1 00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:05,177 But you're using birth control, right? 2 00:00:05,245 --> 00:00:07,101 Yeah, of course. 3 00:00:07,159 --> 00:00:09,921 It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic 4 00:00:09,979 --> 00:00:11,580 that birth control becomes like one 5 00:00:11,609 --> 00:00:14,744 of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane. 6 00:00:16,322 --> 00:00:17,923 I didn't want to know that. 7 00:00:17,990 --> 00:00:19,090 Okay, 8 00:00:19,158 --> 00:00:20,659 the pregnancy test doesn't work 9 00:00:20,727 --> 00:00:22,628 until after six days, 10 00:00:22,695 --> 00:00:24,530 so just get through the weekend 11 00:00:24,597 --> 00:00:26,665 and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure. 12 00:00:26,733 --> 00:00:28,633 Yeah, no, of course not, of course. 13 00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:31,869 It's just... 14 00:00:31,937 --> 00:00:34,038 I can't stop thinking 15 00:00:34,105 --> 00:00:37,241 about what a Schmidt baby would be like. 16 00:00:37,309 --> 00:00:41,512 Just, I mean, I, I don't know. 17 00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:45,014 Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day? 18 00:00:45,082 --> 00:00:47,517 Probably. 19 00:00:47,585 --> 00:00:49,619 We could make it, like, a douche baby jar. 20 00:00:53,090 --> 00:00:55,525 Oh, my God. 21 00:00:55,593 --> 00:00:57,026 Ladies, ladies, 22 00:00:57,094 --> 00:00:57,828 what is all the screaming about? 23 00:00:57,895 --> 00:00:59,329 Oh, my... Jess, 24 00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:01,129 have you finally agreed to be our third? 25 00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:02,565 Because, you know, we've discussed this. 26 00:01:02,632 --> 00:01:03,866 We have never talked about that, Schmidt. 27 00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:05,033 What? Schmidt, this is not the time. 28 00:01:05,101 --> 00:01:06,969 Schmidt, we were just thinking 29 00:01:07,036 --> 00:01:08,637 about what you might have been like as a baby. 30 00:01:08,705 --> 00:01:11,574 Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby. 31 00:01:11,641 --> 00:01:13,175 I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing 32 00:01:13,242 --> 00:01:14,242 at eight months old. 33 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:22,858 But they say that I needed a magnum size diaper. 34 00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:25,337 - Oh, my God. - Get out. Seriously? 35 00:01:25,422 --> 00:01:27,757 # Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? # 36 00:01:29,385 --> 00:01:32,069 1x21 - Kids - 37 00:01:33,634 --> 00:01:34,757 All right, what's with the suit? 38 00:01:34,796 --> 00:01:36,076 And if you say swing dancing, 39 00:01:36,082 --> 00:01:37,131 I'm gonna slap your face. 40 00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,070 Well, my boss is going to be on TV today... 41 00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:42,040 Michael Strahan's new talk show On the Strahan Narrow. 42 00:01:42,104 --> 00:01:43,470 - Great show. - He's got too many DUls 43 00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,906 to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him. 44 00:01:45,974 --> 00:01:46,940 Sit in my room, Schmidt. 45 00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:47,975 Cece's resting. 46 00:01:48,043 --> 00:01:51,044 Hey, guys, um, listen up. 47 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:54,747 Uh, Sarah is going to be here in a few minutes, so best behavior. 48 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,582 Who's Sarah? Russell's daughter, 49 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,284 so no F-bombs, P-bombs. 50 00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,854 Actually, no "B" through "S" bombs, no bombs, 51 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,257 and no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi. 52 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,424 Hey, that's not fair. 53 00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:06,925 The girl I've been hanging out with 54 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,461 is totally mature and interesting. 55 00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:10,595 Please put on some pants. 56 00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:12,307 Everything you say sounds really creepy 57 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:14,581 - when you're not wearing pants. - Your hair looks nice. 58 00:02:14,669 --> 00:02:17,722 Ugh. - Mmm, this coffee is smoldering. 59 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:18,879 So creepy. 60 00:02:18,933 --> 00:02:19,933 So what's with the babysitting? 61 00:02:19,987 --> 00:02:21,345 I think he's actually testing me. 62 00:02:21,419 --> 00:02:22,881 I think he's seeing if I can be a mom. 63 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:24,659 - Are you nervous? - It's nothing I can't handle. 64 00:02:24,976 --> 00:02:26,610 I'm halfway there... I'm already her teacher, 65 00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:27,978 so... 66 00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:29,147 Oh, she's here. 67 00:02:29,214 --> 00:02:32,716 Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants 68 00:02:32,784 --> 00:02:34,785 or at least some really high socks. 69 00:02:34,853 --> 00:02:36,220 High socks it is. 70 00:02:36,288 --> 00:02:37,620 Hi, Ms. Day. 71 00:02:37,688 --> 00:02:38,821 Hi, Sarah. 