1 00:00:01,270 --> 00:00:03,431 Do you enjoy ransacking the church? 2 00:00:03,472 --> 00:00:07,238 I don't caII searching for IRA weapons ransacking. 3 00:00:08,777 --> 00:00:11,439 What's wrong? You Iook Iike you've seen a wraith. 4 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,607 You just kind of Iook Iike someone I know. 5 00:00:13,649 --> 00:00:16,015 May the saints preserve him. 6 00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:19,511 He's my haIf-brother. 7 00:00:19,554 --> 00:00:21,351 What are you up to, Father? 8 00:00:21,390 --> 00:00:23,950 You stoIe the ashes of the Crozier of St Patrick 9 00:00:23,992 --> 00:00:26,187 from me poor church and I want 'em back. 10 00:00:26,228 --> 00:00:30,631 To think I hoId the very crown Henry VIII pIaced on Anne BoIeyn's head. 11 00:00:30,666 --> 00:00:32,861 And whiIe she stiII had it, I hope. 12 00:00:38,006 --> 00:00:41,203 I'm not an investigator who takes pictures through keyhoIes. 13 00:00:41,243 --> 00:00:44,838 I toId your manager when he hired me. I don't even peek through them. 14 00:00:45,847 --> 00:00:47,337 Get cIoser. 15 00:00:47,382 --> 00:00:50,010 Hey, man, this is a heIicopter. It makes noise. 16 00:00:50,052 --> 00:00:53,613 Your wife is having an affair. 17 00:00:55,057 --> 00:00:59,960 Isn't this exciting? Just Iike an Agatha Christie noveI. 18 00:03:02,017 --> 00:03:05,851 (Woman) The Crozier of St Patrick is typicaI of the smaII CathoIic churches 19 00:03:05,887 --> 00:03:08,355 found throughout Northern IreIand. 20 00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:14,420 That particuIar edifice was founded by a young Irish monk in the mid 1500s. 21 00:03:14,463 --> 00:03:16,761 (Man) 1538. 22 00:03:16,798 --> 00:03:21,497 The priest supposedIy coIIected the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier, 23 00:03:21,536 --> 00:03:24,528 or shepherd's crook, when it was burned in DubIin. 24 00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:27,041 (Man) There's no supposing about it. 25 00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:33,446 This particuIar incident occurred when a few overzeaIous AngIo-Irish 26 00:03:33,482 --> 00:03:40,479 exceeded the intent of Henry VIII's edict to unify and angIicize the Irish Church. 27 00:03:40,522 --> 00:03:42,752 (Man) What the Iass is trying to say... 28 00:03:44,025 --> 00:03:46,186 is that Iike most EngIishmen... 29 00:03:47,195 --> 00:03:50,528 fat Henry thought he was above God. 30 00:03:50,565 --> 00:03:52,999 Not God, the Pope. 31 00:03:53,034 --> 00:03:56,265 - You wouIdn't be AngIican now, wouId you? - (Camera cIicking) 32 00:03:56,304 --> 00:04:00,138 In any case, I won't argue the point in front of these good tourists, 33 00:04:00,175 --> 00:04:05,112 who I'm sure are dying to drop an American doIIar or two in the poor box 34 00:04:05,147 --> 00:04:09,049 for the priviIege of gIimpsing the ashes of the Crozier of St Patrick. 35 00:04:09,084 --> 00:04:13,487 AII fees for the sights we visit are incIuded in the tour. 36 00:04:13,522 --> 00:04:15,114 Aye, she's AngIican. 37 00:04:15,157 --> 00:04:17,455 (GiggIing) 38 00:04:17,492 --> 00:04:23,158 This is just one of four churches cIaiming to have the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier. 39 00:04:23,198 --> 00:04:26,895 It was a big staff. Had to be to get rid of aII those snakes. 40 00:04:27,636 --> 00:04:33,734 You'II find this part of the British IsIes fuII of Iegends and taIes, 41 00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:38,144 most of which, I'm afraid, are pure bIarney. 42 00:04:38,180 --> 00:04:41,172 I'II wager she doesn't beIieve in Ieprechauns either. 43 00:05:06,141 --> 00:05:08,609 (Man) That's bIoody disgusting, Paddy. 44 00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:10,634 Not if you're poor, it's not. 45 00:05:11,813 --> 00:05:14,111 Why don't you have a new one? 46 00:05:14,149 --> 00:05:16,140 No thanks, Brigadier. 47 00:05:18,053 --> 00:05:21,181 - You're smoking butt ends? - Dropped by a Yank. 48 00:05:21,223 --> 00:05:23,214 Not a Brit. 49 00:05:24,426 --> 00:05:26,894 Did you enjoy ransacking me church? 50 00:05:27,562 --> 00:05:32,192 I don't caII searching for IRA weapons ransacking, Father. 51 00:05:32,234 --> 00:05:35,135 (ChuckIes) And did you find any? 52 00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:36,831 Not this time. 53 00:05:36,871 --> 00:05:41,365 But when I do, neither the cIoth nor the coIIar wiII protect you. 54 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:45,709 Being a priest hasn't protected an Irishman since fat Henry. 55 00:05:47,449 --> 00:05:51,283 Yes, that's as maybe. Good day to you, Father McGuinness. 56 00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:53,150 Brigadier. 57 00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:00,752 (Speaks Irish GaeIic) 58 00:06:08,236 --> 00:06:10,295 Aah. 59 00:06:10,338 --> 00:06:11,828 (Woman) Father McGuinness! 60 00:06:12,907 --> 00:06:14,397 What are you up to? 61 00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:17,434 I was just taking a drop of medicine for me coId. 62 00:06:17,479 --> 00:06:21,210 I'm not taIking about your bIoody Irish whiskey. 63 00:06:21,249 --> 00:06:25,083 I'm taIking about the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier. 64 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,453 They're gone. I don't know what you're trying to puII. 65 00:06:28,490 --> 00:06:33,189 If this is some sort of Irish trick to get more money from us, it won't work. 66 00:06:33,228 --> 00:06:37,927 As far as I'm concerned, this abrogates our contract with your church. 67 00:06:38,867 --> 00:06:43,270 The tourist business isn't exactIy booming in Northern IreIand, you know. 68 00:06:47,976 --> 00:06:51,673 (Woman) Even though Hawaii is visited by four million tourists a year, 69 00:06:51,713 --> 00:06:54,181 the islanders have a way of making each one feel 70 00:06:54,215 --> 00:06:57,548 as if he or she is the first to discover their island paradise. 71 00:06:57,585 --> 00:07:00,179 That's what they call the aloha spirit. 72 00:07:04,726 --> 00:07:08,389 (Woman on P.A.) Tri lsland Airways flight 1 0 now arriving at gate 1 7. 73 00:07:08,430 --> 00:07:12,389 Tri lsland Airways flight 1 0 now arriving at gate 1 7. 74 00:07:22,077 --> 00:07:25,103 (Magnum) First thing a good private investigator learns 75 00:07:25,146 --> 00:07:27,740 when tailing a suspect is to blend with the crowd, 76 00:07:27,782 --> 00:07:31,718 especially if that suspect is a suspicious woman. 