1 00:00:01,045 --> 00:00:03,413 Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. 2 00:00:03,585 --> 00:00:05,719 As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. 3 00:00:06,147 --> 00:00:07,681 I got dumped by Caroline, 4 00:00:07,749 --> 00:00:08,687 then Julia. 5 00:00:08,725 --> 00:00:10,022 I opened myself up to love, 6 00:00:10,217 --> 00:00:11,484 I was hurt badly, 7 00:00:11,552 --> 00:00:13,341 and I closed myself up again. 8 00:00:14,046 --> 00:00:15,879 The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi... 9 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,828 - Off topic. Off-putting. - Okay. I agree. 10 00:00:17,992 --> 00:00:19,225 So I've decided... 11 00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:21,426 to give up on women, 12 00:00:21,494 --> 00:00:23,362 and put all that energy into... 13 00:00:23,928 --> 00:00:24,960 tomatoes! 14 00:00:24,989 --> 00:00:26,069 You know what? It was on us 15 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:27,356 for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid. 16 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,164 Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something. 17 00:00:29,219 --> 00:00:30,525 Guys, I have a whole speech! 18 00:00:30,561 --> 00:00:32,235 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you guys. 19 00:00:32,337 --> 00:00:34,338 I told him not to lead with tomatoes, 20 00:00:34,406 --> 00:00:35,974 but he did. 21 00:00:36,042 --> 00:00:38,208 As his friends, don't you want to know why 22 00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:39,717 he wants to plant tomatoes? 23 00:00:39,779 --> 00:00:41,403 Is it because he wants tomatoes? 24 00:00:41,404 --> 00:00:43,404 This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning. 25 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,194 He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. 26 00:00:45,208 --> 00:00:46,675 He is turning over a new leaf. He is... 27 00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:48,376 Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now. 28 00:00:48,394 --> 00:00:50,238 - Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit. - Okay, but you did it again. 29 00:00:50,288 --> 00:00:52,189 - It's just ripe with plant metaphors. - Okay, but stop. 30 00:00:52,256 --> 00:00:53,991 I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing 31 00:00:54,059 --> 00:00:55,592 that there's a possibility of happiness. 32 00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:57,294 He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight. 33 00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:58,996 - Go. - Sorry. 34 00:00:59,064 --> 00:01:02,299 Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so... 35 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:03,900 No, you have no idea. 36 00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:05,623 No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time. 37 00:01:05,656 --> 00:01:07,969 - I think we all have a pretty good idea. - Pretty clear idea. 38 00:01:08,437 --> 00:01:11,040 Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. 39 00:01:11,108 --> 00:01:13,943 You almost made a person. Think about that! 40 00:01:14,011 --> 00:01:15,211 Jess... 41 00:01:15,278 --> 00:01:16,412 you're dating the man that 42 00:01:16,479 --> 00:01:17,680 I could see myself growing old with. 43 00:01:17,748 --> 00:01:19,148 Russell, you got a great-looking face. 44 00:01:19,216 --> 00:01:20,552 Your jawline could cut glass. 45 00:01:20,584 --> 00:01:21,646 Hold on tight, sister. 46 00:01:21,686 --> 00:01:22,750 Don't let that one slip away. 47 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:23,780 It's getting a little weird, Nick. 48 00:01:23,813 --> 00:01:25,135 So, without further ado... 49 00:01:25,888 --> 00:01:28,156 Water, the source of life. 50 00:01:30,126 --> 00:01:31,059 Whoa! 51 00:01:32,829 --> 00:01:33,762 It's okay, I got two of them. 52 00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:34,744 You know what? 53 00:01:34,778 --> 00:01:35,915 Go downstairs, if you want! 54 00:01:35,935 --> 00:01:36,783 I don't care! 55 00:01:36,821 --> 00:01:38,930 I got the tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! 56 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,534 Freeze frame! 57 00:01:40,602 --> 00:01:42,872 When I'm up in the air and the legs are there. 58 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:46,674 # Who's that girl? # 59 00:01:46,675 --> 00:01:48,976 # Who's that girl? # # It's Jess. # 60 00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:53,555 1x22 - Tomatoes - 61 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:58,551 Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex. 62 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,887 Uh, it's actually Schmidt. 63 00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,223 Um, we've met, uh, many times. 64 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,692 Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. 65 00:02:06,761 --> 00:02:09,161 You sound like dog being stepped on. 66 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:14,133 Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place. 