1 00:00:01,063 --> 00:00:04,364 That's classic Nick Miller. Hey look, I'm holding your hand, and what? 2 00:00:04,491 --> 00:00:06,325 Yeah, I want to go out tonight. 3 00:00:06,393 --> 00:00:08,327 Ugh, couples! 4 00:00:08,395 --> 00:00:10,462 Boo. Hiss. 5 00:00:10,530 --> 00:00:12,898 Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, 6 00:00:12,965 --> 00:00:15,366 you die just a little bit. 7 00:00:15,434 --> 00:00:16,835 It's like a copy of a copy. 8 00:00:16,903 --> 00:00:19,070 But lucky us-- we get to go out looking for some strange. 9 00:00:19,138 --> 00:00:21,539 - Happy V-Day, player! - Holla! 10 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:23,974 Look, Jess, truth is, I don't go out on Valentine's Day. 11 00:00:24,043 --> 00:00:25,876 - What? - There's no thrill. 12 00:00:25,944 --> 00:00:28,446 You know, all these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women. 13 00:00:28,514 --> 00:00:30,881 I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. 14 00:00:30,949 --> 00:00:32,550 It's just not fair for everybody else. 15 00:00:32,617 --> 00:00:34,785 It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, 16 00:00:34,853 --> 00:00:37,021 and I... I need to go out, okay? 17 00:00:38,088 --> 00:00:39,356 We need to go out. 18 00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,491 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly. 19 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,427 - Twirly? - Twirly. 20 00:00:43,494 --> 00:00:46,096 - Is that like horny? - I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. 21 00:00:46,664 --> 00:00:50,867 Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world! 22 00:00:50,935 --> 00:00:53,603 # Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? # 23 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:56,853 1x13 - Valentine's Day - 24 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:58,741 So, we're doing this-- 25 00:00:58,809 --> 00:00:59,943 full-on Valentine's. 26 00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:01,811 What'd you do last year? 27 00:01:01,879 --> 00:01:03,378 I was fighting with Caroline. 28 00:01:03,446 --> 00:01:04,613 What were you fighting about? 29 00:01:04,681 --> 00:01:06,048 Oh, you know, the usual-- 30 00:01:06,115 --> 00:01:08,550 about how I make too much money and I dress too fancy 31 00:01:08,618 --> 00:01:10,185 and I'm too good at communicating my feelings. 32 00:01:10,252 --> 00:01:11,319 - Right. - Well, this year 33 00:01:11,387 --> 00:01:12,588 we're gonna make up for it. 34 00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,056 You and me are gonna do 35 00:01:14,123 --> 00:01:16,692 a real Valentine's Day date. 36 00:01:16,759 --> 00:01:18,893 I know. God, what's the plan? 37 00:01:18,961 --> 00:01:20,928 Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona. 38 00:01:20,996 --> 00:01:22,162 I can get that. 39 00:01:22,230 --> 00:01:23,230 And a container that you're 40 00:01:23,298 --> 00:01:24,398 comfortable getting urine in. 41 00:01:24,466 --> 00:01:25,901 Oh, I have one in my purse. 42 00:01:26,066 --> 00:01:26,901 You do? 43 00:01:26,969 --> 00:01:29,070 No. Bad idea. 44 00:01:29,137 --> 00:01:31,371 You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day, Winston. 45 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:33,608 Dude, I'm telling you, it's not a first date, man. 46 00:01:33,675 --> 00:01:35,575 We used to hook up all the time. 47 00:01:35,643 --> 00:01:38,177 You know, for two years I had her number stored in my phone as "Shretty," 48 00:01:38,245 --> 00:01:39,679 'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby." 49 00:01:39,747 --> 00:01:41,047 She just wanted a relaxed night in. 50 00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:43,016 It actually sounds kind of sexy. 51 00:01:43,084 --> 00:01:44,851 Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out, that's all. 52 00:01:44,919 --> 00:01:46,419 You know where that puts you in six months? 53 00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:47,954 Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD 54 00:01:48,022 --> 00:01:50,189 while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. 55 00:01:50,257 --> 00:01:52,324 And guess what? It's not complicated. 56 00:01:52,692 --> 00:01:53,692 It's about a bunch of rich white people 57 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:54,927 who are remodeling their kitchen. 58 00:01:54,995 --> 00:01:56,495 Are you sure you're really ready for that? 59 00:01:56,562 --> 00:01:57,863 Dude, it's gonna be great. 60 00:01:57,931 --> 00:01:59,564 What are you doing? 61 00:01:59,633 --> 00:02:00,866 I'm packing an overnight bag 62 00:02:00,934 --> 00:02:02,234 in case I have one-night sex. 63 00:02:02,301 --> 00:02:04,336 I've got a T-shirt, socks... 64 00:02:04,403 --> 00:02:05,470 Is this a sewing kit? 65 00:02:05,538 --> 00:02:06,771 Yes, it's a sewing kit. 66 00:02:06,839 --> 00:02:08,039 Stain remover. # Hello? # 67 00:02:08,107 --> 00:02:10,041 You don't have 68 00:02:10,109 --> 00:02:12,443 one-night stands-- you get way too attached. 