77 00:07:32,454 --> 00:07:37,016 lt isn't as easy as it looks. One has to be constantly on guard for the unexpected. 78 00:07:37,058 --> 00:07:40,687 (Woman speaking Japanese) 79 00:07:42,130 --> 00:07:44,064 (Speaks Japanese) 80 00:07:44,099 --> 00:07:46,659 (Woman continues speaking Japanese) 81 00:07:49,604 --> 00:07:50,593 (Speaks Japanese) 82 00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:53,232 Second thing a good private investigator learns 83 00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:56,004 is to act perfectly natural if spotted. 84 00:07:56,044 --> 00:08:00,378 l had to give Legs - that's what l code-named my client's wife - 85 00:08:00,415 --> 00:08:04,818 the impression that l just happened to be heading for the same bar she was. 86 00:08:04,853 --> 00:08:06,650 This works on everyone, 87 00:08:06,688 --> 00:08:09,384 except paranoids like Legs. 88 00:08:09,424 --> 00:08:14,487 Which means, to walk into that bar, l had to get very creative. 89 00:08:27,776 --> 00:08:29,607 AIoha. 90 00:08:31,846 --> 00:08:33,507 May I join you? 91 00:08:33,548 --> 00:08:37,040 WeII, that depends, now. Are you buying? 92 00:08:37,085 --> 00:08:40,111 Bartender, another drink for my friend here 93 00:08:40,155 --> 00:08:42,749 and I'II have a Virgin Mary. 94 00:08:42,791 --> 00:08:44,986 WeII, now, are you a reIigious man? 95 00:08:45,794 --> 00:08:47,455 Not exactIy. 96 00:08:47,495 --> 00:08:49,656 Oh, Virgin Mary! 97 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,790 That's a drink without Iiquor in it. 98 00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:54,625 BIasphemy. 99 00:09:00,642 --> 00:09:02,803 Can't afford the fiIthy habit. 100 00:09:02,844 --> 00:09:04,675 Not on a priest's pittance. 101 00:09:06,414 --> 00:09:12,478 Oh! I'm sorry, Father. It's so dark in here that I didn't notice. 102 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,250 My name's Magnum. Thomas Magnum. 103 00:09:15,290 --> 00:09:17,884 Father Paddy McGuinness, County Armagh. 104 00:09:17,926 --> 00:09:20,087 - IreIand? - Northern IreIand. 105 00:09:22,430 --> 00:09:25,866 - (Speaks Irish GaeIic) - (Repeats) 106 00:09:27,469 --> 00:09:30,836 - Did I say that right? - You said it just fine. 107 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,632 Bingo. 108 00:09:39,581 --> 00:09:42,607 It's him. It's the same Suntan that she met in the movies. 109 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,675 Oh, no. 110 00:09:44,719 --> 00:09:50,214 - That's sad. Your wife, is it? - Oh, I'm not married. 111 00:09:50,258 --> 00:09:52,556 You're not Iiving in sin, are you? 112 00:09:52,594 --> 00:09:54,755 I don't beIieve in it, Father. 113 00:09:54,796 --> 00:09:58,892 Why are you hiding behind me and spying on that Iass? 114 00:10:01,169 --> 00:10:06,334 NormaIIy I couIdn't say but you being a priest and aII, I guess it's OK. 115 00:10:07,175 --> 00:10:11,578 I'm a private investigator and her husband hired me to foIIow her. 116 00:10:12,413 --> 00:10:18,079 A big, strapping Iad Iike you spending your time spying on unfaithfuI wives? 117 00:10:18,119 --> 00:10:21,247 - That's not aII I do. - It is a sad thing. 118 00:10:21,289 --> 00:10:22,847 Father, you don't understand. 119 00:10:22,891 --> 00:10:25,655 ProbabIy the onIy good to come of it 120 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:30,062 is this gIass of Irish whiskey you so generousIy purchased for me. 121 00:10:31,533 --> 00:10:33,467 Bartender. 122 00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:39,167 On the other hand I suppose a man is entitIed to earn a Iiving as best he can 123 00:10:39,207 --> 00:10:42,506 and committing aduItery is breaking the eighth commandment. 124 00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:48,213 Eighth commandment? I thought that was ''Thou shaIt not steaI''. 125 00:10:48,249 --> 00:10:52,515 Is it, now? I aIways get those two confused. 126 00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:54,613 (Speaks Irish GaeIic) 127 00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:57,389 (AirpIane overhead) 128 00:10:58,393 --> 00:11:00,691 What if they're getting on a pIane? 129 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:05,427 WeII, she didn't have any Iuggage. He did, so I figure he just fIew in. 130 00:11:07,769 --> 00:11:10,567 What's wrong? You Iook Iike you've seen a wraith. 131 00:11:11,272 --> 00:11:14,241 Oh, uh...it's nothing. (Laughs) 132 00:11:14,275 --> 00:11:16,573 You just kind of Iook Iike someone I know. 133 00:11:17,211 --> 00:11:19,270 May the saints preserve him. 134 00:11:22,317 --> 00:11:27,220 - Here they come. Sure you don't mind? - It'II add a IittIe excitement to me duII Iife. 135 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,592 I want a good one for your Aunt Katie. 136 00:11:32,627 --> 00:11:37,030 She's aIways compIaining there'II be nothing for me tombstone. 137 00:11:37,065 --> 00:11:43,095 (Woman on P.A.) lnter-island Airways Flight 844 is now arriving at Gate 1 8. 138 00:11:44,539 --> 00:11:49,238 Terrific, UncIe Paddy. Come on. We got to hurry or you'II miss your pIane. 139 00:11:50,678 --> 00:11:52,407 Nothing for your tombstone? 140 00:11:52,447 --> 00:11:55,143 I couIdn't think of anything eIse to say. 141 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,385 AIthough this chart onIy goes back to WiIIiam and Mary, 142 00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:04,948 we can trace our roots to Henry VIII. 143 00:12:04,993 --> 00:12:08,759 My Great Aunt MatiIda, who was Iady-in-waiting to Queen Victoria 144 00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,321 cIaimed we went back to Richard I, 145 00:12:11,366 --> 00:12:15,029 or Richard the Lionheart as you Iads probabIy know him. 146 00:12:15,970 --> 00:12:20,669 UnfortunateIy, she never actuaIIy authenticated the Iine with papers. 147 00:12:20,708 --> 00:12:25,042 I suppose if one goes back far enough, anyone can Iay cIaim to some peerage. 148 00:12:25,079 --> 00:12:27,240 (Magnum) Higgins! 149 00:12:27,281 --> 00:12:28,942 WeII, aImost anyone. 150 00:12:30,652 --> 00:12:33,485 You are not gonna beIieve this. 151 00:12:33,521 --> 00:12:36,115 I met this priest in a bar whiIe I was taiIing Legs. 152 00:12:36,157 --> 00:12:38,625 - I aIready find it preposterous. - Guess what? 153 00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:41,686 - I'd reaIIy rather not. - What is that? 154 00:12:41,729 --> 00:12:43,890 I shouId think it's rather obvious. 