1 00:00:01,174 --> 00:00:03,971 Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot. 2 00:00:04,139 --> 00:00:05,272 I was here first! 3 00:00:05,324 --> 00:00:06,607 That's my space, huh? 4 00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:09,327 - This isn't Europe! Move! - Come on. Come on, Nick. 5 00:00:09,411 --> 00:00:11,195 Maybe he's a really nice guy. He's just having a bad day. 6 00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:12,530 I don't care if he's a nice guy. 7 00:00:12,614 --> 00:00:15,482 Get that piece of crap out of my space. 8 00:00:15,534 --> 00:00:17,118 - Don't... - Come on, dude. Why don't you come in here, 9 00:00:17,169 --> 00:00:18,285 - Nick! - ...take my pants off... 10 00:00:18,337 --> 00:00:19,036 ...and kiss my ass? 11 00:00:20,372 --> 00:00:21,539 Oh! Oh, my God! 12 00:00:21,623 --> 00:00:23,624 What do you got to say now? Huh? 13 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,093 - Oh, my God, it's like The Wire! - He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down. 14 00:00:26,161 --> 00:00:27,328 Oh, my God. You still think he's a nice guy, Jess? 15 00:00:27,396 --> 00:00:28,662 That's what I thought. 16 00:00:28,714 --> 00:00:30,381 Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. 17 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:32,299 Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. 18 00:00:32,351 --> 00:00:34,218 - Hi. - Huh? Get down. What are you doing?! 19 00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:35,269 Hi. Don't kill us. 20 00:00:35,337 --> 00:00:36,721 Don't use guns! 21 00:00:36,805 --> 00:00:38,222 Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. 22 00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:39,357 We're sorry. Take the spot. 23 00:00:39,441 --> 00:00:40,441 - Sir... - Just be submissive. 24 00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:42,009 Sorry about this guy. 25 00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:43,444 - Don't apologize... - He's overreacting. 26 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:45,896 I'm overreacting? He has a gun, 27 00:00:45,981 --> 00:00:48,132 and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. 28 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,367 Thank you, sir. Thank you. 29 00:00:49,451 --> 00:00:50,751 I can't believe this is working. 30 00:00:50,819 --> 00:00:53,287 - Sorry. - You out-crazied a man with a gun. 31 00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:54,522 Have a good day. 32 00:00:54,589 --> 00:00:56,507 See, it worked. 33 00:00:56,575 --> 00:00:59,693 You always see the worst in people. 34 00:00:59,745 --> 00:01:02,362 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 35 00:01:02,414 --> 00:01:04,131 ♪ Who's that girl? Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 36 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,550 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 37 00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:07,885 Here we go again. 38 00:01:07,969 --> 00:01:09,887 Another text message from work. Look at that. 39 00:01:09,971 --> 00:01:12,390 "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! 40 00:01:12,974 --> 00:01:13,774 What is she trying to say? 41 00:01:13,842 --> 00:01:16,093 I'm not an expert at your industry at all, 42 00:01:19,598 --> 00:01:20,714 Sometime today. 43 00:01:20,766 --> 00:01:22,233 Oh, wait. At 11:00. 44 00:01:22,317 --> 00:01:23,768 You don't understand. 45 00:01:23,852 --> 00:01:26,187 I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately. 46 00:01:26,238 --> 00:01:27,605 What is wrong with you? 47 00:01:27,672 --> 00:01:29,389 The world is not out to seduce you. 48 00:01:29,441 --> 00:01:31,692 "And bring me the budget reports." 49 00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:34,078 Why can't she just say what she wants? 50 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,363 What kind of sick game is she playing? 51 00:01:36,415 --> 00:01:37,782 It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head. 52 00:01:37,849 --> 00:01:39,784 Nonfat vanilla latte. 53 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,737 We're not talking about coffee... 54 00:01:44,289 --> 00:01:46,524 are we? 55 00:01:47,291 --> 00:01:48,592 Three, please. 56 00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:51,045 Are you sure you want me to... 57 00:01:51,096 --> 00:01:53,531 stop at three? 58 00:01:54,098 --> 00:01:55,549 I have a package for Schmidt. 