69 00:02:12,511 --> 00:02:13,911 I mean, you could have an emotional connection 70 00:02:13,979 --> 00:02:15,312 with a shoe on the side of the road. 71 00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,515 Oh, one shoe? I hate that. 72 00:02:17,582 --> 00:02:18,850 Is this Schmidt's idea. 73 00:02:18,917 --> 00:02:20,051 It's my idea. 74 00:02:20,119 --> 00:02:22,886 I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... 75 00:02:22,954 --> 00:02:25,789 is all about what Little Jess wants. 76 00:02:26,924 --> 00:02:28,992 Little Jess. 77 00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:31,294 Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle 78 00:02:31,362 --> 00:02:32,696 and tell him to meet us at the bar, 79 00:02:32,764 --> 00:02:34,731 because I'm not leaving you alone like this... 80 00:02:34,799 --> 00:02:36,033 with all of that. 81 00:02:40,335 --> 00:02:41,336 I'm sorry, I don't know 82 00:02:41,404 --> 00:02:43,005 who's smelling what tonight. 83 00:02:43,573 --> 00:02:44,473 Excuse me, you know where 84 00:02:44,474 --> 00:02:45,574 Julia Cleary's office is? 85 00:02:45,642 --> 00:02:47,342 Uh, does she need to sign for something? 86 00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,011 Little late for a package, isn't it? 87 00:02:49,079 --> 00:02:50,479 Let me guess, your bike broke down. 88 00:02:50,547 --> 00:02:51,747 Fixed-gear, single-speed. 89 00:02:51,815 --> 00:02:53,215 I've been rocking a three-speed. 90 00:02:53,283 --> 00:02:54,583 No, I'm not a bike messenger. 91 00:02:54,651 --> 00:02:55,817 - Follow me. - Okay. 92 00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,085 She can get pretty cranky 93 00:02:57,153 --> 00:02:58,352 when she gets interrupted, 94 00:02:58,420 --> 00:03:00,789 but I'll tell you what, I would still hit that. 95 00:03:00,856 --> 00:03:02,523 I mean, despite the age difference, 96 00:03:02,691 --> 00:03:04,892 I would just take that to Pound Town. 97 00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:06,327 You know what I mean? 98 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,396 Just take her a visit to the boneyard. 99 00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:10,130 You know what I'm saying. 100 00:03:10,666 --> 00:03:11,699 Hey, Nick. 101 00:03:11,766 --> 00:03:12,866 That's my boyfriend, Nick. 102 00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:14,534 Hi. That's my little intern, Cliff. 103 00:03:14,802 --> 00:03:15,968 - Excuse me, Cliff. - What...? 104 00:03:16,036 --> 00:03:17,571 Could you get him a water? 105 00:03:17,638 --> 00:03:19,173 Thank you. 106 00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:20,740 Hey, Cliff. 107 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:22,976 Thanks, Cliff. 108 00:03:24,044 --> 00:03:26,113 Sorry it's such a mess in here. 109 00:03:26,181 --> 00:03:27,947 But... I went full out 110 00:03:28,015 --> 00:03:29,682 with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff. 111 00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:31,084 Are you ready for it? 112 00:03:31,151 --> 00:03:32,785 - What did you do? - Ha-ha! 113 00:03:32,853 --> 00:03:34,587 Heart boxers! These are the best! 114 00:03:34,654 --> 00:03:36,355 - Right? - I'm putting them on right now over my pants. 115 00:03:36,423 --> 00:03:39,491 - You can't stop me. - I don't want to stop you, because I... 116 00:03:39,559 --> 00:03:41,327 am gonna be rockin' this action. 117 00:03:42,894 --> 00:03:43,928 You were born to wear that thing. 118 00:03:43,995 --> 00:03:45,597 - We can never talk about any of this, to anybody. - Okay. 119 00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:47,365 - Can we go? - I have a little bit 120 00:03:47,433 --> 00:03:48,967 more work to do-- just, like, an hour. 121 00:03:53,072 --> 00:03:55,506 - Hey, babe. - Ooh, you brought wine. 122 00:03:55,574 --> 00:03:57,275 - Yeah. - Good. We're almost out. 123 00:03:57,343 --> 00:03:58,376 It's not the food! 124 00:03:58,444 --> 00:04:00,009 Come on in. Pick out a polish. 125 00:04:00,177 --> 00:04:02,346 He looks like a player. 126 00:04:02,913 --> 00:04:04,448 Ah. Never mind. 127 00:04:04,515 --> 00:04:06,784 I thought we said no guys. 128 00:04:07,352 --> 00:04:09,553 I am not touching his feet. 129 00:04:09,621 --> 00:04:11,055 - I'm not kidding you. - That's amazing. 130 00:04:11,123 --> 00:04:12,656 Where's what's his name? 131 00:04:12,724 --> 00:04:14,991 We are actually gonna meet up later, because... 132 00:04:15,859 --> 00:04:16,960 he's got a little surprise for me. 133 00:04:17,527 --> 00:04:18,962 Spoiler: it's his penis. 134 00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:20,596 Okay, stop. Enough. 135 00:04:20,664 --> 00:04:21,397 Pay attention. 136 00:04:21,465 --> 00:04:22,899 - You're from Oregon? - Yeah. 137 00:04:22,967 --> 00:04:24,700 - I'm from Oregon. - Oh, no. What? 138 00:04:24,769 --> 00:04:26,435 I mean, how often do you meet Oregonians? 139 00:04:26,503 --> 00:04:27,637 I don't know. 140 00:04:27,704 --> 00:04:28,772 Oh, could you hold on one second? 141 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:30,339 - Yeah. Sure. - Okay. 142 00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:33,375 Oh, my God, he's from Oregon; I'm from Oregon. 143 00:04:33,442 --> 00:04:34,777 - Bad idea. - No, you can't do this. 144 00:04:34,844 --> 00:04:35,710 - Horrible. - I'm sorry. 145 00:04:35,779 --> 00:04:36,879 You bonded emotionally. 