I'm getting sick and tired of being shot at
by your dumb, stupid little toy cannon.
As a matter of fact, I never want to hear it again.
Ever!
Magnum, how the heck are you?
A friend of yours?
He's a commando, Higgins. We knew him in Nam.
Tyler Peabody McKinney.
What are you here for, Tyler?
You remember that execution I was talking about?
Well, it wasn't just mine.
It was J.J. Quincannon's, too.
I managed to skate it, but they still got J.J.
Who's "they"? - The Viets.
And that's why I'm here.
I want you guys to come back with me and get him out.
For you gentlemen are asking me and my crew
to risk our lives on a dangerous journey
into a remote part of the country, where there is no law.
I'm fine. Just fine.
What's wrong with him?
He was wondering if it was pre-ordained
that we were supposed to die in Southeast Asia.
We've been set up. They want the guns.
Any ideas?
Nope.
Me either.
Higgins!
That just missed me!
Death to the papists!
Reach for the sky, Wellington,
because you and the entire British Army are history.
I most certainly am not history,
and it is General Wellington.
Furthermore, this deviation from the battle plan is a travesty of history.
You, Magnum, as the frog General Lejeune,
were supposed to attack from the right flank,
not cravenly sneak up behind me, the noble Duke.
But then, Duke, I wouldn't have been able to capture you.
That is precisely the point.
Why even attempt to recreate the Battle of Salamanca,
if you and your revisionist friends refuse to play by the rules?
Good question. It's not a rhetorical one.
If I am to prove my theory
that General Lejeune was culpable for the French defeat
at the monthly meeting of the Anglo-Franco-Hawaiian War Society, I have...
Come on, guys, war's over. Let's go celebrate.
Magnum. Magnum, wait!
No. We quit.
You can't.
Why not? If we can't play to win, we won't play.
Magnum, I beg you to think of the consequence of this rash action.
We just did.
Yeah.
Besides, I don't know why we let you con us into playing this dumb game anyway.
Con?
As I recall, Rick, the reason you are here,
indeed the reason you are all here playing this dumb game,
and will be here tonight for an after-dinner board version of same,
is because if you were not,
you would at this very moment be explaining to the club directors
a highly questionable expenditure
to an establishment known as Edie's House of Ecstasy.
Your job, Rick, and your club privileges would be,
as you so quaintly put it, history.
Higgins, that's not fair.
Fair? Magnum, war is not fair.
But that's not the point, is it?
That... Stripper.
Was for T.C.'s birthday.
On club premises.
After hours.
And besides, she wasn't a stripper, she was...
Irrelevant. No, she was more of...
Highly irrelevant.
Well, so is your Battle of Salamander.
Salamanca.
Irrelevant!
The point is, Higgins, you can blackmail us into being your toy soldiers,
you can blackmail us into playing your dumb board games,
but we draw the line at indiscriminate slaughter.
I mean, you're not even giving us the slightest chance of winning.
Of course not. That would be historically inaccurate.
Well, historically inaccurate or not,
I'm getting sick and tired of being shot at
by your dumb, stupid little toy cannon.
As a matter of fact, I never want to hear it again.
Ever!
Bang, bang, Magnum.
Guys.
Tyler.
Tyler McKinney.
Magnum, how the hell are you?
Sorry I asked.
Give me a hand.
Where you been, Tyler?
Been to an execution.
Anybody we know?
Mine.
Well, I guess somebody messed up, then.
I've been missing you all, too.
Got anything to drink?
Certainly not.
And I demand an explanation.
Okay, General, just don't slug me, too.
Go ahead, Higgins. Belt him if you want.
How did you get on this estate?
Very nearly in my sleep.
He's a commando, Higgins. We knew him in Nam.
All true.
And I apologize for shooting off your cannon, sir.
But considering the target,
it was sort of irresistible.
Quite.
Tyler Peabody McKinney.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins.
Pleased to meet you.
Now, how about that drink?
Chateau Marquand, 1961.
A truly spectacular year.
Damn straight. Spent it in the Congo.
So did I.
Is that so? Who were you with?
I was attached to the United Nations Peacekeeping Force.
No kidding.
Maybe you was the limey that shot me.
Perhaps.
