1
00:00:13,174 --> 00:00:15,675
Meow.
2
00:00:24,185 --> 00:00:25,418
Wait, wait.
3
00:00:25,486 --> 00:00:26,720
Are we really gonna do this?
4
00:00:26,788 --> 00:00:29,055
- Yes. Yes!
- Okay.
5
00:00:29,122 --> 00:00:32,291
# Intercourse,
intercourse. #
6
00:00:32,358 --> 00:00:35,094
Intercourse.
7
00:00:36,329 --> 00:00:37,563
Sorry, that was weird.
8
00:00:37,630 --> 00:00:38,931
No, no, no.
It's okay.
9
00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:40,132
I have to go to the loo.
10
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,101
Okay.
11
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:45,269
Hey, tiger.
12
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,172
You're having sex tonight.
13
00:00:50,242 --> 00:00:52,510
Don't give me that look,
just do it.
14
00:00:54,646 --> 00:00:56,447
I'm sorry.
15
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:58,116
No. You kidding?
16
00:00:58,184 --> 00:00:59,717
Don't worry about it.
17
00:00:59,784 --> 00:01:02,252
It's fine.
18
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,221
I just haven't had
sex with anyone
19
00:01:04,288 --> 00:01:07,624
but Spencer in six years,
and I get so nervous.
20
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:11,228
It's like starting a new job
with a really weird interview.
21
00:01:11,295 --> 00:01:13,163
Don't worry about it.
I'm good.
22
00:01:13,231 --> 00:01:14,631
I'm more than good.
23
00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:15,898
It's okay.
24
00:01:15,966 --> 00:01:17,066
You know what?
25
00:01:17,134 --> 00:01:18,201
Tomorrow night.
26
00:01:18,268 --> 00:01:19,401
Let's just go out to dinner
27
00:01:19,469 --> 00:01:21,037
and then just nail each other.
28
00:01:21,105 --> 00:01:22,471
Just pound each other.
29
00:01:22,539 --> 00:01:23,773
V-bomb on the P-bomb.
30
00:01:25,342 --> 00:01:28,111
I would have the... P-bomb,
right?
31
00:01:28,579 --> 00:01:30,880
# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #
32
00:01:31,997 --> 00:01:35,020
1x08
- Bad in Bed -
33
00:01:36,719 --> 00:01:38,386
Yes, I'm confirming
the appointment.
34
00:01:38,455 --> 00:01:39,988
I made the damn appointment.
35
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,222
That's what. Why wouldn't...
36
00:01:41,290 --> 00:01:42,257
Yeah, okay.
37
00:01:42,325 --> 00:01:43,224
Appointment confirmed.
38
00:01:43,292 --> 00:01:45,861
Thank you. Thank you very much.
39
00:01:45,929 --> 00:01:47,528
Yeah, there's not a chance
I'm going.
40
00:01:47,596 --> 00:01:48,830
Can you not do
this to yourself?
41
00:01:48,897 --> 00:01:50,331
Look at your hair,
you look ridiculous.
42
00:01:50,398 --> 00:01:51,332
What am I supposed to talk
about for an hour?
43
00:01:51,399 --> 00:01:52,333
It's a haircut.
44
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,901
No, you're trapped.
45
00:01:53,969 --> 00:01:55,570
You can't move,
and they're standing
46
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:56,971
behind you with their hands
47
00:01:57,038 --> 00:01:58,005
in your hair, and they expect
48
00:01:58,073 --> 00:01:59,073
you to talk back.
49
00:01:59,140 --> 00:02:01,876
Oh, yeah, it's your baby.
50
00:02:01,944 --> 00:02:03,710
He's cute.
51
00:02:03,778 --> 00:02:06,145
Yeah, your baby's cute.
52
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:08,548
Okay, I tell you what, man,
just come to my place.
53
00:02:08,616 --> 00:02:10,116
No, I'm not going to
a black barbershop, Winston.
54
00:02:10,184 --> 00:02:13,587
I've seen the movies;
I know how fast they talk.
55
00:02:13,654 --> 00:02:15,856
I don't need to seem
any less cool than I already do.
56
00:02:15,923 --> 00:02:16,890
Want to go to my salon?
57
00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:17,958
Hey, guys.
58
00:02:18,025 --> 00:02:19,925
- Hey.
- So, um...
59
00:02:19,993 --> 00:02:21,460
heads up, Paul's
coming tonight.
60
00:02:21,528 --> 00:02:23,261
And I just wanted to tell you
61
00:02:23,329 --> 00:02:25,397
that I'm gonna tap him
like a maple tree.
62
00:02:25,465 --> 00:02:26,799
I'm gonna be searching
for some syrups.
63
00:02:28,401 --> 00:02:29,668
I'm gonna be having sex
with him.
64
00:02:29,736 --> 00:02:30,603
- All right.
- All right, hey!
65
00:02:30,670 --> 00:02:31,637
Why are you telling us this?
66
00:02:31,638 --> 00:02:33,606
'Cause I want to.
