1
00:00:02,058 --> 00:00:03,125
Oh! Oh!

2
00:00:08,232 --> 00:00:09,198
L'Chaim.

3
00:00:09,956 --> 00:00:11,295
To humping.

4
00:00:12,502 --> 00:00:13,637
I was like a river.

5
00:00:13,721 --> 00:00:15,221
Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you

6
00:00:15,289 --> 00:00:17,424
along with the
current of my body?

7
00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,309
You were like a canoe
on my body river.

8
00:00:20,828 --> 00:00:22,812
Like you'd ever be
seaworthy with those breasts.

9
00:00:24,081 --> 00:00:24,998
Boobies.

10
00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:27,134
I wish there was
a word that meant

11
00:00:27,218 --> 00:00:30,387
complete satisfaction
and complete self-loathing.

12
00:00:30,454 --> 00:00:33,390
I've never seen a woman bite
her own shoulder before.

13
00:00:34,543 --> 00:00:35,678
That was the last time.

14
00:00:35,927 --> 00:00:37,293
You said that twice last night.

15
00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:38,762
You'll be back.

16
00:00:38,813 --> 00:00:40,180
I'm like your
black tar heroin.

17
00:00:40,264 --> 00:00:42,833
You just need that sweet taste
in your veins.

18
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:45,635
Schmidttle and
the damage done.

19
00:00:46,319 --> 00:00:47,454
Neil Young, yo.

20
00:00:50,347 --> 00:00:53,132
Just get me out of here
without someone seeing.

21
00:00:56,176 --> 00:00:57,259
<i>Schmidt?</i>

22
00:01:01,682 --> 00:01:03,067
Oh,

23
00:01:03,853 --> 00:01:05,205
did you have a
sexual guest?

24
00:01:05,289 --> 00:01:06,540
- What?
- Was it

25
00:01:06,624 --> 00:01:08,008
the same girl
from the other night?

26
00:01:09,006 --> 00:01:10,090
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- It is!

27
00:01:10,177 --> 00:01:12,593
Oh, my God. You slept with the same
girl twice in a row?

28
00:01:12,597 --> 00:01:15,048
Was it a mistake? Was she
wearing some kind of disguise?

29
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:18,467
Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with
the same girl twice in a row.

30
00:01:18,518 --> 00:01:19,519
I owe you five dollars.

31
00:01:19,604 --> 00:01:22,439
You know, I thought I heard
the door open at 3:00 a.m.

32
00:01:22,506 --> 00:01:24,507
Those are the sounds
of true love.

33
00:01:24,559 --> 00:01:26,393
- Bet she had the time of her life.
- What happened?

34
00:01:26,977 --> 00:01:27,961
Did I miss her?

35
00:01:28,128 --> 00:01:29,145
- You did.
- Man, I love meeting

36
00:01:29,146 --> 00:01:30,063
the girls you bring home.

37
00:01:30,148 --> 00:01:31,281
I like to pretend
like I'm your lover

38
00:01:31,348 --> 00:01:33,683
on the down-low,
Theodore K. Mullins.

39
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:36,686
Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?

40
00:01:37,237 --> 00:01:38,354
Where we shave each other?

41
00:01:38,906 --> 00:01:39,689
I've always

42
00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:41,992
loved you,
you're my boo.

43
00:01:42,043 --> 00:01:43,160
Theodore K. Mullins
is not my type, man.

44
00:01:43,227 --> 00:01:44,661
So, you gonna
three-peat this ho?

45
00:01:44,712 --> 00:01:46,480
Who is this bitch?
We want to meet her.

46
00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:49,232
I'm not gonna parade her
around like some trophy.

47
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:51,468
You know me,
I'm not that kind of guy.

48
00:01:52,536 --> 00:01:53,637
Oh!

49
00:01:53,704 --> 00:01:55,538
Schmidt told me this
was the front door?

50
00:01:57,658 --> 00:01:59,342
What's wrong with her?
Does she have a hunchback?

51
00:01:59,393 --> 00:02:00,143
Dwarf parts?

52
00:02:00,211 --> 00:02:01,061
Lovitz body?

53
00:02:01,145 --> 00:02:04,431
She happens to be
an incredibly beautiful woman.

54
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:05,765
She another one
of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?

55
00:02:05,850 --> 00:02:07,717
- How big are her knuckles?
- Butter body?

56
00:02:07,768 --> 00:02:10,237
She has a Hitler moustache.

57
00:02:12,723 --> 00:02:13,940
I'm sorry, just,

58
00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:16,026
like, I want to banter
with you guys in the morning.

59
00:02:16,077 --> 00:02:17,694
I just, like, panicked,
and I made a Hitler joke.

60
00:02:17,745 --> 00:02:18,662
I'm sorry.