72 00:02:38,889 --> 00:02:40,057 I can be here in under five minutes 73 00:02:40,124 --> 00:02:41,391 if I need to be. 74 00:02:43,027 --> 00:02:44,761 Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, 75 00:02:44,828 --> 00:02:46,229 except my husband is out of town, 76 00:02:46,297 --> 00:02:48,465 and you're Sarah's favorite teacher 77 00:02:48,533 --> 00:02:50,833 and my husband's favorite teacher. 78 00:02:52,503 --> 00:02:54,903 Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, 79 00:02:54,971 --> 00:02:58,107 but, um, you keep saying "husband" 80 00:02:58,175 --> 00:03:00,076 and I just want to make sure you and Russell... 81 00:03:00,143 --> 00:03:01,377 you're not still married? 82 00:03:01,445 --> 00:03:03,579 Oh... no, no. 83 00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:07,849 'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't 84 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,213 some very important piece of information 85 00:03:09,318 --> 00:03:10,749 that I totally missed. 86 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:13,827 No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband, 87 00:03:13,937 --> 00:03:15,338 if you know what I mean. 88 00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:16,411 Yeah. 89 00:03:16,451 --> 00:03:19,320 Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly? 90 00:03:20,162 --> 00:03:22,197 Cece's acting really weird. 91 00:03:22,264 --> 00:03:23,931 Do you think she's getting tired of me? 92 00:03:23,999 --> 00:03:27,367 I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop sex. 93 00:03:27,435 --> 00:03:30,003 I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra? 94 00:03:30,071 --> 00:03:32,772 - I'm not listening to you. - I'm just, I'm just saying, look, 95 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,874 do you think she wants something more than sex? 96 00:03:34,942 --> 00:03:37,010 Do you think she's finally becoming a girl? 97 00:03:37,078 --> 00:03:38,512 'Cause I can't handle that, man. 98 00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:39,546 Hey, boss. What are you doing? 99 00:03:39,614 --> 00:03:40,780 - Hmm? - Look... 100 00:03:40,848 --> 00:03:42,948 W-W-Wait, n-n-no, yesterday you said noon, 101 00:03:43,016 --> 00:03:44,883 - but it's only 10:30. - Do you think that I've become too dependent 102 00:03:44,951 --> 00:03:46,619 - on a hot lava massage? - Hmm? 103 00:03:46,686 --> 00:03:48,954 - I'm gonna be there in just a second. - What about costumes? 104 00:03:49,022 --> 00:03:51,056 - I got to go, bye. - Do you think I made her dress up too much? 105 00:03:51,125 --> 00:03:52,325 Look, man, I'm not going to sit here 106 00:03:52,392 --> 00:03:53,792 and bond with you about this, all right? 107 00:03:53,860 --> 00:03:56,458 I got to go babysit my boss. 108 00:03:56,632 --> 00:03:58,277 Hey, Schmidt, you gonna stay for dinner? 109 00:03:58,322 --> 00:03:59,623 We're going to borrow your pasta maker. 110 00:03:59,696 --> 00:04:01,616 Oh, that's great, are you gonna teach Sarah 111 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,409 your recipe for overcooked mush? 112 00:04:03,432 --> 00:04:05,507 Ha, ha, no, I'm teaching her about Italy. 113 00:04:05,538 --> 00:04:06,605 I'm coming with a date... 114 00:04:06,672 --> 00:04:08,006 Chloe. Uh, no, you're not. 115 00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,042 You are not bringing any of those girls around Sarah. 116 00:04:10,086 --> 00:04:11,185 Hey, you must be Sarah. 117 00:04:11,244 --> 00:04:12,411 And you guys are wrong 118 00:04:12,423 --> 00:04:15,723 about Chloe. Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature 119 00:04:15,747 --> 00:04:19,137 and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy 120 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:20,744 and the guy who did the Obama poster 121 00:04:20,818 --> 00:04:22,750 and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy. 122 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,956 That's stupid. 123 00:04:26,524 --> 00:04:28,292 Your eyes are so brown. 124 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,892 They look like poop. 125 00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:32,228 Be honest with me... do my eyes look like poo? 126 00:04:32,296 --> 00:04:34,096 There's a bit of a, a poopy-ish hue. 127 00:04:34,165 --> 00:04:35,532 Old poo eyes. 128 00:04:42,773 --> 00:04:43,806 Oh, hey. 129 00:04:43,874 --> 00:04:46,074 I like your house. 130 00:04:46,142 --> 00:04:47,276 It's not my house! 131 00:04:47,343 --> 00:04:48,043 - Go, go! - What? 132 00:04:49,479 --> 00:04:51,046 Go! 133 00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:55,484 - What's going on? - What are you talking about, man? 134 00:04:55,552 --> 00:04:58,253 I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw, wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes. 135 00:04:58,321 --> 00:05:00,589 What do you think is going on? I don't know, I'm just trying to give you 136 00:05:00,657 --> 00:05:03,324 an opportunity to lie to me, Joe, just trying to be polite. 137 00:05:03,392 --> 00:05:06,260 Actually, the ancient Egyptians made pasta 138 00:05:06,328 --> 00:05:09,530 by flattening the dough with their feet. 139 00:05:09,598 --> 00:05:10,864 Cool, huh? 140 00:05:11,632 --> 00:05:13,568 Sarah? 141 00:05:18,272 --> 00:05:20,574 Hey. 142 00:05:20,641 --> 00:05:22,709 Why do you have so many bras? 143 00:05:22,776 --> 00:05:24,043 You're a teacher. 