1
00:00:08,697 --> 00:00:11,397
Nick, your houseguest is
urinating in the bathroom
2
00:00:11,397 --> 00:00:12,836
Tony the Tiger style.
3
00:00:12,868 --> 00:00:14,519
- Naked with a kerchief?
- What?
4
00:00:14,570 --> 00:00:15,820
Naked with a kerchief.
5
00:00:15,887 --> 00:00:19,082
No, what do you call
top, no pants?
6
00:00:19,082 --> 00:00:21,520
- Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh
or a Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog.
7
00:00:21,577 --> 00:00:22,910
- There's a Donald the Duck.
- I guess pretty much
8
00:00:22,995 --> 00:00:24,526
any kind of bear
except for Yogi
9
00:00:24,526 --> 00:00:25,815
'cause that's naked with a tie.
10
00:00:25,847 --> 00:00:27,364
Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
11
00:00:27,449 --> 00:00:29,472
I saw his entire butt.
12
00:00:29,539 --> 00:00:31,039
Look, Dirk's a good guy.
13
00:00:31,185 --> 00:00:33,130
He was my roommate
when I was in law school.
14
00:00:33,171 --> 00:00:35,073
- Smartest guy I know.
- So, he's a lawyer?
15
00:00:35,074 --> 00:00:37,154
No, he's not a lawyer,
but he does have a law degree,
16
00:00:37,192 --> 00:00:39,434
a business degree,
and a master's in agriculture.
17
00:00:39,494 --> 00:00:41,224
He's kind of like
a degree collector.
18
00:00:41,456 --> 00:00:43,151
He's got his PhD in poetry,
so...
19
00:00:43,214 --> 00:00:44,914
That sucks for poems.
20
00:00:44,965 --> 00:00:46,332
How'd it go with Fancyman?
21
00:00:46,449 --> 00:00:48,483
It was an amazing first date,
22
00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:51,083
except for one awkward
part at the end.
23
00:00:51,323 --> 00:00:54,104
I don't go on dates very often.
24
00:00:54,181 --> 00:00:56,870
Guys my age always want
to skip the date
25
00:00:56,925 --> 00:00:58,876
and just go right for the gold.
26
00:01:00,097 --> 00:01:01,816
Which I don't give them
27
00:01:01,883 --> 00:01:03,901
because I'm stingy
with my gold.
28
00:01:03,985 --> 00:01:05,853
Unless they dig for it.
29
00:01:08,891 --> 00:01:11,391
I haven't even gotten
to the awkward part yet.
30
00:01:11,443 --> 00:01:13,277
Oh, hi.
31
00:01:19,117 --> 00:01:21,285
Black sedan?
32
00:01:21,369 --> 00:01:22,953
Uh, yeah.
33
00:01:23,038 --> 00:01:24,788
What?
34
00:01:24,873 --> 00:01:26,574
So, he patted me on the back.
35
00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:27,791
I thought I'd at least get
36
00:01:27,843 --> 00:01:30,294
a front pat. Whoo-ha!
37
00:01:30,345 --> 00:01:31,395
What?
38
00:01:31,463 --> 00:01:32,797
Look,
39
00:01:32,865 --> 00:01:34,131
he probably just got nervous.
40
00:01:34,182 --> 00:01:35,483
No, Russell's never nervous.
41
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:36,984
That's the worst answer.
42
00:01:37,069 --> 00:01:38,443
Winston, what do you think?
43
00:01:38,497 --> 00:01:39,445
Oh, thank God.
44
00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:40,771
Hey, what's up, baby?
45
00:01:40,822 --> 00:01:42,073
- Ooh.
- Hey, is that Shelby?
46
00:01:43,942 --> 00:01:45,192
What was that?
That was a cat sound.
47
00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:47,228
Oh, because you did the whip,
we should've...
48
00:01:47,296 --> 00:01:48,613
- Guys! - It should have been
the other way around.
49
00:01:48,664 --> 00:01:50,331
Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.
50
00:01:50,415 --> 00:01:52,816
But next time you guys
want advice about girls,
51
00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:54,502
don't come crawling to me.
52
00:01:54,586 --> 00:01:55,670
- You got it.
- That sounds good.
53
00:01:55,754 --> 00:01:58,272
No, that was a joke; I love it
54
00:01:58,340 --> 00:02:00,408
when you guys ask me stuff.
It makes me feel really important.
55
00:02:00,475 --> 00:02:02,393
- And I love it...
- "One shade the more,"
56
00:02:02,461 --> 00:02:03,928
"One ray the less,"
57
00:02:03,995 --> 00:02:06,430
"Had half impaired
the nameless grace."
58
00:02:06,498 --> 00:02:08,466
Are you wearing
a ladies' scarf?
59
00:02:08,533 --> 00:02:09,717
Come to my lecture
tomorrow night.
60
00:02:10,301 --> 00:02:12,336
Absolutely not.
61
00:02:13,387 --> 00:02:14,472
She's missing out, my man.
62
00:02:14,523 --> 00:02:15,501
- Hey, Schmidt?
- Yeah?
