I can't believe Jess got me roller skates for Christmas.
I feel so free.
- Don't. - See this.
"Merry Christmas, Brendan.
Don't swallow these. Love, Uncle Nick."
It's a great gift. He's a 12-year-old kid,
it's a bunch of tacks. He's going to love 'em.
- Give it to me. - I hate Christmas.
First of all, it means that Hanukkah is over.
Second of all, I hate it when you guys leave and go home.
When are you leaving?
- I think 4:00 a.m. - Tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
Is that it? Schmidt,
don't worry about it, man, we're all gonna
hang out tonight at your office party.
Please tell me you're not dressing up
like Santa this year, are you?
I'm the only man in the office.
Of course I'm gonna dress up like Santa.
Look, I like it.
I get all this dirt on my coworkers.
They get drunk and they whisper what they want
for Christmas in my ear, and then I use that information
to subtly undermine them and control them
for the rest of the year.
Ah, the true spirit of Christmas.
Winston, you'd better watch it, man,
because I will take you down.
You want to go? You want to go?
You're gonna take me down? I had figure skating lessons
until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up
and realized I was a boy. Let's do this.
- You should not have said that. - Hey, guys, guys, don't fight.
- Let's go. - You're wearing roller skates.
- I'm telling you, man. - Both of you, enough, hey, hey.
Nothing's smart about what you guys are doing.
Why don't you both act like grown-ups?
- No, no. - I need your help right now.
I need you guys to get in my car
and come with me to the mall 'cause I really need
to figure out what to buy Paul for...
You guys are all wearing
the holiday gifts I gave you.
- No, I... - That is so sweet.
I need to take a picture.
Jess, don't take a photo right now.
- So cute. - Don't do the photo.
- Please, no pictures. - So cute, so cute.
# Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? #
1x09 - The 23rd -
So why can't you figure out what to get your boyfriend Paul?
I don't know.
Maybe 'cause we've only been going out for, like, a month,
so I know it's not something fancy.
But do I get him a gag gift or do I get him something sweet?
I don't know.
Well, I think you got to figure out what you feel about him
and then get a gift that reflects it.
I think that's kind of the move.
My initial thought was to get him a gift certificate
for piping hot sex.
Really... oh, you're being serious?
But I don't want him to think
that I'm using him for his body.
I'm sure he'd be okay with that.
"Nerdy weird sex that works for both of us."
- Give it back. - This is amazing.
- No, come on. - I'm gonna keep this.
I'm gonna cash this in one night and get
- some weird nerd sex with it. - No, but it's not for you.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Now I know what I'm getting my mom.
- Oh, my God, Nick. - It's going right to my mom.
Why do we have to go to this office party tonight?
Because it's the last night
before you guys go home to your families,
and we got to blow this thing out, man.
Plus, it'll be a good opportunity
for you to do some networking.
Help with the job search.
I'm telling you, everybody's hitting the nog,
having a good time, letting loose.
You swoop in there, and then boom... new job, man.
That's how things work.
You know, Benjamins in your pocket, La Pen-si-own,
little four-to-the-oh- to-the-one-to-the-kay.
You're making me want to stay broke.
So what'd you get Paul?
I'm not telling you, but, um, I'll give you a hint.
It's fuzzy.
Well, I hope you didn't listen to Nick.
He's the worst gift giver ever.
You're welcome.
Where are we, Jess?
We are on Candy Cane Lane.
At night, the whole block lights up
with Christmas decorations.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, my God, it's so beautiful.
What fun, what wonderful fun.
Okay, whatever.
We have to come back later
'cause you'll see what I'm talking about.
Oh, no, we're not gonna have time.
We have to go straight from the party to the airport.
- No. - Yes, I've missed my flight
four years in a row.
If I miss it this year, my mom's gonna kill me.
Schmidt, it's a menorah for you.
Oh, a menorah.
Judaism, son.
Hey, hi.
You look awesome.
It's a before and after
for a Bolivian diet pill.
El Glatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.
I'm "before."
Su-sure, you are, look at that.
So you said you wanted to see me for something?
Yes, I brought you a gift.
I hope you appreciate that I have kept
eye contact with you this whole time
and made no reference to the fact
that you are basically naked.
Very proud of you, Schmidt.
Hey, hey.
Oh, lot of tongue.
- Done with her hair? - With her...?
No, I'm not the hair guy, man.
Oh, no, no, no, this is
my very good friend Schmidt,
and he just came by to bring me a gift, so...
It's perfume.
Why does it say "Cecilia Number 5"?
Actually, it says that because... you know,
I ma... I made it specifically for you.
Yeah, I found this place on Third Street
where you can design your own perfume.
