1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,810
$50 in the douche bag jar?

2
00:00:02,811 --> 00:00:04,553
- Absolutely, man.
- Yes, absolutely.

3
00:00:04,554 --> 00:00:06,510
- Why so much?
- I feel like it should actually be

4
00:00:06,511 --> 00:00:09,732
more in the 100, 200 range,
so that's a discount.

5
00:00:09,733 --> 00:00:12,349
Think about what you did, Schmidt.

6
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,201
I lost it.

7
00:00:15,570 --> 00:00:16,866
I lost the party bus.

8
00:00:16,867 --> 00:00:18,917
The party bus for your birthday party?

9
00:00:18,918 --> 00:00:19,806
Yeah.

10
00:00:20,147 --> 00:00:21,115
Apparently,

11
00:00:21,116 --> 00:00:23,156
my business isn't as important

12
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,874
as Frankie Muniz's.

13
00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:27,151
They canceled my rez.

14
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,716
There's nothing I can
do; the party's off.

15
00:00:28,717 --> 00:00:30,796
You should torch them on Yelp.

16
00:00:30,978 --> 00:00:31,697
Actually, I can do it.

17
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,930
I have an account under the
name Fantastic Jacques.

18
00:00:33,931 --> 00:00:34,969
He's a French diplomat

19
00:00:34,970 --> 00:00:36,338
with very little patience.

20
00:00:36,339 --> 00:00:39,068
Or you could just get another bus.

21
00:00:39,069 --> 00:00:40,306
In two days?

22
00:00:40,771 --> 00:00:42,080
Okay, yeah, sure, Winston.

23
00:00:42,081 --> 00:00:44,249
W-Why don't I just go down
to the party bus store,

24
00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:47,695
where all the party buses have a
state-of-the-art sound system,

25
00:00:47,696 --> 00:00:50,089
a stripper pole, a love grotto,

26
00:00:50,090 --> 00:00:52,665
and a steering wheel in
the shape of a boob.

27
00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:54,524
You honk the nipple.

28
00:00:54,737 --> 00:00:55,675
It's pretty awesome.

29
00:00:55,676 --> 00:00:56,963
Just have the party at a bar.

30
00:00:56,964 --> 00:00:58,512
Nick, this is it.

31
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,413
This is my 29th birthday party.

32
00:01:00,414 --> 00:01:01,963
This is the year. After this,

33
00:01:01,964 --> 00:01:06,380
I don't know, it's just...
just all darkness.

34
00:01:12,203 --> 00:01:13,640
Was he crying a little?

35
00:01:14,299 --> 00:01:16,934
# Hey, girl #

36
00:01:17,102 --> 00:01:19,403
# What you doing? #

37
00:01:19,571 --> 00:01:22,388
# Hey, girl #

38
00:01:22,607 --> 00:01:24,880
# Where you going? #

39
00:01:24,890 --> 00:01:27,192
# Who's that girl? #
# <i>Who's that girl?</i> #

40
00:01:27,412 --> 00:01:29,680
# Who's that girl? #
# <i>Who's that girl?</i> #

41
00:01:30,047 --> 00:01:31,913
# It's Jess. #

42
00:01:32,014 --> 00:01:35,400
1x10
<i>- The Story of the 50 -</i>

43
00:01:39,368 --> 00:01:41,409
Hey, I just came to
make sure you're okay.

44
00:01:42,525 --> 00:01:44,250
I'm not okay, Jess.

45
00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:45,871
I had to cancel my birthday party.

46
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:47,282
It's social suicide.

47
00:01:47,618 --> 00:01:49,628
I can feel my it factor going away.

48
00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:51,306
And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin?

49
00:01:51,307 --> 00:01:52,929
Why are you so worried about Benjamin?

50
00:01:52,930 --> 00:01:53,639
He's your friend.

51
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,032
We have a very weird,
girl-style friendship

52
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,184
where we kind of hate each other.

53
00:01:59,262 --> 00:02:00,529
We're bronemies.

54
00:02:01,018 --> 00:02:01,900
He's my fremesis.

55
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,264
I'm so confused right now.

56
00:02:03,265 --> 00:02:05,905
Okay, look, Benjamin and I...
we were suitemates in college.

57
00:02:05,906 --> 00:02:07,356
Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A.

58
00:02:07,357 --> 00:02:08,735
We're going to have so much sex...

59
00:02:08,736 --> 00:02:09,705
in the morning,

60
00:02:09,706 --> 00:02:11,062
in the afternoon,

61
00:02:11,063 --> 00:02:12,252
at bedtime.

62
00:02:12,308 --> 00:02:13,710
Mmm, peanuts.

63
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,285
I'm telling you, man,

64
00:02:14,286 --> 00:02:16,663
I'm gonna run that town
one day. You'll see.

65
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,259
I'm gonna write you a check
right now for $100 million.

66
00:02:19,260 --> 00:02:20,067
How do you like that?

67
00:02:20,068 --> 00:02:21,382
Damn, dude.

68
00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:22,767
And this is a real check.

69
00:02:23,125 --> 00:02:25,175
You can cash it when
I'm rich and awesome.

70
00:02:25,225 --> 00:02:26,615
Give me about four years.

71
00:02:26,616 --> 00:02:27,317
Do the song.

72
00:02:27,318 --> 00:02:29,265
# We built this Schmidty #

73
00:02:29,292 --> 00:02:34,121
# We built this Schmidty
on Tootsie Rolls #

74
00:02:35,419 --> 00:02:36,785
If it wasn't for Benjamin, I,

75
00:02:36,786 --> 00:02:39,231
I never would have become
a Los Angeles baller.