146 00:04:36,946 --> 00:04:38,313 If you end up having sex with him, 147 00:04:38,381 --> 00:04:40,816 it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. 148 00:04:40,884 --> 00:04:43,018 - Look, that is not one-night-stand material. - You got to listen to him. 149 00:04:43,086 --> 00:04:44,686 He's right on this one. Sorry. 150 00:04:44,754 --> 00:04:45,954 I know what I'm talking about. 151 00:04:46,022 --> 00:04:47,454 I have my 10,000 hours. 152 00:04:48,022 --> 00:04:49,123 Outliers. You should read it. 153 00:04:49,191 --> 00:04:50,424 Malcolm Gladwell. 154 00:04:50,492 --> 00:04:51,926 It's one of my desert island books. 155 00:04:51,994 --> 00:04:53,961 Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, 156 00:04:54,029 --> 00:04:55,930 Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts 157 00:04:55,998 --> 00:04:57,731 from the first season of Vampire Diaries, 158 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,034 - a little Phantom T. - I love Phantom Tollbooth. 159 00:05:00,102 --> 00:05:02,770 Of course you do-- you're a human being. 160 00:05:02,837 --> 00:05:04,271 So no connection? 161 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,372 - Zero. - Sorry, babe. No. 162 00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:11,744 Good girl. 163 00:05:11,813 --> 00:05:13,613 # # 164 00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:18,351 Hey. 165 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,286 Could I have your cherry? 166 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:21,954 - Sure. - Cool. 167 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,792 Sorry. 168 00:05:39,438 --> 00:05:42,506 You okay, lady? 169 00:05:43,274 --> 00:05:44,375 Hmm. 170 00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:46,610 Schwing! 171 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,684 Hey, guys. Um... 172 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,019 this is Oliver. 173 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,220 Um, Oliver 174 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,122 - is a... - Web creator. 175 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,657 Web creator. 176 00:05:58,724 --> 00:06:00,859 Uh, also, we both 177 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,326 - love... lunch. - Lunch. 178 00:06:02,894 --> 00:06:03,727 Love lunch. 179 00:06:03,795 --> 00:06:05,296 - You're kidding. - Wow, what a coincidence. 180 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:06,730 When people talk about 181 00:06:06,798 --> 00:06:08,666 breakfast being the most important meal of the day, 182 00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:10,201 - I'm, like... - What... 183 00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:11,468 - what?! - Is that?! 184 00:06:11,536 --> 00:06:13,571 What about lunch, man? 185 00:06:17,308 --> 00:06:18,308 You want another drink? 186 00:06:18,376 --> 00:06:19,509 If I didn't know ya better, 187 00:06:19,578 --> 00:06:20,510 I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up! 188 00:06:21,579 --> 00:06:22,846 Why are you talking like that? 189 00:06:22,914 --> 00:06:24,514 Oh, Oliver... 190 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:27,083 we have nothing in common. 191 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:34,323 Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all. 192 00:06:34,391 --> 00:06:37,093 But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt. 193 00:06:38,562 --> 00:06:40,096 So, what about you? 194 00:06:40,163 --> 00:06:41,263 What about that redhead over there? 195 00:06:41,331 --> 00:06:42,431 I thought you totally had that. 196 00:06:42,499 --> 00:06:44,199 Oh, that's in process. 197 00:06:44,266 --> 00:06:46,401 This is where I do this kind of, like, look thing, 198 00:06:46,469 --> 00:06:48,770 where, like, my confusion makes her confused... 199 00:06:49,338 --> 00:06:50,472 and, then, also kind of hot. 200 00:06:52,039 --> 00:06:53,241 Let me help you. 201 00:06:54,710 --> 00:06:56,344 I'm gonna make her jealous. 202 00:06:56,412 --> 00:06:58,013 All right, can you... can you stop? 203 00:06:58,081 --> 00:07:01,348 Cece, you are way too beautiful. 204 00:07:01,416 --> 00:07:03,317 She'll think she doesn't have a shot with me. 205 00:07:03,384 --> 00:07:04,852 Can you stop looking at me like that, please? 206 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,854 What look? I'm not even looking at you. 207 00:07:06,922 --> 00:07:09,090 The pouty one, the naughty baby Indian. 208 00:07:09,157 --> 00:07:11,558 I just ate something spicy, and now my lip is swollen. Mm-hmm. 209 00:07:11,627 --> 00:07:13,560 Baby! Hi! 210 00:07:13,629 --> 00:07:15,595 Hey! 211 00:07:15,663 --> 00:07:17,430 All right, just get in there, man. 212 00:07:18,198 --> 00:07:19,032 Clean it all out. 213 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,266 Like a dentist. 214 00:07:20,334 --> 00:07:21,400 Hey! 215 00:07:21,468 --> 00:07:23,169 - Hey-hey-hey-hey! - Wow! 216 00:07:23,237 --> 00:07:24,370 Look, look. 217 00:07:24,438 --> 00:07:25,672 Surprise! 218 00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:27,206 'Shrooms. 219 00:07:27,274 --> 00:07:29,275 - Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have. - I ate three. 220 00:07:29,343 --> 00:07:30,876 I ate three. Three. 221 00:07:31,044 --> 00:07:32,210 On a pizza! 