I want to give you a heads up.
67
00:02:33,673 --> 00:02:35,140
You nervous?
You need tips?
68
00:02:35,208 --> 00:02:37,008
No, I'm not nervous.
69
00:02:37,075 --> 00:02:39,076
Just, you know,
I can drive stick.
70
00:02:39,144 --> 00:02:40,845
Yeah, 'cause it seems like
71
00:02:40,913 --> 00:02:41,946
you're freaking out
a little bit.
72
00:02:42,014 --> 00:02:43,548
With this whole activity.
73
00:02:43,616 --> 00:02:44,983
That's not stick,
that's automatic.
74
00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:46,150
That's not automatic.
75
00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:50,154
Another bathroom break,
Schmidt?
76
00:02:50,222 --> 00:02:51,755
You know, I've been
timing you all day.
77
00:02:51,823 --> 00:02:53,289
Seven minutes and 23 seconds.
78
00:02:53,357 --> 00:02:55,158
I wonder what was
going on in there.
79
00:02:55,226 --> 00:02:57,160
Hmm? You pooped.
80
00:02:57,228 --> 00:02:58,495
Can you stop timing me, please?
81
00:02:58,563 --> 00:02:59,796
It's ridiculous
that you do that.
82
00:02:59,864 --> 00:03:00,797
I will break you.
83
00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:02,098
Hey, Lisa!
84
00:03:02,166 --> 00:03:03,800
You were on fire
last night, girl!
85
00:03:03,868 --> 00:03:04,868
I'm taking her job.
86
00:03:04,936 --> 00:03:06,870
What did you do last night?
87
00:03:06,938 --> 00:03:09,271
Everyone from the office went
to Jill's bachelorette party.
88
00:03:09,339 --> 00:03:10,940
Why don't I get invited places?
89
00:03:11,008 --> 00:03:12,708
Is it because I'm the only man
in the office?
90
00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:15,177
- "Man." That's adorable.
- How is it...
91
00:03:15,245 --> 00:03:16,078
You know, Sarah got promoted.
92
00:03:16,146 --> 00:03:17,112
Sarah?
93
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:18,514
With the, with the gums?
94
00:03:18,582 --> 00:03:19,782
- Yeah.
- So she's out of the...
95
00:03:19,850 --> 00:03:21,684
That corner cubicle is free.
96
00:03:25,254 --> 00:03:26,922
So much kick-back space.
97
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:31,192
And, you know, Gina
personally invited me
98
00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:32,794
to her baby shower tonight.
99
00:03:32,862 --> 00:03:37,666
So that corner cubicle...
that's all mine.
100
00:03:37,733 --> 00:03:39,200
You like a Bond villain?
101
00:03:39,268 --> 00:03:40,734
You just told me
your whole plan.
102
00:03:47,175 --> 00:03:49,877
Mr. Darcy's going to love
my new bonnet.
103
00:03:49,945 --> 00:03:52,179
Why are we here?
104
00:03:52,246 --> 00:03:53,747
You don't understand.
105
00:03:53,815 --> 00:03:55,248
You've never been
cheated on before.
106
00:03:55,316 --> 00:03:57,050
Spencer and I never
tried anything new,
107
00:03:57,117 --> 00:04:01,187
and maybe if I'd been...
more erotic...
108
00:04:01,254 --> 00:04:04,156
Spencer cheated on you
because he's a total jerk,
109
00:04:04,224 --> 00:04:05,491
not 'cause you're bad in bed.
110
00:04:05,559 --> 00:04:07,193
It's been six years.
111
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:09,195
Everything I know about sex,
I learned from Spencer
112
00:04:09,262 --> 00:04:10,964
or the Clinton
impeachment trial.
113
00:04:11,031 --> 00:04:12,965
He used a cigar as a sexual aid
114
00:04:13,032 --> 00:04:14,666
with her in
the Oval Office area...
115
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:16,068
- Jess!
- Mom?!
116
00:04:16,635 --> 00:04:18,670
I'm not listening to NPR.
117
00:04:20,238 --> 00:04:21,807
No. No whistle.
118
00:04:21,874 --> 00:04:23,742
It's terrible!
119
00:04:25,979 --> 00:04:27,212
Uh, excusez-moi.
120
00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:29,279
Can I try this on, please?
121
00:04:29,347 --> 00:04:30,982
Oh, the starfish.
You can't try that on.
122
00:04:31,049 --> 00:04:31,983
Health code.
123
00:04:32,450 --> 00:04:34,051
I'll take it!
124
00:04:34,119 --> 00:04:36,153
Ha!
125
00:04:36,221 --> 00:04:38,623
I hope Paul's packing
some coral polyps,
126
00:04:38,690 --> 00:04:41,191
'cause this starfish is hungry.
127
00:04:43,328 --> 00:04:44,495
Starfish eat coral polyps.
128
00:04:44,562 --> 00:04:46,229
Just pay, Jess.
129
00:04:46,296 --> 00:04:48,865
So today I'm gonna show you
how to cut your own hair.