63
00:02:15,561 --> 00:02:17,086
Mind if I borrow your car
to take Shelby to the airport?
64
00:02:17,225 --> 00:02:19,060
Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
65
00:02:19,844 --> 00:02:22,179
Hey, Schmidt, uh,
you mind if I use the, uh,
66
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:24,181
"man-bulance"?
67
00:02:24,232 --> 00:02:25,900
The man-bulance is resting.
He needs to get ready
68
00:02:25,984 --> 00:02:27,935
for the corporate team-building
retreat on Monday.
69
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:29,704
That's cool. I'm sure the
man-bulance couldn't handle
70
00:02:29,788 --> 00:02:31,372
all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
71
00:02:31,456 --> 00:02:33,240
Ooh... What the hell is
wrong with you, Winston?
72
00:02:33,325 --> 00:02:35,543
The man-bulance could fit
the luggage of nine Shelbys.
73
00:02:35,627 --> 00:02:36,994
It has the towing capacity
74
00:02:37,062 --> 00:02:38,429
of a thousand Shelbys.
75
00:02:38,497 --> 00:02:39,664
You know what?
Here you go, Winston.
76
00:02:39,715 --> 00:02:40,831
There you go.
77
00:02:40,882 --> 00:02:42,466
- Enjoy luxury.
- All good, man.
78
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:44,251
I got your second set,
so thank you.
79
00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:45,720
How'd you get
my second set of keys?
80
00:02:45,804 --> 00:02:47,037
Hey, someone left
your door open.
81
00:02:47,089 --> 00:02:49,006
Someone left
your face beautiful.
82
00:02:50,057 --> 00:02:51,208
Who is that?
83
00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:52,510
Apparently, his name is Dirk.
84
00:02:55,012 --> 00:02:57,481
Sorry, Dirk, I'm
seeing somebody.
85
00:02:57,548 --> 00:02:58,849
But should that stop you
86
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:00,184
from seeing this?
87
00:03:00,235 --> 00:03:01,686
Yeah!
88
00:03:01,737 --> 00:03:03,487
That's awesome.
Does he keep you happy?
89
00:03:03,555 --> 00:03:04,422
He does what he's told.
90
00:03:06,658 --> 00:03:08,526
So you're the boss
and he's your little secretary?
91
00:03:08,577 --> 00:03:10,277
Oh,
92
00:03:10,345 --> 00:03:11,896
you're a sex-cretary?
93
00:03:11,964 --> 00:03:13,664
I am definitely the boss.
94
00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:17,168
Sex-cretary,
he just made that up.
95
00:03:17,235 --> 00:03:20,171
# Who's that girl?#
# Who's that girl? #
96
00:03:20,238 --> 00:03:23,374
1x18
- Fancyman -
( Part 2 )
97
00:03:24,125 --> 00:03:25,926
I hate bachelorette parties.
98
00:03:26,011 --> 00:03:28,429
I have, like 50 different
penis items in my carry-on.
99
00:03:28,813 --> 00:03:30,014
This plane goes down,
there's gonna be
100
00:03:30,081 --> 00:03:32,466
some sharks doing
some really weird stuff.
101
00:03:32,551 --> 00:03:34,084
Sharks? I thought
you were going to Vegas?
102
00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:35,956
No, I'm going to Mexico.
I thought I told you that.
103
00:03:36,037 --> 00:03:36,754
Hmm-mm.
104
00:03:36,805 --> 00:03:38,189
Well, if you don't
want me to go,
105
00:03:38,256 --> 00:03:39,774
I don't have to go.
106
00:03:39,841 --> 00:03:41,642
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I want you to go.
107
00:03:41,727 --> 00:03:43,194
It'll be good, you know?
108
00:03:43,261 --> 00:03:44,762
We spent the last
five nights together.
109
00:03:44,813 --> 00:03:46,697
I mean, you know,
we both could use some space.
110
00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:50,401
Right.
111
00:03:52,437 --> 00:03:54,455
- Did I say something wrong?
- What?
112
00:03:54,539 --> 00:03:57,875
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
across all the space.
113
00:04:01,112 --> 00:04:02,213
Hey.
114
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,548
Great news, um,
Jess is taking a shower.
115
00:04:04,616 --> 00:04:07,885
Okay, I just need, like,
a good, solid ten minutes.
116
00:04:07,952 --> 00:04:09,136
Eat this granola bar first.
117
00:04:09,721 --> 00:04:12,590
I want to try something
called the horse trough.
118
00:04:13,809 --> 00:04:15,226
No, Cece.
119
00:04:15,293 --> 00:04:16,894
I'm not having sex
with you right now.
120
00:04:16,962 --> 00:04:18,562
I have to get everybody
in the company's name
121
00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:20,081
into a version of "We
Didn't Start the Fire."
122
00:04:20,148 --> 00:04:21,348
Totally fine.
123
00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:23,851
What do you need,
like, 20 minutes?
124
00:04:23,935 --> 00:04:25,770
Cece, this...
Okay, this is real work
125
00:04:26,321 --> 00:04:29,139
for my real boss who is not you.
126
00:04:29,191 --> 00:04:32,860
Oh, I get what's happening here.