222 00:07:32,278 --> 00:07:33,411 Look at you, man. 223 00:07:33,479 --> 00:07:34,647 You're a champion. 224 00:07:34,714 --> 00:07:37,116 Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause he's about to get real handsy 225 00:07:37,183 --> 00:07:38,550 and a little racist. 226 00:07:38,618 --> 00:07:40,585 So, you'll watch Jess? 227 00:07:40,654 --> 00:07:42,021 Yeah, yeah, I will. 228 00:07:42,088 --> 00:07:43,522 Okay. Let's go, Kyle. 229 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:44,890 Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty. 230 00:07:44,958 --> 00:07:47,725 Hey, um, so, I'm gonna go home with Oliver. 231 00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,727 Great! I'm so happy... 232 00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:51,262 Hey, three words: 233 00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:52,730 Double bag it. 234 00:07:52,798 --> 00:07:54,766 I got that covered. Um... 235 00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:56,300 These guys... 236 00:07:56,368 --> 00:07:58,636 - hundy bag, so... - A hundred condoms? 237 00:07:58,704 --> 00:08:01,005 - What, are you gonna have sex with an army? - # Oh, I'm gonna # 238 00:08:01,073 --> 00:08:02,939 - # Get up in it, mon. # - That's the biggest box of condoms 239 00:08:03,007 --> 00:08:04,107 I've ever seen, honestly. 240 00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:05,475 Does it have, like, a roller? 241 00:08:05,543 --> 00:08:07,477 Like, you know, you go through the airport with it? 242 00:08:07,545 --> 00:08:09,279 I'm gonna rip him a new one. 243 00:08:09,346 --> 00:08:10,246 Very intimidating. 244 00:08:10,314 --> 00:08:11,682 A normal man 245 00:08:11,749 --> 00:08:13,416 can go maybe three times in a night, 246 00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:14,818 depending on how much salmon he's had. 247 00:08:14,886 --> 00:08:17,420 He's literally the most boring person I've ever met. 248 00:08:17,488 --> 00:08:19,889 He's described every lunch he's had this week, 249 00:08:19,956 --> 00:08:22,058 and three of them were tacos. 250 00:08:22,125 --> 00:08:24,193 - My work here is done. - Not really. 251 00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:25,695 Little favor. He doesn't have 252 00:08:25,762 --> 00:08:28,230 a car, I don't have a car, 'cause I came with you, so I... 253 00:08:28,298 --> 00:08:29,364 No, no, no, no. 254 00:08:29,432 --> 00:08:31,433 No. No. 255 00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:33,936 One of the tacos had extra cheese, 256 00:08:34,004 --> 00:08:36,404 and the other one had avocados. 257 00:08:36,471 --> 00:08:37,672 And cheese. 258 00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:39,640 And cheese, actually. 259 00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:43,712 Well, I guess 260 00:08:43,779 --> 00:08:45,379 it's time to take that Chinese head 261 00:08:45,447 --> 00:08:47,481 out of that Chinese ass, Ming. 262 00:08:47,549 --> 00:08:49,050 That's so sweet. 263 00:08:49,118 --> 00:08:51,151 - I love that. Thank you. - Hey, I pushed 264 00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:53,253 - the reservation to 8:30. - Okay, I just need 265 00:08:53,321 --> 00:08:54,454 40 to 50 more minutes, okay? 266 00:08:54,522 --> 00:08:55,689 - I'm sorry. - No, no, no. 267 00:08:55,757 --> 00:08:57,891 Hey, Confucius say: 268 00:08:57,959 --> 00:09:00,660 "You work for me." 269 00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:07,433 What, Winston? 270 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:08,701 Hey, man, look, I'm sorry 271 00:09:08,769 --> 00:09:09,936 to call you-- I know you're at dinner. 272 00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:11,237 No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually 273 00:09:11,304 --> 00:09:12,538 hanging out with a guy named Cliff. 274 00:09:12,606 --> 00:09:13,573 Are we hanging out? 275 00:09:14,106 --> 00:09:15,173 That's awesome. 276 00:09:15,242 --> 00:09:16,442 Listen here, man, I'm at Shelby's house. 277 00:09:16,443 --> 00:09:17,743 And there's two other girls here. 278 00:09:17,744 --> 00:09:18,977 They're drinking cranberry juice, talking about 279 00:09:19,045 --> 00:09:20,613 Michelle Obama's upper-body workout. 280 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,248 I got a nose strip on my face, man. 281 00:09:22,315 --> 00:09:23,481 - So leave. - It's just that... 282 00:09:23,549 --> 00:09:25,516 I really enjoy being around this girl. 283 00:09:25,584 --> 00:09:27,085 All right, so stay. 284 00:09:27,153 --> 00:09:28,720 You know what, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna... 285 00:09:32,224 --> 00:09:33,824 Can I ask you something? 286 00:09:33,892 --> 00:09:34,760 With her, the... 287 00:09:35,527 --> 00:09:37,428 is it... is it gentle, 288 00:09:37,496 --> 00:09:40,697 or is it... not so gentle? 289 00:09:41,466 --> 00:09:43,333 You know what I mean? 290 00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:47,471 - Yeah, I'm gonna act like you didn't just say that, Cliff. - Fair enough. 291 00:09:47,538 --> 00:09:49,206 Yeah, Ming, I got your text. 292 00:09:49,274 --> 00:09:51,341 What-what part of that did you not understand? 293 00:09:51,409 --> 00:09:53,010 Do you want some champagne, Cliff? 