Base notes of cocoa because of your brown, uh...
ness.
Sea salt, because it kind of sounds like Cece.
Uh, and sandalwood...
Sandalwood... always up to no good.
That's, um...
Ha.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- Thanks. - Neat.
Let's get back to work.
Yeah, okay, um...
I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah. - Yeah, I'll just... I'll see you there.
We'll do that.
Three, two, one.
Go.
Envelope.
Festive bag. I was afraid
you were going to get me jewelry, so...
Oh, no.
What is it?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, two tickets to Vienna
and passes to the Salzburg Music Festival?
That's, like, incredible.
- You're gonna love it. - I'm speechless.
And, um, all I got you was...
"Anatomically correct heart of a 50-year-old nonsmoker."
You know what?
Normally I'm, like, really good at giving gifts,
and I thought that was romantic,
but it's just... so creepy.
I, I'm sorry, I have to get you something better.
No, it's great, I love it.
It's funny an-and quirky and, and so sweet.
It's like you.
That's why I love it.
I love it.
Thank you, I love it.
I... I love you.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
You're welcome.
Look at you, all dressed up.
What, are you in The Temptations tonight?
That's so cute, Nick, you're intimidated by my style.
But I'll tell you what...
one of us is walking out of here with a job.
Where you going?
You wore my present.
I did.
- Thank you, I love it. - Yay.
She's seen it now, so maybe you can take it off.
You look like a man.
- I know, right? - That's what's freaking me out.
Good humor and fun... God forbid.
- Is that Schmidt? - Oh.
What the...?
Hey, guys.
Whoa, whoa,
Schmidt, Santa voice.
This isn't temple.
Ho, ho, ho.
Are those my shorts?
Hey, what's wrong, Jess?
Hey, Nick.
Paul told me he loved me.
- Hmm. - And I couldn't say it back,
so I, um, said "Thank you,"
which was horrible.
I don't know what to do because I am always
the one who loves more.
That's my thing.
One time I went on a date
and by 11:00 p.m., I gave the guy my ATM code.
What is your ATM code?
42...
Very funny.
Very good try, but no.
Not a try... I got it.
If you don't have feelings for Paul, you got to tell him.
I can't do that to someone on Christmas.
And then it's New Year's.
Then it's going to be Valentine's Day and then,
whoa, it's Presidents' Day.
Hard to argue with that logic, but just tell him.
Don't lead him on... you'll just hurt him more.
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell him.
- You are? - Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing in here?
Kyle's being a jerk.
What are you doing in here?
Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation.
Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do
was worry about my drunk uncle asking me out?
Yes, Uncle Pardeep.
He thought I was a boy.
Such a weirdo.
Okay.
Hey, man.
Hey.
How you doing, Paul?
Good.
Has Jess not talked to you?
Oh, yeah, no, we talked.
- Yeah, yeah, no, I... - She did, okay.
Yeah, it's hard, you know,
it's really tricky. It's like she doesn't
love you right now, Paul, but that's not to say
she might not fall in love with you later.
I think that's the positive way of looking at it,
but it's hard, man, believe me.
We talked about how we might have to drive you
to the airport 'cause you're gonna miss your flight.
Yeah, that was probably all you guys talked about,
so I'm joking.
- W-wait a minute. - Because she hasn't...
Yeah, I know... guess what, Paul.
Don't even think right now.
I'm drunk.
- Did... Jess tell you... - I'm so drunk.
- ... that she doesn't love me? - What's happ...? No,
shut up, you goofball.
I'm... this conversation didn't happen.
Did Jess tell you she doesn't love me?
Joke.
But he's the best guy, Cece.
Maybe I should just make it work.
Yeah, no, Jess, you can't
just dive into something like this right now.
Yeah, I just wish I could stay in this bathroom all night.
Me, too.
Whoo, that eggnog is deadly.
We got to get out of here.
Yeah, we do.
I should just put it off till later, after the holidays.
You coming?
Yeah, I'll be out in a sec.
Kyle wants to go to this party.
Ugh, Kyle is the living worst.
Yeah, I know.
Did he even get you a gift?
No.
Who wants to sit at a desk all day?
Not me... I don't want to have to do that.
I don't want to call Wednesday "hump day."
I don't even know how to network.
So what's your deal, man?
Why are you sitting here by yourself?
Mommy won't let me sit in Santa's lap.
You have a smart mommy.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm the genius who brought my kid to this Christmas party.
Looking forward to years of therapy over Dirty Santa.
I can't believe that he's even talking to you.
He doesn't like anyone.
Yeah, I don't like anyone.
Yeah, but we're really working on that.