Whoever it was, too bad his aim wasn't a little bit straighter.
If it was, maybe Cam Ly never would've happened.
Is that it?
Is that what's eating you guys?
You're still holding Cam Ly over my head?
No. What are you here for, Tyler?
If you just blew into town to share a couple of glasses of wine
and some old war stories, I'd just as soon pass.
You coming, guys?
Yeah.
Magnum, we're not finished with our business.
Maybe you aren't, Higgins. I am.
Hold it. Whoa!
I got one-eighth of my brain shot off at Cam Ly.
My freaking brain.
We're talking six grams of epoxy in there.
I overheard the medic pronouncing me dead.
Yeah, I remember Cam Ly,
and I'm sorry.
So's Eddie Miller.
What are you here for, Tyler?
You remember that execution I was talking about?
Well, it wasn't just mine.
It was J.J. Quincannon's, too.
I managed to skate it,
but they still got J.J.
Who's "they"?
The Viets.
Got him in a hole in Cambodia. Place called Chong Ker.
And that's why I'm here.
I want you guys to come back with me and get him out.
What do you say, guys?
I need you.
This is the most goony thing I've ever heard.
We could get killed.
You could get killed getting out of a bathtub.
But not shot.
Sort of depends on who's bathtub he's getting out of.
That's exactly the kind of logic that's always gotten you into trouble.
I ain't saying this isn't trouble. It's for J.J.
Nevertheless, Cambodia is a foreign and hostile country,
at this moment occupied by the Vietnamese Army.
That's not the point, Higgins.
The point is, our business there is long since over.
It's as much history as your Battle of Salamander.
Salamanca.
You know what I mean.
It doesn't matter.
It's not history to an Air Force captain named Lloyd Woodley.
He's been MIA since 1971.
Me and J.J. Heard through some friendlies inside
that he was being held at a hamlet
near the juncture of the Cambodian, Laotian, Thai borders.
And you and J.J. Just cakewalked right on in there.
That's right. Only we was set up.
Instead of Woodley, we was met by a martinet major and a firing squad.
Why then have you come to Magnum and his friends
for what is ostensibly a...
CIA operation?
'Cause I ain't CIA.
I'm just a guy with a small airplane charter in Southeast Asia.
I still hear things every now and then,
and, yeah, I like to keep my hand in the game.
I like the action.
But more important,
I guess
I still give a damn.
Come on, Magnum, tell me. What have you been doing with your time?
Snooping keyholes?
Making Hawaii safe for the divorcées? Having fun?
I don't have to justify to you what I do with my life.
I ain't asking you to.
All I know is, whatever you're doing now, it ain't the action.
The action's over.
The hell it is.
And you guys. Look at you.
Still trying to hold on to it,
but you're not really sure how.
I mean,
you're still flying, ain't you?
Tourists?
Hey, that's my business.
You're business used to be being one of the best combat pilots in Southeast Asia.
Maybe the best.
And you, Orville.
Still wheeling and dealing, ain't you?
Still looking for the action.
You used to find it squeezing an M60 out the side door of a slick.
And you was the best guy I ever seen
at going behind the lines and coming back with the scalps.
You know, you was all good.
And that's why I'm here.
You was good,
and now you're sitting on your butts
letting the action pass you by.
We're not letting the action pass us by. We're facing reality,
putting those times to rest.
Then what are you wearing that SEAL cap and that MIA bracelet on your wrist for?
I just spent two-and-a-half days on an airplane. I'm tired.
I don't have time or the inclination to argue with you guys.
I'm not here to rehash Cam Ly.
I'm here now about J.J. Quincannon.
The same J.J. Quincannon
who covered our rears when we evacuated Binh Loc, remember?
And the same J.J. Quincannon who came roaring in with that squad of Montagnards.
You remember that one?
When those crud ARVIN officers were gonna blow us away,
after we caught them stealing that payroll?
Yeah, him.
And the same J.J. Quincannon
who talked those Air Force bozos out of homicide,
when Orville here got us into that little altercation outside of a Saigon bar.
J.J. Needs our help,
and that's all I'm gonna say about it.
I'm through talking.
Thanks for your hospitality.
And if any of you want to join me,
be at hangar 12 at 0600,
'cause I'm going back for him.
Well, good night, gentlemen.