144 00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:25,579 Teachers need bras, too. 145 00:05:25,646 --> 00:05:28,682 You know, like, all that erasing and stuff. 146 00:05:28,749 --> 00:05:30,016 It's like... 147 00:05:30,084 --> 00:05:32,151 That's an after- school bra. 148 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,153 Can I get out of doing homework 149 00:05:35,222 --> 00:05:36,555 because you're dating my dad? 150 00:05:36,623 --> 00:05:37,623 No. 151 00:05:37,691 --> 00:05:40,459 Um, hey, I know having your teacher 152 00:05:40,527 --> 00:05:44,129 dating your dad is weird, um, but 153 00:05:44,197 --> 00:05:47,966 I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything. 154 00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:49,534 Really? 155 00:05:49,602 --> 00:05:51,302 Yeah, anything. 156 00:05:51,370 --> 00:05:52,704 Are you in love with my dad? 157 00:05:52,771 --> 00:05:54,239 Hmm... oh... 158 00:05:54,306 --> 00:05:56,774 Do you and my dad ever dry-lump? 159 00:05:56,842 --> 00:05:59,110 G... uh... 160 00:05:59,177 --> 00:06:01,379 - Is sexting cool? - What? No, it's not cool. 161 00:06:01,447 --> 00:06:03,481 Have you done a 99? 162 00:06:03,549 --> 00:06:05,182 I think that's a tax form. 163 00:06:05,250 --> 00:06:07,917 Have you ever given anyone plow jobs? 164 00:06:07,985 --> 00:06:09,152 I don't know. 165 00:06:09,220 --> 00:06:11,555 How do you make love to a person animal-style? 166 00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,625 Do you want to learn how to play bridge? 167 00:06:17,557 --> 00:06:19,990 I've been doing some thinking, and 168 00:06:20,558 --> 00:06:21,758 I think it's time 169 00:06:21,825 --> 00:06:23,926 that I take you on a real date. 170 00:06:24,494 --> 00:06:26,228 You're asking me out on a date? 171 00:06:26,296 --> 00:06:27,363 Yeah, it'll be our first real date. 172 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:29,298 Now, Italy on Ice is a celebration 173 00:06:29,366 --> 00:06:31,233 of all things Italian 174 00:06:31,301 --> 00:06:32,368 featuring ice dancing's 175 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:35,104 biggest and brightest Italian stars. 176 00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:37,272 Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, 177 00:06:37,339 --> 00:06:39,074 but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't. 178 00:06:39,142 --> 00:06:40,976 I can't go right now. 179 00:06:41,543 --> 00:06:43,311 It's a really bad time, okay? 180 00:06:43,379 --> 00:06:46,014 I'm sorry, just take someone else. 181 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:48,183 You mean, like another girl? 182 00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:51,252 Yeah, Schmidt, that's what this is. 183 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,753 That's the deal. 184 00:06:52,821 --> 00:06:54,789 Just take someone else, okay? 185 00:06:54,856 --> 00:06:56,256 All right, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll just... 186 00:06:56,324 --> 00:06:58,059 I'll ask somebody else, I'll just... yeah, 187 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,894 totally, and with 188 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,262 these VIP tickets I got... poppacorno. 189 00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:04,165 - What? - Poppacorno. 190 00:07:04,232 --> 00:07:05,566 Poppacorno. 191 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,001 It's "popcorn" in Italian. 192 00:07:08,536 --> 00:07:11,204 I don't think you should be rushing into these things. 193 00:07:11,271 --> 00:07:13,173 You need to look for a partner who is... 194 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,508 Ew, you said "partner." 195 00:07:15,576 --> 00:07:16,843 I know, that sucked. 196 00:07:16,911 --> 00:07:18,311 I'm sorry. 197 00:07:18,378 --> 00:07:22,381 Look, as your friend Jess, not Ms. Day, 198 00:07:22,449 --> 00:07:25,483 just choose someone who makes you laugh. 199 00:07:25,551 --> 00:07:28,954 - Like Nick? - Yeah, I mean... wait, what? 200 00:07:29,022 --> 00:07:31,389 Oh, my God, oh, my God, I love Nick so, so, so much. 201 00:07:31,457 --> 00:07:32,557 He's so hot. 202 00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:33,525 - That Nick? - I want to rub 203 00:07:33,593 --> 00:07:37,229 my face on his face. 204 00:07:40,566 --> 00:07:42,233 Just to be clear, I am dialing 205 00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,468 another woman to go see Italy on Ice right now. 206 00:07:44,536 --> 00:07:45,402 That's fine, do it. 207 00:07:45,470 --> 00:07:46,871 Hey, guys, not now. 208 00:07:46,939 --> 00:07:48,973 - Oh, it's ringing. - Don't care. 209 00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:51,008 This room cannot take any more hormones. 210 00:07:51,076 --> 00:07:53,110 I love the juxtaposition of high-brow literary 211 00:07:53,177 --> 00:07:54,746 with low-brow youth culture. 212 00:07:54,813 --> 00:07:57,013 It's almost too much juxtaposition for me. 213 00:07:57,081 --> 00:07:58,148 You know what I mean? 214 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,383 It's, like, right up to the line of juxtaposition, 215 00:08:00,451 --> 00:08:02,252 but I think I'm gonna let it slide. 216 00:08:02,319 --> 00:08:04,487 Hey, I got to... yes. 217 00:08:04,555 --> 00:08:05,655 You've got Nick. 218 00:08:05,723 --> 00:08:08,139 Hey, Nick-ole. 219 00:08:08,236 --> 00:08:09,904 - What it be, girl? - What's going on, Schmidt? 