1 00:00:01,037 --> 00:00:03,438 Here? You're dropping me off here? 2 00:00:04,006 --> 00:00:06,574 R-Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? 3 00:00:06,642 --> 00:00:08,309 Look at the size of that guy. 4 00:00:08,377 --> 00:00:09,978 He's clearly new homeless. 5 00:00:10,045 --> 00:00:12,113 We're a mile away from the loft, Cece. 6 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:12,980 I'm not getting caught with you. 7 00:00:13,148 --> 00:00:15,016 I'm gonna have to run all the way home. 8 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,366 And I have my slippiest loafers on. 9 00:00:16,368 --> 00:00:18,251 If I were you, I would get walking right now. 10 00:00:18,253 --> 00:00:19,987 You're never gonna get home before dawn. 11 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,956 Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us, 12 00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:26,193 but you cannot just call me at anytime 13 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:28,328 and just summon me for intercourse. 14 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,629 I have no control here, 15 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,865 and I'm stressed out all day long. 16 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,800 It's like you're ripping the side block 17 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,636 out of my mental Jenga. 18 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,337 I'm totally falling apart. 19 00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,072 Okay, Schmidt, you... 20 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,975 you really need to learn to take a breath 21 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,809 and calm down, all right? 22 00:00:44,877 --> 00:00:47,278 We're just being a little spontaneous. 23 00:00:47,346 --> 00:00:50,015 Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: 24 00:00:50,082 --> 00:00:52,884 "spontaneous, flexible, easy-going." 25 00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:54,753 - I'm like a Marine. - You're nothing like a Marine. 26 00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:56,821 I'm totally like a Marine, all right? You know what? Fine... 27 00:00:56,889 --> 00:00:58,690 I'm... I'm out of here. 28 00:00:59,458 --> 00:01:00,658 Take these, 29 00:01:00,725 --> 00:01:02,860 and take care of them-- I can get a tetanus shot, 30 00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:05,295 but I can't cure damaged suede. 31 00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:11,151 Can you believe I found this on the street? 32 00:01:11,152 --> 00:01:12,336 Who would want to throw this away? 33 00:01:12,404 --> 00:01:14,604 A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? 34 00:01:14,922 --> 00:01:17,106 Get rid of it, Jess-- pine has no place in this loft. 35 00:01:17,674 --> 00:01:19,341 It's the wood of poor people and outhouses. 36 00:01:19,659 --> 00:01:20,907 I pay rent, 37 00:01:20,911 --> 00:01:23,047 so I think that gives me the right to add a few things. 38 00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:24,382 Jess... 39 00:01:25,514 --> 00:01:26,482 you're wrong. 40 00:01:26,849 --> 00:01:27,917 Okay? 41 00:01:27,918 --> 00:01:29,052 My answer's no. 42 00:01:29,119 --> 00:01:30,820 Well, my answer is yes. 43 00:01:30,888 --> 00:01:33,155 - I'm keeping the hutch. - I had a bad night. 44 00:01:33,222 --> 00:01:35,957 I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 45 00:01:36,025 --> 00:01:38,493 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts. 46 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,961 - You would not dare. - Try me. 47 00:01:40,029 --> 00:01:42,330 That was the worst four weeks of my life. 48 00:01:42,398 --> 00:01:45,000 # Hey, girl # 49 00:01:45,068 --> 00:01:48,069 # What you doing? # 50 00:01:48,137 --> 00:01:50,104 # Hey, girl # 51 00:01:50,571 --> 00:01:52,540 # Where you going? # 52 00:01:52,608 --> 00:01:54,943 # Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? # 53 00:01:55,689 --> 00:01:58,022 # Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? # 54 00:01:58,112 --> 00:01:59,648 # It's Jess. # 55 00:01:59,649 --> 00:02:03,332 1x16 - Control - 56 00:02:05,619 --> 00:02:06,486 Hey, Winston, 57 00:02:06,554 --> 00:02:07,887 why are you still drinking? 58 00:02:07,955 --> 00:02:10,023 It is 10:00 in the morning, man. 59 00:02:10,090 --> 00:02:12,158 Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, 60 00:02:12,226 --> 00:02:15,495 so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever. 61 00:02:15,563 --> 00:02:18,732 Well, why is there no girl version of you, my man? 62 00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:20,667 Moving on. 63 00:02:20,735 --> 00:02:22,468 So, last night's poker game. 64 00:02:23,036 --> 00:02:23,803 Got pretty intense. 65 00:02:23,871 --> 00:02:25,305 I don't even know what you're talking about-- 66 00:02:25,372 --> 00:02:26,472 I was so hammered last night. 67 00:02:26,540 --> 00:02:28,442 I've never been more sober in my whole life. 68 00:02:28,509 --> 00:02:30,509 I'll remember this as long as I live. 69 00:02:30,577 --> 00:02:32,645 I'm all in. Uno, bitches. 