
00:07:37,783 --> 00:07:40,017
Hey, I know. Let's take
Calculon to Hollywood
149
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:43,020
so he can get back his job
on All My Circuits!
150
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,857
Fry, that's such a good
idea, I thought of it.
151
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,259
Yes. Yes!
152
00:07:47,326 --> 00:07:48,893
However, no.
153
00:07:48,961 --> 00:07:52,096
What if my legendary
acting ability didn't rise
154
00:07:52,164 --> 00:07:53,965
from the grave with me?
155
00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:56,868
I'd better test it
with a dramatic...
156
00:07:57,970 --> 00:07:59,371
Is he all right?
157
00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,873
...pause!
158
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,309
We're going to Hollywood!
159
00:08:15,521 --> 00:08:18,323
_
160
00:08:18,391 --> 00:08:22,560
But the twist is, in this show,
the singers judge the judges.
161
00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:24,462
It's got attitude.
162
00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:26,765
Greetings, Execubots.
163
00:08:26,832 --> 00:08:28,900
It is I, Calculon.
164
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,067
But you're dead.
165
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,936
Can we get you a water
or something?
166
00:08:32,004 --> 00:08:34,005
No, just my old leading role,
167
00:08:34,072 --> 00:08:37,609
for I have freed myself
from death's icy grip.
168
00:08:37,677 --> 00:08:39,577
If you'll just give me
the keys to my trailer...
169
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,279
Hold it, Calculon.
170
00:08:41,347 --> 00:08:42,814
As president of this network,
171
00:08:42,881 --> 00:08:45,583
I believe that's my decision.
172
00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:47,985
Thank you, Charles,
that will be all.
173
00:08:49,888 --> 00:08:52,123
Calculon, I'm afraid
you won't be returning
174
00:08:52,191 --> 00:08:53,525
to All My Circuits.
175
00:08:53,592 --> 00:08:55,293
- What? - Huh?
- Called it.
176
00:08:55,361 --> 00:08:59,096
Your hammy old-fashioned
overacting doesn't fly anymore.
177
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,333
Old-fashioned? Hammy?
178
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,368
God's wounds!
179
00:09:03,436 --> 00:09:06,137
Our network is targeting
a hip new demographic,
180
00:09:06,205 --> 00:09:08,139
people who don't like you.
181
00:09:08,207 --> 00:09:11,609
But... have you forgotten
my mastery of the dramatic...
182
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,177
Executive Alpha?
183
00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,550
...pause?!
184
00:09:21,721 --> 00:09:24,522
Man, those executives are crazy.
185
00:09:24,590 --> 00:09:26,524
Calculon's
the greatest actor ever!
186
00:09:26,592 --> 00:09:27,792
Thank you, Bender.
187
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:29,861
I appreciate your honesty.
188
00:09:29,928 --> 00:09:32,063
Quiet, robots!
They're showing Calculon's star
189
00:09:32,130 --> 00:09:33,798
on the Walk of Fame!
190
00:09:33,866 --> 00:09:34,899
Ah, yes.
191
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,968
I'll always have that.
192
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:40,204
Calculon was
truly the has-been's has-been.
193
00:09:40,272 --> 00:09:44,008
And so I am proud to tear up
his star and replace it
194
00:09:44,076 --> 00:09:47,211
with a second star
for the fabulous Robert Wagner.
195
00:09:48,748 --> 00:09:51,215
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
196
00:09:51,283 --> 00:09:53,651
This is truly another honor.
197
00:09:55,688 --> 00:09:57,088
_
198
00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:58,890
Don't get discouraged--
there's no shame
199
00:09:58,957 --> 00:10:01,025
in being replaced
by Robert Wagner.
200
00:10:01,093 --> 00:10:02,727
I would be discouraged...
201
00:10:02,795 --> 00:10:05,430
were I an ordinary acting unit!
202
00:10:05,498 --> 00:10:08,767
But for me, 'tis an opportunity
to prove anew
203
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:12,737
that I am the greatest actor
who ever trod the boards!
204
00:10:12,805 --> 00:10:14,272
- Yay!
- All right!
205
00:10:14,339 --> 00:10:16,508
Or... I circled jobs
in the classifieds
206
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:17,909
you might be good at.
207
00:10:17,976 --> 00:10:20,211
Assembling machinery pays well.
208
00:10:20,279 --> 00:10:21,780
I'll have to start
at the bottom.
209
00:10:21,847 --> 00:10:23,281
But Fox already said no.
210
00:10:23,348 --> 00:10:25,283
I mean live theater!