61
00:02:18,729 --> 00:02:21,748
# Hey, girl #

62
00:02:21,832 --> 00:02:23,833
# What you doing? #

63
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:26,920
# Hey, girl #

64
00:02:27,504 --> 00:02:29,956
# Where you going? #

65
00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:32,342
# Who's that girl? #
# <i>Who's that girl?</i> #

66
00:02:32,409 --> 00:02:34,044
# Who's that girl? #

67
00:02:34,095 --> 00:02:36,346
# <i>Who's that girl?</i> #
# It's Jess. #

68
00:02:36,347 --> 00:02:40,766
1x14 
<i>- Bully -</i>

69
00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:44,554
Your science projects
are looking great, you guys.

70
00:02:45,005 --> 00:02:46,589
Love the potato battery, Harper.

71
00:02:47,140 --> 00:02:48,224
- Good job.
- Thanks.

72
00:02:48,275 --> 00:02:49,943
Luke, I like your tree exhibit.

73
00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:51,928
Might want to think
about changing the name.

74
00:02:51,979 --> 00:02:53,063
- Okay?
- Okay.

75
00:02:54,114 --> 00:02:55,098
Whoa.

76
00:02:55,515 --> 00:02:56,650
You built a robotic arm.

77
00:02:57,034 --> 00:02:58,401
I think we know who's gonna win.

78
00:02:58,752 --> 00:03:00,453
Anyone can still win, Brianna.

79
00:03:01,038 --> 00:03:02,405
Even me, Miss Day?

80
00:03:03,706 --> 00:03:04,457
Yes.

81
00:03:05,710 --> 00:03:07,944
Okay, lunchtime.

82
00:03:17,254 --> 00:03:18,088
Can I have lunch in here?

83
00:03:18,139 --> 00:03:19,956
Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?

84
00:03:20,007 --> 00:03:21,474
In the cafeteria,

85
00:03:21,559 --> 00:03:23,843
kids have started playing
this game, coin slot.

86
00:03:24,678 --> 00:03:26,412
They put pennies
in my butt crack.

87
00:03:27,431 --> 00:03:29,065
I made 46 cents.

88
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,967
No, no, no,
you earned that.

89
00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:33,970
Um,

90
00:03:34,521 --> 00:03:35,988
Nathaniel,
I'm gonna help you out.

91
00:03:39,109 --> 00:03:40,560
Julia sent me a cactus.

92
00:03:41,996 --> 00:03:43,280
She's on a business trip
to China,

93
00:03:43,347 --> 00:03:45,198
and she sent it to me
out of the blue.

94
00:03:48,734 --> 00:03:49,736
I'm not an idiot.

95
00:03:50,237 --> 00:03:51,821
She's gonna break up with me.

96
00:03:51,872 --> 00:03:53,757
Who told you that?

97
00:03:54,474 --> 00:03:55,842
Did the cactus tell you that?

98
00:03:56,310 --> 00:03:58,094
Is this one of those
fortune-telling cactuses...

99
00:03:58,162 --> 00:04:00,430
Winston, think.
She's gonna break up with me.

100
00:04:00,497 --> 00:04:02,832
She doesn't think I can
take care of a regular plant.

101
00:04:03,633 --> 00:04:04,734
Well, you can't.

102
00:04:12,276 --> 00:04:14,444
Any idiot can take care
of a cactus, Winston.

103
00:04:14,512 --> 00:04:15,612
She thinks I'm an idiot.

104
00:04:16,179 --> 00:04:17,147
Why are you watering a cactus?

105
00:04:17,198 --> 00:04:18,198
Because I'm an idiot.

106
00:04:18,282 --> 00:04:20,367
Julia sent him a cactus,

107
00:04:20,451 --> 00:04:21,484
which means
she's gonna break up with him.

108
00:04:23,237 --> 00:04:24,354
Hm.

109
00:04:24,405 --> 00:04:26,156
I'm sorry, I thought
that was a joke

110
00:04:26,207 --> 00:04:28,124
because otherwise that would
be totally stupid and insane.

111
00:04:28,692 --> 00:04:29,793
Snap out of it, son.

112
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:30,994
Jess, you don't get it.

113
00:04:31,045 --> 00:04:33,880
This cactus is like a symbol

114
00:04:33,964 --> 00:04:35,749
of my relationship with her.

115
00:04:35,833 --> 00:04:37,300
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

116
00:04:41,254 --> 00:04:42,472
I'm not gonna quit on this.

117
00:04:43,039 --> 00:04:44,240
I'm gonna get her back.

118
00:04:47,177 --> 00:04:48,061
There it is.

119
00:04:48,145 --> 00:04:49,479
Look at that.

120
00:04:49,546 --> 00:04:52,315
Not bad, just fix red eye,
red eye,

121
00:04:52,883 --> 00:04:53,900
red eye.

122
00:04:54,484 --> 00:04:55,718
Send.

123
00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:57,387
Hello?

124
00:04:57,438 --> 00:04:58,554
Where are you?

125
00:04:58,606 --> 00:05:00,390
Oh, hey, Cecilia,

126
00:05:00,941 --> 00:05:03,193
Did you get my junk mail?

127
00:05:03,244 --> 00:05:04,994
I'm in front of your loft.