294 00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:04,821 What is that? 295 00:10:04,889 --> 00:10:05,922 Is he injured? 296 00:10:06,490 --> 00:10:07,223 No, I think... 297 00:10:07,791 --> 00:10:08,691 Pause. Pause. 298 00:10:08,759 --> 00:10:10,859 Why are you pausing? 299 00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:12,460 Bathroom break. 300 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,862 It's right in the middle of the movie. 301 00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:15,063 What are... What's wrong with him? 302 00:10:15,131 --> 00:10:16,731 Why are you still here? 303 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:17,866 You don't have a car, he doesn't 304 00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,101 have a car; How you gonna get home? 305 00:10:19,169 --> 00:10:21,469 I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt. 306 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,138 It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? 307 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,040 There are youths everywhere. 308 00:10:25,108 --> 00:10:27,474 Youths? Are you Officer Krupke? 309 00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:28,276 Would you st... 310 00:10:28,343 --> 00:10:30,211 Damn it. 311 00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:32,180 It's Cece. Hello? 312 00:10:32,247 --> 00:10:34,882 Why are you crashing Jess's one-night stand? 313 00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:36,217 Well, he asked me if I wanted to watch Planet of the Apes. 314 00:10:36,285 --> 00:10:38,452 - I didn't know he meant right now. - Ugh. 315 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,121 - What's wrong with you? - Hate you. Tell him to leave. 316 00:10:40,189 --> 00:10:41,755 Get out of there, Schmidt. 317 00:10:41,824 --> 00:10:43,356 Leave your car there, 318 00:10:43,424 --> 00:10:44,624 and I'll come get you, okay? 319 00:10:44,692 --> 00:10:45,959 What is going on over there? 320 00:10:46,027 --> 00:10:47,294 Where are you; where's Kyle? 321 00:10:47,361 --> 00:10:49,062 I'm at a playground. 322 00:10:49,130 --> 00:10:50,330 Kyle's shrooming. 323 00:10:50,397 --> 00:10:51,464 Woo-woo. 324 00:10:51,532 --> 00:10:52,699 I'll see you guys later. 325 00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:56,136 I love brown people! 326 00:10:56,204 --> 00:10:58,071 That's racist, Kyle. 327 00:10:58,639 --> 00:10:59,538 Excuse me. 328 00:11:00,105 --> 00:11:01,072 Back to the movie. 329 00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:03,642 Ready? 330 00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:05,110 - Yeah. - Yeah. 331 00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:09,648 These monkeys look so real. 332 00:11:09,716 --> 00:11:10,716 Apes. 333 00:11:10,783 --> 00:11:11,683 They're apes. 334 00:11:11,751 --> 00:11:13,785 Oh... you're one of those. 335 00:11:13,854 --> 00:11:15,053 - Get out. - Like there's a real difference? 336 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,421 - Get out now! - All right. 337 00:11:25,831 --> 00:11:27,765 Youths! 338 00:11:27,833 --> 00:11:29,067 You know what, Cliff? 339 00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:31,468 I'm sorry, I'm just feeling very romantic, 340 00:11:31,569 --> 00:11:33,237 and I have nowhere else to put it, 341 00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:34,838 so happy Valentine's Day, good looking. 342 00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:36,439 - You know what? - What? 343 00:11:36,507 --> 00:11:37,741 Put it right here. 344 00:11:37,808 --> 00:11:40,310 'Cause I-I like it. 345 00:11:40,378 --> 00:11:42,512 So how did you get that far into law school 346 00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:43,813 and then drop out? 347 00:11:43,882 --> 00:11:46,149 Well, I got my heart broken. 348 00:11:46,217 --> 00:11:48,450 - Yeah. - And then everything got weird. 349 00:11:48,518 --> 00:11:51,587 - I started playing guitar in an alt-country-ska band. - Sure. 350 00:11:52,154 --> 00:11:53,389 - Gambling a lot. - Yeah. 351 00:11:53,456 --> 00:11:56,225 There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig 352 00:11:56,293 --> 00:11:58,160 and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson. 353 00:11:58,228 --> 00:12:00,562 I have never loved anyone that much. 354 00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:02,831 Then I drove to Mexico, and I tried to enter a cockfight. 355 00:12:02,899 --> 00:12:03,999 As a person? 356 00:12:04,566 --> 00:12:06,134 Yes, Cliff, as a person. 357 00:12:07,002 --> 00:12:08,002 Come on! 358 00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:09,371 Get me out of here! 359 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,739 Help! Help! 360 00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:14,776 I've had a tough couple of days, Freddie. 361 00:12:14,843 --> 00:12:17,145 The point of the story is I looked around at my life 362 00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:19,646 and I realized that I didn't want to work for somebody else 363 00:12:20,214 --> 00:12:21,481 my whole life. 364 00:12:21,549 --> 00:12:23,483 That is exactly how I feel, man. 365 00:12:23,551 --> 00:12:25,485 Yeah, but the second half of that story 366 00:12:25,553 --> 00:12:27,221 is how I went broke and started working 367 00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:28,255 for somebody else my whole life. 368 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:30,857 Okay, what was that? 369 00:12:30,926 --> 00:12:31,992 I don't want to be a lawyer. 