67 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,068 I like to create a free environment in the sack. 68 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,202 Hey. 69 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:18,237 What's going on here? 70 00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:19,704 I like his face. 71 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,673 I want to punch, punch, punch! 72 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,375 Beautiful women... 73 00:02:24,442 --> 00:02:26,210 you guys can say just about anything, can't you? 74 00:02:26,278 --> 00:02:28,980 So what are you doing here? So, look, we've barely spoken 75 00:02:29,047 --> 00:02:31,783 since I almost impregnated you. 76 00:02:31,850 --> 00:02:33,417 You know, it's just, it's this whole thing 77 00:02:33,485 --> 00:02:34,819 has just kind of got me thinking. 78 00:02:34,887 --> 00:02:37,221 Maybe this is just too intense, 79 00:02:37,289 --> 00:02:39,556 and we should stop. 80 00:02:41,558 --> 00:02:42,893 That's what you want? 81 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,828 It's how I feel right now, so, yeah. 82 00:02:44,896 --> 00:02:46,997 Oh... Coolio. 83 00:02:47,064 --> 00:02:49,532 So he goes out with me. 84 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,434 Oh, Nadia, I think that... 85 00:02:51,502 --> 00:02:52,769 I think that's a great idea. 86 00:02:52,837 --> 00:02:55,071 I mean, that's what you want, right? 87 00:02:55,139 --> 00:02:57,306 Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me. 88 00:02:57,373 --> 00:02:59,408 Yay! We have fun. 89 00:02:59,475 --> 00:03:01,543 I make him put on black shawl, 90 00:03:01,611 --> 00:03:03,612 pretend he's grandma. 91 00:03:05,849 --> 00:03:07,316 Fine, twist my arm. 92 00:03:07,383 --> 00:03:09,185 I'll go out with the hot Russian model 93 00:03:09,252 --> 00:03:11,287 whose ancestors probably burned down 94 00:03:11,354 --> 00:03:12,653 my ancestors' village. 95 00:03:12,721 --> 00:03:14,388 Something weird happened to me today. 96 00:03:14,456 --> 00:03:18,394 I was at Russell's gym, and I ran into his ex-wife Ouli. 97 00:03:19,962 --> 00:03:21,762 Jess, hi! 98 00:03:21,831 --> 00:03:24,032 - Ouli! - Oh, that's a great swimsuit. 99 00:03:24,099 --> 00:03:26,801 Thank you. 100 00:03:26,869 --> 00:03:29,102 Wow, someone's been working out. 101 00:03:29,170 --> 00:03:30,704 You back's like a bag of ropes. 102 00:03:30,771 --> 00:03:32,873 Oh, mama. 103 00:03:32,941 --> 00:03:34,574 It was really foggy 104 00:03:34,642 --> 00:03:37,144 and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, 105 00:03:37,212 --> 00:03:39,512 and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner 106 00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:40,780 with Russell and me tonight. 107 00:03:40,849 --> 00:03:41,849 - What? - You did what?! 108 00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:43,083 It's just that, like, Ouli is 109 00:03:43,151 --> 00:03:44,350 like this looming presence, 110 00:03:44,417 --> 00:03:45,852 and we don't talk about it, 111 00:03:45,919 --> 00:03:47,053 and I don't know, 112 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,322 I thought it would be, like, good for us. 113 00:03:49,389 --> 00:03:51,224 - Everything okay with Russell? - Everything's fine. 114 00:03:51,291 --> 00:03:52,992 I know it's gonna be tense at first, 115 00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:54,460 'cause Ouli's no Russell's favorite person, 116 00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:56,595 but I grew up with divorced parents, 117 00:03:56,663 --> 00:03:59,598 and I'm really good at navigating these situations. 118 00:03:59,666 --> 00:04:01,433 - What did I do? - Nothing! 119 00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:03,168 # Mommy's all right # 120 00:04:03,236 --> 00:04:04,936 # Daddy's all right # 121 00:04:05,004 --> 00:04:08,173 # They just seem a little weird # 122 00:04:08,241 --> 00:04:10,876 # Surrender, surrender... # 123 00:04:11,693 --> 00:04:13,111 Don't tap-dance at dinner. 124 00:04:13,179 --> 00:04:15,146 Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner? 125 00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:16,614 Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess. 126 00:04:16,682 --> 00:04:18,323 - Absolutely. - I'm with Schmidt. Don't do it. 127 00:04:18,584 --> 00:04:19,662 Hi. 128 00:04:19,705 --> 00:04:21,127 Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. 129 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,787 - Hi! - Hi! 130 00:04:22,855 --> 00:04:24,021 Hey, remember last time 131 00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:25,055 we were hugging? 132 00:04:25,623 --> 00:04:26,591 You were naked. 133 00:04:26,658 --> 00:04:27,725 That was weird. 134 00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:28,893 No! 135 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,461 No, that's not weird at all. 136 00:04:30,929 --> 00:04:32,529 I have no problem being naked. 137 00:04:33,597 --> 00:04:34,964 - Hi. - Hi. 138 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,668 How are the "quethadillath"? 