128
00:05:05,062 --> 00:05:07,180
I know I said that last time
was the last time,

129
00:05:07,248 --> 00:05:10,233
but... you want to come down?

130
00:05:10,301 --> 00:05:12,369
Yeah, I want to co...

131
00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:13,753
Yeah, I'll come down,
that sounds good.

132
00:05:14,338 --> 00:05:15,304
All right.

133
00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:19,759
So, I think I changed
a life today, you guys.

134
00:05:19,844 --> 00:05:21,678
I pulled a Gandhi,
a real Gandhi.

135
00:05:21,745 --> 00:05:23,430
There's a student of mine,

136
00:05:23,514 --> 00:05:25,248
he's been bullied for
the past few months,

137
00:05:25,299 --> 00:05:27,050
so after warning the kids
that there would be

138
00:05:27,101 --> 00:05:29,252
serious repercussions
if this continued,

139
00:05:29,303 --> 00:05:32,055
I delivered a lesson
in the key of learning.

140
00:05:33,307 --> 00:05:35,859
Learning minor.

141
00:05:39,363 --> 00:05:42,565
# He's a plump bird who prefers
the shelter of a hole #

142
00:05:45,069 --> 00:05:46,986
# He has a stubby beak #

143
00:05:47,071 --> 00:05:48,788
# And a nervous soul #

144
00:05:50,607 --> 00:05:52,509
# Because being chased #

145
00:05:52,576 --> 00:05:54,210
# By predators takes its toll #

146
00:05:56,613 --> 00:06:00,884
# Let the sad sparrow
fly on... #

147
00:06:01,451 --> 00:06:03,837
You think singing a song
about a kid

148
00:06:03,921 --> 00:06:06,222
is gonna stop him
from getting his ass kicked?

149
00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:09,175
I know 12-year-olds are vicious,
vengeful creatures.

150
00:06:09,260 --> 00:06:10,627
Middle-school girls

151
00:06:10,694 --> 00:06:12,479
literally scalp each other.

152
00:06:12,563 --> 00:06:14,814
I spent most of sixth grade
with a bald spot on my head.

153
00:06:15,399 --> 00:06:16,299
- What?
- But don't tell me

154
00:06:16,350 --> 00:06:17,600
music can't make a difference,

155
00:06:18,068 --> 00:06:18,768
'cause it can.

156
00:06:18,819 --> 00:06:20,303
Those kids were videotaping me

157
00:06:20,354 --> 00:06:21,521
- on their cell phones.
- Right.

158
00:06:21,605 --> 00:06:22,822
I think these kids
are gonna really

159
00:06:22,907 --> 00:06:24,307
- remember that.
- Yeah, um,

160
00:06:24,358 --> 00:06:25,641
- You know, this day.
- What's the song called?

161
00:06:25,693 --> 00:06:27,327
Um, "Sad Sparrow"

162
00:06:27,411 --> 00:06:30,330
"(Imagine A World Without Bullies)" why?

163
00:06:30,414 --> 00:06:32,165
This is why.

164
00:06:32,249 --> 00:06:35,117
# He's not smartest bird
or the most pretty #

165
00:06:37,838 --> 00:06:38,638
# He spreads disease #
What?

166
00:06:38,722 --> 00:06:41,758
# Throughout the city #

167
00:06:41,826 --> 00:06:44,394
Well, at least the bully's not
making fun of that kid any more.

168
00:06:44,462 --> 00:06:45,862
They're making fun of me.

169
00:06:51,318 --> 00:06:52,802
The hawk just took
a little poop on you.

170
00:06:52,853 --> 00:06:54,320
I'm not proud of myself
for saying this,

171
00:06:54,405 --> 00:06:55,989
but it's a really funny video.

172
00:06:56,073 --> 00:07:00,810
# Sad sparrow fly on... #

173
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:07,620
Why can't we just go upstairs
for a little Schmidt and Spin?

174
00:07:07,673 --> 00:07:09,640
You just said that everybody's
upstairs in the living room.

175
00:07:09,725 --> 00:07:10,958
Okay, fine, what
about your place?

176
00:07:11,009 --> 00:07:12,310
My place is not
an option right now.

177
00:07:12,394 --> 00:07:13,928
All the models are there.

178
00:07:13,979 --> 00:07:15,763
It's 12 models in two rooms.

179
00:07:15,814 --> 00:07:17,298
It's like a room full
of hungry Russians.

180
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,517
Uh, yes, please,
let's go there.

181
00:07:19,601 --> 00:07:22,019
What about just a little good,
old-fashioned car sex?

182
00:07:22,104 --> 00:07:23,571
I can't do any
of my moves in there.

183
00:07:23,638 --> 00:07:25,323
I like to improvise
with my body.

184
00:07:25,407 --> 00:07:26,908
I'm like a sexual snowflake.

185
00:07:26,975 --> 00:07:29,360
Each night with me is a
unique experience, Cece.

186
00:07:29,445 --> 00:07:31,645
Okay, are we gonna do this,
or not?

