1
00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:10,753
Oh, late, late,
late, late, late.
2
00:00:10,754 --> 00:00:13,753
♪ I couldn't dance
with another ♪
3
00:00:13,754 --> 00:00:14,782
♪ No, I ♪
4
00:00:14,783 --> 00:00:16,778
♪ Couldn't ask
for another ♪
5
00:00:16,779 --> 00:00:19,707
♪ Groove is in the heart,
yeah. ♪
6
00:00:19,708 --> 00:00:20,725
Cold, cold, cold shower!
7
00:00:20,726 --> 00:00:22,787
Hey, hey, hey.
8
00:00:22,788 --> 00:00:24,775
You can't turn the sink on
when someone's in the shower.
9
00:00:24,776 --> 00:00:26,741
This is not some fancy hotel.
10
00:00:26,742 --> 00:00:28,703
Okay, I'm sorry,
I overslept.
11
00:00:28,704 --> 00:00:29,762
I'm running late for a meeting
with the vice principal.
12
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:32,703
Please get out of here
so I can save
13
00:00:32,704 --> 00:00:34,699
a little bit
of my dignity.
14
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:36,699
One, two, three, four.
15
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:37,781
♪ Groove is in the heart. ♪
16
00:00:37,782 --> 00:00:39,781
I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt,
so you can just stop asking me.
17
00:00:39,782 --> 00:00:41,775
- Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.
- Look,
18
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:43,731
I'm not doing it until
you tell me why you've had
19
00:00:43,732 --> 00:00:45,712
time to shave your chest
but not your face.
20
00:00:47,704 --> 00:00:49,707
Ugh, Jess, would you
please scratch an itch
21
00:00:49,708 --> 00:00:50,769
I have
on my undercarriage?
22
00:00:50,770 --> 00:00:52,742
I can't get the right angle
and Winston refuses.
23
00:00:52,743 --> 00:00:54,711
No, I don't have
time, Schmidt.
24
00:00:54,712 --> 00:00:55,754
Jess, please, I-I--
this is awful.
25
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:58,711
I feel like I dropped
something in there.
26
00:00:58,712 --> 00:01:00,699
You hear that? Loose change.
27
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:01,769
I thought
we talked
28
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,796
about you not wearing your
shower diaper in the kitchen.
29
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,737
Excuse me, do you think
this has been easy for me--
30
00:01:06,738 --> 00:01:09,761
to wash myself all summer long
with a penis cast on?
31
00:01:09,762 --> 00:01:11,700
Thank God this thing
comes off this afternoon.
32
00:01:11,701 --> 00:01:14,741
And by the way, I know
what you've been thinking,
33
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:15,794
and the answer
is yes,
34
00:01:15,795 --> 00:01:17,754
I have been able
to reach completion
35
00:01:17,755 --> 00:01:20,745
with some very precise
and vigorous nipple play.
36
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,699
Nipple play-- off-limits.
37
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:23,796
Wait, Jess, please,
I-I'm begging you.
38
00:01:23,797 --> 00:01:25,716
Okay, fine.
39
00:01:25,717 --> 00:01:27,741
Just get it,
just get it in there
40
00:01:27,742 --> 00:01:29,742
- in the back.
- Stop moving like that.
41
00:01:29,745 --> 00:01:31,720
There you go.
42
00:01:36,704 --> 00:01:37,738
- What do you mean?
- This is friendship,
43
00:01:37,741 --> 00:01:40,774
Pure unadulterated
friendship.
44
00:01:40,775 --> 00:01:42,720
Oh, yeah.
45
00:01:42,721 --> 00:01:45,732
♪ Hey, girl ♪
46
00:01:45,733 --> 00:01:47,741
♪ What you doing? ♪
47
00:01:47,742 --> 00:01:50,745
♪ Hey, girl ♪
48
00:01:50,746 --> 00:01:53,716
♪ Where you going? ♪
49
00:01:53,717 --> 00:01:55,796
- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
50
00:01:55,799 --> 00:01:57,728
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
51
00:01:57,729 --> 00:01:59,796
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
52
00:01:59,797 --> 00:02:04,699
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,766
Hi, Tanya, um,
sorry I'm late.
