1
00:00:06,746 --> 00:00:08,163
Ooh.
2
00:00:08,247 --> 00:00:09,831
Scary movie.
3
00:00:10,415 --> 00:00:11,499
I hate scary movies.
4
00:00:11,584 --> 00:00:12,367
Why are we watching this?
5
00:00:12,435 --> 00:00:14,619
We're not watching this, Jess.
6
00:00:14,670 --> 00:00:16,954
We're watching it.
7
00:00:26,349 --> 00:00:28,883
So fun, hanging
with the dudes,
8
00:00:28,951 --> 00:00:31,936
eating ice cream,
watching scary movies.
9
00:00:31,987 --> 00:00:34,356
We're not scared; we're dudes.
10
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,357
Shh!
11
00:00:39,161 --> 00:00:40,578
You know what we should watch?
12
00:00:40,646 --> 00:00:41,979
Have you guys ever seen Fame?
13
00:00:43,046 --> 00:00:45,579
It's about a group of dreamers,
with talent to spare
14
00:00:46,044 --> 00:00:48,295
taking New York City by storm,
15
00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:50,197
one dance number
at a time...
16
00:00:50,265 --> 00:00:51,398
the cafeteria,
17
00:00:51,466 --> 00:00:52,350
the street...
18
00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:54,351
Oh! Ooh!
19
00:00:54,419 --> 00:00:55,803
That's so much blood.
20
00:00:55,887 --> 00:00:57,254
It's spurting!
21
00:00:57,305 --> 00:00:59,256
Mmm, that was good.
22
00:01:00,392 --> 00:01:01,893
That guy's gonna blow
himself up.
23
00:01:01,944 --> 00:01:02,861
# Wah, wah. #.
24
00:01:02,928 --> 00:01:05,046
Why would that guy
blow himself up?
25
00:01:07,983 --> 00:01:09,484
Sorry. I saw it
in the theater.
26
00:01:10,251 --> 00:01:11,769
You know what else
we should watch?
27
00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:12,820
An American Tale.
28
00:01:13,405 --> 00:01:14,872
It's about a little Jewish mouse
29
00:01:14,939 --> 00:01:16,373
with a great big heart and a...
30
00:01:16,441 --> 00:01:16,874
All right.
31
00:01:16,942 --> 00:01:17,875
Wait.
32
00:01:17,943 --> 00:01:19,293
Where are you guys going?
33
00:01:19,378 --> 00:01:22,413
# Hey, girl #
34
00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:24,465
# What you doing? #
35
00:01:25,050 --> 00:01:27,502
# Hey, girl #
36
00:01:28,086 --> 00:01:30,055
# Where you going? #
37
00:01:30,122 --> 00:01:32,857
# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #
38
00:01:32,925 --> 00:01:34,142
# Who's that girl? #
39
00:01:34,226 --> 00:01:36,978
# Who's that girl? #
# It's Jess. #
40
00:01:36,979 --> 00:01:40,604
1x04
- Naked -
41
00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:43,819
Do you know where
you're taking her?
42
00:01:44,034 --> 00:01:44,819
No.
43
00:01:44,903 --> 00:01:46,604
Do you need a list
of my sexiest date spots?
44
00:01:46,655 --> 00:01:47,972
You know, it's been
a while for you.
45
00:01:48,023 --> 00:01:49,107
Want me to stretch you out?
46
00:01:49,158 --> 00:01:50,808
It's not a date, Schmidt.
47
00:01:50,859 --> 00:01:52,577
Actually, I don't know
what it is.
48
00:01:52,644 --> 00:01:54,662
She's, uh... she's
a little hard to read.
49
00:01:54,730 --> 00:01:57,498
Wouldn't it be funny
if we, like, went out? Like...
50
00:01:58,183 --> 00:01:59,250
- Do you want to go on a date?
- Yeah.
51
00:01:59,317 --> 00:02:00,668
We, like, go for dinner,
52
00:02:00,752 --> 00:02:03,087
and, like, the two of us,
like, do stuff.
53
00:02:03,155 --> 00:02:04,989
- Is that a yes?
- I know, right?
54
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,524
- Seriously, do you want to get dinner?
- Right. No, I know.
55
00:02:06,592 --> 00:02:08,359
Sometimes she's so ironic
56
00:02:08,427 --> 00:02:10,428
that I think
she's being serious.
57
00:02:10,496 --> 00:02:12,380
I get it.
Led Zeppelin is classic,
58
00:02:12,464 --> 00:02:14,432
but I mean, it's no, like,
Steve Miller Band.