370 00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:33,027 I don't want to do this. 371 00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:34,594 Don't do this. Not tonight. 372 00:12:34,662 --> 00:12:36,495 - I'm leaving. I'm leaving tonight. - Oh, Cliff. 373 00:12:36,563 --> 00:12:38,898 Look what I found under a pile of depositions. 374 00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:39,865 I'm quitting! 375 00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:41,034 What? 376 00:12:41,101 --> 00:12:42,335 Nick convinced me that I can't waste 377 00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:43,636 my life doing your stapling any more. 378 00:12:43,703 --> 00:12:45,638 I never said anything like that, Julia. 379 00:12:45,705 --> 00:12:47,941 Not doing it any more. I'm not working 380 00:12:48,008 --> 00:12:49,008 all night on Valentine's Day. 381 00:12:49,076 --> 00:12:50,509 I'm just gonna get in my car, 382 00:12:50,577 --> 00:12:53,511 and I'm just gonna drive until I see the sun. 383 00:12:53,579 --> 00:12:55,247 'Cause it's got to be shining somewhere. 384 00:12:55,315 --> 00:12:57,182 And for once in my life, 385 00:12:57,250 --> 00:12:58,951 - I'm gonna spend some time with my birds. - With you birds? 386 00:12:59,018 --> 00:13:00,419 Woo! No, Cliff! 387 00:13:00,486 --> 00:13:02,554 We're gonna start paying you so soon! 388 00:13:04,757 --> 00:13:06,791 Julia, I am so sorry. 389 00:13:06,859 --> 00:13:08,225 I just told him a story 390 00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:09,994 about when I got arrested in Mexico. 391 00:13:10,062 --> 00:13:11,895 - You got arrested in Mexico? - I wasn't gonna 392 00:13:11,964 --> 00:13:13,464 tell you until after you got knocked up 393 00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:14,798 and were stuck with me. 394 00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,767 - Now I got to do all this stuff. - I know. 395 00:13:16,835 --> 00:13:17,701 I'm sorry. 396 00:13:17,769 --> 00:13:19,303 Just go home, Nick. 397 00:13:19,371 --> 00:13:21,272 - Sorry. - I'll call you tomorrow. 398 00:13:22,974 --> 00:13:24,240 No! 399 00:13:26,809 --> 00:13:27,677 What? 400 00:13:27,744 --> 00:13:28,845 Are you kidding me? 401 00:13:28,912 --> 00:13:30,813 Hey, baby. 402 00:13:30,881 --> 00:13:32,382 Uh, this is my ex, Amy. 403 00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:33,516 We broke up last week. 404 00:13:33,584 --> 00:13:34,951 She can't afford to move out 405 00:13:35,019 --> 00:13:36,453 - 'cause she doesn't work. - What? 406 00:13:37,421 --> 00:13:39,254 Hey, so how was your night? 407 00:13:39,322 --> 00:13:41,723 Are you serious right now, Oliver? 408 00:13:41,791 --> 00:13:43,292 - Yeah. - Um, hey. 409 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:44,526 I'm Jess. 410 00:13:46,461 --> 00:13:47,462 Hey. 411 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:48,930 Who is she? 412 00:13:49,699 --> 00:13:51,033 What are you doing here, Cece? 413 00:13:51,101 --> 00:13:53,068 Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt. 414 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,870 Schmidt left, like, an hour ago. 415 00:13:55,437 --> 00:13:56,604 No, no, I didn't. 416 00:13:56,671 --> 00:13:57,872 Are you kidding me? 417 00:13:57,939 --> 00:14:00,608 My tires were stolen by street youths. 418 00:14:00,675 --> 00:14:01,509 Ugh! 419 00:14:03,412 --> 00:14:04,545 Hey, did I pee my pants? 420 00:14:04,613 --> 00:14:06,214 Friends, did I pee in my pants? 421 00:14:06,281 --> 00:14:08,082 - Guys? - No, Kyle, you're just on drugs. 422 00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:09,283 He definitely peed, I can see. 423 00:14:09,351 --> 00:14:11,118 See! See! 424 00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:12,685 Who's the idiot now? 425 00:14:12,753 --> 00:14:14,521 Okay, all of you, get out of here. 426 00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:16,556 - I peed my pants. - We got to get out of... oh. 427 00:14:16,624 --> 00:14:17,657 - Mmm. - Mmm. 428 00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:18,558 This guy's like a magician. 429 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:20,660 How does it feel, 430 00:14:20,728 --> 00:14:22,195 Oliver? 431 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,631 Okay, uh, Kyle, 432 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,766 I'm the one you're gonna sleep with tonight, 433 00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:27,400 so we got to... 434 00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:30,836 What are you gonna do now? 435 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:34,840 Okay, okay. 436 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,042 Okay. 437 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,676 - My man! - Get out of my house! 