You've written seven chapters of his autobiography
and you haven't even met him?
VIRGINIA: He's an eccentric.
[LAUGHING]
Dinner or open-heart surgery?
Germs.
Harold W. Farber.
Where... Where is she?
Who's the insurance salesman?
Come over here.
You never made this trip, you understand?
Why?
We have competitors.
Industrial espionage security.
It's all legal, and above board.
If you got any more of these trips that I didn't make,
you just call me.
RICK: Well, first he's gonna tell you
he's not gonna take you anyplace anymore.
And then he's gonna tell you
about all the favors he's done for you in the past.
And then last but not least,
he'll probably tell you never to call him again.
You think it's gonna be that bad, Rick?
It's just a little gas money.
You're gonna get your chance to find out right now.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Thomas, let me pay for that.
[CHUCKLING]
This is for Thomas' beer,
and this is for a round of drinks for everybody.
I hope you can break this down, Rick baby.
$100? What did you do, rob a bank?
Orville, you're such a joker.
Uh, T.C., I hate to be the one to spoil your happy mood.
Oh, look, I-I'll just come right out with it.
I don't have the money that I promised to give you today.
Tut, tut, tut. Not to worry, Thomas.
You can give it to me tomorrow, next week.
Whenever you get it is soon enough for me, brother.
All right, T.C., spit it out. What's up?
What's up?
Yeah, what's up?
Buying these drinks, and now this business with the gas money.
You've been waiting weeks for the gas money. You know that.
Uh, Rick.
[T.C. CLEARS THROAT]
Let's just say
that my chopper business has finally paid off.
I mean, a few days ago,
I did a respectable piece of business.
Hell, that's great, T.C. What did you do?
I can't say.
Oh, wonderful.
I didn't do anything wrong.
It's just that it's very confidential.
And very, very profitable.
Magnum.
The keys.
What is it now, Higgins?
The alarm system is still not functional.
MAGNUM: I fixed it yesterday.
Be that as it may, it was inoperable this afternoon.
Well, Zeus and Apollo keep digging up the wires.
HIGGINS: I don't care why it's inoperable, Magnum.
Our deal was, you fix the system, you drive the Ferrari.
Since it isn't repaired...
How am I gonna get home?
T.C.: [CLEARS THROAT] Higgy baby,
I was hoping that I would run into you today.
Uh, I've been thinking of making some investments,
and, uh, I was hoping that maybe you might give me some advice.
Well, uh,
perhaps the local bank, a savings account.
No, no, no, no,
uh, I have a few thou to invest and I don't think
that a savings account would, uh, reap me my best deal.
Well, uh,
as a matter of fact, I am putting together a small group of investors.
T.C., you do not want to get involved with Higgins
and his regiment of Her Majesty's pensioners.
My prescience in matters of business has paid off handsomely.
He owns a couple of slummy buildings in Honolulu.
HIGGINS: They are modern works of art,
paragons of design.
Thomas Magnum.
I'm Magnum.
Virginia Fowler.
I, uh, just had a phone conversation with Robin Masters,
and he suggested I contact you.
Would you mind driving me back to my hotel?
Your hotel?
Please.
I need your help.
Of course.
I'm sure that Mr. Masters would want me to help.
Thank you very much.
MAGNUM: Virginia Fowler was famous in a quiet sort of a way.
She'd ghostwritten some of the popular autobiographies
in the last five years.
Movie stars, athletes and politicians would turn to her
if they couldn't turn a phrase.
Work on her current book had been going well.
That is, until today.
She came home from a morning swim to find trouble.
The kind of sensational stuff that in a book
usually makes for bad reviews.
Anything else missing?
No.
They only took
all the papers having to do with Harold Farber's book,
and the tapes of my first seven chapters.
Who doesn't want the book written?
Just about everybody who is mentioned in it.
Farber doesn't want me to pull any punches.
How many people know this book is being written?
A lot of people.
But only Farber
and Emerson White, his managing director,
know that it's being ghostwritten by me.
If someone were concerned enough,
they'd find out who was writing it.
You probably got tailed to one of his meetings.
Meetings?
[CHUCKLING]
I've never even seen Harold Farber.
All our conversations have been over the phone.
You've written seven chapters of his autobiography,
and you haven't even met him?
He's an eccentric.
[PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me. That might be important.
MAGNUM: Harold Farber was the human equivalent of Bigfoot.
He made the headlines a lot,
but hardly anyone had ever seen him.