220 00:08:09,994 --> 00:08:11,209 What you got going on, ma? 221 00:08:11,299 --> 00:08:12,880 It's the freakin' weekend. 222 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:15,459 - Did you just call me "girl"? - Are you wearing something sexy? 223 00:08:15,732 --> 00:08:18,267 Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always. 224 00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:20,569 Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight? 225 00:08:20,637 --> 00:08:21,971 Hmm, they're a little loose; I buy 'em big. 226 00:08:22,038 --> 00:08:24,339 Oh, them jeans sound sexy. 227 00:08:24,407 --> 00:08:26,382 Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt? 228 00:08:26,424 --> 00:08:28,576 You taking care of that tushy... taking care of that tushy for me? 229 00:08:28,645 --> 00:08:29,543 I'm not doing, like, 230 00:08:29,611 --> 00:08:31,012 squats or anything. 231 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,213 I'm trying to eat less doughnuts. 232 00:08:32,281 --> 00:08:33,181 You still keeping it tight? 233 00:08:34,483 --> 00:08:35,850 You're an idiot. 234 00:08:35,918 --> 00:08:38,052 What? 235 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,520 I thought this is what you wanted. 236 00:08:39,588 --> 00:08:40,889 This is a really good example 237 00:08:40,956 --> 00:08:43,557 of people who should not be making love. 238 00:08:43,625 --> 00:08:45,458 - Have fun. - Cece, are you okay? 239 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:46,794 Damn it! 240 00:08:46,861 --> 00:08:48,295 You don't understand... I love Nick 241 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,729 so, so, so much. 242 00:08:49,798 --> 00:08:51,398 He's so hot, I'm going to die. 243 00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:53,566 Sarah, Nick is way too old for you. 244 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,002 I live with him. 245 00:08:55,069 --> 00:08:56,670 - He is dirty and weird. - No, no, no, no... 246 00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,138 Sarah, not Nick's room. 247 00:08:58,206 --> 00:09:00,274 It's not well ventilated in there. 248 00:09:00,341 --> 00:09:02,108 Let's see, we'll get there a little early, 249 00:09:02,176 --> 00:09:03,742 maybe get you in the shower, 250 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,377 maybe a once-over with some disinfectant. 251 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,013 Hmm... hey. 252 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,547 Yard sale... pull over. 253 00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:09,581 No. 254 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:11,417 Someone rich died, I can smell it. 255 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,784 Okay, look, Joe, I'm trying to get you to the show on time. 256 00:09:13,827 --> 00:09:16,308 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? - I'll push you out of the car, 257 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:17,422 okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa. 258 00:09:17,489 --> 00:09:19,959 Oh, yeah, yeah, baby, yard sale, yeah. 259 00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:21,170 Oh, I feel so alive. 260 00:09:21,203 --> 00:09:22,416 Aah, I got a charley horse. 261 00:09:22,486 --> 00:09:23,320 Oh, God. 262 00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:26,164 Hey, Sarah. 263 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,699 Can you come out of Nick's room? 264 00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:29,534 I'm going to roll in his dirty clothes. 265 00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,739 - Jess, Schmidt asked me out. - Oh. 266 00:09:31,791 --> 00:09:34,216 Like, he came over and he asked me out, 267 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,285 and I really can't go 268 00:09:35,291 --> 00:09:36,358 - on a date with him right now. - Okay... 269 00:09:38,109 --> 00:09:39,810 Sarah! I've had enough of this little... 270 00:09:39,878 --> 00:09:41,078 - Shh! - Listen to me, listen to me, 271 00:09:41,146 --> 00:09:42,579 all right, you little brat, 272 00:09:42,647 --> 00:09:44,481 you just need to be quiet because I need my friend 273 00:09:44,549 --> 00:09:46,650 to focus on me right now! 274 00:09:46,718 --> 00:09:47,985 What are you doing, Cece? 275 00:09:48,053 --> 00:09:49,452 You know how much this means to me. 276 00:09:49,519 --> 00:09:50,686 Don't let your dysfunction 277 00:09:50,754 --> 00:09:52,255 rub off on her. 278 00:09:52,323 --> 00:09:54,090 I am going to be a terrible mother. 279 00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:55,825 - No, no, no, shh. - A terrible mom! 280 00:09:56,617 --> 00:09:58,017 I'm gonna be just like my mother. 281 00:09:58,060 --> 00:09:59,100 You're gonna be a great mom. 282 00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:00,159 You're gonna be a fashionable mom. 283 00:10:00,177 --> 00:10:01,695 I can make this right, okay? 284 00:10:01,732 --> 00:10:02,698 Just... 285 00:10:02,766 --> 00:10:05,033 Sarah? 286 00:10:05,101 --> 00:10:06,201 Hey, Sarah. 287 00:10:06,269 --> 00:10:07,736 Um, look, 288 00:10:07,803 --> 00:10:11,473 you should definitely not be having sex right now 289 00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:13,705 at this age, but when you do, 290 00:10:13,749 --> 00:10:15,613 just make sure you always use protection 291 00:10:15,655 --> 00:10:18,153 because, even if he says it's tantric 292 00:10:18,174 --> 00:10:19,224 and you're Indian 293 00:10:19,249 --> 00:10:20,198 and you know better, 294 00:10:20,298 --> 00:10:22,592 you're just going to end up pregnant anyways. 