130
00:04:48,933 --> 00:04:50,500
Uh, I consider myself...
131
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:52,602
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell
are you doing, Nick?
132
00:04:52,670 --> 00:04:54,838
It's a haircut!
Human interaction.
133
00:04:54,905 --> 00:04:57,340
You're a bartender, you talk
to strangers every single day.
134
00:04:57,407 --> 00:04:59,242
I don't like when they
touch my head, Winston.
135
00:04:59,309 --> 00:05:00,542
I don't like it.
136
00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:02,611
Go to the damn salon!
137
00:05:02,679 --> 00:05:04,179
No, it's fine, okay?
138
00:05:04,247 --> 00:05:05,681
I'm learning
how to do it myself.
139
00:05:05,749 --> 00:05:07,016
I'm learning from this video.
140
00:05:09,853 --> 00:05:11,419
- Oh!
- Oh, my God, man!
141
00:05:14,224 --> 00:05:15,724
I was wondering why
it had so many views.
142
00:05:15,791 --> 00:05:17,125
Let's watch it again.
143
00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:18,860
Hey.
144
00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:20,028
What?
145
00:05:20,095 --> 00:05:22,130
You know, Gina, I was
just walking by and, I mean,
146
00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:25,700
I was literally pulled in here
by the glow.
147
00:05:25,768 --> 00:05:28,503
- What do you want, Schmidt?
- I was just working my tail off
148
00:05:28,571 --> 00:05:30,605
at my cubicle, which, between
you and me, is surrounded
149
00:05:30,673 --> 00:05:32,473
by a couple of chatty Cathys.
150
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,707
I mean, that's really
their names.
151
00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:34,941
It's Cathy S. and Cathy G.
152
00:05:35,009 --> 00:05:36,076
Anyway, they won't shut up
153
00:05:36,144 --> 00:05:37,578
about a baby shower tonight
154
00:05:37,646 --> 00:05:40,080
for a certain VP VP.
155
00:05:40,148 --> 00:05:44,051
"Very pregnant vice presidente."
156
00:05:44,118 --> 00:05:46,086
You're the worst.
Seriously, the worst.
157
00:05:46,094 --> 00:05:47,094
Get out.
158
00:05:47,121 --> 00:05:49,189
Gina, honestly,
it would mean so much to me
159
00:05:49,256 --> 00:05:51,558
if you would just let me
come to your baby shower.
160
00:05:51,625 --> 00:05:53,660
Okay, fine.
Come to my baby shower.
161
00:05:53,727 --> 00:05:55,528
I can come?
- Yeah. So I'm invited?
162
00:05:55,596 --> 00:05:56,862
- Yeah, you're invited.
- All right.
163
00:05:56,930 --> 00:05:57,964
I saw your registry.
164
00:05:58,031 --> 00:05:59,265
I'm gonna get you one of those
portable baby pumps.
165
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:00,700
You're just out there
166
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,501
in every day life,
but you're pumping yourself
167
00:06:02,569 --> 00:06:03,635
at the same time, you know.
168
00:06:03,703 --> 00:06:05,403
Just milking away. Just...
169
00:06:05,470 --> 00:06:07,137
- Get out.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
170
00:06:09,275 --> 00:06:10,609
Why don't we meet here at 8:00?
171
00:06:10,677 --> 00:06:11,610
Great. Okay.
172
00:06:11,678 --> 00:06:13,044
Uh, where's the place?
173
00:06:13,112 --> 00:06:15,647
Um, I think it's in Koreatown.
174
00:06:16,315 --> 00:06:17,482
Let me check.
175
00:06:17,749 --> 00:06:19,084
Ooh, exotic.
176
00:06:20,185 --> 00:06:22,019
Let me see here.
177
00:06:24,989 --> 00:06:26,523
Jess?
178
00:06:26,591 --> 00:06:27,591
What?
179
00:06:27,658 --> 00:06:29,827
Oh, um...
180
00:06:29,894 --> 00:06:31,361
Sorry, uh...
181
00:06:31,429 --> 00:06:32,696
Can I call you back?
182
00:06:32,764 --> 00:06:34,164
Yeah.
183
00:06:37,667 --> 00:06:39,635
Hey, Schmidt!
184
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:42,238
Can I borrow your computer?
185
00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:45,274
Nick? Winston?
186
00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:54,850
What?
187
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,488
What?
188
00:07:04,025 --> 00:07:05,226
Hey, do you have my comput...
189
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:07,328
Oh, my computer.
190
00:07:07,396 --> 00:07:08,963
- I have your computer.
- I can see that.
191
00:07:09,030 --> 00:07:11,165
Hey, I got to cram
for this baby shower.
192
00:07:11,233 --> 00:07:12,900
Can I, can I have it back?
193
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:14,935
I've been watching porn.
194
00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:17,204
You...
195
00:07:17,272 --> 00:07:19,439
I found your red folder.
196
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,041
How-how long you been doing that for?
Are you okay?
