Why don't you just admit it, T.M.? Higgins has just one-upped you.
Probably comparing accents.
Where is she from? Why is she interested in you?
Magnum, your insolent curiosity has finally gone too far.
That's it! I'd make a run for it if I were you.
These bully boys, exactly what do they look like?
- A midget or a dwarf! - Really?
Higgins doesn't believe anything I say, thanks to your friend.
You're a liar. You're a damnable liar!
Magnum!
...the creator and maker of mankind,
and we are mortal, formed of the earth,
and unto earth shall we return.
For so Thou didst ordain when Thou createst me, saying:
Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Amen.
- Bless you, my child. - Thank you.
Excuse me.
You must be Jennifer.
I'm Jenny.
Do I know you, sir?
I wish you did, my child.
I'm the man who should have been your father.
- Excuse me, please. - Yes?
By any chance are you an official of this club?
Not exactly, but I dare say I'm not entirely without influence.
How may I be of service?
That man. Well, he's staring at me.
Exactly which one?
The one who appears to have gone out in his underwear.
Ah, yes. Rest assured, I'll attend to it immediately.
Either the small businessman has to expand or get demolished.
I move up or move out.
Did you ever consider buying a balsawood kit
and some rubber bands?
I'm serious. This ain't funny.
If I may interrupt this assemblage.
- Why don't you pull up a chair? - How about a beer?
A complaint has been lodged with me
regarding both unbecoming behaviour and violations of our dress code.
I'm clean.
The guilty party defends himself before being accused.
Thomas is usually accused before there's a complaint.
That came out wrong.
Apart from your aggressively offensive attire,
there's a much more serious matter.
That obviously well-bred young lady
has complained that you've been leering at her.
What? Where?
You been giving the radar eye to that woman?
Man, you got to be crazy. That chick is instant frostbite.
That girl? I never even noticed her.
Methinks he doth protest too much.
There is a simple, very practical, easy way to end this all.
I will just go over and apologize for anything she thought may have happened.
Okay?
Everybody happy?
Excuse me. That gentleman over there, Higgins.
He says I somehow offended you by staring, which I wasn't, really.
But now that I'm here, and I've met you,
I really wish I had been. You're quite lovely.
Thank you for your courtesy and the compliment.
My name's Thomas Magnum.
Oh.
Listen, um, if you're new here,
I thought that maybe I could give you a tour of the club,
introduce you to some people.
Well, that's very thoughtful but I'm quite comfortable already.
Would you excuse me?
Right.
It was swell talking to you.
Well, did you make a date, Casanova?
Are you serious? That was a major brush-off, if I ever seen one.
It is obviously a very sad case.
She has a deep psychological hatred for men.
Now, I knew that instinctively when I sat down
so I simply apologized and left.
Really? She seemed extremely well-adjusted and perceptive to me.
All I know is I tried to make her as welcome as possible.
And she was so polite, she was rude.
Sit down, have a beer and forget her.
Who's remembering her? There are too many normal women
to waste time on ones with psychological problems.
Somebody busted through that deep psychological barrier.
Check it out.
That's just cos they're both British. Probably comparing accents.
No, sir. Why don't you just admit it? Higgins has just one-upped you.
She's not even Thomas's type and you know it.
She stopped breathing or something?
T.C.!
He never struck out before and you know it.
Rick, come on.
$50 says Magnum gets a date before Higgins gets her name.
Put your money where your mouth is!
That's it. I'm going swimming.
Put your money where your mouth is!
By the end of my swim,
I'd completely forgotten that beautiful but hostile girl.
Only a crazy man goes looking for trouble.
And where women are concerned, I've always been proud of being sane.
Well, hello again. What a coincidence.
I beg your pardon?
Running into you again, on the way out.
Oh. Yes.
How are you enjoying your visit?
Awfully, thank you.
Bye.
I could tell I was making progress.
Which meant she wasn't unfriendly. Only shy.