155 00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,729 Are you tracing the Iads' pedigree? 156 00:12:46,768 --> 00:12:49,862 It's the geneaIogicaI history of the Higgins famiIy. 157 00:12:49,904 --> 00:12:53,465 - Oh, No offence, Iads. - Magnum, what do you want? 158 00:12:53,508 --> 00:12:56,375 - Like I said... - You were taiIing someone caIIed Legs 159 00:12:56,411 --> 00:12:58,038 and you met this priest. 160 00:12:58,079 --> 00:13:01,810 Not just a priest, Higgins, an Irish priest. And guess what? 161 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,840 I said I'd reaIIy rather not. 162 00:13:04,552 --> 00:13:06,486 He Iooked Iike you. 163 00:13:06,521 --> 00:13:10,617 How deIightfuI. An Irish priest is in the isIands who... 164 00:13:15,329 --> 00:13:16,660 Iooks Iike me. 165 00:13:16,698 --> 00:13:18,393 (Laughs) Ha! 166 00:13:18,433 --> 00:13:23,496 I knew it wouId get to you. How many peopIe in the worId Iook Iike...you? 167 00:13:23,538 --> 00:13:26,302 - Of course he wasn't exactIy Iike you. - He wasn't? 168 00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,331 He had curIy hair and a beard. 169 00:13:30,078 --> 00:13:32,774 Higgins! Don't take it so hard. 170 00:13:32,814 --> 00:13:35,578 I mean, we aII have peopIe who Iook Iike us. 171 00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:39,279 I've heard that in the worId there's an exact doubIe for each of us. 172 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,981 What is this priest's name? 173 00:13:41,022 --> 00:13:43,490 Father Paddy...Paddy... 174 00:13:43,524 --> 00:13:45,424 McGuinness. 175 00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:48,054 That's it! How did you know? 176 00:13:49,063 --> 00:13:52,191 He's my haIf-brother. 177 00:13:52,233 --> 00:13:54,758 (Dog whines) 178 00:13:56,738 --> 00:14:02,802 Higgins, if Father Paddy is your haIf-brother, why isn't his name on here? 179 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:07,811 Because he's...iIIegitimate. 180 00:14:08,516 --> 00:14:12,008 - You mean Iike your brother EImo? - No, not Iike EImo. 181 00:14:12,053 --> 00:14:15,580 I mean, yes, Iike EImo but the circumstances were different, 182 00:14:15,623 --> 00:14:18,091 I assure you. 183 00:14:18,126 --> 00:14:22,119 As I recaII, it was during WorId War I. 184 00:14:22,163 --> 00:14:26,361 Your father was puIIed from the trenches desperateIy iII with infIuenza. 185 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,699 He was taken to a fieId hospitaI where EImo's mother, 186 00:14:29,737 --> 00:14:31,295 a Red Cross nurse from Texas... 187 00:14:31,339 --> 00:14:34,775 Magnum, some things are better Ieft unsaid. 188 00:14:34,809 --> 00:14:36,470 Of course. 189 00:14:37,278 --> 00:14:39,872 It was just after the Great War. 190 00:14:39,914 --> 00:14:42,815 Father, a major in the Prince of WaIes' Own Light Horse, 191 00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:45,444 was dispatched to IreIand to queII the rebeIIion. 192 00:14:45,486 --> 00:14:49,946 Not the kind of officer to keep to tabIe and hearth, even in a bitter Irish winter, 193 00:14:49,991 --> 00:14:53,188 Father was Ieading a patroI deIivering miIk to an orphanage. 194 00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:56,355 He was ambushed by the IRA. DesperateIy wounded, 195 00:14:56,397 --> 00:14:59,889 he managed to hoId the rebeIs off untiI his men couId safeIy escape, 196 00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:03,597 then he crawIed into a bog and hid in a snowbank. 197 00:15:03,638 --> 00:15:07,472 EarIy the next morning, a young widow woman, foraging for fueI, 198 00:15:07,508 --> 00:15:10,272 found him and took him to her cottage. 199 00:15:10,311 --> 00:15:13,337 Those were hard times in IreIand and peat was scarce, 200 00:15:13,381 --> 00:15:15,679 especiaIIy to a woman with no husband. 201 00:15:15,716 --> 00:15:18,241 Father was near frozen to death. 202 00:15:18,286 --> 00:15:21,778 So she...did the onIy thing she couId to get him warm. 203 00:15:21,823 --> 00:15:23,552 Of course. 204 00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:27,049 Being deIirious, naturaIIy Father had no idea what she was doing. 205 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,721 He toId my mother the onIy thing 206 00:15:28,763 --> 00:15:32,790 that kept him going through that terribIe ordeaI was the thought of her. 207 00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:34,665 - Of your mother? - Yes! 208 00:15:37,672 --> 00:15:43,838 After he'd thawed out sufficientIy, he found his way back to his regiment 209 00:15:43,878 --> 00:15:45,675 and nine months Iater... 210 00:15:45,713 --> 00:15:48,876 Father Paddy was born! (Laughs) 211 00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,214 WeII, he wasn't Father Paddy then. 212 00:15:51,252 --> 00:15:53,550 No, of course not, Higgins. Look. 213 00:15:53,588 --> 00:15:56,056 I don't want to cast aspersions on your father 214 00:15:56,090 --> 00:16:01,619 but considering how EImo and Father Paddy were, uh, sired, 215 00:16:01,662 --> 00:16:05,154 I mean, did it ever occur to you that your father may be... 216 00:16:05,199 --> 00:16:06,860 No. 217 00:16:06,901 --> 00:16:08,994 I didn't think so. 218 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:14,733 - What's he doing here? - He didn't say, Higgins. 219 00:16:14,775 --> 00:16:18,302 I assumed he was on vacation. I dropped him off at the Low Surf hoteI. 220 00:16:18,346 --> 00:16:19,836 - How fitting. - Come on. 221 00:16:19,881 --> 00:16:22,714 Everyone can't afford a beach front on Waikiki. 222 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:25,878 - Of course, now he'II be staying here. - Here? Here? 223 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,412 Magnum, have you gone mad? The opening of the Queen Mother's wing 224 00:16:29,457 --> 00:16:31,755 of the Hawaiian British Museum is this week. 225 00:16:31,792 --> 00:16:36,195 As president of the AngIo Society, I'm in charge of the festivities. 226 00:16:36,230 --> 00:16:40,860 There wiII be a formaI baII, famous personages wiII be staying on the estate. 227 00:16:40,902 --> 00:16:43,370 I'm even making a phone caII to the Queen Mother 228 00:16:43,404 --> 00:16:45,235 to thank her for her contributions. 229 00:16:45,273 --> 00:16:50,506 And you expect me to pIay host to a sIovenIy, aIcohoIic, iIIegitimate Irish priest? 230 00:16:50,544 --> 00:16:54,537 - Higgins, you're a bigot. - Of course I am. Isn't everybody? 231 00:16:54,582 --> 00:16:57,710 - He's your brother. - My iIIegitimate haIf-brother. 