76
00:02:40,090 --> 00:02:41,078
Holla.

77
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:42,966
I changed everything
about myself, Jess.

78
00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:45,197
I lost all the weight,
I changed my clothes,

79
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:46,898
I even dropped my voice half an octave,

80
00:02:46,899 --> 00:02:49,316
but it wasn't enough.

81
00:02:49,317 --> 00:02:51,260
I guess I'll just never
be cool enough, Jess.

82
00:02:54,936 --> 00:02:56,880
Okay, I've got it.

83
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,889
- We are going to throw Schmidt a birthday party.
- No.

84
00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:01,617
Yes, 'cause it's his 29th
birthday and we care.

85
00:03:01,618 --> 00:03:04,037
Jess, Schmidt's world
is different than ours.

86
00:03:04,038 --> 00:03:05,340
They speak a different language.

87
00:03:05,341 --> 00:03:08,090
They shorten every
word to one syllable.

88
00:03:08,091 --> 00:03:10,742
Okay, he once called an oven an "Ovs."

89
00:03:10,902 --> 00:03:13,336
He calls an airport "Airp."
He called ketchup "Ketch."

90
00:03:13,337 --> 00:03:15,595
Last month he went to a party called

91
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:18,156
Bros before Hos on the Moon.

92
00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,313
What does that even mean?

93
00:03:19,314 --> 00:03:21,434
And the dress code was "Yacht flair."

94
00:03:21,486 --> 00:03:22,290
- What?
- Schmidt has a friend

95
00:03:22,291 --> 00:03:24,622
who legally changed his
middle name to Doin' It.

96
00:03:24,623 --> 00:03:26,790
- Yeah, Doin' It.
- Just one word: Doinit.

97
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:29,997
You are not emotionally, mentally,

98
00:03:29,998 --> 00:03:33,653
and spiritually prepared to
throw these d-bags a party.

99
00:03:33,654 --> 00:03:35,106
I'm gonna do some research.

100
00:03:35,107 --> 00:03:36,850
Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go.

101
00:03:36,851 --> 00:03:38,148
- I apologize.
- Where are you going?

102
00:03:38,149 --> 00:03:39,315
And why are you wearing
your jury duty pants?

103
00:03:39,316 --> 00:03:41,778
I'm not, man, I'm just...
mumble, mumble, mumble.

104
00:03:42,164 --> 00:03:44,217
Come on, it's a lawyer party...

105
00:03:44,218 --> 00:03:45,587
the classic fifth date.

106
00:03:45,588 --> 00:03:46,841
What are you talking about?

107
00:03:46,842 --> 00:03:48,254
I'm not gonna apologize for it.

108
00:03:48,255 --> 00:03:49,407
I got nothing to apologize for.

109
00:03:49,408 --> 00:03:51,685
- I owe you nothing.
- No, I'm having a really fun time.

110
00:03:51,686 --> 00:03:53,260
I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater

111
00:03:53,261 --> 00:03:55,134
in front of a bunch of lawyers
who are younger than me.

112
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,376
Hello, I'm Bill Cosby,
do you like pudding?

113
00:03:57,377 --> 00:04:00,646
My son's name is Theo and his
best friend is Cockroach.

114
00:04:00,647 --> 00:04:01,460
That supposed to be Bill Cosby?

115
00:04:01,461 --> 00:04:03,091
Yeah. That's as good as I can do.

116
00:04:03,092 --> 00:04:04,077
- Let's see yours.
- Would you like to hear

117
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:04,976
- how he really sounds?
- Yes.

118
00:04:04,977 --> 00:04:07,371
I want to get some more pudding.

119
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,513
That's the worst Bill Co...
How about this?

120
00:04:09,514 --> 00:04:11,584
I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable,

121
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:14,337
and she's the cutest
of all my daughters.

122
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,629
I'm really glad that
you're here with me.

123
00:04:16,711 --> 00:04:18,272
Yeah, I'm happy you let
me be here with you.

124
00:04:18,273 --> 00:04:19,509
No, I really am because

125
00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:20,960
I got to, like, kiss all the asses

126
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,180
of these 24-year-old law students

127
00:04:23,181 --> 00:04:24,559
to try to get 'em to work here.

128
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:25,947
I went to law school.

129
00:04:26,018 --> 00:04:27,703
- You went to law school?
- Yes.

130
00:04:27,833 --> 00:04:29,816
- I quit. Yes.
- Quit law school... why?

131
00:04:29,817 --> 00:04:31,958
Because I realized I hated lawyers.

132
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,250
He says to the lawyer.

133
00:04:34,419 --> 00:04:35,783
And for some reason I find you

134
00:04:35,784 --> 00:04:38,128
ridiculously attractive
for saying that.

135
00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:40,046
Why don't you kiss my ass, then?

136
00:04:43,577 --> 00:04:45,150
Look, Julia, I got turned around.

137
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:46,671
I thought we were doing a
flirty back-and-forth...

138
00:04:46,672 --> 00:04:47,303
I'm actually just kidding.

139
00:04:47,304 --> 00:04:48,743
I really do want to do that.

140
00:04:48,744 --> 00:04:50,132
Oh, you would?

141
00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:51,435
Well, we can make that happen.

142
00:04:51,436 --> 00:04:52,745
Great. Let's go.

143
00:04:52,746 --> 00:04:53,566
Let's go to your place.

144
00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:54,749
Want to go to your place?

145
00:04:54,750 --> 00:04:55,901
Do you mind?