54
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:08,724
Take a seat.
55
00:02:08,725 --> 00:02:09,745
Okay.
56
00:02:09,746 --> 00:02:11,703
Is everything all right?
57
00:02:11,704 --> 00:02:12,779
I'll give you
the bad news first.
58
00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:13,782
Okay.
59
00:02:13,783 --> 00:02:16,707
The bad news is, is that
cutbacks are forcing me
60
00:02:16,708 --> 00:02:18,796
to lay off ten percent
of our nontenured teachers.
61
00:02:18,797 --> 00:02:20,770
That's terrible.
62
00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:23,738
But the bad news is, is that
it seems you are one of them.
63
00:02:26,704 --> 00:02:28,708
That's not how
you deliver news.
64
00:02:30,708 --> 00:02:31,738
What are you doing?
65
00:02:31,739 --> 00:02:33,782
Trying to make this
more fun.
66
00:02:33,783 --> 00:02:36,742
- No.
- You're right.
67
00:02:36,745 --> 00:02:39,741
Tanya, I'm a really
good teacher.
68
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:41,716
I care about my kids.
69
00:02:41,717 --> 00:02:42,758
I spent
two months
70
00:02:42,759 --> 00:02:46,711
in summer school with an
Indian student named Vaj Rejuv
71
00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:49,787
and I did not laugh
once, not once.
72
00:02:49,788 --> 00:02:52,757
I'm sorry, Jess,
but on the plus side...
73
00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:54,761
you can have
anything you want
74
00:02:54,762 --> 00:02:57,699
out of the
lost-and-found box.
75
00:02:57,700 --> 00:02:58,783
Okay.
76
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,767
- Good choice.
- Thank you for the opportunity.
77
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,767
Um, it's been an
honor working here.
78
00:03:07,783 --> 00:03:10,724
The dictionary
defines "teacher" as...
79
00:03:10,725 --> 00:03:12,762
Okay, you can take another one.
80
00:03:17,788 --> 00:03:19,736
No, you can't
share a bowl of cereal.
81
00:03:19,737 --> 00:03:20,767
Why not?
82
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,795
The cast is off, gentlemen.
83
00:03:22,796 --> 00:03:25,758
- Great. Congratulations, man.
- Good news, man.
84
00:03:25,761 --> 00:03:28,717
- Oh! - Oh!
- Yeah, take it in.
85
00:03:28,718 --> 00:03:30,708
- Goodness, the smell, man.
- We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.
86
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,703
Soak it all in,
in all its foul glory.
87
00:03:33,704 --> 00:03:34,765
That is not just some
88
00:03:34,766 --> 00:03:36,750
disgusting, salty
bundle of gauze.
89
00:03:36,751 --> 00:03:39,761
That is a symbol of who I was
for the past two months:
90
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,716
The broken-penis guy.
91
00:03:41,717 --> 00:03:43,740
But if there's anything
that majoring in marketing
92
00:03:43,741 --> 00:03:46,707
with a minor in theater studies
has taught me,
93
00:03:46,708 --> 00:03:47,779
it's that everybody has a brand.
94
00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:50,766
Nick, your brand
is gypsy alcoholic handyman.
95
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:51,770
Winston,
96
00:03:51,771 --> 00:03:53,737
your brand is Winston.
97
00:03:54,771 --> 00:03:56,737
Nicholas, Winstoniel,
98
00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:59,753
I'm staging an event to
relaunch the Schmidt brand.
99
00:03:59,754 --> 00:04:01,738
It's going to happen
this Saturday night,
100
00:04:01,739 --> 00:04:03,782
and it is going
to be epic.
101
00:04:03,783 --> 00:04:05,698
You're having a party
to tell girls
102
00:04:05,699 --> 00:04:06,729
you're ready
to have sex again?
103
00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:10,724
Not a party;
A rebranding event.
104
00:04:10,725 --> 00:04:11,786
Please tell me
there's not a theme.
105
00:04:11,787 --> 00:04:13,773
There most certainly is
a theme-- it is a secret
106
00:04:13,774 --> 00:04:15,767
- that will be announced on the night.