When I write my book on how to be a top private investigator,
I'm going to include two rules on how to tail a car.
The first is, when you choose a nondescript car for tailing,
don't pick one so nondescript it's obvious.
The guys following her were so unnoticeable,
it was like they had a red flag on the hood.
The second rule is, don't get so busy tailing,
you forget to look behind you.
These yo-yos had no idea I was behind them.
Hi, guys.
Your motor's running. Don't you listen to the police?
They said it's a no-no to leave your keys in the ignition.
That's itl
That's right, lady. You call the cops.
I'd make a run for it if I were you.
One bad thing I've noticed about yo-yos.
As a group, they don't have much of a sense of humour.
What's happened to the windscreen?
- Did the oil pump explode? - May I explain later?
Are you aware it's all over the bonnet?
Of course I am. I was attacked by two yo-yos.
It's not motor oil. It's not viscous enough.
- This will destroy the lacquer. - Wait a minute.
Do you realise I'm telling you about being nearly killed
and you're worried about paint?
And the side-view mirror has been sheared off.
Forget your plan to file an insurance claim under Robin Masters' policy.
Would you get out of my way?
This kind of reckless conduct...
Out of my way before I run you down and enjoy itl
Magnum.
You're clad only in your undershorts. I find that just a trifle casual.
What do you think I used to wipe off the bloody windscreen -
the windshield so I could drive the ruddy car?
Good afternoon, my dear.
I, um, believe you've met Miss Chapman.
Yesl
Uh, yes.
The yo-yos that I was after were after her.
Is this what passes for American humor?
I'm sorry.
At the service station I thought you were going for help when you saw them.
- I stopped at two stations, for petrol. - Yes.
- The first was unattended, the second... - Yesl
Well, I'm afraid I didn't see you. I'm sure I'd remember.
These bully boys, exactly what do they look like?
One of them was a sumo wrestler.
And the other was a midget or a dwarf.
- What? - A midget or a dwarf!
Really? No bearded ladies, trapeze artists?
- Where was the rest of the circus? - Higgins.
How lovely of you to come to tea. Staff is setting it up.
I know, Higgins, you don't believe me.
Of course I do. If you'll excuse us.
Forget it. Just forget it.
Just forget the whole thing. I'm not in my underwear.
There's no oil on the car.
Just forget it. You think I'm crazy?
I'm gonna go clean up. Clean up the car.
No, I'm not cleaning up the car...
I had Rick check out the car that had followed Jennifer.
It was stolen.
Now the only question I had was who was after Jennifer. And why?
That wasn't my only question for her
but given my professional responsibility, it was the only one I could ask.
Of course, I was too experienced to do it directly.
Hello there.
Great day.
You been in the water?
I'm afraid I don't swim.
You don't swim? In Hawaii?
You're missing what it's all about.
- Really? - Yeah.
At home it's either too cold or too crowded.
Robin Masters keeps swimsuits around the house for guests.
Why not put one on?
- You don't give up, do you? - What?
- No, look, it's not that. - It's all right.
Jonathan told me about your unfortunate compulsion
where women are concerned.
Are you gonna listen to me?
I'm sorry, but my afternoon itinerary is already scheduled.
I'll be real direct.
Maybe you don't believe anything went on at that gas station,
but I've got the aches to prove it. So I want you to tell me something.
Somebody's out to get you. Why?
You know, maybe I could help.
I'm all out of red wine, so I'm gonna borrow some from...
Higgins, what the devil are you doing?
What I'm doing should be obvious to any civilized person.
But for your information, I'm practising the rumba,
a dance that requires balance, coordination,
and a lightness of both foot and spirit.
Out of the blue you just decided to put on the old patent leathers and rumba?
Be a good chap. Help me slip into this.
- As a matter of fact... - Take a breath. A small one.
Tonight is the Commodore's Ball at the yacht club.
As an honorary vice commodore, I must attend.
