Keep the police out of it if you want to see your husband alive again.
You left $500,000
in a crate on the side of the road?
It was ransom money, and those were the instructions.
Do you expect me to hop over all 13 of these islands?
That's the name of your service, isn't it?
Island Hoppers?
Go, Kaholo!
Where is she?
He brought disgrace to the family.
My daughter is doing the only honorable thing.
Mitsue.
Just think of it.
All those shrimp down there,
just swimming around,
waiting for somebody to serve them up for dinner.
Thousands and thousands of 'em.
You know what it reminds me of?
Did I ever tell you about my run-in
with African army ants?
Talk about intelligence. Not like these guys.
If these shrimps were like those ants, they'd be eatin' us.
Huh, anyway,
there I was just lying in my tent.
You're a beautiful woman, Mitsue.
Come on, we better get goin'.
I'll tell you what,
after we go see this property,
why don't we go out, have a real fancy dinner?
Someplace where they charge $10 for a cup of coffee
and the waiter would do anything but chew your food for you.
Good afternoon, Mr. And Mrs. McWilliams.
Hello, George. How's your day?
Ah, okay, thanks.
I just wish it'd go a little faster.
- Big plans for the evening? - You got it.
You want me to take that to the lab?
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
And remember, George, moderation in everything.
Mr. McWilliams, coming from you...
Thank you.
Stay where you are!
Don't move!
Stay where you are!
You, too, don't move!
Now, take your gun out slowly.
Now, throw it over there. Now!
You will be called.
Keep the police out of it if you want to see your husband alive again.
Get on in! In!
Dick! Dick, come back!
You in big trouble, boy.
How you gonna get those tax forms in order by the 15th?
Don't worry about it, T.C.
I got everything under control.
Well, that's obvious.
I ain't never seen anyone so disorganized
in my whole entire life.
- Look at this mess. - Don't do that!
Don't you have to fly somebody somewhere or something?
No. Business is slow.
You can't do that.
Do what?
You can't add what's on line 70
to what's on line 60.
But wait. T.C.,
look right here. It says "total."
Uh, it's like adding apples to oranges.
What are you talking about?
Right there, T.C., it says "total."
Yeah? "Total," right there.
You got to go back to Page 3.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Hey, Higgie baby. - Hi, Higgins.
You ought to patent this filing system of yours, Magnum.
Yeah, it's a mystery to me how this man can find anything.
I must say, this displays pure genius.
Absolute financial wizardry.
No doubt the Internal Revenue Service
will be equally impressed.
But why all the fuss?
I should think it would require no time at all
to prepare the taxes of one who has no income.
Did you come here for a reason, Higgins?
There's a Mrs. McWilliams in the living room
who wishes to see you.
Maybe she wants T.M. to do her taxes.
Will you stop it!
Why didn't you just send her over?
She'd prefer to see you alone.
Hi, Mitsue.
Hello, Thomas.
Uh-oh,
come on, what's he done this time?
Another fight?
Somebody suing him?
What's wrong?
Dick's been kidnapped.
Rule one in kidnapping cases; Always call the police.
Rule 2 in kidnapping cases; Never call the police.
The truth is, you flip a coin and take your chances.
Since Mitsue wanted to keep Five-O out of it,
I decided to go along.
At least for the time being.
Mitsue, could I have some tea?
Oh, of course.
How rude of me not to offer. I'm sorry.
I hate tea.
But my job for the moment
was to keep Mitsue busy until the call came.
I'd known Dick since our paths crossed
in the Navy 10 years ago.
He was a hell-raiser.
Always at the bottom of a practical joke
or chasing a pretty woman.
That was until he married Mitsue.
Then he laid off the women.
I think.
I remember his tiny bachelor pad in Black Point.
It was filled with trophies, pictures, and Fred.
Fred was the meanest turtle I'd ever seen
and Dick swears he didn't catch him.
It was the other way around.
Knowing Dick, he was probably right.
May I help you?
Uh, yes. I'm Thomas Magnum.
I am Yoshio Nishimoto, Mitsue's father.
I speak English.
Oh, well, Mitsue asked me to help her.
I'm waiting with her for the kidnappers to call.
Father.
I thought you were at the aquafarm.
Why did you involve this man in our private affairs?
I'm a friend of Dick's. I'm just here to help, sir.
I have no desire to see Mr. McWilliams returned.
Father.
I care nothing for the man
nor what becomes of him.
Mr. Nishimoto, I think Dick's done
a lot for you and for your family.
- Such as? - The aquafarm.
The whole thing was his idea, wasn't it?
