It's our first wedding together so we need nicknames.
Nick is Knick-Knack! Or Mr. Suspenders.
No nicknames, ok? Your only job tonight
is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay?
And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
Why can't you and Winston help?
We've tried... He doesn't listen to us anymore.
She's not coming back, Nick.
He's right, I don't.
# Da, da-da, dah!! #
No!
That is the ugliest dress I've ever seen, Jess!
I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, ok?
When I see you, I wanna be thinking...
"Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
Probaby the slut butler, right?
Yo, let's go. We can't be late, I am in the weeding.
You're the usher, so relax!
Yeah! I'll be busy.
That way I won't have to sit around
answering a bunch of stupid questions all day.
Like, "Do you have a job."
"Are you still playing basketball."
Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?
What is the matter with you?
This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude,
and I really want to just get in there
and ush this wedding in the face!
- You're gonna be great, man. - So when we do
the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently.
I know that it usually goes, like...
# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da... #.
Oh. # Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #
But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck.
'Cause it's more realistic.
No chicken dance!
Look, we're not trying to be mean.
We just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.
Okay. Suppress the Jess.
Got it.
Did you use my hair gel?
Did I use your hair gel?
I'm not gonna be mad. Just let me know if you did.
- No. - You sure?
I used your hair gel.
Are you serious?
Yeah. It's...
Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Wow. You look great.
Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
No!
No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth.
Come on, guys.
These are hilarious.
Kids love these.
# Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? #
# It's Jess. #
1x03 - Wedding -
You want to know one of my beauty secrets?
The only way I could fit in this dress
was by wearing little girl's bicycle shorts underneath.
# They are tight #
# I will not be peeing tonight! #.
Oh, my God, bubbles.
No, no, no, no, Jess. No bubbles, no bubbles, please.
Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight. Yo.
- Oh. Oh, there's Brooke. - Who's Brooke?
He's been into her since freshman year.
She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch.
It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
I'd always leave water out for her.
Okay. Tonight just got real.
She goes on top of the kill list.
Is that because you're gonna attempt
to kill her by having sex with her?
More or less, yeah.
Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
Look at my new boyfriend.
So fancy in his big boy tie.
Jess, would you please stop?
Okay, what is it with Caroline?
You're like a different person.
Just focus on getting through today, please.
Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.
What did I tell you?
Don't be myself. Yes.
That's what I love about our relationship.
You never let me be myself.
Hey!
Winston!
- You're back. - Yeah.
What are you up to? Where you working at?
Here. As an usher.
Hi. What a beautiful dress.
I'm surprised you noticed the dress.
I was distracted by the woman inside.
Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.
Alternate usher.
I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher.
You were late. It's called commitment.
Look it up in a typewriter, old man.
- What?! - How much money do you make?
Where is your mother?
Can someone help me?
Hello. Bride or groom?
Oh, no. No, not tonight.
No!
Who is that?
Gretchen Nelson.
She's a terrible person.
We can't stand each other.
At every wedding, we end up...
we end up having sex.
I mean, look, the sex is amazing.
Oh, she's coming over.
Hey, there are those people that we know.
Oh, what people?
- Hello, Gretchen. - Uh-huh.
I see you wore the pantsuit again.
This is a new one.
It's got way more stretch... in the pants.
- That's horrible. - Are you ready for tonight?
I'm gonna tie you down
and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.
Oh, my God, how many are there?
- It's a two-hour slideshow. - No, Gretchen.
We can't do this anymore, okay?
It's not... It's not healthy.
- All right? Please, no more. - Yeah.
There she is. There she is.
She's right over there. There she is.
She's right over here. She's right...
Just be cool... Okay, okay.
Hi.
Hey, Caroline. Wow.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Great to see you.
Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
Uh, yeah, of course.
Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
Hi.
One more time. Cara-lee?
- Uh, Caroline. - Caraloo?
- Coraline? - Caroline.
Okay. Fancy.
Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend.
We just started dating,
so we're still in that honeymoon phase.
I barely sleep. So much doing it.
It's crazy.
He's so soft, like a towel.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you, too, Carol.
Caroline.
I give up! I guess
I'll see you later.
For sure, for sure, for sure.
Oh, my God. Was she jealous?
I think she was jealous. You did so good.
That was remarkable.
I just done what my mama learnt me.
Give me the teeth.
Brooke.
Hi. Wow.
Schmidt.
You used to borrow my poncho freshman year.
Remember that? No.
Hmm.
Fat Schmidt?
Fat Schmidt!
Of course! Wow.
You look great.
You, also, for sure.
Um, how are your classes?
I mean, not that we're... not that we're in school anymore.