Good night, Higgie.
You know, I still think it's goony.
He's absolutely right, you know.
At this point in our...
Your lives, an adventure like this is
patently absurd, isn't it?
Well, then, good night.
Magnum, lock up, will you?
Right.
Lunch at the Club?
Oh, no. No, I can't tomorrow.
I have a meeting with my accountant,
and we have to talk over some tax shelters that he...
Yeah, maybe I can go, if I'm back
from the Miss Pineapple prelims in time.
Right. I forgot.
It's no big deal. I gotta take my TV into the shop anyway.
I gotta wash the Ferrari.
I'll just hook up with you guys later.
Yeah, later.
Good night.
Tyler.
Morning, Magnum.
Let's do it.
How long?
Two weeks.
Two weeks from now, you'll be sitting on some barstool
telling outrageous lies to some beautiful blonde
about T.S. Magnum's great Cambodian raid.
That gonna be okay with you?
Getting J.J. Home is gonna be okay with me.
You got it.
Look, I know you're not here 'cause of me.
Doesn't make any difference.
I appreciate it just the same.
What about Orville and T. C?
I don't know.
You didn't talk to them?
Hey, more action left for us.
Out of sight.
Tower, this is November one-six-two Echo, requesting permission for take off.
By the way, guys, I fixed breakfast for you up here.
Check the galley.
You knew we were coming?
Either that, or he was real hungry.
This is November one-six-two Echo, requesting permission for take off.
I got the assistant manager covering
the Miss Pineapple prelims for me,
and for the rest of the month.
How about you?
Got this sign that says, "Gone fishing."
I told Higgins I was going to Maui.
...altimeter one-seven-five,
wind three-four-zero at 60.
Roger.
Fasten your seatbelts, guys. We're on a slow boat to Bangkok.
Who's that?
Maui, indeed.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but I had to make arrangements with the staff for the upkeep of the estate.
If you'll lend me a hand...
Higgins, what are you doing here?
Joining this expedition. Now, if you'II...
Whoa, whoa. Hold it. You're just too, too...
Too what? Too old? Too sedentary? Rubbish.
Now, wait a second. That's not what I said.
It's just that it's not your battle.
Nonsense. I believe in your cause,
and I believe that I can be of invaluable assistance in its successful execution.
This guide you were talking about picking up in Bangkok,
for the trip up the river and beyond?
Well, that won't be necessary now.
You see, I was with the French forces in '53,
and I'm quite familiar with the entire region.
Oh, come on, Higgie baby, you couldn't...
As a matter of fact, I was the chief consultant to Rand McNally
when they updated the map.
Now, shall we get cracking?
Magnum?
What are you guys all droopy-jawed for?
I mean, hell, we're gonna kick some butt.
This place bring back memories, or what?
Yep.
I once had a week's R and R here.
Everybody's had a week's R and R here.
Where's Thomas and Higgins?
They're in the cab behind us. Don't worry, they'll be here.
Do you realize, Magnum, that in the last 30 years
the price of a taxi has jumped 312%%?
Well, apparently everything else has remained the same.
But perhaps you wouldn't realize that.
No, I've been here.
Here?
It's like I just stepped back in time.
Quite.
Monsieur Higgins.
Merci.
Just as in 1953, the staff still speaks French.
As I say, some things never change.
Indeed, the Hotel Royale has been
home to three generations of soldiers in Southeast Asia.
Come, Magnum. After we freshen up, I'll buy you a gin and tonic.
I wonder if Pierre still tends bar in the Parisian Room?
At least you'll enjoy the orchestra.
Tasteful and civilized.
I don't wanna get burned. You understand?
I have no wish to see you on fire, Mr. Tyler.
Good.
Then you won't mind if I pay you
half when we shove off and half when we reach Ban Li upriver.
That I do mind,
for you gentlemen are asking me and my crew
to risk our lives on a dangerous journey
into a remote part of the country, where there is no law.
Just Vietnamese,
Khmer Rouge,
and private armies of the opium warlords.
Besides, I do not know of Ban Li.
We do.
Half now, half later.
If you don't show up,
I'll find you
and I'll hurt you so bad your ancestors will scream for mercy.
Half now.
Meet me at Nang Rong Canal at dawn.
