When I'm working on a case I'm kind of a lone wolf.
Do you supply a gun or should I bring my own?
This may be the only time in my life I get to go under cover.
What the hell is this? You're trying to inhale my fiancé.
I cannot believe that a hot shot P.I. like you
is gonna wimp out on me.
I'm not wimping out.
Rita! Jump!
- [SCREAMS] - Go!
[GUN FIRES]
MAGNUM: I have always been a believer in seeking fresh experiences,
learning new things.
My grandfather used to say,
"We should pattern our lives after fish.
"If you don't keep swimming, you die."
Now, I support every creature's right to self-fulfillment.
But anything can be overdone.
[DOG BARKING]
All right, Higgins, you got me.
Maybe you have succeeded in teaching them a couple of basic hand signals.
I have taught them the complete Forbes-Davies Silent Sentry System.
Thirty-four distinct, unvoiced commands.
But there is one big flaw in your Forbes-Davies, Higgins.
What if someone gives them a different command?
When the lads are working, you don't exist for them, Magnum.
Unless I happen to designate you as prey.
Prey?
Prey, Higgins?
Don't you think I should know this prey signal?
Frankly, you should know the whole system,
but you'll undoubtedly shirk your duty to learn it.
Shirk? I don't shirk, Higgins.
Really? Two weekends ago, you promised to assist me
with the new members party for the Anglo-Hawaiian Investment Club,
but you went spear fishing instead.
That was not shirking, that was forgetting.
I'd been wanting to go spear fishing for six months.
When the opportunity presented itself,
it simply drove everything else out of my head.
A remarkably easy feat.
[INTERCOM BUZZING]
Yes?
MAN: Uh, Benny Travis to see Magnum.
[GROWLING]
Precisely.
Come on, Higgins, Benny's not such a bad guy.
Come to the main house, Benny.
How you can maintain a relationship with someone
who is undoubtedly the absolute dregs of your profession
is beyond human comprehension.
Benny performs a valuable service.
Someone has to take those disgusting little cases
that lead through all the sewers in Honolulu.
Besides, he's given me some good tips.
[DOGS GROWLING]
[DOGS STOP GROWLING]
He's undoubtedly come to you to secure an unsecured loan,
which you'll undoubtedly try to borrow from me,
which I will undoubtedly refuse.
You know, Higgins, smugness is not one of your endearing qualities.
[KNOCKING]
Magnum, thank God you're here.
Hi, Benny.
Hi, Hig.
So, Benny,
how's it going?
How's it going? Is this a month or what?
I been chasing this wandering hubby,
and my motor burns out.
And then I'm tailing this broad for three days
and I find out the broad I'm tailing is the sister of the broad
- [DOGS GROWLING] - I'm supposed to be tailing.
And then, to top it off, two of my three clients
stiffed me with bad checks. That's how it's going.
Well, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, Benny.
Actually, I haven't been doing so well myself.
Ah, too bad, 'cause you know, I turned it around.
I mean, I got a great job, cash on the barrelhead.
Oh, yeah?
So you don't need any financial help?
BENNY: No way. In fact...
[STUTTERING] I'm on the job now.
That's why I'm here.
Come on, call them off.
Cut it out, Higgins. Put them outside.
Quit being such a sore loser.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Say, is Robin Masters around?
Well, that's a good question, Benny.
See, I have this theory that...
You know perfectly well Mr. Masters is in Europe.
Oh. Sorry, Benny, no introduction today.
BENNY: Oh, that's all right, you've done enough for me.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins, in the absence of Robin Masters,
I'm officially serving you these court documents
pertaining to a lawsuit filed by Chester Bixby
against you and the Masters estate.
Lawsuit?
What on earth are you talking about?
Couple of weeks ago, at a party here.
Mr. Bixby tripped over a loose piece of carpeting and fell.
Oh, that chap.
He said he was fine. It was just a little accident.
Well, now he's claiming hidden back injuries,
pain and suffering, mental stress.
Two million dollars' worth. It's all in the documents.
And thanks for letting me into this fortress.
I could have never got in here without you.
See ya.
Thanks again.
Mr. Travis. I have one question.