146
00:04:56,228 --> 00:04:58,222
Are you married or what?

147
00:04:58,223 --> 00:05:00,956
No, no, no, n-no, no, no,
n-no, I'm not married.

148
00:05:00,957 --> 00:05:02,974
I am the opposite of married.

149
00:05:02,975 --> 00:05:04,512
Before you, there was like,
there was like nothing.

150
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,735
I've got, like, no
girls on the horizon.

151
00:05:07,593 --> 00:05:08,951
In a hot way.

152
00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:12,290
Why don't you ever
invite me to your place

153
00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:15,297
or, like, tell me all
that much about yourself?

154
00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:17,522
It's weird... I don't even
know where you live.

155
00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:18,571
I'm 30 years old,

156
00:05:18,572 --> 00:05:21,234
and I live in a loft
with three roommates.

157
00:05:23,154 --> 00:05:24,426
In a hot way.

158
00:05:25,344 --> 00:05:28,950
But maybe you can kiss my butt
when I talk like Bill Cosby.

159
00:05:28,951 --> 00:05:29,611
All right, let's go.

160
00:05:29,612 --> 00:05:30,717
- Is that going to work?
- Uh-huh.

161
00:05:30,718 --> 00:05:32,720
Wow, weird stuff works with you.

162
00:05:33,723 --> 00:05:37,370
Hi, yes, I'd like to order
a last-minute stripper.

163
00:05:37,952 --> 00:05:41,666
Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage,

164
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,408
very bendy, with a heart of gold

165
00:05:44,409 --> 00:05:47,517
and a crotch of gold.

166
00:05:48,337 --> 00:05:49,345
Mm-hmm, yeah, I'll hold.

167
00:05:49,346 --> 00:05:50,727
- Hey, Jess, Winston, this is Julia.
- Oh.

168
00:05:50,728 --> 00:05:51,965
- Hi.
- We're just saying hi.

169
00:05:51,966 --> 00:05:53,285
Nice to meet you guys.

170
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,148
Welcome to our home.
Hold on one second.

171
00:05:55,149 --> 00:05:57,300
We're doing a surprise
party for Schmidt.

172
00:05:57,301 --> 00:05:59,113
- Who is that?
- Oh, I didn't tell you about Schmidt?

173
00:05:59,114 --> 00:06:00,879
- No.
- That's our other roommate.

174
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,395
- Other roommate.
- You know what? You should come.

175
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,440
- It's on Saturday.
- Yes. Cool, yeah.

176
00:06:04,441 --> 00:06:06,618
You should stay as far from
that party as possible.

177
00:06:06,619 --> 00:06:07,973
Is it like a presents thing

178
00:06:07,974 --> 00:06:12,007
or more like a donations
to charity situation?

179
00:06:12,223 --> 00:06:13,506
- No?
- Just bring yourself.

180
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,201
Do you want to head to my
room for a little bit?

181
00:06:15,202 --> 00:06:16,903
Give you the rest of the
tour around the place.

182
00:06:16,904 --> 00:06:19,173
- Great, yeah.
- Great. Bye.

183
00:06:19,174 --> 00:06:20,125
Bye.

184
00:06:20,126 --> 00:06:21,861
Hold on one second.

185
00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:23,875
Hey, Winston, why'd you do that?

186
00:06:23,876 --> 00:06:25,352
Are you hiding her from us?

187
00:06:25,374 --> 00:06:27,095
Like, are you ashamed of your friends?

188
00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:28,983
100%, and you're not
my friend right now.

189
00:06:28,984 --> 00:06:30,217
You're my enemy, Winston, my enemy.

190
00:06:30,218 --> 00:06:31,541
Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

191
00:06:31,542 --> 00:06:33,241
No, that's the problem.

192
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:36,039
Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty,
you're the best.

193
00:06:37,504 --> 00:06:40,192
Yes, I just hired my first stripper.

194
00:06:40,193 --> 00:06:41,618
Anything else I should get?

195
00:06:55,535 --> 00:06:57,336
Do you like jazz cigarettes?

196
00:07:00,105 --> 00:07:01,346
Hi, Tanya.

197
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:03,398
Patti told me that...

198
00:07:03,399 --> 00:07:06,017
Patti told you to break in
my office to look for drugs?

199
00:07:08,737 --> 00:07:11,064
Hey, JK kidding, JK kidding.

200
00:07:11,065 --> 00:07:12,647
You can do whatever you want.

201
00:07:13,473 --> 00:07:16,139
I didn't know you liked to shop
at the Confiscation Station.

202
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:19,837
So what are you looking for... grass?

203
00:07:19,946 --> 00:07:21,935
'Cause I can do a locker
search on Monday.

204
00:07:22,027 --> 00:07:23,330
Monday's too late because...

205
00:07:23,331 --> 00:07:26,859
Oh, so what do you got
cooking this weekend, huh?

206
00:07:27,285 --> 00:07:28,956
You have to tell me; I'm your boss.

207
00:07:28,957 --> 00:07:30,980
What is it, a list
thing, Paperless Post?

208
00:07:31,376 --> 00:07:32,558
I'm free Friday,

209
00:07:32,594 --> 00:07:34,598
but I can also make
Saturday or Sunday work.

210
00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:37,511
Jess, what are you doing?

211
00:07:37,512 --> 00:07:39,281
I'm making an egg yellows omelet.

212
00:07:39,282 --> 00:07:41,187
The shallots and gouda
are going to congeal.

213
00:07:41,188 --> 00:07:41,931
I can't... what is this?

214
00:07:41,932 --> 00:07:44,702
Happy birthday!

