I'm a high-stakes poker player.
And tonight, I'm in a game with a collection of snakes.
You're about the fastest dealer I've ever seen.
Could we leave the door open? It's a little hot in here.
You'll have plenty of ventilation very soon.
Get in the boat!
We'll get them with the chopper in the morning.
Get us out of the mess you've landed us in.
I'm just the bodyguard in the tuxedo, remember?
- [GUN FIRING] - J.L!
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Your attention, please.
Trans World Airlines' Flight 193 for Orlando and Jacksonville
is now ready for boarding at Gate 3.
Flight 193 now boarding at Gate 3.
Thank you.
Halt! Police! Police!
Don't shoot.
[GUN FIRING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[PANTING]
All you folks, stand back. The man's a terrorist.
[GRUNTING]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTERING]
Is it there?
That's it.
Kill him.
[SIREN WAILING]
MAGNUM: Life in the Islands has an irresistible rhythm.
Days merging together like waves on the beach.
That's why I've never understood why people
get so excited over artificial events.
For instance, a birthday should be a private time,
with maybe a run on the beach to celebrate.
Not the big, embarrassing fuss
a person's friends always make over it.
I should know because it was my birthday.
And I knew Rick and T.C. would be planning something special.
What I didn't know was that the day would be the beginning
of one of the biggest disasters of my life.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi, guys.
Two cards.
Whoa, I said, two.
Trust me, keep that one.
- Hi. - Hi.
A royal flush?
What's going on?
How did you do that?
Isn't it a little early for card tricks?
It's like drinking beer in the morning.
All a matter of taste.
It's not morning. It's lunchtime, practically.
And besides, today is kind of special.
Hey, don't get distracted by this turkey.
He had the worst touch for cards in Nam.
On payday, people from three different countries lined up to get him.
Listen, just because I wasn't obsessed
with sitting in a hot, smoky room with 52 pieces of cardboard...
But you're a man of many other skills.
Including being a top-ranked private investigator,
who must look devilishly handsome in a tuxedo.
I'm Jeannie Lowry, but everybody calls me J.L.
Except some people call me Texas Lightning
because of the speed with which I deal.
Thomas, J.L. is a potential client.
I'm a high-stakes poker player.
And tonight, I'm in a game with a collection of snakes.
These men are so obsessed with winning that
"They'd kill you as soon as spit at you,"
as my late husband, Billy, used to say.
And the head rattler in tonight's game is Matt Thompson.
Thompson Electronics' Thompson?
Well, it sounds like what you want is a bodyguard.
I don't do that kind of work. Besides, tonight...
T.M., we're talking very big bucks here.
Well, see, I kind of have plans tonight
with the guys here, my friends.
Oh, don't look at me.
I've got a chopper full of schoolteachers
I gotta drop off at the Big Island later on.
Yeah, and I got a board of directors' meeting
here at the club tonight, Thomas.
Then let's get down to gold tacks, Thomas. Money.
Either I double your regular daily fee,
or 10 percent of what I earn.
And I've been known to win $250,000
in a white-hot evening at the table.
$250,000?
In a white-hot evening.
[COOING]
THOMPSON: Pull!
Paulo Polo has just been paid for his last film,
so he has $500,000 in his checking account.
Baron Von Klaus is flying in from Berlin for the game.
Our honored guest, of course.
Pull!
[GUN FIRING]
And one more player you may find very interesting.
She's a widow of an incredibly wealthy Texas oil man.
A what, a woman?
Her international reputation is that
she's as reckless as she is lucky.
But is she beautiful?
Enough to distract Mr. Polo.
[CHUCKLES]
Very well.
You're aware that the blood of the... those birds
is attracting a school of sharks.
Well, let's hope that none of our guests falls overboard.
Pull!
[GUN FIRING]
Damn waste of birds.
HIGGINS: It's the abominable waste I object to.
Waste?
How can you possibly call a chance to earn $25,000 in one night "waste"?
It's Higgins' law, if you will.
Opportunity plus Magnum equals financial disaster.
Inevitably, the disaster befalls an innocent bystander.