59 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,603 Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline. 60 00:01:59,671 --> 00:02:01,172 He said he had a package 61 00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:04,191 - for Schmidt. - Oh, you're always 62 00:02:04,259 --> 00:02:06,193 starting fights with everyone, Nick. 63 00:02:06,261 --> 00:02:07,728 I mean, not everyone's out to get you. 64 00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:09,463 He had a gun, Jess! 65 00:02:09,531 --> 00:02:11,899 He was literally out to get me. 66 00:02:11,950 --> 00:02:14,535 Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met? 67 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,570 Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up 68 00:02:16,621 --> 00:02:18,739 right in that little satinous center below his belly button. 69 00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,491 I mean, he's not wrong, though. 70 00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:22,326 - His life is genuinely terrible. - You know what, Jess? 71 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:25,612 I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, 72 00:02:25,663 --> 00:02:27,281 and people do what I want them to do. 73 00:02:27,332 --> 00:02:29,049 - You never smile. - A smile is a sign of weakness. 74 00:02:30,302 --> 00:02:31,385 No! 75 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,721 All right, everybody relax. 76 00:02:43,131 --> 00:02:45,132 Get out! 77 00:02:46,183 --> 00:02:47,567 It's fixed. 78 00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,153 Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord. 79 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:50,070 - Uh-uh. - This is ridiculous. 80 00:02:50,138 --> 00:02:51,471 Don't call the landlord. 81 00:02:51,523 --> 00:02:52,639 We don't need him here, and he's a jerk. 82 00:02:52,691 --> 00:02:54,575 See, here's an example. 83 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,243 Maybe you never gave him the chance 84 00:02:56,311 --> 00:02:57,862 to show you what a great guy he is. 85 00:02:57,946 --> 00:02:59,747 Yeah, he's a terrible person. No, Jess. He sucks. 86 00:02:59,814 --> 00:03:01,148 Don't call the landlord, I'm serious. 87 00:03:01,199 --> 00:03:03,250 Okay. 88 00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:08,422 Hey, Kim, where should I put this... 89 00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,343 budget... report? 90 00:03:12,427 --> 00:03:14,595 - On the desk. - Yeah, um, okay. 91 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,297 I'll just... Thanks. So... 92 00:03:16,348 --> 00:03:19,033 Schmidt, my files need sorting. 93 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,605 Do it here... so I can watch. 94 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:26,607 Okay. 95 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,842 So, you want me to... 96 00:03:28,894 --> 00:03:31,312 sort... your files? 97 00:03:32,363 --> 00:03:33,680 Is that right? 98 00:03:38,186 --> 00:03:39,620 What are you doing? 99 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,805 What am I...? Hmm? Okay. 100 00:03:41,873 --> 00:03:44,241 Because I probably got this one wet, so I'm gonna re... 101 00:03:44,326 --> 00:03:47,161 I'm just gonna replace all of them. 102 00:03:57,722 --> 00:04:00,341 Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? 103 00:04:00,392 --> 00:04:04,478 Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. 104 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,180 I know I do, 105 00:04:06,231 --> 00:04:08,215 so if you could do me a solid and 106 00:04:08,966 --> 00:04:10,500 take care of those extras? 107 00:04:13,237 --> 00:04:15,272 Cool office. 108 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,724 I like your... 109 00:04:17,792 --> 00:04:20,026 bucket of... 110 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:21,578 gasoline. 111 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,497 It's super practical. 112 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,248 What you got there? 113 00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:28,919 Broom. 114 00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,873 So, I live in, um, Four D... 115 00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:36,910 There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. 116 00:04:37,661 --> 00:04:40,297 Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. 117 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:43,049 - What do you say? - No. 118 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,690 That's a sweet picture. 119 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,809 How old are your kids? 120 00:04:52,894 --> 00:04:54,311 I did that. 121 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:58,115 It's me and my ex-wife. 122 00:04:58,199 --> 00:04:59,766 Okay, you know what? Um... 123 00:04:59,817 --> 00:05:01,685 My roommates are really scared of you, but I know 124 00:05:01,752 --> 00:05:03,737 you're a good man, and I know you don't want 125 00:05:03,788 --> 00:05:04,955 the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. 