215
00:07:44,703 --> 00:07:46,250
It's a party bus.

216
00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:48,195
I'm so excited.

217
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:58,273
Whoa, Jess, you really
did all this for me?

218
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:01,950
Okay, so...

219
00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:04,200
over here is kosher yogurt and honey.

220
00:08:04,201 --> 00:08:06,496
- Kosher yoge?
- We got some condoms over here...

221
00:08:06,497 --> 00:08:07,659
small, medium, large,

222
00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:08,496
- whatever your preference.
- Well, I would use...

223
00:08:08,497 --> 00:08:09,694
I don't want to know.

224
00:08:09,695 --> 00:08:11,459
And the R-rated section in the back

225
00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:13,591
with the stripper pole.

226
00:08:13,592 --> 00:08:15,493
It's normally used for stability,

227
00:08:15,494 --> 00:08:16,937
but tonight it's going to be used

228
00:08:16,938 --> 00:08:19,827
for $50 worth of seminudity.

229
00:08:19,828 --> 00:08:22,070
Coincidentally, I'm wearing
my lap dance pants.

230
00:08:22,516 --> 00:08:23,881
This is, like, your world, huh?

231
00:08:23,882 --> 00:08:25,046
No... It is.

232
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:27,500
It's you in your natural
habitat, it's fascinating.

233
00:08:27,501 --> 00:08:29,605
I'm just here for Schmidt.
I don't know any of these people.

234
00:08:29,606 --> 00:08:31,895
Nicholas, what's up, N-word?

235
00:08:31,896 --> 00:08:33,053
Don't call me "N-word."

236
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,020
I don't know this guy.

237
00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:35,604
How's your family in Chicago?

238
00:08:36,135 --> 00:08:37,581
Really good, thanks for
asking, they're all healthy.

239
00:08:37,582 --> 00:08:38,778
That's good.

240
00:08:40,157 --> 00:08:44,100
Oh, look at this big old
pile of birthday Schmidt.

241
00:08:44,749 --> 00:08:46,442
Hey, do you mind if I get a
ride on your school bus?

242
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,433
I don't want to be
late for first period.

243
00:08:50,565 --> 00:08:53,338
Why you got to do me
like that, Been-ja-meen?

244
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:55,548
What's up, boys? What up?

245
00:08:55,549 --> 00:08:57,262
Why don't you sing us
your birthday song?

246
00:08:57,263 --> 00:08:58,697
Oh, you have a birthday song?

247
00:08:58,698 --> 00:09:00,415
All right, all right, guys, come on.

248
00:09:00,416 --> 00:09:01,896
Sing it, come on.

249
00:09:01,897 --> 00:09:03,923
# We built this Schmidty #

250
00:09:03,924 --> 00:09:05,663
# We built this Schmidty #

251
00:09:05,664 --> 00:09:09,526
# On rock... #
# On Tootsie Rolls #

252
00:09:09,527 --> 00:09:10,465
Is that the lyrics?

253
00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:11,979
Yeah, we used to make him sing that

254
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:13,571
because he was fat.

255
00:09:14,493 --> 00:09:15,615
You know I'm just playing at you.

256
00:09:15,616 --> 00:09:17,685
Yeah, hilarity, my man, hilarity.

257
00:09:17,686 --> 00:09:19,150
Yeah, come on, man.

258
00:09:19,263 --> 00:09:20,662
You really live with that guy, huh?

259
00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:21,712
Yeah, I really do.

260
00:09:21,713 --> 00:09:24,766
Does he, like, tuck his
shiny jeans into boots

261
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:25,767
when he goes out at night?

262
00:09:25,768 --> 00:09:28,588
You know, the truth is, I
met Schmidt a long time ago

263
00:09:28,589 --> 00:09:29,494
when we were in college

264
00:09:29,495 --> 00:09:32,116
and he was this sweet,
chubby communications major

265
00:09:32,117 --> 00:09:33,467
who wore cargo shorts and... Yeah.

266
00:09:33,468 --> 00:09:34,881
I'm actually just messing with you.

267
00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:36,772
Seriously, I think all
of your friends seem

268
00:09:36,773 --> 00:09:40,985
completely awesome and
nice and fun, so relax.

269
00:09:40,986 --> 00:09:41,844
You don't have to say that.

270
00:09:41,845 --> 00:09:42,879
They're my friends...
you can tease 'em.

271
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:43,691
I don't want to tease them.

272
00:09:43,692 --> 00:09:45,046
I tease them all the
time, they don't care.

273
00:09:45,047 --> 00:09:46,157
Schmidt's a d-bag,

274
00:09:46,158 --> 00:09:47,304
you know, but, like, not in a bad way,

275
00:09:47,305 --> 00:09:49,441
and, like, Jess is a total nut.

276
00:09:49,442 --> 00:09:53,281
Oh...
And Winston is like this competitive maniac

277
00:09:53,282 --> 00:09:56,023
who loves Sister, Sister and
he's, like, afraid of thunder.

278
00:09:56,024 --> 00:09:57,616
But I'm the voice of re...
Behind you, he's behind you,

279
00:09:57,617 --> 00:09:58,699
he's behind you. Right now he is?

280
00:09:58,700 --> 00:09:59,855
Currently.

281
00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:02,200
And he's also one of my best friends.

282
00:10:02,466 --> 00:10:03,731
Oh, no, keep going.

283
00:10:04,945 --> 00:10:05,478
You want to go on the bus?

284
00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:06,768
Yeah, let's go on the bus.