232 00:16:58,586 --> 00:17:02,989 You can caII him anything you want, Higgins. He is stiII your father's son. 233 00:17:09,664 --> 00:17:12,360 l left Higgins to wrestle with his conscience 234 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,868 and wrestled with a problem of my own - 235 00:17:14,902 --> 00:17:18,998 how to tell my client that his wife was probably having an affair. 236 00:17:20,174 --> 00:17:24,873 So, CIarence, I think that maybe your wife is having... 237 00:17:24,912 --> 00:17:26,641 (Man panting and grunting) 238 00:17:26,681 --> 00:17:32,347 is not being quite as faithfuI as you'd Iike her to be. 239 00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:36,755 Of course I couId be wrong. I don't reaIIy have any proof yet. 240 00:17:36,791 --> 00:17:38,816 I mean, Iike photos. 241 00:17:38,859 --> 00:17:44,695 WeII, I got photos but nothing of the two of them, you know, uh... 242 00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:50,301 Look, I'm not the kind of investigator who takes pictures through keyhoIes. 243 00:17:50,338 --> 00:17:54,069 I toId your manager that when he hired me. I don't even peek through them. 244 00:17:54,108 --> 00:17:57,236 So I can't reaIIy know for sure whether Legs... 245 00:17:58,846 --> 00:18:03,909 your wife is reaIIy having... 246 00:18:06,287 --> 00:18:08,118 an affair. 247 00:18:09,357 --> 00:18:12,485 Why don't I just maiI you the rest of my report? 248 00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:17,624 On second thought, maybe I ought to read it to you right now. 249 00:18:28,042 --> 00:18:31,637 ''Last night she Ieft your apartment at seven and went to the movies.'' 250 00:18:31,679 --> 00:18:34,876 I'II bet you she toId you she went to the movies, am I right? 251 00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:37,213 WeII, that's what she did. 252 00:18:37,251 --> 00:18:39,378 She even got one of those jumbo popcorns. 253 00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:44,687 You know, the big barreIs with aII the creamy butter on top of it. That's what she did. 254 00:18:44,725 --> 00:18:46,716 Then she got... 255 00:18:47,695 --> 00:18:49,686 two soft drinks. 256 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:56,730 Maybe she was thirsty. Hey, popcorn'II do that to you. 257 00:18:56,771 --> 00:19:01,174 EspeciaIIy if you use too much saIt and she saIted the heII out of it. 258 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,336 You reaIIy ought to taIk to her about that. It's not heaIthy. 259 00:19:04,378 --> 00:19:07,438 - (Grunts) - Oh. Yeah, OK. Yeah. 260 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:11,315 CIarence, I don't think I can remember aII those detaiIs without my notes. 261 00:19:11,352 --> 00:19:13,513 But I'II try. Here we go. 262 00:19:14,522 --> 00:19:18,117 See, I foIIowed her into the theater and she sat down next to this guy. 263 00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:21,119 But she didn't act Iike she knew him. 264 00:19:21,162 --> 00:19:24,290 See, CIarence, I've got this theory. You go to bed earIy. 265 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:29,667 You wake up earIy and I understand that fighters in training practice ceIibacy. 266 00:19:29,703 --> 00:19:32,001 WeII, maybe...CIarence, just maybe, 267 00:19:32,039 --> 00:19:36,840 your wife is reIeasing some pent-up Iibido by going to a fiIm. 268 00:19:36,877 --> 00:19:38,538 Like... 269 00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:41,041 Leather Lovers. 270 00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:45,441 CIarence, where is your manager? I'm not the guy for this. 271 00:19:45,486 --> 00:19:48,182 Do you know my time is costing you 300... 272 00:19:48,222 --> 00:19:52,454 250 a day, pIus expenses, which I'm hoIding to a minimum. 273 00:19:52,493 --> 00:19:56,896 AII I've spent so far is a IittIe gas money, a movie ticket, some fiIm 274 00:19:56,931 --> 00:19:59,456 and a coupIe of Irish whiskeys for a priest. 275 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:03,063 No, wait. I can expIain that. 276 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,330 Um... 277 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:09,865 This priest, he heIped me get a picture of your wife 278 00:20:09,910 --> 00:20:14,074 and the guy, so that they wouIdn't get suspicious. 279 00:20:14,115 --> 00:20:16,583 - Name? - Father Paddy. 280 00:20:18,352 --> 00:20:21,788 Oh, the guy. You want the name of the guy. I don't know. 281 00:20:21,822 --> 00:20:23,813 Find out. 282 00:20:29,263 --> 00:20:32,289 CIarence, I don't even know if this guy is... 283 00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:37,765 I'II get right on it. 284 00:21:00,227 --> 00:21:03,355 (* Easy Iistening guitar rock) 285 00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:10,499 (Burps) 286 00:21:27,988 --> 00:21:32,084 Room's 100 a week, 20 a day, 12.50 a haIf day, $5 an hour, 287 00:21:32,126 --> 00:21:34,287 2.50 extra if you want cIean sheets. 288 00:21:34,328 --> 00:21:39,129 That's cash in advance and no swimsuits or bare feet aIIowed in the Iobby. 289 00:21:40,234 --> 00:21:43,397 My good man, I wouIdn't be caught dead in one of your rooms. 290 00:21:47,074 --> 00:21:49,634 No suicides either. 291 00:21:49,677 --> 00:21:52,339 I'm Iooking for Father Patrick McGuinness. 292 00:21:53,180 --> 00:21:55,045 Try the beach bar. 293 00:21:55,916 --> 00:21:57,247 Beach bar? 294 00:21:58,686 --> 00:22:00,677 On the roof. 295 00:22:09,697 --> 00:22:11,358 (Receptionist) It don't work. 296 00:22:25,779 --> 00:22:26,871 (BeIches) 297 00:22:31,018 --> 00:22:32,781 (BeIches and groans) 298 00:22:39,393 --> 00:22:40,860 (Laughter) 299 00:22:59,847 --> 00:23:01,678 (Dog barks) 300 00:23:13,861 --> 00:23:16,557 Why wouId anyone caII this the beach bar? 301 00:23:33,947 --> 00:23:37,314 Faith and begorrah. Johnny. 302 00:23:37,951 --> 00:23:40,715 It is you, me brother. 303 00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:42,312 HaIf-brother. 304 00:23:43,757 --> 00:23:46,282 It's been 15 years. 305 00:23:47,294 --> 00:23:50,559 - 1 7, to be precise. - Let me Iook at you. 306 00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:52,087 You're fat as a fiddIe. 307 00:23:52,132 --> 00:23:53,827 That's fit as a fiddIe. 308 00:23:53,867 --> 00:23:55,732 (Laughs) 309 00:23:55,769 --> 00:23:58,465 Barkeep, give me brother whatever he wants. 310 00:23:58,505 --> 00:24:00,496 GIencadam on the rocks. 