Mr. Magnum,
we were hardly poor fish peddlers.
My son-in-law merely used an already existing business
and its money to further his own ambitions.
Perhaps Westerners find that enterprising.
I do not.
Good day, Mr. Magnum.
Please.
Mitsue, has your father always felt that way about Dick?
We're Japanese, Thomas.
He didn't want me to marry Dick.
I'm sorry.
It is nothing to be sorry for.
It is the way it is.
I am very happy with Dick.
Wait a minute.
Do you have an extension?
In the dining room.
Hello?
$500,000, tomorrow noon.
Dillenger banana plantation.
Put the money in a small crate by the side of the road.
Don't involve the police.
Can you raise that kind of money by tomorrow?
Without your father's help?
Yes.
Look, Mitsue, maybe we better call the police.
It might be the safest thing.
No, please.
They'll kill him.
All right.
I'll be here in the morning.
Oh.
How can anybody so tiny weigh so much?
It's the dress.
Oh, look at this.
I look like a pale blue polar bear.
Oh, Dick.
How did you ever talk me into renting this thing?
Well, I think you look very nice.
Like a big angel.
Well, this place isn't bad.
But I'll bet you that the bed is round
and that the bathtub is heart-shaped.
Dick?
I'm sorry, Mits.
I never had any family, but I know how you feel.
I knew what I was doing.
None of your family showed up at all.
It doesn't matter.
It was still beautiful.
Yeah.
All that champagne left over.
Couldn't let it go to waste.
History, Mits. You made history.
You finally got old Dick McWilliams to the altar.
I never thought you would,
and none of my pals did either.
I hope you don't regret it.
Not if you don't.
But I do.
I'm scared. I regret it like crazy.
Until I remember the woman I married.
You're the only woman
that I'd want to change my life for.
You've made me think of a home as something more
than a place to leave my dirty socks.
You make me wish I was younger
or better looking.
Shh. Don't.
I love you.
And I love everything about you.
And I love you.
Why don't we go and act like newlyweds?
The stakes were getting higher,
but Mitsue still didn't want the police called in.
As for my little voice,
the trusty little voice that tells me what to do,
well, it was being unusually quiet.
That's the trouble with little voices.
No consistency.
You know, T.C., you forgot to deduct leasing costs and business expenses.
What do you mean, leasing costs and business expenses?
Well, the Ferrari, for one.
Robin Masters lets him use the Ferrari free of charge.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, you could say this is his office.
That's rent.
He don't pay no rent.
Hmm.
Well, what about redecorating expenses
like new carpeting, paint, new lighting fixtures?
What about furniture expenses, like the desk that he uses,
the sofa that his clients sit on,
and the bed?
How can you list the bed as a business expense?
List it as entertainment.
Hi, guys.
- Hey. - Hi, Thomas.
- I need your help. - For what?
Well,
I'll tell you. Uh, it's nothing big.
I just need you to help me deliver $500,000.
This is Red Dog. Charlie spotted.
Masked man riding yellow Bronco. Over.
Could you make the license-plate number?
Negative. No plates.
Terrific.
He didn't come out.
Where did it go?
I don't know. It's gotta be in there.
Lower this thing. I want to take a peek, T.C.
A peek, huh?
There it is.
Must have made a switch.
He's gotta be in one of those cars that just went through.
Great. Which one?
I don't know. Follow them all till I ID 'em.
T.C., I can't read the numbers when you rock the chopper.
Well, pardon me all to hell.
Does that plate look like DPL or, or OPL?
Well, I can't tell.
I'm busy not rocking the chopper.
I managed to get license numbers on seven cars,
despite T.C.'s rocky ride.
Now, all I had to do was run them down
and see which one came closest to being a kidnapper.
It would be a very tedious job.
I put Rick and T.C. on it.
They thought I handed them the lousy job,
but believe me, nothing was as bad
as waiting for the phone to ring.
Why are they taking so long to call?
Perhaps, you and your friend Magnum
gave our money away for nothing.
You know, you're really something.
You may not like Dick, but he's your daughter's husband.
That is not a marriage I approved.
So you torture her when she's scared and in pain?
Speak English!
Thank you, Thomas.
Out!
Yeah, yeah, Shakey, I'm holding. I'm holding.
Will you just cut off the music?
Great, just what I need,
another 10 minutes of Downtown by violinists.
How did you do?
Ah, I don't know.
How can you tell if someone's a kidnapper or not?
You mean you didn't check those names out?
Of course I checked them out.
The first one was a cop with Five-O.
Figured he probably wasn't our man.