197
00:07:21,109 --> 00:07:23,077
Five and a half hours.
198
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,114
Wow. Uh, you went deep, Jess.
199
00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:29,115
Real deep.
200
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:30,250
Help me, guys.
201
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:31,317
I have 15 minutes.
202
00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:33,586
Teach me how to be good at sex.
203
00:07:36,491 --> 00:07:38,991
I just, I have to
go on this date right now
204
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:42,328
and I can't do it.
I'm freaking out, okay?
205
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,430
I need all of you
to sit in front of me
206
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,565
and tell me what guys like
in bed, right now.
207
00:07:47,232 --> 00:07:48,033
What do you want to know?
208
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,067
Okay.
209
00:07:49,134 --> 00:07:51,369
Um, when you're...
210
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:52,837
if you're in the...
211
00:07:52,904 --> 00:07:55,539
if you're holding the...
212
00:07:55,607 --> 00:07:56,607
Start over.
213
00:07:56,675 --> 00:07:58,309
Um...
214
00:07:58,377 --> 00:08:00,211
when you reach...
215
00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:04,515
...completion...
216
00:08:04,583 --> 00:08:05,748
- Yeah, that was it.
- Completion?
217
00:08:05,816 --> 00:08:06,916
- No! No, wait.
- I can't do this, Jess.
218
00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:08,218
Come on. Come back here.
219
00:08:08,286 --> 00:08:10,653
Jess, guys want to
be whisked away.
220
00:08:10,721 --> 00:08:11,855
They want to be enchanted.
221
00:08:11,922 --> 00:08:13,023
Just take your
clothes off, Jess.
222
00:08:13,091 --> 00:08:14,591
Do you think that Paul
223
00:08:14,658 --> 00:08:16,426
watches stuff like that?
224
00:08:16,494 --> 00:08:17,894
- All the time.
- For sure.
225
00:08:17,962 --> 00:08:18,862
Probably watching it right now.
226
00:08:18,929 --> 00:08:19,863
Really? Okay.
227
00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:21,097
I put this on mute,
228
00:08:21,164 --> 00:08:22,264
because this girl's...
229
00:08:22,332 --> 00:08:23,732
like, pretty loud.
230
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,567
And, um, my main thing
231
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:26,869
that I took away was,
232
00:08:26,936 --> 00:08:29,038
gosh, that young lady can
233
00:08:29,106 --> 00:08:30,139
really multitask.
234
00:08:30,207 --> 00:08:31,307
- Super normal.
- She's a pro.
235
00:08:31,375 --> 00:08:32,308
- What she's doing.
- I don't know
236
00:08:32,376 --> 00:08:33,710
if every girl's like that,
but she's a pro.
237
00:08:33,777 --> 00:08:35,912
Was wondering if there
are any trendy moves.
238
00:08:35,979 --> 00:08:37,313
'Cause I've been
doing the same four
239
00:08:37,381 --> 00:08:40,716
for the last six years, like...
240
00:08:41,883 --> 00:08:43,851
Uh, and you know, like, uh...
241
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,221
That one.
242
00:08:46,288 --> 00:08:47,555
And I don't know.
243
00:08:47,623 --> 00:08:49,157
Do you think that Paul would be
244
00:08:49,225 --> 00:08:51,459
into, like,
something like that?
245
00:08:51,527 --> 00:08:52,860
What, a little light choking?
246
00:08:52,928 --> 00:08:55,095
I'm gonna bet Paul is into
some pretty dark stuff.
247
00:08:55,163 --> 00:08:57,231
- Light choking, really?
- No one's doing that.
248
00:08:57,298 --> 00:08:59,233
You know what, Nick, maybe you're
hooking up with the wrong kind of girl.
249
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,201
Apparently, I'm hooking up
with the right girl, Schmidt,
250
00:09:01,269 --> 00:09:02,970
because they don't choke me.
251
00:09:03,038 --> 00:09:04,971
Nick is a meat and potatoes
kind of guy.
252
00:09:04,972 --> 00:09:06,373
- Winston and I...
- Don't want to be a part of this.
253
00:09:06,441 --> 00:09:07,708
- ...we're sushi.
- So you guys really think
254
00:09:07,776 --> 00:09:08,775
you're better at sex than me.
255
00:09:08,843 --> 00:09:09,677
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
256
00:09:09,745 --> 00:09:12,111
What did you do after you lost your
virginity? What did you say to me?
257
00:09:12,179 --> 00:09:13,779
Don't say that right now.
You're taking it out of context.
258
00:09:13,847 --> 00:09:15,314
He said, "Winston,
is it okay that
259
00:09:15,382 --> 00:09:16,616
I didn't get my pants
all the way off?"
260
00:09:16,684 --> 00:09:18,117
That's a true story.
That really happened.
261
00:09:18,185 --> 00:09:20,353
I was 16 years old.
262
00:09:20,421 --> 00:09:22,255
And I've gotten a lot better.