How are you planning to get from this doorstep to your car?
[DOGS GROWLING]
Oh, wait! Wait a minute!
Hey! Open the door!
All right, how was I supposed to know why he came here?
- [DOGS BARKING] - [BENNY YELLING]
It's not only this! If you'd been at the party as you promised,
this Bixby fellow would never had attempted that cheap charade.
- [TIRES SQUEALING] - How do you know it was a charade?
I know.
And since you're in charge of security here, it's your job to prove it.
Wait a minute. Wait just a minute!
How come every time there's a crummy job to be done,
I'm in charge of security?
But every time there's big money to be spent
or credit to be taken, you're in charge of security?
Because that is the order of the universe.
T.C.: Macadamia nuts?
You want me to fly you all the way to Maui for a jar of Macadamia nuts?
Of course not. There's also pork rinds and potato chips, snacks for the trip.
I'm talking camaraderie here, T.C., not commerce.
Sorry, comrade, I'm booked. Day one of a five-day charter.
What's the big emergency on Maui anyway?
I have to locate a flopper.
A flopper, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
You don't have to go to Maui for that.
All you have to do is get one of Rick's girlfriends in a string bikini.
A guy who takes falls in public, T.C., and then sues for fake injuries.
- A flopper. - Flopper?
Wasn't that the name of the rabbit in Bambi?
No, no, no. Flopper, the evil twin of Flipper.
That's not funny, T.C., it's not funny at all.
This guy's putting the squeeze on a friend of ours.
Who?
Higgins.
Thought you said it was a friend of ours.
I tracked this guy, Bixby, to a local hotel,
they said he's visiting Maui.
Couldn't we just hop on over before you clients get here?
I don't have the time, nor the appetite.
Well, that's it, then. You're forcing me into it.
- There's no alternative. - What?
I'll have to do it. I don't want to do it.
I don't think it's completely my fault.
I think you will have to share some of the blame.
Blame?
Blame for what?
Well, I'll have to sign up for one of those
three-day, two-night Maui excursions
with the money-back guarantee and then,
once I get there and do my business,
I'll have to lie about being dissatisfied and get my money back.
That's disgusting.
- How'd you think of it? - Benny Travis told me.
He takes all his vacations that way.
[CAR HONKING]
Looks like you've definitely got a paying client this time.
Yeah.
Some big wheeler-dealer from the mainland.
- Hi. - T.C.: Hi.
One of you my pilot?
Uh, me. Theodore Calvin.
Welcome to Island Hoppers.
Oh, this is, uh, Thomas Magnum.
He's my head of security.
Hi, Joe Hatten, president of E&N Industries.
You heard of me.
Uh, no, sorry.
I was in the Times last month.
- Joe. - What?
Everyone's been introduced but...
Well, you got a mouth, you wanna talk, talk.
Hi, I'm Rita Parks, Joe's fiancé.
Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
- You have such a lovely island... - Okay, okay, can it, huh?
I'm in garbage.
Of course, nowadays everybody wants to call it waste management,
but it's garbage, plain and simple.
Yeah, so is this security business.
Excuse me.
I ain't ashamed of what I do.
Hell, I dropped out of ninth grade to work on a garbage truck.
Six years later, I owned the whole damn route.
Now, I'm the biggest garbage man on the East Coast.
Uh, congratulations.
I'm over here to check out your problems, and you got plenty.
If you don't get some new landfill sites in the next couple of years,
you're all gonna be up to your butts in wet garbage.
No kidding.
Maybe I should try to corner the market on hip boots, huh?
[LAUGHING]
Hip boots, that's pretty good, Magnum.
So, you're head of security around here, huh?
I got one question.
What the hell have you got to secure?
Oh, uh...
Thomas just works for me part-time.
He's one of the best private investigators on the island.
You're a detective?
Uh, private investigator.
Like on TV?
Well it's not really like that, not all the time.
- Oh. - Oh, he's just being modest.
In fact, he's working on a really big case right now.
It's not really a big case, it's just a standard, uh,
somewhat exotic, case.
Oh, you're a detective in Hawaii.
Do you realize you have one of the most exotic jobs in the whole world?
Oh, come on, tell us something about one of your cases.