187
00:07:31,697 --> 00:07:34,165
'Cause I kind of need this
to happen right now, okay?

188
00:07:34,249 --> 00:07:35,950
Isn't there, like,
a Starbucks bathroom around here

189
00:07:36,001 --> 00:07:37,335
or something we could use?

190
00:07:37,419 --> 00:07:39,687
What do I look like,
a Gypsy courtesan?

191
00:07:39,755 --> 00:07:41,172
So, how hard are
you gonna drop

192
00:07:41,256 --> 00:07:42,924
the hammer on the kid
who did this?

193
00:07:42,991 --> 00:07:45,460
I'm gonna find this kid,
and I'm just gonna...

194
00:07:45,511 --> 00:07:47,094
open up a dialogue.

195
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:48,513
Not gonna work.

196
00:07:48,597 --> 00:07:49,847
Take it from me,
I used to be a bully.

197
00:07:50,632 --> 00:07:51,665
Ow!

198
00:07:52,217 --> 00:07:53,584
Brown lightning!

199
00:07:53,652 --> 00:07:55,937
Wow, you had a catchphrase?
Yeah.

200
00:07:56,004 --> 00:07:57,188
You got to hit them
where it hurts.

201
00:07:57,256 --> 00:07:58,172
Thank you, Winston,

202
00:07:58,223 --> 00:07:59,340
but I have a different approach.

203
00:08:00,091 --> 00:08:01,125
Jerk-sica?

204
00:08:01,809 --> 00:08:03,311
My last name rhymes
with "gay,"

205
00:08:03,862 --> 00:08:06,614
and the best thing
you can think of is Jerk-sica?

206
00:08:07,382 --> 00:08:08,348
Reason.

207
00:08:11,018 --> 00:08:12,119
Hey, Schmidt.

208
00:08:12,186 --> 00:08:14,538
Oh, there is?
Thank you.

209
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,357
He says we should look
out the window.

210
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:17,792
There's a crescent moon
out tonight.

211
00:08:17,859 --> 00:08:18,743
Oh, dip, seriously?

212
00:08:26,335 --> 00:08:28,336
Why do we care
about a crescent moon?

213
00:08:29,687 --> 00:08:30,638
I don't know.

214
00:08:31,906 --> 00:08:34,058
I'm gonna live
up there someday.

215
00:08:36,261 --> 00:08:38,563
Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?

216
00:08:38,630 --> 00:08:40,231
Hope you're having
a great time in Beijing.

217
00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:41,816
I miss you;
I can't wait to see you.

218
00:08:41,883 --> 00:08:42,817
I got the cactus.

219
00:08:42,884 --> 00:08:44,852
Thank you so much.

220
00:08:44,903 --> 00:08:46,437
I'm taking great care of it.

221
00:08:46,522 --> 00:08:47,738
Yeah, things are doing
good here.

222
00:08:47,823 --> 00:08:49,907
Everything's really cool,
just...

223
00:08:50,992 --> 00:08:53,578
taking names, kicking butt,
you know, all that.

224
00:08:53,662 --> 00:08:55,029
So, great,
I'll see you Wednesday.

225
00:08:55,580 --> 00:08:57,081
You're the best around.

226
00:08:57,665 --> 00:08:59,033
Nope, that's not gonna
be the one.

227
00:08:59,084 --> 00:09:01,919
Hey, Julia, just calling back
to say that I get it.

228
00:09:02,004 --> 00:09:03,170
Message received.

229
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:04,989
I'm the cactus.

230
00:09:05,057 --> 00:09:06,207
If you put me in the desert,

231
00:09:06,258 --> 00:09:07,542
I'll grow some needles, too.

232
00:09:07,593 --> 00:09:08,742
You bet I would.

233
00:09:09,294 --> 00:09:10,344
You bet
I would.

234
00:09:10,912 --> 00:09:12,263
FYI, I'm not high right now.

235
00:09:12,331 --> 00:09:14,015
Julia!

236
00:09:14,782 --> 00:09:15,349
Julia!

237
00:09:15,417 --> 00:09:17,218
Call me back.

238
00:09:17,269 --> 00:09:18,936
Call me back, Julia.

239
00:09:19,021 --> 00:09:20,805
Julia, it's Nick.

240
00:09:20,889 --> 00:09:23,391
I'm sorry, I just realized
about the time difference.

241
00:09:23,442 --> 00:09:24,925
So, if you get this one first,

242
00:09:24,977 --> 00:09:27,061
could you please just delete
the other ones?

243
00:09:27,112 --> 00:09:28,279
I love you.

244
00:09:28,363 --> 00:09:30,314
What did I jus...?

245
00:09:32,050 --> 00:09:33,334
I don't hear anyone out there.

246
00:09:33,402 --> 00:09:34,635
I think I'm safe.

247
00:09:34,703 --> 00:09:36,537
And I-I want you to know,

248
00:09:36,605 --> 00:09:38,205
that was the last time, okay?

249
00:09:39,023 --> 00:09:39,991
This is over.

