1 00:00:00,920 --> 00:00:03,450 So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:05,920 "Oh, my god. There's something in the basement. 3 00:00:05,990 --> 00:00:08,160 Let me just run down there in my underwear 4 00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:09,590 and see what's going on, in the dark." 5 00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:12,530 And you're like, "What is your problem?! Call the police!" 6 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,330 And she's like, "Okay," But it's too late, 7 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,100 Because she's already getting murdered. 8 00:00:16,170 --> 00:00:19,370 Well, uh... my story's kind of like that. 9 00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:22,740 It's a surprise for Spencer. 10 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,650 I'm just gonna walk in, and I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. 11 00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,320 He says he has this fantasy 12 00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:29,850 that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold 13 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,140 and he's helping me put myself through college. 14 00:00:32,190 --> 00:00:34,120 He didn't say the college part, did he? 15 00:00:34,170 --> 00:00:37,230 Um, no. I-I wanted to create a 3-dimensional sex character. 16 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,350 Really? What's your stripper name? 17 00:00:39,410 --> 00:00:42,720 Uh... Rebecca Johnson. 18 00:00:42,770 --> 00:00:45,160 Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? 19 00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:48,100 Boobies Johnson. T-two boobs Johnson. 20 00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:51,350 Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. 21 00:00:51,650 --> 00:00:53,530 I am so proud of you. 22 00:00:57,950 --> 00:00:59,610 Hello? 23 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,320 I came home early. 24 00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:02,980 Jess! What... 25 00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:05,090 Who's Jess? 26 00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:07,940 You're talking to... 27 00:01:07,990 --> 00:01:09,100 Tiger Boobs. 28 00:01:14,970 --> 00:01:17,300 I'm doing sexy things 29 00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:19,140 With a pillow 30 00:01:19,390 --> 00:01:20,080 This... 31 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,870 She's doin' sexy stuff 32 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,230 To the plant right... 33 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:24,150 Okay. 34 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,960 I'll pick that up later 35 00:01:27,190 --> 00:01:29,480 Who's that girl?? 36 00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:34,630 Who's that g-I-I-I-irl? 37 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,150 It's Jess! 38 00:01:43,330 --> 00:01:45,000 That's why I need a new apartment. 39 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,020 I'm sorry. What was the question, again? 40 00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:50,140 Do you have any pets? 41 00:01:59,970 --> 00:02:01,320 You know, it's funny. 42 00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:03,850 When I saw your ad on craigslist, 43 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,990 I thought you were women. 44 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,640 Why would you think that? That's crazy. 45 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:10,720 I mean, well, I made the... 46 00:02:10,770 --> 00:02:11,660 Schmidt wrote the ad. 47 00:02:11,710 --> 00:02:14,220 Oh, I guess it was something about the words you used. 48 00:02:14,270 --> 00:02:16,070 It was like, uh, like... 49 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:18,900 "Sun-soaked and beige-y." 50 00:02:21,510 --> 00:02:22,500 What are you doing? 51 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:26,270 What about these? These look beige-y to you? 52 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,120 Sorry. 53 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:28,780 I'm his trainer, so, uh... 54 00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:31,000 It's kind of the house that Coach built right here. 55 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,690 What are we looking at here? That's baby-smooth. 56 00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:35,450 This is L.L.S.... "Ladies love Schmidt." 57 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:38,070 What?! What did you just say? 58 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,460 Go put a dollar in the jar right now. 59 00:02:39,510 --> 00:02:40,960 - Are you serious? - Yeah! Now! 60 00:02:41,010 --> 00:02:41,990 Damn it. 61 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,540 "L.L.S."? What is wrong with you? 62 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,530 This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. 63 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,770 Spencer hated light. 64 00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:52,780 It's hard to say his name. 65 00:02:52,830 --> 00:02:55,100 It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped. 66 00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:57,970 "Dumped"? Yeah, I got dumped. 67 00:02:58,020 --> 00:02:59,810 I can't hear you! That means we're not breaking up! 68 00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:01,520 - Yes, we're breaking up. - We can't break up if I can't hear you! 69 00:03:01,570 --> 00:03:02,670 I'm breaking up with you. 70 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:03,900 I need some time away... 71 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,010 Yeah, I got dumped. 72 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:07,520 She dumped me. 73 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:08,620 And I'm over it. 74 00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:11,120 Okay? It was six months ago, guys. 75 00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:12,320 Get past it! 76 00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:14,110 I don't even know why we're still talking about it! 77 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,780 Why is everybody looking at me?! 78 00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:21,650 You know what? I want to live here. 79 00:03:21,830 --> 00:03:23,740 Actually, I-I still have some questions. 