59
00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:16,217
Steve Miller Band?
"The Joker"?
60
00:02:21,206 --> 00:02:24,442
Oh, yeah. No, I love
The Steve Miller Band.
61
00:02:24,510 --> 00:02:26,611
Hey, look. You've been out
of the game for a while.
62
00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:27,845
I have three date packages.
63
00:02:27,896 --> 00:02:29,530
They work every time.
64
00:02:29,615 --> 00:02:33,034
Package A: Close-up
magic, dinner, drinks.
65
00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:36,320
Package B: Close-up
magic, drinks.
66
00:02:36,371 --> 00:02:38,956
Package C:..
67
00:02:39,524 --> 00:02:40,625
Close-up magic.
68
00:02:40,692 --> 00:02:42,210
You have a date? Fun!
69
00:02:42,294 --> 00:02:44,195
I want to talk to you guys
about this stuff.
70
00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,213
With Amanda.
71
00:02:45,297 --> 00:02:46,831
- Schmidt.
- Amanda?
72
00:02:46,882 --> 00:02:47,882
From the bar?
73
00:02:48,466 --> 00:02:49,166
Whoa!
74
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:50,034
She's a looker.
75
00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:51,586
Hatchie-matchie!
76
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:53,387
Yeah, I know how hot she is,
Jess.
77
00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:55,423
Have you been out with anyone
since Caroline?
78
00:02:55,507 --> 00:02:56,424
No.
79
00:02:56,508 --> 00:02:59,093
Whoa! Big-deal alert.
80
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:00,962
Scary stuff, kids.
81
00:03:01,029 --> 00:03:02,379
Yeesh!
82
00:03:02,431 --> 00:03:04,732
Falling rocks. Bridge out.
Duck!
83
00:03:04,816 --> 00:03:05,983
This is why I don't talk to you,
Jess.
84
00:03:06,051 --> 00:03:07,018
Nick, you're gonna be fine.
85
00:03:07,069 --> 00:03:08,252
Don't worry about it.
86
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,655
Just, you know,
suck in the gut.
87
00:03:11,722 --> 00:03:12,690
What gut?
88
00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:14,408
The little pooch where you
keep your extra cookies.
89
00:03:35,096 --> 00:03:36,430
All right.
90
00:03:44,189 --> 00:03:46,974
# Well, you say with this riddim
you have a patch? #
91
00:03:47,059 --> 00:03:49,694
# Yellowman mend it #
92
00:03:49,761 --> 00:03:54,765
# And if you haffi done mend it,
me set it #
93
00:03:54,816 --> 00:03:58,269
# Zungguzungguguzungguzeng #
94
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,571
# Zungguzunggugu-
zungguzeng #
95
00:04:00,622 --> 00:04:03,374
# Seh if yuh have a paper,
yuh must have a pen #
96
00:04:03,441 --> 00:04:06,244
# And if yuh have a start,
yuh must have a end #
97
00:04:06,295 --> 00:04:08,913
# Seh five plus five,
it equal to ten #
98
00:04:08,964 --> 00:04:10,548
# And if yuh have goat... #
99
00:04:10,615 --> 00:04:12,466
I had a lot of adventures
in this room
100
00:04:12,551 --> 00:04:14,618
while you were gone, Winston.
101
00:04:14,670 --> 00:04:16,387
How'd the
job interview go?
102
00:04:16,454 --> 00:04:18,239
You know, terrible.
103
00:04:18,307 --> 00:04:20,123
Did you see the
JWoww retweet
104
00:04:20,175 --> 00:04:21,841
and the Gaga Twitpic?
105
00:04:23,128 --> 00:04:25,479
I know Word,
and I can open a document...
106
00:04:26,515 --> 00:04:28,065
...save it, save as,
107
00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,850
print,
108
00:04:29,918 --> 00:04:31,419
print preview...
109
00:04:31,486 --> 00:04:32,687
She just wanted
to chitchat about stuff
110
00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:34,171
I've never even heard of.
111
00:04:34,239 --> 00:04:35,740
Well, you gotta get
up to speed, man.
112
00:04:35,807 --> 00:04:37,358
The chitchat is
the interview.
113
00:04:37,442 --> 00:04:40,077
I've spent the last two years
of my life in Latvia.
114
00:04:40,145 --> 00:04:41,279
I was playing ball
year round.
115
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:42,613
I didn't read the news.
116
00:04:42,664 --> 00:04:44,448
I have no idea
what happened in America.
117
00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:45,516
I've got interviews tomorrow.
118
00:04:45,584 --> 00:04:46,751
Fill me in. What'd I miss?