285
00:10:08,406 --> 00:10:09,565
I'm really sorry, man,
I was just saying that

286
00:10:09,566 --> 00:10:10,174
to show off for her. Oh, no,

287
00:10:10,175 --> 00:10:11,483
man, I am bringing you down.

288
00:10:11,484 --> 00:10:12,858
Don't bring me down.

289
00:10:14,861 --> 00:10:15,534
Bro juice?

290
00:10:15,535 --> 00:10:17,058
Vodka pom, right?

291
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,273
Winston said it was a tradish.

292
00:10:19,274 --> 00:10:20,739
Look, Benjamin's smiling.

293
00:10:20,884 --> 00:10:22,276
Jess, you did so good.

294
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:25,269
Is this stripper pole weight-bearing?

295
00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:28,913
Looks like some pretty shoddy
workmanship on the cap flange.

296
00:10:28,914 --> 00:10:31,757
Can I help you?
Martin Fuller, GrindPalace.com.

297
00:10:31,758 --> 00:10:32,903
Hi, I'm Jessica Day.

298
00:10:32,904 --> 00:10:35,325
I spoke with your supervisor
on the telephone.

299
00:10:35,326 --> 00:10:38,565
Um, are you bringing the stripper?

300
00:10:38,566 --> 00:10:40,936
'Cause I really wanted
to see her jugs first,

301
00:10:40,937 --> 00:10:44,712
you know, just so...
um, I do right by my bro.

302
00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:46,441
We have a little miscommunicado.

303
00:10:46,442 --> 00:10:47,675
Did you make the call?

304
00:10:47,676 --> 00:10:50,379
Because if they hear a woman's
voice, then they send me.

305
00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:52,205
I'm your stripper, folks.

306
00:10:52,264 --> 00:10:54,137
Hey, need to clear this aisle.

307
00:10:54,138 --> 00:10:55,780
I got to have a perimeter.
It's a joke... no.

308
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:57,838
Please, please, please, no, you can't.
Are you the birthday boy?

309
00:10:57,839 --> 00:10:58,534
I am the birthday boy.

310
00:10:58,535 --> 00:10:59,288
You are going to love it.

311
00:10:59,289 --> 00:11:00,688
I do wet towel tricks.

312
00:11:00,689 --> 00:11:01,959
Nobody likes wet towel tricks.
No, he does not love wet towel tricks.

313
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,663
I don't judge, pal.
I just want to have fun.

314
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,156
We're not... No.
Sir, you are not gonna...

315
00:11:05,157 --> 00:11:08,370
I don't want to be rude,
but, uh, times are hard.

316
00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:09,476
It is Saturday night,

317
00:11:09,477 --> 00:11:11,326
so if I get hired to
take my clothes off,

318
00:11:11,327 --> 00:11:12,527
I'm gonna get naked.

319
00:11:12,528 --> 00:11:14,284
So, I'll just put my gym bag down,

320
00:11:14,285 --> 00:11:15,672
and I'll take my pants off.

321
00:11:15,673 --> 00:11:17,509
No, no, I'll handle it.

322
00:11:18,354 --> 00:11:19,364
Hey.

323
00:11:20,162 --> 00:11:22,447
Hey, Mr. Fuller.

324
00:11:22,774 --> 00:11:23,994
Mr. Fuller.

325
00:11:24,416 --> 00:11:25,224
Mr. Fuller? Oh, no.

326
00:11:25,225 --> 00:11:26,934
It's getting a little nippy out.

327
00:11:26,951 --> 00:11:29,014
Not a good time to start turtling.

328
00:11:29,526 --> 00:11:30,361
Come on. Jess, make it stop.

329
00:11:30,362 --> 00:11:31,643
I'm gonna pay you...

330
00:11:32,642 --> 00:11:36,937
$50 to never show us your penis.

331
00:11:36,938 --> 00:11:38,303
But what about tips?

332
00:11:38,466 --> 00:11:39,536
I make my living on tips.

333
00:11:39,537 --> 00:11:42,170
Well, can you do anything
else for the money?

334
00:11:42,382 --> 00:11:46,560
I'm a baritone at my gospel
choir at First Presbyterian.

335
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,391
Everybody, everybody...

336
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:52,467
hey!

337
00:11:52,468 --> 00:11:54,533
Welcome to Schmidt's 29th!

338
00:11:57,497 --> 00:11:59,771
Safety is of the utmost importance,

339
00:11:59,772 --> 00:12:01,463
so the person sitting next to you

340
00:12:01,464 --> 00:12:03,470
is gonna be your bus
buddy for the night.

341
00:12:03,471 --> 00:12:04,964
Any time you're up and about,

342
00:12:04,965 --> 00:12:06,793
please wear one of
these fashion helmets.

343
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,192
And I brought drugs.

344
00:12:08,257 --> 00:12:11,554
Tanya has half a pot cookie,
so maybe she'll share.

345
00:12:11,873 --> 00:12:14,320
Okay, everybody, have fun!

346
00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:15,884
Martin, sing us out.

347
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:17,733
# Oh, when he comes #

348
00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:20,275
# Oh, when he comes #

349
00:12:20,276 --> 00:12:22,388
# He's gonna come for you #

350
00:12:22,389 --> 00:12:24,930
- No stripping!
- # Oh, sweet salvation! #

351
00:12:24,931 --> 00:12:27,207
# Oh, when he comes... #

352
00:12:31,224 --> 00:12:34,474
$50. I've never put $50
in the douche bag jar.

353
00:12:34,475 --> 00:12:37,132
Well, that's really impressive,
Schmidt, considering.