70 00:02:33,713 --> 00:02:35,181 Read 'em and weep. 71 00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:37,049 - Straight flush. - Aw! 72 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,516 So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks? 73 00:02:38,584 --> 00:02:39,651 - 20 bucks? - Yeah. 74 00:02:40,219 --> 00:02:42,387 You owe me $487. 75 00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:44,622 Come on, Winston! 76 00:02:44,690 --> 00:02:47,158 Aah! Schmidt makes me so mad! 77 00:02:47,226 --> 00:02:48,693 I want to put one thing, 78 00:02:48,761 --> 00:02:50,261 one thing in the living room, 79 00:02:50,329 --> 00:02:51,496 and he won't let me. 80 00:02:51,564 --> 00:02:52,720 I'm not putting up with this. 81 00:02:52,748 --> 00:02:53,714 Oh, yes, you are. 82 00:02:53,781 --> 00:02:55,349 We live in a fragile ecosystem. 83 00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:56,817 It's a delicate balance. 84 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,319 It's a broken ecosystem, 85 00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,754 - dominated by an apex predator. - Chill out, Jess. 86 00:03:00,822 --> 00:03:02,689 We let him run the house, no big deal. 87 00:03:02,757 --> 00:03:05,259 The boy cooks and cleans-- and happily, I might add. 88 00:03:05,327 --> 00:03:06,760 Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night 89 00:03:06,828 --> 00:03:08,862 'cause he was so excited to clean up after us. 90 00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,663 I know he's been bad lately, but... 91 00:03:10,731 --> 00:03:12,232 Schmidt's an odd bird. 92 00:03:12,299 --> 00:03:13,599 He can't handle it when things 93 00:03:13,667 --> 00:03:15,268 aren't clean and orderly. 94 00:03:15,336 --> 00:03:17,337 It's been that way since the day he moved in. 95 00:03:17,905 --> 00:03:20,340 Welcome to your new home, Schmidt. 96 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,075 Come on, play ball. 97 00:03:26,496 --> 00:03:27,479 Coming home! 98 00:03:33,319 --> 00:03:35,654 Well, I'm fed up with it. 99 00:03:35,721 --> 00:03:38,023 And he's got to learn how to relax. 100 00:03:38,091 --> 00:03:39,658 And, Nick, why do you have... 101 00:03:39,725 --> 00:03:41,225 cannons drawn all over your back? 102 00:03:41,293 --> 00:03:42,260 Those aren't cannons, Jess. 103 00:03:42,327 --> 00:03:43,428 Long-stem mushrooms? 104 00:03:43,495 --> 00:03:44,962 - Nope. - Oh, so that's... 105 00:03:45,530 --> 00:03:46,630 not a mossy cave. 106 00:03:46,698 --> 00:03:47,532 Mm-mm. 107 00:03:47,599 --> 00:03:48,999 - Mmm, no. - Probably not. 108 00:03:57,975 --> 00:03:59,076 What the...? 109 00:03:59,143 --> 00:04:01,178 What is happening...? 110 00:04:01,745 --> 00:04:02,712 I can't take this right now. 111 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,981 What, do we live in a pawnshop? 112 00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:06,916 Hey, Schmidt. 113 00:04:06,984 --> 00:04:08,518 Hey, Jess. What, uh... 114 00:04:09,286 --> 00:04:10,486 Where did all this come from? 115 00:04:10,654 --> 00:04:12,221 I found the afghan underneath a Dumpster 116 00:04:12,222 --> 00:04:13,755 outside an animal shelter. 117 00:04:13,823 --> 00:04:16,258 And I found the lamp underneath the afghan. 118 00:04:16,626 --> 00:04:18,160 I'm gonna assume that these are your spices 119 00:04:18,228 --> 00:04:19,928 - jammed in here with my spices. - Yep. 120 00:04:19,996 --> 00:04:22,131 I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla 121 00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:23,865 was not touching my Tahitian vanilla. 122 00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:26,034 Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching. 123 00:04:26,103 --> 00:04:28,170 What's it like living in the most populous isle 124 00:04:28,238 --> 00:04:29,870 in French Polynesia? 125 00:04:29,938 --> 00:04:32,574 I could tell you, or... I could show you. 126 00:04:32,641 --> 00:04:34,409 Not in front of the cloves. 127 00:04:34,477 --> 00:04:35,743 Where's my burr coffee grinder? 128 00:04:35,811 --> 00:04:37,579 Oh, you know, I think it's in the hutch. 129 00:04:37,646 --> 00:04:39,347 You put it in the hutch? 130 00:04:39,415 --> 00:04:41,882 The... aah, this thing was on the street. 131 00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:43,684 It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. 132 00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,385 I think it'll be okay. 133 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:48,154 A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder. 134 00:04:48,222 --> 00:04:49,723 You know what that means? It means it doesn't 135 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,359 smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder. 136 00:04:52,427 --> 00:04:54,528 It actually grinds them, 137 00:04:54,596 --> 00:04:57,364 for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile! 138 00:04:57,432 --> 00:05:00,166 Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly 139 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,601 to make homemade crayons. 140 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,436 Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt? 141 00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:06,472 Uh, yeah, that's fine. 142 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:09,107 If you're looking for your oven mitts, 143 00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:10,209 they're in the top drawer of the hutch. 