I know that.
What are you drinking? White wine?
I'm not drinking.
I'm sober, six months.
Can I get a seltzer, please?
Me, too.
You're six months sober, also?
Seven months. One more.
Wow. That's great.
Congratulations.
Here's your, uh, white wine.
What? What? That's a mistake.
No, I didn't order that. No!
No, sir!
Even the... even smell of it.
I'm gonna run back to my table.
But you can come talk to me if you need to.
Oh. Okay, thank you.
So what I need you to do is this.
I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay?
Then rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay?
Same page? Same page?
This kid is pushing my buttons.
Winston, he's just a little boy. Relax.
Brooke asks, I'm six months clean and sober,
and looking to settle down.
Great. Schmidt's sober.
What are you doing?
She's looking at us.
Your head is shaped like a yam.
Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats.
Uh-huh. Hey, when she comes here,
I want to talk to her by myself.
- No. Are you sure? - Jess, I'm fine, for real.
- Hi. - Oh, hey.
Could that ceremony have lasted any longer?
- It really was... - Ha, ha. We loved it.
Taking notes in case Mr. Commitment-Phobe over here
decides to make an honest woman out of me.
Oh.
Hey, Jess,
did you want to go do that thing from...?
Yes, I did. I want to do it very badly.
- Yup. - Thank you.
And now, for the first time ever,
Mr. and Mrs. Handelman-Pyong.
# #
Yay! Bride and Groom!
Make way!
Huzzah! Celebrate love!
Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy.
Jess is... great.
The best. Yeah, so happy.
Are you guys pretty serious, or...?
Yeah, we are pretty serious.
Yeah, we live together.
I mean, different bedrooms, but shared bathroom,
so that's something.
Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have.
Just give me anything.
Thank you.
Give me that.
Oh, God.
It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.
Ugh! Where'd you get those boots, off a lady hiker?
Look at those earrings. Are they clip-ons?
I'm gonna make you wear them.
Huh? No.
No?
Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Yes-- now let's talk about my problems.
Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight.
I deserve someone like Brooke.
She's perfect,
and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic,
mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen.
It's just-- that's not what I want to do anymore, okay?
Not tonight.
What's so bad about liking Gretchen?
I mean, you guys obviously have,
like, a weird connection.
No, no, no, no, I want to connect with Brooke.
I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor...
Okay, you know what?
- ...sitting Indian style. - You can keep talking,
but I'm going to put my hands over my ears.
- We got a problem. - What?
Jess, what did you do?
What? They're fine, they're just talking.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, with Caroline he is not fine.
Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago,
then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant
when she said, "I'll see you soon."
She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him.
It's like he's her backup plan.
I didn't know that.
You want to live with Nick
when he's not showering and crying all day?
He sounds like this.
You ever heard a grown man sob
and listen to Simon and Garfunkel?
- Yeah, my dad. - Yeah.
Okay, I get it... but I just...
These bicycle shorts are really tight.
Come on,
- work through it, woman. - Okay, okay.
Okay.
It's all on you, Jess.
Come on in, honey.
The water's fine.
Jess, you know I don't dance.
Oh, but you didn't know that I did this.
I'm mime-walking.
I'm Mime-chael Jackson.
- I'm gonna get a drink. - Me, too.
Nick, wait, no.
Jess, relax, this is good.
I may actually have a chance, and it's all because of you,
- so thank you. - No, Nick,
that wasn't my intention.
Nick-- oh, hi.
I don't feel like dancing right now, I'm sorry.
I'm... really uncomfortable right now.
Oh, Winston, thank God! Nick got away.
Nick can wait.
This...
this is about honor.
And... it looks like we have a dance-off!
What?!
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Mommy?
Nick? Nick?
The chocolate fountain.
Reminds me of the one in Tuscany.
You ever been?
Yeah! I was just there for New Year's.
Where's the chocolate fountain?
I don't know, I've never been.
I'm just fascinated with the culture.
Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me
get these off so I can go find Nick!
God, are you friends with that girl?
Schmidt!
Look, I...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, but...
she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom.
It was like I was her Sid and she was
my Nancy, and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it,
and the poor thing just went... she went crazy.
Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around!
Look, I don't want to scare you,
but she can be really dangerous when she drinks.
Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her,
it's just...
it feels so good talking to you.
Maybe we should get you out of here.
What a great idea. Yes!
I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Whatever you need, whatever... of course.
Ready? No lips.
Name one, name one. Do, uh, wind tunnel.
Super high driver's license.
Can we stay in here all night?
Oh, hi.
Schmidt is very fond of you.
Um, look, I don't...