JOE: No, we got to go.
Just because your head's already floating around in the clouds
don't mean ours are.
Okay, uh...
I'm ready if you are.
Yeah, I should be going, too.
Listen, uh, those excursion flights leave pretty early.
- Joe, nice to meet you. - Same here.
Bye-bye.
No glamour, huh?
Rita, get your tail in this helicopter,
or you're gonna walk back to the hotel.
MAGNUM: One of the pleasanter after-effects
of nearly meeting your maker
is a renewed sense of the value of all life,
of every creature's right to realize its full potential.
In fact, I was quite pleased recently
when I managed to avoid stepping on an ordinary garden snail.
Pleased that it could crawl on to fulfill its full garden snail potential.
- So you are here. - Higgins.
I assumed you would be out working on the case.
- Don't you ever knock? - You've got company.
Hi.
Oh, such a nice place you got here.
HIGGINS: Are you all right, Magnum?
You seem a little distracted lately.
Huh? Uh, I... No, I'm fine.
You got this whole big estate and you live in the bungalow?
Well, it's cozier here, it's, uh, more comfortable.
What brings you here, Rita?
JOE: I do!
Oh, it's Joe. You're with Joe.
I know.
JOE: Hey, those two Dobermans are dynamite.
I taught them to fetch my wallet.
Bet they could do a real job on a burglar, huh?
Indeed.
Zeus and Apollo are the best trained canine sentries on this island.
Zeus and Apollo?
Don't you think those names are a little poofy for attack dogs?
- Poofy? - Higgins,
the sooner that, uh, we finish our business here,
the sooner I can take care of that other matter.
Very well.
Perhaps the lads and I will see you again.
Good night.
English butlers are always so snooty.
I'd dump the guy, Magnum.
Yeah, well, he's been here for years. I wouldn't feel right about it.
HIGGINS: Well done, Zeus. Now, watch me carefully.
Listen, can I get you a...
Magnum, we need to talk.
Did you solve your case today?
Uh, sure. Uh, not yet.
Oh, I ain't the type to beat around the bush, Magnum, so, uh, here it is.
Did you get in any gun battles or, like, fistfights?
Uh, no, I fired a couple of warning shots at the teller who short-changed me but...
- [DOG BARKING] - HIGGINS: Steady on, Apollo.
Rita here is tired of flying around looking at landfill sites.
Oh, I'll bet you had some great chases in that sports car.
Hey, can it, will you? Can't you see I'm trying to talk business here?
As I was saying, she keeps yapping about this private detective racket.
So, uh, I was wondering if maybe, uh...
Maybe she could tag along with you for a couple of days.
No offense, Joe, I...
That's not a good idea.
See, Rita, when I'm working on a case, I'm kind of a lone wolf.
I'll pay you 600 a day.
$600?
A day.
Well...
HIGGINS: Rip and shred, lads, destroy the enemy!
Rip and shred!
[DOGS GROWLING]
Uh, that's a very generous offer.
But, I mean, if it was another case with another client...
I just can't. No, I... No, I can't.
Hey, no problem. I wouldn't do it if I were you.
Just because her yammering is driving me nuts,
is no reason you should go through it.
Didn't I tell you it was a dumb idea, that he'd never go for it?
Let's get out of here.
Guess I'm just being stupid again.
No, wait a minute, now.
- HIGGINS: Destroy the enemy. - What the heck.
Even a lone wolf could use some good company now and then.
You'll do it?
[EXCLAIMS]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
All right, yeah, okay.
That's more like it.
So, Magnum, what changed your mind?
A garden snail.
This is so great.
Do you supply a gun or should I bring my own?
[CAMERA CLICKS]
So that's Chester Bixby.
In person.
I wish he'd have stayed on Maui. He ruined my trip.
Yeah, but Rita,
this makes our investigation easier.
Now, all we have to do is be patient.
It'll probably be a long surveillance,
but eventually, if we're lucky, we'll catch him pulling a phony fall, see?
Hey, you think he's packing heat?
No, I don't think so, some Bengay, maybe.
Yeah, there he is. Yeah, I thought so.
He's down by the dairy products.
He'll probably spill something on the floor and pretend to slip in it.