295 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:23,931 What? 296 00:10:26,288 --> 00:10:28,455 Cece, are you pregnant? 297 00:10:28,523 --> 00:10:29,456 Whoa! 298 00:10:29,524 --> 00:10:31,325 Sarah, Nick has one tie. 299 00:10:31,393 --> 00:10:32,559 See if you can find it. 300 00:10:32,627 --> 00:10:33,394 No, okay, 301 00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:34,586 I don't know. 302 00:10:34,623 --> 00:10:37,720 We have to wait for the test results, but I'm late. 303 00:10:39,033 --> 00:10:40,500 Oh, my... 304 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,802 We made a caramel miracle. 305 00:10:42,870 --> 00:10:47,040 You pregnant, you pregnant. 306 00:10:47,108 --> 00:10:48,942 Oh, my God. 307 00:10:51,599 --> 00:10:52,746 You got Cece pregnant? 308 00:10:52,749 --> 00:10:54,750 We used protection. I don't know how this happened. 309 00:10:54,818 --> 00:10:56,819 - Think she did it on purpose? - An Indian-Jewish baby... 310 00:10:56,887 --> 00:10:58,654 who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure. 311 00:10:58,722 --> 00:10:59,988 Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent. 312 00:11:00,056 --> 00:11:01,256 Don't ask. 313 00:11:01,324 --> 00:11:02,957 - No one's asking you. - Phew, good. 314 00:11:03,025 --> 00:11:05,226 - I'm not into being an uncle. - You're not my brother! 315 00:11:05,294 --> 00:11:07,228 Okay, Schmidt, are you sure you're okay about this? 316 00:11:07,296 --> 00:11:08,730 'Cause I'm freaking out by the fact 317 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,264 that you're not freaking out! 318 00:11:10,332 --> 00:11:12,300 Yeah, I'm oddly calm about the whole thing. 319 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:15,937 Look, Nick, maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, 320 00:11:16,004 --> 00:11:17,639 but maybe this is fate. 321 00:11:17,706 --> 00:11:19,473 You know, maybe I hit the jackpot. 322 00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:21,274 Maybe this is the universe telling me 323 00:11:21,342 --> 00:11:23,644 that I'm never gonna find a girl better than Cece. 324 00:11:23,711 --> 00:11:25,512 By, the way, I'm-I'm Schmidt. 325 00:11:25,580 --> 00:11:27,748 Chloe. Mazel tov on your news. 326 00:11:27,816 --> 00:11:29,616 Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas. 327 00:11:29,684 --> 00:11:31,985 - You bring home a nice girl. - Right? 328 00:11:39,425 --> 00:11:41,093 So... that was crazy 329 00:11:41,161 --> 00:11:42,829 what happened with my friends, right? 330 00:11:42,896 --> 00:11:44,597 I liked it. 331 00:11:44,665 --> 00:11:46,098 Your life's like Gossip Girl, 332 00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:47,767 only everyone is old and poor. 333 00:11:47,835 --> 00:11:50,169 You know, there actually was a show like that. 334 00:11:50,236 --> 00:11:51,970 It was called Golden Girls. 335 00:11:52,037 --> 00:11:55,841 I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan... 336 00:11:55,908 --> 00:11:57,275 Don't you think Nick is hot? 337 00:11:57,343 --> 00:12:00,778 Nick? Um... yeah, 338 00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:05,216 in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way. 339 00:12:05,284 --> 00:12:06,550 What's he like in the morning? 340 00:12:06,618 --> 00:12:08,086 Do his eyes get sleepy? 341 00:12:08,153 --> 00:12:09,454 Does he love stuff? 342 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,789 I want to love what he loves. 343 00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:14,124 Do you think that we'll ever do animal style? 344 00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:16,093 Four minutes! We eat in four! 345 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,828 I made you a mocktail. 346 00:12:20,431 --> 00:12:21,631 Cece, are you crying? 347 00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:23,367 No. No. 348 00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:25,635 No. I-I... I just... I don't... I don't know. 349 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:28,171 You're an amazing woman, 350 00:12:28,239 --> 00:12:32,541 and you're going to do and be so many things in this life. 351 00:12:33,309 --> 00:12:34,410 Maybe you'll be a mom, 352 00:12:34,478 --> 00:12:37,980 and maybe... maybe not. 353 00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:41,317 But I will support you no matter what. 354 00:12:45,453 --> 00:12:46,388 Thank you. 355 00:12:46,455 --> 00:12:49,257 I also just want to give you a quick heads up. 356 00:12:50,287 --> 00:12:52,121 I'm probably going to be going on the internet 357 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,513 before we have sex again, because 358 00:12:53,562 --> 00:12:55,897 I-I just... I don't want to impregnate the baby, you know? 359 00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:58,402 I mean, we could have 360 00:12:58,439 --> 00:13:01,041 a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands. 361 00:13:08,573 --> 00:13:10,174 So, Sarah and I learned 362 00:13:10,191 --> 00:13:12,484 to use the pasta maker today, which was cool. 363 00:13:12,536 --> 00:13:13,899 Are you and Nick making love? 364 00:13:13,924 --> 00:13:14,637 Hmm? 365 00:13:14,697 --> 00:13:16,449 Who wants seconds? That's my question. 366 00:13:16,513 --> 00:13:18,313 Yeah, I would love seconds, Jess. That'd be great. 