119
00:04:46,818 --> 00:04:48,703
From... from the past two years?
120
00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:50,321
Give me the highlights.
Highlights. Okay.
121
00:04:50,372 --> 00:04:52,089
Uh, country's broke.
122
00:04:52,157 --> 00:04:54,325
Betty White's back.
123
00:04:54,376 --> 00:04:57,328
Oh, cool, cool. What about
the rest of the Golden Girls?
124
00:04:57,379 --> 00:04:58,713
All dead, man.
125
00:05:00,515 --> 00:05:03,100
Damn. You know what?
Give me your computer.
126
00:05:03,168 --> 00:05:05,970
I gotta get started, man.
I'm going in.
127
00:05:06,021 --> 00:05:08,005
# Lady Ann a yuh
so take fe toy #
128
00:05:08,056 --> 00:05:10,608
# Playgal all dem call him joy #
129
00:05:10,675 --> 00:05:13,394
# Yuh nuh fe call
Yellowman nuh bwoy #
130
00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:16,614
# Yuh nuh fe call John
John nuh bwoy #
131
00:05:16,681 --> 00:05:19,450
# Yuh nuh fe take I
and I fe bwoy #
132
00:05:19,517 --> 00:05:22,320
# Zungguzungguguzungguzeng,
watch it! #
133
00:05:23,371 --> 00:05:24,338
It is what it is.
134
00:05:24,406 --> 00:05:27,875
# Zungguzungguguzungguzeng... #
135
00:05:28,459 --> 00:05:30,878
Hey, Nick, can you turn down
that music?
136
00:05:30,962 --> 00:05:32,913
# 'Ca Yellowman make yuh
feel so fine #
137
00:05:32,998 --> 00:05:36,083
# Me chat all me lyric,
me chat dem in a rhyme #
138
00:05:36,168 --> 00:05:39,754
# Me nuh eat lime it
full of a rhyme... #
139
00:05:40,338 --> 00:05:41,605
Hey, Nick,
can you...
140
00:05:41,873 --> 00:05:42,823
What...? What are you...?!
141
00:05:45,677 --> 00:05:48,179
Oh, my God!
142
00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:56,853
Look at you.
You're like an animal.
143
00:05:56,937 --> 00:05:58,039
What are you watching now?
144
00:05:58,137 --> 00:05:59,739
The King's Speech
and Human Centipede.
145
00:05:59,806 --> 00:06:02,325
Next up: Precious
and David After Dentist.
146
00:06:02,409 --> 00:06:04,410
I think you're
doing a good job.
147
00:06:04,477 --> 00:06:05,995
Okay, you know
what, test me.
148
00:06:06,079 --> 00:06:07,646
Pretend this is an interview.
Hit me with the chitchat.
149
00:06:07,698 --> 00:06:08,915
Ask me anything.
150
00:06:08,982 --> 00:06:10,166
Chitchat. Let's go.
151
00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:11,450
Forget it, man.
Let's go!
152
00:06:11,502 --> 00:06:12,535
Come on, what are you
waiting for, man?
153
00:06:12,619 --> 00:06:14,320
You're getting
intense right now.
154
00:06:14,371 --> 00:06:16,088
- You're the intense one.
- I think you need to bring it down.
155
00:06:17,174 --> 00:06:18,591
Can I talk to you for a sec?
156
00:06:19,558 --> 00:06:20,576
Something's happened.
157
00:06:20,644 --> 00:06:23,262
It was totally an accident.
158
00:06:23,330 --> 00:06:25,831
Not a big deal.
I just want to do
159
00:06:25,883 --> 00:06:28,217
the mature thing
and come clean about it.
160
00:06:28,302 --> 00:06:32,438
But, um, I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee.
161
00:06:32,505 --> 00:06:33,689
- What?
- What'd she say?
162
00:06:33,757 --> 00:06:37,075
I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee
163
00:06:37,227 --> 00:06:38,110
and his bubbles.
164
00:06:39,178 --> 00:06:40,279
But it's not a big deal.
165
00:06:40,347 --> 00:06:41,864
Ain't no thing.
166
00:06:41,949 --> 00:06:42,949
Ain't no thaaang.
167
00:06:44,516 --> 00:06:45,401
Oh, Nick, hey.
168
00:06:45,485 --> 00:06:46,736
Hey.
169
00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:49,655
So, that was weird, right?
170
00:06:49,706 --> 00:06:50,990
I'm running out
the door, Jess.
171
00:06:51,041 --> 00:06:52,524
I think we should
talk about it.
172
00:06:53,076 --> 00:06:53,543
Talk about what?