438 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,947 - I will murder you! - Bye! 439 00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,450 - What? - Hey, Kyle. Hey. 440 00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:46,651 It's a stick. 441 00:14:46,718 --> 00:14:47,818 Go get it. 442 00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:49,020 Ooh, shiny! 443 00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:51,455 Whoo. 444 00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:53,224 What does a girl got to do 445 00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,826 to get a one-night stand around here? 446 00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:58,530 Sorry. 447 00:15:00,978 --> 00:15:03,278 This sangria is amazing, Winston. 448 00:15:03,446 --> 00:15:05,380 My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take 449 00:15:05,448 --> 00:15:06,681 credit for that. 450 00:15:07,549 --> 00:15:08,417 But seriously, Tia, 451 00:15:08,484 --> 00:15:11,352 you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you. 452 00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:13,054 - I keep trying to tell her that. - It's true. 453 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,155 You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. 454 00:15:15,223 --> 00:15:15,823 Boom. 455 00:15:15,890 --> 00:15:17,224 - Wow. - Hmm. 456 00:15:33,239 --> 00:15:35,240 Hey, are you gonna be done soon? 457 00:15:35,308 --> 00:15:36,442 Maybe. 458 00:15:40,681 --> 00:15:42,247 She can't keep eating tacos all night. 459 00:15:42,315 --> 00:15:43,715 Yeah. 460 00:15:43,783 --> 00:15:45,550 Because I ate most of the tacos yesterday. 461 00:15:45,618 --> 00:15:48,186 You know what? 462 00:15:48,253 --> 00:15:49,087 I can't do this. 463 00:15:49,154 --> 00:15:50,855 You're a really great guy, 464 00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:52,356 and, um, I-I 465 00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:54,559 I mean, I don't know that, um, 466 00:15:54,627 --> 00:15:58,296 but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet. 467 00:15:59,063 --> 00:16:00,631 I'm looking pretty good right now. 468 00:16:00,699 --> 00:16:02,666 It's just so hard, you know? 469 00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:06,003 I feel so alone sometimes. 470 00:16:07,472 --> 00:16:09,673 And I lied to you. 471 00:16:09,741 --> 00:16:12,476 I'm not a Web creator. 472 00:16:12,543 --> 00:16:14,311 I'm not a player. 473 00:16:21,085 --> 00:16:23,419 - I miss her so much. - Oh, 474 00:16:23,487 --> 00:16:25,354 she's in... she's just in the kitchen. 475 00:16:25,422 --> 00:16:26,689 Baby! 476 00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:28,324 Can you make me a smoothie? 477 00:16:33,696 --> 00:16:35,097 You know, just making copies. 478 00:16:35,165 --> 00:16:36,499 Did you do all of this? 479 00:16:36,566 --> 00:16:37,699 - I did. - No. 480 00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:39,201 - Yeah. - Really? 481 00:16:39,269 --> 00:16:41,504 And I just want you to know that there's a photocopy 482 00:16:41,571 --> 00:16:43,606 of my butt somewhere in your recycling bin. 483 00:16:43,673 --> 00:16:44,973 Okay. 484 00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:47,208 I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it. 485 00:16:47,276 --> 00:16:48,676 Okay, and if anyone finds it, 486 00:16:48,744 --> 00:16:50,945 I want them to know that I moved during the copy, 487 00:16:51,013 --> 00:16:53,147 and I don't actually have two butt cracks. 488 00:16:53,214 --> 00:16:54,248 I know. 489 00:16:55,484 --> 00:16:56,851 What? 490 00:16:56,918 --> 00:16:59,954 I've never ever cared 491 00:17:00,022 --> 00:17:01,589 about Valentine's Day before. 492 00:17:01,657 --> 00:17:03,457 Neither have I. 493 00:17:03,525 --> 00:17:04,724 But it's nice. 494 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,326 - Yeah. - Right? 495 00:17:11,932 --> 00:17:14,168 You did all the work wrong, though. 496 00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:15,602 Yeah, I know I did. 497 00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:16,903 That's okay. 498 00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:27,380 I'm sorry. 499 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,114 No, no, no, do what you got to do. 500 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,517 Hi, Ming. 501 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,385 Yeah, I got your text. 502 00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:34,619 And yeah, it was wrong 503 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,754 just like every single other text you've sent me tonight. 504 00:17:37,822 --> 00:17:38,955 Call I call you tomorrow? 505 00:17:39,023 --> 00:17:40,925 - Yeah, it's fine, go. - I'm sorry. 506 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:42,694 Are you really... 507 00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:44,095 Are you arguing with me about that? 508 00:17:44,863 --> 00:17:46,831 Are you actually arguing with me about that? 509 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,966 - Bye. - Bye, girl, thank you. 510 00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:50,867 Bye. 511 00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:51,968 Bye, Shel. 512 00:17:54,238 --> 00:17:55,172 That was fun. 513 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,940 Any time. 514 00:17:58,008 --> 00:17:58,709 So, 515 00:17:58,776 --> 00:18:00,043 you weren't expecting 516 00:18:00,111 --> 00:18:01,144 a girls' night, were you? 517 00:18:02,313 --> 00:18:03,313 Not really. 