# I wish I had a river #
# I could skate away on #
Hey, Jess.
I brought you some tea.
Just gonna leave it right here, okay?
There you go.
So, Russell...
Ouch.
Right? I mean, who saw that coming?
Not me.
Certainly not Russell.
I guess, I guess you saw it coming.
I mean, 'cause you're the one who broke up with him.
- Leave, Schmidt. - All right, fine.
I'll leave. But you know what?
you're not the only one that's hurting here,
Jessica Day. The economy stinks,
bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now,
- and I... have a broken penis. - Don't say "broken penis."
Don't pretend to know my pain.
Hey, Jess.
- Hi. - What's this song called?
- "The River." - Hmm.
- Do you like it? - Yeah, yeah, I liked the way
you played it for the first time at 10:00 last night.
I liked it a little bit less at 2:00 a.m.
And now I'm kind of hoping that
the sun comes up, thaws that river
and that woman drowns.
Get out!
Russell was perfect.
What's wrong with me?
Am I self-sabotaging?
Am I secretly a Cylon?
You just didn't love him.
But what if it's me?
What if I have some idea of love in my head
and it's just totally wrong?
Do not second-guess yourself, okay?
It was a tough choice, but it was the right choice.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
So what do you think about turning off that song?
- I just feel like I should... - Off. Turn it off.
Ow.
# It's coming on Christmas... #
- Oh, my God, she's dead! - Oh, no, no, come on!
80 more times! I get it now! It's a river!
All right, now let's go and get a drink,
because you really need to get out of this room.
I'm not ready.
Turn that song back on!
Caroline and I made up a dance routine to cheer you up.
- No, you didn't. - Yeah, well, I'm gonna dance,
- and Nick's gonna clap. - Okay. I'll just clap.
You about ready now?
- Yeah, I'm ready now. - Yeah, let's go.
Uh, feel it. Uh, uh.
Get it, Caroline! Get it, Caroline!
Born to dance.
Dance the bump.
# Who's that girl? # # Who's that girl? #
1x23 - Backslide -
I'm gonna end up alone.
I'm gonna be a single old lady
flashing people on the subway.
Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old,
because humans-- we're gonna be immortal by 2026.
And second of all, give me your phone.
Why?
Do you want to drunkenly call
Russell tonight and tell him what a huge mistake you made?
- You don't want to backslide, trust me. - Be quiet.
Your life is too perfect to talk to
anyone in Jess's condition right now.
Look, Jess, backsliding is
what happens after a clean break.
When you, when you freak out and you go crawling back
and you just make everything messy and horrible.
- I'm not gonna do that. - You have backslider
written all over you.
Did I tell you guys that my boss
invited me to play poker with him tonight?
Crazy thing, he never invites anybody to play poker with him.
I mean, come on, I'm in the prime of my life, baby.
- Winston, shut up! - Shut up!
Schmidt, I actually
- need my phone back. - No.
I need to call Russell to just
tell him I left my pajamas there.
The fact that you were wearing pajamas
in the presence of your lover tells me that that relationship
was doomed from the start. No way.
Disgusting.
Don't fake me-- don't fake me out.
Are you guys playing a game?
No. No. Just chillin'.
Hey, good-lookin'.
- Hey. - What can I get you?
How about one of those Nick Miller Manhattans?
Ah, straight bourbon in a plastic cup.
Come with me.
Think we should show him the DVD?
What DVD?
Nick made a DVD after the last time Caroline broke up with him.
It's all the reasons why they shouldn't get back together.
We hid it somewhere in the loft.
Ooh. Intrigue.
- Mama like. - I don't know that we should...
Cece's here.
Why is she dressed like a women's studies major?
It's precautionary.
Just until my junk heals.
Ow. Owie.
Damn it.
You okay?
No, I'm not okay.
What is going on, Jess?
I was just thinking about this word
that I learned from Schmidt.
Backsliding.
Oh, so you're saying I'm a backslider.
I don't know what we're supposed to do together any more.
Everything seems to turn you on.
Oh, look, Cece, a bird. Ow. Ah, damn it!
Schmidt, it's a mother bird in her nest!
Must I say it, Cece?
What?
- Eggs. - Okay.
Okay, sure, look, did Caroline
physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me for years?
Yes!
But she changed.
It's about timing.
And the first time around, we weren't ready to work at it,
and now we are.
And besides,
Caroline is way hotter than
that voice in my head, who sounds like Tom Waits
and tells me I'm a failure and that I look bad in hats.
I don't want to spend my whole life with him.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
At least you'll get a break from me tomorrow.
I've got to go visit my dadi.
What?
It's my grandmother.
- Oh, your bubbe? - Yes, my...
Oh, I have a bubbe.