367 00:13:18,375 --> 00:13:19,908 If you're a boy, I'm gonna... 368 00:13:20,020 --> 00:13:23,022 I'm gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, 369 00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:26,725 Menachem Menandel, Schmerson. 370 00:13:26,793 --> 00:13:30,896 Hey! I'm watching you. 371 00:13:30,964 --> 00:13:32,565 Well, time for dessert. 372 00:13:32,632 --> 00:13:34,766 No, please don't get up. I will take care of it. 373 00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,968 Oh, thank you. That's so thoughtful. 374 00:13:37,036 --> 00:13:38,903 See? Thoughtful and mature. 375 00:13:38,971 --> 00:13:41,206 In your face! Yes! 376 00:13:41,274 --> 00:13:44,476 Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. 377 00:13:44,544 --> 00:13:47,312 You win. Why don't you get on her health care plan? 378 00:13:49,281 --> 00:13:50,147 I'm so excited 379 00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,483 to take this journey with you. 380 00:13:52,551 --> 00:13:56,536 I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous. 381 00:13:56,573 --> 00:13:57,318 Sarah, 382 00:13:57,355 --> 00:13:59,756 do you want to go help Chloe with the dessert? I hate her. 383 00:13:59,824 --> 00:14:01,192 Oh, come on, you don't hate her. 384 00:14:01,259 --> 00:14:02,759 You don't know her well enough to hate her. 385 00:14:02,827 --> 00:14:04,161 Yes, I do! I know her. 386 00:14:04,229 --> 00:14:05,628 She used to ride on my school bus. 387 00:14:05,696 --> 00:14:06,740 No, no, no, that's... 388 00:14:06,788 --> 00:14:07,527 What? 389 00:14:07,565 --> 00:14:09,921 Oh, my God, that's 390 00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,101 why you look so familiar! 391 00:14:11,124 --> 00:14:12,003 You were that crazy 392 00:14:12,022 --> 00:14:13,590 little kindergartner who had, like, 393 00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:15,363 - the imaginary friends. - Oh. 394 00:14:15,432 --> 00:14:17,132 You're the skank with the skank face. 395 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:19,509 Sarah, I know you're trying to look cool in front of you 396 00:14:19,577 --> 00:14:20,343 you know who... 397 00:14:20,411 --> 00:14:21,643 What?! You told him?! 398 00:14:21,711 --> 00:14:23,545 - No! I did not tell him. - You just told him! 399 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:25,581 Oh, my God, Jess! 400 00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:28,917 What are you saying? 401 00:14:28,985 --> 00:14:30,652 When was the last time you were on a school bus? 402 00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:32,020 Last year. 403 00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,955 How old are you? 404 00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:36,625 18. 405 00:14:36,692 --> 00:14:38,159 Hey, you know what, Chloe? 406 00:14:38,227 --> 00:14:39,427 I actually think I subbed 407 00:14:39,495 --> 00:14:40,694 for your eighth grade English class. 408 00:14:40,762 --> 00:14:42,896 That's right! Hi, Miss Day! 409 00:14:42,964 --> 00:14:44,132 Hi. 410 00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:49,737 Well, it's a good thing I got you an extra shirt, 'cause... 411 00:14:49,804 --> 00:14:51,639 Whoa! Joe, Joe! 412 00:14:51,706 --> 00:14:53,306 Where you going? Where you going? Wait. 413 00:14:53,374 --> 00:14:55,442 Where are you going? Uh, sorry about this, man. 414 00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:58,278 Hey, don't make me chase you! Do not make me chase you! 415 00:14:58,346 --> 00:15:00,347 Joe, come back. 416 00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:04,651 Oh! Are you okay? 417 00:15:04,718 --> 00:15:07,120 Leave me alone. 418 00:15:07,188 --> 00:15:08,655 So, come on, man. What's up? 419 00:15:09,722 --> 00:15:11,957 Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot. 420 00:15:12,025 --> 00:15:16,162 Okay? I mean, he thinks he's better than me. 421 00:15:16,229 --> 00:15:17,396 He wins the Super Bowl, and suddenly, 422 00:15:17,464 --> 00:15:18,864 he's the best at everything. 423 00:15:18,931 --> 00:15:20,799 What's he better than you at? Huh? 424 00:15:20,867 --> 00:15:23,435 Marriage, probably. Money management, I would say. 425 00:15:23,503 --> 00:15:25,336 - Probably he's better than you at that. - Well... 426 00:15:25,404 --> 00:15:26,271 He's not better than you at yard sales. 427 00:15:26,338 --> 00:15:27,505 He's good at yard sales. 428 00:15:27,573 --> 00:15:28,739 Yeah, but he's not better than you. 429 00:15:28,807 --> 00:15:29,909 So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk 430 00:15:29,977 --> 00:15:31,177 into that studio, and you're gonna 431 00:15:31,244 --> 00:15:32,645 show him the Napoli that I saw today. 432 00:15:32,813 --> 00:15:34,781 The one that I saw grabbed seven copies 433 00:15:34,848 --> 00:15:37,582 of Speed on VHS at a yard sale 434 00:15:37,650 --> 00:15:39,750 for a fraction of the retail price. 435 00:15:40,318 --> 00:15:42,219 When's the last time Strahan did that? 436 00:15:42,287 --> 00:15:43,788 Boom. You're not gonna let him win. 437 00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:45,388 Yeah. You know, I'm gonna do it. 438 00:15:45,455 --> 00:15:46,722 - I'm gonna do it. - You're gonna do it? 439 00:15:46,723 --> 00:15:48,291 That guy's a b-hole. He's a b-hole! 440 00:15:48,358 --> 00:15:50,126 You know what? If you were a woman, 441 00:15:50,195 --> 00:15:53,297 or even dressed as a woman, man, we'd be unstoppable. 