That makes the store more liable. Poor maintenance.
WOMAN OVER P.A.: Can I get a price check on seven, please?
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. They're having this special on water chestnuts.
It's my favorites.
- You like Chinese food? - I love it.
You know, I grew up down the street from the only Chinese restaurant in Olathe.
Olathe?
Kansas? You're from Kansas?
Yeah.
Me and Dorothy and Toto, too.
Yeah, I was the skinniest, buck-toothed kid from the wrong side of the tracks
until I hit about fifteen or so, and then...
Then, guys wanted to do things for me, buy things for me.
Yeah, I can imagine.
Uh, you didn't meet, uh, Joe in Olathe?
No, Kansas City.
You see, I was a cocktail waitress at a private club.
One night, these two city officials came in, they were drunk.
They started hassling me, and Joe shows up, like, right out of the blue.
And he threatened to bust their heads open and then get them fired.
'Cause you know what, he had the mayor's home phone number.
I couldn't believe it.
Your knight in shining armor, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
You like oranges?
Uh-huh.
I love oranges.
I'm gonna grab us a couple.
Let me see.
You know, I don't know why they have to put the good ones on the bottom.
No!
You can't fool around on a surveillance mission.
If you draw attention to yourself, the whole assignment is over,
understand?
Sixty-two dollars worth of bruised oranges.
Oh, just put it on your expense report.
Joe expects me to do things like this.
I'm always wrecking cars, I drop vases, spill oranges.
It's not just that, Rita. We blew our surveillance.
Bixby's long gone.
All we can do now is go back and hang around his hotel till he shows up.
- There he is! - What?
No kidding.
This must be our lucky day.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
RITA: Oh, my God!
[WHOOPING]
RITA: Oh, my God! He's hit! He's dead!
No, he's not. This is his scam. Come on.
Are you trying to say he did that on purpose?
Yeah! He picks out an expensive car,
he does a stuntman's roll over the hood,
and he'll sue the driver blind.
- He's hurt. - Don't worry, he's fine.
He's dead. Somebody call the police.
Oh.
[PANTING]
Uh, come on, let's go back to the car.
No, no. I got to get used to stuff like this.
- We got a job to do. - What job?
We got to search that body for clues.
- Rita... - You know, like...
Like a matchbook, or a little piece of paper with a phone number on it,
or a little black book, you know, clues.
Rita, this is a major felony. The police are coming.
How could anybody possibly search this body
for clues in front of all these witnesses?
RITA: Chester! Oh, baby!
Chester! Oh, my God, Chester, baby!
MAGNUM: Excuse me, uh, I'm a friend of the family.
No, that's okay, Phoebe, come on.
Come on, Phoebe. No, it's all right.
It's fine, come on. Come on. No, don't do that.
Come on, have a good cry, that's all right, there we go.
What are you doing and what did you take out of his pocket?
Pretty slick, huh?
No, you're tampering with evidence.
You're gonna get us both arrested.
Okay, fine. I'll put it back.
No, wait. Never mind. Let's go.
Right, it's the Sunset Harbor Club.
No, we're going to your hotel.
Now, listen, Rita, the case is over, it's lying back there on the road.
But he just got murdered, or manslaughtered or something.
Well, uh, that's a police matter.
I was hired to stop him from filing a false lawsuit. That's all.
I cannot believe that a hot shot P.I. like you
is gonna wimp out on me.
I'm not wimping out.
I'm behaving like a professional private investigator.
If you wanna quit, fine, quit.
I will continue the investigation on my own.
Taxi!
Rita.
You're being silly about this.
I'm not gonna run after you.
I mean it!
MAGNUM: Enthusiasm can be a very attractive quality.
But Rita had too much of a good thing.
She reminded me of Minnie Minoso playing baseball.
Once while trying to make a diving catch,
he slid head first into the outfield wall and fractured his skull.
But not that Rita was in any kind of physical danger.
The chances of her making any contact
with authentic criminal types were microscopic, infinitesimal.
You came! I knew it, I knew you wouldn't desert me, I knew it.
Shh. Okay, now remember, I'm just doing this to humor you.