263
00:09:22,322 --> 00:09:24,090
You haven't gotten that much
better. I used to listen
264
00:09:24,158 --> 00:09:25,924
to you and Caroline
all the time in college.
265
00:09:25,991 --> 00:09:27,592
It was like listening
to a rescue crew
266
00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:30,662
trying to communicate
with a stranded miner.
267
00:09:30,729 --> 00:09:32,897
"Are you okay?"
268
00:09:32,965 --> 00:09:35,900
"Yeah. Are you okay?"
269
00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:37,135
- "Yeah."
- Hey, guys,
270
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,170
I don't have much time.
271
00:09:38,237 --> 00:09:39,404
Can we get this back on track?
272
00:09:39,472 --> 00:09:41,505
I need to know what to do.
273
00:09:41,573 --> 00:09:43,974
Would flicking be,
like, a cool thing?
274
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,309
No.
275
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:46,444
- No!
- Absolutely not.
276
00:09:46,511 --> 00:09:47,511
How about role play?
277
00:09:47,579 --> 00:09:48,712
Do you know any voices?
278
00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:49,747
Yes. I can do
279
00:09:49,815 --> 00:09:52,316
an old-timey newscaster, like,
"Hey there, son,
280
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,451
I'm gonna kick you
into next Tuesday, see?"
281
00:09:54,518 --> 00:09:56,720
You're telling me,
for the last 15 years, you've been
282
00:09:56,788 --> 00:09:59,155
thinking I'm bad at sex.
I'm fantastic at sex.
283
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:00,923
Dude, you're scared
to get a haircut.
284
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,092
Yeah, I don't like
getting a haircut!
285
00:10:02,159 --> 00:10:03,694
It's too intimate. What does
that have to do with sex?
286
00:10:03,761 --> 00:10:04,595
Okay, Jess, here's
what you're gonna do.
287
00:10:04,662 --> 00:10:06,130
You got a question,
just come to me because
288
00:10:06,198 --> 00:10:08,999
- I'm obviously the best.
- No, you're not the best.
289
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,702
Jess, who do you think, of the
three of us, is the best at sex?
290
00:10:11,769 --> 00:10:12,753
Yes.
291
00:10:12,769 --> 00:10:13,903
And take emotion out of it.
292
00:10:13,971 --> 00:10:16,105
No one's feelings
are gonna get hurt.
293
00:10:16,172 --> 00:10:18,007
Go with your gut.
- Especially, you know, Nick and Winston's.
294
00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,475
No, I'm not doing this.
295
00:10:19,542 --> 00:10:21,077
- Say a name.
- Go with your gut.
296
00:10:22,445 --> 00:10:23,579
Oh. Oh!
297
00:10:24,147 --> 00:10:25,180
Hey! Paul!
298
00:10:25,248 --> 00:10:26,948
Hey, Paul.
299
00:10:28,718 --> 00:10:30,251
- Hey.
- Hey.
300
00:10:31,319 --> 00:10:34,755
Hey, goose.
301
00:10:36,992 --> 00:10:38,226
I'm gonna go get
ready in my room.
302
00:10:38,293 --> 00:10:39,461
- Okay.
- I'll be back.
303
00:10:39,529 --> 00:10:41,596
- I'll just hang out with the guys.
- Cool.
304
00:10:42,363 --> 00:10:42,997
Hey, guys.
305
00:10:43,064 --> 00:10:43,765
- What's up?
- What's up?
306
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:44,965
- What's up, Paul?
- Oh, you're
307
00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:45,966
looking at me like, "what?"
308
00:10:46,134 --> 00:10:47,167
I should tell you.
309
00:10:47,236 --> 00:10:50,003
Um, "Goose" is short for
"me gusta Jess."
310
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:51,605
- Of course.
- Come here, sit down, man.
311
00:11:12,324 --> 00:11:15,927
Thank you.
- I am so tired of people being so careful with me.
312
00:11:15,995 --> 00:11:17,928
It's like, I am 40
and I am pregnant.
313
00:11:17,996 --> 00:11:19,397
I am not made out of crackers.
314
00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:23,834
Hey, ladies
What are you guys talking about?
315
00:11:23,902 --> 00:11:25,770
- Afterbirth.
- Afterbirth.
316
00:11:25,837 --> 00:11:27,305
That's like the,
the party you guys have
317
00:11:27,373 --> 00:11:29,240
after you have the baby...
318
00:11:29,341 --> 00:11:31,543
Sort of.
- You know, I'd like to be invited to that.
319
00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:33,510
You know what they say,
"An afterbirth ain't an afterbirth
320
00:11:33,578 --> 00:11:35,046
without some Schmidt
up I in there."
321
00:11:35,047 --> 00:11:36,047
Schmidt? Come here.
322
00:11:36,548 --> 00:11:37,847
I'm gonna talk to you
in a little bit.
323
00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:39,283
- What are you doing?
- I'm rocking this party, Beth.
324
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,551
Watch this.
325
00:11:44,354 --> 00:11:46,856
Hi. How's everyboby doing?