You and your tourist friends.
We're on our way.
Who's bankrolling you, Tyler?
Me.
And the CIA?
Would they trust me with guns and money?
This whole operation is mine, Magnum.
Ours.
I make pretty good money flying people around these parts.
Sometimes I don't know who,
and a lot of times I don't know exactly where until the last minute,
just like this riverboat captain.
The point is, I keep my mouth shut, I don't ask questions,
and I get paid pretty good.
Right now, this operation,
I want to start paying back those jokers who set me and J.J. Up.
And I want to get him out,
and the MIA Woodley, if he's there.
Listen, I don't think you guys would really be here
if you didn't believe me, right?
Maybe it's a little less believing in you
and a little more believing in J.J.
Whatever.
We're gonna have a blast.
No, we won't have a blast.
See that man over there?
He's been a professional soldier all his life.
He doesn't know J.J.
But he's probably known a dozen others just like him, and that's why he's here.
He's not here to have a blast.
He's here because he's getting older and he's missing the action.
And Rick and T.C. In there,
half their lives have gone by since they were doing this.
They just want to diddy-bop one more time.
You gonna tell me I'm lying?
And you.
You don't have to be creeping up on middle age
to feel old, do you?
I'll be at your guys' door at 0500. Be ready.
And don't get too fugazi tonight,
'cause tomorrow it starts getting real.
Hey, hey, hey.
What did she say?
She said that from the right side
you look exactly like Dustin Hoffman.
Are you sure?
Of course I am. I'm very fluent.
Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Higgins, what did you say to them?
We were just about to have some fun.
You heard what she said. She said I looked like Dustin Hoffman.
From the right side.
Rick, we shove off at 5:00.
In the morning?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. I'll be ready.
Good show.
I'm fine.
Just fine.
What's wrong with him?
He was wondering if it was pre-ordained
that we were supposed to die in Southeast Asia.
Then the girls came and kind of cheered him up.
I don't know.
Guess I'll go help him to his room.
See you guys in the morning.
See you in the morning.
Higgins, wait a minute.
Well, shouldn't we turn in?
What did that girl really say to Rick?
She said she was looking in the eyes of a dead man.
Tools of the trade.
H and K MP5. That's what we use nowadays.
We?
The generic we, of course.
Whole new generation of assault weapons.
We started testing them when we got kicked out of Nam.
Shame.
Hardly.
I'd be perfectly satisfied with a good old reliable Sten gun.
It sometimes seems that the only reason we have wars
is to develop new weapons for the next one.
What else you got in there?
A whole candy store, T.C.
Try a 91.
You'll like this one, Magnum.
Eighteen-round.
Armor-piercing.
Israeli Galils. Anything you want. Take your pick.
What about the chopper?
Loach. Meet us at Ban Li.
Swoop in, then say bye-bye. No sweat.
Then why World War III here?
You never know.
Boy, do I have a headache.
Too much booze.
You don't suppose this guy makes bloody marys, do you?
I doubt it.
Haven't seen you hungover in a long time.
You haven't seen me get up at 5:00 in the morning in a long time, either.
But I'm okay.
Sure?
Sure, I'm sure.
What are you looking at me so strange like that for?
I said I'm fine.
Okay.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
I guess I was just
thinking about J.J.
We're all thinking about J.J., Thomas.
Maybe I was thinking about Cam Ly, too.
I'm trying not to.
Motor dead. We fix. One hour.
Two hours.
T.C., maybe you can help them.
Yeah.
I knew I was here for some reason.
Oh, no.
Son of a...
Vietnamese?
No, Thai bandits.
We've been set up. They want the guns.
And that's just what we're gonna give them!
Break!
Thomas, I got one!
Keep capping. Break right above the water line.
Relax, pilgrim.
I relax.
Suragit!
McKinney!
Hallelujah, boys. I think we're gonna make it.
Actually, I have no doubt about it,
or, I should say, very little.
Higgins, will you quit talking and tell me what to do?
I can't very well stop talking and still tell you what to do.
Higgins, please.
I remember the first time I was forced to transfuse blood in this manner.
Korea, '51.
Turkish chap had been cut down from behind by a sniper.
We were pinned down for two days in a frozen rice paddy
and I was well aware, of course, that he would succumb from blood loss,
if I didn't do something.