- I bet it's danger.
107
00:04:15,768 --> 00:04:17,750
No, you're... you're wrong.
It's not danger.
108
00:04:17,751 --> 00:04:19,767
- It'll be announced on the night.
- I really think
109
00:04:19,770 --> 00:04:21,742
- It's going to be danger.
- I'm going to go with danger.
110
00:04:21,743 --> 00:04:23,710
Come on, man, it's not danger.
Stop guessing danger.
111
00:04:23,711 --> 00:04:24,790
Who'd you invite?
112
00:04:24,791 --> 00:04:26,748
The ladies from Lululemon,
my urologist,
113
00:04:26,749 --> 00:04:28,704
my badminton partner,
my financial planner,
114
00:04:28,705 --> 00:04:30,711
Philip Seymour Hoffman
and a guy who once wrote
115
00:04:30,712 --> 00:04:32,720
for a little show
called Crank Yankers.
116
00:04:32,721 --> 00:04:33,781
And obviously Cece.
117
00:04:33,782 --> 00:04:35,775
She hasn't spoken
to you all summer--
118
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,761
since you broke
up with her.
119
00:04:37,762 --> 00:04:38,786
Yeah, I'm over it.
120
00:04:38,787 --> 00:04:40,762
It's not about her.
I hope she comes.
121
00:04:40,763 --> 00:04:42,762
Now, let's talk venue.
122
00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:46,699
Jess, oh, my God.
123
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:47,741
Are you okay?
124
00:04:47,742 --> 00:04:49,717
How long have you
been sitting here?
125
00:04:50,788 --> 00:04:53,791
I panicked,
and I grabbed the hat.
126
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:57,703
I should have grabbed the yo-yo
or the slap bracelet,
127
00:04:57,704 --> 00:05:00,787
and now all I have
is this stupid hat.
128
00:05:00,788 --> 00:05:03,712
- I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.
129
00:05:03,715 --> 00:05:05,746
I'm overthinking it.
The hat's fine.
130
00:05:07,717 --> 00:05:08,775
You take me home?
131
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,707
Yeah, of course.
132
00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:11,752
I-I can't go
upstairs, though,
133
00:05:11,753 --> 00:05:13,712
'cause of the whole
Schmidt thing.
134
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,728
It's going to be
okay, all right?
135
00:05:15,729 --> 00:05:17,744
I mean, this is the moment
before something amazing
136
00:05:17,745 --> 00:05:19,729
is going to happen
for you. I promise.
137
00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:20,758
Put these on.
138
00:05:22,788 --> 00:05:24,707
Is this making you
feel better?
139
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:30,750
I've decided to host my
140
00:05:30,751 --> 00:05:32,771
- relaunch event at Nick's bar.
- No.
141
00:05:32,772 --> 00:05:34,765
And you, my friend,
are bartending.
142
00:05:34,766 --> 00:05:36,779
Don't make me work for you.
You can have everything else.
143
00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:38,724
Come on, man.
You're perfect.
144
00:05:38,725 --> 00:05:39,760
You bring the heat,
but you're not
145
00:05:39,761 --> 00:05:40,767
a threat in the
looks department.
146
00:05:40,768 --> 00:05:42,750
- I get that, actually.
- And only you
147
00:05:42,751 --> 00:05:43,792
Can make those fruity
drinks that used to make
148
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:46,766
the girls lose their
minds in college.
149
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:48,788
Fine, I'll do it,
but I'm not making those drinks.
150
00:05:48,789 --> 00:05:51,724
Oh, come on, Nick.
You have a gift.
151
00:05:51,725 --> 00:05:53,767
Why you always trying to hide
your light under a bushel?
152
00:05:53,768 --> 00:05:56,787
Because, sure, I could get
a girl topless, no bra,
153
00:05:56,788 --> 00:05:58,753
with one hollowed-out papaya,
154
00:05:58,754 --> 00:06:00,787
some crushed ice
and two fingers of rum,
155
00:06:00,788 --> 00:06:02,766
but then I grew up.
156
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:05,766
Now I only want to make a drink
that a coal miner would want.
157
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:08,732
Straightforward, honest.