Well, what was his name?
McGarrett.
Oh, yeah, then next, uh, was a dental hygienist.
Man, she had the prettiest white...
Hold on, Shakey. Hold on a minute.
What about the dental hygienist?
Small apartment somewhere.
Sounds okay. I don't know.
Give me her name. I'll have Shakey check 'em out.
Shakey?
He's a sergeant with the HPD. He owes me some favors.
Shakey? Shakey. Yeah, listen...
You mean the whole time I've been running
all over Honolulu looking up these people,
you been sitting right here, doing it on the phone?
Hey, I've been out, too, okay?
What happened to your eye?
Who gave you that?
Shakey, Shakey, don't hang up, now.
I want you to check one other thing for me,
run it down for me.
Yes.
Mable Page. P-A-G-E.
166 Oahu Street.
166. Apartment 6-B.
And, uh, Shakey. Shakey?
How does HPD afford music on hold?
It's not a real orchestra, you know.
They put those things on tape.
T.C., you can make dumb remarks all day long
and I still ain't gonna tell you.
After sitting with Mitsue nearly all day,
there was still no word on Dick.
So when T.C. and Rick came up with two possible suspects,
I decided to check them out.
Rick wouldn't tell me which one gave him the black eye.
Gloria Bauer?
- Don't know you. - Oh, wait a minute.
Excuse me. How can you be sure?
Nope. I'd remember you.
What do you want?
Well, may I come in?
Go ahead, sit down.
Miss Bauer.
Gloria. And what's your name?
Magnum. Thomas Magnum.
Like a big bottle of champagne.
Do you own a 1974 blue sedan?
License number AFF444?
It's about those damn parking tickets, isn't it?
- No, it's not about any tickets. - I told you people 1,000 times,
that parking meter out there is broken.
I don't know anything about any tickets.
Honest.
So what are you asking me about my car for?
Then it is your car?
Doesn't do me any good. I can't drive the thing.
Not with gas as high as it is.
Oh, did you drive it today?
Nope. Not yesterday either.
Miss Bauer.
Gloria.
Uh, your car was seen on the road today about 12:00.
Damn jerk. Borrowed it again.
He's always borrowing without asking.
Who?
Kaholo.
The love of my life.
You left $500,000 in a crate
on the side of the road?
Higgins, will you just forget about that?
$500,000. Are you mad?
Don't answer that.
It was ransom money, and those were the instructions.
What would you do?
Without question, I would have involved the police
or at least have the assailants followed.
That's what T.C. And I did,
except the assailants turned out to be pretty smart
and they switched vehicles in a tunnel.
And then we had to track down
each and every vehicle that came out of the tunnel.
And then when I finally found the kidnapper,
well, it was actually his girlfriend,
he turned out to be a friend of Dick's.
Nothing is ever simple with you, Magnum, is it?
Will you just answer my question
please?
During the last fiscal year,
Nishimoto's profits soared
39.6 percent.
In addition, they received a handsome premium
from their merger with Emerald Sea Foods, Inc.
Emerald Sea stockholders were offered
cash or stock in Nishimoto.
Naturally, most preferred stock
since the cash would be immediately taxable.
I would estimate Mr. McWilliams' personal income,
what with the profits, premium and merger,
and of course a salary raise,
to have risen tenfold.
So the taxes he'd pay...
Mr. McWilliams would, as the saying goes,
be taken to the cleaners by your Uncle Sam.
Unless, of course, he has sufficient deductions.
Maybe he found the biggest deduction of all.
You think he kidnapped himself?
$500,000 of undeclared income,
and nobody gets hurt but my Uncle Sam?
Maybe...
Yes?
Dick was the kind of guy
who never could stay with anything, or anyone, too long.
Maybe this was his ticket out.
I just hope his wife is in on it.
His ticket out of what?
Dick!
Dick. Dick.
Decided to hibernate with me after all, huh?
Some guy came visiting Gloria today.
Tall, moustache. I don't know.
Gloria, she's sauced again.
Could hardly understand a word she said.
Well, what happened?
He wanted to know who was driving her car yesterday.
Doesn't mean anything.
This guy meant business.
I think he was waiving a gun in Gloria's face
'cause she kept muttering something about a Magnum.
Oh, damn.
What?
Mitsue called Tom.
Who?
Thomas Magnum.
He's an old Navy buddy of mine.
But he's a detective now.
Okay, that's it. You gotta get out of here.
Go to the Mainland or something.
No. No, no.
I'm gonna stay right here, just like we planned.
Are you crazy?
No. I'm hot.