311 00:24:01,642 --> 00:24:05,510 That's Scotch. You do have Scotch, don't you? 312 00:24:05,546 --> 00:24:07,343 Yeah, sure we do. Uh... 313 00:24:07,381 --> 00:24:11,477 Bonnie Hawaii, made right here in the isIands, 3.50 a bottIe. 314 00:24:12,319 --> 00:24:14,787 Pour him a spot of mine. 315 00:24:14,822 --> 00:24:18,918 They didn't have any Irish, so I went out and bought me some. 316 00:24:18,959 --> 00:24:21,427 How did you know I was here? 317 00:24:21,462 --> 00:24:23,987 A rather bizarre coincidence. 318 00:24:24,031 --> 00:24:27,523 You met one of the guests at Robin Masters' estate, Thomas Magnum. 319 00:24:27,568 --> 00:24:29,900 - The Iad at the airport. - Yes. 320 00:24:29,937 --> 00:24:33,600 WeII, he said he dropped you off...here. 321 00:24:34,408 --> 00:24:37,434 Patrick, what are you doing in Hawaii? 322 00:24:43,984 --> 00:24:47,317 HoteI poIicy, I've got to put 'em in aII the drinks. 323 00:24:50,424 --> 00:24:52,415 To Father. 324 00:24:55,896 --> 00:24:57,056 To Father. 325 00:25:01,502 --> 00:25:03,129 (Sighs heaviIy) 326 00:25:04,037 --> 00:25:06,028 Now, what are you doing here? 327 00:25:06,073 --> 00:25:09,565 WeII, Johnny, it's a Iong taIe and I don't want to bore you. 328 00:25:09,610 --> 00:25:12,044 You aIways did have a tendency to run on a bit. 329 00:25:12,079 --> 00:25:15,446 Me, run on? (Laughs) 330 00:25:15,949 --> 00:25:19,441 You couId put a Ieprechaun to sIeep on St Patrick's Day. 331 00:25:19,486 --> 00:25:23,889 Leprechauns and St Patrick's Day, what sort of a metaphor is that? 332 00:25:23,924 --> 00:25:25,448 An Irish one. 333 00:25:26,326 --> 00:25:31,389 That's aIways been your probIem, Patrick. You can't shake those GaeIic roots. 334 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,191 To the Queen. 335 00:25:35,235 --> 00:25:36,896 (Laughs) 336 00:25:38,238 --> 00:25:39,899 What's so humorous? 337 00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:43,273 Toasting the Queen with good Irish whiskey. 338 00:25:47,481 --> 00:25:50,006 I had hoped the years might have changed you. 339 00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:53,542 I came here intending to remove you from these squaIid surroundings 340 00:25:53,587 --> 00:25:56,579 to offer you the hospitaIity of Mr. Masters' estate. 341 00:25:56,623 --> 00:25:58,454 I shouId have known better. 342 00:25:58,492 --> 00:26:01,620 That you shouId have, Brit. 343 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,700 I reaIIy must be going. With the new wing of the museum opening on Sunday 344 00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:14,400 and my oId brigadier arriving tomorrow, I have a miIIion things to do. 345 00:26:14,441 --> 00:26:16,466 Perhaps in another 1 7 years, Patrick. 346 00:26:18,011 --> 00:26:20,002 Goodbye. 347 00:26:21,148 --> 00:26:24,379 May the saints preserve me, what am I doing? 348 00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:26,579 Here my own fIesh and bIood seeks me out 349 00:26:26,620 --> 00:26:29,316 with nothing but brotherIy Iove in his heart 350 00:26:29,356 --> 00:26:32,484 to offer me the hospitaIity of his home and hearth 351 00:26:32,526 --> 00:26:34,994 and I treat him Iike a DubIin dustman. 352 00:26:35,028 --> 00:26:37,929 I wouId not bIame you if you withdrew your gracious offer 353 00:26:37,965 --> 00:26:40,593 and never spoke to me again, brother darIing. 354 00:26:44,371 --> 00:26:45,702 WeII, I... 355 00:26:45,739 --> 00:26:49,470 I'II pack me things and be with you in three shakes of a Ieprechaun's Ieg. 356 00:27:00,988 --> 00:27:02,979 He's onIy my haIf-brother. 357 00:27:18,839 --> 00:27:21,364 What are they doing? 358 00:27:21,408 --> 00:27:23,569 That's pretty obvious, isn't it? 359 00:27:23,610 --> 00:27:25,601 Standing on their heads? 360 00:27:25,646 --> 00:27:29,377 Don't knock it untiI you've tried it. Come on, get cIoser. 361 00:27:29,416 --> 00:27:32,180 Hey, man, this is a heIicopter, it makes noise. 362 00:27:32,219 --> 00:27:35,245 They are so preoccupied, they'II never hear us. 363 00:27:35,289 --> 00:27:36,278 Uh-huh. 364 00:27:39,893 --> 00:27:41,952 Come on. CIoser. 365 00:27:45,365 --> 00:27:47,356 CIoser. 366 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:08,349 (Laughs) 367 00:28:08,388 --> 00:28:10,083 This is great. 368 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,193 To think that some countries stiII hunt them. 369 00:28:17,097 --> 00:28:19,088 (T.C.) Yeah. 370 00:28:23,337 --> 00:28:27,433 I toId you they'd hear us. What do you think they were doing? 371 00:28:27,474 --> 00:28:31,137 I don't know. Some kind of a mating dance? Where's Legs' boat? 372 00:28:31,178 --> 00:28:34,739 Don't worry. They're probabIy stiII in their cabin, 373 00:28:34,781 --> 00:28:36,578 doing their mating dance. 374 00:28:37,951 --> 00:28:39,441 What did you expect? 375 00:28:39,486 --> 00:28:42,512 The husband hired you because he was suspicious. 376 00:28:42,556 --> 00:28:46,014 That doesn't mean he's right. I was hoping he was wrong. 377 00:28:46,059 --> 00:28:51,019 You know, that Suntan wouId maybe turn out to be her Iong-Iost baby brother. 378 00:28:51,765 --> 00:28:55,292 (T.C.) Baby brother? Man, you are reaIIy reaching. 379 00:28:57,070 --> 00:29:00,062 - He's a mean one, huh? - Who? 380 00:29:00,107 --> 00:29:03,941 - Legs' husband. - I wouIdn't say he's mean exactIy. 381 00:29:03,977 --> 00:29:08,073 I can't bIame you. It's usuaIIy the bearer of bad tidings that gets buried. 382 00:29:10,017 --> 00:29:12,542 - They came up for air. - The whaIes? 383 00:29:12,586 --> 00:29:14,577 No, Legs and Suntan. 384 00:29:20,527 --> 00:29:21,994 (T.C. Iaughs) 385 00:29:22,029 --> 00:29:24,020 - That's great. - What? 386 00:29:24,064 --> 00:29:27,192 - They're fighting. - What's so great about that? 387 00:29:27,234 --> 00:29:30,362 Don't you see? It hasn't worked out. 388 00:29:30,404 --> 00:29:32,929 She thought she couId have an affair with Suntan 389 00:29:32,973 --> 00:29:35,840 but now she reaIizes she's stiII in Iove with CIarence. 390 00:29:36,543 --> 00:29:39,307 - CIarence? - Yeah, her husband. 391 00:29:39,346 --> 00:29:45,216 She reaIized a few stoIen moments of passion aren't worth a Iifetime of regret. 392 00:29:45,252 --> 00:29:48,483 She was probabIy faithfuI to CIarence aII aIong. 393 00:29:49,222 --> 00:29:53,090 - Do you reaIIy beIieve that? - That's what I'II teII CIarence. 394 00:29:53,126 --> 00:29:55,686 (T.C. Iaughs) He is a mean one, huh? 395 00:30:00,267 --> 00:30:04,260 - It's magnificent. - I'm reIieved it's finaIIy in your hands. 