250
00:09:40,575 --> 00:09:42,209
But we haven't even gotten
to the cheese course.

251
00:09:42,777 --> 00:09:45,263
A little sharp
aged cheddar? Mm-hmm.

252
00:09:45,330 --> 00:09:47,315
Manchego?

253
00:09:47,382 --> 00:09:49,150
Maybe some buttery Gruyere?

254
00:09:49,217 --> 00:09:50,918
You sure you want
to miss out?

255
00:09:50,969 --> 00:09:52,386
I just want to...

256
00:09:52,454 --> 00:09:54,788
slowly peel the wax
off your Babybels.

257
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,758
What are you even saying?

258
00:09:57,826 --> 00:09:59,627
How about a little
stinky Taleggio?

259
00:09:59,678 --> 00:10:01,479
Why is this working?

260
00:10:01,563 --> 00:10:03,848
I am so turned on
right now.

261
00:10:03,932 --> 00:10:05,483
Or maybe some
cream cheese?

262
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:06,984
Want some schmear, Cece?

263
00:10:07,752 --> 00:10:08,469
You know what?

264
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,637
Cece, you should go.

265
00:10:09,688 --> 00:10:11,105
Because if you have the strength

266
00:10:11,156 --> 00:10:13,157
to turn all this down,

267
00:10:14,741 --> 00:10:15,576
do it.

268
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:19,313
Yeah, I'm good.

269
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:26,987
Hi. Who do I speak to
re: getting something removed

270
00:10:26,988 --> 00:10:28,489
from the Internet?

271
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:29,757
Yeah, I can hold.

272
00:10:34,346 --> 00:10:35,696
Want to party with Havarti?

273
00:10:36,764 --> 00:10:37,632
Fine.

274
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:39,934
Give me the damn cheese.

275
00:10:50,728 --> 00:10:51,746
So, Brianna,

276
00:10:51,813 --> 00:10:53,197
I saw the robot arm

277
00:10:53,281 --> 00:10:54,482
in the user profile,

278
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:56,050
so I know you
made that video.

279
00:10:56,118 --> 00:10:57,902
So I thought we could sit
and talk for a minute.

280
00:11:02,324 --> 00:11:04,191
Look, Brianna, I know
you're better than this.

281
00:11:05,243 --> 00:11:06,694
Can we talk about you
for a few minutes?

282
00:11:08,245 --> 00:11:09,964
Can we talk about you instead?

283
00:11:10,031 --> 00:11:11,749
I'm an open book;
Ask me anything.

284
00:11:11,833 --> 00:11:13,000
How come you don't have
a boyfriend?

285
00:11:14,068 --> 00:11:15,553
And why did Mr. Genzlinger
dump you?

286
00:11:16,137 --> 00:11:18,172
And is it true that
your boyfriend before that

287
00:11:18,223 --> 00:11:18,889
cheated on you?

288
00:11:19,457 --> 00:11:20,391
Are you barren, Miss Day?

289
00:11:20,475 --> 00:11:22,610
And why is your voice
so deep like a man's?

290
00:11:22,678 --> 00:11:24,395
- It's no... it's not.
- Your happiness

291
00:11:24,479 --> 00:11:25,763
seems like a mask.

292
00:11:27,097 --> 00:11:27,881
Well, I better go.

293
00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:41,579
What have I done?

294
00:11:45,526 --> 00:11:47,542
<i>Julia! So glad you're home!</i>

295
00:11:47,724 --> 00:11:48,860
Hey.

296
00:11:49,573 --> 00:11:50,317
Are you okay?

297
00:11:50,387 --> 00:11:51,888
Yes, I'm okay;
Welcome back.

298
00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:53,740
- Are you sure?
- Did you listen to all the messages?

299
00:11:53,785 --> 00:11:55,451
- I did.
- You did? That sucks.

300
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:56,764
You know, I really
didn't mean anything.

301
00:11:56,886 --> 00:11:58,257
- I know.
- I-I didn't.

302
00:11:58,326 --> 00:11:59,526
Look, I got in
my head, Julia,

303
00:11:59,687 --> 00:12:01,387
I thought you sent
me this cactus

304
00:12:01,472 --> 00:12:02,939
because you were
trying to tell me

305
00:12:03,006 --> 00:12:04,707
that I can't take care
of a normal plant.

306
00:12:04,775 --> 00:12:07,227
Which, when I think about
it, I probably can't.

307
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,045
Plants freak me out.

308
00:12:09,113 --> 00:12:11,314
I'm way better with
babies, actually.

309
00:12:11,365 --> 00:12:12,316
Hmm.

310
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:13,616
Not that I want to have, like,

311
00:12:13,684 --> 00:12:15,017
a baby with you,
like, right now.

312
00:12:15,069 --> 00:12:16,619
- I can see us having babies.
- Please, can we not...

313
00:12:16,687 --> 00:12:18,571
- I know, that's not what I mean to say.
- No, come on...

314
00:12:18,656 --> 00:12:20,373
- I'm getting weird again. What I mean
to say, - No, Nick, I need to say...