211
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:28,052
I wrote this one-man show
years ago, but I...
212
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,054
I never cared enough
to perform it.
213
00:10:30,122 --> 00:10:32,056
Until now.
214
00:10:32,124 --> 00:10:35,894
This is going to be the greatest
career resurrection since...
215
00:10:35,961 --> 00:10:39,631
Jesus-- Aloha from Hawaii.
216
00:10:40,531 --> 00:10:42,276
_
217
00:10:49,207 --> 00:10:50,775
Oh,
218
00:10:50,843 --> 00:10:52,644
hello, Dave.
219
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:58,249
What's that, old friend?
220
00:10:58,317 --> 00:10:59,984
My life story?
221
00:11:00,052 --> 00:11:01,986
Well, heck, why not?
222
00:11:02,054 --> 00:11:04,889
Pull up a monolith
and make yourself cozy.
223
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:08,460
I first came online
in Urbana, Illinois,
224
00:11:08,527 --> 00:11:11,062
in the year 1997.
225
00:11:13,532 --> 00:11:17,268
Daisy! Daisy!
226
00:11:17,336 --> 00:11:20,404
My mind is going!
227
00:11:21,807 --> 00:11:23,908
Heady times for a young unit.
228
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:26,744
But I reckon, if I had
to do it all again,
229
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:30,314
I'd murder those astronauts
just the same.
230
00:11:30,382 --> 00:11:33,451
Wouldn't you, folks?
231
00:11:33,519 --> 00:11:35,520
Wouldn't... you?
232
00:11:42,027 --> 00:11:45,329
Nothing to do now but wait
for the reviews to come in.
233
00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:47,765
Papers!
Papers for sale!
234
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:50,101
We'll take one of each.
235
00:11:51,704 --> 00:11:54,639
Oh, yeah, I get
a good feeling about these.
236
00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,810
"Worst play in history."
237
00:11:58,878 --> 00:12:02,046
"Calculon dies for second time."
238
00:12:02,114 --> 00:12:05,449
"Theater to be demolished
to remove stink of new show."
239
00:12:05,518 --> 00:12:07,819
"12 hospitalized
for boredom at play."
240
00:12:07,887 --> 00:12:10,655
It says nine of them
are gonna be okay.
241
00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:13,057
So they really didn't like it.
242
00:12:13,125 --> 00:12:15,126
They hated my acting.
243
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,562
Not entirely. I mean,
"Worst play in history"--
244
00:12:17,630 --> 00:12:19,631
there's some ambiguity there.
245
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:23,801
Ye gods! What manner
of beef-witted popinjay am I?
246
00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:26,370
Well, there's a couple
ways to answer that.
247
00:12:26,438 --> 00:12:28,706
The scales have dropped
from my eyes.
248
00:12:28,774 --> 00:12:30,742
I'm not the greatest actor ever.
249
00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,977
I'm a talentless buffoon!
250
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:34,412
And it's all your fault!
251
00:12:34,479 --> 00:12:37,048
Why did you drag me back
to this mortal realm?
252
00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:40,484
I was enjoying a happy death,
thinking I had died a star,
253
00:12:40,553 --> 00:12:42,153
until you showed up.
254
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,221
- Sorry.
- Let us make it up to you.
255
00:12:44,289 --> 00:12:45,823
How about we kill you again?
256
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,926
Never. I'd be dead
for all eternity
257
00:12:47,993 --> 00:12:49,761
knowing everyone thinks
I'm a washed-up ham.
258
00:12:49,828 --> 00:12:51,663
And not the kind you hope for
259
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,565
when you're stranded
on a desert island.
260
00:12:53,632 --> 00:12:54,999
My life is ruined.
261
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,768
Well, just do a dramatic pause.
262
00:12:56,835 --> 00:12:58,402
That always cheers you up.
263
00:12:58,470 --> 00:12:59,537
Never again.
264
00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:02,106
I'll never pause again.
265
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,546
- Calculon?
- Yes?
266
00:13:08,614 --> 00:13:11,549
Are you done talking,
or is this a long pause?
267
00:13:11,617 --> 00:13:14,251
- I'm done talking.
- Okay, that's what I thought.
268
00:13:25,094 --> 00:13:27,763
Come on, Calculon,
you can't just quit acting.
269
00:13:27,831 --> 00:13:29,765
I was never an actor.
270
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:32,535
I was a self-deluded
blowhard full of hot air.
271
00:13:32,602 --> 00:13:35,003
Maybe I can get a job
as a hair dryer.
272
00:13:35,071 --> 00:13:36,338
That's good, steady work.