144 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:12,111 Oh. Okay, fair enough. 145 00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:13,879 Hutch is gone. 146 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:14,847 - No. - No, no, no. 147 00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:16,449 - No. - No hutch. - No, no! 148 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,583 - Stop! Don't move the hutch. - Bye-bye, hutch! 149 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:19,851 This thing makes me emotionally nauseous! 150 00:05:19,918 --> 00:05:21,753 This is my hutch. Don't move it! 151 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:22,754 All right, you're right, you're right... 152 00:05:22,821 --> 00:05:24,289 I'm so sorry. You're right. 153 00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:25,590 It's a beautiful piece. 154 00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:28,160 It looks great there. 155 00:05:28,927 --> 00:05:29,927 My apologies. 156 00:05:30,495 --> 00:05:31,463 Thank you. 157 00:05:39,203 --> 00:05:40,204 Oops. 158 00:05:49,050 --> 00:05:50,813 Schmidt, you have a real problem. 159 00:05:52,031 --> 00:05:54,150 You've got to learn to calm down. 160 00:05:54,868 --> 00:05:56,052 Yeah, yeah. 161 00:06:01,549 --> 00:06:03,082 I love the beach. 162 00:06:03,151 --> 00:06:05,418 Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch? 163 00:06:05,486 --> 00:06:08,821 Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet. 164 00:06:08,889 --> 00:06:11,090 Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here. 165 00:06:11,159 --> 00:06:13,993 This is a great place to talk about your problems. 166 00:06:14,061 --> 00:06:16,052 Jess, this sucks-- I just want to go home. 167 00:06:16,059 --> 00:06:17,630 Schmidt, come here. 168 00:06:18,198 --> 00:06:21,100 Look. You got the birds in the sky. 169 00:06:23,636 --> 00:06:24,804 Sea and sand. 170 00:06:25,572 --> 00:06:27,306 The wind in our hair. 171 00:06:29,408 --> 00:06:30,842 You've lost your kite! 172 00:06:30,910 --> 00:06:33,244 Have fun flying your string all day! 173 00:06:33,312 --> 00:06:34,979 Sorry I forgot my wallet. 174 00:06:35,047 --> 00:06:37,048 Thank you for paying; It's delicious. 175 00:06:37,115 --> 00:06:38,684 Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying, 176 00:06:38,685 --> 00:06:40,485 "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet." 177 00:06:40,553 --> 00:06:42,420 - And then I still forgot it. - You still forget it. Wow, it's weird. 178 00:06:42,421 --> 00:06:44,289 - Yeah, you said that. We're getting older. - Yeah, I said that. 179 00:06:44,356 --> 00:06:45,990 Okay, this is a good segue. 180 00:06:46,058 --> 00:06:47,057 Um... 181 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,025 can I talk to you 182 00:06:49,026 --> 00:06:50,360 about something that's kind of tough? 183 00:06:52,058 --> 00:06:53,164 Yeah, man, shoot. 184 00:06:53,165 --> 00:06:56,833 "The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us. 185 00:06:56,901 --> 00:06:58,435 - I feel that..." - Oh, man! 186 00:06:58,503 --> 00:07:00,537 I thought this was about something serious. 187 00:07:00,605 --> 00:07:02,138 You set that up like it was about something different. 188 00:07:02,207 --> 00:07:03,807 This is about the poker? 189 00:07:03,874 --> 00:07:06,309 Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax. 190 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,047 "If I am reading this section, then I can only assume 191 00:07:12,115 --> 00:07:13,316 "you have told me to relax. 192 00:07:13,383 --> 00:07:15,751 - You wrote that? - "Let me assure you I am very relaxed, 193 00:07:15,819 --> 00:07:18,354 "although I have good reason not to be, 194 00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:19,722 "as you owe me a very large sum." 195 00:07:19,789 --> 00:07:22,054 I will pay you the money, you clown. 196 00:07:22,055 --> 00:07:23,792 "I am aware that we're both broke, 197 00:07:23,793 --> 00:07:26,829 "one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick. 198 00:07:26,830 --> 00:07:29,264 "I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder 199 00:07:29,332 --> 00:07:30,199 "and have hit rock bottom, 200 00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:32,367 - "where you, Nick Miller, - Thank you. 201 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:34,736 "Have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years. 202 00:07:34,803 --> 00:07:36,053 "But I want that money. 203 00:07:36,054 --> 00:07:38,372 "Give me my money. I really mean it. 204 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,941 "It's my money. You owe me that money, 205 00:07:41,008 --> 00:07:43,110 "so give me my money. Seriously. 206 00:07:43,177 --> 00:07:44,411 - Are you finished? - "Where is the money, dude? 207 00:07:44,479 --> 00:07:47,147 - You wrote "dude"? - "But I am not without pity. 208 00:07:47,215 --> 00:07:49,717 I am willing to just call it an even $200." 209 00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:53,386 Everything let go with just $200? 