And nobody knew when he'd make another appearance.
I wasn't so sure he even existed.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
That was Emerson White,
managing director of Farber Industries.
It seems I've been invited to lunch by Harold Farber.
Do you know how long I've been trying to get to meet that guy?
Don't you think that's kind of funny?
I mean, coming right after your stuff being stolen?
I think I better go with you.
How?
MAGNUM: It had been a long time since I put my suit on.
I was surprised it was still in style.
And still smelt like mothballs.
[PANTING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
They don't recognize you all dressed up.
Very funny, Higgins.
MAGNUM: Higgins!
Ah. They recognize the voice.
Higgins, call them off.
I'm afraid they'll have to stay on patrol
until the alarm system is operational.
I'll fix it tomorrow.
We shouldn't put off until tomorrow...
What we can do today. Higgins, we wouldn't want
Robin Masters to find out I was late picking up Miss Fowler,
because of the lads, would we?
[DOGS BARKING]
Zeus, Apollo, come.
Thank you very much.
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
MAGNUM: I was running late.
I had taken too much time getting dressed,
and that's a bad sign.
Instead of worrying about the job
I was going to do for my client,
my mind was taken up with picking exactly the right tie.
As if it matters.
I like that tie.
MAGNUM: The Farber building security was more than good.
But it made me a little uneasy.
I never liked places you couldn't enter from the street.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I'm Virginia Fowler and this is my assistant.
Are you Miss Fowler?
Yes.
And, uh, is this your assistant?
Yes.
I'm Barker, ma'am,
Mr. Farber's gentlemen's gentleman.
Come with me.
[MACHINES BEEPING]
Here she comes.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Yes?
She's visiting Farber.
Don't worry, I'll be back before they are through.
Who's that with her?
That's her assistant.
I want a complete background on him before he leaves here.
Arthur, you're chief of security.
He should have been checked.
Yes, sir. I, uh, I'll call research.
[DIALING TELEPHONE]
[LAUGHING]
Dinner or open-heart surgery?
This is great.
I think this is gold.
You're gonna put this in your book, Miss Fowler?
Who would believe it?
Yes, you're probably right.
Miss Fowler, nice to see you
in the compound for the first time.
Mr. White, I thought you were in New York
preparing for the board of directors' meeting.
I leave in the morning.
Uh, this is Thomas Milton, my assistant.
Emerson White, Harold Farber's eyes, ears and right hand.
And the one responsible for getting information to me.
It's nice to finally put a face with the name, Mr. White.
And I must say, I am particularly looking forward
to meeting the elusive Harold Farber in person.
Yes. Well, this meeting was called rather abruptly
because of Mr. Farber's deteriorating health.
He wanted to be sure to meet Miss Fowler while he still could.
I must say that Miss Fowler and I were really quite surprised
when the invitation came in this morning.
We have difficulty getting him up for visitors.
- Mr. White? - Yes?
Why are we wearing these?
Germs.
Of course.
I certainly hope that Mr. Farber is feeling better
than the last time I spoke with him.
When was that?
A week ago yesterday at 10:00 a.m.
I remember because when I heard
Harold Farber himself was on the line, I got so nervous.
What did he say?
Oh, he was a bit incoherent,
but, uh, he knew he was very ill
and wanted me to finish the book as quickly as possible.
That's wonderful.
Mr. Farber has boxed up some more of his papers for you to take,
some personal papers this time.
Oh! What a relief! Without those papers,
Miss Fowler would have had to skip
our subject's private life altogether.
Lady and gentlemen,
Harold W. Farber.
FARBER: Will you stop following me?
I know where I'm going!
[STUTTERING] Where is she?
Mr. Farber, may I present Miss Fowler.
Oh, White, you weren't kidding when you said she's a looker.
Who's the insurance salesman?
I'm Miss Fowler's assistant, sir.
I must say, it's a thrill and a pleasure to meet you.
Well, you sit there.
And you, you will sit by me.
Get your cotton-picking hands off me.
Get your hands off me! Get... get...
What wine?
Oh.
Scriptures.
Give us a scripture.
Uh, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
Amen.
What is this stuff? It tastes funny.
Chateau Lafitte, sir.
19...
I say, 1949.
We're out of muscatel?
We'll try locating some for you, sir.
Barker, this stuff gives me heartburn.
Now,
you,
you want my story.
[FARBER GROANING]
BARKER: The poor master!
He'll be okay.