- Uh, my bubbe is in a home. - Yeah.
Old people freak me out.
With their hands and their legs.
Just, they're like the human version of pleated pants.
- Really? - Not for me.
- Hey, Schmidt. - Hey.
Can I borrow your jacket?
- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.
Like, aren't into old people?
Not at all.
I mean, just-just horr...
like giant walking raisins.
They're in a home...
It's me.
I've been thinking a lot about you.
Jess.
Hmm?
I can't feel my arm.
Oh.
Whoa.
I really can't feel it at all.
Wake up, fella.
You're gonna be late for school.
Genzlinger.
What is that?
It's an earring, man. What does it look like?
Got kind of wasted last night with Joe,
and so, you know, I got my ear pierced.
This is the perfect moment.
Wait, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
- Wait, what? - I'm gonna do.
See, this is when it gets weird between us.
One, two, three.
You know, traditionally, the male
of the species is more glamorous.
When's it coming out, by the way?
- The earring? - No, no, the smooth jazz album you're dropping.
Hey, guys. You remember, um, Paul.
Mercedes-Genz!
Genzel Washington.
It's the Genz of the world as we know it.
All right, everybody, put down your Genz and your Genzils.
Hey, Schmidt. What's up, Washington?
- Um hey. - Hey.
- So maybe-- - Okay.
- We definitely-- - Oh yeah, that sounds...
Okay.
- Okay - All right.
- Backslider! - Don't.
- You backslid. - Come on.
You backslid all the way
down the hill and back into the parking lot.
Take off your skis and wait
for your family in the lodge, Jessica Day.
Look, I think this could be good.
Paul and I had really bad timing before,
and maybe I should just give it another shot.
Such an ugly crier.
He is the all-time worst crier.
It's like he's a slow-motion sneeze.
Winston,
what is in your ear?
It's hot and I love it.
Does that feed information
back to Shelby to keep track of your migration patterns?
- Drop it. - Please, Jess.
He just got back from Carnival.
Know what?
These people are disgusting.
I've never been more flaccid in my life.
Thank God.
I mean, this place
is a cardigan gold mine.
Can I get you anything, Dadi?
A hot-blooded man
and a hotel room would be nice.
Oh, just get me a puzzle.
Yeah?
I raised that girl.
She is my life.
And she's not as tough as she looks.
If you hurt her,
I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.
Whoa, look at this fireplace.
It's huge.
Caroline, that is not a fireplace, that is, like,
a room you could safely set on fire.
Yeah, this is really nice.
- It is. - So grown up.
But where's all your stuff gonna go?
Like, where will the Grateful Dead bears dance?
Oh, I didn't realize I lived here, too.
Seriously though, what do you think about moving in?
Wait, you want to move in together?
Yeah, I mean, I feel like if we're gonna do this again,
we should do it for real this time, you know?
Right.
I mean, I'm 33 years old.
You're 30 years old; we're the same age, you knucklehead.
No, I lied about that. I'm 33.
I don't want to start at the beginning again with you.
I mean, you're not... not making sense.
Knock-knock.
Hi.
Hi back.
- Um... - Hey...
- I want to tell you... - I have something to tell you.
- Oh, sorry, you go first. - Oh, I'll go first.
Um, I was thinking a lot about, um...
you and last night.
Right.
And we have something good.
Jess, I have a girlfriend.
- What? - Yeah.
Very serious girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me?
When you called me last night, we had just gotten
into this huge fight, and I was really confused.
You cheating on her with me?
Is that bad? That's bad.
It's really bad.
Oh, no, that's really bad.
Why would you do that?!
Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.
Now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels!
I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky.
Stop crying!
You are literally
the ugliest crier I have ever seen!
You cry smile.
Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.
- Oh! - Oh.
Oh, no, are you crying?
Is everything okay?
There's-there's...
I'm sorry to have to break it to you,
but that is the way
the electoral college works, man.
It-it seems so unfair.
So votes don't mean as much.
It upsets me, too.
I'm gonna miss you, Winston.
- What do you mean? - I'm gonna miss you
when your caravan moves on to the next village.
Oh, my God!
He has a girlfriend!
He cheated on his girlfriend
with me.
I'm a cheater.
P. Genz played you?
I saw her.
She looks like an Asian me.
Asian Jess. Wo-- Ow.
I can't even backslide right.
I've been her.
I've been Asian me before.
Are you gonna keep calling her "Asian me,"
because it's becoming a problem for me.
I don't know her name, Schmidt.
But I do know that if I were her,
I would want to know what kind of person I was dating.
And that's why I have to tell her.
- What? No, don't do that. - Please don't do that.
Mm-mm. Sometimes, when you make a mistake,
all you can do is own up to it, all right?