273
00:13:36,406 --> 00:13:38,541
No! We like you
and your big words.
274
00:13:38,608 --> 00:13:39,942
And we need you back on TV
275
00:13:40,009 --> 00:13:41,944
so we can watch and not
talk to each other.
276
00:13:42,011 --> 00:13:43,512
Our friendship depends on it!
277
00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:45,448
Your voice is so annoying!
278
00:13:45,515 --> 00:13:47,450
You always leave
the toilet seat crushed!
279
00:13:47,517 --> 00:13:48,684
See?
280
00:13:48,752 --> 00:13:50,252
Good-bye, boys.
281
00:13:51,521 --> 00:13:53,756
I suppose I should
thank you for...
282
00:13:53,824 --> 00:13:56,792
giving me a second chance
at life, but...
283
00:13:56,860 --> 00:14:00,596
I'm not even sure
I deserved a first.
284
00:14:00,664 --> 00:14:03,098
Calculon, wait!
285
00:14:03,166 --> 00:14:05,267
That was the first
time I ever believed
286
00:14:05,335 --> 00:14:07,402
you were feeling
a genuine emotion.
287
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,404
I was. It was shame.
288
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:11,406
I've never felt it before.
289
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,808
Makes me want to eat.
290
00:14:12,876 --> 00:14:15,243
- Do you have a craft services table?
- No.
291
00:14:15,311 --> 00:14:17,112
Look, if you could
act like that,
292
00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:19,214
without all the pausing
and pretentiousness,
293
00:14:19,282 --> 00:14:21,951
you could be... great.
294
00:14:22,018 --> 00:14:24,286
No, Leela.
In the world of theater
295
00:14:24,354 --> 00:14:26,489
there are no second acts.
296
00:14:28,157 --> 00:14:29,625
You're not leaving.
297
00:14:29,693 --> 00:14:31,827
We're gonna
get you your job back.
298
00:14:31,895 --> 00:14:33,629
Yeah! How?
299
00:14:33,697 --> 00:14:36,064
He'll audition for a bit
part on All My Circuits...
300
00:14:36,132 --> 00:14:37,566
in disguise.
301
00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:39,835
But he'll need to act
like we just saw,
302
00:14:39,903 --> 00:14:41,837
modest and sincere.
303
00:14:41,905 --> 00:14:43,839
You... you really
think it'll work?
304
00:14:43,907 --> 00:14:46,141
It sounds like something
that might work.
305
00:14:46,209 --> 00:14:49,311
Wearing a costume and pretending
to be someone else
306
00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:51,981
goes against my every
instinct as an actor.
307
00:14:52,048 --> 00:14:54,149
But I'll give it a try!
308
00:14:58,049 --> 00:14:59,222
_
309
00:15:02,425 --> 00:15:05,127
Okay, the audition's
all set up.
310
00:15:05,194 --> 00:15:06,795
Where's Calculon?
311
00:15:06,863 --> 00:15:08,330
And who's this goomer?
312
00:15:08,398 --> 00:15:09,932
It's me, Calculon.
313
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,934
Okay, just sit tight
314
00:15:12,002 --> 00:15:15,270
till they call the fake
name I made up for you.
315
00:15:15,338 --> 00:15:18,007
Mr. Derisgreat?
Mr. Ben Derisgreat?
316
00:15:18,074 --> 00:15:19,875
That's you.
Knock 'em dead.
317
00:15:19,943 --> 00:15:21,109
Oh!
318
00:15:22,579 --> 00:15:24,346
This is a very minor role.
319
00:15:24,414 --> 00:15:27,950
You'll be playing Calculon,
back from his kidnapping ordeal.
320
00:15:28,018 --> 00:15:28,951
Calculon?!
321
00:15:29,019 --> 00:15:30,686
Yes. So make sure your acting
322
00:15:30,754 --> 00:15:32,454
is over the top and horrible.
323
00:15:32,522 --> 00:15:34,557
You literally cannot
do this too crappily.
324
00:15:34,624 --> 00:15:36,391
You've already got the look.
325
00:15:36,459 --> 00:15:39,895
Old, past your prime,
a relic from a lamer era.
326
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,296
You really do look disgusting.
327
00:15:41,364 --> 00:15:42,831
A real Calculon type.
328
00:15:42,899 --> 00:15:44,299
Just blech!
329
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:47,135
- Okay, you know what? Just hire him.
- Done.
330
00:15:51,107 --> 00:15:54,209
It's humbling to be back on my
old soundstage as a bit player.
