1
00:00:01,148 --> 00:00:03,773
Your sheets are so soft.

2
00:00:03,913 --> 00:00:06,328
They've actually been in my
family for almost 40 years.

3
00:00:06,368 --> 00:00:07,071
Wow!

4
00:00:07,115 --> 00:00:09,443
- If these old things could talk, huh?
- Ew.

5
00:00:09,553 --> 00:00:11,061
I was just trying to paint a picture.

6
00:00:11,128 --> 00:00:12,462
Read the room.

7
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,347
Sheez.

8
00:00:15,966 --> 00:00:17,484
- Hey, Julia.
- Hey.

9
00:00:17,568 --> 00:00:20,020
It's so fun having
another girl around here.

10
00:00:20,104 --> 00:00:21,821
There are tampons hidden
all over the apartment.

11
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,808
Ah! Damp towel! Damp!

12
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,911
- Here we go...
- It's like a really big Wet-Nap.

13
00:00:28,378 --> 00:00:32,115
Ah. I feel like I'm being licked
by a golden retriever.

14
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,783
Look at this bathroom.

15
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,335
There should not be two
girls in this bathroom.

16
00:00:35,419 --> 00:00:37,987
You're too humid.
You make everything damp.

17
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:39,839
80% of the products in here are yours.

18
00:00:39,924 --> 00:00:41,758
Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes.

19
00:00:41,825 --> 00:00:43,626
I use sculpting chutney.

20
00:00:43,678 --> 00:00:46,662
Once I'm done with my chutney,
back in the row it goes.

21
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,498
- Hair everywhere...
- Yo.

22
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,500
The multicolored rubber bands.

23
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,652
I'm fine with it.
It's all okay with me.

24
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,788
But a damp towel
is where I draw the line.

25
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,190
Sorry, so what are your
thoughts on damp towels?

26
00:00:57,274 --> 00:00:59,259
Oh, you'd better watch it,
Nick's Overnight Guest.

27
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:00,794
- Julia.
- I know your name.

28
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:05,263
- Are you flexing, right now?
- No.

29
00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:06,154
- Hey.
- Hey.

30
00:01:06,201 --> 00:01:07,687
So, I'm gonna just get ready
in your room.

31
00:01:07,688 --> 00:01:09,345
Sure. Feeling a little weird
and uncomfortable in here?

32
00:01:09,346 --> 00:01:11,048
Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight.

33
00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:12,672
Yeah. See you later.

34
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,791
She's helping me get out
of a traffic ticket.

35
00:01:14,858 --> 00:01:16,743
Jess, are you seriously using
the girl I'm sleeping with

36
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,478
for free legal advice?

37
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,863
Oh, I'm sorry,
the girl you're sleeping with?

38
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,649
I mean, you can't
call her your girlfriend?

39
00:01:22,717 --> 00:01:25,552
- We're not labeling it.
- Oh, you're not labeling it,

40
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,170
'cause you're too sophisticated.

41
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,655
Don't do your "sophisticated guy."

42
00:01:31,726 --> 00:01:34,527
♪ I'm too sophisticated. ♪

43
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,814
♪ I don't believe in labeling. ♪

44
00:01:37,881 --> 00:01:39,920
- You gotta get laid, man.
- You gotta get laid, man.

45
00:01:39,968 --> 00:01:40,858
Yeah, I need to get laid.

46
00:01:40,874 --> 00:01:41,848
- This is bad.
- Get out of here.

47
00:01:41,849 --> 00:01:42,769
Mmm.

48
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,355
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪

49
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,073
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

50
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,881
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

51
00:01:49,811 --> 00:01:51,746
You know, maybe I should call Shelby.

52
00:01:51,813 --> 00:01:53,323
I haven't seen her since
I got back from Latvia.

53
00:01:53,370 --> 00:01:54,981
We did have an amazing time together.

54
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:58,118
Whoo! That was amazing.

55
00:01:58,185 --> 00:02:01,171
- Yeah.
- All right, bye.

56
00:02:01,238 --> 00:02:02,522
I'm gonna call her.

57
00:02:02,606 --> 00:02:05,475
Yeah, over in Latvia

58
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,911
they had this fermented milk
stuff that they drink.

59
00:02:07,978 --> 00:02:11,247
Whole country runs on this stuff.
Called mehkkk.

60
00:02:12,412 --> 00:02:14,498
Mehkkk was definitely
one of my biggest endorsements.

61
00:02:14,546 --> 00:02:15,742
I mean, I have a lot of endorsements,

62
00:02:15,757 --> 00:02:17,404
but that was probably
my biggest endorsement

63
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,990
amongst other endorsements that I had.

64
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:19,865
Wow.

65
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,142
So, um... your place or mine?

66
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,330
What are we laughing at?

67
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,949
How much I'm not going
home with you tonight.

68
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:35,638
You show up after two
years, out of the blue,

69
00:02:35,690 --> 00:02:37,590
and all you do is talk about yourself.

70
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,026
You don't even let me
get a word in edgewise.

71
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:42,595
Why did you agree to let me
take you out for drinks?

72
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,014
Winston, you took me out for a drink

73
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,350
at the place where I work!

74
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,352
Here's your bill.

75
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,654
Thanks for the water.

76
00:02:53,690 --> 00:02:56,359
Man, I told you to get yourself
whatever you wanted.

77
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,878
You chose water.

78
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,580
<i>Have a seat.</i>

79
00:03:00,664 --> 00:03:01,965
Okay.

80
00:03:02,032 --> 00:03:04,384
Let me get you a blanket.