158
00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:11,711
Something that says,
"I work in a hole."
159
00:06:11,712 --> 00:06:12,792
And I'm especially not making
those drinks for you.
160
00:06:12,793 --> 00:06:14,767
- What? Why?
- 'Cause you can't handle it.
161
00:06:14,768 --> 00:06:15,790
You drink them way too fast,
and then you get weird.
162
00:06:15,791 --> 00:06:17,773
Oh, come on. That was,
like, years ago, dude.
163
00:06:17,774 --> 00:06:19,727
I'm a changed man.
I mean, look at me.
164
00:06:19,728 --> 00:06:20,775
- I'm wearing a suit.
- A suit? Please.
165
00:06:20,776 --> 00:06:22,744
That's something they
put on Morgan Freeman
166
00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:24,773
when they let him out of
Shawshank. Look at that.
167
00:06:24,774 --> 00:06:26,702
What, did a magician
die in that thing?
168
00:06:29,717 --> 00:06:30,774
Hi.
169
00:06:30,775 --> 00:06:32,728
I got laid off.
170
00:06:32,729 --> 00:06:34,704
- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, my God.
171
00:06:34,707 --> 00:06:35,792
- What happened?
- Obama.
172
00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:38,728
It's possible
I'm still in shock.
173
00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:42,791
I'm going to go to my room
and process what just happened.
174
00:06:42,792 --> 00:06:45,762
Thank you for your attention.
175
00:06:47,733 --> 00:06:49,745
Ah, this is not good.
Now she's going to cry.
176
00:06:49,746 --> 00:06:50,760
I hate it when she cries.
177
00:06:50,761 --> 00:06:51,792
Her face gets all red and puffy.
178
00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:53,775
- Makes me sick.
- Okay, we got to
179
00:06:53,776 --> 00:06:54,788
Fix this right now, guys.
180
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,774
Let's go.
We got to do something.
181
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,792
- Okay. Here's how this is going to go.
- Hi.
182
00:07:03,795 --> 00:07:05,749
You will not pity me.
183
00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:08,707
No pity eyes.
Schmidt, stop looking at me
184
00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:09,762
like I'm a fat kid
riding a bike.
185
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,774
It's just a job.
I'll get a new one.
186
00:07:12,775 --> 00:07:15,699
You're going to get so many
jobs, Jess. I promise.
187
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,758
So I just want you to go
about your day and act normal.
188
00:07:17,759 --> 00:07:20,749
Okay?
189
00:07:20,750 --> 00:07:21,754
What's wrong
with your eyes, Nick?
190
00:07:23,771 --> 00:07:25,750
Stop blinking.
Why are you doing that?
191
00:07:25,751 --> 00:07:28,711
I just think they fired
the wrong girl, kid.
192
00:07:28,712 --> 00:07:30,712
Oh, for sure.
193
00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:32,753
Stop. Nick!
194
00:07:32,754 --> 00:07:34,716
What's up?
195
00:07:34,717 --> 00:07:35,788
- What's wrong with you?
- You wiggin'?
196
00:07:35,791 --> 00:07:37,783
- Act normal, okay?
- If that's what you want.
197
00:07:37,786 --> 00:07:40,708
- That is what I want.
- That's what you'll get.
198
00:07:40,709 --> 00:07:41,752
Where you going, Schmidt?
199
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:42,762
Sorry. This way.
200
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,717
Bye.
201
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:51,432
Hey, hey.
202
00:07:51,433 --> 00:07:52,461
Hey.
203
00:07:52,462 --> 00:07:54,250
- How you doing, kid?
- Great.
204
00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:55,929
My boobs are loving
this unemployed thing.
205
00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,987
They don't have to go
to boob jail every day.
206
00:07:58,988 --> 00:08:00,966
Job hunt is on.
207
00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:04,970
This hospital Web site
says I can earn up to $700,
208
00:08:04,971 --> 00:08:07,957
and all I have to do is be
infected with dengue fever.
209
00:08:07,958 --> 00:08:09,987
Are you sure you're okay?
210
00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:11,002
For the thousandth time, yes.