139 00:04:39,236 --> 00:04:40,771 You know what? I've actually never had them. 140 00:04:40,838 --> 00:04:42,205 Oh, the eye roll. 141 00:04:42,273 --> 00:04:43,840 Mm. Miss that. 142 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:45,475 I didn't actually roll my eyes. 143 00:04:45,543 --> 00:04:47,110 I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling. 144 00:04:48,178 --> 00:04:49,645 Hey, Ouli... 145 00:04:49,713 --> 00:04:50,713 Mm... 146 00:04:51,281 --> 00:04:52,615 I love your name. 147 00:04:52,682 --> 00:04:53,949 Thank you. 148 00:04:54,017 --> 00:04:56,519 Or should I say, "grathiath"? 149 00:04:59,471 --> 00:05:01,238 Uh... 150 00:05:01,525 --> 00:05:02,825 Oh. 151 00:05:08,244 --> 00:05:09,700 - Well, this is fun. - Yeah. 152 00:05:09,763 --> 00:05:11,564 It is. 153 00:05:11,599 --> 00:05:13,358 Should we get, like, eight more of these, right? 154 00:05:14,809 --> 00:05:16,710 - I love this song. - Oh, I hate this song. 155 00:05:18,621 --> 00:05:20,522 When we were on vacation in Oaxaca, 156 00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,884 Ouli hummed this song for, like, an eight-hour drive. 157 00:05:22,904 --> 00:05:24,199 Well, it wouldn't have been eight hours 158 00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:25,228 if you hadn't gotten lost. 159 00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:27,817 At one point, we were just following some donkeys. 160 00:05:27,921 --> 00:05:30,122 Oh, my gosh! Look, it's food! 161 00:05:30,189 --> 00:05:32,324 - I love food. - They were not donkeys! 162 00:05:32,391 --> 00:05:33,458 I can't even remember what 163 00:05:33,526 --> 00:05:34,559 we were talking about. 164 00:05:34,628 --> 00:05:35,947 It wasn't a road. 165 00:05:36,391 --> 00:05:37,526 For the millionth time, 166 00:05:37,563 --> 00:05:38,836 just because a road's not on a map, 167 00:05:38,837 --> 00:05:39,994 doesn't mean it's not a road! 168 00:05:40,053 --> 00:05:41,120 Inside voice. 169 00:05:41,156 --> 00:05:42,273 You know what means it's not a road? 170 00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:43,621 When there are guys in tanks 171 00:05:43,652 --> 00:05:44,681 telling you to turn around. 172 00:05:44,682 --> 00:05:46,016 Oh, come on! Those were two kids in a jeep! 173 00:05:46,052 --> 00:05:47,229 Car gets stuck in the mud, 174 00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:48,948 and no, you could not move it, 175 00:05:48,958 --> 00:05:51,081 - Oh, here it is. - Because, God forbid, you break a nail! 176 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,897 I got one manicure, one time! 177 00:05:52,898 --> 00:05:55,133 I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this! 178 00:05:55,172 --> 00:05:58,008 # Ouli's all right, Russell's all right # 179 00:05:58,043 --> 00:06:01,345 # They just seem a little weird # 180 00:06:01,632 --> 00:06:04,734 # Surrender, surrender... # 181 00:06:04,772 --> 00:06:05,796 I'm leaving. 182 00:06:05,827 --> 00:06:07,309 You mean before you get your "quethadillath"? 183 00:06:07,359 --> 00:06:08,392 That's it. 184 00:06:15,350 --> 00:06:16,751 It was crazy. 185 00:06:16,786 --> 00:06:18,820 There was, like, serious heat between them. 186 00:06:18,849 --> 00:06:20,318 Does she still have feelings for him? 187 00:06:20,366 --> 00:06:22,100 Maybe... 188 00:06:22,331 --> 00:06:23,280 Hey, Schmidt. 189 00:06:23,287 --> 00:06:24,169 What up? 190 00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:26,089 So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight. 191 00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:26,866 I bet. 192 00:06:26,867 --> 00:06:28,882 Make sure, uh, you use protection. 193 00:06:28,913 --> 00:06:30,473 She's a foreigner, Cece. 194 00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:31,831 What, do I look like an idiot? 195 00:06:31,832 --> 00:06:34,353 Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right? 196 00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,227 What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 197 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,755 'Cause the "clawses" are coming out. 198 00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:42,934 The-the "claws" are coming out? You know... 199 00:06:43,259 --> 00:06:44,893 You're being catty, Cece. 200 00:06:48,130 --> 00:06:50,638 Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia? 201 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,896 She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia. 202 00:06:54,136 --> 00:06:56,284 Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him? 203 00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:57,858 It doesn't matter if I like him. 204 00:06:57,893 --> 00:07:00,294 - It's over. - And you're fine with that? 205 00:07:01,173 --> 00:07:02,741 - Yeah. - Are you? 206 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,336 Yeah. 207 00:07:04,411 --> 00:07:05,502 Are you? 208 00:07:05,534 --> 00:07:06,932 - Yeah. - Hold up. Are you? 209 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,371 - I am gonna kill you. - But are you? 210 00:07:13,793 --> 00:07:15,659 - Hey, Nick... - What? 211 00:07:15,688 --> 00:07:17,222 Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub? 212 00:07:17,423 --> 00:07:18,557 I mean, he is the cutest. 213 00:07:18,585 --> 00:07:19,919 Just the absolute cutest. 214 00:07:20,025 --> 00:07:21,353 Hey take a look at this picture 215 00:07:21,354 --> 00:07:22,953 where he woke up on my face. 216 00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,731 Can't even see my face. 217 00:07:24,798 --> 00:07:26,132 I look like a cat man. 218 00:07:28,568 --> 00:07:30,837 No! No! Get out of here, birds! 