No matter where I'd go, he'd have it staked out.
Your place, Gloria's.
Well, you better come in here, too,
until things cool down.
Dick, listen.
Why don't you just go back to Mitsue?
Pretend you really got nabbed,
and you still got all the money.
I can't.
Why not?
I just can't, that's all!
I was never cut out for that kimono crowd, anyway.
But I did love her.
I really did.
I think maybe you still do, brother.
Maybe.
But not enough to stick around.
Oh, it's the best way for her, too.
I was starting to get a roving eye again, you know?
I didn't want to hurt her, not like that.
Besides, look, we got $500,000 to split.
That will buy us a lot of fishing anywhere.
I'm sticking right here in the Islands.
I can... I can still disappear till this quiets down.
I'll check with you in a couple of days.
Yeah.
Stay away from Gloria's.
Yeah.
What makes you so sure that Dick is all right?
Because I think Dick knows the man who kidnapped him.
And I think you know him, too.
I don't understand.
Dick had his fishing buddy kidnap him, Mitsue.
- And I think you're in on it. - What?
Come on, Mitsue. I'm not a fool. Dick kidnapped himself.
Look, I don't know why you're saying that.
But I do know I don't have to listen.
Mitsue.
Please go.
Mitsue.
You really don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?
I'll send you a check for what we owe you.
Mitsue, wait a minute. Just hear me out.
Just leave.
I'll be interested in hearing what Mr. Magnum has to say.
Especially in light of what I've already heard.
Please, Father.
Why did my son-in-law arrange his own kidnapping?
He didn't.
Please continue, Mr. Magnum.
Mitsue, does the truth frighten you that much?
It's just a theory. It has to do with taxes.
Of course.
He made a great deal of money this last year.
Yes.
I must admit my son-in-law has exercised
a considerable amount of ingenuity
in yet another demonstration of his immoral character.
Look, he's probably hiding out till things cool off.
Do either of you know a place he might have gone?
I know of no place. Mitsue?
Your husband brings disgrace to this family
and you have nothing to say?
I know of no place either.
I'm sorry, Mitsue.
There's no need.
Please go.
I felt lower than someone who beats up little puppies.
I know Mitsue had been through hell
trying to get her family to accept Dick,
and I'd just blown it for her.
What was worse, I had an idea she was in for a lot more grief.
If you're planning suicide,
please do it on someone else's beach.
What?
- You look despondent. - I'm not despondent.
I'm depressed.
Sorry. I should have noticed the difference.
I just told Mitsue my theory about Dick.
No doubt with your usual timing and tact.
You know, Higgins, it's very easy for you to be sarcastic.
You don't care about these people.
You don't know what they've been through.
Or I put 'em through.
Damn! I just don't know what to do.
Your case reminds me of Mandalay in '48
when Burma gained its independence.
Higgins, please. I do not want another one of your travelogues.
One of our lads was kidnapped.
He was involved with the daughter of an Oriental tea merchant.
There were all sorts of political and social ramifications.
As an aide to the former British governor,
I wanted to investigate the case.
But it was out of our jurisdiction.
My hands were tied.
The incompetent local authorities finally found the lad,
decomposed beyond recognition.
That's awful.
Yes.
He was the finest cricketer in the regiment.
Higgins, you trying to tell me something?
Good heavens, no.
Of course,
you do have jurisdiction, even though somewhat limited.
You can do something to see justice is done.
You also don't have to let the local authorities muck it up.
Thank you, Higgins.
What for?
I was just reminiscing.
Hello.
Anybody there?
No. I ain't taking her out.
One of the engines is down
and it's gonna take me the day to get her runnin'.
Try the Nalani.
No, wait a minute. Are you the captain?
Hello?
Well, what do you think?
Oh.
I hear you take Dick McWilliams out a lot.
Yeah, he's a regular.
And his pal. A big Hawaiian.
Why are you so interested?
Well, I hear they can spend days doing nothing
but baiting hooks and slugging down beers.
They stay here on the boat?
On this boat? Are you kiddin'?
Would you?
No. Where do they stay?
Always something going wrong.
Today it's that damn engine.
Tomorrow, who knows?
- Could be the valves. - Uh-huh.
Of course the generator's been acting up lately.
Boy,
I'll bet you could always use a little extra cash, huh?
Yeah, I guess I could.
Tsk.
Yeah, I used to take Dick and Kaholo
up to the Koolau Islands.
- It's good fishin' there. - Any particular place?
I just told you. The Koolau Islands.
Yeah, I know, but do you have any idea how many there are?
13?