354
00:12:38,542 --> 00:12:40,771
Someone's personalized condoms
just came in the mail.

355
00:12:40,772 --> 00:12:43,403
Hey! Jar! $20.

356
00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:45,563
Winston, did you know

357
00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:48,332
that NWA didn't stand
for "Never Walk Alone"?

358
00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,102
$30. Jar.

359
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,008
Hey, man.

360
00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:55,638
No! Jar, Schmidt.

361
00:12:55,639 --> 00:12:57,641
- Jar!
- What?

362
00:12:57,742 --> 00:13:00,911
Somehow, Schmidt, you've
outdone yourself this time.

363
00:13:00,912 --> 00:13:02,400
It was my birthday.

364
00:13:03,626 --> 00:13:05,815
I was very drunk.

365
00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:10,715
All right, everybody,
I think we need to take a shot.

366
00:13:10,731 --> 00:13:13,521
A little bro-juice shot for Benjamin!

367
00:13:13,522 --> 00:13:14,369
What?

368
00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:16,347
For Benjamin is a true...

369
00:13:17,393 --> 00:13:17,917
I'm the king!

370
00:13:17,918 --> 00:13:20,111
Winston and Nick, come
and get your bro juice!

371
00:13:20,125 --> 00:13:21,679
Because he is the birthday bro.

372
00:13:21,696 --> 00:13:22,857
Bro juice!

373
00:13:22,858 --> 00:13:24,892
Bro juice! Bro juice!

374
00:13:24,893 --> 00:13:25,632
Bro juice?

375
00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:26,841
I have no idea.

376
00:13:26,842 --> 00:13:28,290
- Really?
- Yeah.

377
00:13:28,291 --> 00:13:30,586
Nick Miller invented bro juice

378
00:13:30,587 --> 00:13:32,627
on Schmidt's twenty-second birthday.

379
00:13:32,628 --> 00:13:34,236
Remember that? Bro juice.

380
00:13:34,237 --> 00:13:36,292
Bro juice! Bro juice!

381
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:39,583
Get over here for your bro juice!

382
00:13:43,982 --> 00:13:45,830
This is not gonna be attractive.

383
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,558
Oh, yeah!

384
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:52,737
- You know, we're way too old for this, don't you?
- Oh, definitely.

385
00:13:53,238 --> 00:13:54,623
Happy birthday, brother.

386
00:13:57,383 --> 00:13:59,532
Yeah! Happy birthday, Schmidty!

387
00:14:03,406 --> 00:14:04,747
Yeah!

388
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:05,888
Bro juice!

389
00:14:05,889 --> 00:14:07,729
Bro juice!

390
00:14:08,069 --> 00:14:10,798
When I say "Par," you say "Tay."

391
00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:11,932
Par. Tay.

392
00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:13,143
Par. Tay!

393
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,261
Holla!

394
00:14:16,599 --> 00:14:17,933
What am I doing?

395
00:14:18,404 --> 00:14:19,828
It makes you think, huh?

396
00:14:20,633 --> 00:14:22,643
Twenties... they're almost over, man.

397
00:14:22,679 --> 00:14:24,170
It's crazy. Are you hitting that?

398
00:14:24,171 --> 00:14:25,672
Jess? No. Yeah.

399
00:14:25,673 --> 00:14:27,580
Well, then I think I'll help myself.

400
00:14:28,259 --> 00:14:30,153
To sex... with your friend.

401
00:14:30,154 --> 00:14:31,398
No, no, no, Benjamin, you can't.

402
00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:32,391
Not with Jess. Please don't.

403
00:14:32,392 --> 00:14:34,618
Well, I can. I can, and I will.

404
00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:40,743
Good evening, night owls.

405
00:14:40,744 --> 00:14:43,631
It's about to get bubonic in here,

406
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,629
for tonight, we're going to...

407
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,881
The Plague.

408
00:14:48,428 --> 00:14:50,556
Sorry. Just... it's just Plague.

409
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,386
It's a discotheque.

410
00:14:53,219 --> 00:14:54,293
We'll be going there next.

411
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,017
Whose list are you on? Tristan's?

412
00:14:56,018 --> 00:14:58,195
Isn't it just like a bar or something?

413
00:15:00,930 --> 00:15:02,959
What do you pull down
a year in the game?

414
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,816
Ever since I started
doing full frontal,

415
00:15:04,817 --> 00:15:07,491
I pull down seven K a year easy.

416
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,440
Why? You interested in the life?

417
00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:11,966
Me? A male stripper?
Come on. You're too kind.

418
00:15:11,967 --> 00:15:15,049
But you know, theoretically, if
I were to get into the game,

419
00:15:15,050 --> 00:15:19,144
you know, what are they looking
for in the gator department?

420
00:15:19,145 --> 00:15:20,899
You know what I mean?
Or is it just moving so fast

421
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:22,460
that it doesn't really matter?

422
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,255
It's all about storytelling,
taking 'em on a journey.

423
00:15:26,397 --> 00:15:27,981
Let me ask you some basics.

424
00:15:27,982 --> 00:15:31,598
When you thrust, what's your
range of motion, side-to-side?

425
00:15:32,601 --> 00:15:33,900
Well, left... right-right.

426
00:15:33,901 --> 00:15:35,213
What about your testicles?

427
00:15:35,214 --> 00:15:36,724
Are they more or less symmetrical?

428
00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:41,057
Size... yes, location... no.

429
00:15:41,058 --> 00:15:42,004
What about your persona?

430
00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:44,310
What? Fireman or a cop?

431
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,007
I didn't ask you your character.