219 00:07:30,904 --> 00:07:32,771 Please get out of here, you sky rats! 220 00:07:32,839 --> 00:07:35,340 Go back to Hell, where you belong! 221 00:07:35,407 --> 00:07:36,842 Leave me and my plants alone! 222 00:07:36,909 --> 00:07:38,143 I need this! 223 00:07:38,211 --> 00:07:39,544 You know who loves birds? 224 00:07:39,612 --> 00:07:40,912 Please don't say it, Winston. 225 00:07:40,980 --> 00:07:42,781 Shelby. 226 00:07:46,352 --> 00:07:48,552 So... 227 00:07:51,123 --> 00:07:52,556 How do you like America? 228 00:07:52,624 --> 00:07:55,059 I like salad bar. 229 00:07:55,127 --> 00:07:57,527 I like Despicable Me. 230 00:07:57,595 --> 00:08:00,231 Tosh 2.0. 231 00:08:00,298 --> 00:08:02,833 I like Connect 4, 232 00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:04,942 freedom of speech, 233 00:08:04,973 --> 00:08:06,620 David Fincher, 234 00:08:06,771 --> 00:08:09,572 uh... sidewalk. 235 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:13,509 I like 1-800-SLIM. 236 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,312 "Your Mama" jokes. 237 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,248 Strawberry. 238 00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:21,463 Wilmer Velmavelma. 239 00:08:21,532 --> 00:08:23,499 Leon J. Panetta. 240 00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:27,023 Ice skating for fun, not to save life. 241 00:08:28,191 --> 00:08:29,319 What are you laughing at? 242 00:08:29,338 --> 00:08:30,905 Cheese. Is for mouse. 243 00:08:31,294 --> 00:08:32,855 Are you Mick Mouse? 244 00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:34,976 - Am I what? - Why don't you get in your spaceship 245 00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:36,203 like Mick Mouse? 246 00:08:36,230 --> 00:08:37,371 - What are you talking about? - Mick Mouse. 247 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,651 - What is a Mick Mouse? - Mick Mouse! 248 00:08:39,817 --> 00:08:41,517 I don't understand what Mick Mouse is! 249 00:08:41,538 --> 00:08:43,469 - Mick Mouse! - I don't under... I don't... 250 00:08:43,470 --> 00:08:44,829 What does that mean? What's a Mick Mouse? 251 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:45,701 Mick Mouse! 252 00:08:45,747 --> 00:08:47,255 Are you saying Mickey Mouse? 253 00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:48,211 Yes. 254 00:08:48,263 --> 00:08:49,931 In America, honey, okay, 255 00:08:50,085 --> 00:08:52,318 Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound. 256 00:08:52,347 --> 00:08:53,948 Let's do sex party. 257 00:08:54,141 --> 00:08:56,441 I sex you in face. 258 00:08:56,493 --> 00:08:58,427 You're gonna sex me in my face? 259 00:09:00,503 --> 00:09:02,337 Well, fancy meeting you here. 260 00:09:02,561 --> 00:09:04,496 - Hi. - What's up? 261 00:09:04,530 --> 00:09:05,980 Love the gym. 262 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,186 You and Russell, huh? 263 00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:09,532 - Oh... God. - Last night? 264 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:10,802 Sorry. 265 00:09:10,887 --> 00:09:12,721 If we made you feel uncomfortable. 266 00:09:12,825 --> 00:09:14,272 We just can't be in the same room 267 00:09:14,279 --> 00:09:16,471 without wanting to rip each other's faces off. 268 00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:17,758 Yeah... yeah. 269 00:09:17,759 --> 00:09:19,548 Well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces 270 00:09:19,595 --> 00:09:21,562 and not, like... clothes. 271 00:09:22,075 --> 00:09:24,042 - You don't think... - No. 272 00:09:24,109 --> 00:09:26,574 I'm just... it's my endorphins, 273 00:09:26,575 --> 00:09:28,922 'cause I'm just, like, so high on endorphins. 274 00:09:28,923 --> 00:09:30,740 Yeah, because there's not a chance in hell. 275 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,211 I mean, he is all yours. 276 00:09:32,451 --> 00:09:33,918 All yours. 277 00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:35,854 Awesome. 278 00:09:35,921 --> 00:09:37,822 I mean, you know what it's like with Russell. 279 00:09:37,890 --> 00:09:39,157 - Yeah. - Yeah! 280 00:09:39,225 --> 00:09:40,991 I mean... It's this roller coaster. 281 00:09:41,059 --> 00:09:43,861 It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran 282 00:09:43,928 --> 00:09:47,931 blasted with spray during a perfect storm. 283 00:09:47,999 --> 00:09:49,699 But you're... 284 00:09:49,767 --> 00:09:52,469 naked and... 285 00:09:52,536 --> 00:09:54,071 and you're on fire. 286 00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:56,239 You know? 287 00:09:56,306 --> 00:09:58,707 - Yeah. I do. - Whoo! 288 00:09:58,775 --> 00:10:02,345 I'm just, like, "Russell, put away the passion." 289 00:10:02,412 --> 00:10:04,446 And... 290 00:10:04,514 --> 00:10:06,115 show me a moderately good time. 291 00:10:06,183 --> 00:10:07,116 Yeah. 292 00:10:07,184 --> 00:10:08,384 Crazy. 293 00:10:08,451 --> 00:10:10,652 - So crazy. - It's crazy. 294 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,587 Russell. 295 00:10:19,955 --> 00:10:21,228 - Hey! - What? 296 00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:22,397 What's with all the hammering? 297 00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:24,090 Whoa! What the hell is this thing? 