Because it's something you can't fix.
Knowledge.
Take it easy, black George Michael.
I have to do it.
I have to tell her.
61 years we've been together.
14 presidents
and four different Batmen.
Why don't we go for a walk?
I'm just gonna go get your sweater.
- I'll be back in a second. - Oh, thanks, sweetie.
- Give me one second. - Wow,
so you guys are like real live Yodas, huh?
Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah. - Shoot, cowboy.
How do you build a relationship?
How 'bout Viagra?
I use it just to keep from falling out of bed.
How does a guy like me have a chance
at making someone like Cece happy?
You don't. Not with all those moles on your face.
- I should just give up, huh? - That's crazy!
She needs you!
You are exactly what she needs.
Here's your sweater, Dadi.
Oh, thank you.
Um, I'll meet you out there in a second, okay?
Okay.
Take it easy, Burt.
You know, for the first time in my life
I actually feel like I want something that lasts.
And I want it with you.
I feel... the same way.
You do?
Oh!
- It hurts so bad, because... - What's turning you on?
- Oh... - The queen of diamonds?
- The bow? - Oh, my God.
The teeth in the glass?
I care about you so much.
- The leaf painting? - But...
Is emotional intimacy turning you on?
Are you in that much pain?
Uh, he passed out.
We need help!
Yo. What's up, man?
- How'd the audition go? - What?
- For the Disney pirate movie? - Ha-ha.
Hey, Mr. T called.
He wants to punch you because that earring looks stupid.
I mean, Lil' Wayne wears it, so...
Oh, Little Wayne Gonzales from Brazil?
Who came to the United States to dance and be free!
You can't touch me, baby. I'm in the prime of my life.
Tell me, what are you doing? What you been doing all day?
Oh, I'm actually looking for an apartment. It's for Caroline.
She's looking for a new apartment, and she asked me if
I wanted to move in with her, and I'm thinking about it.
Cool! Cool, cool, sounds like so much fun.
I'm really glad that's your reaction, because I thought
you were going to tell me I was making a huge mistake.
Honestly, I didn't want to hear that.
Wouldn't do that, that'd be silly.
What are you doing? Huh? What?
No, Nick... No, no, no! No!
Nick. Nick. Nick, Nick! Nick! Don't!
It's for your own good.
- Get out of there! - What are you...? No, Schmidt!
Grab him! Okay, grab him.
You got him?
- Watch the television. - You got him?
Watch it. Watch it.
Watch the television. Watch the TV...
All right, all right, watch the TV.
- Hello, Nick... - No!
In all its glory, watch it.
- You magnificent dumb-ass. - Come on.
If you're watching this,
it's because you decided to get back with Caroline.
Yes, Nick. I did.
Well, congratulations, you idiot.
- She destroyed you. - You don't know me, you jerk!
These, my dumb friend, are your tears.
- And you saved them all. - I got him, I got him.
Think back, Nick, Stay still.
Or whatever they call you in your time.
Who dumped you three times?
Once before you had to speak at your brother's wedding.
Well, he's divorced now, so I'll get another shot.
- This is a poem you wrote about Caroline... - I don't want the poem.
- You're getting the poem.
But you're too emotional to read it right now.
You're going to give it to Schmidt for safekeeping.
This is your doing, Caroline.
You were right to have trusted me.
Two years I held this thing.
- Read it. Here they come.
Okay.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
No, a summer's day is not a bitch."
Really, Nick?
That's how you want to talk about Caroline?
I can't move, my earring is stuck.
But there's something I want to do to you, then.
Don't move, don't move. Don't move, Nick, don't move!
Let's have a conversation like men! Let's act like men, Nick! Ah!
You want to act like men, let's act like men.
Look at how far you've come, Nick.
- Want to be a bartender forever, pal? - I'm still a bartender.
You want to be a grown man
who dresses like an unsponsored professional skateboarder?
You don't want to live like this. You're moving on.
I'm here to tell you you're doing the right thing,
so just keep going.
Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick for a second?
I respect you, man. You're rocking the hell
out of that beard, and the long hair looks good,
despite what other people are gonna say.
Look, the Caroline that broke your heart,
I get why you don't like her.
But it's a different Caroline that's picking me up
in five minutes, Nick.
Do you want me to live alone in this loft
for the rest of my life?
Hey, what's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?
Well, thanks, guys. You helped me figure something out.
All right, well, look,
I think this was a really nice talk, Future Nick.
I hope you got something from it, 'cause I know that I did.
I'm gonna call her.
- I have to call.. - No! Damn it, give me the phone.
- Please get out of here, I have to call... Coach! He's calling her again.
- We lost him. - We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.
- Hey, Paul. - Hey.