127
00:04:32,944 --> 00:04:36,814
It's 'cause Ponytail called you
a "sex receptionist."
128
00:04:36,865 --> 00:04:38,949
A sex receptionist
answers calls all day.
129
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,286
A sex-cretary does
scheduling, light filing,
130
00:04:42,337 --> 00:04:43,871
basically runs the office.
131
00:04:43,939 --> 00:04:45,122
So, first of all,
132
00:04:45,173 --> 00:04:47,341
thank you for the demotion.
133
00:04:47,409 --> 00:04:48,492
And second of all, I quit.
134
00:04:48,543 --> 00:04:50,094
So, I'll see you tonight.
135
00:04:50,161 --> 00:04:51,796
Did you not hear anything
I just said?
136
00:04:51,847 --> 00:04:54,682
Oh, no, I totally heard you
loud and clear,
137
00:04:54,766 --> 00:04:59,186
but do you know
who didn't happen to hear you?
138
00:04:59,271 --> 00:05:00,805
What are you doing?
139
00:05:00,856 --> 00:05:01,839
Don't-don't-don't involve them.
140
00:05:01,890 --> 00:05:03,140
Oh, my...
141
00:05:03,191 --> 00:05:04,442
They just didn't hear.
142
00:05:04,509 --> 00:05:05,476
Don't bring them into this.
143
00:05:05,527 --> 00:05:06,844
Don't tell me.
144
00:05:06,895 --> 00:05:09,113
Tell them.
145
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:13,417
Hi.
146
00:05:13,484 --> 00:05:16,987
I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar,
147
00:05:17,038 --> 00:05:18,572
I love... I love you both.
148
00:05:18,657 --> 00:05:21,659
All the zany adventures
we've had.
149
00:05:21,710 --> 00:05:24,027
But we can't go to
White Castle today.
150
00:05:24,079 --> 00:05:25,162
Just can't do it.
151
00:05:25,230 --> 00:05:26,480
You're serious about this?
152
00:05:27,548 --> 00:05:28,382
Cece?
153
00:05:28,967 --> 00:05:30,200
Is Schmidt bothering you?
154
00:05:30,252 --> 00:05:31,635
This is not over.
155
00:05:31,703 --> 00:05:33,560
Okay?
156
00:05:33,990 --> 00:05:36,469
Was it like a caress
or like a... like a pat?
157
00:05:36,558 --> 00:05:38,259
No, like a pat;
It was distinctly a pat,
158
00:05:38,343 --> 00:05:39,643
and it was actually
kind of hot.
159
00:05:39,711 --> 00:05:41,011
The man knows how
to pat a back.
160
00:05:41,062 --> 00:05:42,763
At any point during the night,
161
00:05:42,848 --> 00:05:45,048
did you do
your Kermit the Frog imitation?
162
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,317
Maybe.
163
00:05:46,384 --> 00:05:47,485
Once or twice.
164
00:05:47,552 --> 00:05:49,323
No, stop, it freaks me out
and you know.
165
00:05:49,324 --> 00:05:50,378
Well, what do I do?
166
00:05:50,379 --> 00:05:52,735
I really, really want to see him
again, like, badly.
167
00:05:52,858 --> 00:05:54,992
- You just call him.
- I can't.
168
00:05:55,059 --> 00:05:56,277
He's too sophisticated.
169
00:05:56,344 --> 00:05:58,028
He told me he'd run
with the bulls,
170
00:05:58,079 --> 00:05:59,446
and I quote,
171
00:05:59,514 --> 00:06:01,123
"not the touristy bulls
in Pamplona."
172
00:06:01,178 --> 00:06:02,924
Big deal. Just call him.
173
00:06:03,001 --> 00:06:05,619
Schmidt says the moment
a woman touches a phone,
174
00:06:05,687 --> 00:06:08,289
she loses her power
unless she's sexting,
175
00:06:08,373 --> 00:06:10,541
in which case, she
gains a half power.
176
00:06:10,592 --> 00:06:11,675
Okay, well,
that's Schmidt just talking...
177
00:06:11,743 --> 00:06:13,294
I mean, what does Schmidt know?
178
00:06:13,378 --> 00:06:15,881
Look, all the guys
that you live with-- boys.
179
00:06:15,956 --> 00:06:17,851
You've only dated boys.
180
00:06:17,852 --> 00:06:19,306
Russell is a grown man,
181
00:06:19,306 --> 00:06:20,435
and I bet he likes women
182
00:06:20,519 --> 00:06:22,419
who know what they want
and ask for it.
183
00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:25,639
He has a hot air balloon
in a hangar in Palm Springs.
184
00:06:25,707 --> 00:06:27,525
Okay, sweetheart,
you are sophisticated.
185
00:06:27,592 --> 00:06:29,026
You've just got
to pick up the phone,
186
00:06:29,093 --> 00:06:31,378
and you ask him out for dinner.
187
00:06:31,446 --> 00:06:33,113
I am sophisticated.
188
00:06:33,198 --> 00:06:34,264
I'm gonna do this.
189
00:06:35,316 --> 00:06:36,466
What is that?