81
00:03:04,468 --> 00:03:06,702
Why would I want a blanket right now?

82
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,922
- Just to get toasty.
- Oh.

83
00:03:11,542 --> 00:03:14,060
Would you like a cookie,
or a cupcake? I made them.

84
00:03:14,145 --> 00:03:16,396
Oh, no. I'm okay.
I'm not really a dessert person.

85
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,765
- I just don't eat it, usually.
- Okay. Okay.

86
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,267
I'm just gonna put this,

87
00:03:21,352 --> 00:03:23,019
like, right here.

88
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,155
- I don't... okay.
- Just...

89
00:03:25,222 --> 00:03:26,489
Why don't you just take me through

90
00:03:26,557 --> 00:03:27,774
what happened with the ticket?

91
00:03:27,858 --> 00:03:29,025
- Okay.
- They got a photo of you?

92
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,493
♪ At the scene of the crime ♪

93
00:03:30,561 --> 00:03:31,694
♪ Meh, meh, meh, meh. ♪

94
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,064
Is this it?

95
00:03:35,116 --> 00:03:37,200
- Yeah.
- Okay.

96
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:40,703
Hmm. This may actually be
kind of hard to argue with.

97
00:03:40,755 --> 00:03:42,905
Well, there's actually more
there than meets the eye.

98
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:45,308
Um, there was a bird...
he's not in the shot...

99
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,405
but he was injured,

100
00:03:46,406 --> 00:03:48,626
and he couldn't get out of
the road, and so I braked,

101
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,547
and then I had to accelerate
out of the intersection.

102
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,348
You missed your first
court date on this.

103
00:03:52,416 --> 00:03:54,517
My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me

104
00:03:54,585 --> 00:03:56,252
before the court date,

105
00:03:56,303 --> 00:03:57,804
because he doesn't believe in mail,

106
00:03:57,888 --> 00:03:59,773
which has to do with his
thoughts on government spending.

107
00:03:59,857 --> 00:04:01,724
Now it's an $800 fine.

108
00:04:01,776 --> 00:04:04,310
That's why I need, like, a
really awesome lawyer, like you.

109
00:04:04,395 --> 00:04:07,197
So... can you help me?

110
00:04:07,264 --> 00:04:09,649
I mean, I can try. You never know.

111
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,901
A judge might buy into
this whole thing, so...

112
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,320
What "whole thing"?

113
00:04:14,405 --> 00:04:15,872
Your whole thing.

114
00:04:15,939 --> 00:04:18,958
With the cupcakes,
and the braking for birds,

115
00:04:19,043 --> 00:04:21,911
and... bluebirds come and
help me dress in the morning.

116
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,713
Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.

117
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:26,216
It's a great thing. I mean, the big,

118
00:04:26,283 --> 00:04:28,635
beautiful eyes, like a scared baby.

119
00:04:28,719 --> 00:04:30,920
I'm sure that gets you
out of all kinds of stuff.

120
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:35,592
Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral
vision's, like, almost too good.

121
00:04:38,429 --> 00:04:40,396
Hey, so...

122
00:04:40,464 --> 00:04:42,298
living here, it's probably fun, right?

123
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:43,933
- Yeah.
- There are, like, lots of girls

124
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,401
coming in and out of this place?

125
00:04:45,469 --> 00:04:48,137
Schmidt's like Ellis
Island in the 1800's.

126
00:04:48,189 --> 00:04:49,405
He accepts everyone.

127
00:04:49,473 --> 00:04:52,442
Yeah, and... Winston and Nick...

128
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:55,161
I probably shouldn't...

129
00:04:55,246 --> 00:04:57,580
- Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...
- Plead the Fifth!

130
00:04:57,648 --> 00:04:59,782
- No, that's not what...
- Objection!

131
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,168
- Nick, hey!
- Hey, Julia!

132
00:05:02,253 --> 00:05:03,369
- You want to hang out in your room?
- Sure.

133
00:05:03,454 --> 00:05:05,154
Jess, if you'll excuse us,

134
00:05:05,206 --> 00:05:07,290
Julie's about to be very disappointed.

135
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,792
Okay, so I will look at
this stuff some more,

136
00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:12,011
I-I'll call some people,
see what I can do.

137
00:05:12,096 --> 00:05:13,796
Here's your blankie back.

138
00:05:17,468 --> 00:05:19,385
- Power blazer. Hey.
- Ha ha.

139
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:22,889
What's going on with the ticket?

140
00:05:25,676 --> 00:05:27,277
She has a problem with me, Nick.

141
00:05:27,344 --> 00:05:29,646
- Okay? She doesn't like me.
- What are you talking about?

142
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:31,114
You don't understand,
'cause you're a guy.

143
00:05:31,181 --> 00:05:33,616
She does not have a problem
with you. She's just...

144
00:05:33,684 --> 00:05:36,069
Nick, your girlfriend's
not a dessert person.

145
00:05:37,688 --> 00:05:39,956
Hmm.

146
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:45,689
She said you have "a whole thing"?

147
00:05:45,755 --> 00:05:47,189
I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts?

148
00:05:47,258 --> 00:05:48,758
Where is she right now?

149
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,860
Look, I think I know what she meant.

150
00:05:50,928 --> 00:05:52,462
I mean, you do like girly stuff.

151
00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:54,898
I mean, it kind of
freaked me out at first.

152
00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:57,901
When I met you, you were
wearing a hat made of ribbons.

153
00:05:57,968 --> 00:06:00,337
My ribbon hat. I love that hat.