80 00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:26,170 I mean, like, no offense, but we barely know you. 81 00:03:26,370 --> 00:03:26,690 Yeah, okay. Yeah. 82 00:03:26,890 --> 00:03:28,970 So, um... full disclosure. 83 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:32,200 I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup, 84 00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:34,530 So I'll probably be watching "Dirty Dancing" 85 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,120 at least six or seven times a day. 86 00:03:37,170 --> 00:03:38,320 Um, I'm a teacher, 87 00:03:38,370 --> 00:03:40,830 so I-I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, 88 00:03:41,030 --> 00:03:42,080 stuff like that. 89 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:44,780 Also, I like to sing to myself a lot. 90 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,350 A lot 91 00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:49,550 I'm tired of living with my friend. 92 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,590 She's a model. All her friends are models. 93 00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,230 Uh, how soon can you move in? 94 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,790 - Actually, Schmidt, slow up. - Not happening. 95 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,450 Okay, uh, can you give us a second? 96 00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,970 I just got to... got to talk to my boys. 97 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:00,910 "My boys" is not a thing around here. 98 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:02,810 - My bros, okay? - Okay, douchebag jar. 99 00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:04,320 For what? For "My bros"? 100 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:06,890 I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. 101 00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:08,590 Okay, you guys? Models. 102 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:09,680 I say no. 103 00:04:09,730 --> 00:04:12,830 I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, 104 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:13,540 and let my beans out! 105 00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:15,650 Nick, it's all you, buddy. 106 00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:17,520 Well, first, let me say 107 00:04:17,570 --> 00:04:19,410 I think you guys make some really interesting points, 108 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,360 Points that I respect, but I will say this. 109 00:04:21,410 --> 00:04:23,910 I have lived with a woman... Caroline, as you guys know... 110 00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:25,200 And so I know that there are pros 111 00:04:25,250 --> 00:04:26,650 and I know that there are real cons, guys. 112 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,420 Nick, you're weak! 113 00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:29,670 Okay, pro... they smell nice. 114 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:30,910 Cons... 115 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,850 Every once in a while, the mood changes, 116 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,280 and you're not sure why. 117 00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:35,630 They'll ruin your life if you let them. 118 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,920 They'll break down your will to live. 119 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:39,530 Pros... they're really good at folding. 120 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,080 - Make a decision! - I'm sorry. You know what? 121 00:04:41,130 --> 00:04:42,420 But, like, another pro... like, when you, like... 122 00:04:42,470 --> 00:04:44,610 Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Put it down. 123 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,840 Don't... don't hood me. 124 00:04:45,890 --> 00:04:46,900 You guys don't know what you're talking about. 125 00:04:46,950 --> 00:04:48,490 Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. 126 00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:49,620 Okay. I know what I'm talking about. 127 00:04:49,670 --> 00:04:50,680 Okay. Pushed him too hard. 128 00:04:50,730 --> 00:04:51,510 We did pushed him too hard. Damn it. 129 00:04:51,710 --> 00:04:54,360 How about this? Executive decision... she's in. 130 00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:56,110 Yay! I'm in! 131 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,370 You are not gonna regret this. 132 00:05:15,050 --> 00:05:17,100 What have you done, Schmidt? 133 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,290 I got to go mom. 134 00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:26,720 No, I'm not watching "Dirty Dancing." 135 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,260 No, I don't think so. 136 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,120 Hey, are you gonna murder me 137 00:05:32,170 --> 00:05:34,010 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet? 138 00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:34,880 Yes, I am. 139 00:05:34,930 --> 00:05:36,170 He says no. 140 00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:38,750 No, look, I got to go, okay? 141 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,520 All right. Love you. Bye. 142 00:05:40,570 --> 00:05:42,190 So, the wild west party's on Saturday. 143 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,190 I'm trying to get us in, but... 144 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,180 You may need to call Caroline. 145 00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:47,100 I'm not calling caroline. 146 00:05:47,150 --> 00:05:48,430 - Now, hear me out... - Shh! 147 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:52,100 Had the time of my life 148 00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:54,490 We are in this situation because of you. 149 00:05:54,540 --> 00:05:56,920 I hate your face, Spencer! I love you! 150 00:05:56,970 --> 00:05:59,270 It has been a week of this madness. 