432
00:15:46,008 --> 00:15:47,190
Your persona.

433
00:15:47,191 --> 00:15:49,177
I'm a Wolf-Hawk. What are you?

434
00:15:49,178 --> 00:15:51,208
Luxury. Dessert.

435
00:15:51,958 --> 00:15:53,764
I'm a warrior poet, man.

436
00:15:53,765 --> 00:15:55,178
That's it.

437
00:15:55,498 --> 00:15:57,196
Got a number for you to call.

438
00:15:58,045 --> 00:15:59,647
You ever hook up with the ladies?

439
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,648
It's ladies, like, one out
of ten times at most.

440
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:04,969
You're dancing for dudes?

441
00:16:04,970 --> 00:16:06,855
Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes.

442
00:16:07,809 --> 00:16:09,555
All right, I'm sorry, okay?

443
00:16:09,556 --> 00:16:11,603
You're so quiet.
You're having a terrible time.

444
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:14,393
I don't mean to be.
I'm probably just intimidated.

445
00:16:14,394 --> 00:16:16,846
I'm sitting right next to
the inventor of bro juice.

446
00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:19,388
I get it, okay?
That's... I'm gonna brag about that.

447
00:16:19,389 --> 00:16:21,866
I did. I invented bro juice, okay?

448
00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:23,611
And now you want... You're done. What?!

449
00:16:23,612 --> 00:16:26,527
I get it. When we get off the
bus, it's over, I blew it.

450
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:29,017
It's ridiculous.
I don't care about any of it.

451
00:16:29,018 --> 00:16:30,852
I really don't.
Everyone's got embarrassing stuff.

452
00:16:30,853 --> 00:16:34,444
I mean, I have stuff that
you don't know about.

453
00:16:34,445 --> 00:16:35,431
Like what?

454
00:16:35,442 --> 00:16:37,476
Just don't lie to me about stuff,

455
00:16:37,477 --> 00:16:39,428
- and we'll be fine.
- Fine.

456
00:16:39,429 --> 00:16:41,674
When I work out, which isn't often,
Uh-huh.

457
00:16:41,675 --> 00:16:43,754
I listen to Huey Lewis
because it pumps me up.

458
00:16:43,755 --> 00:16:45,770
Not ironically.
Want to hear something else?

459
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:48,217
Okay.
I don't believe dinosaurs existed.

460
00:16:48,218 --> 00:16:49,950
I've seen the science.
I don't believe it.

461
00:16:49,951 --> 00:16:50,692
Want to hear something else?

462
00:16:50,693 --> 00:16:52,283
No, I think I'm good.
And I believe you,

463
00:16:52,284 --> 00:16:54,494
and I appreciate all
of this truth-telling.

464
00:16:54,495 --> 00:16:56,297
I don't think you have stuff.

465
00:16:57,105 --> 00:16:58,152
All right.

466
00:16:58,153 --> 00:16:59,706
You're just perfect.

467
00:16:59,966 --> 00:17:01,620
Uh... yeah.

468
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,393
Hey. Scootch. Oh.

469
00:17:04,795 --> 00:17:05,936
Oh, yeah. Okay.

470
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,754
So, I texted Tristan.

471
00:17:07,755 --> 00:17:09,340
Oh, o-okay.

472
00:17:09,566 --> 00:17:10,901
He said he could get us into Plague.

473
00:17:10,902 --> 00:17:13,356
Oh, that's-that's terrific. Yeah.

474
00:17:13,357 --> 00:17:15,763
Thank you.
Well, just you and me, of course.

475
00:17:15,764 --> 00:17:19,102
So why don't you ditch that
zero and get with the hero?

476
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:20,801
The hero is my penis.

477
00:17:20,802 --> 00:17:23,072
Oh. Uh... no.

478
00:17:23,699 --> 00:17:24,918
- Am I bad?
- No.

479
00:17:25,269 --> 00:17:26,719
Hey, Benjamin.

480
00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:28,175
Just leave her alone, man.

481
00:17:30,336 --> 00:17:33,072
Schmidt, your party is slugs, bro.

482
00:17:35,231 --> 00:17:35,908
All right, you know what?

483
00:17:35,909 --> 00:17:39,223
- Schmidt, this party... is the worst.
- No, man.

484
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,005
This party is badass, all right?

485
00:17:41,006 --> 00:17:42,183
Don't act like I didn't
see you over there

486
00:17:42,184 --> 00:17:45,290
eating on the charcut...
the charcut... the charcut?

487
00:17:45,291 --> 00:17:46,058
Charcuterie. Charcuterie.

488
00:17:46,059 --> 00:17:47,218
Charcuterie.
Don't act like I didn't see you

489
00:17:47,219 --> 00:17:49,639
eating the charcut...
Charcuterie. Charcuterie...

490
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,974
Hey, you know what, Curly?

491
00:17:50,975 --> 00:17:53,037
You don't like the bus,
then get off it, pal.

492
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,273
- Schmidty's birthday, bud.
- You guys suck.

493
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:56,465
Let me talk to him for a sec.
I'm a lawyer.

494
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,652
- Can I have a word with him? Please.
- She's a lawyer.

495
00:17:58,653 --> 00:18:00,520
Hi. Why don't you just
say that one more time?

496
00:18:00,521 --> 00:18:02,161
What? You guys suck?

497
00:18:07,617 --> 00:18:08,788
Whoa! Oh!

498
00:18:12,243 --> 00:18:13,987
Is everyone okay?

499
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:15,787
Yes. No worries, Jess.

500
00:18:15,788 --> 00:18:17,295
Is everybody okay?