A professional private investigator would never
waste his time on a long shot like this, here.
What's this?
That's the surveillance photos of Bixby.
I mean, if you're gonna ask questions about somebody,
you got to learn to do it right.
- No half measures. - I'll remember that.
Welcome, what can I get you?
Uh, Old Dusseldorf in a long neck.
Coming right up.
Say, you've brightened up this young lady.
What's your secret?
It's simple. We're on our honeymoon!
BARTENDER: No wonder. Congratulations. This round's on me.
Say, you're a lucky guy to grab a looker like this.
Bet she can cook, too.
Oh, she's full of surprises.
[RITA SIGHS CONTENTLY]
What are you doing?
Look, this may be the only time in my life I get to go under cover.
I want to play a role.
Besides,
is being married to me so unbelievable?
No, no. Never mind.
Just take this photo, uh...
This one of Bixby, and ask if anybody recognizes him.
And remember, never lie unless you absolutely have to.
Never lie.
- BARTENDER: Cheers. - Hi.
My cousin lives in the neighborhood.
I hear he comes in here a lot.
His name's Chester or Chet. You recognize him?
He doesn't look familiar.
, Hmm, well
I guess I got my neighborhoods confused.
WOMAN: Two Mai Tais and a scotch and soda.
[SIGHS]
Like I said, a complete waste of time.
Yes, this is definitely the guy.
Four nights ago, he fell in the men's room,
claimed there was dried soap on the floor.
Said he was gonna sue, made a big fuss.
And the employees here now saw that?
Most of them. I'll tell you something else,
that guy was lying.
When I scrub a floor, there's no damn soap left on it!
No, I'm sure there's not. Thanks a lot, uh...
Martha.
So long shots sometimes do pay off.
Well, that's unbelievable.
It's completely unbelievable.
Of course, all it really proves is that
Bixby's trying to pull a scam on other people here in Hawaii.
But it would definitely help our case.
If we had a case, which we don't.
We're making up a new one.
Why are all these people lying about recognizing Bixby?
Maybe the owner told everybody to shut up because of the lawsuit.
No, no. Uh-uh.
I'm not getting sucked into this. Come on, let's go.
Come on. No way.
Martha.
One more question. Who owns this place?
Officially, a company called CBE Enterprises.
But the rumor is...
A boxer?
No, a mobster.
MAGNUM: We're awfully late, Rita, and from what I've seen,
I'd bet Joe has a real Irish temper.
Yeah, but I can handle him.
MAGNUM: I'm just saying that you should be prepared for the possibility that
Joe might, well... Who knows what he might do?
RITA: Don't be silly. All I have to do is be perky.
Joe loves it when I am perky.
[KNOCKING]
Where the hell have you been?
Joe, I had the best time.
And I had dinner reservations 45 minutes ago! I'm starving!
I'm sorry, Joe.
Look, I took Rita to the other side of the island, and
we got involved. In something.
A crime, Joe! There was this crook, got hit by a car,
I found a clue, and then I found a witness, there were police...
Clam up, will you? I don't care about none of that.
I care about your being here when I say so.
Or I ain't footing the bill for this.
I understand, Joe,
and you're right, but it's my fault Rita's late.
She drove you nuts, huh?
What'd she do? Blow the whole case?
No, I didn't.
Nobody's talking to you.
Can't you see the guy's begging to be rid of you?
Now, wait a minute, Joe, that's not strictly true.
Rita was very helpful.
Call it luck, call it good fortune, but, uh...
The point is she had a knack for making the right move today.
Wait, wait a minute.
Are you saying you want her to stay on the case with you?
Well, yes, I do.
Not that it's gonna be as easy as it was today, Rita.
Don't worry, coach.
When you're hot, you're hot.
Are you saying you've been squiring this young woman around town
instead of working on my case?
Your case?
Your case, Higgins? Not Robin Masters' case?
What're you writing there?
Stop trying to distract me from your malfeasance.
You can't be doing a proper investigative job
if you're entertaining some woman.
Oh, but I can, Higgins. In fact, your case is settled.
Now, isn't this the next great Robin Masters masterpiece?
What do you mean the case is settled? Already?