151 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,270 I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it. 152 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,220 You know what? I got this. 153 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,800 Hi, Coach. 154 00:06:08,930 --> 00:06:10,130 Stop it. 155 00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:12,110 Stop! 156 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,090 Schmidt! 157 00:06:14,350 --> 00:06:15,690 Okay. All right. 158 00:06:15,740 --> 00:06:17,890 I got us into this. I'm gonna get us out. 159 00:06:18,340 --> 00:06:20,440 Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. 160 00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:23,430 All right. All right. Hey, Jess. 161 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:24,760 How you doin'? 162 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,250 Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? 163 00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:28,610 You know, after work. 164 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,910 You know, we'll fix you up. We'll take you out. 165 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,500 We'll get you a rebound. 166 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,090 A rebound? 167 00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:35,020 Yeah. 168 00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:37,170 I don't know if I'm ready. 169 00:06:37,220 --> 00:06:38,550 You're totally ready for it. 170 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,300 I'll take you through the whole thing. 171 00:06:40,350 --> 00:06:42,080 You know, I'll be... I'll be like your guide. 172 00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:45,400 Like Gandalf through middle earth? 173 00:06:45,930 --> 00:06:46,940 Probably not like... 174 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,480 Okay, first of all, let's just... 175 00:06:48,530 --> 00:06:50,360 Let's take the "Lord of the rings" references... 176 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,490 Let's put them in a deep, dark cave, okay, 177 00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:54,080 where no one's gonna find them... ever. 178 00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:55,480 Except Smeagol. 179 00:06:55,810 --> 00:06:57,140 He lives in a cave. 180 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:58,470 You know what, Jess? Come on. 181 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,400 Let's just take the head off the... off the couch. 182 00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:02,340 Come on. Sit up, girl. 183 00:07:02,390 --> 00:07:03,520 There you go. 184 00:07:03,570 --> 00:07:05,900 Look at that. Doesn't that feel good? 185 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:07,720 There we go. 186 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,220 I think that sounds nice. 187 00:07:11,110 --> 00:07:14,660 She's goin' out to find a rebound 188 00:07:14,710 --> 00:07:16,740 Who's that girl? It's Jess! 189 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,520 Wait. Did you just make up a theme song for yourself? 190 00:07:21,230 --> 00:07:22,550 I-I'm gonna fix it. 191 00:07:23,590 --> 00:07:26,800 I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. 192 00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:28,790 This party is everything to me. 193 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,990 Please, Nick. We go every year. 194 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,140 You have no idea what I'm going through at work. 195 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,780 I'm just trying to do my work! 196 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,170 I'm trying to do a good job here! 197 00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:39,060 Nice tie. Can I borrow a tampon? 198 00:07:41,850 --> 00:07:44,230 - Schmidt, I'm not calling her. - Listen to me. 199 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,400 Knowing every year that I will be going 200 00:07:46,450 --> 00:07:48,710 to the wild wild west charity auction for poverty 201 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,780 reminds me that no matter what, I'm still a man. 202 00:07:50,830 --> 00:07:52,670 And I can still motorboat a hot girl 203 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,350 who is also a member of the cherokee nation, 204 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,070 Which is not racist, because it is for a good cause. 205 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,170 Somebody's in here! 206 00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,350 We're leaving in 10 minutes. Did you shave your legs? 207 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:02,640 I will now. 208 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,220 Front and backs? 209 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:05,890 - Yes. - Thank you. 210 00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:08,120 - I'm gonna kill myself now. - Just call Caroline. 211 00:08:08,170 --> 00:08:09,770 You call her all the time when you're drunk. 212 00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:11,320 I-I don't know to what you are referring. 213 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,240 'Ello, Caroline. 214 00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:16,420 I still love you. 215 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,260 So much. 216 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,670 So much. 217 00:08:22,810 --> 00:08:24,270 I'm not calling her. 218 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,870 Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, 219 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,060 but wouldn't it be better 220 00:08:28,110 --> 00:08:31,290 to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat? 221 00:08:31,830 --> 00:08:34,780 Then maybe, if you're super-lucky, 222 00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:37,880 you might find a girl who will motorboat you right back. 223 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,330 I don't think she knows what motorboating is. 224 00:08:43,370 --> 00:08:45,040 Beers and a ros? 225 00:08:45,370 --> 00:08:48,700 Pink wine makes me... slutty. 