154
00:06:00,404 --> 00:06:02,605
Screw her. And I'm gonna
wear that ribbon hat.

155
00:06:02,673 --> 00:06:03,840
Go get it, right now.

156
00:06:03,908 --> 00:06:05,542
Be right back.

157
00:06:05,609 --> 00:06:07,610
Whoa. There she is.

158
00:06:07,678 --> 00:06:09,479
Nick, where is this bitch?

159
00:06:09,547 --> 00:06:11,848
Gonna smack that lawyer learning
right out of her mouth.

160
00:06:11,916 --> 00:06:13,216
Okay, this is getting excessive, guys.

161
00:06:13,284 --> 00:06:15,285
She's actually helping her
get out of a ticket.

162
00:06:15,353 --> 00:06:17,921
By being condescending and judgmental?

163
00:06:17,988 --> 00:06:19,255
What did she say?

164
00:06:19,323 --> 00:06:21,725
Ugh, just drop it, Nick.

165
00:06:21,792 --> 00:06:23,526
Okay, what did Julia do wrong?

166
00:06:23,594 --> 00:06:24,961
It's just how girls fight sometimes.

167
00:06:25,029 --> 00:06:26,329
There's a lot unsaid.

168
00:06:26,397 --> 00:06:27,664
Like one time, a girl said to me,

169
00:06:27,732 --> 00:06:28,965
"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

170
00:06:29,033 --> 00:06:30,633
Ooh. How did she say it?

171
00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:32,736
"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

172
00:06:32,803 --> 00:06:34,838
- That is diabolical.
- I'm really sorry.

173
00:06:34,905 --> 00:06:36,172
And it ruined our friendship.

174
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,208
I mean, I couldn't get over
the polka dot incident.

175
00:06:38,275 --> 00:06:39,509
Warning! Spoiler alert.

176
00:06:39,577 --> 00:06:41,044
Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier

177
00:06:41,112 --> 00:06:42,679
to plug in their flatiron.

178
00:06:42,747 --> 00:06:45,248
I will be putting my
dehumidifier, and my towel,

179
00:06:45,316 --> 00:06:47,984
in my room,
where nothing ever gets wet.

180
00:06:48,052 --> 00:06:50,687
All right, you know what, Jess?
Julia's one of those girls

181
00:06:50,755 --> 00:06:52,756
where she doesn't have,
like, a lot of girl friends.

182
00:06:52,823 --> 00:06:55,558
Because she thinks like a guy.
She doesn't play mind games.

183
00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:57,694
- So blind!
- Look, all I know

184
00:06:57,762 --> 00:06:59,496
is she's totally up front with me.

185
00:06:59,563 --> 00:07:01,765
No subtext, no codes.

186
00:07:01,832 --> 00:07:04,067
Oh. Okay. So did she
come right out and ask you

187
00:07:04,135 --> 00:07:05,468
if you were seeing other girls?

188
00:07:05,536 --> 00:07:07,337
Because... she asked me.

189
00:07:10,441 --> 00:07:13,410
- She did?
- You didn't know that?

190
00:07:13,477 --> 00:07:16,012
'Cause I thought you guys were
so up front with one another.

191
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,281
I thought you guys told
each other everything. Yeah.

192
00:07:18,349 --> 00:07:20,683
She told him she didn't
want to label it.

193
00:07:20,751 --> 00:07:21,684
Oh. I mean, that's a classic move,

194
00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:23,420
even in the lesbian community.

195
00:07:29,193 --> 00:07:30,794
What are we talking about?

196
00:07:30,861 --> 00:07:32,429
Did you just hear the phrase
"lesbian community"

197
00:07:32,496 --> 00:07:33,663
and come running out of your room?

198
00:07:33,731 --> 00:07:35,498
I did. Uh...

199
00:07:35,566 --> 00:07:36,733
question, for you.

200
00:07:36,801 --> 00:07:38,701
This community you speak of,

201
00:07:38,769 --> 00:07:40,737
do the ladies look, uh...

202
00:07:40,805 --> 00:07:44,207
more like this one or, you know...

203
00:07:44,275 --> 00:07:46,443
- kind of Nickish?
- Aw, shut up, Schmidt.

204
00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:48,411
I did date a woman
who looked a lot like Nick.

205
00:07:48,479 --> 00:07:50,780
You did. Felicia.

206
00:07:52,650 --> 00:07:54,250
Why can't you just admit
that she's your girlfriend?

207
00:07:54,318 --> 00:07:56,019
I know, I just thought

208
00:07:56,086 --> 00:07:58,288
it was uncomplicated,
and now I'm freaking out.

209
00:07:58,355 --> 00:08:00,089
I'm not good at being a boyfriend.

210
00:08:00,157 --> 00:08:01,991
I'm good at being that guy
that you find yourself

211
00:08:02,059 --> 00:08:03,326
spending more and more time with

212
00:08:03,394 --> 00:08:04,961
until you meet your husband.

213
00:08:05,029 --> 00:08:08,198
All right. So, so far,
Nick Miller's list of fears is

214
00:08:08,265 --> 00:08:12,001
sharks, tap water, real relationships.

215
00:08:12,069 --> 00:08:13,369
- And blueberries.
- Barkeep.

216
00:08:13,437 --> 00:08:14,904
Get this man a drink.

217
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,407
Ladies, he hasn't had sex
in four months.

218
00:08:17,475 --> 00:08:18,641
Come and get it, ladies.

219
00:08:18,709 --> 00:08:20,653
- I seriously hate you, Schmidt.
- Why?