Absolutely. I can guarantee you
that Chester Bixby will not pursue his lawsuit against you or the estate.
Why not?
He's dead. He was run over by a car this morning.
Well, Magnum, I must say, while I appreciate your enthusiasm,
having him sign a release would have been quite sufficient.
Ha.
That's a lot of garbage.
T.C.: Ten square miles of it. And I've hovered over every inch.
Talk about smell.
Hey. How high up can you smell it?
- What? - 1,000 feet? 5,000 feet?
What difference does that make?
Well, you know, guys bet on weird things sometimes.
A little inside info can't hurt.
[CHUCKLES]
So, what do you think about Joe Hatten, T.C.?
He's okay.
Kind of a loudmouth, likes to talk about how much he's made
and how well-connected he is on the mainland.
[T.C. CLEARS THROAT]
But I think you're having a much better time with his young lady friend.
Let me guess, she's gorgeous, right?
And friendly. Whoo!
All right, now, hold it right there.
Rita is a client. We have a purely professional relationship.
Kind of like a doctor and a patient.
Right.
"Come into my office, my dear, and disrobe,
and we'll discuss the case."
That is... That is not what I meant.
I mean, she's a sweet girl but she's a little too intense for my taste.
You know, I had to lie about having an emergency dental appointment
just to get this little break.
Oh, I'd better go if I want to get in a round of golf.
Besides, Joe might want to go up this afternoon.
- See you. - All right.
That's not fair, Rick. A client's a client. Period. So...
- could you... - I need...
- Go ahead. - No, no, no, you go first.
All right.
Look, Thomas, I need a favor, but you got to promise me it's gonna be a secret.
And what's the problem?
Bugs.
I found one the size of a St. Bernard crawling across my face this morning.
Yeah?
Thomas, do you remember when you borrowed that fumigation equipment
to go undercover?
You knew what you were doing with that stuff, right?
Well, sure, but why don't you just hire a professional exterminator?
What, are you kidding? Don't you know what those guys do?
They come in your house and they spray a bunch of phony insecticide around,
then they plant a whole bunch of new bugs all over the place.
Rick, why would they do that?
Because they tell you you have infestation
and that it's gonna take years of treatment to get rid of it
and mucho loot.
Come on, admit it, it's not the money, it's the bugs!
Well, uh, either way, I mean... Hey, look,
you're the only one I trust. You got to do this for me, Thomas.
Oh, boy.
That's a pretty messy job, and I'm...
Oh, boy, I'm really very busy. I got it.
I might be able to squeeze it in
if you could check out a company named CBE Enterprises.
I'm taking off like a toupee in a hurricane. How soon can you spray?
How about later today?
Oh, looks like you got them here, too, look!
[MAGNUM LAUGHING]
Thomas!
RITA: Do you really think the Sunset Harbor Club
is owned by mobsters?
Well, Martha thinks so, and Rick should be able to tell us for sure.
Trust me.
Don't you think approaching him like this is a little weird?
No. It'll be great. He'll love it.
See, Rick is really afraid of bugs,
and everybody knows that fear makes things funnier.
You just wait.
[MAGNUM LAUGHING] This'll be a scream.
Come on, Rick, where'd you go?
- Oh, my God! - What?
I just realized why he's not answering the door.
The mobsters must've found out we were onto them,
and they came here to shut Rick up. He's dead!
That's ridiculous.
He's probably out by the pool.
RITA: Yeah?
You said Bixby was alive, too.
I'm telling you, Rita, he's not dead!
Rick!
Hey, hey, what's going on? Get away from me!
[SCREAMING]
- Help! Jeez! What? - Rick, Rick, it's me, Thomas!
What are you? Some kind of nut? What're you trying to do, Thomas?
- Save your life! - You idiot!
MAGNUM: It was just meant to be a little joke, that's all.
- It snowballed. - I told him it was weird.
- [MAGNUM LAUGHING] - Weird, huh?
Sick is more like it.
Oh, sure.
But it's perfectly normal to float face down in a swimming pool.
I had a date last night, damn it!
We went for a moonlight swim, and she lost a charm off of her necklace,
and I was trying to find it, okay?
Fine, fine.
A moonlight swim, see, that's really romantic.