And rumba with some of those blue-haired ladies, I suppose.
As a matter of fact, I'm escorting Miss Chapman tonight.
Jennifer? You're taking Jennifer?
As a sort of a friend of the family so you can introduce her to the best people?
Be a good lad and lend a hand with the jacket.
Miss Chapman has confided
that she finds a man in a dinner jacket rather irresistible.
You mean this is a date? A real date?
It may be rather late when I get home tonight.
So I'll try not to accelerate as I pass the guesthouse,
unlike some people I know.
T.C. put you up to this, didn't he?
Now, one final point.
There's a half-bottle of Beaujolais in the kitchen I've been using for cooking.
It should be adequate for your palate.
For security reasons, I changed the lock on the wine cellar. Good night.
10, 20, 30, 40.
You sure about this?
I have definite confirmation. Just keep counting.
The rumba? Who does the rumba today?
Nobody, since JosŽ "Eye-turbi" quit doing movies.
Iturbi, and it just doesn't figure.
It doesn't make any sense.
Nobody likes a sore loser.
Have your hands fallen asleep clutching that bankroll?
Will you please just keep counting?
I got some side bets.
Maybe you can help me win 'em back.
Maybe it was your moustache that turned her off.
Try trimming it down. Or take hand-kissing lessons.
For you, Casanova.
Casanova?
- Uh... - Magnum speaking.
You want to know the truth about Jennifer Chapman?
- Who is this? - Who she is, where she's from.
Most of all, why she is seeing Higgins.
If you've got information, give it to me.
Meet me at the Valley of the Temples at 3:00.
I don't need to tell you to come alone, do I?
I know what you're thinking. I was thinking it, too.
When I write my private investigator manual,
there'll be a chapter on The Oldest Tricks in the World.
This had to be one of them.
An anonymous tip? A mysterious meeting?
The only trouble with the oldest tricks is, they usually work.
When dealing with one of the oldest tricks,
it helps to think of a couple of tricks yourself.
Some tricks work better than others
but if you're gonna be a world-class private investigator,
you gotta know where to forget about plans
and just make it up as you go along.
One thing I knew, even guys like this had a code.
You don't shoot your partner.
Here you go.
Please go on. I'd very much like to know.
It was such a long time ago.
Yes, but it's important to me, Jonathan.
Everything about you is important.
I was the youngest lad in our regiment.
In those dark days when Hitler was winning,
everyone was young.
We'd been going at it with Rommel all over bloody Africa.
One night, on patrol, some Jerries surprised us.
No more than the flick of the serpent's tail
as it slithered past us,
but when it was over,
I was the only one in my group left alive.
Three days in the desert.
I've always blamed myself. Somehow I should have saved...
Then what happened?
I was sent to a hospital in Cairo, before being sent home.
But you couldn't desert the regiment, could you?
I taught myself to type,
only two fingers because of the bandages,
and got myself assigned as aide-de-camp to an officer on the rise.
And when you'd won him over, completely indebted him to you,
you got him to send you back to your old post.
You must have been the most attentive aide in North Africa.
It's true.
But I would have done anything to rejoin the lads.
You're so clever, Jonathan.
Well, as I said, it was a long time ago.
It was a lifetime ago.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
I can't remember when I've had such a good time.
It was entirely my pleasure, I assure you.
Good night.
Jonathan.
You may be the most perfect gentleman I've ever known.
But did anyone ever tell you that too much perfection is boring?
Jennifer. I'm in here.
Well, tell me, how was your evening?
It was lovely. Eliza Doolittle at the ball.
Mm-hm.
Are you hungry? There's some delicious cold chicken.
- Care for a brandy? - No. Thanks. I'm fine, really.
Really? That's hardly the most positive endorsement I've ever heard.
Would you care to tell me about it?
I think I'm just tired.
Now, look, my dear, if you're feeling at all uncomfortable about our plan,
you can quit.
I'll, uh, manage something else.
On my own.