190
00:06:36,818 --> 00:06:37,952
It's a phone.
191
00:06:38,036 --> 00:06:38,903
Oh, God.
192
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:45,304
And thus ends our journey
through the words of time.
193
00:06:45,351 --> 00:06:47,702
From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,
194
00:06:47,787 --> 00:06:49,854
from Dylan to Dylan.
195
00:06:50,922 --> 00:06:52,658
They're both named Dylan.
196
00:06:52,709 --> 00:06:54,743
- Watch him bring it home, man.
- Do I have to?
197
00:06:54,827 --> 00:06:56,294
We have to rage.
198
00:06:56,361 --> 00:06:58,696
"Rage against the dying
of the light.
199
00:06:58,748 --> 00:07:00,331
"And when the light
200
00:07:00,382 --> 00:07:03,418
is no longer bright."
201
00:07:07,423 --> 00:07:11,209
"Don't think twice,
it's all right."
202
00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:12,376
It's over.
203
00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:16,397
Smartest guy I know.
204
00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:19,550
Professor?
205
00:07:19,602 --> 00:07:20,551
- Professor?
- Yeah?
206
00:07:20,603 --> 00:07:21,936
We wanted to remind you
207
00:07:22,021 --> 00:07:24,439
about the post-lecture
wine and cheese event.
208
00:07:24,523 --> 00:07:26,024
A soiree, eh?
209
00:07:26,075 --> 00:07:27,492
Super classy.
210
00:07:27,559 --> 00:07:30,245
Crackers, bubbles,
crab, hummus.
211
00:07:30,329 --> 00:07:32,563
Yeah, I-I e-mailed
you about that.
212
00:07:32,615 --> 00:07:35,033
- That was me. - Oh, sometimes when
I get a really long e-mail...
213
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:39,570
I don't read it.
214
00:07:40,706 --> 00:07:42,373
Bye.
215
00:07:43,424 --> 00:07:45,126
Oh, Mommy.
216
00:07:45,211 --> 00:07:46,678
All right,
Dirk, what about Deb?
217
00:07:46,745 --> 00:07:48,346
You guys having problems
or something?
218
00:07:48,413 --> 00:07:50,248
No, no, no, everything's fine.
219
00:07:50,799 --> 00:07:52,550
She left me and moved
out of the house.
220
00:07:52,601 --> 00:07:55,086
I guess it was "too
hard to support me."
221
00:07:55,637 --> 00:07:56,554
"Financially."
222
00:07:56,556 --> 00:07:58,774
It's all fine; her leaving
has allowed me to realize
223
00:07:58,858 --> 00:08:00,559
the one thing that was
missing in my life.
224
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:01,443
Scarves?
225
00:08:01,527 --> 00:08:03,312
Undergraduate ladies.
226
00:08:03,396 --> 00:08:05,230
You see, girls our age,
what do they want?
227
00:08:05,281 --> 00:08:07,265
They want us to wed them,
sire their children.
228
00:08:07,317 --> 00:08:08,367
They want you to have
229
00:08:08,434 --> 00:08:09,818
- a-a bedframe.
- Right, yeah.
230
00:08:09,902 --> 00:08:11,370
Hmm? They want you
to eat off plates,
231
00:08:11,437 --> 00:08:12,738
but girls in college
232
00:08:12,789 --> 00:08:14,105
all they want you to do
233
00:08:14,157 --> 00:08:17,376
is tell them that
their photography has potential.
234
00:08:17,443 --> 00:08:19,661
Yeah, but don't they want to
hang out wth guys their own age?
235
00:08:19,746 --> 00:08:21,580
Have you hung out with a
20-year-old dude lately?
236
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:24,449
- Trust me, they are setting the
bar very, very low. - Right.
237
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,085
- They haven't even gone through their
gay phase yet. - Hey, man, I'm gonna
238
00:08:27,136 --> 00:08:28,236
give Shelby a call
really quick.
239
00:08:28,295 --> 00:08:29,968
Just want to check on her,
see if everything's all right.
240
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,581
- Sounds good, man.
- What, dude, relax, okay?
241
00:08:31,624 --> 00:08:33,508
I just said we're gonna give
each other space,
242
00:08:33,593 --> 00:08:35,060
doesn't mean
I can't call her, right,
243
00:08:35,127 --> 00:08:37,929
to see if anything funny
happened on the plane.
244
00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:39,431
You know what "space"
means, right?
245
00:08:39,482 --> 00:08:41,316
That's space to have sex
with other people.
246
00:08:41,401 --> 00:08:43,485
No, space means
you go to Mexico,
247
00:08:44,069 --> 00:08:45,604
and you do not have sex
with other people.
248
00:08:46,055 --> 00:08:46,805
Watch this.
249
00:08:46,856 --> 00:08:49,074
Nick, don't give my any space.
250
00:08:49,141 --> 00:08:50,492
You got it, my man.
251
00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:52,327
See, this makes it pretty hard
252
00:08:52,412 --> 00:08:54,329
for you and I to have sex
right now, doesn't it?