220
00:08:20,693 --> 00:08:21,880
It didn't go well with Shelby?

221
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,680
I gotta say, I thought
it would be easy.

222
00:08:23,747 --> 00:08:25,415
You know? Maybe...

223
00:08:25,483 --> 00:08:27,584
maybe I don't have game.
Maybe I never had game.

224
00:08:27,651 --> 00:08:29,352
Maybe it's always
been about basketball.

225
00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:31,020
Yeah, you don't have any game.

226
00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:32,622
It's always been because
you play basketball.

227
00:08:32,690 --> 00:08:34,324
Are you seriously just realizing
that you don't have game?

228
00:08:34,391 --> 00:08:36,659
What is your secret, man?
How do normal guys get girls?

229
00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:39,562
Let's not say "normal." Just, you
know, say what it is... "average."

230
00:08:39,630 --> 00:08:41,331
You've had the most game,
out of any of us.

231
00:08:41,398 --> 00:08:42,799
Because for years now,

232
00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,701
you've been working
with absolutely nothing.

233
00:08:44,768 --> 00:08:45,902
- He makes a good point.
- Okay.

234
00:08:45,970 --> 00:08:47,737
- I've been working with nothing.
- Zilch.

235
00:08:47,805 --> 00:08:48,905
You're right, I've got nothing.

236
00:08:48,973 --> 00:08:51,174
Except this.

237
00:08:54,345 --> 00:08:56,980
Ow.

238
00:08:57,047 --> 00:08:58,414
Oh, my God.

239
00:08:58,482 --> 00:09:00,216
Miller! No <i>Cocktail!</i>

240
00:09:00,284 --> 00:09:01,484
Sorry, Julio.

241
00:09:01,552 --> 00:09:04,320
Julia! Hey, Julia!

242
00:09:04,388 --> 00:09:05,555
Hey.

243
00:09:05,623 --> 00:09:06,956
Ooh. You guys are using names?

244
00:09:07,024 --> 00:09:09,926
That's not too labelly for you?

245
00:09:09,994 --> 00:09:11,761
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, Jules.

246
00:09:11,829 --> 00:09:13,029
Hey.

247
00:09:13,097 --> 00:09:15,031
Thought I'd drop by and say hello.

248
00:09:15,099 --> 00:09:16,900
Oh, I didn't know
we were doing drop-bys.

249
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:18,468
Uh...

250
00:09:18,536 --> 00:09:20,737
Here's a scenario
that's paid sexual dividends,

251
00:09:20,804 --> 00:09:22,372
particularly in the Asian markets,

252
00:09:22,439 --> 00:09:25,341
and I think, Jess,
you can back me up on this.

253
00:09:25,409 --> 00:09:26,943
Inform her that you're an aerialist

254
00:09:27,011 --> 00:09:28,278
for the Cirque du Soleil.

255
00:09:28,345 --> 00:09:29,913
Winston, just ask questions,

256
00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:31,614
pay attention to her, listen to her,

257
00:09:31,682 --> 00:09:33,383
don't listen to him.

258
00:09:33,450 --> 00:09:35,385
Oh, believe me, I don't
take advice from Schmidt.

259
00:09:35,452 --> 00:09:37,186
Never have, never will. Ever.

260
00:09:37,254 --> 00:09:39,289
So Jess told me what

261
00:09:39,356 --> 00:09:42,392
- you asked her yesterday.
- What?

262
00:09:42,459 --> 00:09:44,694
That you asked if I was
sleeping with other people.

263
00:09:44,762 --> 00:09:48,398
- That is not even...
- I... what?

264
00:09:48,465 --> 00:09:50,967
I don't want to play games.
That's not what happened, okay?

265
00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:53,336
I just said something to h,
because I was feeling

266
00:09:53,404 --> 00:09:54,704
kind of guilty, because I'm, uh...

267
00:09:54,772 --> 00:09:56,806
I'm dating other people,
and I just, you know...

268
00:09:56,874 --> 00:09:59,442
wanted to see if you were also
dating other people.

269
00:09:59,510 --> 00:10:00,543
- You're dating other people?
- Yeah, yeah.

270
00:10:02,513 --> 00:10:04,514
No. No, I'm seeing other people, too.

271
00:10:04,582 --> 00:10:07,183
Good. Good.

272
00:10:07,251 --> 00:10:09,218
I'm having sex all the time.
I'm like a mailman.

273
00:10:09,286 --> 00:10:12,322
Except instead of mail,
it's hot sex that I deliver.

274
00:10:12,389 --> 00:10:14,190
I've had to start carrying, like,

275
00:10:14,258 --> 00:10:16,059
athletic shoes in my purse,

276
00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:19,262
'cause I have to sprint from
one sexual encounter to another.

277
00:10:19,330 --> 00:10:20,496
Can't wear heels.

278
00:10:20,564 --> 00:10:22,799
Well, I'm having sex right now.

279
00:10:22,866 --> 00:10:24,200
Under the bar.

280
00:10:24,268 --> 00:10:25,635
And she's on top.

281
00:10:25,703 --> 00:10:27,070
So figure that out.

282
00:10:28,806 --> 00:10:30,907
- Was that her?
- Yeah.

283
00:10:30,975 --> 00:10:32,108
- Well, great.
- Great.

284
00:10:32,176 --> 00:10:33,309
Then we're both doing
the exact same thing.

285
00:10:33,377 --> 00:10:34,844
And we're on the same page.

286
00:10:34,912 --> 00:10:36,312
Kudos for not putting labels on things.