326
00:11:46,924 --> 00:11:50,526
You know, I just, I just wanted
to take a moment to, well,
327
00:11:50,594 --> 00:11:52,261
to say how honored I am
to celebrate
328
00:11:52,329 --> 00:11:54,597
the journey of Bogart
329
00:11:54,665 --> 00:11:57,066
through Gina,
and out and into the light.
330
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,834
Here's to elective C-sections!
331
00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:06,941
Just face it, baby.
332
00:12:07,009 --> 00:12:08,710
You don't know the
first thing about women.
333
00:12:08,777 --> 00:12:11,379
Ah, you're the best, Beth.
I don't know if you know this
334
00:12:11,447 --> 00:12:14,316
about me, but I was in
two frats in college.
335
00:12:14,383 --> 00:12:16,117
Want to know why?
336
00:12:16,185 --> 00:12:17,785
'Cause I just couldn't decide.
337
00:12:17,853 --> 00:12:20,988
Hey, ladies!
Let's get this party started!
338
00:12:26,294 --> 00:12:28,495
We're all getting drunk tonight!
Except for you, Gina.
339
00:12:28,563 --> 00:12:30,264
Horribly irresponsible.
340
00:12:37,338 --> 00:12:39,339
So, I'm looking forward
to having sex tonight.
341
00:12:39,406 --> 00:12:41,608
Yeah. Me, too.
342
00:12:41,675 --> 00:12:44,210
Sex is the bomb.
343
00:12:44,278 --> 00:12:47,880
Sorry. That sounded like
a guy from Entourage.
344
00:12:47,948 --> 00:12:49,181
Do you like porn?
345
00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:51,784
No. Do you?
346
00:12:53,854 --> 00:12:55,520
Yeah, I mean, I... Yeah.
347
00:12:55,588 --> 00:12:57,489
I do, I do like pornos.
348
00:12:57,557 --> 00:12:59,358
Yeah, you know,
when my imagination
349
00:12:59,425 --> 00:13:01,426
isn't really working...
350
00:13:01,494 --> 00:13:04,964
or I've exhausted, uh,
the bullpen.
351
00:13:05,031 --> 00:13:06,799
I just find it very erotic.
352
00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:09,568
And then I just love, like...
353
00:13:09,636 --> 00:13:12,904
everything that's erotic.
354
00:13:19,411 --> 00:13:21,012
Yeah, party!
355
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,247
Party, yeah!
356
00:13:22,314 --> 00:13:23,514
Yeah, Gina! Yeah!
357
00:13:23,582 --> 00:13:25,650
Baby wants his bottle! Yeah!
358
00:13:26,717 --> 00:13:28,414
Party!
359
00:13:35,959 --> 00:13:37,792
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
360
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,794
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!
361
00:13:44,799 --> 00:13:46,468
Ah-ha! Yeah!
362
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,702
This is so weird!
363
00:13:48,770 --> 00:13:49,771
I love it!
364
00:14:01,617 --> 00:14:03,718
I'm having a baby!
365
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:06,454
She's having a baby!
366
00:14:11,659 --> 00:14:13,226
Yeah!
367
00:14:17,665 --> 00:14:20,733
...the things people say
sometimes, I don't really...
368
00:14:20,801 --> 00:14:22,334
write it, but I think...
369
00:14:22,402 --> 00:14:23,836
Are we going to do this?
370
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,338
- Yeah. Definitely.
- Sit down.
371
00:14:27,406 --> 00:14:28,508
Okay.
372
00:14:31,512 --> 00:14:34,214
Whoa, wow.
373
00:14:34,281 --> 00:14:36,382
You are hot, hot, hot.
374
00:14:36,449 --> 00:14:38,950
Thank you.
Hello, weather service? Oh!
375
00:14:39,019 --> 00:14:43,421
There's a heat wave from
Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!
376
00:14:43,489 --> 00:14:45,690
I don't know, I don't...
what is happening.
377
00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:46,725
We're talking dirty, slim.
378
00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:48,894
Oh, okay. You want me to do...
you're doing a voice.
379
00:14:48,961 --> 00:14:51,330
You want me to do a voice?
Okay, um...
380
00:14:51,398 --> 00:14:54,632
Well, I'm so happy to be here!
381
00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:56,401
Jimmy Stewart?
382
00:14:57,468 --> 00:15:00,071
You look ravishing in your...
383
00:15:01,139 --> 00:15:01,506
netting...
384
00:15:01,573 --> 00:15:03,408
- Thank you very much.
- ...contraption.
385
00:15:03,475 --> 00:15:05,709
Now, why don't you let me
see your little caboose?
386
00:15:05,777 --> 00:15:07,445
Okay, here.
Let me go ahead and...
387
00:15:07,513 --> 00:15:08,878
- Your caboose.
- Oh, okay.
388
00:15:08,946 --> 00:15:10,480
- Your butt.
- Oh, my butt! Okay.
389
00:15:10,548 --> 00:15:12,649
Here's my caboose!