126 00:05:05,039 --> 00:05:06,624 The four of you? 127 00:05:06,708 --> 00:05:09,509 Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people. 128 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:15,115 Oh, did I say four? 129 00:05:15,183 --> 00:05:16,282 You know what? 130 00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:17,951 I was counting myself twice. 131 00:05:18,002 --> 00:05:19,469 It's so easy to do. 132 00:05:19,554 --> 00:05:22,339 Big personality over here, so... 133 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,174 gonna go... 134 00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:27,427 Hey, guys. 135 00:05:27,478 --> 00:05:28,546 I've got a fun exercise. 136 00:05:28,547 --> 00:05:30,247 I'd like everybody to take a moment 137 00:05:30,332 --> 00:05:32,967 and think back to a time when they did something stupid, 138 00:05:33,034 --> 00:05:35,702 how they were treated, and how they wish they were treated. 139 00:05:35,754 --> 00:05:38,556 What did you do, Jess? LANDLORD Open up! 140 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,057 Did you talk to the landlord? 141 00:05:40,141 --> 00:05:42,709 - Little bit. - Okay, it's happening. Guys, go. 142 00:05:42,761 --> 00:05:43,710 Ginny. Call me Ginny. Ginny. 143 00:05:43,762 --> 00:05:45,563 Ginny. I'm Ginny. Okay, go. 144 00:05:45,647 --> 00:05:46,931 We'll be right there. Come on, let's go. Go, go. Okay, okay. 145 00:05:47,015 --> 00:05:48,115 Come on, this is what we trained for, guys. 146 00:05:48,183 --> 00:05:49,567 Go! All the way, all the way, all the way. 147 00:05:49,651 --> 00:05:50,935 Be careful with the duvet, please. 148 00:05:51,019 --> 00:05:53,070 Shut up, Schmidt! I'm freaking out! 149 00:05:53,154 --> 00:05:55,522 - Oh, my God. - Told you we didn't practice this enough. 150 00:05:56,574 --> 00:05:57,524 Jess, close those up. 151 00:05:57,576 --> 00:05:59,393 - Oh, there goes the chinos. - Oh! 152 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,745 Brad. Coach. 153 00:06:03,949 --> 00:06:06,500 Oh. Hello. 154 00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,003 Ginny! I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles. 155 00:06:09,070 --> 00:06:11,672 It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives. 156 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,007 Oh. Hollywood! 157 00:06:13,074 --> 00:06:14,458 - Oh. - Oh, good-bye. 158 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,926 - Bye, Ginny. - Yeah, Ginny. 159 00:06:16,011 --> 00:06:17,378 - Thank you for memories. - Bye, Ginny. 160 00:06:17,429 --> 00:06:19,246 Ginny. You're the best, Ginny. 161 00:06:19,297 --> 00:06:21,548 - Oh, I'll miss him. - I love Ginny. 162 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,467 So, someone told me you have four people living here. 163 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:24,885 Well, that idiot 164 00:06:24,936 --> 00:06:27,271 probably doesn't know what she's talking about, so... 165 00:06:27,355 --> 00:06:29,440 You don't want... you don't want to go in the library... 166 00:06:29,524 --> 00:06:30,774 Who left the library like this? 167 00:06:30,859 --> 00:06:31,976 You kidding me? Oh! 168 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:33,777 Know what? This is so 169 00:06:33,862 --> 00:06:35,929 embarrassing. Who left the library like...? 170 00:06:35,981 --> 00:06:37,364 - This is a mess. - Hey, hey, where you going, my man? 171 00:06:40,669 --> 00:06:43,070 Oh. Hello. 172 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,706 Train to Panama all sold out. 173 00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:47,774 Must be the Mardi Gras. 174 00:06:51,696 --> 00:06:53,430 Good God, what is this? 175 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,466 Why would you do this? 176 00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:57,835 This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this. 177 00:06:57,919 --> 00:07:00,804 It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony. 178 00:07:00,889 --> 00:07:02,389 Paint over it! 179 00:07:02,457 --> 00:07:03,891 Or you pay for it. 180 00:07:03,958 --> 00:07:06,393 He's fair. 181 00:07:06,461 --> 00:07:07,728 - Who painted that? - Giancarlo. 182 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,430 Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. 183 00:07:09,481 --> 00:07:11,098 He used to wear a le... 184 00:07:11,149 --> 00:07:14,268 I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! 185 00:07:14,319 --> 00:07:15,802 Have fun, buddy. 