173
00:06:54,627 --> 00:06:56,796
About me seeing...
174
00:06:56,863 --> 00:06:58,497
your peen.
175
00:07:01,134 --> 00:07:03,002
The peen what I saw.
176
00:07:04,504 --> 00:07:05,838
Bonjour, le peen.
177
00:07:05,889 --> 00:07:06,939
You're blocking the door.
178
00:07:07,007 --> 00:07:08,307
Okay. Cool.
179
00:07:08,375 --> 00:07:10,059
Have fun on your date.
180
00:07:10,143 --> 00:07:12,061
Tell that guy to behave.
181
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,347
The adventure begins.
182
00:07:14,398 --> 00:07:16,048
Okay. Excuse me, Jess.
183
00:07:24,557 --> 00:07:27,577
- That was so horrible.
- What am I gonna do?
184
00:07:27,661 --> 00:07:30,246
He's never gonna speak to me
again. I'm so embarrassed.
185
00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:32,498
It's not a big deal.
I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
186
00:07:33,265 --> 00:07:34,166
You have?
187
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:36,335
I mean... how?
188
00:07:36,403 --> 00:07:37,420
We grew up together.
189
00:07:37,504 --> 00:07:39,105
Locker rooms,
swimming pools,
190
00:07:39,172 --> 00:07:40,539
penis fights...
it just happens.
191
00:07:40,591 --> 00:07:41,524
Why haven't I seen it?
192
00:07:42,292 --> 00:07:43,359
Why do you want to see it?
193
00:07:43,443 --> 00:07:44,410
He's my best friend.
194
00:07:44,961 --> 00:07:47,263
Again, why do you
want to see it?
195
00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:48,581
What if Nick gets
into an accident?
196
00:07:48,649 --> 00:07:50,616
What if he's
horribly disfigured,
197
00:07:50,684 --> 00:07:52,268
and I have to identify him,
198
00:07:52,352 --> 00:07:54,687
and all that remains
are his private parts?
199
00:07:54,754 --> 00:07:56,555
And I'm standing there
and I'm saying,
200
00:07:56,607 --> 00:07:58,691
"Sorry, Officer,
I can't help you,
201
00:07:58,758 --> 00:08:01,193
because no, I haven't
seen his penis."
202
00:08:01,261 --> 00:08:03,446
And then boom, he's buried
in an unmarked grave.
203
00:08:04,530 --> 00:08:06,615
Again, why do you
want to see it?
204
00:08:06,699 --> 00:08:08,150
- What did it look like?
- What do you mean?
205
00:08:08,235 --> 00:08:09,368
Just say when.
206
00:08:09,436 --> 00:08:10,769
Just sa... serious...
207
00:08:10,821 --> 00:08:12,922
Seriously? Are you se...
Are you serious?
208
00:08:12,990 --> 00:08:15,291
Okay, you know what.
This is impossible.
209
00:08:15,375 --> 00:08:16,608
I'm starting over.
210
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,328
Schmidt, I need your help.
211
00:08:19,413 --> 00:08:22,465
Okay... all right, Jess, fine.
212
00:08:22,549 --> 00:08:24,116
What happened
after you walked in?
213
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:26,385
I don't know.
I kind of laughed.
214
00:08:26,453 --> 00:08:28,888
Jess, you can't laugh
at a naked man,
215
00:08:28,955 --> 00:08:30,389
especially Nick.
216
00:08:30,457 --> 00:08:31,674
Nick is delicate...
217
00:08:32,258 --> 00:08:33,392
like a flower.
218
00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:35,645
Like a chubby, damaged flower
who hates himself.
219
00:08:35,729 --> 00:08:37,263
Now, listen to me.
You're gonna act
220
00:08:37,831 --> 00:08:39,465
like this never happened.
221
00:08:39,516 --> 00:08:40,433
We live together.
222
00:08:40,484 --> 00:08:41,467
We're a family.
223
00:08:41,518 --> 00:08:43,469
Families talk about things.
224
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,173
No. Families ignore things
until they go away.
225
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,841
Hey, Mom,
hey, Mom, hey, Mom,
226
00:08:48,909 --> 00:08:49,942
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
227
00:08:50,010 --> 00:08:51,661
Mom, Mom, Mom,
228
00:08:51,728 --> 00:08:53,512
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
229
00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:55,531
No one wants to talk
about their feelings, Jess.
230
00:08:56,115 --> 00:08:57,416
Never talk about this again.
231
00:08:57,484 --> 00:08:59,318
Okay. I'll ignore it.