253
00:08:54,414 --> 00:08:55,997
Now, Nick, I want you
254
00:08:56,082 --> 00:08:57,332
- to give me some space.
- You got it.
255
00:08:57,417 --> 00:09:00,001
All this space
allows me opportunity
256
00:09:00,086 --> 00:09:01,837
to have as much sex as we want.
257
00:09:01,921 --> 00:09:02,838
Smartest guy I know.
258
00:09:02,922 --> 00:09:04,089
See how much sex
259
00:09:04,156 --> 00:09:06,591
- we could be having?
- That-that does...
260
00:09:06,659 --> 00:09:08,827
Get out of my way, bookworms!
261
00:09:08,878 --> 00:09:11,129
You ready to make love
to some college chicks?
262
00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:13,014
Hey, when's the last time
you had mono?
263
00:09:13,099 --> 00:09:14,433
I don't know.
264
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:17,386
Tomorrow, you're
gonna say yesterday.
265
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:19,271
I have that
team-building research
266
00:09:19,338 --> 00:09:21,005
you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.
267
00:09:22,191 --> 00:09:24,693
What... are you wearing?
268
00:09:24,777 --> 00:09:26,778
I don't... I don't know.
269
00:09:26,846 --> 00:09:28,012
I mean, I found this
270
00:09:28,064 --> 00:09:29,948
at the lost and found
at the gym.
271
00:09:30,016 --> 00:09:33,201
I'm not really sure how sexy
a sex-cretary is supposed to be.
272
00:09:34,019 --> 00:09:34,820
I've never had to do this.
273
00:09:34,887 --> 00:09:36,571
I've never had
to seduce somebody before.
274
00:09:36,656 --> 00:09:38,189
If you're gonna seduce me,
275
00:09:38,241 --> 00:09:40,992
don't dress up like
my aunt Frieda at Seder.
276
00:09:42,043 --> 00:09:43,211
Come on, okay?
277
00:09:43,296 --> 00:09:45,130
I will do anything,
278
00:09:45,847 --> 00:09:47,666
and I'll do it anywhere.
279
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:48,550
All right?
280
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,721
Even fantasy location...
281
00:09:53,805 --> 00:09:54,806
number three?
282
00:09:55,874 --> 00:09:56,842
Okay.
283
00:09:59,395 --> 00:10:02,514
Um, how good are the Beatles?
284
00:10:03,065 --> 00:10:04,399
Beatles are the best.
285
00:10:04,784 --> 00:10:06,217
Were you so upset
when they broke up?
286
00:10:06,769 --> 00:10:08,219
I would have been,
but I was one.
287
00:10:11,157 --> 00:10:13,508
Well, you're not one any more.
288
00:10:16,460 --> 00:10:17,462
How's your prostate?
289
00:10:17,513 --> 00:10:19,297
- Uh...
- I had my breast exam last week,
290
00:10:19,348 --> 00:10:20,732
and, like, they're fine.
291
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,184
It's just boob in there,
292
00:10:22,268 --> 00:10:24,603
but we have to be careful.
293
00:10:24,654 --> 00:10:26,137
Our bodies are decaying.
294
00:10:26,889 --> 00:10:27,572
Are you okay?
295
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:28,990
You seem strange.
296
00:10:29,075 --> 00:10:30,358
Why didn't we kiss
the other night?
297
00:10:30,443 --> 00:10:31,359
Sorry.
298
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,747
I'm sorry.
299
00:10:35,815 --> 00:10:37,833
- No, it's fine.
- Oh.
300
00:10:37,917 --> 00:10:39,034
- What?
- Hey, I...
301
00:10:39,118 --> 00:10:41,002
- Is everything okay? Oh.
- I got to go.
302
00:10:41,087 --> 00:10:42,871
- This ought to take care
of the dinner. - Yeah.
303
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:45,657
Okay?
304
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:47,092
Oh, I cannot believe
I almost left
305
00:10:47,159 --> 00:10:48,376
without, um...
306
00:10:48,461 --> 00:10:49,661
Here, there's cab fare.
307
00:10:49,712 --> 00:10:50,512
- Get home safe.
- Oh.
308
00:10:56,402 --> 00:10:57,686
Baby, look, I don't want space,
okay?
309
00:10:57,770 --> 00:10:59,187
I don't want anyone
to have space.
310
00:10:59,272 --> 00:11:01,056
I want to be standing
right in front of you.
311
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:02,858
I want the air that you breathe
312
00:11:02,942 --> 00:11:05,227
to be the air coming directly
from out of my mouth.
313
00:11:05,311 --> 00:11:07,345
I want to just be passing air
back and forth
314
00:11:07,396 --> 00:11:09,447
between each other
until it's mostly carbon dioxide
315
00:11:09,515 --> 00:11:12,033
and then we both
pass out and die.
316
00:11:16,689 --> 00:11:17,873
No flights tonight.
317
00:11:17,940 --> 00:11:20,788
Hey, Schmidt, do you mind
if I borrow your car again?
318
00:11:20,850 --> 00:11:22,250
"Of course you can, Winston.
You're so great."
319
00:11:22,335 --> 00:11:23,551
Thank you!