No, she's working on that.
My man.
- Okay? - You think it's fun?
- Do it. - I do think it's fun.
Do it then.
Do it.
Okay.
What are you doing, Santa?
- I have a really bad case of Santa lap. - Hmm.
The entire marketing department is wearing wool.
It's not good down there.
Well, get back to work soon.
- Boom! - Ow! Why would you...?
There are so many bobby pins up there.
- Everything's attached... - Does she always talk to you like that?
Yeah, kind of.
You like dressing up like Santa?
Sexy Santa.
No. The truth is, no, I don't.
You know, you don't deserve to be treated like that.
You just got to tell her no.
Otherwise, all she'll do is see you
as a pretty face and a hot body.
I'm sorry, what was that?
- You have a pretty face. - No, no, no,
'cause the second part.
And I'd like you to say it, like, in an accent,
- but make direct eye contact. - Yes, Schmidt,
do not push your luck with me.
What's that smell?
That's your perfume.
You wore it?
Yeah, and it smells terrible.
Ha!
It does smell terrible.
It's like a dirty dish towel.
Santa voice!
Please just tell me what she said.
She said the sex is really great,
but she just doesn't want to jump into anything.
- Why am I talking about this? - Oh, my God,
the sex is great, it's amazing.
- Great. - We had amazing sex
this morning, and then we ate Taro chips.
- Oh, my God. Oh, oh. - Oh, God. I...
I feel like such a terrible guy for saying that to you, man.
- Oh, my God. - You're a good guy, Genzlinger.
Hey, man, just let it go.
You know what I mean? Just let it
- brush off your shoulders, dude. - Oh, man.
- What has happened to my life? - Hey.
Why are you guys hugging?
- Just guy-talkin'. - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Everything's fine.
- We're just talking. - Just talking.
About, uh...
how moved we are... by jazz music.
That's a lie.
I told him you didn't love him, Jess.
- What?! - Because I...
But he said it nicely.
Are you kidding me?!
- It's not your information to share. - I totally agree,
- and I regret it. - It is not your information...
- Why would you do that? - I apologize.
- You guys have a lot to do. I'm sorry. - Nick. Nick.
Oh, my God.
Please! This is my nightmare!
Winston!
Schmidt!
Help me...!
Paul, I really care about you.
I think I just...
I think I just feel really overwhelmed.
Yeah. Yeah, I know, Nicholas told m...
Damn it.
Hey, guys, just pretend I'm not here,
and just do whatever you two guys are doing.
I'm not here. I'm not even listening.
This is my nightmare.
I-I knew you were getting out of a long relationship.
You told me all about Spencer. I just thought...
I thought we were feeling the same things for each other.
You seemed like you were.
I was. I just...
I feel like maybe you were feeling them
a little bit more than me.
Nick!
You started this.
Sit down and be quiet!
I just... I got really hurt,
and I... I'm trying really hard not to get hurt again.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Oh.
Oh...
I am so sorry.
This is as rude as it gets.
It is my mom, though.
I... Hey, Ma. How you doing?
I can't talk right now.
I'm in a real weird situation.
No, Ma, I'm not high... I'm done with that phase.
I promise you I won't miss my flight.
Okay. I love you, Mama. Bye.
- You done? - Mm-hmm.
Can we just...
can we just keep going but take it a little bit slow?
I-I don't know if I can do that.
I don't know how with you.
- It's just not how I feel. - Well, all
she's asking you to do is slow it down a little bit.
- How's that hard? - Nick.
Yeah.
All right, everybody leave the room.
I need to talk to Kim.
Okay, you know what? Actually,
stay... this'll be good for you guys
to hear this, too.
Why d... Don't... Come on.
- I just told... - There are two hours left
in this party.
What are you doing, Santa?
Kim, I'm not gonna be Sexy Santa anymore.
It's over. Santa's dead.
I killed him.
Oh, my God. No, no, no, don't worry, that's just
Gina's cowardly son.
He is a scream machine.
Kim, I'm not a sex object, all right?
I'm your employee.
And I work harder than anyone.
I'm the first one to show up every morning.
No, you're not.
There's never a parking space.
That's because everyone's already here, Schmidt.
Okay, you're so off topic right now.
- You're missing the point. - What?
You need to take me seriously, Kim.
Does that mean no more...
Sexy Easter Bunny?
No Sexy Easter Bunny.
What about, uh, Cinco de Sexy?
No Cinco de Sexy.
And no Sexy Martin Luther King?
I could never get the voice,
I never really felt like I had the authority...
I can't believe it took you five years to say that.
Well, I guess I'm gonna
have to be Sexy Santa next year.