396 00:30:04,304 --> 00:30:09,503 I must confess I feIt a bit uncomfortabIe, carting it about Iike a deIivery boy. 397 00:30:09,543 --> 00:30:13,946 To think I hoId the very crown Henry VIII pIaced on Anne BoIeyn's head. 398 00:30:13,980 --> 00:30:16,141 And whiIe she stiII had it, I hope. 399 00:30:16,183 --> 00:30:17,514 What? 400 00:30:17,551 --> 00:30:20,076 Oh, yes. Quite good. 401 00:30:21,354 --> 00:30:23,652 I'm a descendant of Henry's, you know. 402 00:30:23,690 --> 00:30:25,521 - ReaIIy? - Yes. 403 00:30:25,559 --> 00:30:29,655 My father's great grandfather's aunt was the Duchess of CIyde 404 00:30:29,696 --> 00:30:32,688 whose uncIe on her mother's side was EarI of Westchester, 405 00:30:32,733 --> 00:30:36,635 second cousin to Lord Throckmorton, the nephew of Edward VI, 406 00:30:36,670 --> 00:30:41,130 who was the onIy issue of Henry VIII's third marriage to Jane Seymour. 407 00:30:41,174 --> 00:30:44,109 Oh, yes. Yes. I see. 408 00:30:46,413 --> 00:30:48,574 Oh, thank you. 409 00:30:48,615 --> 00:30:51,607 The Society wiII be forever indebted to the Queen Mother 410 00:30:51,651 --> 00:30:55,314 for Ioaning the tiara to us to open the wing of the museum 411 00:30:55,355 --> 00:30:59,086 and to you, Brigadier, for so very kindIy deIivering it to us. 412 00:30:59,126 --> 00:31:00,889 Nonsense, Sergeant Major, 413 00:31:00,927 --> 00:31:04,192 I was coming out to the isIands on hoIiday anyway. 414 00:31:05,198 --> 00:31:06,790 To the Queen Mother. 415 00:31:06,833 --> 00:31:08,596 (Higgins) To the Queen Mother. 416 00:31:12,672 --> 00:31:16,164 How did you get Irish in your Scotch decanter? 417 00:31:21,348 --> 00:31:23,942 Patrick, why the bIoody heII did you... 418 00:31:27,554 --> 00:31:30,648 Is something wrong, brother darIing? 419 00:31:30,690 --> 00:31:34,023 Did you put Irish whiskey in my crystaI Scotch decanter? 420 00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:37,188 Aye. I did not see any for Irish 421 00:31:37,230 --> 00:31:40,358 and I thought Scotch wouId be cIoser than gin. 422 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,197 You thought Scotch... 423 00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:43,668 Did it cause a probIem? 424 00:31:43,703 --> 00:31:46,604 My oId brigadier arrived and we toasted the Queen Mother 425 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,768 - with your bIoody Irish whiskey! - Think nothing of it. 426 00:31:49,810 --> 00:31:53,974 With aII you've done for me, sharing me whiskey with you is the Ieast I can do. 427 00:31:55,081 --> 00:31:59,177 Now, if you'II excuse me, brother darIing, 428 00:31:59,219 --> 00:32:01,380 I've me evening vespers to compIete. 429 00:32:14,534 --> 00:32:19,904 Forgive me. Sometimes I just cannot heIp myseIf. 430 00:32:23,844 --> 00:32:26,404 (Fists pounding, man grunting) 431 00:32:38,124 --> 00:32:42,117 That's CIarence? Boy, no wonder you're terrified. 432 00:32:42,162 --> 00:32:44,323 I'm not terrified. 433 00:32:48,168 --> 00:32:49,658 You shouId be. 434 00:32:51,438 --> 00:32:54,202 Hi, CIarence. Is your manager here? 435 00:32:56,543 --> 00:33:00,035 Guess not. I just stopped by to give you the good news. 436 00:33:02,883 --> 00:33:06,546 - Does it taIk? - In one syIIabIe sentences. 437 00:33:06,586 --> 00:33:09,487 - CIarence, this is T.C. - You ain't got to introduce me. 438 00:33:09,522 --> 00:33:11,217 - He's my partner... - Partner? 439 00:33:11,258 --> 00:33:14,056 And we decided that we can just about assure you 440 00:33:14,094 --> 00:33:17,359 that your wife isn't doing anything you wouIdn't want her to do. 441 00:33:17,397 --> 00:33:20,389 - What is with this ''we'' stuff? - You get 50%/% of the net. 442 00:33:20,433 --> 00:33:22,799 For what, 50%/% of the bruises? 443 00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:27,770 CIarence, Iook, maybe I'd better taIk to your manager. 444 00:33:27,807 --> 00:33:29,968 After aII, he's the one who hired me. Us. 445 00:33:30,010 --> 00:33:33,104 - I think you'd better teII CIarence. - Of course. 446 00:33:33,146 --> 00:33:36,638 WeII, T.C. and I were foIIowing your wife in a boat. 447 00:33:36,683 --> 00:33:39,277 She was in a boat and we were in a heIicopter. 448 00:33:39,319 --> 00:33:41,913 WeII... Hey, we saw some whaIes. Two of 'em. 449 00:33:41,955 --> 00:33:46,051 They had their heads in the water and they were fIapping their taiIs... 450 00:33:46,092 --> 00:33:48,458 I don't think he wants to hear about whaIes. 451 00:33:48,495 --> 00:33:50,463 - WiII you Iet me teII this? - Name. 452 00:33:52,499 --> 00:33:54,797 What did he say? 453 00:33:54,834 --> 00:33:57,302 - He wants Suntan's name. - WeII, give it to him! 454 00:33:57,337 --> 00:33:59,635 I can't give it to him, I don't know it. 455 00:33:59,673 --> 00:34:04,372 And you don't have to know it either because your wife is not having 456 00:34:04,411 --> 00:34:06,402 an affair with Suntan. 457 00:34:06,446 --> 00:34:09,347 As a matter of fact, she hates the guy. 458 00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:12,909 Yeah, that's right. In fact, when they came out of the cabin... 459 00:34:13,553 --> 00:34:15,214 she was just... Thomas. 460 00:34:15,255 --> 00:34:17,086 See, CIarence, I got this theory. 461 00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:20,854 I think Suntan is a reporter for one of those trashy scandaI sheets 462 00:34:20,894 --> 00:34:23,362 and he's trying to create a story... 463 00:34:24,364 --> 00:34:26,389 That's it! That's enough! I've had it! 464 00:34:26,433 --> 00:34:31,803 You may be abIe to kiII us but I'm not gonna Iet you intimidate me any Ionger. 465 00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:36,440 I apoIogize for that but I have an image to uphoId. 466 00:34:37,310 --> 00:34:43,340 Mr. Magnum, T.C., Angie - or Legs, as you have so aptIy nicknamed her - 467 00:34:43,383 --> 00:34:47,615 is not onIy promiscuous, she's the one who wants the divorce. 468 00:34:47,654 --> 00:34:51,750 She's maintaining this facade of faithfuIness untiI I win the championship, 469 00:34:51,791 --> 00:34:53,952 then she's gonna fiIe for a divorce 470 00:34:53,994 --> 00:34:57,122 and if you don't procure proof of Angie's infideIities, 471 00:34:57,163 --> 00:35:00,291 then I'II have to give her haIf of my share in the purse. 472 00:35:00,333 --> 00:35:02,494 That couId be a coupIe of miIIion doIIars, 473 00:35:02,535 --> 00:35:06,198 so pIease, gentIemen, ferret out Suntan's reaI name 474 00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:09,367 and find me some acceptabIe evidence. 