390
00:15:12,716 --> 00:15:14,684
Oh, happy birthday, me!
391
00:15:14,752 --> 00:15:17,554
- I... Oh.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
392
00:15:17,621 --> 00:15:20,057
- I'm so sorry. Is that okay?
- No, it was great.
393
00:15:20,124 --> 00:15:22,426
I just it felt
so good, and sensual.
394
00:15:22,493 --> 00:15:24,293
- Hey!
- You want me to wiggle it around?
395
00:15:24,361 --> 00:15:27,863
How about you help me get
a little more comfortable?
396
00:15:27,931 --> 00:15:30,232
Oh. Oh, all right, dear.
397
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:31,467
Okay, I just don't know...
398
00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:34,002
- I'm going to try something different.
- Oh. Okay, great.
399
00:15:34,071 --> 00:15:35,771
Young man!
400
00:15:35,838 --> 00:15:38,974
Young man, the things
I'm gonna do to you!
401
00:15:39,042 --> 00:15:43,244
- Well, I can't wait to...
- Young man, don't take all day.
402
00:15:43,312 --> 00:15:46,881
Well, I-I understand, ma'am, but
you're wearing chain mail here.
403
00:15:46,949 --> 00:15:48,383
I am not getting any younger.
404
00:15:48,451 --> 00:15:50,418
It's like an erotic
rope course.
405
00:15:50,486 --> 00:15:52,887
Okay, I...
let me try up here.
406
00:15:52,955 --> 00:15:54,855
I think it's...
I can't do the voice
407
00:15:54,923 --> 00:15:56,957
- and get this off at the same time...
- Okay.
408
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:59,726
- Oh. Is that, are you okay?
- Yes.
409
00:15:59,794 --> 00:16:01,795
Wow, this is a...
410
00:16:01,862 --> 00:16:05,099
I'm gonna split you like a log!
411
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:08,268
Okay. What are you...
wait, hold on. What is that?
412
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,037
It's a lumberjack.
413
00:16:11,106 --> 00:16:12,338
Hold on one second.
414
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:14,372
Can we just... start over,
415
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:15,874
and just kind of go back
to basics for a minute?
416
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,843
Just you and me.
417
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,078
- Okay.
- Okay.
418
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,447
Just our regular voices.
419
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:23,782
All right.
420
00:16:38,029 --> 00:16:38,863
See? So nice.
421
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,768
So nice...
422
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:46,637
Ah, you're hurting me.
423
00:16:46,704 --> 00:16:48,439
Oh, my God!
424
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,441
Oh, God.
425
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,042
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, I'm good, I'm good!
426
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:53,644
Let me get you some water.
427
00:16:53,711 --> 00:16:55,246
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
get some water at home.
428
00:16:55,313 --> 00:16:58,115
- I-I have good water at home.
- No, no, no, I have water here.
429
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,450
I have a filter,
it's a special ionized filter...
430
00:17:00,518 --> 00:17:01,451
I got at home.
431
00:17:08,271 --> 00:17:11,004
Oh, I'm so glad you convinced me
to go to your barbershop.
432
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:14,206
Wow, man. I...
it actually looks really good.
433
00:17:14,274 --> 00:17:16,342
Right? I look good.
434
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,811
And I loved it in there.
You think they liked me in there?
435
00:17:18,879 --> 00:17:20,179
I think they loved
you in there, man.
436
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,681
Okay, good.
437
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,883
- How'd it go?
- Is he still in there, Jess?
438
00:17:27,552 --> 00:17:28,754
No more tea.
439
00:17:29,821 --> 00:17:31,089
I forgot to buy tea.
440
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:45,502
Hello.
441
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,108
Where's...
442
00:17:51,175 --> 00:17:52,742
where's the door?
443
00:17:55,846 --> 00:17:56,547
Hey.
444
00:17:56,615 --> 00:17:59,749
What's up, Jess?
445
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,785
You okay, Jess?
446
00:18:01,852 --> 00:18:03,620
I messed up.
447
00:18:03,887 --> 00:18:05,855
He ran away. He got scared.
448
00:18:05,923 --> 00:18:07,423
Why would he be scared?
449
00:18:07,491 --> 00:18:09,425
Because I choked him.
450
00:18:09,493 --> 00:18:11,594
I lightly choked him.
451
00:18:11,662 --> 00:18:13,162
Wow.
452
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:15,363
That's what happens
when you listen to Schmidt.
453
00:18:15,431 --> 00:18:17,032
It's just...
when I was with Spencer,
454
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:19,101
I just didn't even think
about this stuff, you know?
455
00:18:19,168 --> 00:18:22,004
- Just did it.
- Okay.
456
00:18:22,071 --> 00:18:23,939
Here's the thing.
457
00:18:24,007 --> 00:18:25,674
You gotta stop
thinking about it.
458
00:18:25,742 --> 00:18:27,375
Just relax, and be yourself.
459
00:18:27,443 --> 00:18:28,610
You're awesome.
460
00:18:28,678 --> 00:18:29,911
What do you think, Winston?