Yeah, just got to jingle bell rock.
You know what I mean?
That is so inappropriate.
I get it... so you can dish it out but you can't take it.
Yeah, how's that feel, Kim?
I like it.
Both these machines need toner.
They need... I'm gonna put the toner in the...
in the machine.
Mrs. Miller, I told you,
I will get Nick to his flight on time.
No worries.
I can't find Elvin. I've looked everywhere.
- I-I have no idea. - Uh, you know what?
I got to go. Um, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
- We'll find him. - Elvin!
I'll tell you what, you go that way, I'll go that way.
- This is Schmidt's fault. I don't know how, but it is. - Elvin?
I'm sorry, Jess, I just...
I don't want to slow down... with you.
It's just not natural. So if you need to,
then... I don't think I can do this anymore.
Okay.
Come on, Paul!
It's Christmas!
- Don't break up with her... - Hey, Nick...
It's okay.
Hey, have you guys seen a little kid running around here?
Thank you.
Ah. I see you found Santa's house.
I was looking for it.
The man with no shirt killed Santa.
Oh, you mean Schmidt.
Well, he was just dressing up like Santa.
Then why didn't he have a shirt?
You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day.
Is it because he's a D-bag? Mommy says he's a D-bag.
You know something?
You're a really smart kid.
And for that, Santa's gonna bring you
extra presents this year.
- Really? - Yeah.
Thank you, LeBron.
Okay, cool, I'll be him.
You found him!
- Yeah. - Hi!
Extra gifts this year.
You're really good at this. Seriously.
If you ever want to hang out with Elvin again...
I will pay you a lot of money.
Let's go.
A lot.
Thank you.
Like, whatever you're thinking,
add money to that... 'cause that's what I...
Like, a lot.
Bye, Elvin.
Bye, LeBron.
Yep.
What up, Mrs. Miller?
Yes, yes. Actually, we're on our way right now,
so just go back to sleep.
We're getting Nick to the airport, okay?
What kind of airline has flights that leave at 4 a.m.?
Probably the kind that I can afford.
Actually, what's that smell?
- It's nothing. Oh. - That's my perfume.
Oh, God, that is bad.
But the weird kind of bad
that makes you want to smell it again.
Okay, there's something that we got to do. Sorry.
What are you doing, man!
Hold on, you're going in the wrong direction!
I think we're too late, Nick.
Yeah, this was supposed to be your gift, Jess.
I screwed it up.
I'm sorry.
Candy Cane Lane is shut down!
Should've got her perfume, man.
Nice, man.
Man.
Yeah.
I have the worst timing.
I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Let's go.
- We should go. - No, we don't...
Jess, no.
It's Christmas. It's our Christmas.
We came here to see the lights.
Well, what are we gonna do?
- Yeah, what are you doing? - What are you doing?
- Nick, man it's 2:00 a.m. - Why would they turn them off?
- It doesn't make sense to me. - Nick!
We don't got time for this.
Excuse me, guys?
Oh, hell, no!
Excuse me, we got a girl out here
who'd really like to see the lights!
Sorry to wake you! This is rude!
Make it the Candy Cane Lane or whatever!
You spend all this time to show off and do it,
so show off... you got an audience!
This whole neighborhood is ridiculous!
You all show off, so turn on the lights!
Just go in the shed or whatever and turn your damn lights on, you show-offs!
- Turn on your lights! - Turn on the lights!
Turn on your lights!
- Lights! - Turn on your lights!
- Turn on your lights!
Turn on your lights!
# I'll be home # Turn on the lights, everybody!
# For Christmas #
# You #
# Can count #
# On me # - Oh! - Oh!
# Please #
# Have snow #
# And mistletoe #
# And presents #
# On the tree # Oh, my God!
Yes! Yes!
# Christmas Eve #
# Will find #
# Me #
# Where #
# The love light # Merry Christmas!
# Gleams # Merry Christmas, boys!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry Hanukkah!
# I'll #
- # Be home # - Merry Christmas.
- # For Christmas # - Merry Christmas!
Now, stop yelling before I call the cops!
Oh, my God.
# My dreams... #
Candy Cane Lane is the crA¨me de la crA¨me
- of decorated streets. - It is... amazing.
Hey, Ma! How are you?
Yeah. No, I'm gonna miss my flight.
Yeah, I'm sorry. No.
Ma, stop yelling at me, please stop yelling.
Ma, I'm not high! Stop yelling!
I'm driving a car. I can't talk.
Hey, remember Winston?
Winston, it's my ma. Talk to her.
Hey, what up, Mrs. Miller?
You know, I wrote a poem about you.
You want to hear it?