232
00:09:00,671 --> 00:09:02,038
# Not gonna talk about... #
233
00:09:02,122 --> 00:09:03,706
Or sing about it.
234
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,174
The bing-bong. I'm done.
235
00:09:06,626 --> 00:09:08,294
This is my... my chambre.
236
00:09:08,845 --> 00:09:10,963
What does that mean?
237
00:09:11,714 --> 00:09:14,050
You're a good kisser.
238
00:09:14,634 --> 00:09:16,052
Can we, can we be serious?
239
00:09:16,136 --> 00:09:17,436
Do you mind just
being serious?
240
00:09:17,504 --> 00:09:18,771
I'm gonna get serious...
on your face.
241
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,225
I have no idea what that means.
242
00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:25,277
Actually, let's not laugh
when you're near my penis.
243
00:09:26,345 --> 00:09:27,196
Take it off.
244
00:09:28,865 --> 00:09:30,483
Here, just take
your shirt off.
245
00:09:39,659 --> 00:09:40,626
Can't...
246
00:09:41,193 --> 00:09:42,411
Here. Do...
247
00:09:42,496 --> 00:09:43,862
Do you want me to go first?
248
00:09:43,914 --> 00:09:45,247
You're offering just
to take your...
249
00:09:45,332 --> 00:09:46,832
Oh, my God!
250
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:49,251
Look at you.
251
00:09:50,336 --> 00:09:51,537
Take off your clothes now.
252
00:10:04,101 --> 00:10:06,718
President Obama.
253
00:10:06,770 --> 00:10:07,820
Yeah, I like him
to watch over me.
254
00:10:09,406 --> 00:10:13,025
Do you, like, want to take it
slow... or something?
255
00:10:16,328 --> 00:10:18,764
- This is nice.
- Yeah.
256
00:10:18,832 --> 00:10:21,033
It's starting to
even look like a triple rainbow.
257
00:10:22,569 --> 00:10:25,087
Oh, my God, it's full-on!
258
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:29,125
Hi, Nick.
259
00:10:30,743 --> 00:10:33,245
So I guess your date went well.
260
00:10:33,796 --> 00:10:35,030
Sleepover party.
261
00:10:36,583 --> 00:10:38,417
I have something from school
262
00:10:38,485 --> 00:10:40,219
that, um... made me
think of you.
263
00:10:48,061 --> 00:10:49,645
It's a Feeling Stick.
264
00:10:50,729 --> 00:10:51,697
Whoever's holding
a Feeling Stick
265
00:10:51,764 --> 00:10:53,816
has permission to say
whatever he or she is feeling
266
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,067
without being judged.
267
00:10:55,618 --> 00:10:57,103
I'll go first. Um...
268
00:10:57,170 --> 00:11:01,957
I feel like I want to know
what you're feeling.
269
00:11:11,918 --> 00:11:15,504
Believe it or not,
that's not the first time
270
00:11:15,589 --> 00:11:17,473
someone's broken
my Feeling Stick.
271
00:11:21,393 --> 00:11:22,544
- I have a travel size.
- No.
272
00:11:24,296 --> 00:11:25,314
Nick, wait!
273
00:11:27,149 --> 00:11:29,602
Nick, we have to talk
about this.
274
00:11:30,153 --> 00:11:31,520
What are you doing?
275
00:11:31,605 --> 00:11:34,240
I'm sorry I saw your doojer
and your chickadees.
276
00:11:34,307 --> 00:11:35,908
And I didn't mean
to laugh. I just...
277
00:11:35,975 --> 00:11:37,943
Then why did you laugh?
278
00:11:37,994 --> 00:11:39,445
Is there something
funny about it?
279
00:11:39,996 --> 00:11:40,696
No.
280
00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:42,414
It's beautiful.
281
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:44,215
Stately.
282
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:45,417
A real treat.
283
00:11:45,485 --> 00:11:46,535
Oh, my God.
284
00:11:50,757 --> 00:11:53,375
I think it's great you dance
naked to Jamaican music.
285
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:55,010
That's really cool.
286
00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,712
You should explore
your sexuality.
287
00:11:59,432 --> 00:12:02,334
- Nick?
- Excuse me.
288
00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:04,470
Come on, Nick.
I dance naked all the time.
289
00:12:05,021 --> 00:12:07,206
We have to talk about this.
290
00:12:08,642 --> 00:12:11,009
Ugh! Nick!
291
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,537
Nick, please talk to me.
292
00:12:21,621 --> 00:12:23,455
Jess, there's nothing
to talk about.
293
00:12:23,522 --> 00:12:24,623
You ruined my date.