442 00:15:53,364 --> 00:15:55,165 Mm, mm. 443 00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:57,807 18 years old. She was 18 years old. 444 00:15:57,826 --> 00:16:00,027 She doesn't even know what Netscape is. 445 00:16:00,103 --> 00:16:02,703 Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor. 446 00:16:02,732 --> 00:16:05,082 This is a disaster! Ouli's downstairs. 447 00:16:05,108 --> 00:16:06,875 She just called me. She wants to be let up. 448 00:16:06,943 --> 00:16:08,678 Sarah's in my room, because she fell in love with you 449 00:16:08,745 --> 00:16:10,279 for some unknown reason. 450 00:16:10,347 --> 00:16:12,215 I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia, 451 00:16:12,282 --> 00:16:13,748 because you make children cry. 452 00:16:13,816 --> 00:16:16,150 And you... I might as well call you 453 00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:17,619 Indian In the Cupboard because 454 00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:19,287 you put an Indian in Ce... Never mind. 455 00:16:19,355 --> 00:16:21,723 I will not apologize for my powerful sperm. 456 00:16:21,790 --> 00:16:23,425 Why are young girls in love with me? I look like an old man. 457 00:16:23,492 --> 00:16:24,826 Shut up, both of you! 458 00:16:24,893 --> 00:16:25,927 We're gonna fix this, 'cause 459 00:16:25,994 --> 00:16:27,629 I'm not losing Russell because 460 00:16:27,697 --> 00:16:31,164 you two have to make and/or date babies. 461 00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:32,766 You... go stall Ouli. 462 00:16:32,834 --> 00:16:34,368 Try not to get her pregnant. 463 00:16:34,436 --> 00:16:35,769 You... come with me 464 00:16:35,837 --> 00:16:38,272 and get Sarah out of my room. Now! 465 00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:40,140 I gonna go do Ouli. 466 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,042 - Yeah, I'm gonna go do this. - Yeah. All right. 467 00:16:46,146 --> 00:16:47,580 - Ouli? - Yeah. 468 00:16:47,648 --> 00:16:49,515 Oh, my God, it's-it's Schmidt. 469 00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:51,083 How are you? 470 00:16:51,151 --> 00:16:53,319 Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. 471 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,121 Great. 472 00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:56,723 Yeah. Havasu. 473 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:59,091 '99. I was on the boat, remember? 474 00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:00,727 No. 475 00:17:00,794 --> 00:17:02,093 We were just... We were part... Yeah. I... 476 00:17:02,161 --> 00:17:04,162 - Winter Olympics. Uh-huh. - No. 477 00:17:04,230 --> 00:17:05,764 2006. 478 00:17:05,831 --> 00:17:07,466 Bobsled. 479 00:17:07,533 --> 00:17:09,200 Sarah, I know that you think 480 00:17:09,269 --> 00:17:11,069 you're in love with me right now, 481 00:17:11,137 --> 00:17:13,972 but I promise you, you're going to find someone better. 482 00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:16,642 No! No, I never will. 483 00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:18,376 I can be a bit of an anchor. 484 00:17:18,443 --> 00:17:19,877 I've been known to drag women down. 485 00:17:19,944 --> 00:17:21,345 That is true. Save me. 486 00:17:21,413 --> 00:17:22,780 What? This is so entertaining. 487 00:17:22,847 --> 00:17:24,148 Okay, Jess, honestly, help me. 488 00:17:24,215 --> 00:17:25,416 I don't know what to do. All right. 489 00:17:25,484 --> 00:17:27,685 Okay, just tell her something about 490 00:17:27,753 --> 00:17:29,553 life or something. 491 00:17:29,621 --> 00:17:31,221 Hey, Sarah? 492 00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:33,956 Sarah, I haven't loved somebody the way you love me 493 00:17:34,024 --> 00:17:39,195 in a very long time, and I miss that feeling. 494 00:17:39,263 --> 00:17:42,231 The feeling you have is good. It's just misplaced. 495 00:17:43,168 --> 00:17:45,467 It's better than being numb your whole life. 496 00:17:45,510 --> 00:17:46,944 You end up doing such weird things. 497 00:17:46,994 --> 00:17:49,394 You know what? Just stay in there. 498 00:17:49,449 --> 00:17:50,743 It's not that great out here. 499 00:17:50,789 --> 00:17:52,377 Stay in there as long as you can. 500 00:17:52,426 --> 00:17:53,859 He's kidding, Sarah. 501 00:17:53,908 --> 00:17:55,974 You should definitely, definitely come out. 502 00:17:56,112 --> 00:17:58,146 Oh, my God. The Melman funeral? 503 00:17:58,214 --> 00:18:00,582 - No. - We were both sitting next to... 504 00:18:00,650 --> 00:18:02,685 to Un... Un-Uncle Jack? 505 00:18:02,752 --> 00:18:04,620 - Yeah, sure. - I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel... 506 00:18:04,688 --> 00:18:08,823 Oh, my... I used to do your hair in Tribeca. 507 00:18:08,890 --> 00:18:11,859 - Sarah? Sarah, please come out. - Sarah, please. 508 00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:14,161 I can't come out. I'm too embarrassed. 509 00:18:14,229 --> 00:18:15,830 In front of us? We are literally 510 00:18:15,897 --> 00:18:18,165 the most embarrassing people on the planet. 511 00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:20,535 - Trust me. - Yeah, you don't have to be embarrassed around us. 512 00:18:20,602 --> 00:18:22,669 Sometimes I talk louder to blind people. 513 00:18:22,737 --> 00:18:26,206 I'm 30 years old, and I've peed in every pool I've been into. 514 00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:29,042 - Every single one. - Ew. 515 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,512 I originally grew these bangs 'cause I hate my forehead. 