- Truly. - No.
- I'll be all right. - I don't think so.
You see, I believe that you're such a warm, generous girl,
you're experiencing doubts.
Second thoughts.
You always know what I'm thinking, don't you?
Possibly because I adored your mother so much.
And you, my dear, are so very like her.
It's just that Higgins doesn't seem like an evil man.
He has a caring quality.
My dear, the truly evil ones never seem to be so.
That's why their effect on other people is so... insidious.
Jennifer, your mother was just as trusting,
just as willing to believe.
And look what happened to her.
To me.
To us.
I trust you about everything. You know I do.
You are dearer to me than anyone else in the world.
I can't let anything happen to you,
even in my quest for retribution.
So if at any time you have second thoughts
or feel compromised in any way,
you must tell me and I'll stop.
Hmm?
Promise?
Higgins.
- Higgins? - Magnum.
You're waiting up for me?
It's so droll I almost don't object
to the rather callow invasion of my privacy.
Higgins, I want to talk to you about...
Have you been pursuing a case?
You look rather the worse for wear,
although I suppose the divorce business is fraught...
Jennifer Chapman, Higgins.
Jennifer Chapman?
What do you know about her?
I beg your pardon?
Who is she? Where is she from? Why is she interested in you?
Your insolent curiosity has finally gone too far.
A gentleman's code does not permit him to ask...
Hooray for the code.
Two yo-yos tried to put me away in a service station yesterday
and today I ran into 'em again.
The sumo wrestler and the midget. Or a leprechaun?
It was at the Valley of the Temples.
You believe it's related to Miss Chapman?
I went there because I got this phone call
and the voice said meet him at the temple
because he had information about Jennifer.
Dear me.
You almost had me believing it.
But a sumo wrestler and a dwarf and now this phone call.
You've overplayed your hand just a bit. Good night.
Try to make it back to your quarters without being waylaid by Chinese bandits.
Okay! Just forget about the fact that somebody tried to kill me twice.
Forget about the phone call.
Just tell me one thing and then I'll drop this.
And I don't mean this unkindly.
But I want you to think about this logically.
Why is a beautiful, desirable young woman
who can have just about any man in the Islands... pursuing you?
The answer is obvious, old man.
Logic is irrelevant.
It's simply... tropical madness.
A private investigator's good reputation
is his most valued asset.
I'm very particular about the cases I take and what I do on them.
For example, I never break the law.
However, with somebody trying to kill me,
maybe I could just bend it a little.
Here I was, once again, illegally searching a room.
It was the kind of thing I never got comfortable with.
I tried to console myself that it was for a good cause.
And I only hoped that I wouldn't have to try
and explain it to the police.
All the evidence makes it look like you're the target.
I'm just protecting you.
From what?
The most beautifully sensitive girl a man could hope to meet?
Are you gonna ignore the fact that when I... What are you doing?
Oh, Jonathan, you were so right. It's absolutely exhilarating.
I've been teaching Jennifer to swim.
The unspoiled young lady from England
finds a tropical paradise with an older, distinguished gentleman.
- What does he mean? - I've seen your file on Higgins.
You broke into my house and went through my private papers?
And you encouraged it.
Higgins didn't know anything about it.
Did you also play the cassettes I've dictated
or read a chapter I've typed?
How much of my privacy have you trampled on?
Sample chapter?
I'm so ashamed of the way I've deceived you,
but it seemed like the only way.
That's terrific.
She's so professional, she's already rehearsed an explanation.
Magnum, please.
My uncle was a member of the British Historical Society.
I took care of him when he was dying.
He was working on a chronicle of Montgomery's campaign in Africa,
in particular the Prince of Wales' Fusiliers.
- Don't continue. - You aren't buying this ridiculous...
What is ridiculous about the regiment?
Nothing.
What's ridiculous is me trying to slip in some reality into this discussion.
It was my uncle's dream to finish the book before he died.
He was my only family.