298 00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:25,211 This thing is creepy. 299 00:10:25,273 --> 00:10:27,274 Yeah, it's called a scarecrow, okay? 300 00:10:27,342 --> 00:10:29,276 Birds keep coming after my plants. 301 00:10:29,344 --> 00:10:31,911 Whatever you're doing, just... stop with the hammering, okay? 302 00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,860 Because me and Shelby are downstairs, right now, 303 00:10:33,861 --> 00:10:34,864 trying to make love. 304 00:10:34,865 --> 00:10:36,526 - Ugh! Did you honestly just say that? - Well, dude, 305 00:10:36,527 --> 00:10:38,335 we're making love, man. It's beautiful. 306 00:10:38,353 --> 00:10:39,720 Who have you become, man? 307 00:10:39,787 --> 00:10:41,320 I'm happy. Am I not allowed to be happy? 308 00:10:41,388 --> 00:10:42,855 You're allowed to be happy, 309 00:10:42,922 --> 00:10:44,589 but it's really annoying, the way you're doing it. 310 00:10:44,658 --> 00:10:46,091 You know what I don't care about? 311 00:10:46,159 --> 00:10:47,393 - Mm-hmm? - Shelby. 312 00:10:47,961 --> 00:10:49,794 Oh, Shelby loves puzzles. 313 00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:52,698 Oh, Shelby loves donuts, but hates donut holes. 314 00:10:52,766 --> 00:10:54,233 Why are you hating on Shelby so much? 315 00:10:54,301 --> 00:10:56,468 I used to be your Shelby! 316 00:10:56,535 --> 00:10:58,270 That came out wrong. 317 00:10:58,337 --> 00:11:00,171 I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault 318 00:11:00,239 --> 00:11:02,307 that your life sucks and you're so miserable. 319 00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:04,609 Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys 320 00:11:04,677 --> 00:11:07,177 who crawls out of the grave in the "Thriller" video. 321 00:11:13,017 --> 00:11:14,785 - I want you to git. - Seriously? 322 00:11:14,786 --> 00:11:17,321 - I want you to git off my farm! - This is a little weird, man. 323 00:11:17,389 --> 00:11:19,823 - You used to be my best friend. Now, I don't know! - Talk to yourself, man. 324 00:11:19,891 --> 00:11:21,858 - So git! - I'm gitten! 325 00:11:21,926 --> 00:11:23,894 - I don't need ya! - Shut up! 326 00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:33,067 Hey, Russell. 327 00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,069 Mm-hmm. 328 00:11:34,637 --> 00:11:36,305 Do I ever drive you crazy? 329 00:11:36,872 --> 00:11:38,473 Of course not. 330 00:11:38,541 --> 00:11:40,075 Come on. There has to be something that I do 331 00:11:40,143 --> 00:11:42,611 that just, like... gets under your skin. 332 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:44,245 No, I can't think of anything. 333 00:11:44,314 --> 00:11:46,147 Come on, Russell. Think. 334 00:11:46,215 --> 00:11:47,482 Think, think, think, think. 335 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,284 Thin-k. 336 00:11:49,352 --> 00:11:52,086 That's annoying, right, the way I say, "Think"? 337 00:11:52,154 --> 00:11:53,254 - Well... - With a "K." 338 00:11:53,322 --> 00:11:55,589 Okay, Jess, um... 339 00:11:56,057 --> 00:11:57,425 Your eyes bug out a little 340 00:11:57,426 --> 00:11:59,027 - when you're trying to make a point. - Yeah? 341 00:11:59,028 --> 00:12:02,396 Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing 342 00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:03,998 - when you're thinking sometimes. - Yeah? 343 00:12:04,066 --> 00:12:05,666 Yeah. Don't love that. 344 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:10,570 - Like that? Like that? - Uh... 345 00:12:10,638 --> 00:12:12,372 Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of 346 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,308 those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine. 347 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:17,077 Is this just driving you crazy? 348 00:12:17,145 --> 00:12:18,312 Um... 349 00:12:18,379 --> 00:12:20,513 No, but it's not pleasant. 350 00:12:20,581 --> 00:12:21,681 You're not pleasant. 351 00:12:23,217 --> 00:12:24,750 You're not pleasant. 352 00:12:24,818 --> 00:12:26,252 - That's not nice, that's-that's... - Yeah. 353 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,586 - Not nice. - No, it's passion! 354 00:12:27,654 --> 00:12:29,889 Oh! You hurt my teeth. 355 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,824 Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Russell? 356 00:12:31,892 --> 00:12:33,792 Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing. 357 00:12:33,861 --> 00:12:36,195 You know, I hate this shirt, I hate this shirt. 358 00:12:36,263 --> 00:12:38,464 Okay. Okay, you know, well could you please... thank you. 359 00:12:40,532 --> 00:12:42,700 There it is. There's the fire. 360 00:12:42,768 --> 00:12:45,036 Where you been hiding it, Rusty? Where you been hiding it? 361 00:12:45,104 --> 00:12:46,437 I'm gonna, um, make some tea. 362 00:12:46,505 --> 00:12:47,873 Do you want some tea? We have chamomile. 363 00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:49,341 - No! - Okay. I mean... 364 00:12:49,408 --> 00:12:51,943 oolong... oolong, you want oolong? 365 00:12:52,011 --> 00:12:54,797 Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters! Why? 366 00:12:54,798 --> 00:12:56,616 - Well, it's actually kind of a funny story... - Yeah? 367 00:12:56,714 --> 00:12:58,515 - Wow. - You just coasting through life, 368 00:12:58,583 --> 00:13:00,083 - you coaster? - This isn't good, not at all. 369 00:13:00,126 --> 00:13:02,974 You know, now-now I'm pissed. What is this? 370 00:13:06,223 --> 00:13:07,657 Something's missing. 