Did you go skinny dipping?
What about CBE Enterprises?
Why should I tell you anything that I learned?
Rick, Thomas jumped in to save you because he cared.
Yeah.
Well, your source was right.
The real owner of CBE and the Sunset Harbor Club is Serge Burgos.
Serge Burgos?
Wait a minute, is this a payback for the bug mask?
Hey, Thomas, I don't kid around about members of organized crime.
And all my sources gave me the same advice.
Stay away from this guy because he kills people for the fun of it.
So, what's next?
I think it's very unprofessional of you to stop our investigation early.
Rita, you heard what Rick said,
Serge Burgos is a career criminal, a mobster.
See, that's all the more reason that he should be caught.
Well, not by us. By the police, maybe.
What are we gonna tell them?
We don't even know why Burgos killed Chester Bixby.
Yes, we do. We do, maybe.
I think Burgos is using the Sunset Harbor Club
for some sort of illegal activity, drug distribution, probably,
and that's why he doesn't want to reveal his ownership.
What's this have to do with Bixby?
Bixby took the phony fall at the club. He threatened to sue.
The courts would've found out that Burgos was the owner,
- So... - So he killed him for that?
Because he happened to pull his little scam in the wrong men's room?
Gee, this guy plays rough.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
It's over.
End of lesson.
Okay, okay, okay.
Would you just do one more favor for me?
What, Rita?
Tell me the truth, Thomas.
You're not really giving up on this case,
you're just saying that to get rid of me.
That's not true.
I mean, these last two days have been the most thrilling of my life.
And it's not just because of the detective work.
It's because of being with you.
Well, that's nice of you...
JOE: Rita!
What the hell is this?
Joe, it's not what it looks like.
Oh, it's not?
Well, it looks like you're trying to inhale my fiancé.
Oh, please, Joe, please, it was just a little kiss.
Don't make a federal case...
I'll make any damn thing I want out of it!
I know a lot of big people in this town, Magnum.
People who could give you major problems.
And of course, there's Bart here.
There's nothing going on between Rita and me.
You got that right, 'cause you're out of here.
You're fired.
- Joe, no! - No that... It's okay.
It's really the best solution, believe me.
- Thomas... - I'm sorry, Joe.
Bye, Rita.
MAGNUM: I know what you're thinking.
If I had planned just to tell the police my suspicions
and forget about this case,
why was I wasting the day watching Serge Burgos cultivate skin cancer?
I'll tell you why.
Don Wagner.
When I was thirteen years old,
I played Don Wagner in the city tennis tournament.
He took private lessons at the country club,
and I just picked up the game in the park.
He made fun of my ground strokes while we were warming up,
and I knew I had to beat him.
So, I ran and dived and deked
and made impossibly lucky shots until I won.
Last night I realized I'd become the Don Wagner of private investigators.
Smug, complacent.
Rita was running and diving
and making impossibly lucky connections to build this case.
I needed to get back on her side of the net,
to try to close out the set for her.
Of course, the ideal thing would be to connect Burgos to the hit-and-run car,
but I knew that was pretty far-fetched.
So, I was probably wasting my time on a long shot,
but Rita deserved a couple of days of my time.
Besides, her long shots usually hit.
Rick!
What are you doing here?
You're gonna owe me two more fumigations for this little favor.
What?
What do you think, it's easy to get good body mike equipment
at such short notice?
Body mike?
Very smart of you to have Rita talk me into it.
At least you could have told me that her boyfriend was that mobster's buddy.
Thomas, I might have said something in front of her.
Joe and Burgos are friends?
I know that now.
But I'm not so sure I should have let her wear that wire to dinner with Burgos.
She's wearing a wire? Right now?
- I do nice work, I mean... - Of all the stupid...
You should have asked me first!
Well, you might have said you're welcome!
MAGNUM: There's one major drawback to running and diving
and going full tilt at a criminal investigation.
Sometimes the thrill of the chase
leads to a reckless disregard for your own welfare.
Partly because of me,
Rita was crossing that line.
SERGE [OVER WIRE]: Here's our table, right over here.
Hold it, Joe. Where's your couth?
It's supposed to be boy-girl-boy-girl.