186 00:07:15,854 --> 00:07:18,272 To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse, so just... 187 00:07:19,323 --> 00:07:20,607 Four people is fine. 188 00:07:20,658 --> 00:07:23,744 Just paint over the sex wall, and don't bother me any more. 189 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,979 - Hey, sir, wait. - Jess, let.. let him go. 190 00:07:26,731 --> 00:07:28,365 I just want to apologize on behalf 191 00:07:28,450 --> 00:07:30,534 of all of us for lying to you about how many people live here. 192 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:31,952 Stop reminding him. 193 00:07:32,003 --> 00:07:33,487 But while you're up here, might as well 194 00:07:33,538 --> 00:07:34,821 just fix a few things. 195 00:07:36,541 --> 00:07:37,975 Please... Remy? 196 00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:40,794 How did you know my name? They call you? 197 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:42,929 I saw your tattoo that says, 198 00:07:42,997 --> 00:07:44,498 "Hello, My Name is Remy," 199 00:07:44,549 --> 00:07:46,517 and I just... I took a leap of faith. 200 00:07:46,601 --> 00:07:48,001 Look, I know you're a good guy... 201 00:07:49,053 --> 00:07:50,854 Okay, what do you... what do you want fixed? 202 00:07:50,939 --> 00:07:52,672 Why don't you close your eyes and point at something? 203 00:07:53,224 --> 00:07:55,025 Her. Not you. 204 00:08:01,321 --> 00:08:02,121 Schmidt? 205 00:08:03,621 --> 00:08:04,405 Yeah. 206 00:08:04,406 --> 00:08:06,273 I need you to clean up my hard drive. 207 00:08:06,324 --> 00:08:08,743 - Okay, do you want me to reformat first? - I said, 208 00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:09,977 I need you... 209 00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:11,529 to clean up... 210 00:08:12,113 --> 00:08:13,664 my hard drive. 211 00:08:17,953 --> 00:08:19,620 I should have seen a divorce coming. 212 00:08:19,688 --> 00:08:22,490 You know, we stopped doing the little things, like 213 00:08:22,557 --> 00:08:23,924 talking. 214 00:08:23,992 --> 00:08:25,793 One day, we were humping. 215 00:08:25,844 --> 00:08:27,595 Then everything changed. 216 00:08:27,662 --> 00:08:29,597 We weren't humping. 217 00:08:29,664 --> 00:08:31,799 That must have been really hard. 218 00:08:31,850 --> 00:08:33,050 You know, it was what it was. 219 00:08:33,135 --> 00:08:34,268 Come on, Remy. 220 00:08:35,335 --> 00:08:36,170 It was hard. 221 00:08:36,221 --> 00:08:38,172 - It was hard. - Mm. 222 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,641 All right, give it a shot. 223 00:08:41,192 --> 00:08:41,859 Great. 224 00:08:43,228 --> 00:08:45,980 Okay. Oh. 225 00:08:46,031 --> 00:08:47,648 Here, I'll help... 226 00:08:48,199 --> 00:08:49,850 I'll brace you. Pull back. 227 00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,318 - Okay. - Use your hips. Come on. 228 00:08:51,369 --> 00:08:53,070 - Okay... - Oh! Oh, that's good. 229 00:08:53,155 --> 00:08:54,188 - That's it, is it? - Okay. 230 00:08:54,739 --> 00:08:55,656 That'll do it. 231 00:08:57,224 --> 00:08:58,159 Hey, Jess. 232 00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:00,127 Can I talk to you for a minute alone? 233 00:09:01,713 --> 00:09:03,881 So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? 234 00:09:03,965 --> 00:09:07,084 Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow. 235 00:09:07,169 --> 00:09:09,003 - That man wants to sleep with you. - No, he doesn't. 236 00:09:09,054 --> 00:09:10,504 - Yes, he does. - He was just showing me how to close a closet. 237 00:09:10,555 --> 00:09:12,756 Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something 238 00:09:12,841 --> 00:09:14,875 from behind, it's just an excuse 239 00:09:14,926 --> 00:09:17,044 for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. 240 00:09:17,095 --> 00:09:18,679 Watch any sports movie. 241 00:09:18,730 --> 00:09:20,231 - That is not a thing. - You mind picking up that mug? 242 00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:23,767 Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong. 243 00:09:23,852 --> 00:09:25,102 Here, let me show you. 244 00:09:25,187 --> 00:09:26,937 No, no, no. I've been doing this for years. 245 00:09:27,022 --> 00:09:28,555 See, the way to pick up a mug is like that. 246 00:09:28,607 --> 00:09:31,158 - You just got to relax into it. - He wasn't doing that! 247 00:09:31,226 --> 00:09:32,226 That's exactly what he was doing. 248 00:09:32,277 --> 00:09:33,911 You always see the worst in people! 249 00:09:33,995 --> 00:09:35,196 Yeah, because people are the worst! 250 00:09:35,263 --> 00:09:37,998 Oh, five bucks! 251 00:09:38,066 --> 00:09:39,867 Look out, college. Here I come! 252 00:09:41,503 --> 00:09:44,305 That's it. People stink! 253 00:09:44,372 --> 00:09:46,457 You must have been doing something. 254 00:09:46,541 --> 00:09:47,875 Are you seriously defending the man 255 00:09:47,926 --> 00:09:49,210 who pushed me into the bushes? 256 00:09:49,277 --> 00:09:50,794 Well, people can be good. 257 00:09:50,879 --> 00:09:52,329 You just have to give them a chance to show you. 258 00:09:53,397 --> 00:09:54,965 Hey, little girl. 259 00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:57,718 You like candy? 