287
00:10:36,380 --> 00:10:38,114
That is exactly what I want.
It's my dream.

288
00:10:38,182 --> 00:10:39,682
Just going to go to
the bathroom really quickly.

289
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:41,484
Okay. Great.

290
00:10:51,061 --> 00:10:52,996
Hey. Julia?

291
00:10:53,063 --> 00:10:54,497
Are you serious?

292
00:10:54,565 --> 00:10:56,165
Did Nick say some stuff to you?

293
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:57,867
Because I'm really sorry,
and I want to explain...

294
00:10:57,935 --> 00:10:59,469
Why would you tell him
that I said that?

295
00:10:59,536 --> 00:11:01,104
Do you know what that
makes me look like?

296
00:11:01,171 --> 00:11:02,605
Um...

297
00:11:02,673 --> 00:11:03,840
I see what you're doing.

298
00:11:03,907 --> 00:11:05,174
I know that I'm

299
00:11:05,242 --> 00:11:06,476
the mean lawyer girl

300
00:11:06,543 --> 00:11:08,845
who wears suits and works too much

301
00:11:08,912 --> 00:11:11,781
and you... you're
the really fun teacher girl

302
00:11:11,849 --> 00:11:15,418
with all the colorful skirts
and you bake things.

303
00:11:15,486 --> 00:11:17,487
And eventually, Nick
is going to come running to you

304
00:11:17,554 --> 00:11:19,822
and you'll tuck him in
under his blankie and...

305
00:11:19,890 --> 00:11:21,524
What is it with you
and the blankie thing?

306
00:11:21,592 --> 00:11:23,626
I never said the word blankie.

307
00:11:23,694 --> 00:11:25,628
I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.

308
00:11:25,696 --> 00:11:28,264
If I acted the way that you act
when I was at work,

309
00:11:28,332 --> 00:11:29,632
nobody would listen to me.

310
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,434
Well, if I acted like you at work,

311
00:11:31,502 --> 00:11:32,969
my students would turn in

312
00:11:33,037 --> 00:11:34,771
really weird, dark dioramas, so...

313
00:11:34,838 --> 00:11:37,073
I don't like you.

314
00:11:37,141 --> 00:11:39,842
And I don't want
to be your friend, so...

315
00:11:39,910 --> 00:11:41,444
- Fine.
- Can you leave, please?

316
00:11:41,512 --> 00:11:43,646
Because...

317
00:11:43,714 --> 00:11:46,282
I am about to start crying,

318
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:47,550
and you are the last person

319
00:11:47,618 --> 00:11:50,086
that I want to cry in front of.

320
00:11:50,154 --> 00:11:52,355
I want to cry, t, and...

321
00:11:52,423 --> 00:11:54,023
where am I supposed to cry?

322
00:11:54,091 --> 00:11:56,693
You can't monopolize
the bathroom crying space.

323
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,994
Please go.

324
00:12:04,468 --> 00:12:06,536
What are you doing, Jess?

325
00:12:06,603 --> 00:12:08,304
- Get out!
- I'm sorry.

326
00:12:17,835 --> 00:12:19,869
- Winston, what are you doing?
- Ba, ba, ba, ba,

327
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,220
ba, ba.

328
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:23,589
I have come here to listen to you.

329
00:12:23,674 --> 00:12:25,224
Should I have interrupted you
to tell you that?

330
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,009
Probably not.

331
00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:28,544
So how... how are you?

332
00:12:28,595 --> 00:12:31,013
Tell me about your life,
and how is everything?

333
00:12:31,065 --> 00:12:33,483
Winston, what am I supposed to do?

334
00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:36,018
I was a booty call for two years,

335
00:12:36,070 --> 00:12:38,104
and then I was nothing for two years.

336
00:12:38,188 --> 00:12:40,573
You show up bragging
after all this time

337
00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:41,824
like nothing has changed.

338
00:12:41,892 --> 00:12:43,359
What do you want me to think?

339
00:12:44,561 --> 00:12:45,895
That I'm an idiot.

340
00:12:45,946 --> 00:12:47,780
And you know what?

341
00:12:47,865 --> 00:12:50,066
You're right, and I'm sorry.

342
00:12:50,134 --> 00:12:52,869
It's just that since I've
stopped playing ball,

343
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,505
I realize I'm not that good at this.

344
00:12:55,572 --> 00:12:57,623
And, quite frankly,
you are way out of my league.

345
00:12:57,708 --> 00:12:59,375
That is clear now.

346
00:12:59,426 --> 00:13:03,596
But... I do hope this is not
the last time I see you,

347
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,632
but whatever you want, I'm cool with.

348
00:13:06,717 --> 00:13:08,935
I got to get back to work.

349
00:13:09,019 --> 00:13:10,419
Yeah.

350
00:13:10,471 --> 00:13:13,255
Yeah, I'll help you.

351
00:13:13,307 --> 00:13:14,891
See?

352
00:13:14,942 --> 00:13:16,859
I'm the manager.

353
00:13:16,927 --> 00:13:18,194
- Oh, you're the manager?
- Yeah.

354
00:13:18,261 --> 00:13:21,230
- Wow, that's amazing.
- It's okay.

355
00:13:21,281 --> 00:13:22,648
Case 73.

356
00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:24,233
Mr. Sandoval.

357
00:13:25,903 --> 00:13:28,371
I see you have dressed
for the occasion.

358
00:13:28,438 --> 00:13:29,739
Oh. Hi.

359
00:13:29,790 --> 00:13:30,990
You didn't have to come.