210 00:07:53,454 --> 00:07:56,356 - Right. - All right, I can do $200. 211 00:07:56,923 --> 00:07:58,991 - $200? Two hundo clean? - Yep. 212 00:07:59,559 --> 00:08:00,559 All right. 213 00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:08,333 I did pay for gas here, though. 214 00:08:08,401 --> 00:08:10,034 So that's, let's say, ten bucks. 215 00:08:10,602 --> 00:08:11,503 So we're at $190. 216 00:08:11,571 --> 00:08:13,838 We'll say clean $190. 217 00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:16,040 I hate to be this guy... 218 00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,109 but I got the fights on Friday, 219 00:08:18,177 --> 00:08:20,145 so that's $30. So let's call it $160 220 00:08:20,212 --> 00:08:22,213 and be done with it. 221 00:08:23,983 --> 00:08:26,818 $20 for beer that night, so $160 takes us to $140. 222 00:08:26,886 --> 00:08:28,386 Just to be fair. 223 00:08:28,454 --> 00:08:30,488 And I didn't write a stupid letter about it. 224 00:08:30,555 --> 00:08:32,022 But let's say right now $140. 225 00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:34,057 You ate a lot of the nachos! 226 00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:38,096 Littering! $15 for littering! 227 00:08:38,964 --> 00:08:41,131 # What a way to live... # 228 00:08:41,199 --> 00:08:42,833 How fun is this! 229 00:08:44,301 --> 00:08:45,803 It's not my cup of tea. 230 00:08:46,071 --> 00:08:48,605 # Don't you know that life # 231 00:08:48,673 --> 00:08:51,741 # Don't wait for death? # 232 00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:55,945 # Choo-choo # 233 00:08:57,447 --> 00:08:58,214 No! 234 00:08:58,281 --> 00:08:59,748 No! No, Jess, no! 235 00:08:59,817 --> 00:09:02,851 I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, 236 00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:04,986 you are legitimately crazy. 237 00:09:05,054 --> 00:09:06,755 I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess? 238 00:09:06,824 --> 00:09:10,559 No, I mean, you're like aging- ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, 239 00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:12,327 professional-magician crazy. 240 00:09:12,394 --> 00:09:15,530 It's my mom's fault-- you know, I come from a Jewish family, 241 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,533 but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house 242 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,067 was because my room was dirty. 243 00:09:20,135 --> 00:09:22,069 The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. 244 00:09:22,137 --> 00:09:24,605 - That's why I got fat. - Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat 245 00:09:24,673 --> 00:09:27,475 Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork. 246 00:09:27,543 --> 00:09:29,643 It's because you didn't have any structure. 247 00:09:29,711 --> 00:09:31,678 You know what I mean? That's what happens 248 00:09:31,746 --> 00:09:32,713 when you don't have any rules. 249 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,949 None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. 250 00:09:36,016 --> 00:09:37,751 He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms. 251 00:09:37,819 --> 00:09:40,086 Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? 252 00:09:40,154 --> 00:09:43,590 I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. 253 00:09:43,658 --> 00:09:45,491 And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, 254 00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,826 because they're not-- they just have nothing to do. 255 00:09:47,844 --> 00:09:50,230 That's not me. It's not that easy for me. 256 00:09:50,297 --> 00:09:52,865 Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. 257 00:09:52,932 --> 00:09:54,834 Just be spontaneous. 258 00:10:27,731 --> 00:10:28,899 Hey, Nick. 259 00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:31,034 Look, man, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly 260 00:10:31,035 --> 00:10:32,869 sitting here working hard making lots of money. 261 00:10:32,937 --> 00:10:35,438 - All right. - But if you'd kindly just pause that for one second, 262 00:10:35,506 --> 00:10:37,673 I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle. 263 00:10:38,241 --> 00:10:39,509 Account number one: 264 00:10:39,576 --> 00:10:42,478 A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle. 265 00:10:42,546 --> 00:10:44,814 - Bam. Here we go. - We're doing this, huh? 266 00:10:44,882 --> 00:10:47,216 - Yeah, we are doing this. - Great - Item number two: 267 00:10:47,284 --> 00:10:51,119 Cancelled $35 check for registration of a domain name-- 268 00:10:51,186 --> 00:10:52,721 "It's Nick Miller Time.com." 269 00:10:52,789 --> 00:10:55,050 "Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man. 270 00:10:55,051 --> 00:10:56,091 I'm gonna be a big-time blogger." 271 00:10:56,159 --> 00:10:57,759 - I have to go to work... - Uh-huh. 272 00:10:57,827 --> 00:11:00,629 ...At a bar, where you drink for free. 273 00:11:00,696 --> 00:11:01,933 - Wow. - How much does four 274 00:11:01,934 --> 00:11:04,265 hundred cognac and colas add up to, Winston? 