260 00:09:57,769 --> 00:09:59,753 I sure do! 261 00:09:59,804 --> 00:10:01,105 Great! 262 00:10:01,189 --> 00:10:02,273 My nana made way too much! 263 00:10:09,214 --> 00:10:11,265 Why can't you admit you were wrong? 264 00:10:11,316 --> 00:10:14,768 I was nice, and now he's fixing our apartment. 265 00:10:14,819 --> 00:10:16,270 I'm working up an appetite in there. 266 00:10:16,321 --> 00:10:18,105 Boy, I hope you don't mind 267 00:10:18,106 --> 00:10:20,708 the smell of a real man in your room. 268 00:10:20,775 --> 00:10:23,210 Let me know when you want to get started on that bed. 269 00:10:23,278 --> 00:10:24,795 Okay. 270 00:10:27,115 --> 00:10:28,782 He's turning my mattress. 271 00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:30,134 Yeah. 272 00:10:38,059 --> 00:10:41,228 This is so wonderful. 273 00:10:43,497 --> 00:10:44,815 Oh, come on. 274 00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,034 Don't you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like 275 00:10:47,102 --> 00:10:49,520 you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table. 276 00:10:49,604 --> 00:10:50,988 No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle. 277 00:10:51,072 --> 00:10:53,190 Jess loaned her seasickness bracelets. 278 00:10:53,275 --> 00:10:55,826 Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat. 279 00:10:55,911 --> 00:10:58,095 You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly? 280 00:10:58,163 --> 00:11:00,247 Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there. 281 00:11:00,315 --> 00:11:01,916 I know, he's in Rio till the 16th. 282 00:11:02,683 --> 00:11:03,701 Cece, 283 00:11:03,785 --> 00:11:05,836 can I talk to you, as a... 284 00:11:06,421 --> 00:11:07,538 as a woman? 285 00:11:09,541 --> 00:11:11,792 - All right, Schmidt. - Okay. 286 00:11:11,843 --> 00:11:14,661 My boss and I, we're running a Pre-Sex Marathon right now, 287 00:11:14,713 --> 00:11:17,298 and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25. 288 00:11:17,349 --> 00:11:19,433 I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, 289 00:11:19,434 --> 00:11:21,334 I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see 290 00:11:21,335 --> 00:11:23,053 the finish line, but I just can't get there. 291 00:11:23,054 --> 00:11:24,338 I need to put one of these on right now. 292 00:11:24,389 --> 00:11:26,006 The problem is is we don't talk. 293 00:11:26,057 --> 00:11:28,508 I don't know what she's thinking. 294 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,778 Should I make a move or not? 295 00:11:30,845 --> 00:11:32,679 Stop asking permission and go get it. 296 00:11:33,231 --> 00:11:34,365 That's what I would want. 297 00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:38,802 There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you. 298 00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:40,070 Nothing? I mean, what if 299 00:11:40,155 --> 00:11:42,072 I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? 300 00:11:42,157 --> 00:11:44,792 What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? 301 00:11:44,859 --> 00:11:46,160 What if I had a croissant blog? 302 00:11:46,211 --> 00:11:47,027 Two of these now. 303 00:11:48,913 --> 00:11:50,381 Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going? 304 00:11:50,465 --> 00:11:52,166 Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, 305 00:11:52,217 --> 00:11:54,468 because everything is easy... 306 00:11:54,535 --> 00:11:58,439 "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success." 307 00:11:58,506 --> 00:12:00,090 - What? - I have here 308 00:12:00,175 --> 00:12:02,843 Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007. 309 00:12:02,894 --> 00:12:04,812 - Oh, please, read on. - Read my favorite one. 310 00:12:04,879 --> 00:12:06,096 "Stop pursuing Caroline. 311 00:12:06,181 --> 00:12:07,765 "She's Nick's girl. 312 00:12:07,849 --> 00:12:09,233 - Deal with it. - "Deal with it." - Wow! 313 00:12:09,317 --> 00:12:10,651 - She's my girl. - Okay, where'd you find that? 314 00:12:10,718 --> 00:12:12,019 Do not ever stop reading this. 315 00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:14,238 I was very young. And drunk. 316 00:12:14,322 --> 00:12:17,241 - Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon..." - Cocoon. 317 00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:19,726 ...that will one day release your butterfly"? 318 00:12:19,778 --> 00:12:21,328 No, it does not say that one! 319 00:12:21,396 --> 00:12:22,913 - That's number three. - Come on! 320 00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:24,948 - Why are you doing this to me? - Maybe I just got 321 00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:27,901 bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. 