501
00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:18,356
What, are you nuts?

502
00:18:18,357 --> 00:18:19,508
Oh, God.

503
00:18:22,205 --> 00:18:23,899
Who are you?

504
00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,028
Tanya, please stop flashing the driver.

505
00:18:35,220 --> 00:18:37,246
What, are you like the
Bourne Identity person?

506
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,327
I've got these iss...

507
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:42,003
like, these anger management issues.

508
00:18:42,153 --> 00:18:43,098
Anger management?

509
00:18:43,099 --> 00:18:44,680
But I'm trying to fix it.

510
00:18:44,681 --> 00:18:45,858
I go to all these class...

511
00:18:45,859 --> 00:18:47,616
They're court-ordered classes, but...

512
00:18:47,617 --> 00:18:48,825
And what was, like, all
this stuff you...?

513
00:18:48,826 --> 00:18:50,489
It's martial arts.

514
00:18:50,575 --> 00:18:52,341
I started doing martial arts,

515
00:18:52,577 --> 00:18:53,777
ironically, because I thought

516
00:18:53,778 --> 00:18:57,364
it would give me a little
bit more Zen in my life.

517
00:18:57,365 --> 00:18:59,575
You must be really
freaked out right now.

518
00:18:59,576 --> 00:19:01,818
Yes, I am really freaked out.

519
00:19:02,011 --> 00:19:03,112
I'm so sorry.

520
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:10,642
I hate that I'm so turned on by
your craziness, but I, um...

521
00:19:10,643 --> 00:19:12,441
- Go with it.
- I'm going with it.

522
00:19:14,223 --> 00:19:15,674
You guys sure you're cool
waiting for the tow truck?

523
00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:17,726
Yeah, it's fine.
I'll see you back at the loft.

524
00:19:17,727 --> 00:19:19,721
- Bye, guys. Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

525
00:19:19,722 --> 00:19:21,134
Bye, Julia. Bye, Bro Juice.

526
00:19:21,135 --> 00:19:23,375
- Thank you for that.
- Bro-J, my man.

527
00:19:24,385 --> 00:19:25,652
So, it's my birthday.

528
00:19:25,744 --> 00:19:27,615
- Right now?
- Right now.

529
00:19:27,712 --> 00:19:29,581
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Schmidt.

530
00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:32,608
I'm 29, folks. What's up?

531
00:19:32,914 --> 00:19:34,381
29!

532
00:19:35,526 --> 00:19:37,150
29!

533
00:19:38,049 --> 00:19:39,220
Can you please not tell
anybody I just did that?

534
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,936
That feels embarrassing.

535
00:19:40,937 --> 00:19:43,249
Actually, you know what?
I don't care what people think.

536
00:19:43,464 --> 00:19:45,652
Do you think I care too much
about what people think, Jess?

537
00:19:45,653 --> 00:19:48,446
- Maybe a little bit.
- Maybe.

538
00:19:49,163 --> 00:19:50,255
What? Did you have fun tonight?

539
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,951
'Cause I know it was a little bit...
flawed.

540
00:19:53,764 --> 00:19:55,087
Jess, are you kidding me?

541
00:19:55,197 --> 00:19:59,118
Tonight was... tens across the board.

542
00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:01,609
No splash.

543
00:20:02,137 --> 00:20:04,454
- Good.
- No. For real, I had...

544
00:20:05,422 --> 00:20:07,232
Nobody's ever done that for me before.

545
00:20:08,149 --> 00:20:10,435
Any time, Schmidt. Any time.

546
00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,614
Schmidt, why are you
looking at me like that?

547
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:25,952
Shh.

548
00:20:27,312 --> 00:20:29,931
'Cause you had...
you had fuzz on your face.

549
00:20:29,932 --> 00:20:31,899
- No, no, because I thought...
- Oh, my God.

550
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:33,519
- You had a piece of fuzz on...
- Oh, my God! Jar.

551
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:35,530
- Schmidt!
- You had a piece of fuzz, and...

552
00:20:35,531 --> 00:20:36,866
It was right there and just...

553
00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:38,402
Just put it in the jar, Schmidt.

554
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:40,346
Yeah, come on. No excuses, Schmidt.

555
00:20:40,347 --> 00:20:42,127
You tried to kiss her.

556
00:20:42,128 --> 00:20:44,715
Okay. For you... for you guys.

557
00:20:50,504 --> 00:20:51,855
Happy birthday.

558
00:20:52,703 --> 00:20:53,415
29!

559
00:20:53,416 --> 00:20:54,459
Ten more.

560
00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:56,435
Sorry about that.

561
00:20:57,229 --> 00:20:59,996
Ah, Frankie Muniz.

562
00:21:01,763 --> 00:21:05,140
Ooh, Jess, I just found a
Groupon for hypnosis lessons.

563
00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:07,229
Think about what you can do with that.

564
00:21:08,445 --> 00:21:10,200
- Sex stuff.
- Jar.

565
00:21:11,732 --> 00:21:14,595
- Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?
- Jar!

566
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:17,406
- Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
- Jar!

567
00:21:18,037 --> 00:21:21,196
Darn it!
Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?

568
00:21:21,437 --> 00:21:24,618
Hey, Jess, have you seen
my other timepiece?

569
00:21:26,029 --> 00:21:28,825
Nick, I came up with the best name
for an uncircumcised penis.

570
00:21:28,919 --> 00:21:31,005
- Bishop in a turtleneck.
- Yeah. Jar.

571
00:21:32,048 --> 00:21:35,517
Dammit! I can't find my
driving mocassins anywhere.