371 00:13:07,725 --> 00:13:09,093 I didn't know it 372 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,560 until I saw you and Ouli together the other night 373 00:13:11,628 --> 00:13:13,253 almost strangle each other. 374 00:13:13,276 --> 00:13:15,077 But then it clicked. 375 00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,133 I want that. 376 00:13:18,370 --> 00:13:20,205 I want what you and Ouli have. 377 00:13:20,244 --> 00:13:22,511 You want me to treat you like my ex-wife? 378 00:13:23,354 --> 00:13:24,621 Who I hate? 379 00:13:25,275 --> 00:13:27,442 I don't know, I just... 380 00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:29,218 You guys have this spark, 381 00:13:29,249 --> 00:13:31,116 and I want that spark! 382 00:13:31,449 --> 00:13:32,391 You have to admit, 383 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,682 you have this spark, this passion. 384 00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:38,569 Passion's overrated, Jess. 385 00:13:42,991 --> 00:13:45,069 I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner, I... 386 00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,573 I want to go home. 387 00:13:46,665 --> 00:13:47,932 Jess... 388 00:13:48,272 --> 00:13:49,710 Just... 389 00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,969 can you just take me home? 390 00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:58,905 Get in there! 391 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,328 Useless. 392 00:14:01,372 --> 00:14:03,841 You... get... in there. 393 00:14:03,918 --> 00:14:06,285 What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz? 394 00:14:06,337 --> 00:14:08,105 I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man. 395 00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:09,619 Apology accepted. 396 00:14:09,663 --> 00:14:12,217 It's just... we used to be miserable together, man. 397 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:16,866 - We did have some pretty bad times together. - We had the worst. 398 00:14:16,936 --> 00:14:18,387 Hey, remember that time we pooled our money 399 00:14:18,388 --> 00:14:19,951 and bought that online dating profile together? 400 00:14:19,981 --> 00:14:21,029 Yes. 401 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,584 The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. 402 00:14:23,692 --> 00:14:25,626 - Zero dates. - Zero. 403 00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:28,449 I'm sorry that I can't be happier for you. 404 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,494 I don't really know what's wrong with me, Winston. 405 00:14:30,509 --> 00:14:32,477 - You want me to tell you? - Not really, actually. 406 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,743 Okay, why are you giving up? 407 00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:35,982 If something doesn't work out, what do you do? 408 00:14:36,078 --> 00:14:38,180 You make an adjustment, you give it one more shot. 409 00:14:38,215 --> 00:14:40,683 - I mean, that's what I did with... - Okay, just say it. 410 00:14:40,704 --> 00:14:41,971 - ...My beautiful Shelby. - Shelby. 411 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,496 See, why did you say, "my beautiful Shelby"? 412 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,470 It's so weird. 413 00:14:44,486 --> 00:14:46,487 Look, man, I just called her out of the blue, okay? 414 00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:48,701 And then... I was a different person, 415 00:14:48,749 --> 00:14:51,217 and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. 416 00:14:51,863 --> 00:14:54,798 We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another. 417 00:14:55,922 --> 00:14:57,623 Sandwiches and sex? 418 00:14:57,910 --> 00:15:00,011 I want that. 419 00:15:02,271 --> 00:15:03,704 Hey. 420 00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:06,452 How, um... how was your date last night? 421 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,795 Brief. Small man go to hospital. 422 00:15:10,179 --> 00:15:11,289 The hospital? 423 00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:12,876 - Is he okay? - I don't know. 424 00:15:12,891 --> 00:15:15,595 I leave him there, I go make bowling. 425 00:15:15,628 --> 00:15:18,296 Nadia... like, honestly, what did you do to him? 426 00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:21,034 Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny. 427 00:15:21,081 --> 00:15:22,515 Oh, my God. 428 00:15:22,629 --> 00:15:24,830 There's me! 429 00:15:29,945 --> 00:15:32,547 I really like what we have. I thought you did, too. 430 00:15:32,614 --> 00:15:35,014 I do. I did. It's just, Russell... 431 00:15:37,652 --> 00:15:39,452 Great. Just forget it. 432 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,155 Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car. 433 00:15:42,223 --> 00:15:44,924 But there's so many buttons. It's like... 434 00:15:44,992 --> 00:15:48,195 The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons. 435 00:15:48,962 --> 00:15:51,863 Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, 436 00:15:51,931 --> 00:15:53,732 explosive passion thing. 