In this case, Mr. Masters.
Oh, come on, Higgins.
Robin has a whole closet full of tuxedos in all sizes.
One of them is bound to fit me.
That wardrobe is for guests of the estate.
Well, I'm a guest. Sort of.
The "sort of" is more descriptive of your status here.
Oh, come on, Higgins. Word of honor.
I promise it'll come back in perfect condition.
Have you ever considered the absolutely novel alternative of renting one?
Okay.
Okay, Higgins. I didn't want to bring this up.
I didn't want to embarrass you. But it just so happens,
it so happens that today is my birthday.
Now, I know that you probably didn't shop for a gift.
So as a favor, a favor on my birthday,
let me borrow one of the tuxedos.
Let me understand this.
Today being your birthday, in lieu of a present,
you want me to loan you one of the estate tuxedos.
Higgins, you got me a gift!
Good heavens, no.
Then I'll take the tuxedo.
Good.
I'll help you select it.
Higgins, you really did get me a gift, didn't you?
No, Mr. Masters did.
But since you want to borrow one of his tuxedos instead,
I will, of course, be returning the gift.
Returning what?
Higgins, what kind of a gift is it?
J.L.: Gentlemen, the game is five-card draw.
Jacks or better to open.
My late husband, Billy Lowry, always said,
two of the most exciting things in life were bringing in a gusher
and drawing to an inside straight.
To your good fortune, everybody.
POLO: I'll pass.
BARON: Pass.
I'll open, uh, for $1,000.
I call.
How can I resist being in such charming company?
Cards.
I'll have three cards, my dear.
Three.
And two.
I'll play these.
And the dealer will take one card.
You know, Mrs. Lowry,
you're about the fastest dealer I've ever seen.
Really?
The fastest and the luckiest.
J.L.: Well,
in that case, I'd be honored to have you deal me my card.
For luck.
Well, may I cut?
Thank you. Your bet, Mr. Thompson.
$50,000.
That's preposterous.
No, sugar, I think it's just called high-stakes poker.
Too rich for me.
You know, I feel so lucky, I won't even look at this last card.
I'll call.
- Three aces. - Very nice, but,
let's see what you dealt me.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I must have you deal for me more often, Mr. Thompson.
Well, I got to freshen my makeup.
So if you gentlemen will excuse me,
- Mr. Magnum here will play my hand. - What?
And I warn you, he's a much better player than I am.
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
Just keep raising them.
[SIGHING]
[SHUFFLING CARDS]
[YACHT MOTOR WHIRRING]
I want you to come up forward and give us a hand, okay?
Mr. Thompson said...
I know what your orders are.
Those sharks are staying with us.
And if those guys come out and see them, they'll be scared.
And you know how Thompson feels about taking care of the guests.
So let's go.
THOMPSON: It's up to you, Chan.
Another $5,000.
Your $5,000
and I'll raise you $5,000.
I've been admiring your most unusual ring all evening, Mr. Magnum.
May I ask its origin?
Oh, it's a souvenir of a visit to your part of the world, sir.
I thought as much.
Another $10,000.
And I'll raise you $20,000.
Have you ever been to Vietnam?
Several times. An exquisite country,
despite its recent transgressions.
Well, I seem to have returned just at the most exciting moment.
Whose raise is it?
Mine.
But I'm afraid your friend has outplayed me.
Congratulations, Mr. Magnum.
Thank you.
The way you play, Thomas, darling.
I think you should hold the cards, and I'll just bring you luck.
Another drink to celebrate.
Well, uh, since Mrs. Lowry seems to be enjoying such remarkable good fortune,
I'd like to propose that we try to change all that.
Let's double the ante with every hand.
Agreed.
J.L.: Mr. Thompson, I do love the way you deal.
Gentlemen, a rare pleasure.
More than a pleasure, cara mia.
$300,000 is ecstasy.
Yes. Uh, Mrs. Lowry, if you and your friend will accompany me to my cabin,
I have to get the money from my safe to cash in your chips.
Oh, the game's the excitement. Counting money is such a bore.