294
00:12:24,691 --> 00:12:26,825
Every time I tried
to take my clothes off, Jess,
295
00:12:27,377 --> 00:12:29,161
I heard your little...
296
00:12:29,212 --> 00:12:31,046
Your little crazy
giggle scream.
297
00:12:31,131 --> 00:12:33,916
And all I want to do
is have meaningless sex
298
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,703
with a beautiful woman who, yes,
talks in mind-bending riddles.
299
00:12:38,254 --> 00:12:39,421
But I can't,
300
00:12:40,006 --> 00:12:41,306
because I can't
get your little...
301
00:12:43,574 --> 00:12:45,010
...out of my head!
302
00:12:48,147 --> 00:12:49,899
Well, maybe you don't want
to have meaningless sex.
303
00:12:49,983 --> 00:12:51,183
Maybe that's
not your style.
304
00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:52,518
I have a bing-bong
and chickadees.
305
00:12:52,569 --> 00:12:54,353
It is my style.
306
00:12:55,605 --> 00:12:57,222
Stop following me.
307
00:12:57,274 --> 00:12:58,574
Then stop running
away from me.
308
00:12:58,658 --> 00:13:00,526
I just want to have
a mature conversation.
309
00:13:00,577 --> 00:13:02,060
How can we have a
mature conversation
310
00:13:02,112 --> 00:13:03,946
when you can't even
say the word "penis"?
311
00:13:04,014 --> 00:13:06,282
I can say the word "pen..."
312
00:13:06,366 --> 00:13:07,899
- Say it.
- I...
313
00:13:08,451 --> 00:13:09,985
"Peernyas."
314
00:13:10,553 --> 00:13:12,320
- What?
- "Peernis."
315
00:13:12,388 --> 00:13:14,039
You said "peernis."
316
00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:16,241
- # Penis. #
- Not singing.
317
00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:18,243
Penis.
318
00:13:18,295 --> 00:13:19,561
Not like a ghoul.
319
00:13:19,629 --> 00:13:21,880
I... I can say it!
320
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,801
- Pianist.
- No, you said "pianist."
321
00:13:25,885 --> 00:13:28,137
- Enispay!
- Not pig Latin.
322
00:13:28,221 --> 00:13:29,939
- "Peernis."
- Okay, not in Swedish.
323
00:13:30,023 --> 00:13:31,440
- "Pemo."
- Not in fake Italian.
324
00:13:31,524 --> 00:13:33,141
Penis!
325
00:13:33,726 --> 00:13:34,893
Shut up!
326
00:13:35,928 --> 00:13:37,980
- Say it with me... "pe...
- Pe...
327
00:13:38,064 --> 00:13:39,931
- ...nis."
- ...neers.
328
00:13:39,983 --> 00:13:42,234
Yeah, I'm the one
that's immature.
329
00:13:52,078 --> 00:13:53,996
- Hey, man.
- Aah!
330
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:55,297
I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.
331
00:13:55,382 --> 00:13:57,099
- What?
- Just the gun.
332
00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,418
- No.
- Just the roses.
333
00:13:59,469 --> 00:14:01,720
- What?
- Just the hub, where it connects.
334
00:14:01,788 --> 00:14:03,706
- Get out.
- Fine!
335
00:14:03,773 --> 00:14:04,923
I thought we were
best friends.
336
00:14:04,975 --> 00:14:06,175
We are.
337
00:14:06,259 --> 00:14:07,476
Apparently not.
338
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:09,661
Best friends
don't do this, Schmidt.
339
00:14:09,729 --> 00:14:10,863
They do it
all the time.
340
00:14:13,871 --> 00:14:16,355
- You laughed?
- Yeah, I couldn't help it.
341
00:14:16,907 --> 00:14:19,124
Did you freak out and make
that noise that you always make?
342
00:14:19,142 --> 00:14:20,993
What? I don't always
make a noise.
343
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:26,966
Fine.
344
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:27,867
I guess I missed the moment
345
00:14:27,918 --> 00:14:29,885
when everybody got cool
about sex.
346
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,206
I really messed up.
347
00:14:34,257 --> 00:14:36,308
Ah, guys are simple.
348
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,811
You know what I would do?
I would just make it even.
349
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,013
You've seen his; show him yours.
350
00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:42,681
No.
351
00:14:42,732 --> 00:14:44,383
I can't do that.
352
00:14:45,568 --> 00:14:46,752
Hey, Winston.
353
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:49,221
Oh, no. Oh, man.
354
00:14:49,272 --> 00:14:51,190
The interview?