I, uh, I don't even really know him that well,
- okay? - Oh.
I'm just cutting off my underwear. You know.
Girl stuff.
So tight.
Well, it's been really nice chatting with you.
But I've got a pretend boyfriend to hunt down.
I think he's cheating on me.
Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with.
This is fun.
Aha! I trusted you!
- Jess, get out of here. - Nothing happened.
After everything we built.
Go away, Jess, please.
Who are you?!
No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend.
Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Yeah, well, I-I've been seeing someone. I didn't bring him
because I didn't want to hurt your feelings,
- but now I know that you have Jess... - Yeah, he has me.
And our baby!
Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys...
And our other baby!
Jess, what happened with Brooke?
- What? - She just left here in tears
because she said that you threatened her with a knife?
No, I was talking you up!
No, you shouldn't have been talking me up.
You should have been taking care of Nick.
Why is it so hard to do one thing?
- How is this my fault? - Ruiner.
Did you just call me a ruiner?
Yeah.
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I'm not helping you guys anymore.
- Give me my teeth back. - Stop it.
- You don't appreciate them. - Cool it!
Give them back.
I'm gonna have fun,
'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am,
and I like having fun at weddings.
And I like dancing.
And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter.
Jess is back!
Oh, you're going home with me, aren't you?
Oh...
Good boy.
That's Caroline and that's me.
Four years.
Four years together, so...
It doesn't matter to me.
It's just what matters is respect.
I'm just so alone
right now, man.
It is a real bad situation.
Uh, Steve and Bree, babe.
Steve and Bree, 'cause that's what this is about.
I agree with you.
You're good at your job, babe.
I'm so happy for you two.
You look great.
It feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face,
your little happiness, but let's be honest, Bree,
this doesn't look great on you-- this.
That's not a great look, Bree!
Congratulations, Steve. Nice fedora.
And no open bar, Steve?!
Don't you understand that's tacky?!
Your dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man.
Yeah!
That happened!
The photo booth is a liar-- FYI.
Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want to see a grown man cry?
No? Then get out!
I think I saw a single doctor looking at you!
This is gonna take awhile, Orange.
Hey, there, partner.
Hey, can I tell you something
you promise to never tell Schmidt?
I love bubbles.
I don't know why, I just always have.
You see that? - Oh! That was like two in one.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Those guys were jerks.
But I know they're glad you're around.
Really?
Yeah!
They're not just gonna come out and say it, though.
Especially Nick, you know, but they're all thinking it.
Even me.
Most of the time.
It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich
between you and that eight-year-old.
Do you want to talk about that?
You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so...
I kind of took my feelings out with dance...?
Okay, so, uh, we have a situation.
Hey, Nick, how you doing, buddy?
They want me to leave the booth, but I'm staying.
This is my home now. It's got everything that I need.
You can see by looking at these pictures
that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions.
This one is... well, that's actually his butt.
He just keeps saying "Jess."
Jess, fact is that I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay?
Hi, Nicholas.
Hey, Jess, I live in a photo booth bow.
Oh, is that so?
Yep, come on in, come on in.
- Thank you. - That's the kitchen area.
- Very nice. - This is the common area.
- Okay. - Dining room, living room, kind of everything.
It's very nice.
Hey! She has a boyfriend.
She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night.
You can't be her backup plan.
You have to let each other go.
So now, you have to make a decision.
"Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour,
"or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off,
and dance my face off?"
Come on, it's up to you.
All right.
I love you, photo booth.
Yo, look at him.
He looks better.
I can't do this anymore.
I have to let you go, Caroline, for real.
It has to be over.
Good-bye.
Good luck and everything.
Good-bye.
All right, um, I've got to... Excuse me.
# When I'm feeling blue #.
Come on, Jess.
What?
Just please, just come with me right now.
- Okay. - Thank you.
# Then I'm not so blue #
# When you're close to me #
# I can feel your heart beat #
# I can hear you breathing in my ear #
# Wouldn't you agree? #
# Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love #.
That looks like so much fun.
# Anytime you want to #
# You can turn me on to #
# Anything you want to # Okay.
# Anytime at all #
# When I kiss your lips #
# Ooh, I start to shiver #
# Can't control the quivering inside #
# Wouldn't you agree? #
# Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love #.
Check out my beaks.
Ooh, stop copying my beaks.
Gretchen, you think that, like, hooking up
at all these weddings... I mean, one of
these times, we can go on an actual date?
No. I'm just using you for your body.
Oh. Okay. Cool.
How many more of these things?
We're just getting started.
That yellow helmet.
Ugh!
Tonight, I'm gonna get certified in the River Schmidt.