320
00:11:42,142 --> 00:11:43,509
Nope.
321
00:11:43,624 --> 00:11:44,882
Hey, my name's Nicholas.
322
00:11:44,930 --> 00:11:46,843
Nick, Nick.
323
00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:49,789
Buddy, nobody ever regretted
throwing an after party.
324
00:11:49,789 --> 00:11:50,817
Oh, I do.
325
00:11:50,883 --> 00:11:52,055
Dirk, I feel so old here.
326
00:11:52,101 --> 00:11:53,828
Is calling a girl "Shorty"
still cool?
327
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,631
We just got to find your angle
with these college girls.
328
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,183
Your hook, your panty-melter.
329
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,869
Usually, my hook is that it's
closing time, and I'm there.
330
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:02,855
You were a panty-melting
icon in law school.
331
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:04,756
If panties were snowmen,
332
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:07,226
you were March, bro.
333
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:10,896
Hey.
334
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,531
- Don't-don't do this.
- Skyler, Miriam,
335
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:13,983
- come over here for a second.
- Don't humiliate me, Dirk.
336
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,567
How cool is my friend, Nick?
337
00:12:15,618 --> 00:12:17,069
Are you a professor, too?
338
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,370
No, no, no, I'm a bartender.
339
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:19,538
30 years old,
340
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:21,073
I don't have health insurance.
341
00:12:21,124 --> 00:12:23,659
You know how to make drinks?
342
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,444
Panty-melter.
343
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,579
Do I know how to make drinks,
did you say?
344
00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:29,381
Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
345
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:30,799
Yeah, I do that professionally.
346
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,968
You could get me
drunk professionally?
347
00:12:33,036 --> 00:12:34,670
Are you a cop?
348
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,854
Sometimes.
349
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,173
Do you have identification
on you?
350
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,517
I gotta call Jenna
351
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,736
and tell her I'm making out
with a bartender.
352
00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:52,821
Five nights a week.
353
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:56,141
Jess, you made it to the party!
354
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,026
What's going on?
Why is the cast
355
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,695
of the Social Network
in our apartment?
356
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,580
Dirk is a genius!
357
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,083
20-year-old girls--
they think I'm awesome!
358
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,701
And look at 'em!
359
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,703
They don't know what
Saved by the Bell is
360
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,037
and they've never felt pain.
361
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,624
I'm Skyler's Fancyman!
362
00:13:12,675 --> 00:13:13,792
Can you believe it?
363
00:13:13,843 --> 00:13:15,177
Where's your Fancyman?
Where is he?
364
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,179
I don't know.
It was horrible.
365
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:20,499
He left and gave me
$100 for a cab!
366
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:21,934
You know what?
367
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:24,103
I'm gonna use the remaining 90
368
00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:26,505
to get out of here
and start a new life.
369
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,890
It's been nice knowing you.
370
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,776
Hey...!
371
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:32,561
I'm gonna die alone!
372
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,179
Oh, no!
373
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,815
I am so, so sad right now.
374
00:13:36,866 --> 00:13:39,535
My heart hurts!
375
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,904
You want Nick to make you
a bayberry breeze?
376
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,156
- 'Cause he is so smart.
- So smart.
377
00:13:44,207 --> 00:13:46,191
Yes, I do. Yes, I do!
378
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:52,297
This.
379
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:55,300
I'm not happy! 30 sucks!
380
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:58,253
Ah, weird party move.
381
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:05,144
# It's time
to try defying gravity #
382
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:10,399
# I think I'll try
defying gravity #
383
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:11,550
It's been two hours.
384
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:12,901
This is officially crazy.
385
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,403
Also, I have to go
to the bathroom.
386
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,821
Just pee yourself.
387
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,189
So you'd rather sit in my urine
388
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,657
for the rest of the car ride
389
00:14:18,659 --> 00:14:20,943
than admit to Winston
that we're sleeping together?
390
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,745
Yep, absolutely.
Don't even have to think about it.
391
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:26,415
I don't want to ruin
what we have, okay?
392
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,450
Because if people find out,
393
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,252
they're gonna have
a lot of questions,
394
00:14:30,336 --> 00:14:32,371
like, "Cece, why are
you sleeping with him?"
395
00:14:32,422 --> 00:14:35,123
And, "Seriously, why?"
396
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,959
You think we have something
to ruin?
397
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,511
Earlier, I was dressed
as a sex-cretary.
398
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,631
And I was wearing shoulder pads.
399
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,850
So I obviously
400
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:47,052
must like sleeping with you.
401
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,222
A secre-tarty.
402
00:14:50,273 --> 00:14:52,808
Shut... up.
403
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,663
This is pretty great.
404
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,131
I'm freezing.
405
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,983
- Yeah.
- I'm so cold.
406
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,901
How are you not freezing?
407
00:15:02,952 --> 00:15:05,604
Does brown skin retain heat?
408
00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,073
# Instead of dreary
who-you-were, well, are #
409
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:11,743
# There's nothing that can stop
you from becoming popular #
410
00:15:11,794 --> 00:15:13,412
# Lar #
411
00:15:13,463 --> 00:15:15,414
# La, la #
412
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:17,966
# La, ah-ah, ah... #
413
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:23,755
Take out your tampon
and drink, Trevor!