275 00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:05,166 - You want to go there? - Yeah. 276 00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:06,568 Okay. How about all the times I sat around 277 00:11:06,569 --> 00:11:08,102 listening to you bitch and moan 278 00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:10,571 about how Caroline broke your precious little heart? 279 00:11:10,639 --> 00:11:13,173 - Okay, in eighth grade... - Eighth grade. 280 00:11:13,241 --> 00:11:15,776 - ...You "accidentally" saw my mom naked. - Mm-hmm. 281 00:11:15,844 --> 00:11:18,912 Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby. 282 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,180 Okay? 283 00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:21,548 So how much is that, in terms of money? 284 00:11:21,615 --> 00:11:23,083 'Cause I haven't gotten over that. 285 00:11:23,151 --> 00:11:25,952 - And I would say four to $5,000. - Hey, guys. Hey, guys. 286 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,355 Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked in eighth grade; in terms of mon-- 287 00:11:28,356 --> 00:11:31,257 I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks. 288 00:11:31,325 --> 00:11:32,391 Mm, he did. 289 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:33,526 He let go. 290 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,365 He washed his hands in a public restroom. 291 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,933 And there was a man in there. 292 00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:44,570 And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. 293 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:45,937 And I didn't break eye contact. 294 00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:46,738 Not once. 295 00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:49,274 That's not letting go, that's cruising. 296 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:51,778 Hey, Schmidt. 297 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,545 - There's a spill. - I know. 298 00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,247 Do your exercise. You know. 299 00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,649 Yeah, okay, the exercise. 300 00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:05,256 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 301 00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:08,259 I feel great. 302 00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,054 I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, 303 00:12:10,055 --> 00:12:11,529 like a common ranch hand. 304 00:12:12,597 --> 00:12:15,832 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - What is going on? 305 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,401 You messed with the ecosystem. 306 00:12:17,569 --> 00:12:19,136 And you guys said it couldn't be done. 307 00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:21,105 You have no idea what you're getting into. 308 00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:22,673 You're welcome. 309 00:12:28,066 --> 00:12:29,734 Schmidt, you're killing with me with that drumming! 310 00:12:29,802 --> 00:12:31,636 You're killing me! 311 00:12:31,637 --> 00:12:34,271 Look at this mess. How did this happen? 312 00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:35,740 So, this is your fault. 313 00:12:35,808 --> 00:12:37,575 No. No. 314 00:12:37,643 --> 00:12:39,009 This is good for Schmidt. 315 00:12:39,077 --> 00:12:40,778 'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him 316 00:12:40,846 --> 00:12:42,246 for years. 317 00:12:42,314 --> 00:12:43,980 You make him cook, you make him clean... 318 00:12:44,048 --> 00:12:45,615 Where's my money, dude? 319 00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:48,184 Frankly, it's... sexist. 320 00:12:48,252 --> 00:12:49,953 Oh, my God. Ew! 321 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,221 How's it sexist? 322 00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:52,989 Who's cleaning up? 323 00:12:53,057 --> 00:12:55,225 - I cleaned this morning. - All right, fine. 324 00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:57,293 - I'll clean, you guys go to the store. - Act like an adult. 325 00:12:57,362 --> 00:12:58,627 I'm not going to the store with him. 326 00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:01,530 - Where's my money, dude...? - Stop throwing things at each other. 327 00:13:01,598 --> 00:13:03,932 - Oh, come on. - Where is the money? 328 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,133 You're a child. 329 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,602 ...My car, too, while you... 330 00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:07,737 Silence, friends! 331 00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:09,338 I made you necklaces. 332 00:13:09,806 --> 00:13:11,340 Hey, do you want to go to the store? 333 00:13:11,408 --> 00:13:13,442 Please, God, yes. 334 00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:16,511 $100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks? 335 00:13:16,579 --> 00:13:18,279 - It's only $100? - $100. 336 00:13:18,347 --> 00:13:19,954 You should've told... we have way too much stuff, man. 337 00:13:19,955 --> 00:13:22,116 - Yeah, like shrimp cocktail. - We don't need a baked ham. 338 00:13:22,184 --> 00:13:23,518 - All right. - Winston? 