Just have your accountant send me a check.
Well, perhaps it would be more convenient for him to pay now.
I always settle my debts on the spot, Mrs. Lowry.
Good policy.
Uh,
could we leave the door open? It's a little hot in here.
You'll have plenty of ventilation very soon.
J.L.: Why, Mr. Thompson,
even in Texas, big losers don't resort to firepower.
You were in here and you opened my safe.
I want what you stole.
Now you can give it to me, or I'll take it from you.
If you don't believe me, for openers, I will eliminate your partner here.
What's going on here?
I was lookin' for cash, but I didn't find any.
The story about being a wealthy widow was a lie.
My husband didn't leave me a cent.
J.L., he doesn't want your family history.
Would you please give him what you took.
I'm broke, except for the money I put in the pot tonight.
I thought I'd find a bankroll in your cabin.
J.L., would you please give it to him?
See? Nothing! Nothing!
Not even car fare home if you shoot him.
- J.L.? - [GUN COCKING]
I think he means it.
Then search me.
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
Hold it! Believe me, I'll kill you.
Into the closet. Magnum, get ready to run.
No, wait. We can make a deal. I'll pay you twice...
Don't tempt me to do what I'm aching to do already.
Lock 'em in, Magnum.
J.L., the money. We won it fair and square.
Shouldn't we get the money?
J.L., it's my money, too, you know.
J.L.: Shh.
No, it's all right. We're taking ourselves ashore.
Mr. Thompson said no one's to leave...
Consider that order changed.
[BELL RINGING]
MAGNUM: Get in the boat!
Start the engine.
Give me the gun!
[GUN FIRING]
J.L.: Get in the boat!
- Let's lower the other launch. - No, no.
They're 50 miles from shore. That launch hasn't been refueled.
We'll get them with the chopper in the morning.
What I want to know is how in blazes did they do it?
They had help.
It wasn't me.
I didn't do anything.
Kill him.
JOHN: No!
[T.C. LAUGHING]
Wipe those appalling smiles off your faces.
Magnum and Mr. Masters' tuxedo
have not as yet returned.
Higgins, don't you know that a high-stake poker game can go all night?
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, that Texas gal is racking up a big score.
And Magnum's in for 10 percent.
I wish your childlike enthusiasm were merited,
but my prediction is that they lost everything.
And Magnum, after seeking solace in a bottle,
is too intoxicated to show his face.
Mmm-mmm.
My gambler's instinct says that J.L. is a big winner.
And my instinct is never wrong.
T.C.: The boy is right.
Wherever those two are, they're loaded with dough.
And one thing is for sure.
They're having one terrific time.
[TRANSMITTER HISSING]
MAGNUM: J.L., will you stop fooling with the emergency transmitter?
Just checking.
I want us to be prepared if the Coast Guard flies over.
Do you want some water? You look awfully...
You're right. I am steaming.
Boiling, in fact.
But it's not because of the sun.
Shoot, it looks like it's gonna rain.
It's over being played as a sucker.
All dressed up in a tuxedo,
and... and instead of getting a rose in my lapel, I get a .38 stuck in my ribs!
Well, why do you think I hired you?
I warned you in the beginning Thompson was a killer snake.
"A killer snake"?
I'd be a little upset, too, if somebody went through my safe.
I explained that. I'm desperate for money.
Desperate? So desperate that when we strolled out of there,
you didn't want to take the $300,000 that we won?
I may be crazy from the heat, but I'm not balmy enough to buy that.
Well, maybe I'm just a dizzy female
who got her priorities mixed up in the panic.
Oh, I doubt that.
Here, get busy.
Because until you level with me,
I am just going to sit here and recover from heat exhaustion.
But Thompson's got to be searching for us.
If you don't paddle, we're not going to reach that island.
You can't intimidate me.
You can't bully me into submission.
MAGNUM: I don't have to.
I'm sure Thompson would be delighted to do that.
Besides, in a pinch, I can always swim to that island.
Okay. Okay.
Score this round for intimidation.