322 00:12:27,952 --> 00:12:29,119 This is my favorite. 323 00:12:29,204 --> 00:12:31,121 "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, 324 00:12:31,706 --> 00:12:32,956 - and then steal it." - Oh! 325 00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:35,042 Steal his...! You were gonna steal my sparkle? 326 00:12:35,093 --> 00:12:36,427 Give me that. 327 00:12:36,511 --> 00:12:37,961 The funniest thing just happened. 328 00:12:38,046 --> 00:12:39,096 I was watching Remy fix 329 00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:41,915 the sink, and I got totally soaked. 330 00:12:41,966 --> 00:12:43,100 You were so wet! 331 00:12:43,184 --> 00:12:44,268 Man overboard! 332 00:12:44,352 --> 00:12:45,803 So I invited Remy over 333 00:12:45,887 --> 00:12:47,771 for dinner to thank him for all the stuff 334 00:12:47,856 --> 00:12:49,473 he's been doing around the apartment. Who's in? 335 00:12:49,557 --> 00:12:52,109 - I gotta... I... - I got a boat, so... 336 00:12:52,193 --> 00:12:55,863 So, I guess it'll just be me and Jess. 337 00:12:56,930 --> 00:12:58,399 Oh, no, Remy. 338 00:12:58,466 --> 00:13:00,034 I changed my mind; I'll be there. 339 00:13:00,601 --> 00:13:01,935 Just watching you. 340 00:13:06,794 --> 00:13:08,878 Remy brought a bottle of... 341 00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:10,931 this? 342 00:13:10,982 --> 00:13:13,016 I ferment things in the basement. 343 00:13:13,101 --> 00:13:14,485 I also make cheese. 344 00:13:14,569 --> 00:13:16,136 Hm, you're not drinking that, Jess. 345 00:13:16,187 --> 00:13:18,355 Yes, I am, Remy made it. 346 00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:22,142 Ahhh. 347 00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:23,610 - Think you can handle some, Nick? - Oh, I'm okay. 348 00:13:23,661 --> 00:13:25,662 Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later. 349 00:13:25,747 --> 00:13:27,281 Nick, be nice; How hard could it be 350 00:13:27,332 --> 00:13:28,916 to just open yourself up a little bit? 351 00:13:28,983 --> 00:13:30,000 Dip your toe 352 00:13:30,085 --> 00:13:31,368 in the pool of possibilities. 353 00:13:31,453 --> 00:13:32,286 Yeah, Nick. 354 00:13:32,337 --> 00:13:34,088 Dip your toe. 355 00:13:34,655 --> 00:13:36,123 You guys have a lot in common. 356 00:13:36,174 --> 00:13:37,991 Nick went through a break-up last year 357 00:13:38,059 --> 00:13:39,259 that was really hard on him. 358 00:13:39,327 --> 00:13:40,327 Schmidt said your mom had to fly out. 359 00:13:40,378 --> 00:13:41,879 That was a scheduled trip. 360 00:13:41,963 --> 00:13:45,132 Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months 361 00:13:45,183 --> 00:13:46,934 until they were too soaked through 362 00:13:47,001 --> 00:13:48,836 with your own sweat and tears? 363 00:13:49,403 --> 00:13:50,888 - No. - Did you punch out 364 00:13:50,972 --> 00:13:54,057 all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? 365 00:13:54,142 --> 00:13:57,227 Did you go out, looking for companionship, 366 00:13:57,312 --> 00:13:59,012 a little human warmth, 367 00:13:59,063 --> 00:14:02,015 only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood? 368 00:14:03,518 --> 00:14:05,402 In my own way. 369 00:14:05,487 --> 00:14:06,904 Come here, man. 370 00:14:10,524 --> 00:14:11,875 - It's gonna be okay. - Yeah. 371 00:14:14,913 --> 00:14:18,198 Well, I guess I'll just go home and open a bottle of wine. 372 00:14:21,285 --> 00:14:22,886 Yeah, I'll probably just do the same. 373 00:14:57,589 --> 00:14:58,922 I want you. 374 00:14:59,007 --> 00:15:00,007 Now. 375 00:15:00,074 --> 00:15:01,741 Finally. 376 00:15:11,886 --> 00:15:14,754 No, no, no, no, she wanted me to! Oh, dip! 377 00:15:14,806 --> 00:15:16,890 No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him! She wanted me to! Consensual, guys! 378 00:15:16,941 --> 00:15:18,225 Tap out, ow, tap out! 379 00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:23,063 Oh, man, tonight is just... 380 00:15:23,114 --> 00:15:27,100 I-I honestly didn't know if I'd ever enjoy myself again. 381 00:15:27,451 --> 00:15:30,237 So... thanks. 382 00:15:30,788 --> 00:15:31,538 Bathroom break. 383 00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:35,241 See? 384 00:15:35,292 --> 00:15:36,610 I was right. 385 00:15:36,661 --> 00:15:38,278 - What do you mean, you're right? - You're wrong. 386 00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:41,131 You see the way he's buttering me up so he can move in on you? 387 00:15:41,216 --> 00:15:43,083 Why can't you just admit that you were wrong? 