360
00:13:31,074 --> 00:13:32,375
I'm sure you're very busy.

361
00:13:32,442 --> 00:13:33,910
I said that I would be here,

362
00:13:33,961 --> 00:13:35,328
so I'm here. Don't worry.

363
00:13:35,412 --> 00:13:36,946
I think I can handle it. Let's just

364
00:13:36,997 --> 00:13:39,081
get this over with
so we can get out of here.

365
00:13:42,836 --> 00:13:44,604
Your Honor.

366
00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:48,758
Your Honor.

367
00:13:48,809 --> 00:13:50,292
Your Honor.

368
00:13:50,344 --> 00:13:51,961
These are the facts, Your Honor.

369
00:13:51,979 --> 00:13:53,646
♪ Your Honor.

370
00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:57,350
Case 74... Jessica Day.

371
00:13:57,426 --> 00:14:00,064
Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir.
Okay, listen.

372
00:14:00,126 --> 00:14:01,775
You just have to enter
the plea yourself,

373
00:14:01,837 --> 00:14:03,025
all right, and then I'll do the rest.

374
00:14:03,072 --> 00:14:04,384
Okay, okay. I got it, all right?

375
00:14:04,463 --> 00:14:06,502
So you know, all you have to do is say...
I got it! Thank you.

376
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:07,777
Okay. Okay. How do you plead?

377
00:14:07,822 --> 00:14:08,643
Guilty. What?

378
00:14:08,674 --> 00:14:10,296
Great. Pay your fine upstairs.

379
00:14:11,582 --> 00:14:14,562
Well, I guess we're never going to know

380
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,904
if the bird defense works.

381
00:14:15,958 --> 00:14:17,458
Such a bummer, too.

382
00:14:17,502 --> 00:14:19,053
We have this pool at my office.

383
00:14:19,114 --> 00:14:20,247
Okay. Hey!

384
00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:23,342
I got something to say to you, man.

385
00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:24,660
What?

386
00:14:24,711 --> 00:14:26,462
I brake for birds.

387
00:14:26,513 --> 00:14:28,598
I rock a lot of polka dots.

388
00:14:28,665 --> 00:14:31,634
I have touched glitter
in the last 24 hours.

389
00:14:31,685 --> 00:14:34,804
I spend my entire day
talking to children.

390
00:14:34,855 --> 00:14:38,140
And I find it fundamentally strange

391
00:14:38,192 --> 00:14:39,942
that you're not a dessert person.

392
00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:42,311
That's just weird,
and it freaks me out.

393
00:14:42,362 --> 00:14:44,230
And I'm sorry I don't
talk like Murphy Brown.

394
00:14:44,314 --> 00:14:45,982
And I hate your pantsuit.

395
00:14:46,066 --> 00:14:48,317
I wish it had ribbons
on it or something

396
00:14:48,368 --> 00:14:49,869
to make it just slightly cuter.

397
00:14:49,953 --> 00:14:52,187
And that doesn't mean I'm not smart

398
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:54,356
and tough and strong.

399
00:14:54,408 --> 00:14:55,858
Okay.

400
00:14:55,909 --> 00:14:57,293
And I know you like Nick,

401
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,328
and I'm not trying to interfere,

402
00:14:59,379 --> 00:15:01,831
but you should just
talk to him about it.

403
00:15:01,882 --> 00:15:03,532
Are you done?

404
00:15:03,584 --> 00:15:05,084
I am almost done.

405
00:15:05,168 --> 00:15:09,255
I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine,

406
00:15:09,339 --> 00:15:13,426
and my checks have baby
farm animals on them, bitch.

407
00:15:14,878 --> 00:15:16,596
That's the wrong way.

408
00:15:25,511 --> 00:15:26,528
You moved.

409
00:15:26,612 --> 00:15:27,862
You remember my old place?

410
00:15:27,947 --> 00:15:29,531
The place in the hood?

411
00:15:29,615 --> 00:15:30,815
No.

412
00:15:30,866 --> 00:15:32,834
It was hood-adjacent. Whatever.

413
00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:37,589
So, um... so this was nice.

414
00:15:37,656 --> 00:15:39,157
Yeah, it was.

415
00:15:40,710 --> 00:15:42,510
You want to know what I want to do now?

416
00:15:42,595 --> 00:15:43,995
What?

417
00:15:44,046 --> 00:15:46,131
Take you on a real date.

418
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:49,500
Why don't you call me?

419
00:15:50,669 --> 00:15:52,637
Good night, Winston.

420
00:16:01,731 --> 00:16:03,231
- Winston, what's happening?
- Huh?

421
00:16:03,316 --> 00:16:04,566
Yeah, good night.

422
00:16:04,650 --> 00:16:06,017
What is wrong with you, man?

423
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:07,902
You got no game. That was so stupid.

424
00:16:13,192 --> 00:16:15,960
Hey! Anyone!

425
00:16:16,028 --> 00:16:17,796
My towel!

426
00:16:17,863 --> 00:16:19,998
Can someone please get my towel?

427
00:16:20,049 --> 00:16:22,917
It's in my room
next to my Irish walking cape.

428
00:16:23,002 --> 00:16:24,636
The... the bigger towel.

429
00:16:24,703 --> 00:16:27,222
Not... do not touch the small one.

430
00:16:27,306 --> 00:16:28,973
Okay, I left my towel in my room.

431
00:16:29,041 --> 00:16:31,176
Nobody look.

432
00:16:31,227 --> 00:16:32,377
Nobody look, yo.