516 00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:34,981 I still think it's funny when I guy puts tennis balls 517 00:18:35,049 --> 00:18:36,550 under his shirt and pretends it's boobs. 518 00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,251 They look like little boobs. 519 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,786 I know. 520 00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,521 Come on, Sarah! 521 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:45,458 Look, I do so many stupid things. 522 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:46,992 You don't even know. 523 00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,861 I mean, like, falling for your dad. 524 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:53,465 That was... so crazy, and I understand why you're confused. 525 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,266 I'm confused. 526 00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,902 I'm not confused. I'm stuck. 527 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,472 What? Oh, my God. 528 00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:01,973 Oh. I don't know how to get them off. 529 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,375 Okay. Oh, okay. I'll get the front. 530 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:05,844 I'll get the back. 531 00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,311 Hey, hey, guys, she's coming. 532 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,279 Ouli's coming. I failed. 533 00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:09,446 I failed. I'm sorry. Uh... 534 00:19:09,514 --> 00:19:11,214 Hi, Ouli. Um... 535 00:19:11,282 --> 00:19:14,852 Who is the man taking the bras off my daughter? 536 00:19:14,919 --> 00:19:17,454 There is a God! I've got my period! 537 00:19:17,522 --> 00:19:19,490 It's so amazing! Oh, my God. 538 00:19:19,557 --> 00:19:22,125 Mmm. I got my period. 539 00:19:23,361 --> 00:19:25,661 - She got her period. - So happy! 540 00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:27,429 Welcome to our home. Would you like a drink? 541 00:19:30,739 --> 00:19:35,057 You have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful ex-husband. 542 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,341 I mean... 543 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,113 Bye, Nick. 544 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,748 I'm kind of over you now. 545 00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:43,349 Okay. 546 00:19:44,385 --> 00:19:46,953 - Thank you. - Thanks, Jess. I had a really great time. 547 00:19:47,021 --> 00:19:50,056 Thanks, Sarah. Good-bye. 548 00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:51,924 Your mom doesn't have to know everything. 549 00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:55,027 - Heard that. Let's go. - Okay. 550 00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:56,762 - Thanks for coming by. - Oh, sure. 551 00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:59,598 - Bye, Sarah. See you at school. - Bye. 552 00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:00,999 Bye, Ouli. You ruley. 553 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,934 Bye, Jess. You're a mess. 554 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:09,406 I'm not having kids... till I'm 80. 555 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,244 Now we can just go back to the way things were. 556 00:20:18,248 --> 00:20:19,416 You can go on your date. 557 00:20:20,984 --> 00:20:24,987 Right. Nicole, mm-hmm. 558 00:20:26,422 --> 00:20:28,257 No more stupid mistakes, right? 559 00:20:29,325 --> 00:20:30,959 Right. 560 00:20:32,729 --> 00:20:34,063 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. 561 00:20:34,131 --> 00:20:36,099 - Go do your thing. - Yeah. 562 00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:37,700 Oh, wait. Oh, okay. 563 00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:38,868 - Okay, Cece, let's just... - Yeah. 564 00:20:38,935 --> 00:20:40,136 You know, there's a marathon downtown, 565 00:20:40,204 --> 00:20:42,237 - and I don't want you to hit the traffic. - Okay. 566 00:20:42,305 --> 00:20:43,905 - Okay. Thank you. - So let's just, head down. 567 00:20:43,973 --> 00:20:45,707 - That's very thought of you. - Don't hit the top. 568 00:20:45,774 --> 00:20:47,876 Okay. All right, you in, you in, you in? Good, okay. 569 00:20:47,943 --> 00:20:50,645 Terrible car for a baby anyway. 570 00:20:59,488 --> 00:21:02,622 Oh. 571 00:21:06,828 --> 00:21:09,497 I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidty. 572 00:21:09,564 --> 00:21:11,032 It's so much more. 573 00:21:11,099 --> 00:21:14,001 She's okay. You're awesome! 574 00:21:14,068 --> 00:21:16,936 The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you. 575 00:21:17,004 --> 00:21:18,439 What a move! 576 00:21:18,706 --> 00:21:21,341 Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it? 577 00:21:21,509 --> 00:21:23,143 Hey, if you're play a gondolier, 578 00:21:23,210 --> 00:21:25,245 you better skate like a gondolier. 579 00:21:25,312 --> 00:21:27,881 You know, Schmidty? Here's this idea. 580 00:21:27,949 --> 00:21:30,249 We should buy skaters. 581 00:21:30,816 --> 00:21:33,252 Yeah! 582 00:21:33,319 --> 00:21:35,732 Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you. 583 00:21:37,301 --> 00:21:38,469 Norther