Did you mess up?
355
00:14:51,241 --> 00:14:53,392
No, I didn't mess up.
356
00:14:53,943 --> 00:14:55,744
Killed it. I was amazing.
357
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:57,370
At one point, I
was on the outside...
358
00:14:57,450 --> 00:14:59,930
...of my body
watching myself be amazing.
359
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,890
- Well, that's a good thing, right?
- The woman asked me...
360
00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:03,940
...why I wanted to sell
medical supplies.
361
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:06,100
I had no answer.
362
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:10,230
I've done anything but play
basketball my entire life.
363
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,380
"Winston Bishop is an
American basketball player
364
00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:14,340
"who played
professionally in Latvia
365
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,550
and he loves ducks".
366
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,280
Winston, did you write
the part about the ducks?
367
00:15:20,850 --> 00:15:22,090
I don't even like
ducks that much, man.
368
00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:23,400
Okay, look, man.
369
00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:25,490
You got to get off
Wikipedia, alright?
370
00:15:25,590 --> 00:15:26,430
You're going crazy.
371
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,070
I was the guy who
was good enough
372
00:15:28,130 --> 00:15:29,650
to play in Latvia.
373
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:32,470
And then one day,
I don't know, man...
374
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:33,500
I just lost it.
375
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,810
They found another
black guy.
376
00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:38,800
Labak melno virietis.
377
00:15:38,870 --> 00:15:41,390
- Means "the better black guy".
- A better melno?
378
00:15:41,430 --> 00:15:43,080
- You're-you're the best melno.
- I don't know, man.
379
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,379
- I just don't know what comes next.
- You know what you do next?
380
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,470
Come on. You're gonna get up.
Let's get up. Come on, buddy.
381
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,620
We're gonna get you
out of the house.
382
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,460
We're gonna get you moving.
It's gonna feel good.
383
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,090
Whoo! This feels good.
384
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,470
Totally. I love it.
385
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,660
You know, I think I was
just scared, man.
386
00:15:57,710 --> 00:15:59,330
I've been playing basketball
my whole entire life.
387
00:16:00,090 --> 00:16:01,150
What if I was
wasting my time?
388
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,420
Maybe I should have been
figuring out my life like you.
389
00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:05,600
I don't have
anything figured out.
390
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,520
I'm a fully-grown man
with roommates.
391
00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:09,550
I have a stupid job.
I'm single.
392
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,220
My best friend won't even
let me see his penis.
393
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,440
I mean, my whole life
is a sham.
394
00:16:14,490 --> 00:16:15,450
Aah!
395
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,670
I actually feel
a lot better.
396
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,690
Thanks, Schmidt.
397
00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:21,340
Winston, my legs!
398
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:23,010
- Schmidt?
- My legs are seizing up.
399
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,230
- Schmidt!
- I hate my life. I hate my...
400
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,820
...making new discoveries.
401
00:16:26,870 --> 00:16:28,300
I'm a fear-based
person, apparently.
402
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:29,690
Stop it. Go.
I need a...
403
00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:32,000
Give me a hug, please. 911.
404
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:33,430
Ow. Ow.
405
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:38,540
Hey.
406
00:16:39,113 --> 00:16:40,000
Hey.
407
00:16:40,090 --> 00:16:42,510
I'm sorry about
last night, Amanda.
408
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:45,490
So you're... you're, like,
super into "cuddling".
409
00:16:45,530 --> 00:16:47,980
No, I'm not super
into cuddling.
410
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,790
I'm just getting out
of a relationship
411
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,530
and I think I got nervous.
412
00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:55,030
I've heard that I'm
not great at talking about
413
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,440
what I'm feeling
all the time
414
00:16:58,510 --> 00:17:00,830
and so I'm sorry
about last night.
415
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:03,950
Honesty.
416
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,470
I like that.
417
00:17:19,770 --> 00:17:21,120
Really nice.
418
00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:23,110
Oh, yeah?
419
00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:27,246
We're doing it.
420
00:17:27,570 --> 00:17:29,890
- Oh, yeah!
- You're so hot...
421
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,470
Okay.
422
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,440
Yeah. Yeah.
423
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:34,940
- Alrigh, wow.
- Yeah.
424
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:35,939
Oh wow.
This is happening.
425
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:37,341
Take off your pants.
Take off your pants!
426
00:17:37,342 --> 00:17:38,310
Okay, okay.
427
00:17:38,450 --> 00:17:39,120
Yeah, take your pants off.
428
00:17:39,150 --> 00:17:40,110
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
429
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:40,750
- You want me to take them off?