339 00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:25,319 - Sorry about that. - Really? Really? 340 00:13:26,088 --> 00:13:27,121 Two cake mixes? 341 00:13:27,189 --> 00:13:29,257 - Really? All these soups? - Pizza? Frozen pizza? 342 00:13:29,324 --> 00:13:30,824 You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die? Shut up, dude. 343 00:13:30,892 --> 00:13:32,793 We have enough ketchup. We have enough ketchup! Come on, really? 344 00:13:32,861 --> 00:13:34,261 Next, please. 345 00:13:34,328 --> 00:13:35,462 Oh, hey, how you doing, sir? 346 00:13:35,530 --> 00:13:37,197 We only have $100, Gary, 347 00:13:37,265 --> 00:13:39,299 so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100? 348 00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:40,834 Yeah, you got to include tax, too, 349 00:13:40,902 --> 00:13:42,936 - so, like, $93, just... Cool? - Yeah, just that'll do. 350 00:13:43,004 --> 00:13:44,037 Okay, guys. 351 00:13:44,105 --> 00:13:45,972 - Thanks. - I'm gonna put my stuff at the front, 352 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,474 - 'cause you obviously don't know how to shop. - You're being ridiculous. 353 00:13:48,542 --> 00:13:50,376 - Are you getting me? - We have enough ketchup. 354 00:13:51,444 --> 00:13:52,344 Epsom salt? 355 00:13:52,413 --> 00:13:54,079 - Yeah, okay. - What, are you too good for regular salt? 356 00:13:54,147 --> 00:13:55,915 You know damn well I got to soak my trick foot. 357 00:13:55,982 --> 00:13:57,884 Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot. 358 00:13:57,951 --> 00:13:59,919 Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie. 359 00:13:59,986 --> 00:14:01,353 - Aw, Winnie... - Fine. 360 00:14:01,922 --> 00:14:02,888 You don't owe me anything. 361 00:14:02,955 --> 00:14:04,489 The slate is clean. We're good, we're even. 362 00:14:04,557 --> 00:14:05,857 Oh, good, that's how I feel, too. 363 00:14:05,925 --> 00:14:08,593 Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner 364 00:14:08,661 --> 00:14:10,762 - of Best Boobs. - Really, Best Boobs? 365 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:12,497 - Yeah. Master's Division. - You're gonna talk about my mother? 366 00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:13,832 You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs? 367 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:14,999 Is that... you gonna go there? 368 00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,301 Don't push me in a supermarket, man. 369 00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:18,136 You started this. 370 00:14:20,203 --> 00:14:21,739 - Did you just slap me in the face? - No, I did not. 371 00:14:21,807 --> 00:14:23,541 I don't know what you're talking about. 372 00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:29,447 I'm not afraid of you, man. 373 00:14:31,082 --> 00:14:32,783 Don't act your... 374 00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:39,088 Grow up, dude! 375 00:14:41,391 --> 00:14:43,292 Hey, Schmidt. 376 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,061 Oh, hello, Jess. 377 00:14:45,128 --> 00:14:46,496 - Hey. - What are you doing out here? 378 00:14:46,564 --> 00:14:49,999 Oh, just checking up on you. 379 00:14:50,817 --> 00:14:51,867 Oh, I see you're eating street meat 380 00:14:51,935 --> 00:14:53,401 wrapped in street meat. 381 00:14:53,470 --> 00:14:55,438 This is my man, Gordon. 382 00:14:55,505 --> 00:14:58,006 You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. 383 00:14:58,074 --> 00:14:59,441 Excellent. 384 00:14:59,509 --> 00:15:01,009 - Did you go to work today? - No, no. No work. 385 00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:02,611 I haven't been there in a while. 386 00:15:02,679 --> 00:15:04,713 - How long is a while? - I don't know. Three days? 387 00:15:04,781 --> 00:15:08,516 Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here. 388 00:15:09,084 --> 00:15:11,085 I shouldn't have done that. 389 00:15:11,152 --> 00:15:12,453 Please come home. 390 00:15:12,721 --> 00:15:13,888 Why? 391 00:15:14,256 --> 00:15:15,790 So I can cook and clean? 392 00:15:15,858 --> 00:15:18,292 So I can show you where the vacuum is? 393 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:20,561 All right. 394 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:23,129 Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is. 395 00:15:23,497 --> 00:15:25,165 That is one reason why I came here, 396 00:15:25,682 --> 00:15:27,533 but I really want you to come home. 397 00:15:27,601 --> 00:15:30,303 Everything's falling apart without you. 398 00:15:30,371 --> 00:15:33,373 Nick and Winston are fighting all the time. 399 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,209 And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox. 400 00:15:36,276 --> 00:15:38,951 Schmidt, just listen to me, because you 401 00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:41,313 don't belong here, like, really. 402 00:15:41,381 --> 00:15:42,381 Do you remember when you 403 00:15:42,448 --> 00:15:44,883 got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? 404 00:15:44,950 --> 00:15:46,684 How about when you dress up 405 00:15:46,752 --> 00:15:50,055 like Shia Labeouf from Wall Street Two for Halloween? 