315
00:12:20,458 --> 00:12:21,658
Julia, please, I overreacted.

316
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,626
I think we should break up.

317
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:31,568
I do. I mean, I didn't realize it
when I sent it...

318
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:35,338
but then after listening
to the seven...

319
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:36,756
Yeah, I know.

320
00:12:36,841 --> 00:12:38,174
...Seven, Nick,

321
00:12:38,242 --> 00:12:39,676
- Seven, yeah.
- Separate voice mails

322
00:12:39,727 --> 00:12:41,394
about the meaning
behind the cactus,

323
00:12:41,979 --> 00:12:45,181
I don't know, it really
just clicked in for me,

324
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,717
and I just, I don't think
that we should do this any more.

325
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,319
I'm really sorry.

326
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,912
So I was right
about the cactus.

327
00:13:01,131 --> 00:13:03,900
Okay, what kind of crazy person
destroys a child's robot?

328
00:13:03,968 --> 00:13:06,419
Can you bring me, like, a bunch
of Phillips head screwdrivers

329
00:13:06,504 --> 00:13:10,673
and, like, a Crescent wrench
and, like, other tool things?

330
00:13:10,741 --> 00:13:11,925
What if I'm busy?

331
00:13:14,428 --> 00:13:15,495
Thank you, Winston.

332
00:13:15,563 --> 00:13:17,030
I really needed that.

333
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,565
It's been a really hard week.

334
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:20,216
Hey, man,
I'm going to the beach

335
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,569
to watch the sun go down,
'cause I love sunsets.

336
00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:24,053
Did you know that about me?

337
00:13:24,621 --> 00:13:26,439
What the hell is wrong with you?

338
00:13:26,524 --> 00:13:30,643
Oh, Julia dumped me,
so sad face.

339
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,363
Hey, do you want
to come with me to the beach?

340
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:34,814
'Cause I feel great,
I'm ready to rock,

341
00:13:34,899 --> 00:13:36,265
but I really don't
want to be alone.

342
00:13:38,768 --> 00:13:39,569
Scissors?

343
00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:42,121
How am I supposed to fix
a robot arm with scissors?

344
00:13:42,206 --> 00:13:43,072
Those are my
good scissors.

345
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,274
Why do you have good scissors?

346
00:13:44,325 --> 00:13:47,877
You know, the news
only focuses on what goes wrong.

347
00:13:47,945 --> 00:13:49,412
Never talks about
what goes right.

348
00:13:49,463 --> 00:13:50,630
Evolution.

349
00:13:50,714 --> 00:13:51,631
- That's it. Come here.
- You know?

350
00:13:51,715 --> 00:13:53,166
Yeah, exactly.

351
00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:55,585
I'm gonna kill him.
Can you get him out of here?

352
00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:58,471
Hey, guys, you guys want
to watch <i>The Piano</i> later?

353
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,391
Here?

354
00:14:01,458 --> 00:14:03,292
You want to do it here?

355
00:14:03,344 --> 00:14:05,428
Okay... all right.
What's the scenario?

356
00:14:05,479 --> 00:14:07,897
We enter separately,
pretending to be strangers

357
00:14:07,965 --> 00:14:09,432
meeting in the bathroom.

358
00:14:09,483 --> 00:14:11,568
You want me on the can,
off the can?

359
00:14:11,635 --> 00:14:12,986
No, I just, I
just need to

360
00:14:13,070 --> 00:14:14,354
pop in this party
for, like, 20 minutes.

361
00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:15,521
When I come back,
we'll have sex.

362
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:17,073
Okay, yeah, let's do it.

363
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,858
Oh, no. Um, I'm going
in there alone.

364
00:14:18,943 --> 00:14:21,110
Well, what am I supposed to do?

365
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,195
I'll crack a window for you.

366
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,530
Crack a window for me?

367
00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:26,032
- Yeah.
- What am I, your sex dog?

368
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,951
What... what if I have to go
to the bathroom?

369
00:14:28,018 --> 00:14:29,752
Why don't you just
give me a chew toy.

370
00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:31,921
Come on, Schmidt, stop
being such a big baby.

371
00:14:32,489 --> 00:14:34,691
Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?

372
00:14:34,758 --> 00:14:36,626
Yes. Absolutely.

373
00:14:36,677 --> 00:14:39,212
100%. I'm 100%
ashamed of you.

374
00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,514
What-what a revelation.

375
00:14:41,599 --> 00:14:44,333
Okay, come on, Schmidt, I
can't be the first woman

376
00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:45,868
who's ashamed
to be with you.

377
00:14:46,936 --> 00:14:49,389
Okay, look,
I won't go into your party,

378
00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:51,157
if...

379
00:14:51,225 --> 00:14:53,776
if you go to breakfast
with me tomorrow.

380
00:14:53,844 --> 00:14:55,445
In public.

381
00:14:56,512 --> 00:14:57,430
Yeah, okay.

382
00:14:57,498 --> 00:14:58,481
Oh, really?