Fortunately, I saw on his tag that we had the same blood type,
as I do with Rick,
so I proceeded to sterilize an immature stalk of bamboo.
Needless to say... - Higgins.
All right, Magnum.
Begin sucking on the end of the reed
as if you were siphoning gasoline from an automobile,
a procedure I'm sure you've performed many times.
Aren't you in a lot of pain?
Have you started the flow?
Got it.
Good.
Now, prepare Rick's arm for the other end.
Just stick it in?
In the big vein.
Turn it just a little bit.
All right.
Got it, I think.
Good.
Remove the reed in four hours.
That should allow a sufficient amount.
Then what do we do for him? What about the bullet?
As far as I can tell after examining him,
the bullet is fine where it is.
Doesn't appear to be near any vital organs or the lungs or spine.
As I'm sure you well know, Mr. McKinney, the bullet was sterile,
pristinely so, when it left the rifle barrel,
so it doesn't pose any immediate danger where it is.
The only subsequent treatment we can offer Rick,
after stemming the initial loss of blood,
is to keep the wound free of dirt to prevent infection and fever,
and do everything we can to make him stronger.
Rest and chicken soup.
Precisely.
Which my daughter, Nata Ying, will gladly offer.
Thank you.
And thank you for the hospitality of your village.
Welcome to Ban Li.
May your mission be a successful one.
Did you want to see the helicopter now?
You got it, buddy.
You gonna be okay?
In a few hours I'll be ready to join in and do my part.
I think you already have.
Oh, yeah, about that guy from Turkey...
Corporal Ervacet.
He was unfortunately killed by the same sniper two days later
as we were being evacuated.
Pity.
T. C: Where'd you find this chopper?
I didn't find it. Our friends here did.
They've kindly offered to loan it to us.
Where'd they get it?
From us.
Chopper.
This thing must have been here...
Ten years, I'd say.
Hey, listen, I'm an airplane pilot.
I don't know a thing about slicks.
If I could have fixed it myself, I would've done so.
If I told you guys it needed fixing, you probably wouldn't be here.
Well, that's just real astute of you, Tyler.
Nothing changes much, does it?
Except the truth every now and then, when it suits.
I'm sorry.
I just didn't want convincing you guys any tougher on me than it already was.
Now, I say we go on from here and do our job.
Our job?
Our job, Tyler, includes checking and repacking with grease every fitting,
rebuilding the fuel pump, getting the electrical system started and working,
checking every moving part to see if it's either cracked or dried out,
and finding, God knows where, some hydraulic fluid.
And that's just for starters!
Because if there's any gas in that tank,
it's gotta be purified.
Well, hell, why don't we just quit now and go on home?
Back to paradise. Bye, bye, bye...
No.
We're not going back to paradise.
Not just yet,
because Rick can't be moved.
You want to sit around and wait?
No, we're not gonna wait.
Higgins stays here with Rick. T.C., too.
He fixes this thing, if he can.
And you and me...
We go after J.J.
Out of sight.
How much further?
Another couple of clicks, straight ahead.
We go in, we go out before breakfast.
No hassle.
You keep looking around. You seeing something I'm not?
I don't know.
It's more like I sense something.
It's the action.
I think someone's behind us.
Well, in that case, I'm not worried a bit.
Really hard times are in front of us.
The only ones behind us are Suragit and your pals. Let's go.
All right, now, there's a Vietnamese outpost
about another click straight ahead down the road.
It's probably garrisoned by no more than a squad.
That's probably where they got J.J.
Let's go find out.
Wait a sec.
Before we do,
there's just one other thing we ought to take care of while we're here.
What?
Magnum.
Higgins!
I'm glad I caught up with you before the excitement started.
But even if I hadn't,
I certainly would have been useful as cover for your retreat.
Be that as it may...
Be that as it may, how the hell did you catch up to us?
Last time I saw you, you were flat on your back
with plants hanging out of you.
Rand McNally, remember?
My shortcut eliminated at least three hours from the trek.
If you had only consulted...
Well, that's just great, Higgins.
Why are you here?
I wasn't going to get cheated.
Yeah?
Well, looks like we're all gonna get cheated.
Right here and now.