388 00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:44,718 How have you lived this long on your own? 389 00:15:44,785 --> 00:15:46,837 There is no part of that man that wants to sleep with me. 390 00:15:46,921 --> 00:15:49,223 - He's been creeping on you all night. - No, he hasn't been. 391 00:15:49,290 --> 00:15:50,390 - Open your eyes, like, I'm worried... - No! 392 00:15:53,695 --> 00:15:56,647 Oh... 393 00:15:57,431 --> 00:15:59,766 Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants? 394 00:15:59,817 --> 00:16:02,202 I've never done a threesome. 395 00:16:02,770 --> 00:16:04,471 That's what we're doing here, right? 396 00:16:06,974 --> 00:16:09,576 This I did not expect. 397 00:16:12,286 --> 00:16:14,203 I love watching you be wrong, Jess. 398 00:16:14,254 --> 00:16:15,788 I might've been a little bit off about Remy, 399 00:16:16,373 --> 00:16:19,241 but people are generally good, and I'm not wrong about that. 400 00:16:19,292 --> 00:16:20,676 Jess, people are jerks. 401 00:16:20,743 --> 00:16:22,261 He is hurting from his divorce... 402 00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:24,380 Are you still making excuses for this guy? 403 00:16:24,431 --> 00:16:26,682 Well, look, if you feel so bad, then just get in there. 404 00:16:26,749 --> 00:16:30,719 Just dip your toe into the pool of possibility. 405 00:16:30,770 --> 00:16:33,138 Hey, Remy, let's get weird and toss 406 00:16:33,223 --> 00:16:35,224 that ball around, huh? 407 00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:38,093 - So turned on. - Okay, you would 408 00:16:38,144 --> 00:16:40,229 seriously have a threesome with that man 409 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,530 just to get me to admit that I'm wrong? 410 00:16:41,598 --> 00:16:43,148 I think we could do a lot worse than Remy. 411 00:16:43,233 --> 00:16:45,267 He's got strong arms. 412 00:16:50,156 --> 00:16:52,207 Let's have a threesome. 413 00:16:57,547 --> 00:16:59,114 Ugh... 414 00:17:01,918 --> 00:17:05,120 All right, so, a menage a trois is about 415 00:17:05,171 --> 00:17:07,573 - three of us... trois... - Sure. 416 00:17:07,641 --> 00:17:09,224 ...Menage-ing fully. 417 00:17:09,292 --> 00:17:10,142 - Oui. - Okay. 418 00:17:10,226 --> 00:17:13,228 This is happening with this guy. 419 00:17:13,296 --> 00:17:15,230 This is happening right now, Jess. 420 00:17:15,298 --> 00:17:16,515 - Yeah. - So, it's gonna get 421 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,300 even a little more uncomfortable. 422 00:17:18,351 --> 00:17:20,319 We just have to keep talking with each other, all right? 423 00:17:20,403 --> 00:17:22,187 Around and communicating. 424 00:17:22,272 --> 00:17:23,606 Let's get some relax music going. 425 00:17:23,657 --> 00:17:25,524 - Great idea, great idea. - Okay? All right. 426 00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,693 Thank you. Why can't you just admit that he's a good guy? 427 00:17:27,777 --> 00:17:30,079 We are about to have a menage a trois 'cause you won't admit 428 00:17:30,146 --> 00:17:31,580 - you're wrong. You're out of your mind. - I'm just saying he's a good guy. 429 00:17:31,648 --> 00:17:34,166 ♪ 430 00:17:34,250 --> 00:17:35,250 Yeah, get into it. 431 00:17:35,318 --> 00:17:36,835 I am so into this. 432 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,621 I can't wait till we're all menage-ing. 433 00:17:38,672 --> 00:17:40,822 - Are you into this, Jess? - Yeah. 434 00:17:40,874 --> 00:17:42,658 Say you're wrong. No, turn this up. It's great. 435 00:17:42,709 --> 00:17:44,760 Say it's over, and it's over. 436 00:17:44,827 --> 00:17:46,662 Don't get nervous, Nick. 437 00:17:46,713 --> 00:17:49,098 This is just a regular conversation we're having. 438 00:17:49,165 --> 00:17:50,499 - Oh, yeah. - Except I'm rubbing your back. 439 00:17:50,550 --> 00:17:52,217 - That's right. - And then I'm going to start 440 00:17:52,302 --> 00:17:54,436 unbuttoning your pants, 441 00:17:54,504 --> 00:17:56,355 and then I'm gonna 442 00:17:56,439 --> 00:17:58,223 unbutton my shirt. 443 00:17:58,308 --> 00:18:00,676 I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. 444 00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:02,511 Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on 445 00:18:02,562 --> 00:18:05,180 until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. 446 00:18:05,231 --> 00:18:07,232 Okay? Because you 447 00:18:07,317 --> 00:18:10,185 - are gonna be the underpants captain tonight. - Makes sense. 448 00:18:10,236 --> 00:18:12,020 Great choice, Remy. 449 00:18:12,072 --> 00:18:14,540 Nick will make a fantastic underpants captain. 450 00:18:14,624 --> 00:18:16,325 - Let's bring it in. - Okay. 451 00:18:16,376 --> 00:18:18,026 You two get us started. 452 00:18:18,078 --> 00:18:19,628 - Me and Jess get it started? - Yeah. 453 00:18:19,696 --> 00:18:21,081 - All right? - Us two... 454 00:18:21,196 --> 00:18:22,364 - Go ahead. - ...getting it started. 455 00:18:22,365 --> 00:18:23,532 You know what to do. 456 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,800 Breathe into each other. 