226 00:08:49,670 --> 00:08:52,040 Whoa. Cute-guy alert. 227 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,160 Okay, Jess, game time. Let's do this. 228 00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:58,660 You want to forget about Spencer, 229 00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:02,210 you're gonna have to do some very, very bad things... 230 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,500 With that man right over there. 231 00:09:05,550 --> 00:09:06,520 How bad? 232 00:09:06,710 --> 00:09:07,880 Real bad, Jess. 233 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,550 Like, uh, make-out session, no tops. 234 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,340 Okay, this is what... this is what's gonna happen. 235 00:09:13,390 --> 00:09:14,980 Y-you're gonna go over there. 236 00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:17,500 You're gonna stand next to him, and you're gonna smile. 237 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,420 You're not gonna smile like that. 238 00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:23,570 You look like a hungry badger. 239 00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:26,040 Stop that. 240 00:09:26,090 --> 00:09:27,360 O-okay, I got this. I got this. 241 00:09:27,410 --> 00:09:28,840 You got... you got it. Just go make it happen. 242 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,070 Get 'em up! Grind it out! 243 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,300 Go do it! Grind it out! 244 00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:36,850 Hey, sailor. 245 00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:39,945 Oh. All right. That's okay. 246 00:09:40,145 --> 00:09:41,030 You can come back from that. 247 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,510 Maybe he didn't hear that.You're all good. 248 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,250 Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt! 249 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:47,670 Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! 250 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,470 - What's up?! - What's up, man? 251 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,530 All right. P-funk, what's up, dude? 252 00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:52,390 This is Coach. 253 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:53,480 What's up, coach? 254 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,160 You like parties? 255 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,000 Don't talk to me. 256 00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:02,720 Yeah, okay. 257 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,230 You know who likes to party hard, right? 258 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:05,690 So, you coming on Saturday? 259 00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:07,930 I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there. 260 00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:08,880 Uh, maybe. Yeah. 261 00:10:08,930 --> 00:10:10,860 I heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No? 262 00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:12,280 Are you not on the list? 263 00:10:12,330 --> 00:10:14,410 Man, I'm on the...list. You know that. 264 00:10:14,460 --> 00:10:15,530 Ah, that sucks, man. 265 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:17,740 Keep your head up, all right? 266 00:10:17,790 --> 00:10:18,890 All right, playa. 267 00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:20,500 Do your thing, man. It was good seeing you. 268 00:10:20,970 --> 00:10:23,040 All right, man. P-funk, always. 269 00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:25,450 - Nick, please. - Why are you friends with those guys? 270 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,690 Nick, please get me in the party. 271 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:28,090 I'm begging you, please. 272 00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:29,240 No, I'm not calling Caroline. 273 00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:31,630 Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea? 274 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,920 Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy. 275 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,020 I don't think you're trying that hard. 276 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,460 Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so... 277 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:45,150 What if god was one of us? 278 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,460 Make it stop! 279 00:10:46,510 --> 00:10:49,560 Just a slob like one of us 280 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,310 Look at us... couple of losers. 281 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:54,830 We both got dumped. 282 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:55,740 Geesh. 283 00:10:56,070 --> 00:10:57,110 I'm fine. 284 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,990 It was six months ago, so... 285 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,300 Do you know why she dumped you? 286 00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:02,070 I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad. 287 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,590 No, no. It made no difference to me. 288 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,420 I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire. 289 00:11:05,470 --> 00:11:08,200 So you're always just, like, wondering, like, "What was it? 290 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,750 Was there something I could have done differently?" 291 00:11:11,890 --> 00:11:14,580 You know what happens to people who keep it all inside? 292 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:17,680 They get old and they get sad and they get weird, 293 00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:19,710 and then you're the old man, and you're yelling at the kids 294 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,060 who are running across your yard, 295 00:11:21,110 --> 00:11:23,480 and you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard. 296 00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:25,090 My life's filled with regret." 