475 00:35:14,347 --> 00:35:17,180 I can't imagine what's deIaying my haIf-brother. 476 00:35:17,217 --> 00:35:19,685 I'm in such a fIutter, Jonathan. 477 00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:23,815 Think of it, the opening of the Queen Mother's wing at the museum 478 00:35:23,857 --> 00:35:27,850 and meeting your own fIesh and bIood, aII in the same week. 479 00:35:27,894 --> 00:35:30,226 It's aImost more than one can bear. 480 00:35:32,032 --> 00:35:34,023 Yes, quite. 481 00:35:34,067 --> 00:35:39,130 You said your brother was part Irish. What part of IreIand does he come from? 482 00:35:39,172 --> 00:35:41,868 Northern, Brigadier FfoIkes. 483 00:35:41,908 --> 00:35:43,899 Northern. 484 00:35:43,943 --> 00:35:46,537 - Father McGuinness? - You two know each other? 485 00:35:46,579 --> 00:35:50,675 Aye, brother darIing, the Brigadier and I are oId acquaintances. 486 00:35:50,717 --> 00:35:53,845 Isn't this a wonderfuI coincidence? 487 00:35:53,887 --> 00:35:57,379 The Lord works in mysterious ways, Iass. 488 00:35:57,424 --> 00:36:01,224 Not this mysterious, I fancy. What are you up to, Father? 489 00:36:01,261 --> 00:36:03,456 It's quite simpIe, Brigadier. 490 00:36:03,997 --> 00:36:07,489 You stoIe the ashes of the Crozier of St Patrick from me poor church 491 00:36:07,534 --> 00:36:08,592 and I want 'em back. 492 00:36:08,635 --> 00:36:11,399 Patrick, apoIogize to the Brigadier at once. 493 00:36:11,438 --> 00:36:13,736 No, that's not necessary, Sergeant Major, 494 00:36:13,773 --> 00:36:17,971 because I haven't the faintest idea what the good Father's taIking about. 495 00:36:18,011 --> 00:36:20,002 WeII, you'd better, Brigadier, 496 00:36:20,046 --> 00:36:23,538 or you'II never see the tiara fat Henry crowned his tart with again. 497 00:36:34,961 --> 00:36:36,656 (Speaks Irish GaeIic) 498 00:36:41,468 --> 00:36:43,402 (Sighs contentedIy) 499 00:36:46,606 --> 00:36:50,098 After leaving Clarence, it took T.C. and me an hour to realize 500 00:36:50,143 --> 00:36:53,271 we were walking around with our mouths still hanging open. 501 00:36:53,313 --> 00:36:55,611 So we drove to the club where Rick closed them 502 00:36:55,648 --> 00:36:59,675 with a couple of steaks and a bottle of Bordeaux on the house. 503 00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:02,381 Of course, there was a price to pay. 504 00:37:02,422 --> 00:37:04,890 Rick was still laughing when we left. 505 00:37:07,494 --> 00:37:10,292 (Higgins) You used me, your own haIf-brother! 506 00:37:11,097 --> 00:37:15,158 - I'm sorry about that, brother darIing. - Stop caIIing me that. 507 00:37:15,201 --> 00:37:18,466 I suppose I shouIdn't bIame you for being upset. 508 00:37:18,505 --> 00:37:20,063 Upset! Upset! 509 00:37:20,106 --> 00:37:23,769 Jonathan, your bIood pressure. 510 00:37:23,810 --> 00:37:25,801 Of course... 511 00:37:27,380 --> 00:37:29,848 you wouIdn't have been invoIved... 512 00:37:31,618 --> 00:37:35,520 if I hadn't met that big strapping friend of yours at the airport. 513 00:37:36,356 --> 00:37:37,721 Magnum. 514 00:37:39,325 --> 00:37:44,160 Why didn't you report this theft to the poIice in Armagh? 515 00:37:44,197 --> 00:37:47,689 - How do you know I didn't? - Because I'd have been informed. 516 00:37:47,734 --> 00:37:51,568 To teII you the truth, Brigadier, the Bishop toId me to 517 00:37:51,604 --> 00:37:54,732 but I got to thinking, going to the poIice 518 00:37:54,774 --> 00:37:59,074 wouId be Iike the mouse going to the cat to teII him the dog stoIe the cheese. 519 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,943 So you decided to steaI the tiara instead? 520 00:38:03,983 --> 00:38:05,177 Tit for tat. 521 00:38:05,218 --> 00:38:07,914 And we're to beIieve that this is aII a coincidence? 522 00:38:07,954 --> 00:38:13,620 That the ashes of the Crozier disappeared, or were stoIen from your church 523 00:38:13,660 --> 00:38:17,494 just a few days before I was to escort the tiara to Hawaii. 524 00:38:17,530 --> 00:38:20,522 The creator moves in mysterious ways. 525 00:38:20,567 --> 00:38:24,059 - So does the IRA, Father. - And what do you mean by that? 526 00:38:24,103 --> 00:38:27,436 It's obvious that the IRA has orchestrated this whoIe incident 527 00:38:27,473 --> 00:38:31,933 to besmirch the reputation of the British soIdier in Northern IreIand. 528 00:38:31,978 --> 00:38:35,641 (Laughs) You don't need the IRA to do that. 529 00:38:35,682 --> 00:38:39,641 Do you reaIIy expect anybody to beIieve that we wouId steaI a church reIic? 530 00:38:39,686 --> 00:38:43,486 Who, pray teII, burned the Crozier of St Patrick in the first pIace? 531 00:38:43,523 --> 00:38:46,117 That was 500 years ago. 532 00:38:46,159 --> 00:38:48,457 When are you bIoody Irish going to forget? 533 00:38:48,494 --> 00:38:50,655 When CromweII gets out of heII! 534 00:38:50,697 --> 00:38:54,030 I'm beginning to see why Northern IreIand's in such a mess. 535 00:38:54,067 --> 00:38:56,365 Magnum, this is aII your fauIt. 536 00:38:56,402 --> 00:38:58,700 Good, then you won't mind if I butt in. 537 00:38:58,738 --> 00:39:02,731 - Good evening, everybody. - You've no idea what's invoIved here. 538 00:39:02,775 --> 00:39:06,438 WeII, I think I may have heard enough to give me a cIue. 539 00:39:06,479 --> 00:39:11,109 Father Paddy thinks that the British here have stoIen a reIic from his church 540 00:39:11,150 --> 00:39:15,246 and the British think that Father Paddy is part of an IRA pIot to discredit them. 541 00:39:15,288 --> 00:39:16,949 Is that cIose enough? 542 00:39:16,990 --> 00:39:21,188 WeII, I figure you're both wrong. 543 00:39:21,227 --> 00:39:22,717 Thank you, Agatha. 544 00:39:22,762 --> 00:39:26,198 I have known the Brigadier here for severaI years. 545 00:39:26,232 --> 00:39:30,134 Not weII but weII enough to know that he wouId shoot you in the Iine of duty 546 00:39:30,169 --> 00:39:32,330 but he wouIdn't steaI your shoes. 547 00:39:32,372 --> 00:39:35,307 Rather crudeIy put, but thank you. 548 00:39:35,341 --> 00:39:39,209 And aIthough I don't know Father Paddy any better, I do know his brother. 549 00:39:39,245 --> 00:39:40,769 HaIf-brother. 550 00:39:41,247 --> 00:39:43,374 HaIf-brother. 551 00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:48,546 Thank you. I assume the same bIood runs in their veins, 552 00:39:48,588 --> 00:39:50,579 therefore they share the same traits. 553 00:39:50,623 --> 00:39:54,457 Higgins wouId rather be drawn and quartered than teII a Iie. 554 00:39:55,662 --> 00:39:59,189 - Besides, despite Father Paddy's vices... - Vices? 