406 00:15:50,423 --> 00:15:51,724 Do you remember when you said 407 00:15:51,791 --> 00:15:54,993 jazz music was America's greatest mistake? 408 00:15:55,060 --> 00:15:57,428 Say it in drums, Jessica Day. 409 00:15:57,496 --> 00:15:59,231 Me hablo drums. 410 00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:03,134 Hey, man. 411 00:16:03,135 --> 00:16:04,802 I got the last frozen thing. 412 00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:08,072 I was gonna ice my wrist, but... 413 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,107 How about this? 414 00:16:10,475 --> 00:16:11,642 Take half, pal. 415 00:16:12,009 --> 00:16:13,243 So kind of you. 416 00:16:14,779 --> 00:16:16,847 That hurts, man. 417 00:16:18,649 --> 00:16:20,050 I am so hungry. 418 00:16:20,117 --> 00:16:21,685 Remember those things that Schmidt used to make us 419 00:16:21,753 --> 00:16:24,655 with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery? 420 00:16:25,222 --> 00:16:26,156 What were those called? 421 00:16:26,223 --> 00:16:27,056 Ants on a log. 422 00:16:27,123 --> 00:16:28,724 Ants on a log. 423 00:16:28,792 --> 00:16:30,927 I just got why they're called ants on a log. 424 00:16:31,744 --> 00:16:33,095 Looks like ants on a log. 425 00:16:33,663 --> 00:16:34,897 I'm hungry, man. 426 00:16:34,965 --> 00:16:36,799 Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy? 427 00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:38,968 No, it's me. 428 00:16:39,036 --> 00:16:40,335 What the hell happened to you? 429 00:16:40,403 --> 00:16:41,604 I went down to the beach, 430 00:16:41,672 --> 00:16:43,572 and I tried to talk to Schmidt, 431 00:16:43,639 --> 00:16:45,440 but he just ignored me, 432 00:16:45,507 --> 00:16:47,709 and he went back to twirling his fire baton. 433 00:16:48,077 --> 00:16:50,144 He's really bad; He burned a lot of people. 434 00:16:50,212 --> 00:16:52,547 I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times 435 00:16:52,615 --> 00:16:54,315 before they actually light it on fire. 436 00:16:54,383 --> 00:16:55,817 Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt 437 00:16:55,885 --> 00:16:57,852 is really complicated. 438 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,053 'Cause you want to change him 439 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,821 so badly, 440 00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:03,757 but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse. 441 00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:07,427 You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem. 442 00:17:07,995 --> 00:17:09,797 This is not what I wanted. 443 00:17:10,364 --> 00:17:13,233 I just wanted to put my hutch here. 444 00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:15,802 Make the place my own, be a part of the family. 445 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,303 What family? With these clowns? 446 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,573 Yeah, you clowns. 447 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,240 Well, look, you want in, you're in. 448 00:17:21,309 --> 00:17:24,077 Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess. 449 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,044 Aww. 450 00:17:25,113 --> 00:17:27,480 Yeah, we don't "aww" in this family. 451 00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:37,054 Hey, guys. 452 00:17:37,123 --> 00:17:37,923 Hey, Schmidt. 453 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,958 Um, we need to talk. 454 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,129 Something not cool? 455 00:17:48,312 --> 00:17:49,746 Schmidt, we miss you. 456 00:17:50,313 --> 00:17:51,413 You just want me to clean. 457 00:17:51,481 --> 00:17:52,982 No, that's not true. 458 00:17:53,049 --> 00:17:54,249 - Well, it's a little bit true. - There's truth to that. 459 00:17:54,316 --> 00:17:55,716 Okay, look. I want you to clean. 460 00:17:55,785 --> 00:17:57,718 Look, we're so proud of you 461 00:17:57,787 --> 00:17:59,420 for letting go, and relaxing. 462 00:17:59,988 --> 00:18:01,822 But this isn't like you. 463 00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:04,391 You can run away from your problems, but 464 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,526 you're just gonna find new ones that pop up 465 00:18:06,594 --> 00:18:07,928 like hepatitis. 466 00:18:07,996 --> 00:18:09,729 And Nick and Winston 467 00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:12,666 want to say to you that they really miss you. 468 00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:13,801 You're freaking me out, man. 469 00:18:13,868 --> 00:18:15,602 Why are you wearing that crystal around your neck? 470 00:18:15,670 --> 00:18:17,636 Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy. 471 00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:19,839 All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt. 472 00:18:19,907 --> 00:18:21,607 Look, I need you, Schmidt. 473 00:18:22,175 --> 00:18:25,511 Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear 474 00:18:25,578 --> 00:18:27,646 and to exercise more often. 475 00:18:27,714 --> 00:18:29,148 I need you to make fun of me when I call 476 00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:31,517 a panini a hot sandwich; How am I ever gonna learn? 