433
00:16:32,428 --> 00:16:34,179
We don't want to. Nobody look.

434
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:35,897
Seriously, no... no one's looking?

435
00:16:35,981 --> 00:16:38,400
All right, forget it.

436
00:16:38,484 --> 00:16:41,403
Aah! Damn it!
See, he's a natural blond.

437
00:16:41,487 --> 00:16:44,255
What shape is that supposed
to be shaved into?

438
00:16:44,323 --> 00:16:46,408
Think he's trying to force perspective.

439
00:16:46,492 --> 00:16:48,559
Very funny. I got
to get something off my chest.

440
00:16:48,611 --> 00:16:51,062
No, Schmidt, there is an apron

441
00:16:51,113 --> 00:16:53,164
right over there... go cover yourself.

442
00:16:53,232 --> 00:16:55,367
You are Jewish. You're making me gayer.

443
00:16:55,418 --> 00:16:57,502
Are you going to go on,
like, a big wet towel rant?

444
00:16:57,569 --> 00:16:59,087
No. This is now a sex rant.

445
00:16:59,171 --> 00:17:00,405
To wit,

446
00:17:00,456 --> 00:17:02,073
six months ago, I thought

447
00:17:02,124 --> 00:17:04,325
getting a girl roommate
would mean sex all the time...

448
00:17:04,393 --> 00:17:07,295
definitely with her friends
and probably with her.

449
00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:08,546
Are there women here?

450
00:17:08,597 --> 00:17:09,964
Yeah, sure, more than ever.

451
00:17:10,049 --> 00:17:12,384
But you... not going to happen.

452
00:17:12,435 --> 00:17:14,552
You, I will never give up.

453
00:17:14,603 --> 00:17:16,971
And you... well, you sample
from the gumbo pot.

454
00:17:17,056 --> 00:17:18,923
I am in a damp bathroom

455
00:17:18,974 --> 00:17:22,727
full of naked women every day,
and I hate it.

456
00:17:22,795 --> 00:17:25,096
It's like a nightmare. I'm in a...

457
00:17:25,147 --> 00:17:28,116
watermelon-themed apron with a...

458
00:17:29,702 --> 00:17:31,269
A tampon?

459
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,272
Why would you need this for cooking?

460
00:17:34,323 --> 00:17:36,174
I just had an idea.

461
00:17:36,242 --> 00:17:38,326
Why don't we hang our
towels on towel bars

462
00:17:38,411 --> 00:17:40,128
instead of hooks, and
that'll make them dryer?

463
00:17:40,212 --> 00:17:41,946
That is the...

464
00:17:41,997 --> 00:17:45,717
that is... that is a great idea.

465
00:17:46,886 --> 00:17:48,086
Quick question for you.

466
00:17:48,137 --> 00:17:51,172
As a lesbian gynecologist,

467
00:17:51,257 --> 00:17:54,058
perhaps, one of these days,
the two of us

468
00:17:54,126 --> 00:17:56,261
could sit down and talk about OSI.

469
00:17:56,312 --> 00:17:58,480
- What is OSI?
- Our shared interest.

470
00:17:58,564 --> 00:18:00,432
- Schmidt, clothe yourself!
- All right, all right.

471
00:18:00,483 --> 00:18:01,683
It was just a suggestion.

472
00:18:04,437 --> 00:18:06,070
Oh.

473
00:18:06,138 --> 00:18:08,106
- Hey.
- Hi.

474
00:18:08,157 --> 00:18:09,774
Nick's not here.

475
00:18:09,825 --> 00:18:11,159
That's okay.

476
00:18:11,243 --> 00:18:14,195
Uh, because I came here to...

477
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,830
well, I kind of came

478
00:18:15,915 --> 00:18:19,000
because I-I thought
it would be good if you and I...

479
00:18:19,084 --> 00:18:20,752
Hey, Jess, my hands are actually stuck

480
00:18:20,819 --> 00:18:22,504
- in the yarn because...
- Oh.

481
00:18:22,588 --> 00:18:24,839
I didn't realize that you
had people over. Sorry.

482
00:18:24,924 --> 00:18:28,092
No, it's just... crochet time.

483
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,878
Yeah.

484
00:18:29,962 --> 00:18:31,379
- Nick's not here right now.
- No, I know.

485
00:18:31,464 --> 00:18:33,548
Thanks.

486
00:18:33,632 --> 00:18:36,267
I'll just come back later.

487
00:18:36,335 --> 00:18:37,185
Hey, Julia.

488
00:18:38,471 --> 00:18:39,604
Do you want to crochet with us?

489
00:18:43,476 --> 00:18:45,677
I mean, growing up was brutal.

490
00:18:45,744 --> 00:18:47,729
I went to an all-girls school.

491
00:18:47,813 --> 00:18:49,847
The worst... girls can be
so mean to each other.

492
00:18:49,899 --> 00:18:52,367
Yeah, Cece and I hid
in the bathroom for four years.

493
00:18:52,451 --> 00:18:53,868
This is... this is really nice, guys.

494
00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:55,353
Thank you for letting me join in.

495
00:18:55,404 --> 00:18:56,738
It's totally relaxing.

496
00:18:56,822 --> 00:18:58,689
Except that I don't know why,

497
00:18:58,741 --> 00:19:00,992
if I put the fox through the cave,

498
00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:02,360
it doesn't... the yarn is broken.

499
00:19:02,411 --> 00:19:03,628
I don't know

500
00:19:03,695 --> 00:19:06,247
why this is not turning into...

501
00:19:06,332 --> 00:19:08,082
What you making?