Shouldn't he go to a hospital?
Harold Farber doesn't go to hospitals.
Hospitals go to Harold Farber.
WHITE: Take him to bed and get Dr. Roberts.
Yes, sir.
I'm terribly sorry about this, Miss Fowler.
We can count on your discretion, of course.
Of course.
Discretion?
That, sir, goes without saying.
[MACHINES BEEPING]
How was Farber?
True to form.
That's good.
'Cause that assistant's real name is Thomas Magnum,
an ex-Naval intelligence officer,
currently a private investigator.
MAGNUM: Well, I've now met Harold Farber.
But you know, I still wasn't sure he existed.
They put me in a new bungalow.
It's gonna take days to clean up the old one.
You're lucky they didn't kick you out.
VIRGINIA: Oh, no. Not again.
MAGNUM: Now they are gonna kick you out.
Hey.
It's all right. I think I got an idea.
MAGNUM: Virginia needed protection,
so I brought her to Robin Masters' guesthouse.
I'd done as much for other clients,
but maybe never quite as willingly.
[CHUCKLES]
What a fantastic life you lead.
You really think so?
Have you always been a private investigator?
No, I used to be a paper boy.
Uh, I'm serious.
I'm serious. I was in Naval intelligence.
Oh. You don't seem like the type.
The Navy, I mean, not the intelligence.
I know what you mean.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[DOGS BARKING]
[DOGS GROWLING]
[DOGS WHINING]
Um, then?
Then.
You were in the Navy.
Yes, I was in the Navy.
A career man, Navy all the way.
What happened?
I started asking myself a lot of questions.
And?
I'm still asking.
I just hate putting you out of your bedroom like this.
Sure you'll be all right there?
Oh, it's fine.
You, uh, you should stay in the bedroom.
It's safer, more secure.
Interesting evening.
Oh, I guess so. It's not everyday
you get to see the legendary Harold Farber
fall blotto at the dinner table.
That's not what I meant.
Good night, Virginia.
Good night, Thomas.
[SIGHS]
MAGNUM: I had this very strict policy
about not having relationships with my clients.
Anything else just wouldn't be professional.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
[GUNSHOT FIRES]
MAGNUM: Get down!
Somebody's trying to shoot at one of us.
Stay right there.
VIRGINIA: Thomas.
What's going on? What's wrong?
Somebody tried to shoot me.
Twice!
Who is he?
I don't know who he is, but I intend to find out.
Stay right there.
- Who sent you? - Nobody.
I said, who sent you?
Now, care to change your mind?
MAGNUM: With my .45 nuzzling his ear,
I expected the guy to take us to his employer.
What I didn't expect was that he'd take us in a limo.
MRS. BALLARD: Oscar!
I'm sorry, uh, I think I'm in the wrong room.
Mrs. Ballard!
You know this woman?
Virginia!
Oh, dear me.
[MRS. BALLARD SIGHING]
Dear me. Now I've really gone and done it, haven't I?
Know this man?
Of course. That's Oscar.
Don't worry, Mrs. Ballard. It's all right.
Is the senator with you?
He's in Washington. He doesn't know I'm here.
Senator Ballard's wife?
Yes.
VIRGINIA: What are you doing here then?
And why are you sending these gunmen after me?
MRS. BALLARD: Oscar, I said no violence.
It wasn't me, ma'am. I swear.
All I wanted were the letters.
What letters?
They were shameful.
It would just kill the senator if he knew.
What letters?
And my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren.
It's the only indiscretion of my life.
I was a young widow.
I hadn't met the senator yet.
Harold...
Harold just swept me off my feet.
Oh. Harold Farber.
You wrote some letters to Harold Farber?
Why didn't you just ask him to return the letters?
Well, I did.
As soon as I heard about the autobiography, I telephoned him.
He said he'd give me the letters.
And when I got here this week, they wouldn't let me see him,
or even speak to him by telephone.
And then they sent the letters to you.
Me?
I don't have your letters.
You don't?
Okay, Mrs. Ballard.
That explains the two ransacked rooms,
but who's trying to kill me?
MRS. BALLARD: Certainly not Harold Farber.
He's a very gentle man.
He wouldn't harm anyone.
I think I can get those letters back for you.
Wait a minute.
After what happened last time I was there,
he owes me another visit.
MAGNUM: Now just hold on.
I said somebody just tried to kill me.
Could you get me in there?
MAGNUM: No, she couldn't.