414
00:15:23,806 --> 00:15:26,791
The Flip Queen has spoken!
415
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,727
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
416
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,178
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
417
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:34,266
Shelby.
418
00:15:34,317 --> 00:15:35,767
Babe, I don't want space.
419
00:15:35,818 --> 00:15:37,185
Neither do I!
420
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,521
That's why
I'm at your apartment.
421
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,273
I got on a plane.
I wanted to see you.
422
00:15:41,324 --> 00:15:42,991
What?!
423
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,577
Babe, look, I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.
424
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:46,695
Are you serious?
425
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:47,746
I miss you, Shelby.
426
00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:49,147
You're so sexy, girl.
427
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,316
In or out of the wig.
428
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,335
I don't care. Shelby.
429
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,320
You make me so feel brave, babe,
430
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,422
and I've never felt like this
about anybody else before.
431
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,324
I love you.
432
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:02,878
And I carry your soul-song
with me wherever I go.
433
00:16:02,946 --> 00:16:04,329
I love you, too.
434
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,331
I'm coming back, baby.
No space!
435
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:11,970
Are you traveling with any
non-US citizens?
436
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,391
You actually catch people
with that line?
437
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,677
No, sir, just me
and my American heart...
438
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:20,729
full of love.
439
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,066
Then how do you explain...
440
00:16:26,150 --> 00:16:27,653
this?
441
00:16:29,372 --> 00:16:31,490
I can't... sir.
442
00:16:33,543 --> 00:16:37,012
No one in the entire world
can explain that.
443
00:16:41,111 --> 00:16:43,446
I am so tall!
444
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,199
I feel like a Chinese
basketball player.
445
00:16:47,784 --> 00:16:49,585
Russell?
446
00:16:52,205 --> 00:16:52,821
Oh.
447
00:16:59,963 --> 00:17:01,464
Hey, Jess.
448
00:17:01,515 --> 00:17:03,132
I'm not Jess.
449
00:17:03,183 --> 00:17:06,519
I'm her cousin... Sylvia?
450
00:17:08,305 --> 00:17:09,555
Are you doing okay?
451
00:17:10,139 --> 00:17:11,690
I want a donut.
452
00:17:12,275 --> 00:17:15,511
Then let's get you a donut.
453
00:17:15,579 --> 00:17:17,279
Please?
454
00:17:17,347 --> 00:17:20,199
I want to talk
to you... alone.
455
00:17:23,652 --> 00:17:25,236
Well, this is a fun group.
456
00:17:25,321 --> 00:17:26,822
Hmm. Can you drop me off
at my dorm?
457
00:17:26,873 --> 00:17:27,706
It's called Hamilton.
458
00:17:28,291 --> 00:17:30,376
I'd like to vomit now.
459
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:39,201
God!
460
00:17:39,252 --> 00:17:41,720
I've never jumped out
of a moving car before!
461
00:17:41,805 --> 00:17:44,090
That was bad-ass!
462
00:17:44,174 --> 00:17:45,641
- Hey, uh, kiddo.
- Okay.
463
00:17:45,708 --> 00:17:47,225
- Nick, that's the road.
- What's up?
464
00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:48,144
You want the woods.
465
00:17:48,211 --> 00:17:49,562
I want the woods.
You're smart, Russ.
466
00:17:49,646 --> 00:17:51,097
- Come here.
- Hey, it was nothing.
467
00:17:51,181 --> 00:17:53,382
You're okay, Russ.
468
00:17:53,433 --> 00:17:56,519
Okay, we can hug
some more later.
469
00:17:56,570 --> 00:17:58,237
This isn't her, you know.
470
00:17:58,321 --> 00:17:59,905
She's not like us.
471
00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:02,208
She's one of the good ones.
472
00:18:03,827 --> 00:18:06,612
Time to make the puke, Russell.
473
00:18:06,696 --> 00:18:08,364
So listen,
man, it's-it's really
474
00:18:08,415 --> 00:18:09,423
important to us
475
00:18:09,426 --> 00:18:11,567
that our completely equal
sexual relationship
476
00:18:11,618 --> 00:18:13,735
where neither one of us
has the upper hand,
477
00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:16,922
uh, remain a secret,
and while I respect
478
00:18:17,007 --> 00:18:19,341
the fact that you listen to
Wicked while you're alone,
479
00:18:19,409 --> 00:18:22,294
I could use that information
against you
480
00:18:22,379 --> 00:18:24,246
at any point in time.
481
00:18:24,297 --> 00:18:25,798
By the way, there's a stop sign,
like, right up...
482
00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:27,216
Is that a stop sign?
483
00:18:27,284 --> 00:18:28,818
Well, you'd probably want
to slow down...
484
00:18:28,869 --> 00:18:30,453
Oh, my God.
Maybe it's a go sign.
485
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,071
I don't think it's a go sign.