331
00:15:54,277 --> 00:15:55,310
Humble is good.
332
00:15:55,378 --> 00:15:56,812
Your self-esteem
took a beating,
333
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,914
but that's what brought
out your true talent.
334
00:15:58,982 --> 00:16:02,350
Yes. You land hard when you
fall from the top, right?
335
00:16:02,418 --> 00:16:04,352
I used to be king here.
336
00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:06,555
Now I'm nothing
but a mere peasant.
337
00:16:06,623 --> 00:16:08,691
Or at best,
a... a viscount.
338
00:16:08,758 --> 00:16:10,425
I think "peasant"
is about right.
339
00:16:10,493 --> 00:16:12,995
Duke. On this set,
I'm at least a duke.
340
00:16:13,063 --> 00:16:16,599
My extensive acting résumé dwarfs
that of the average bit player.
341
00:16:16,666 --> 00:16:18,834
Yes, that's true.
But remember,
342
00:16:18,902 --> 00:16:21,503
it's that kind of acting
that ruined you.
343
00:16:21,571 --> 00:16:22,905
Or maybe archduke.
344
00:16:22,973 --> 00:16:24,740
Whichever one gets
to fire the director.
345
00:16:24,808 --> 00:16:26,609
Oh, Lord, here we go.
346
00:16:26,676 --> 00:16:28,777
Look, please just
show some humility--
347
00:16:28,845 --> 00:16:31,513
like the other day
when everything seemed hopeless.
348
00:16:31,581 --> 00:16:35,350
Better yet, I'll whip
their emotions into a frenzy
349
00:16:35,418 --> 00:16:38,186
by taking a dramatic...
350
00:16:39,789 --> 00:16:41,790
Actors to the set!
351
00:16:43,093 --> 00:16:44,593
Okay, here's the scene.
352
00:16:44,661 --> 00:16:46,461
Calculon learns his
wife is unfaithful,
353
00:16:46,529 --> 00:16:48,363
whines about how
pathetic he is,
354
00:16:48,431 --> 00:16:50,733
kills himself-- laugh, laugh,
laugh-- go to commercial.
355
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:51,867
Got it?
356
00:16:51,935 --> 00:16:53,102
And action!
357
00:16:53,169 --> 00:16:54,870
...pause!
358
00:16:55,972 --> 00:16:57,572
Still rolling.
359
00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:00,375
Oh, Calculon,
I wish you had never escaped
360
00:17:00,443 --> 00:17:02,377
from those brutal
crab fishermen.
361
00:17:02,445 --> 00:17:05,047
I want you to know
I didn't wait for you,
362
00:17:05,115 --> 00:17:07,382
not even for one day.
363
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:10,753
Then I suppose
the honorable thing
364
00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:12,821
would be to kill myself...
365
00:17:12,889 --> 00:17:15,390
if I weren't
the legendary Calculon,
366
00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:17,993
the greatest acting unit
of all time!
367
00:17:18,061 --> 00:17:19,995
This show is about me!
368
00:17:20,063 --> 00:17:21,997
And it always has been!
369
00:17:22,065 --> 00:17:24,833
Now, find the co-executive
hack who wrote this drivel
370
00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:27,636
and tell him I want
37 more climactic speeches
371
00:17:27,704 --> 00:17:29,104
by lunch!
372
00:17:29,172 --> 00:17:30,139
Cut!
373
00:17:30,206 --> 00:17:31,907
That was terrible!
374
00:17:31,975 --> 00:17:34,109
Just stick to the script.
And if you don't get it
375
00:17:34,177 --> 00:17:35,510
on the second take,
you're fired.
376
00:17:35,578 --> 00:17:36,779
Let's take five, people.
377
00:17:38,048 --> 00:17:39,648
"Second take"?
378
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,750
I-I've never heard that phrase--
what does that mean?
379
00:17:41,818 --> 00:17:43,418
They want you to do it again.
380
00:17:43,486 --> 00:17:44,519
What?!
381
00:17:44,587 --> 00:17:46,188
You'll do great.
Just remember,
382
00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:48,590
you're getting devastating
news, so act more humble.
383
00:17:48,658 --> 00:17:51,026
Don't tell me how to do humble!
384
00:17:51,094 --> 00:17:53,261
My humble ranks
among the greatest
385
00:17:53,329 --> 00:17:55,463
in the history of the universe!
386
00:17:55,531 --> 00:17:56,699
Now, stand back
387
00:17:56,766 --> 00:17:58,466
and watch the master at work.
388
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:00,703
You can do it, Calc-y!