502
00:19:08,167 --> 00:19:09,751
A hat.

503
00:19:09,835 --> 00:19:12,136
If you're making a hat
for a baby, it is done.

504
00:19:12,204 --> 00:19:14,038
Yeah.

505
00:19:16,141 --> 00:19:17,842
Hey, Julia.

506
00:19:17,893 --> 00:19:19,310
What are you doing here?

507
00:19:19,378 --> 00:19:21,179
Could I talk to you for a second?

508
00:19:21,230 --> 00:19:22,547
Okay.

509
00:19:23,933 --> 00:19:25,350
Hey, Julia.

510
00:19:25,401 --> 00:19:27,101
Stop.

511
00:19:27,186 --> 00:19:29,487
No, there's something
that I need to say to you.

512
00:19:29,555 --> 00:19:30,488
All right. Then go ahead.

513
00:19:31,740 --> 00:19:32,857
- Okay.
- Okay.

514
00:19:32,908 --> 00:19:34,725
I'm going to say it.

515
00:19:34,777 --> 00:19:37,078
- Okay, I...
- Just say it.

516
00:19:37,162 --> 00:19:39,280
All right. I-I wanted to say that...

517
00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:41,249
I don't want to date anybody else.

518
00:19:41,333 --> 00:19:43,501
I just want to date you.

519
00:19:46,922 --> 00:19:48,590
Well, that's what I
was going to say to you.

520
00:19:49,908 --> 00:19:51,209
- Really?
- Yeah.

521
00:19:52,845 --> 00:19:55,930
So, then... so, then,
what does that mean?

522
00:19:56,015 --> 00:19:58,766
You're, like, my boyfriend now?

523
00:19:58,851 --> 00:20:00,852
I'm not really into labels.

524
00:20:00,919 --> 00:20:01,853
Yeah, all right.

525
00:20:09,228 --> 00:20:10,395
Boyfriend.

526
00:20:10,446 --> 00:20:12,447
That's so lame.

527
00:20:12,531 --> 00:20:14,616
You're totally going to...

528
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,818
carry my books home from school.

529
00:20:16,902 --> 00:20:19,103
I will if you wear
my leatherman jacket.

530
00:20:19,154 --> 00:20:20,788
It's "letterman" jacket.
No, I'm pretty sure

531
00:20:20,873 --> 00:20:22,773
it's a leatherman jacket. You letter...

532
00:20:22,825 --> 00:20:24,208
The leather sleeves
that the football guys wear?

533
00:20:24,276 --> 00:20:26,628
I'm right. I'm right.

534
00:20:28,714 --> 00:20:29,981
I'm glad you pitched a fit,

535
00:20:30,049 --> 00:20:31,799
because my towel is very dry.

536
00:20:31,884 --> 00:20:34,085
I didn't pitch a fit. I just...

537
00:20:34,136 --> 00:20:35,637
Damp!

538
00:20:35,721 --> 00:20:37,171
Damn it!

539
00:20:37,256 --> 00:20:38,806
Everybody... bathroom now!

540
00:20:38,891 --> 00:20:40,975
What's up, Dad?

541
00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:42,560
- What, Schmidt?
- Is someone playing

542
00:20:42,628 --> 00:20:44,012
a joke on me?

543
00:20:44,096 --> 00:20:45,763
Honestly, why is my towel still damp?

544
00:20:45,814 --> 00:20:48,600
cause it's not your towel;
it's my towel, Schmidt.

545
00:20:48,651 --> 00:20:50,435
No, it's not your towel.
Your towel is the red one.

546
00:20:50,486 --> 00:20:51,569
I'll tell you this, pal.

547
00:20:51,637 --> 00:20:52,987
I've never used that.

548
00:20:53,072 --> 00:20:54,172
I do use that one every single day.

549
00:20:55,608 --> 00:20:56,807
Oh, God.

550
00:20:56,859 --> 00:20:58,976
This towel's so warm and fluffy.

551
00:20:59,028 --> 00:21:01,029
It's like it's been in the sun forever.

552
00:21:01,113 --> 00:21:02,664
This means you two
have been drying your junk

553
00:21:02,748 --> 00:21:04,666
- with the same towel.
- Intimate.

554
00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:06,450
- Are you out of your mind?!
- What do you mean, am I...

555
00:21:06,502 --> 00:21:08,386
How do you think this is
your towel? Do you even wash it?

556
00:21:08,453 --> 00:21:10,638
No, I don't wash the towel;
the towel washes me.

557
00:21:10,723 --> 00:21:12,623
Who washes a towel?

558
00:21:12,675 --> 00:21:14,342
- You never wash...?
- You wash your towel?

559
00:21:14,426 --> 00:21:16,978
- You never wash the towel?
- What am I going to do?

560
00:21:17,062 --> 00:21:19,681
Wash the shower next?
Wash a bar of soap?

561
00:21:19,765 --> 00:21:22,317
- You got to think here, pal.
- I'm furious right now.

562
00:21:22,401 --> 00:21:24,686
I get out of the damn shower,
I'm clean as a damn baby,

563
00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:26,471
- and I use the towel.
- Let me ask you this.

564
00:21:26,538 --> 00:21:28,639
Have you been wearing my underpants?

565
00:21:28,691 --> 00:21:30,307
Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?

566
00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:32,694
You guys don't wear
each other's underpants?

567
00:21:32,778 --> 00:21:35,775
You're lying. We all wear
each other's underwear.

568
00:21:36,002 --> 00:21:39,081
www.addic7ed.com