518 00:18:03,380 --> 00:18:04,081 You know, 519 00:18:04,148 --> 00:18:05,249 Tia needed some tough love. 520 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,321 You keep doing it. 521 00:18:12,088 --> 00:18:12,922 What? 522 00:18:13,689 --> 00:18:15,991 Making up for how you used to be. 523 00:18:17,994 --> 00:18:19,061 You don't remember? 524 00:18:19,129 --> 00:18:21,731 Valentine's Day, 2008? 525 00:18:21,798 --> 00:18:23,432 You said you'd call. 526 00:18:23,499 --> 00:18:24,666 You didn't. 527 00:18:28,804 --> 00:18:30,004 Um... 528 00:18:30,772 --> 00:18:32,774 I waited all night. 529 00:18:35,511 --> 00:18:38,912 Okay, I don't deserve a second chance with you, do I? 530 00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:41,282 But here you are. 531 00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:43,618 Getting one. 532 00:18:53,628 --> 00:18:54,494 - Oh. - Hey. 533 00:18:54,562 --> 00:18:56,763 - Hey, what are you doing home so soon? - Well, 534 00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:59,132 I helped him get back together with his ex-girlfriend. 535 00:18:59,199 --> 00:19:00,667 He made me video-chat 536 00:19:00,735 --> 00:19:02,569 with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes, 537 00:19:02,637 --> 00:19:04,971 and then, um, I came home, so... 538 00:19:05,038 --> 00:19:06,573 Jess, you don't your first one-night stand 539 00:19:06,641 --> 00:19:08,141 to be with some total stranger. 540 00:19:08,208 --> 00:19:09,776 You got to pick someone who you know, 541 00:19:09,843 --> 00:19:11,744 who's not gonna make a big deal out of the whole thing. 542 00:19:11,811 --> 00:19:14,212 - Hmm. - You have an urge, you act on it. 543 00:19:15,281 --> 00:19:15,748 And... 544 00:19:15,815 --> 00:19:17,215 whatever you do, 545 00:19:17,284 --> 00:19:20,085 leave immediately afterwards. 546 00:19:20,153 --> 00:19:22,588 God help you if you get sucked into a brunch. 547 00:19:22,656 --> 00:19:25,457 - Thanks, Schmidt. - Come here. 548 00:19:27,025 --> 00:19:27,925 You smell good. 549 00:19:27,993 --> 00:19:30,261 It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree. 550 00:19:35,199 --> 00:19:36,133 Don't over think it. 551 00:19:36,201 --> 00:19:37,335 Okay. 552 00:19:47,244 --> 00:19:48,445 Don't over think it. 553 00:19:48,513 --> 00:19:50,847 Don't over... 554 00:19:50,915 --> 00:19:53,149 Don't over think it. 555 00:20:06,530 --> 00:20:07,763 Schmidt? 556 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:08,864 Hey, Jess, what are you doing? 557 00:20:13,869 --> 00:20:14,769 I was asking Schmidt a question. 558 00:20:14,837 --> 00:20:16,204 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What? 559 00:20:17,271 --> 00:20:17,706 Were you...? 560 00:20:17,773 --> 00:20:19,474 - What? No. - ...with Schmidt? 561 00:20:19,542 --> 00:20:21,142 No! No. 562 00:20:21,210 --> 00:20:22,210 I was holding those, 563 00:20:22,277 --> 00:20:24,312 but I... 564 00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:25,747 Oh, my God. 565 00:20:25,815 --> 00:20:27,615 - What has gotten into you? - No. No. 566 00:20:27,683 --> 00:20:29,451 - And why do you have so many condoms? - Shh! Don't ever... 567 00:20:29,518 --> 00:20:30,684 Shh! Don't ever speak of this again. 568 00:20:30,752 --> 00:20:31,719 You need one. 569 00:20:31,786 --> 00:20:33,520 Tops, two. Let's go. 570 00:20:33,588 --> 00:20:35,356 - We'll get these later. - I was feeling twirly. 571 00:20:35,423 --> 00:20:36,523 - Nick, Nick... - No! 572 00:20:36,591 --> 00:20:38,726 You're not having sex with Schmidt. 573 00:20:38,793 --> 00:20:40,661 This is a danger zone for you. 574 00:20:41,229 --> 00:20:42,329 What is happening out there? 575 00:20:42,796 --> 00:20:43,731 Stop, do not move, okay? 576 00:20:43,798 --> 00:20:45,466 - What? Why...? - Because if somebody catches us, I'm gonna say 577 00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:47,600 that you drugged me, and it's my word against yours. 578 00:20:47,668 --> 00:20:48,668 - Okay? - Okay, yeah. 579 00:20:48,736 --> 00:20:50,903 That-that's fine, that makes sense. 580 00:20:51,671 --> 00:20:53,205 You smell so good right now. 581 00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,556 You are not gonna believe the stupid thing 582 00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:01,290 I almost did last night. 583 00:21:01,358 --> 00:21:02,893 Tell me. 584 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,396 Okay, but have to promise never to tell anyone, ever. 585 00:21:06,463 --> 00:21:07,730 Of course, out with it. 586 00:21:07,797 --> 00:21:09,698 Tell me. 587 00:21:09,766 --> 00:21:12,100 Okay, I almost tried 588 00:21:12,168 --> 00:21:14,770 to hook up with Schmidt 589 00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,304 last night. 590 00:21:22,811 --> 00:21:24,446 That would have been crazy. 591 00:21:25,014 --> 00:21:26,314 I know! 592 00:21:26,382 --> 00:21:28,383 Can you imagine? Ugh. 593 00:21:28,951 --> 00:21:30,218 I cannot. 594 00:21:31,219 --> 00:21:32,218 I got to go, okay? 595 00:21:32,919 --> 00:21:33,918 Bye.