I didn't go after the money because I happen to be on assignment
as a government agent.
[MAGNUM SNICKERING]
PILOT: K-Bay, this is Coast Guard Hilo, Number 1420.
We got nothing down here but empty water.
Request proceed to next search area. Over.
WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Affirmative, Number 1420.
Proceed to Sector 12. Over.
Okay, let's take a heading of 15 degrees.
Right.
Maybe we'll find something.
Wait a minute. What's that over there?
K-Bay, got something at 11 o'clock.
I'm heading down for a look. Over.
WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Roger. Standing by.
RICK: Doesn't mean a thing except that,
well, now Thomas is probably having such a good time,
he probably forgot to come home, right?
Right.
[RICK CHUCKLING]
He's probably someplace right now, blind drunk, celebrating, right?
Right.
Gentlemen, that was the Coast Guard calling.
Mr. Thompson, on whose yacht the game took place,
has reported that Magnum and Mrs. Lowry, against his advice,
insisted on returning to shore alone in a small motor launch.
It seems they were quite intoxicated.
Yeah, but even so, Magnum's one heck of a sailor.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Just like I said. He was drunk, but he's on his way home.
Mr. Thompson didn't notify the Coast Guard.
It was the other way around.
Debris from the motor launch has been sighted
seven miles off the North Shore.
It seems the boat exploded and sank with no survivors.
ERIC: I've got to get back and refuel.
Can't we stretch it a little longer?
Only if you don't mind having to swim back to Honolulu.
We'll get back out as soon as I refuel.
What if the Coast Guard keeps on searchin'?
Let 'em. I planted that wreckage 100 miles out in the wrong direction.
Don't worry, Mr. Thompson. You pay me to do this.
Find 'em now or in a couple of hours,
really isn't gonna make any difference.
A ship or a plane
could appear at any moment.
And I want to get this transmitter as high as possible.
Magnum, I'm aware.
I am fully and painfully
aware of our dilemma.
All I'm suggesting is just a moment's moderation
in our sprint up this hill.
[PANTING]
In fact, as the person in charge of this operation,
I should be setting up the transmitter myself.
In charge? In charge of what?
I happen to be a trained agent,
skilled in all manner of survival.
Now I didn't want to have to say this to you, Mag, but since you've forced me.
It is my duty to get us out of the mess you've landed us in.
I got us in? I got us...
I'm just the bodyguard in the tuxedo, remember?
You're the one who blew your mission on the boat and turned Thompson on us.
Who steered us out of any sea lane onto this Godforsaken island?
Who stranded us?
We'll talk about that at the top, if you can make it.
Oh, well,
anytime you want to switch outfits,
I'd love to race you,
and give you an hour's head start!
Enough!
I've had it.
I've had it with your complaints and your orders,
and your commands, especially from someone who can't keep up.
I can kill men with these hands.
Why bother, when you can destroy them with that mouth?
Stop!
[GROANING]
Now hold still.
This dress cost the agency $5,000,
and I'm responsible...
Terrific.
When we get back, if we get back,
you can tell the agency that you now have a $5,000 miniskirt.
Whoever your agency or section or bureau may be.
I already told you,
four times by my count,
you've got no clearance for that information, no need to know.
Surely they must have taught you that in Naval Intelligence.
"No need to know," huh? "No need to know"?
Well, I'll tell you something else I have no need for.
Carrying this transmitter.
Now, you pick it up for a while, commander.
[WAVES CRASHING]
Oh!
You know what you are, Thomas Magnum?
HIGGINS: "To the best friend a guy could have" was,
I believe, the last toast to the deceased.
However, I don't believe it for an instant.
Hey, Higgins,
you can't insult my buddy with him not being here.
Please do not splash cheap rye whiskey on Mr. Masters' sofa.
He was a hell of a guy.
A hell of a guy.
Maybe not much of a sailor but...
I've contemplated Magnum's death.
Theoretically, of course,
given the almost inevitable consequences of his sordid occupation.
And I know, however desolated I would be,
I would also experience a certain...
a certain catharsis that is singularly missing.