And suddenly, after he was gone,
his dream became mine.
After I read your records at the War Office,
I was positive you were too self-effacing to ever cooperate,
so I resorted to subterfuge.
Then I met you, got to know you,
and became fond of you.
You don't have to say any more.
Come on. Let me call the police.
I'll phone Scotland Yard. They'll run a routine check.
Come on, just say something. Please.
You will do us the kindness of going to the devil.
Come, my dear.
I know what you're thinking.
I was in deep trouble and sinking fast.
Higgins didn't believe me about Jennifer or the yo-yos trying to do me in.
I was like the kid who cried "wolf" once too often.
Somebody was manipulating me
so that I spent my energy getting Higgins to listen to me
instead of solving the case.
That meant only one thing.
It was time for desperate, inventive measures.
The only problem was I wasn't focused on what those measures should be.
Pull!
That's really not very good.
You're gonna have to do a lot of practicing
if you plan on using that on Higgins.
Don't you ever tire of being so incessantly rude?
Absolutely. So why don't we just end this for both of us?
Satisfy our curiosity.
You won't be apprehensive if I just reload?
No. Not at all. I'm an American, remember?
We're supposed to catch bullets in our teeth.
Just give me the truth.
Higgins doesn't believe anything I say, thanks to your friend.
- My friend? - The one who called me.
Promised to tell me everything about you if I met him.
A lie. Worse, an obvious lie.
What if I call the Historical Society with your dead uncle's name?
I bet they never heard of him.
- Another lie. - Like your identity?
Like your love affair with Higgins?
You're a liar. You're a damnable liar!
Magnum!
Your conduct is abominable!
I should use this on you. I should...
The hell with what I should do.
It wasn't necessary, Higgins.
The kiss wasn't worth it.
My God, I lost my temper. I haven't done that in 20 years.
And resorting to physical violence, like some tawdry melodrama.
I think you're actually quite wonderful.
The nearest, dearest thing I've seen to a hero in a very long time.
Really.
But could you please put your arm around me, because I just might cry.
How can I make amends for that barbarian?
Please. I don't even want to think about him.
But...
But what?
I want to be with you. In your home with your personal things.
But how can I, knowing that he's down there in the guesthouse,
leering at us?
We could go away for a while. Any place you like.
And give him the satisfaction of knowing he's intimidated us? Never.
There's got to be some other way.
Higgins, I'm packing as fast as I can.
Unless you plan on carrying my bags,
your standing there won't help me.
You promised to be out by noon.
I thought it prudent to check your progress.
I'll be at T.C.'s if my clients want to reach me.
A remote prospect but nonetheless I'll be delighted to relay the information.
My darling, you look ravishing. A little champagne?
My darling, you look ravishing.
A little champagne?
My darling, you look ravishing.
A little champagne?
I knew I was taking a terrible gamble sneaking back.
If I was right, Jennifer and her cohort
would make their move and I'd stop them.
If I was wrong,
well, I'd be losing a lot.
Higgins was a stubborn, tyrannical snob
but for some crazy reason, I knew I'd miss him.
My darling, you look ravishing.
A little champagne?
Charles Boyer, the torch is passed.
Zeus, Apollo. On guard, lads.
What the bloody blazes?
My darling...
you look ravishing.
A little...
Now, stay. Miss Chapman's let herself in with her own gate key.
Oh, my God!
Hey, Higgie baby. Now, that is bad. That is super bad.
Got a big night planned?
How did you get in here?
Rang the bell.
I must've rang it too hard.
Sparks started to fly out when I leaned on the gate.
What did you lean on it with? You short-circuited the alarm.
No jive?
Leave now. You are no longer a guest.
You are a common trespasser who will be dealt with summarily.
I'm going. But it just so happens
that Thomas Magnum borrowed certain personal belongings of mine.
He was so busy when he hightailed it...
Any items of yours inadvertently left on the premises
will be returned to you forthwith.