297 00:11:26,170 --> 00:11:28,940 You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. 298 00:11:30,210 --> 00:11:32,510 Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, 299 00:11:32,570 --> 00:11:34,770 And live on a sparkly rainbow 300 00:11:34,850 --> 00:11:38,440 and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time. 301 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,550 Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. 302 00:11:40,610 --> 00:11:42,750 No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess. 303 00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:44,660 Why not? It's fun. 304 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,250 Because I have a penis. 305 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,340 My name is Nick? I have a penis 306 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,560 And I'm not gonna let any feelings out 307 00:11:52,350 --> 00:11:53,660 Okay, Jess... 308 00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:56,260 Your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings. 309 00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:58,340 Yeah. I know. 310 00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:00,940 Hey. 311 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,500 I'm Peter. 312 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,400 What are you drinking? 313 00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:06,680 Oh, I'll have another pink wine. 314 00:12:07,050 --> 00:12:08,510 I like your glasses. 315 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:09,820 They help me see. 316 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:12,690 She's doing all right. 317 00:12:12,890 --> 00:12:14,350 Schmidt stain! 318 00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:16,170 Hey, man, I was thinking... 319 00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:18,520 It's probably better that you don't come to the party. 320 00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:20,180 That means more breasts for me. 321 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:22,390 You better step down, son. 322 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:23,720 You're taking this whole thing too far. 323 00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:25,180 I'm seri... hold me back, Coach. 324 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,330 I-I'm serious. Hold me back. Hold me back! 325 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,190 - Coach, would you please hold me back? - No. 326 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,620 Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax. 327 00:12:31,670 --> 00:12:32,820 Nice. See you there, Schmidty. 328 00:12:32,870 --> 00:12:34,440 Ah, totally, broseph! 329 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,110 Yeah, I texted Caroline. 330 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,330 You texted Caroline? 331 00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:39,060 Thank you. I love you, bro. 332 00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:40,360 Yeah. There it is. 333 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:42,760 Did you just kiss my arm a little? 334 00:12:42,810 --> 00:12:44,090 You bet I did. It felt right. 335 00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:46,040 So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. 336 00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:48,450 Yeah, cool. I'll call... cool. 337 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,440 What's happening tomorrow, sailor? 338 00:12:50,490 --> 00:12:52,450 You know what? You guys were totally right. 339 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:55,350 I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, 340 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,710 I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex, 341 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,640 and it totally worked. He asked me out. 342 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,070 Dinner...with food. 343 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,700 - I'm so proud of you. - You got it, girl. 344 00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:07,990 You did good. Yeah, you put it... 345 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,010 Date! 346 00:13:09,970 --> 00:13:11,060 It's Jess! 347 00:13:11,110 --> 00:13:14,110 She's on fire 348 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:15,860 She's on fire 349 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,220 She got some big panties! 350 00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:19,430 All right, should we tell her? 351 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,370 Ah, I think we let her have her moment. 352 00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:34,010 Do the shoes fit, Jess? 353 00:13:35,770 --> 00:13:36,760 I'm okay! 354 00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,680 What, are you a model or something? 355 00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:40,390 Yeah. 356 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,780 Yes, mostly print right now, so... 357 00:13:44,260 --> 00:13:46,850 What is it... Cece? Cecelia? 358 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,390 "Chechelia"? 359 00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:51,100 Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? 360 00:13:51,150 --> 00:13:53,950 You know, are you warm? I'm a little I'm a little warm right now. 361 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:54,930 Don't, Schmidt. 362 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,060 All right. 363 00:13:56,110 --> 00:13:57,860 Oh, yeah, there it is. 364 00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:00,930 Please put your shirt back on. 365 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,720 Please don't make me laugh at you. 366 00:14:02,770 --> 00:14:06,300 Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? 367 00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:08,520 Oh, my god. 368 00:14:08,570 --> 00:14:10,500 How good is that? For real. What? 369 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,170 Little p-mint tea? 370 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,810 Yum, right? 371 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,970 Hot, sweet. 