486
00:18:32,155 --> 00:18:34,240
Because if somebody like you
487
00:18:34,324 --> 00:18:37,126
is sleeping with
someone like her,
488
00:18:37,193 --> 00:18:39,328
then maybe the whole damn
world is upside down!
489
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:41,163
It's just what I'm thinking.
490
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,717
And I want to talk to you.
491
00:18:44,801 --> 00:18:46,418
I want to have a chance
to explain.
492
00:18:46,503 --> 00:18:48,170
That's okay. I understand.
493
00:18:48,221 --> 00:18:50,556
I just... I thought
494
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,709
you wanted a sophisticated lady,
but now I realize that
495
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,012
you like dating younger girls
'cause we think you're cool.
496
00:18:57,063 --> 00:18:58,314
And you know what?
497
00:18:58,381 --> 00:19:00,566
It's working because...
498
00:19:00,650 --> 00:19:03,152
I think you're a hotty
with a body.
499
00:19:03,219 --> 00:19:05,688
Oh. Um...
500
00:19:06,755 --> 00:19:08,657
I got to tell you,
I didn't ask you out
501
00:19:08,659 --> 00:19:09,708
because you're younger than me.
502
00:19:09,710 --> 00:19:11,243
I asked you out
because I like you.
503
00:19:11,828 --> 00:19:15,915
But I-I've forgotten really
how... how to do this, you know.
504
00:19:15,999 --> 00:19:18,951
I haven't dated since 1989...
505
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,771
when I took her to the
picture show in my buggy.
506
00:19:22,839 --> 00:19:26,375
1989 was, my friend,
507
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:29,678
the year that I learned
to use the toaster by myself.
508
00:19:29,746 --> 00:19:32,014
Oh.
509
00:19:32,081 --> 00:19:34,300
The text I got at dinner
was from my ex-wife.
510
00:19:34,384 --> 00:19:35,684
Sarah's with her this weekend,
511
00:19:35,752 --> 00:19:37,219
I didn't pack her inhaler.
512
00:19:37,270 --> 00:19:38,487
She was having
an asthma attack.
513
00:19:38,555 --> 00:19:40,222
- Is Sarah okay?
- Yeah.
514
00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,691
Yeah. Thanks. I-I...
515
00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:45,311
I just feel like I
should have explained.
516
00:19:45,395 --> 00:19:46,929
And I really wanted to kiss you
517
00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:48,764
- the other night.
- Really?
518
00:19:48,815 --> 00:19:50,816
I wanted to do more
than kiss you.
519
00:19:50,901 --> 00:19:52,601
I'd like to do you,
at some point.
520
00:19:52,652 --> 00:19:54,236
Like, you know, really,
521
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:55,938
really give it to you good.
522
00:19:57,774 --> 00:19:59,959
Uh, but I've forgotten
how to tell
523
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,478
whether it's the right moment.
524
00:20:02,546 --> 00:20:04,280
I was nervous.
525
00:20:04,347 --> 00:20:06,248
You were nervous?
526
00:20:06,299 --> 00:20:08,617
Nick was right.
527
00:20:08,668 --> 00:20:11,453
He can be really wise sometimes.
528
00:20:11,504 --> 00:20:13,172
Oh, my God, it's happening!
529
00:20:13,256 --> 00:20:15,891
It's coming!
I think I'm dying!
530
00:20:15,959 --> 00:20:17,993
I feel scared and excited!
531
00:20:21,564 --> 00:20:22,765
What do you think?
532
00:20:22,816 --> 00:20:24,683
What do I think of what?
533
00:20:24,768 --> 00:20:26,402
Do you think now
is the right moment?
534
00:20:26,469 --> 00:20:28,170
I think so.
535
00:20:28,238 --> 00:20:29,905
Okay.
536
00:20:29,973 --> 00:20:32,741
Get out of me, you poison!
537
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:38,113
Wait. Is that your hand?
538
00:20:38,564 --> 00:20:39,915
No.
539
00:20:39,983 --> 00:20:41,333
That's my hand.
540
00:20:41,418 --> 00:20:43,485
- Oh, my God!
- You're welcome.
541
00:20:43,536 --> 00:20:45,621
Get out of here, Dirk!
542
00:20:45,672 --> 00:20:46,989
You get out of here...
543
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,208
Come here.
544
00:20:55,181 --> 00:20:57,666
Hey!
545
00:20:57,717 --> 00:21:00,168
Oh, no!
546
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:03,355
Where are you guys?
547
00:21:06,910 --> 00:21:08,277
Hello?
548
00:21:08,328 --> 00:21:09,645
Hey, where are you guys?
549
00:21:09,713 --> 00:21:11,997
Hey, could I have walked
out into the mountains?
550
00:21:12,082 --> 00:21:14,216
When does a hill
become a mountain?
551
00:21:14,284 --> 00:21:17,419
It just happened.
552
00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:18,954
I'm so cold.
553
00:21:19,005 --> 00:21:20,155
Who is this?
554
00:21:25,595 --> 00:21:28,830
Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!
555
00:21:28,882 --> 00:21:31,365
Dirk is dead!
556
00:21:34,082 --> 00:21:35,865
Smartest guy I knew.
557
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:41,468
Norther