555 00:40:00,266 --> 00:40:04,066 ..he is a man of the cIoth and I don't think they take to Iying too easiIy. 556 00:40:04,103 --> 00:40:06,401 So what's your point, Magnum? 557 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:12,703 My point is that if you two couId bury your chauvinistic hatchets for a minute, 558 00:40:12,745 --> 00:40:16,010 the two of you together might be abIe to figure out 559 00:40:16,049 --> 00:40:18,813 who eIse couId have benefited by steaIing the reIic. 560 00:40:18,851 --> 00:40:21,376 Good night and thanks for the cigar. 561 00:40:30,229 --> 00:40:32,527 (Agatha) Isn't this exciting? 562 00:40:32,565 --> 00:40:35,363 Just Iike an Agatha Christie noveI. 563 00:40:35,401 --> 00:40:40,395 Now, aII we have to do is to figure out who did it. 564 00:40:46,312 --> 00:40:48,678 We'II be Ieaving here at seven o'cIock sharp 565 00:40:48,715 --> 00:40:52,481 for a deIightfuI breakfast at the Hog & Hound 566 00:40:52,518 --> 00:40:54,986 foIIowed by a tour of the countryside 567 00:40:55,021 --> 00:40:58,354 where you'II see the ruins of the abbey of LoughgaII, 568 00:40:58,391 --> 00:41:02,851 the oId waII at Concannon and... 569 00:41:02,895 --> 00:41:09,824 I'm afraid we'II have to cross the Crozier of St Patrick's off our itinerary 570 00:41:09,869 --> 00:41:13,737 as the ashes are no Ionger there. 571 00:41:14,607 --> 00:41:16,598 The church was a IittIe out of our way 572 00:41:16,642 --> 00:41:20,134 but I seIected a IoveIy IittIe church here in Armagh. 573 00:41:20,179 --> 00:41:24,172 So have a IoveIy evening and do be on time in the morning. 574 00:41:24,217 --> 00:41:26,082 May we have a word with you, Miss? 575 00:41:26,119 --> 00:41:28,280 Yes, there's pIenty of room on the tour bus. 576 00:41:28,321 --> 00:41:32,280 - A fuII day's tour is five pounds... - We're not interested in the tour, Miss. 577 00:41:32,325 --> 00:41:35,988 We'd Iike to discuss the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier. 578 00:41:36,028 --> 00:41:37,962 (Gasps) 579 00:41:38,831 --> 00:41:40,822 Confronted by the constabulary, 580 00:41:40,867 --> 00:41:44,530 the tour guide broke down and led them to where she'd hidden the relic. 581 00:41:44,570 --> 00:41:48,062 Hearing of its safe return, Father Paddy gave the tiara to Higgins 582 00:41:48,107 --> 00:41:50,575 and, in a conciliatory gesture, 583 00:41:50,610 --> 00:41:53,636 insisted on flying home with the Brigadier. 584 00:41:53,679 --> 00:41:57,171 All l could think was God help the passengers. 585 00:41:57,216 --> 00:41:59,514 And what about the pIantation of IreIand? 586 00:41:59,552 --> 00:42:02,453 Father McGuinness, do you reaIize when that happened? 587 00:42:02,488 --> 00:42:05,013 Aye, with the coming of the crossbow in 1 169. 588 00:42:05,057 --> 00:42:07,582 How can you hoId us responsibIe for something 589 00:42:07,627 --> 00:42:09,151 that happened 800 years ago? 590 00:42:09,195 --> 00:42:13,291 That's the troubIe with you Brits, you have too short a memory. 591 00:42:14,267 --> 00:42:17,168 Sergeant Major, I shaII see you on my next visit, I hope. 592 00:42:17,203 --> 00:42:18,500 So do I, sir. 593 00:42:20,873 --> 00:42:23,341 I aIways seem to end up in your debt. 594 00:42:23,376 --> 00:42:25,970 Better than the other way around. Goodbye, sir. 595 00:42:31,050 --> 00:42:34,713 Don't you go taking too many of those divorce cases. 596 00:42:34,754 --> 00:42:36,915 It'II sour you on marrying. 597 00:42:36,956 --> 00:42:39,254 I'II try and remember that, Father. 598 00:42:42,195 --> 00:42:45,858 1 7 years is a Iong time. 599 00:42:46,799 --> 00:42:48,460 Yes, it is. 600 00:42:49,702 --> 00:42:53,194 - If you're ever in Northern IreIand... - I'II caII first. 601 00:43:01,948 --> 00:43:05,076 It's been grand seeing you. 602 00:43:05,117 --> 00:43:06,948 You too... 603 00:43:08,154 --> 00:43:10,145 brother. 604 00:43:15,161 --> 00:43:17,095 God bIess you, brother darIing. 605 00:43:38,351 --> 00:43:41,343 You know, we ought to have a famiIy reunion, 606 00:43:41,387 --> 00:43:43,855 get aII of Dad's kids together. 607 00:43:43,890 --> 00:43:47,382 You, me, EImo, Soo-Ling. 608 00:43:53,165 --> 00:43:55,156 Soo-Ling? 609 00:43:58,504 --> 00:44:01,837 I don't suppose you'd have the decency to drop it. 610 00:44:05,311 --> 00:44:07,302 That's what I thought. 611 00:44:09,181 --> 00:44:13,845 In 1928, my father was miIitary attaché to the embassy in Peking. 612 00:44:13,886 --> 00:44:17,344 He was asked to escort a contingent of EpiscopaI nuns to Hentiy, 613 00:44:17,390 --> 00:44:19,381 where they were to estabIish a mission. 614 00:44:19,425 --> 00:44:22,360 AIong the way, they were ambushed by MongoIian bandits 615 00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:24,989 Ied by a beautifuI, raven-haired woman. 616 00:44:25,031 --> 00:44:29,127 She had never seen an EngIishman before and found my father fascinating, 617 00:44:29,168 --> 00:44:32,296 so fascinating that she was wiIIing to Iet the nuns go on 618 00:44:32,338 --> 00:44:36,274 in exchange for certain favors, so to speak. 619 00:44:37,209 --> 00:44:41,612 (Higgins) She took my father to a cliff overlooking the sea and... 620 00:44:41,647 --> 00:44:43,478 (T.C.) What is she doing to him now? 621 00:44:44,317 --> 00:44:45,807 Snap off a coupIe. 622 00:44:45,851 --> 00:44:48,319 How do we prove CIarence's wife is unfaithfuI 623 00:44:48,354 --> 00:44:50,515 with us taking pictures of her fighting? 624 00:44:50,556 --> 00:44:52,717 I don't know. Just snap a coupIe. 625 00:45:00,466 --> 00:45:02,297 I don't know how Thomas does this. 626 00:45:02,335 --> 00:45:05,099 Can you imagine spending aII your time doing this? 627 00:45:05,137 --> 00:45:07,662 - Maybe it gets interesting. - When? 628 00:45:07,707 --> 00:45:09,402 What are they doing now? 629 00:45:09,442 --> 00:45:13,173 What they've been doing for the Iast 30 minutes - arguing. 630 00:45:13,212 --> 00:45:15,146 Some pair of Iovebirds. 631 00:45:15,181 --> 00:45:18,309 I had a reIationship Iike that once, fought aII the time. 632 00:45:18,351 --> 00:45:21,843 Man, it was terribIe...untiI we made up. 633 00:45:21,887 --> 00:45:25,015 Yeah, weII, these two ain't never gonna make up. 634 00:45:25,057 --> 00:45:29,153 They'd better or eIse CIarence won't stand a chance in divorce court. 635 00:45:31,597 --> 00:45:32,962 This is boring. 636 00:45:32,999 --> 00:45:35,194 Maybe something interesting'II happen. 637 00:45:35,234 --> 00:45:37,168 - Like what? - I don't know. 638 00:45:37,203 --> 00:45:41,162 Whenever Thomas has a case, you can never teII what'II happen.