372 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,080 Little tea-bag action. 373 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,180 I wasn't talking about... 374 00:14:22,230 --> 00:14:23,320 There it is. 375 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:24,730 Douchebag. 376 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:26,030 Listen to me, you guys. 377 00:14:26,420 --> 00:14:29,070 Jess is by far the best person that I know. 378 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,230 So if you guys let anything happen to her, 379 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,060 I'm gonna come here and crazy murder you. 380 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,670 I'm gonna be honest with you. 381 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,340 I did not hear a word that you just said, 382 00:14:40,390 --> 00:14:42,640 'cause I can kinda see your party hats right now. 383 00:14:42,690 --> 00:14:43,340 Here you go. 384 00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:43,930 Jess! 385 00:14:46,390 --> 00:14:48,270 Why are you talking like this? 386 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,920 - I fell off my heels. - Okay. All right. 387 00:14:53,970 --> 00:14:55,440 No. Come on. Get up. 388 00:14:55,490 --> 00:14:56,890 Oh, what am I doing? 389 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,830 I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible? 390 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,380 What if I have nothing to talk about? 391 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:03,240 Then you go to the bathroom and you call me 392 00:15:03,290 --> 00:15:04,550 and you tell me all about it. 393 00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:06,460 Maybe I just shouldn't go. 394 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:07,980 Babe, you got hurt. 395 00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:09,730 That doesn't mean you stop trying. 396 00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:10,660 Okay? 397 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,330 Okay. Let's go. Come on. 398 00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:19,920 You got to take off those overalls. 399 00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:21,930 I was going for, like, a... 400 00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:25,150 Like a "Hot farmer's daughter" kind of thing. 401 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,450 You know, like... 402 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:29,710 "I'm going to go milk my cows... 403 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,230 With my bucket." 404 00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:32,720 Take them off. 405 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:34,150 Okay. 406 00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:35,870 What am I gonna wear? 407 00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:50,910 Thanks, Coach. 408 00:15:54,290 --> 00:15:55,910 And then she does that. 409 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,560 I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over. 410 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,130 Wait. Have you been texting him? 411 00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:02,170 Is that bad? 412 00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:05,730 No. It's nice. 413 00:16:06,870 --> 00:16:07,710 Have a good night. 414 00:16:07,910 --> 00:16:09,590 This is gonna be great. 415 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:13,320 Coach, you don't look anything like an indian. 416 00:16:13,370 --> 00:16:15,470 Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too. 417 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:16,680 Coach, I got your back. 418 00:16:16,730 --> 00:16:18,360 No, Nick, I want to hear it from him. 419 00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:20,730 Coach, what sort of indian wears bike shorts? 420 00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:23,180 Excuse me, is, uh, Caroline... I'm looking for Caroline. 421 00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:24,460 We're supposed to be on some list. 422 00:16:24,510 --> 00:16:25,260 Hey. Nick. 423 00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:28,560 That's her. 424 00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:31,650 Sorry. I'm wearing this stupid thing. 425 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,000 Schmidt made me do it. 426 00:16:33,050 --> 00:16:34,430 Thank you so much for getting us in. 427 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,590 Yeah. No problem. 428 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,970 Um, maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank-calling me. 429 00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:39,580 What? 430 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,260 'Ello, Caroline. 431 00:16:42,310 --> 00:16:44,060 I still loves you, I do. 432 00:16:44,110 --> 00:16:45,280 Yeah, you got to figure that out. 433 00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:46,950 Some crazy person's calling you. 434 00:16:47,510 --> 00:16:49,350 You look nice. It's good to see you. 435 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,150 I-I think I'm almost finished out here if you... 436 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,900 Do you want to go... grab a drink? 437 00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,050 - Yeah. - Yeah? 438 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:00,580 Sure. Yeah. 439 00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:03,550 Let's you and I just get a drink, be normal about it. 440 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,450 Actually, hold on. I'm sorry. I just... 441 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,770 I have to ask you something so that one day 442 00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:10,480 I'm not an old man filled with regret. 443 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,220 But why did you dump me? 444 00:17:14,790 --> 00:17:18,530 Do... okay, are we doing this here, like, now? 445 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,620 Yeah. 446 00:17:21,670 --> 00:17:22,890 Why did you dump me? 447 00:17:26,850 --> 00:17:30,450 Honestly, I-I didn't even realize that you cared about me 448 00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,240 until we broke up. 449 00:17:36,330 --> 00:17:37,170 Okay. 450 00:17:38,050 --> 00:17:39,600 Let's get that drink. 