JOE: ...and this city councilman was crucifying me
because he said my trucks made too much noise in the early morning.
So, what did you do?
That night I dumped six truckloads on his front lawn,
and he slept through it like a baby.
RITA: Joe, I want to hear everything Mr. Burgos has to say.
[LAUGHING]
Joe tells me you own some real estate, Mr. Burgos.
Do you own any nightclubs?
No.
Shopping centers, mainly.
Why do you ask?
Oh, no reason. I like nightclubs.
I think they're fun.
- BODYGUARD: Hey! - No, excuse me, excuse me.
JOE: What're you doing here?
I don't mean to interrupt your dinner,
I just need to speak to Rita for just a minute.
About what?
About that surprise that I was arranging for Joe.
Oh, that. Well, um, I cancelled that.
I thought of something else.
Uh, that's not a very wise decision, Rita.
You heard her, Magnum, clear out.
I really think you should reconsider, Rita.
All right, uh, you've had your say.
Please leave quietly, or I'll have you removed.
- What's his story? - Name's Magnum.
Just some bozo P.I. I hired to entertain Rita.
That's private investigator.
A P.I, huh?
You sure that was a good idea?
I'm sure it was a terrible idea.
He takes her on this simple little tail job,
and the guy they're shadowing gets run down at some shopping center.
Yeah, poor old Mr. Johnson, and 84 years old.
What're you babbling about? He was younger than that.
Name was Pixley or Benchley, something like that.
You know, I just realized I do have to talk to Thomas.
Like hell you do!
Joe, let go of me or I'll drown you.
You're a real bimbo, you know that?
[HONKING]
Thomas, Joe told Burgos about the case!
I heard. Let's go!
They have to be taken care of.
- Both of them. - Hey, it's out of my hands!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
This is great!
[GUN FIRES]
Well, come on, let's shoot back. Where's your gun?
Where's yours?
Yeah, right. A concealed weapon in this dress? You've got to be kidding!
- Where is it? - At the estate.
[GUN FIRES]
No gun?
A detective with no gun?
It's private investigator!
[TIRE POPS]
Come on, find them! Find them!
[HONKING]
JOE: Rita!
Rita! Jump!
I ain't talking to you, Joe Hatten, till you take back calling me a bimbo.
He didn't mean it!
JOE: Rita, jump!
All right, I'm sorry I called you a bimbo. Jump, damn it!
Oh, that truck's full of garbage.
[RITA EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
Rita, they got guns.
[GUN FIRES]
Let's go!
Go!
JOE: It's the same song whenever I come to a new city.
There's always a guy like Burgos.
I have to wine and dine him, and then pay him off
so I don't have trouble with my equipment or the unions.
It's outrageous to have to deal with such men.
Hey, that's the business.
But I did sort of enjoy seeing Burgos draw some hard time.
You know, Higgins, Magnum's got himself one sweet layout here.
You must enjoy working for him.
It's an experience.
As you can see, Mr. Magnum takes an inordinate
pride in his dedication to the horticultural arts.
Yeah.
If he ever wants to sell this'd make a hell of a landfill.
[DOGS GROWLING]
[DOGS STOP GROWLING]
I think not.
You know, Thomas, before all this,
the biggest accomplishment in my life was carrying a tray of drinks
across a bar while being propositioned once and pinched three times.
I wasn't half bad with this detective stuff, was I?
Oh, you were much better than that.
All you needed was
a little push.
I'm not gonna forget that.
I'm not gonna forget any of it.
You know, Thomas, you're the first guy I ever met who treated me nice
and didn't ask for anything in return.
Thank you.
JOE: Rita!
What do you think you're doing?
Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. It was just that I felt...
Joe, you're treating me like a child again. I'm a person.
I'm an adult human being.
Now, you want me to stay with you,
you start treating me like an adult.
Otherwise, I'm coming back here
and I'm gonna become partners with Thomas.
She's right, Joe.
We made quite a team. Rita's got great potential.
Don't give me that. Do I look stupid or something?
This next case should be a good one, Rita.
It seems our client believes a famous author
is having all his books ghost-written by a family servant.
[DOGS GROWLING]