- Yeah.
430
00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:41,920
- Want me to?
- Yeah. Take them off.
431
00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:43,260
- Okay. Want me to take these off?
- Yeah.
432
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,830
Okay, lights on, pants off.
Here we go.
433
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,090
Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
434
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:50,690
Oh, I'm totally
cool with this.
435
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,540
Yeah.
All right.
436
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,800
Okay.
437
00:17:57,140 --> 00:17:58,820
What are you doing?!
438
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,040
What is...?! Who is that?!
439
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,410
What are you doing?!
440
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,250
Hi. I'm Jess.
441
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,430
Welcome to our home.
442
00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:23,450
We live in a world with rules.
We knock.
443
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,460
We have doors.
444
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,060
And we knock on those doors.
445
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,210
I'm sorry, Nick.
446
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:31,090
Just knock!
447
00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:36,730
Nick.
448
00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:37,730
I...
449
00:18:37,790 --> 00:18:39,690
- Put that down.
- But we have to talk.
450
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:40,920
Nothing to talk about.
451
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,460
I feel that Nick is not
honoring the Feeling Stick.
452
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,020
I feel me, too.
453
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,880
I feel Schmidt's had
454
00:18:55,915 --> 00:18:57,660
a particularly bad day,
455
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,490
and I feel that if Nick is
truly Schmidt's friend,
456
00:19:00,590 --> 00:19:02,990
he would show Schmidt
what's in his pants.
457
00:19:04,290 --> 00:19:05,710
I feel supported.
458
00:19:05,790 --> 00:19:08,000
What is going on with you two?
459
00:19:08,535 --> 00:19:10,000
What are you doing?
460
00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:12,940
I feel Nick is yelling.
461
00:19:12,990 --> 00:19:15,200
Stop it!
462
00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:20,390
Yo. I just wanted
to thank you
463
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,690
for taking me running.
464
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,510
Made me feel
a lot better.
465
00:19:24,570 --> 00:19:26,340
Now, I might not have a job
or anything but...
466
00:19:26,375 --> 00:19:28,150
at least I can run a mile.
467
00:19:28,190 --> 00:19:31,070
I mean, watching you try to run,
yeah, that was just pathetic.
468
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:32,710
I needed that.
469
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,040
I suffer from
exercise-induced asthma.
470
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:36,650
Do you suffer
from exercise-induced crying?
471
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:39,410
It's a real thing,
man, okay? EIA.
472
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,180
You know what I learned
from the Internet?
473
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:43,320
We got nothing to worry about.
474
00:19:43,370 --> 00:19:45,740
Everybody has
their moment.
475
00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:47,340
We might get a cat one day.
476
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,690
That cat might play
the keyboard.
477
00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:50,330
A bear might fall
on our trampoline.
478
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:53,060
We don't need to have it
figured out right now.
479
00:19:54,395 --> 00:19:55,670
Our moments will come.
480
00:19:58,010 --> 00:19:59,100
Hey, man.
481
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,370
Let's keep bro'ing out.
482
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,510
Come in.
483
00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:07,729
Jess, you don't have to knock
484
00:20:07,730 --> 00:20:09,680
once you're
in the room.
485
00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:13,910
I worked on something for you.
486
00:20:14,990 --> 00:20:16,300
All right.
487
00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:20,220
Penis.
488
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,170
Very good.
489
00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:24,580
Thank you.
490
00:20:24,670 --> 00:20:26,870
Um, so did Amanda
call you back?
491
00:20:27,020 --> 00:20:28,510
No, I don't see Amanda
calling me back.
492
00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:30,420
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
493
00:20:30,470 --> 00:20:31,640
Maybe you were right.
494
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:32,554
Maybe I'm not ready
495
00:20:32,555 --> 00:20:34,630
for meaningless sex
with beautiful women.
496
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,840
Well, you know,
maybe when you are
497
00:20:37,910 --> 00:20:40,770
you'll be able to show
her your other penis.
498
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:42,880
Your heart penis.
499
00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:44,680
- Get out of my room.
- Okay.
500
00:20:44,750 --> 00:20:47,940
Hey, um,
when I was, um,
501
00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:49,610
leaving in a hurry
502
00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:54,650
um, did you see
503
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,030
everything?
504
00:20:56,711 --> 00:20:57,510
Yup.
505
00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,150
Even my...
506
00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:00,790
my gumbo pot?
507
00:21:00,870 --> 00:21:04,040
Ugh. Gumbo pot? Get out.
508
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:19,640
Get out, Schmidt.
509
00:21:20,090 --> 00:21:22,340
I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.