477 00:18:31,584 --> 00:18:32,551 I even miss 478 00:18:32,619 --> 00:18:33,718 your hair chutney. 479 00:18:33,786 --> 00:18:35,954 Without you, man, we're just 480 00:18:36,022 --> 00:18:37,789 three idiots who live together. 481 00:18:39,991 --> 00:18:41,359 You make us a family. 482 00:18:44,630 --> 00:18:46,764 Well, I'm the cool rebel brother. 483 00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:48,233 - You're the mom. - The mother. - Mom. 484 00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:49,700 Look, Schmidt, if you come back 485 00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:53,237 to us, I'll let you clean my room. 486 00:18:54,605 --> 00:18:56,240 The white whale? 487 00:18:56,308 --> 00:18:59,176 Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed. 488 00:18:59,544 --> 00:19:00,610 How many stray socks. 489 00:19:00,878 --> 00:19:01,846 Hey, Schmidt, 490 00:19:02,413 --> 00:19:03,613 I got you something. 491 00:19:03,681 --> 00:19:05,414 Is that a boutique box? 492 00:19:05,482 --> 00:19:10,220 A pair of gray, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers 493 00:19:10,987 --> 00:19:13,323 designed by a man named Calvin. 494 00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:15,392 Never been tried on. 495 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:17,593 Pockets are sewn shut. 496 00:19:17,661 --> 00:19:19,762 Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there 497 00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:21,796 and rip? 498 00:19:22,665 --> 00:19:24,166 Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this 499 00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:25,500 on your bongo drum, 500 00:19:26,318 --> 00:19:28,436 and you can, you know, 501 00:19:28,504 --> 00:19:30,772 give them a whirl if you feel like it. 502 00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,212 Just make the right decision. 503 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,613 Come home. 504 00:19:40,431 --> 00:19:42,750 Take the pants. 505 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,926 Oh, come here. 506 00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,601 Calvin. 507 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:04,271 You magnificent wizard. 508 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,746 Scmidtty. 509 00:20:16,214 --> 00:20:17,837 Nick, your hair is doing that thing 510 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,051 that I just... I just hate. 511 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,220 And Jess, can you please ask Winston to help you 512 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,055 move the furniture out? He could use the exercise. 513 00:20:23,123 --> 00:20:25,290 You're looking a little, you know... 514 00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:27,257 - He's back. - And Nick, Winston, 515 00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:28,359 we have a urinal. 516 00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,094 How are you still missing? 517 00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:31,729 Schmidt? 518 00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:33,531 Schmidt, wake up. 519 00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:35,533 Hey, hey. 520 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:36,935 Hey. 521 00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:37,936 Hey! 522 00:20:40,571 --> 00:20:41,738 What... 523 00:20:41,806 --> 00:20:43,206 are you doing here? 524 00:20:43,274 --> 00:20:44,708 What do you think I'm doing here? Come on! 525 00:20:48,012 --> 00:20:49,914 - Okay, wait, wait, wait. - What? 526 00:20:50,481 --> 00:20:51,148 Cece, 527 00:20:51,215 --> 00:20:52,716 before we continue, 528 00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:55,252 I clearly have no control in this relationship, 529 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,521 and... I'm fine with it. 530 00:20:58,589 --> 00:21:00,457 - Good. - But know this, 531 00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:02,359 you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m. 532 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:03,526 for a little bit of this Schmidt, so 533 00:21:03,594 --> 00:21:05,728 who's really in control? 534 00:21:05,796 --> 00:21:06,930 Shut up! 535 00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:15,604 Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants? 536 00:21:15,672 --> 00:21:17,205 What? They're slacks. 537 00:21:17,273 --> 00:21:19,475 - What's the big deal? Calm down. - Oh... 538 00:21:20,942 --> 00:21:23,144 Look how excited Hector J. is to see you. 539 00:21:23,212 --> 00:21:24,846 Yeah, I've already met Hector J., so... 540 00:21:24,913 --> 00:21:27,281 - Ooh, look, he's knighting you. - Oh, no, please stop knighting me. 541 00:21:27,282 --> 00:21:27,983 - Don't... - Lady Cecelia... 542 00:21:27,984 --> 00:21:28,917 No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave. 543 00:21:28,918 --> 00:21:30,986 You have entered the order of the round table. 544 00:21:31,053 --> 00:21:32,787 I'm getting my bag, okay, I'm gonna get my... 545 00:21:32,855 --> 00:21:34,922 - Oh, I want to stay. - Dame Nasty Cece.