Hey. Well, just in case, I made up a list, which I have here, somewhere.
Oh.
Now, first up, my coffee pot, which is absolutely almost brand-new.
My clock radio. I don't know why Thomas Magnum borrowed that.
He never got up early since the Navy.
I can read the list. It'll be delivered to you in the morning.
I know my stuff, so don't try to palm off any of that junk you have laying around.
Wow.
My dear! You look ravishing! A little champagne?
Do something about your voice.
Sounds like you're coming down with something.
Have a good evening.
- You got him? - Loud and clear.
I'll bet it's boring.
Jonathan, may I ask a favor?
Anything.
I thought this was to be a private evening.
Must they watch?
Oh.
Zeus, Apollo. Kitchen.
The gate's open. We got company.
I don't mean to engage in sentimental gush, my dear,
but these last few days since I've met you have been simply extraordinary.
It's been a magic time for me, too.
Excuse me. This will only take a moment.
T.C., I distinctly told you...
A sumo wrestler and a dwarf?
Ah, my dear Higgins. Good evening. So frightfully sorry to intrude.
I know who is playing this practical joke
and you may tell Mr. Magnum we are not amused.
Jennifer, the alarm!
Jennifer, behind the desk, the alarm!
- Jennifer, what is this? - Don't worry.
It isn't physical violence we're here for.
What?
The humiliation.
Why?
Because of what you did during the war in Egypt to my mother and him.
You betrayed them when they tried to elope.
Tell him!
Elopement? Egypt? I'm afraid I haven't the foggiest.
Unfortunately, inexcusably, I'm afraid he's right.
What?
Yes, it was an extremely elaborate idea, over a year in the planning.
You, my dear, were merely the final actor in our drama.
I'm terribly sorry to have deceived you but the air of innocent conviction
which you brought to our endeavour was absolutely essential.
Since this may be my last opportunity to speak,
may I inquire quickly what you want?
Really, need you ask?
Robin Masters, the struggling young writer in Paris.
Spending his pittance on what he considered to be works of great art.
And how right he was. What insight. What audacity.
Picasso, Miro, Matisse.
Surely one of the world's greatest private collections.
Worth conservatively, what... 30 million?
37 is a more accurate...
And so thoughtful of you to hand it to us on a silver platter.
A most appreciated gesture.
Mind you, I must say, I don't relish being in your shoes in a couple of days' time
when they find out what an ineffectual custodian you were.
Careful!
Hold it right there. Higgins, you all right?
One move and this goes right through it.
Unless you're a far better shot than I think you are,
I suggest we negotiate.
Let's not.
Not absolutely essential.
T.C.!
Get this guy off me!
I should resign as head of security,
apologize to Robin Masters,
Perhaps even leave the Islands entirely.
Would you postpone that self-pity for ten minutes?
There's somebody else you should consider. Jennifer.
Please. No additional salt in the wound.
Come on. She's outside.
The police are gonna be here soon and she's determined to confess.
- Confess? - Take the blame.
Go to jail to protect you.
- She's innocent. - Innocent?
You heard what he said. She was tricked.
What's more, she really cares about you. Really.
Oh? Really?
Yes. You gotta move fast. This is your chance to do the decent thing.
The gallant, honourable gesture. The gentleman's code, remember?
Save her.
Jennifer.
Jonathan.
I'm so ashamed I can't even beg your pardon.
But I can forgive you. Easily. A thousand times.
But now, you must go.
T.C. will fly you out before the police arrive.
But I can't leave you here to take the blame alone.
I've got to stay with you.
No. Your place is away from here. In freedom.
If you stay, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year,
but one day, you'd only break my heart.
If you go, you have your whole life ahead
and I'll have this time to treasure.
But I care for you.
And I love you.
So you see, for me...
For me, my darling, you must go.
You know, Higgins, that was a bit of all right.
Don't hand me that wretched understatement.
I was bloody marvellous.