Uh, run that by me again, Higgie baby,
only this time in English.
I don't believe Magnum's dead.
You mean, our buddy's alive?
Our buddy is alive?
Yes.
And I propose we organize a search.
Not unlike The Battle of El Alamein,
victory will turn on strong leadership and supreme organization.
Modestly, albeit reluctantly,
I, of course, will assume the mantle of command.
Hear, hear.
Wait a minute. Just a minute.
Who appointed you commander-in-chief?
There being no further objection,
the motion is carried unanimously.
[WAVES CRASHING]
I have built the signal fire,
I've carried everything up from the boat,
and that's enough wood to last us for days. Now...
Now may I have some dinner, please?
You had your choice, an equal division of labor.
You could have caught the fish and cooked it,
a trained survivor like you.
I meant a city survivor. Just ask me to...
to find a cab on Fifth Avenue at rush hour,
or infiltrate the best resort hotel on three continents
in four languages, and I'm dynamite.
I just never planned on being stranded without room service.
If that's an apology, then I accept.
An apology?
It's... it's maybe a peace overture.
Is that almost done?
Well, then I accept, and it is, but...
[SCREAMS]
Mmm.
Be careful, it's hot.
Just hold still for a minute, will you?
- Don't... - I told you it was hot.
Give me your hand.
This may sting a little bit.
Don't worry, I'm tough.
Ouch!
Tell me something.
Why'd you hire me?
Why didn't the agency send in a number two?
And don't tell me, "It's because they didn't have anybody
who looked good in a tux."
Eight days ago,
my partner was killed at International Airport in Miami.
His throat was cut.
We figured he'd gotten the microfilm,
but they murdered him before he could make contact with the agency.
What I don't get
is if Uncle Sam knows what Thompson's doing,
why don't you just...
- Close him down? - Yeah.
When you're dealing with the man who owns, owns mind you,
the fifth-largest defense supplier
in the country, you need proof.
That's the microfilm.
Who's the buyer?
The Oriental in the card game.
He's a Chinese general.
Done.
Thompson, uh, auctioned the microfilm to him for $10 million.
Plans for a, critical part of our STEALTH technology.
I guess, uh, gambling losses add up,
even when you're the fifth-largest, uh...
Um...
- [SIGHS] - Thank you.
So Thompson's deal with the Chinese is exclusivity.
And until they got the microfilm back,
or kill us...
Where is that microfilm, by the way?
Mmm,
Thomas, you're a wonderful cook.
And actually you're...
you're a wonderful hero.
When the bullets were flying on the yacht,
I felt the kind of rush of blood pumping
I've only had,
well,
when the cards are
just,
just...
Are you still mad about your 10 percent of the $300,000?
Where's the microfilm?
On the boat.
I hid it there when I realized Thompson suspected me.
Are you satisfied?
[SIGHING]
Uh-huh.
[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]
It's a chopper. I think it's the Coast Guard.
I'll light the signal.
No, t-they won't see it from that direction.
The transmitter will bring it in.
Wait. No!
They're heading the other way!
Is it broken?
It isn't set to the international rescue frequency.
Set it to 121.5 MHz.
The tuner's jammed. I can't change the frequency.
It doesn't make sense.
God only knows what Thompson's got that...
You don't suppose he's got it set to a frequency on the yacht?
If it is, it means we've been signaling him all this time.
HIGGINS: The Hawaiian Islands are actually hundreds of islands.
Some of them are so small that they're covered by the ocean at high tide.
Higgins, Higgins, enough of the tour-guide chatter, man.
Just look.
I don't know why we are looking here anyway.
The Coast Guard said they found the wreckage off the North Shore of Oahu.
Yeah, but according to my map,
that's exactly where it shouldn't be.
We're proceeding on the assumption that this rotter Thompson
gave the Coast Guard totally false information.
In which case, according to winds, currents, and tides,
Magnum should be somewhere out here.
Of course, Thompson could be such a blackguard
that he told the truth assuming we'd think he was lying.
I remember a case in North Africa
when we took an SS officer prisoner just after Tobruk.