Do you expect me to hop over all 13 of these islands?
That's the name of your service, isn't it?
Island Hoppers?
Yeah, I'm thinking about changing it to Magnum's Taxi Service.
Look, we'll start with the big ones.
Head that way, T.C.
"Head that way, T.C.
Stop here, T.C. Drop me there, T.C."
Enough, T.C.
You know, I feel like an elevator,
going up, going down,
and going up and going down.
Wait a minute. I got another shack.
Yeah, that's number 24.
Just set it down, okay?
Next week I can write a book:
Tourist Guide to Every Deserted Shack in Hawaii.
All the flying I did today,
if I wasn't already certified,
I could qualify now.
Hello?
Anybody here?
T.C. wasn't exactly happy
about today's wild-goose chase.
But we finally found what we were looking for,
unfortunately.
It was a lousy end to a lousy day.
My little voice finally started talking.
It said I should have called the cops in the first place.
That's often the best thing about my little voice.
20/20 hindsight.
You're blaming yourself.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
You got that "I should have done it different" look all over your face.
Well, I should have.
Telling Mitsue and her father that Dick kidnapped himself was dumb.
I don't think it was dumb.
Hey, we all knew Dick was somewhat of a good-timer.
Yeah, I suppose.
You know, I think it still was his scam.
I guess somebody just got a little bit too greedy.
Maybe like his buddy Kaholo?
Maybe.
Island Hoppers.
Where the hell have you guys been?
It's for you.
Hello.
Your man Kaholo showed up.
Is he still there?
Yeah. He's still there.
But my guess is he won't be here for long.
And Thomas, you were right. He snuck in the back way.
I'm on my way.
And, Rick, if he tries to leave, you stop him.
Sure. I'll just put him in an arm-lock.
Gee, is he nuts.
What are we gonna name it?
Name what?
Our orchid farm.
Oh. I don't care. Name it anything you want.
Can we call it "Gloria's Farm"?
I've never seen my name up in lights like that before.
- Fine. - That's okay with you?
Fine. Yeah, that's fine, Gloria.
Listen, could you hurry up? We gotta get out of here.
Who is it?
Magnum. I want to talk to you.
I don't feel like talking.
Go, Kaholo!
Stand up.
The cut wasn't big enough for you, you had to kill him.
What?
We've been to the island. We found Dick's body.
I didn't do it.
We set up the nab together, but I didn't kill him.
I swear I didn't.
I didn't even know he was dead.
Then why did you take the lover's exit?
'Cause Gloria told me you were looking for me.
I even told Dick. I went to the...
I went to the shack to warn him.
He's good. He covered all his ground.
It's the truth. When I left him, he was fine.
It's... it's my share. $100,000. Go ahead, count it.
Who else knew about the island?
I didn't think anybody did.
Rick and T.C. took Kaholo to the police.
He was still singing the same innocent song.
I sort of believed him,
though I really didn't want to.
The alternative was really ugly.
Mitsue.
Where's Mitsue?
Our problems no longer concern you, Mr. Magnum.
You know he's dead, don't you?
I found him. No knife, no gun.
Beaten to death.
You're a fisherman. You know where he'd go.
I had no intention of killing him.
I went to talk,
to make him return to the police.
But as usual, he would not listen to me.
Instead, he chose to provoke me.
I responded accordingly.
Did you really have to, or did you want to?
Where is Mitsue?
You are Occidental. You do not understand.
Where is she?
He brought disgrace to the family.
My daughter is doing the only honorable thing.
Seppuku?
You're willing to let your daughter kill herself?
She insisted. I respect her wishes.
Out of my way.
Mitsue!
Mitsue, don't.
He was never coming back to me.
Mitsue.
All the time
I thought he loved me.
I believed him.
Dick was two different men.
One who was always looking for a good time,
no matter who it hurt,
but the other was a man who loved you,
very much.
So much so that
I think he knew that he'd ruin your life
if he stayed.
Remember the good parts of him, Mitsue.
There's enough people that remember the rest.
Thomas, can you get me some oregano?
Oh, sure.
Say, Rick, who was the other one on the list?
What list?
Oh, the list of drivers that we IDed.
Hmm. What do you think?
More salt.
Right.
So, who was it, Rick?
You think it needs more wine?
Rick, come on. Who was it?
Catherine.
Catherine who?
T.C., what about the peppers?
Rick.
I don't know. They don't have a last name.
Who doesn't have a last name?
Nuns.
Well, what's so funny?
You mean to tell me a nun gave you that shiner?
She thought I was trying to steal her car.
Hey, she was a big nun.