383
00:14:58,549 --> 00:14:59,816
Really.

384
00:14:59,867 --> 00:15:01,200
I mean, I can
survive breakfast.

385
00:15:03,529 --> 00:15:05,038
I'll be back soon.

386
00:15:06,457 --> 00:15:08,124
Hey, Wendy.
How's it going?

387
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:23,556
I hope it works.

388
00:15:23,641 --> 00:15:25,541
I didn't get a chance
to test it.

389
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,593
Even broken, it's
still got a shot at top prize.

390
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:29,262
I mean, have you seen
some of this crap?

391
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,397
"What can old
people do?"

392
00:15:31,482 --> 00:15:33,399
"Does it taste better
with hot sauce?"

393
00:15:33,484 --> 00:15:34,684
My friends.

394
00:15:34,735 --> 00:15:35,902
Guess what I
just learned.

395
00:15:35,986 --> 00:15:37,236
What's inside of a pumpkin.

396
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,388
Apparently, a lot.

397
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:40,573
I didn't know.

398
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,576
Whoa!

399
00:15:44,161 --> 00:15:45,745
Winston, you have to
get him out of here.

400
00:15:45,829 --> 00:15:47,246
You see him, he's
about to blow.

401
00:15:47,331 --> 00:15:48,414
I'm not having him
by himself right now.

402
00:15:48,499 --> 00:15:49,615
There's Brianna.

403
00:15:52,903 --> 00:15:54,403
Hi, Brianna.

404
00:15:54,455 --> 00:15:56,539
You must be
Brianna's moms.

405
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:57,740
I'm Miss Day.

406
00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,042
Right. The singer.

407
00:15:59,093 --> 00:16:00,576
You're the one
who sings.

408
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,129
This is Brianna's project,
a robotic arm.

409
00:16:03,197 --> 00:16:04,597
Start it up, Brianna.

410
00:16:11,488 --> 00:16:14,023
And a project bursts
into flames.

411
00:16:14,091 --> 00:16:16,059
Brianna, what happened?

412
00:16:16,110 --> 00:16:17,927
Someone must have
sabotaged it.

413
00:16:19,596 --> 00:16:21,948
Bet it was Nathaniel.

414
00:16:22,032 --> 00:16:24,150
Hey! Get my scissors
out of your mouth!

415
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,434
What is wrong
with you?!

416
00:16:27,071 --> 00:16:28,404
He's been creating problems
for our daughter.

417
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:29,772
What are you gonna
do about it?

418
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,040
Nathaniel, come over here.

419
00:16:31,108 --> 00:16:34,210
Um, actually, uh...

420
00:16:35,329 --> 00:16:36,829
...this is my fault.

421
00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:39,499
I sabotaged the science project.

422
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,050
- You did what?
- What?

423
00:16:41,118 --> 00:16:42,719
And it was
totally unprofessional.

424
00:16:42,786 --> 00:16:44,620
And I'm sorry,

425
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:47,724
but your daughter is--
how do I put this?

426
00:16:48,776 --> 00:16:50,426
Brianna is difficult.

427
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,845
Difficult? You're the one
that sabotaged her project.

428
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,013
You daughter sucks.

429
00:16:54,098 --> 00:16:55,131
Okay, she is
a demon seed,

430
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,133
she is the
spawn of Satan.

431
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,102
And I do believe I speak
for the entire human race

432
00:16:59,153 --> 00:17:02,855
when I say that people like her
should not be building robots.

433
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:04,240
Who are you?

434
00:17:04,307 --> 00:17:06,442
Brown lightning.

435
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,977
I want her disciplined.

436
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,662
No! No!

437
00:17:09,747 --> 00:17:11,614
- Wonderful.
- Hey, no.

438
00:17:11,665 --> 00:17:12,915
No.

439
00:17:12,983 --> 00:17:15,084
Why can't we all just

440
00:17:15,152 --> 00:17:16,652
love each other, right?

441
00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:18,955
What are you doing?

442
00:17:19,006 --> 00:17:21,257
Want a science project?

443
00:17:21,324 --> 00:17:24,427
How about this as a science
project: love is a myth.

444
00:17:24,494 --> 00:17:25,795
Why is this Earth

445
00:17:25,846 --> 00:17:27,764
so big and I am so small?

446
00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:31,634
So, yay, Earth.

447
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:34,437
Be optimistic? Learn?

448
00:17:34,504 --> 00:17:36,139
We're all gonna die alone, so...

449
00:17:41,695 --> 00:17:42,895
- My office, 9:00 a.m.
- How embarrassing.

450
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,280
I was right about the cactus.

451
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:55,274
I assure you, I'll be watching
Miss Day very closely.

452
00:17:56,726 --> 00:17:58,210
Hey.

453
00:17:58,542 --> 00:17:59,475
Hi.

454
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:03,715
I am so sorry, Tanya.

455
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:05,166
Don't be.

456
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:06,101
I love it!

457
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,603
Jess, you're a
real teacher now.