457 00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:26,034 - Oh, yeah, Jess. - I'm not here. 458 00:18:26,086 --> 00:18:28,220 Relax into the menage. 459 00:18:28,304 --> 00:18:29,972 Let's get this started, Nick. 460 00:18:30,039 --> 00:18:31,173 - - You doing this? - Yes. - Come together. 461 00:18:31,224 --> 00:18:32,474 - Are you doing this? Cause I'm... - Yes. 462 00:18:32,542 --> 00:18:33,676 - I will do it. - All right, okay. 463 00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:34,727 - We're gonna do it. - Then let's do this. 464 00:18:34,811 --> 00:18:36,095 Nick, I will do this. 465 00:18:36,179 --> 00:18:37,312 Say that you're wrong, and it's over. 466 00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:38,397 - I'm not wrong. - Jess, you can't do this. 467 00:18:38,481 --> 00:18:40,315 - But I can. - Okay. 468 00:18:40,383 --> 00:18:41,483 Let's do this, Nick. 469 00:18:41,551 --> 00:18:42,601 - Let's do it, Jess. - I can do it. 470 00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:43,602 No, okay! 471 00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,404 Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong. 472 00:18:45,488 --> 00:18:47,489 Yes! Yes! 473 00:18:47,557 --> 00:18:48,907 I'm sorry, Remy. 474 00:18:49,492 --> 00:18:50,526 What, we're not doing this? 475 00:18:50,577 --> 00:18:51,827 - No. - We're not doing it. 476 00:18:51,895 --> 00:18:52,945 I get it, cold feet is just, you know, 477 00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:54,580 - it's part of the journey, so... - Whoa! 478 00:18:54,664 --> 00:18:56,281 What is going on in here? 479 00:18:57,366 --> 00:18:59,735 All right, I am not ready for a four-way. 480 00:18:59,786 --> 00:19:02,254 That's, uh, I'm-I'm... 481 00:19:02,338 --> 00:19:03,839 I'm out of this. 482 00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:09,128 To be honest, I'm kind of riding a weird ego high. 483 00:19:10,512 --> 00:19:11,480 Why didn't you tell me 484 00:19:11,548 --> 00:19:13,465 four people couldn't live in this apartment? 485 00:19:13,550 --> 00:19:16,602 If we're gonna do a shenanigan, I'm fine with doing shenanigans. 486 00:19:16,686 --> 00:19:17,970 I love shenanigans, 487 00:19:18,054 --> 00:19:19,321 as long as no one gets hurt. 488 00:19:21,357 --> 00:19:22,941 Okay, just so we're clear, 489 00:19:23,026 --> 00:19:24,426 we're gonna have to live with this, right? 490 00:19:24,477 --> 00:19:26,562 - Yep. - Absolutely. 491 00:19:27,513 --> 00:19:29,231 Hey, Kim? 492 00:19:29,282 --> 00:19:30,733 Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. 493 00:19:30,784 --> 00:19:33,552 I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just... 494 00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:36,405 I really don't want to lose my job, okay? 495 00:19:36,456 --> 00:19:38,791 I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years. 496 00:19:39,375 --> 00:19:41,777 Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat. 497 00:19:41,828 --> 00:19:43,162 Your lip is bleeding. 498 00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:44,946 It opens back up when I talk. 499 00:19:44,998 --> 00:19:48,784 Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. 500 00:19:48,835 --> 00:19:50,969 mistaken assault in the parking garage. 501 00:19:51,054 --> 00:19:53,088 I've had a thing for you every since I was 502 00:19:53,139 --> 00:19:54,757 the husky kid in the mailroom. 503 00:19:54,808 --> 00:19:57,126 And if... if you don't believe me... 504 00:19:57,193 --> 00:19:59,228 here you go. 505 00:19:59,295 --> 00:20:01,146 Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. 506 00:20:01,231 --> 00:20:02,765 It's about you. 507 00:20:02,816 --> 00:20:07,453 "Only think about hot new C.F.O. Every other time I masturbate." 508 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,605 I did not live up to the challenge. 509 00:20:09,656 --> 00:20:13,141 Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me" 510 00:20:13,193 --> 00:20:15,861 "Mr. Finish/Garee Time Jones/ 511 00:20:15,929 --> 00:20:18,363 - The Hook-up-erator." - Can I...? 512 00:20:18,448 --> 00:20:21,667 Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already." 513 00:20:21,751 --> 00:20:23,051 Okay, thank you. 514 00:20:24,954 --> 00:20:25,987 Hey. 515 00:20:27,339 --> 00:20:30,476 Go into the conference room and dial me into the Tokyo call. 516 00:20:30,543 --> 00:20:32,144 Now. 517 00:20:35,297 --> 00:20:36,832 Yeah. 518 00:20:36,883 --> 00:20:38,767 ♪ 519 00:20:49,512 --> 00:20:51,446 Pants! Pants! 520 00:21:15,972 --> 00:21:17,222 ...five, six... 521 00:21:17,307 --> 00:21:20,526 I dialed you into the Tokyo conference call. 522 00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:28,233 Yo... you look awesome. 523 00:21:32,071 --> 00:21:33,372 My door is always open. 524 00:21:35,956 --> 00:21:40,991 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com