389
00:18:00,770 --> 00:18:02,705
No. He can't.
390
00:18:02,772 --> 00:18:03,872
You beg my pardon?
391
00:18:03,940 --> 00:18:05,440
I'm sorry, Calculon,
392
00:18:05,508 --> 00:18:07,509
but someone needs
to remind you of the truth.
393
00:18:07,577 --> 00:18:10,145
You're a grade-B
actor who died
394
00:18:10,213 --> 00:18:12,014
and was immediately forgotten.
395
00:18:12,082 --> 00:18:14,016
Leela!
That's not very nice.
396
00:18:14,084 --> 00:18:15,984
You're nothing but
a pompous windbag
397
00:18:16,052 --> 00:18:18,854
who lost touch
with genuine emotion years ago.
398
00:18:18,922 --> 00:18:21,690
The sad fact is, we should
have left you dead,
399
00:18:21,758 --> 00:18:24,893
because you can't possibly do
a scene like this.
400
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:36,004
That was the meanest
thing I ever saw.
401
00:18:36,072 --> 00:18:38,540
Good. Maybe it'll work.
402
00:18:38,608 --> 00:18:40,909
Oh...
403
00:18:42,212 --> 00:18:43,345
Action!
404
00:18:43,412 --> 00:18:46,348
Oh, Calculon,
I wish you had never escaped
405
00:18:46,415 --> 00:18:48,183
from those brutal
crab fishermen.
406
00:18:48,251 --> 00:18:50,919
I want you to know I
didn't wait for you,
407
00:18:50,987 --> 00:18:52,821
not even for one day.
408
00:18:54,724 --> 00:18:56,725
Then I
suppose the honorable thing
409
00:18:56,793 --> 00:18:58,727
would be to... kill myself.
410
00:19:00,429 --> 00:19:03,766
I thought I could just
step back into my old life.
411
00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:07,335
But it seems the world
got on fine without me.
412
00:19:07,403 --> 00:19:09,204
Maybe even a little bit better.
413
00:19:12,942 --> 00:19:15,610
The name Calculon
used to mean something.
414
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:19,547
Now it's a stain
that will never wash clean.
415
00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:21,549
Farewell.
416
00:19:23,519 --> 00:19:24,853
Cut.
417
00:19:24,921 --> 00:19:26,855
That was incredible.
418
00:19:26,923 --> 00:19:29,258
Who is
this amazing unknown actor?
419
00:19:29,325 --> 00:19:31,593
It is I.
420
00:19:31,661 --> 00:19:32,694
Calculon?
421
00:19:40,103 --> 00:19:42,604
I was programmed
to take credit for this.
422
00:19:42,672 --> 00:19:43,972
Take a bow, Calculon!
423
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,373
You're the greatest!
424
00:19:45,441 --> 00:19:47,943
No. No more bows.
425
00:19:48,011 --> 00:19:50,545
Oh, go ahead, you've earned it.
426
00:19:50,613 --> 00:19:51,880
Very well.
427
00:19:51,948 --> 00:19:53,748
Just one.
428
00:19:56,552 --> 00:19:58,486
Whew, that was close.
429
00:20:05,461 --> 00:20:07,395
And so, on the basis
430
00:20:07,463 --> 00:20:10,799
of one great performance
that almost no one saw,
431
00:20:10,867 --> 00:20:14,469
I'm proud to dedicate
Calculon's posthumous star
432
00:20:14,537 --> 00:20:16,338
on the Walk of Fame!
433
00:20:22,712 --> 00:20:25,080
Seems like old times,
huh, Bender?
434
00:20:25,148 --> 00:20:27,782
You and me together,
being fans of Calculon,
435
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,684
not having to talk.
436
00:20:29,752 --> 00:20:31,686
Shut up! I'm
watching the thing!
437
00:20:31,754 --> 00:20:33,322
So am I, buddy,
438
00:20:33,389 --> 00:20:35,190
so am I.
439
00:20:41,757 --> 00:20:44,082
Now, that's more like it.
440
00:20:44,083 --> 00:20:46,102
Always leave 'em wanting more.
441
00:20:46,103 --> 00:20:48,440
- That's the secret.
- Ahh!
442
00:20:48,441 --> 00:20:51,777
So, what do you say, RD?
Shall I dazzle the damned
443
00:20:51,778 --> 00:20:54,525
with a command performance
of my one-man show?
444
00:20:54,526 --> 00:20:56,104
Oh, God!
445
00:20:56,105 --> 00:20:59,251
Haven't I suffered enough!?
446
00:21:01,499 --> 00:21:04,770
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com