Didn't you two just hear what I said?
Somebody's tried to kill me, twice.
And it has something to do with Harold Farber.
And besides that, that could be dangerous.
Well, then, you'd better come with us.
RICK: It's a simple question.
Whose autobiography is she writing?
I can't tell you that.
Well, then I can't do you a favor.
- Sorry, pal. - Come on, Rick.
Who she's writing about falls under client confidentiality.
- You know that. - Oh, I see.
It's okay for you to send me out on your goofy cases,
but when it comes to anything else, just forget it, right?
No.
I just can't tell you, that's all.
You just can't tell me, that's all. You sound like T.C.
He's been acting like a KGB agent lately.
Why is it that I bend over backwards for you guys,
I'll do anything for you,
I ask you one simple question, just one,
and you act like I come from 60 Minutes.
All right, all right,
if I tell you, will you do me the favor?
Maybe.
She's writing the book about me.
[LAUGHING]
About you?
That's a riot.
What's so funny?
It just so happens I've had a pretty interesting life.
Sure, a couple of chapters maybe, but a whole book?
I'm even including an item or two about you, old buddy.
- You are? Like what? - Like Bangkok.
Like that girl who wouldn't kiss you
because she was brought up in a convent.
All the time she was saying no,
she was picking your pockets and stealing your watch.
That's not funny.
Oh, some people think it is very funny.
That's personal stuff, Thomas.
Don't you need permission from me to write stuff like that?
I'm not writing it.
I am merely recounting my life
and including the people and the memories that have made it what it is.
Thomas.
Of course,
I could forget to leave out some of those stories
if I really wanted to.
Of course, I'm sure.
All right, I'll do the favor.
Let's get one thing straight.
I'm not gonna put on any dumb disguise.
I'm not playing garbage man, delivery man,
sewer man, or any other kind of man.
That--That's final, all right?
Of course.
[BELL BUZZING]
State your business.
Delivery. Muscatel for the penthouse.
Someone will be right down.
Barker, delivery.
Mike, keep an eye on Barker.
He dozes off a lot.
Can I help you, sonny?
Hey, pops. Got a little delivery here for you.
[BARKER GROANS]
Hang on to that now.
You all right? Let me give you a hand here.
You all right there, pop? You got them?
BARKER: The master always takes a small glass
just at bedtime.
Yeah, right. You sure you got them now?
I'm trying to help you over here.
Well, it looked like rain earlier in the day.
Rheumatism always tells me when it's about to rain...
Yeah, rain, it's gonna rain, pop. You're right.
[BARKER GROANS]
It always rains on Wednesdays.
You got that?
Uh, thank you.
T.C.: Okay, well, how come I can't be a general partner
as opposed to a limited partner?
Really, T.C., that's so elementary,
I hardly know where to begin.
Since I'm getting ready to invest a few thou,
you better begin at the beginning.
It's simple, T.C.
The limited partners put up all the money,
and the general partner spends it
and shares in the profits, if there are any.
Oh.
Well, then I definitely want to be
the general partner.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
How come?
There already is a general partner.
- Who? - Me.
Wait... wait... wait.
You mean, I'm putting in all my money,
and you ain't putting in any,
but, yet instead, you get to sharing the profits?
No way. Look here, Higgins,
if I find you trying to run this con on anybody else,
I'm gonna report you to the Better Business Bureau.
[SNIGGERING]
Uh...
Here. This ain't the key to the city.
Just so long as it fits the elevator.
Hey, hey, hey, where's my van? Is it okay?
Your van is fine.
Oh, T.C., uh, one of my clients may need to rent your chopper later.
$100 an hour for the chopper.
Deal.
T.C.: And if I get shot at,
it's triple plus damages.
Why would you get shot at, T.C.?
Okay, $100. Double, if shot at.
No. Triple, if I get shot at.
T.C.!
Triple.
[SIGHS]
Deal.
Plus damages?
Plus damages.
Okay, where are we flying?
I want you to wait by the phone.
If you don't hear from me by 8.00,
I want you to land on the roof of the Farber building and pick us up.
No way.
But you just said deal.
I didn't. You did.
T.C., what's going on?
Let's just say that I'm getting smart, that's all.
Sorry, Thomas.
Later, fellas.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Why would T.C. turn down all that money?
MAGNUM: T.C. backed out,
but I still had to go through with this.
Somewhere I had this feeling
he'd change his mind and come through for me.
At least I hoped he would.