Well, you can imagine our fierce determination to discover Rommel's plans.
They worked on him for a week. Nothing.
Then they brought me in to...
[INAUDIBLE]
[HELICOPTER ENGINE WHIRRING]
I'm sorry, Thomas.
No. You were only doing your job.
I'm sometimes melancholy about this work.
This life.
When I started out, things were all in crisp black and white.
And now...
I'm sorry.
Would you believe me if I told you...
[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]
It's coming back. The signal fire.
J.L.: Magnum.
When it blazes, throw some weeds on it for smoke.
Stop right now.
Please.
Don't make me.
What, are you crazy?
You lied. You lied to me.
I said I was an agent.
I just didn't say what country.
Russian?
Don't light that fire.
You reset the transmitter.
You broke the knob.
It's set for one of our subs. It's on its way.
Thomas, you can hide.
When they pick me up, I'll tell them you were killed.
And then, when I'm safe, I'll call the Coast Guard. Don't...
Don't look at me that way.
I don't believe you.
It's true.
I wish...
I wish it were different.
No.
I don't believe you'll shoot.
What do you make of that?
I don't see nothing.
Precisely why I had the foresight to bring the binoculars.
Hey, I see smoke. T.C., that's a signal fire.
Come on.
Come on, T.C.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
It's mutual, buddy.
Oh, my God, the bloody tuxedo.
Magnum, get your head down or you're going to get it blown off.
[GUN FIRING]
[SCREAMS]
T.C.: Come on, baby, you can do it.
Now this dress is really ruined.
MAGNUM: Don't worry, J.L. It's not bad.
You're going to be all right.
If you can get us out of here.
I'm trying, baby! I'm trying.
RICK: Come on, T.C., what are you holding back for?
T.C.: I ain't holding back.
We got five people holding us back.
You want to outrun this cat, someone's gotta get out and walk.
[GUNS FIRING]
Can you get above 'em?
You got it, baby.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[EXPLOSION]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
The hospital will be discharging her in the morning.
HIGGINS: What are you going to do?
I don't know.
She is a Russian spy.
I know.
But Thompson's dead.
The security leak's closed.
She's still a Russian spy.
She could have killed me out there,
got away on a sub, but she didn't.
BOTH: She's still a Russian spy.
Higgins, I know.
But what's the harm in letting her go?
She doesn't have the microfilm.
Magnum,
stealing STEALTH secrets
is hardly the same thing as pinching lipstick from the local five-and-dime.
[J.L. SIGHING]
J.L.: I was born in Russia,
in what was left of Stalingrad, right after the war.
Part of what I told you about Texas Lightning was true.
My father was sent to Houston on a diplomatic mission when I was five.
I remember, because I'd never had ice cream before.
I lived there until I went back to Moscow to college.
I met Billy Lowry
at a diplomatic reception in Houston when I was visiting old friends.
Were you already an agent?
When I married him? Yes.
But it never mattered until...
The latest in spring accessories.
I hope you like it.
You look terrific.
I wanted to look my best for whoever's waiting.
Who is waiting, Thomas?
Naval Intelligence? The FBI? The CIA?
The agency?
Or do I need to know?
Nobody.
[SIGHING]
I'm giving you a head start.
This isn't the way it's supposed to end.
I could finish this and meet you
in Europe next year, in Switzerland.
Or we could just run, now, together.
There's just one thing.
The microfilm. You've got to give it to me.
I don't know where it is.
Don't forget this.
You better get going,
or you won't be able to make your plane.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Mr. Magnum, I'm so glad I caught you.
I have something for you.
Mrs. Lowry asked me to give it to you.
When?
NURSE: This morning.
I walked into her room and she had it all apart, in pieces, on her bed.
She asked me to give it to you
only if you didn't leave with her.
Do you understand?
MAGNUM: J.L. knew I'd found the microfilm.
But she was waiting for me to tell her.
And me?
I was waiting for her to tell me she had it.
Both of us wanting to believe in the other,
but both demanding proof.
And that, as they say, is the hell of it.