451 00:17:39,650 --> 00:17:41,100 Get along, little doggie! 452 00:17:41,150 --> 00:17:44,520 Well, howdy, there, muchachos. 453 00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:47,120 Hey, where's Jess? 454 00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:49,480 Oh, dude, she texted me seven times... 455 00:17:49,530 --> 00:17:51,100 Like, long ones. 456 00:17:51,150 --> 00:17:52,500 I just wanted to hook up. 457 00:17:52,550 --> 00:17:55,830 So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? 458 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,240 Yeah, that's what I did. I called her. 459 00:18:01,450 --> 00:18:03,020 Stay in touch, Schmidt! 460 00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:06,670 Nick. 461 00:18:07,230 --> 00:18:08,560 Want to get that drink? 462 00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:13,480 No, I got to go help a friend, Caroline. 463 00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:16,260 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 464 00:18:16,310 --> 00:18:17,570 Guys, this is the party of the year, you guys. 465 00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:18,990 This is our night. This is our night! 466 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,360 I'm going with Nick, man. You coming? 467 00:18:20,410 --> 00:18:21,720 I thought you guys were my boys! 468 00:18:21,770 --> 00:18:23,580 "Boys" is not a thing, Schmidt! Stop! 469 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,230 Do you have anything else 470 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,010 that is free but also has bread in it? 471 00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:57,720 Because the... the, like, good bread, I ate, 472 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,880 and that's... all that's left is like a... 473 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,910 It's like... it's kind of like a health bread. 474 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,330 I'm sorry. 475 00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:05,540 We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table. 476 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:12,330 Can I please just stay just a little bit longer? 477 00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:13,600 We're here! 478 00:19:13,650 --> 00:19:14,460 Yeah! 479 00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:16,140 We're here, Jess! We're here. 480 00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:18,400 Here for the date... date thing. 481 00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:20,360 You're all on a date? 482 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,380 Yeah. We, uh, we're her boyfriends. 483 00:19:22,430 --> 00:19:23,910 We are reverse mormons. 484 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,110 - One man just isn't enough for her. - Okay. 485 00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:30,910 Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk. 486 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,510 The guy's a clown. 487 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,350 You guys missed your party to come here and... 488 00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:37,910 see me? 489 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,880 Yeah. We, uh... we care about you. 490 00:19:41,470 --> 00:19:42,550 We like you. 491 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,160 That's so nice! 492 00:19:44,420 --> 00:19:45,330 What is that? 493 00:19:45,380 --> 00:19:46,930 - Don't start crying. - Come on. 494 00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:48,780 It's cool. It's very, very cool. 495 00:19:48,830 --> 00:19:50,100 Come on, Jess. Come on. 496 00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:51,400 - Please... - Stop it! 497 00:19:52,850 --> 00:19:54,740 It's okay. Hey, don't cry. 498 00:19:55,580 --> 00:20:00,510 For I've had the time of my life 499 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:01,280 What is he doing? 500 00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:04,610 And I've never felt this way before 501 00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:07,290 Yes, it's true 502 00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:10,960 And it's something something something 503 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:14,410 There's bears in my house 504 00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:16,620 And it's the song that makes you really, really happy 505 00:20:16,670 --> 00:20:18,190 I'm not, uh, I'm not participating in this. 506 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,860 Just remember 507 00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:23,320 You're the one thing 508 00:20:24,170 --> 00:20:27,180 I can't get enough of 509 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,300 And I'll tell you something 510 00:20:32,350 --> 00:20:36,260 This could be love, because 511 00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:38,790 - I've had - Had 512 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,100 The time of my life 513 00:20:41,150 --> 00:20:43,490 And I owe it all to you 514 00:20:43,540 --> 00:20:45,020 Come on! What time is it?! 515 00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:46,940 The time of my life 516 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,850 You have to leave... now. All of you. 517 00:21:10,690 --> 00:21:12,670 Seriously, thank you, guys, so much for tonight. 518 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,080 That was really cool. 519 00:21:18,090 --> 00:21:18,630 Listen, Jess, 520 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:20,700 I just want you to know that... 521 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:23,800 I mean, for me, at least, 522 00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:25,660 n-no matter what... 523 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,520 I would still totally do you. 524 00:21:29,460 --> 00:21:31,400 Oh, that's so sweet. 525 00:21:31,860 --> 00:21:32,960 Yeah. Absolutely. 526 00:21:33,010 --> 00:21:34,500 - Jar. - Yeah. Jar.