437 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,134 When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer 438 00:15:56,203 --> 00:15:57,436 to a wood chipper. 439 00:15:58,905 --> 00:16:00,739 I'm not looking for that any more. 440 00:16:01,807 --> 00:16:03,041 I understand. 441 00:16:03,609 --> 00:16:05,411 But I am. 442 00:16:06,178 --> 00:16:07,378 And... 443 00:16:07,446 --> 00:16:10,816 I want passion... 444 00:16:10,883 --> 00:16:13,484 even if it's harder and hurts more. 445 00:16:16,222 --> 00:16:18,824 So that's it. 446 00:16:18,891 --> 00:16:20,458 Good-bye, Russell. 447 00:16:26,865 --> 00:16:28,265 Well... 448 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,167 Yeah. 449 00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:36,006 Oh, my God. 450 00:16:36,074 --> 00:16:37,907 Are you serious? 451 00:16:37,975 --> 00:16:40,676 How do you look this good under fluorescent lights? 452 00:16:40,745 --> 00:16:43,380 I am so, so sorry. 453 00:16:43,451 --> 00:16:46,597 Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... 454 00:16:46,683 --> 00:16:47,951 What happened? 455 00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:52,922 Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. 456 00:16:54,557 --> 00:16:55,924 I broke my penis. 457 00:16:55,992 --> 00:16:57,325 You what? 458 00:16:57,393 --> 00:16:58,894 I broke my penis. 459 00:16:58,962 --> 00:17:00,763 Things got... I mean, just out of control 460 00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:01,997 with Nadia last night. 461 00:17:02,065 --> 00:17:02,995 And there was like 462 00:17:03,049 --> 00:17:06,484 this one moment where it was just blinding pain. 463 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,214 And then there was another moment where I was like 464 00:17:08,271 --> 00:17:10,404 watching myself watch myself... 465 00:17:10,472 --> 00:17:13,241 I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. 466 00:17:13,308 --> 00:17:15,509 And I can't be certain of this, 467 00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:17,578 but I'm almost positive 468 00:17:17,646 --> 00:17:19,738 that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle. 469 00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:22,855 - I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here. - How are you upset right now? 470 00:17:23,050 --> 00:17:24,819 Cece, you ended this. 471 00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:26,240 I don't know what you want from me! 472 00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:28,689 I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. 473 00:17:28,703 --> 00:17:32,105 Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. 474 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,396 Because I like you. 475 00:17:39,233 --> 00:17:41,701 I can't just always say what I feel, okay? 476 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,468 It's just... 477 00:17:43,536 --> 00:17:45,504 Just, whatever, Schmidt. 478 00:17:45,571 --> 00:17:48,340 You like me. 479 00:17:48,408 --> 00:17:50,009 You like my personality? 480 00:17:50,076 --> 00:17:51,543 I was surprised, too. 481 00:17:52,611 --> 00:17:53,612 Come here. 482 00:17:59,651 --> 00:18:00,718 - Oh! - Oh! 483 00:18:02,487 --> 00:18:05,410 - What happened? - Oh, my God, why? 484 00:18:05,456 --> 00:18:07,023 Oh, what? 485 00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:08,675 Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. 486 00:18:08,705 --> 00:18:10,228 - Don't touch me, don't touch me. - Okay. I... 487 00:18:10,259 --> 00:18:12,127 - You gotta get out of here. - All right. 488 00:18:12,186 --> 00:18:13,524 I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over! 489 00:18:13,598 --> 00:18:15,199 For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? 490 00:18:15,266 --> 00:18:16,700 I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants. 491 00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:18,501 I'm sorry for this, but I... 492 00:18:18,569 --> 00:18:20,003 - I like you. - And I like you, too, so much. 493 00:18:20,071 --> 00:18:21,705 Call a nurse, call a male nurse. 494 00:18:21,772 --> 00:18:23,506 Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice. 495 00:18:23,574 --> 00:18:24,246 Bye. 496 00:18:24,276 --> 00:18:27,129 Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone. 497 00:18:43,577 --> 00:18:44,744 Oh, hey. 498 00:18:45,062 --> 00:18:46,995 Hey... 499 00:18:47,063 --> 00:18:48,429 Caroline, how you doing? 500 00:18:48,497 --> 00:18:49,354 Good. 501 00:18:49,388 --> 00:18:52,285 Just... going to use the bathroom. 502 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,096 # For sentimental reasons... # 503 00:18:55,171 --> 00:18:56,639 - Caroline? - Yeah, I know. 504 00:18:56,668 --> 00:18:59,202 I just called her, and then... I don't know, it's... 505 00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,848 What are you doing? You guys had such a terrible relationship. 506 00:19:01,905 --> 00:19:03,072 Are you crazy? 507 00:19:03,303 --> 00:19:04,707 Are you burning incense? 508 00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,931 Yes, I am, for ambiance. She digs it. 509 00:19:06,994 --> 00:19:08,894 She digs it? 510 00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:10,965 Are you kidding, Nick? What happened? 