I'm not going to let you lie to your girlfriend.
Okay? It's not fair to her.
So you have to tell her what happened between us.
Or I will.
All right. You're right.
- I have to tell her. - Yeah.
I'm so scared, though. I don't want to lose her, Jess.
She's my soul mate.
For someone with a soul mate, you sure did have sex with me.
I know. I know, and I don't expect you to believe me--
I wouldn't believe me if I were you--
but check it out.
I even bought her an engagement ring.
Oh...
That's... that's really beautiful.
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for two weeks,
trying to find the right way to propose to her.
And I just started panicking, and I got...
I don't know, I got scared, and-and-and really confused,
and I'm so sorry to drag you into this,
but this was the biggest mistake of my life.
God, Paul, don't make me feel sorry for you.
I know. I messed up.
Big-time.
And I'm going to lose her.
Oh, God, I can't lose her!
Hey, babe, you left your tuner in my car.
Oh. Hi! You're Jess, right?
I'm Jenn.
Jenn.
Well, I was just leaving.
- Jess and I slept together. - Oh, God.
- What? - I want to be completely honest with you.
It happened two days ago, and we did lots of stuff.
There was talking, and there were hands,
- and I think we ruined a throw pillow. - He's making it sound
a lot more erotic than it was.
It was just, like, lying there and... blah.
I am so sorry.
I'm... I'm begging you to forgive me.
I thought you loved me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm an idiot!
- I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God. No...
Yeah, I'm such an idiot.
Good-bye, Paul.
Oh, no. Wait. Wait. Jenn?
Haven't you done enough?
Yeah, I have. I have done enough, but...
I know how you feel.
I've been there. I've been cheated on before,
and it feels like someone
dropped an anvil on your heart.
Um, but...
That guy wasn't right for me.
You guys...
You guys are perfect together.
I thought you were Asian me,
but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.
- What? - What?
Paul was scared.
And when you're scared,
you do stupid things.
He made a really terrible mistake.
Really terrible.
The things that we did 48 hours ago were so dark...
- I'm handling this. - Sorry.
Jenn...
you love Paul.
I know that
because you're still standing here.
What you guys have...
it's way bigger than me.
And I think...
I think Paul has something to ask you.
I know this is not the right time to do this,
in fact, this is a terrible time to do this,
but I don't care.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you,
Jennifer Ruth Toyogi.
- I know that now more than ever. - Now that you slept with her.
Happy to help. Uh-huh.
If... if you still love me, at all...
Of course I still do. I...
Oh, yeah.
Um...
Ooh...
Will you... will you...
will you, will you marry him?
Yeah.
- Is that a "yes"? - Yes.
So you and Cece are staying away from each other.
Only until my penis stops looking
like a knotted wizard's staff.
- That sounds tough, man. - Guys like us--
Nick, too-- we're warriors.
We just keep on fighting, and holding on,
even when we know we're just making a big mistake.
Like Nick and Caroline.
- And that earring. - I'm not giving this thing up.
You look like you were caught by a fly fisherman.
Dude, I've had it with the earring jokes.
You look like you should be standing in line
to get into Shaquille O'Neal's birthday party.
Oh, my God, you guys.
The most exciting thing just happened.
I helped Paul propose to his girlfriend. They are engaged.
- Awesome. - I feel like you're leaving out part of that story.
Where's Nick? I want to tell him.
This should be fun. Um...
yeah, Nick has something to tell you, too.
- He's in the bathroom. - Oh, great.
- Really? - She's gonna find out anyway.
Nick! Nick!
- Hey. - What, Jess?
Um, Paul proposed to his girlfriend in front of me.
That sounds pretty awkward.
She said yes, and it was... it was really...
it was really beautiful.
And it made me realize something.
You're wrong. All the stuff you said about Caroline,
being about timing,
and it just making sense?
No.
Because if you really love someone, it's simple.
Okay. Well, I understand what you're saying, but...
You deserve something amazing.
And... you deserve love.
I know you don't want to be alone,
but I'm going to be there,
and I'll tell that Tom Waits voice in your head to shut up.
We don't have to settle...
Nick.
You're the best.
I'm moving in with Caroline.
We signed a lease this morning.
Thanks for saying all that stuff.
Now that I got your attention, Future Nick,
there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about.
Be nicer to your mom when she calls.
Stop giving yourself high fives.
Put your head underwater, you two-year-old.
Be nicer to Coach, or he's gonna take off,
live with a bunch of other white people.
I no fake karate.
I'm Nick, I'm grumpy.
I'm going to put my baby hood on.
Sex is a sprint, not a marathon.
# You are special, you are special #
# You... #
We'll see each other in the future...
unless I see you first. Nick Miller!
Norther