461
00:18:29,979 --> 00:18:31,946
Why are you asking Winston?
462
00:18:32,014 --> 00:18:33,681
Because, Nick,
look at your hair.
463
00:18:33,749 --> 00:18:35,616
You really don't look like
someone who's good at sex.
464
00:18:35,684 --> 00:18:37,518
I can't believe
you just said that.
465
00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:39,319
Here's what you do. You're
gonna stop worrying about it.
466
00:18:39,387 --> 00:18:42,023
- Completely.
- Yeah. That's really good.
467
00:18:42,090 --> 00:18:43,590
That's literally
what I just said.
468
00:18:43,659 --> 00:18:44,825
What are you worried about,
anyway?
469
00:18:44,893 --> 00:18:47,060
Paul doesn't care what you do.
470
00:18:47,128 --> 00:18:48,862
I've seen the way
that boy looks at you.
471
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:50,764
And he is crazy about you.
472
00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:52,032
- I agree, I...
- Shh.
473
00:18:52,099 --> 00:18:54,433
I'm trying to listen
to Winston.
474
00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,305
- Oh, hi!
- Hi.
475
00:18:59,373 --> 00:19:01,107
- Paul.
- Hey, Winston.
476
00:19:01,175 --> 00:19:02,475
Could I talk to you
for a minute?
477
00:19:02,543 --> 00:19:04,343
Yeah.
478
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,579
We'll...
step into my office.
479
00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:08,281
- Okay. Hey, Nick.
- Okay.
480
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,852
Um...
481
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,055
- Hi.
- Hi.
482
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,559
- So, last night was, um...
- No, I'm so sorry.
483
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:22,861
- No, no, don't, please...
- Unacceptable.
484
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:25,363
I'm really intimidated
by you, Jess.
485
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,866
You're so experienced, and I've
never done any of that stuff,
486
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,903
that S and M style...
bondage stuff.
487
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,238
It scares me a little, but I...
488
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,540
want to do it, because I know
that you're into it.
489
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,643
Just please be gentle
with me at first, okay?
490
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:41,012
I really like you.
491
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,380
Really?
492
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:45,282
Yeah, I do.
493
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,151
And nothing else matters.
494
00:19:48,519 --> 00:19:49,887
Except, just...
495
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:52,723
no fire, and no handcuffs, please.
Please, please, please.
496
00:19:52,790 --> 00:19:55,058
Okay? And I'm allergic to felt.
497
00:19:55,126 --> 00:19:56,693
And most polyurethanes.
498
00:19:57,461 --> 00:19:59,395
Okay, well, that's it.
499
00:20:02,232 --> 00:20:03,799
And no bugs, too,
I don't know if that was...
500
00:20:03,867 --> 00:20:05,034
Paul.
501
00:20:05,102 --> 00:20:06,236
Wait. Um...
502
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,975
Last night was kind of a...
low point for me. I mean...
503
00:20:14,043 --> 00:20:17,279
I'm not really into that stuff.
I just... I thought that
504
00:20:17,347 --> 00:20:19,948
whatever I used to do
wouldn't be good enough,
505
00:20:20,015 --> 00:20:22,618
or sexy enough,
or advanced enough,
506
00:20:22,685 --> 00:20:24,386
- and that's why I did that...
- Oh no!
507
00:20:24,454 --> 00:20:26,254
Sorry.
- Oh, no. No, it's okay, it just surprised me
508
00:20:26,255 --> 00:20:29,524
- a little bit.
- I just...
509
00:20:29,592 --> 00:20:30,858
I like you.
510
00:20:34,396 --> 00:20:37,331
Well, good.
511
00:20:37,399 --> 00:20:39,367
I'll walk you down.
512
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:40,669
Okay.
513
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,941
Oh! Um, the new trombones
came in...
514
00:20:49,009 --> 00:20:51,278
Paul...
515
00:21:18,704 --> 00:21:20,704
You know that doesn't speed it up
when you do that.
516
00:21:20,772 --> 00:21:21,639
I know, I know.
517
00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:26,043
We're about to go see a movie.
518
00:21:26,111 --> 00:21:27,145
You guys want to come?
519
00:21:27,213 --> 00:21:29,047
- Sure.
- Sure.
520
00:21:30,115 --> 00:21:32,317
Hey, Jess?
Is that your shoe?
521
00:21:36,454 --> 00:21:38,255
Boy, your haircut
look like a high-rise.
522
00:21:41,059 --> 00:21:43,060
Where the penthouse at?
523
00:21:43,128 --> 00:21:45,462
Hey, old man, what,
did you steal those pants
524
00:21:45,530 --> 00:21:46,997
off of Danny Glover's
grandfather?
525
00:21:52,002 --> 00:21:55,671
I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
526
00:21:56,439 --> 00:21:57,606
I'm a big fan of his work.
527
00:21:57,674 --> 00:21:59,442
He's great
in the Lethal Weapons.
528
00:22:01,009 --> 00:22:02,945
No, I'm not.