511 00:19:11,009 --> 00:19:12,575 What happened to swearing off women 512 00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:14,278 and focusing on tomatoes? 513 00:19:14,316 --> 00:19:17,214 I can't grow tomatoes, Jess. 514 00:19:17,619 --> 00:19:20,228 I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. 515 00:19:20,264 --> 00:19:22,999 Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it. 516 00:19:23,497 --> 00:19:24,608 I'm happy. 517 00:19:24,633 --> 00:19:27,045 That is pathetic, Nick. You're just saying that 518 00:19:27,103 --> 00:19:28,237 'cause you don't have the patience 519 00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:29,407 or the courage to be alone. 520 00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:31,451 I will never get used to those urinals. 521 00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:35,141 Hey, would you give me a second? I have to talk to Jess for... 522 00:19:35,209 --> 00:19:36,384 Oh. Sure. 523 00:19:36,420 --> 00:19:37,520 - Great. - Okay. 524 00:19:37,595 --> 00:19:39,485 - Bye, Caroline. - Bye. 525 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,733 See you in one second. What is your problem? 526 00:19:41,762 --> 00:19:44,431 Have fun making terrible life decisions! 527 00:19:44,459 --> 00:19:46,147 Oh, you just know everything, don't you? 528 00:19:46,197 --> 00:19:47,864 - No, I don't... - I'm actually so sick of you. 529 00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:49,718 I'm just really disappointed in you. 530 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,502 You know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, 531 00:19:51,503 --> 00:19:53,705 and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries 532 00:19:53,773 --> 00:19:54,940 - with sprinklies on them, - That isn't what I do. 533 00:19:55,008 --> 00:19:57,141 Then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, 534 00:19:57,209 --> 00:19:59,344 and then tell other people how to live their lives! 535 00:19:59,411 --> 00:20:01,245 It's not a pajama outfit! 536 00:20:01,313 --> 00:20:03,581 - They're called pajamas! - That's what I said! 537 00:20:03,648 --> 00:20:05,516 Nick, why don't you go back in your room 538 00:20:05,584 --> 00:20:07,018 and put on your stupid flannel 539 00:20:07,086 --> 00:20:09,354 and keep not living up to your potential! 540 00:20:09,421 --> 00:20:11,356 - You're a crazy person, Jess! - I am not, 541 00:20:11,423 --> 00:20:12,990 I'm just saying things that you don't want to hear. 542 00:20:13,057 --> 00:20:14,596 You know what I would like to hear from you? 543 00:20:14,633 --> 00:20:15,797 - What? - Silence! 544 00:20:15,826 --> 00:20:17,961 Well, I'm not gonna be silenced! 545 00:20:18,029 --> 00:20:19,629 Just shut up! For one second be quiet! 546 00:20:19,697 --> 00:20:21,465 - I'm trying to help you! - Please be quiet! 547 00:20:21,532 --> 00:20:22,699 - No! No! - I don't want your help. 548 00:20:22,766 --> 00:20:24,601 Stop making that face at me. I hate that face. 549 00:20:24,668 --> 00:20:27,070 This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, 550 00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:29,805 and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess... 551 00:20:31,375 --> 00:20:34,076 then look at my ass! 552 00:20:35,412 --> 00:20:38,180 - Oh! - Yeah! Get a good look! 553 00:20:38,248 --> 00:20:40,916 - Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter. - This is the ass of a failure. 554 00:20:40,984 --> 00:20:43,419 - You get a look. - Look right at my ass. 555 00:20:43,487 --> 00:20:45,987 - No, Nick. - You bought the ticket, take a ride. 556 00:20:46,055 --> 00:20:48,982 - Feast your eyes on my butt. - I'm winning this moment. 557 00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:51,254 - You quitter. - Look at my butt, it's going faster than yours! 558 00:20:51,354 --> 00:20:53,328 I have the fastest butt in the land. 559 00:20:53,396 --> 00:20:55,163 - I got a faster one! - No, you don't. 560 00:20:55,231 --> 00:20:57,165 - What are we doing? - Stop looking at my ass. 561 00:20:57,733 --> 00:20:59,100 Oh, I'm gonna kill you. 562 00:21:00,965 --> 00:21:02,633 Quitter! 563 00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:07,672 You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato 564 00:21:07,740 --> 00:21:09,774 just sprung up overnight? 565 00:21:09,842 --> 00:21:11,008 Yes, I do. 566 00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:12,744 When it comes to tomatoes, 567 00:21:12,812 --> 00:21:15,647 no one in the world knows less than Nick. 568 00:21:15,714 --> 00:21:18,081 - So how long you gotta ice that thing? - Eight weeks. 569 00:21:18,149 --> 00:21:19,817 I mean, if I have any excitement 570 00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:21,752 it's excruciating pain. 571 00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:23,186 - Boobies. - What? 572 00:21:23,654 --> 00:21:27,190 - Boobies. - I love boobies... 573 00:21:27,258 --> 00:21:30,126 - Girls with clean hair. - Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played. 574 00:21:30,194 --> 00:21:31,655 Models eating sliders. 575 00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:33,738 Bernadette Peters on a high beam. 576 00:21:34,864 --> 00:21:37,731 - Freshly baked bread. - Oh God. 577 00:21:41,779 --> 00:21:42,779 Norther