458
00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:09,471
What?

459
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:10,605
You're a kid hater.

460
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,057
You're one of us.

461
00:18:12,141 --> 00:18:14,609
Come here. Welcome.

462
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,678
I'm-I'm not a kid hater.

463
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,899
That's right.

464
00:18:20,983 --> 00:18:23,518
None of us are.

465
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:25,987
Hey, Brianna.

466
00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:28,323
Can I speak to you?

467
00:18:29,874 --> 00:18:30,858
Look,

468
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,661
I know I'm not your
favorite teacher.

469
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:33,879
You don't like my style.

470
00:18:33,963 --> 00:18:36,081
That's fine.

471
00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:37,916
But I'm not gonna
change who I am,

472
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,501
so you're just gonna
have to deal with it

473
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:41,386
and respect it.

474
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:43,221
Also, you're gonna
take this paper,

475
00:18:43,306 --> 00:18:44,973
and you're gonna
sing a duet with me.

476
00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:46,258
What?!

477
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,208
Oh, yeah.

478
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,426
Everybody, settle down.

479
00:18:50,011 --> 00:18:51,145
Camera phones are encouraged.

480
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:51,980
No.

481
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,982
One, two, three, four.

482
00:18:54,549 --> 00:18:55,884
You really
don't want to be seen

483
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,003
having breakfast
with me, do you?

484
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,604
Are we even still in L.A.?

485
00:18:59,689 --> 00:19:02,407
Schmidt, you and I
are not together.

486
00:19:02,491 --> 00:19:04,826
We're not in a relationship.

487
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,561
- We're just having sex.
- And I love it.

488
00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:09,881
And I'm not gonna be a prize
that you get to show off.

489
00:19:13,336 --> 00:19:17,071
Look, guys are always
just showing me off,

490
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:18,840
and I hate it.

491
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:22,794
Look, I... I want to tell people

492
00:19:22,878 --> 00:19:26,715
because I think
that you are the dopest,

493
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,183
flyest...

494
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:33,972
...smartest, ballsiest,
bitchiest,

495
00:19:34,056 --> 00:19:36,024
truly terrifying woman

496
00:19:36,591 --> 00:19:38,026
that I have

497
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:40,812
sexually enjoyed
in a really long time.

498
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:48,236
Do you want
to tell the waitress?

499
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:50,155
Uh, if I could have
everyone's attention.

500
00:19:50,239 --> 00:19:51,723
Real quick, if
you could, uh...

501
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,392
Hey, guys, call a time-out
to whatever-whatever-

502
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,428
whatever that thing is.
Okay, great.

503
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:59,881
I am having sex
with this woman right here.

504
00:20:00,448 --> 00:20:01,783
You want to stand up?

505
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,718
No. Okay, you don't want to do it?
All right, great.

506
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:06,454
I'm enjoying myself
im-immensely.

507
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:07,889
Uh, it's, you know,

508
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,140
a physical thing,
but I am definitely,

509
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,227
for real having sex

510
00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:16,514
with this girl right here,
to completion.

511
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:21,519
Parkour!

512
00:20:21,604 --> 00:20:22,620
Hit it!

513
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,222
Down! Hit it!

514
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,074
Down! Hit it!

515
00:20:27,209 --> 00:20:29,044
Yeah.

516
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:34,582
Hey.

517
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,004
I got you a real plant.

518
00:20:39,088 --> 00:20:41,589
Yeah, I don't want it, Jess;
I'll just kill it.

519
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,291
I know.

520
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:44,992
You're a plant killer.

521
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,795
And I write songs.

522
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,763
We're weirdos.

523
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,799
But that's who we are.

524
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,300
And that's fine.

525
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:54,168
And you have
a giant cactus needle

526
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,670
sticking out of your face.

527
00:20:55,721 --> 00:20:58,306
What? Where is it?

528
00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:00,975
Can you get it out?
Get it out. Ow.

529
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:04,512
# So it's time
we all make a change #

530
00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:07,382
# Find somewhere else
for our loose change #

531
00:21:07,450 --> 00:21:10,151
The song is called "Let Me
Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?

532
00:21:10,219 --> 00:21:12,604
- Yeah.
- It's catchy.

533
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,489
I mean, the title is flawed,
there's no question about that.

534
00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:17,325
But you are kicking ass
with the comments.

535
00:21:17,392 --> 00:21:18,643
Look at this.

536
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,578
"This teacher is <i>muy caliente."</i>

537
00:21:20,663 --> 00:21:22,597
- Hot, hot, hot.
- "I'd like to grade her on a curve."

538
00:21:23,165 --> 00:21:23,996
Yep.

539
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,884
"Finally, entertainment
that doesn't

540
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,319
resort to salty language."

541
00:21:27,387 --> 00:21:29,587
Finally.

542
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:32,006
Jess, these commenters
are all you, aren't they?

543
00:21:32,074 --> 00:21:33,407
Yes. Yes, they are.

544
00:21:33,574 --> 00:21:34,907
# A robot arm. #