Good afternoon, Barker.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
[MACHINES BEEPING]
[BARKER GROANS]
Oh, my God! He's fainted!
- Miss Fow... - Help!
Help! My God, he's fainted!
He's fainted.
Help. Help.
- [BARKER STAMMERING] - Help!
BARKER: Miss Fowler, are you...
[GRUNTS] The man...
Uh, I know a heart attack when I see one.
I used to be a nurse.
- Heart attack? - VIRGINIA: Yes.
What?
[BARKER GAGGING]
Well, we've got to get him to a bed or something.
MIKE: Come on, old man.
[SNORING]
Harold.
[MOANING]
MRS. BALLARD: It's Frona.
Is it still raining?
[MOANING]
MAGNUM: He's drunk.
Never.
What's wrong?
He looks different.
When did you see him last?
May 10, 1925.
Well, people change, you know.
It's the shape of his head, the nose.
Something...
- [MOANS] - What are you doing?
- Harold had a scar on his chest. - Mrs. Ballard.
That's not Harold.
What have they done with my Harold?
[DOOR OPENS]
[FARBER SNORING]
Come on, let's get some exercise.
- Are you... - Come on!
Let's get some exercise.
Forward.
Back.
Hey, hey!
What do you two think you're doing?
We don't allow that kind of thing here.
[GROANS]
T.C.: Orville, Orville.
- Have you seen Thomas? - RICK: Hi, T.C.
No, I haven't seen him. Did you try the estate?
I did, but Higgins said he didn't come home last night.
So maybe he got lucky. You know him.
[CHUCKLING]
Or shot at.
He shouldn't mess around with married women.
Oh, man. He asked me to help him and I wouldn't.
He went off and did it himself.
Did what? Get fresh fruit, will you?
I think he went to the Farber building.
Harold Farber?
So that's who she's writing about.
Offered big bucks to pick him up, and I wouldn't do it.
Do what?
[FARBER MUMBLING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[ELEVATOR OPENS]
ARTHUR: Mike.
ARTHUR: Mike!
Come on.
[WHISPERING] That's Harold.
This guy is just a stand-in.
I told you, I... I told you, he wasn't the real Harold Farber.
He's a fake.
Is he dead?
Very.
- What are they up to? - Come on.
There's only one reason to freeze him,
that's to announce his death at a later date.
Wait a minute. The board of directors' meeting.
That's it.
He wants to vote Farber's proxy one more time.
That's right. Come on.
But why did they invite me here?
- I'll get in their way. - You're a very valuable witness.
Once they announce Farber's death,
you can tell everyone how much time you spent with him
the last week of his life.
You can also verify how sick he was.
Come on, let's go.
Oh.
Are... Are we going home?
MAGNUM: I hoped I was right about T.C. changing his mind.
We were heading for the roof,
and there weren't too many healthy ways of getting off it.
[MACHINE HUMMING]
RICK: T.C., we've been up here a long time, man.
Man, I just know that Thomas is still in that building.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
RICK: There he is! Look, I see him.
Hey! There's my Thomas.
T.C., get down here!
T.C.: Here we come, baby.
Sometimes I hate being right.
[GUN FIRING]
[GUN CLICKS]
Hold your fire.
[GUN CLICKING]
[GRUNTING]
[MIKE GRUNTS]
RICK: Thomas!
[BELCHES]
RICK: It's a good thing you came along.
All I needed was an extra 20 pounds.
But I would have knocked him out, anyway.
Right.
I wonder where they got that phony Farber, anyway.
How you guys feeling?
[EXCLAIMING]
I'm getting a little better,
but I'm just kind of sore all over.
Oh, you poor thing.
I'll give you an alcohol rubdown and a massage later.
Oh, that's great. My back is killing me.
Not you. She's talking about me, Rick.
You know, I'm starting to feel like
Harold Farber in that weird ice machine.
By the way, Virginia,
that's gonna be a great part in your book.
Would've been a great part.
I'm no longer writing that book.
MAGNUM: Why not?
I only do autobiographies.
And now that everyone knows Harold Farber is dead,
it's obvious he can't write his biography.
I've already started a new book
on Magnum.
[LAUGHING]
Now, who'd wanna buy
a book about a second-rate Sherlock Holmes like Thomas Magnum?
Virginia.
Yes, Thomas?
Did I ever tell you about the time...
Thomas!
...that Rick met this wonderful girl in Bangkok.
[VIRGINIA EXCLAIMS]