211
00:08:11,003 --> 00:08:12,965
I know you've been
waiting all week
212
00:08:12,966 --> 00:08:14,025
for me to break down,
but I'm fine.
213
00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:15,999
Just be normal.
214
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,042
- I'm being normal.
- You're crossing your legs.
215
00:08:17,045 --> 00:08:19,007
I always do this.
216
00:08:19,008 --> 00:08:21,006
You've never crossed your legs
in your entire life.
217
00:08:21,007 --> 00:08:22,992
I didn't even know
you were that flexible.
218
00:08:22,993 --> 00:08:25,029
- Well...
- And stop being nice to me.
219
00:08:25,032 --> 00:08:27,966
What, I'm not normally
nice to you, Jess?
220
00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:30,957
No. You're mean,
like a crazy old man.
221
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:33,957
"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.
222
00:08:33,958 --> 00:08:36,003
"When did gum get so fancy?
223
00:08:36,004 --> 00:08:39,003
This escalator
goes too fast."
224
00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:40,970
Be mean.
225
00:08:40,971 --> 00:08:43,949
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.
226
00:08:43,950 --> 00:08:45,046
Sorry. That... that was in
my head a little.
227
00:08:45,047 --> 00:08:47,999
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.
228
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,012
- No. Tighten up!
That's terrible.
229
00:08:50,013 --> 00:08:51,981
I don't have it today.
I don't know what it is.
230
00:08:51,982 --> 00:08:53,002
Can you
believe that the zoo
231
00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:54,960
wouldn't let me borrow
their white tiger?
232
00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:56,015
I mean, the nerve.
233
00:08:56,016 --> 00:08:58,031
I'm going to be sitting
in the back of the party,
234
00:08:58,032 --> 00:08:59,994
and Philip Seymour Hoffman's
going to be like,
235
00:08:59,995 --> 00:09:02,004
"Look at that idiot who
couldn't even get a big cat."
236
00:09:02,005 --> 00:09:04,032
Schmidt, you need a tiger.
237
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:06,003
I need a job.
238
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:07,966
Hire me.
239
00:09:07,967 --> 00:09:08,996
- No.
- Here...
240
00:09:08,997 --> 00:09:10,042
- No, I'm not going to...
- Schmidt!
241
00:09:10,045 --> 00:09:12,950
- What are you...?
- Hire me. I am a people person.
242
00:09:12,951 --> 00:09:13,996
I'm great at parties.
243
00:09:13,997 --> 00:09:15,996
I can make any kind
of balloon animal,
244
00:09:15,997 --> 00:09:18,970
as long as it's a worm
or a snake...
245
00:09:18,971 --> 00:09:21,004
- No, Jess.
- Come on.
246
00:09:21,007 --> 00:09:23,974
Help a brother out.
247
00:09:23,975 --> 00:09:25,960
Jess, you just got
laid off, okay?
248
00:09:25,961 --> 00:09:27,992
I can't have an emotionally
vulnerable person on my crew.
249
00:09:27,993 --> 00:09:30,987
Tonight is about one man's
functioning penis.
250
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,006
I wouldn't say functioning.
251
00:09:32,007 --> 00:09:33,042
I saw what you did
to the toilet seat.
252
00:09:33,043 --> 00:09:35,999
And I'm not unstable.
I just need a job.
253
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,956
Okay, fine.
You know what, Jess? Fine.
254
00:09:37,957 --> 00:09:39,029
You can be my other shot girl.
255
00:09:39,030 --> 00:09:41,967
- Yes!
- A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.
256
00:09:41,970 --> 00:09:42,999
Why not?
257
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,019
Because you don't have
258
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:46,000
that specific hotness
that shames men
259
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:48,003
into spending nine dollars
on a two-dollar shot.
260
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:50,042
- She doesn't have it.
- Are you saying I'm not hot?
261
00:09:50,045 --> 00:09:53,041
No, no, no, I'm not...
No, no, you're hot, you're hot.
262
00:09:53,042 --> 00:09:55,962
- Nick!
- I'm saying you're the nurse
263
00:09:55,965 --> 00:09:58,961
That I want to wake up to
after having my stomach pumped.
264
00:09:58,962 --> 00:10:00,010
You know what I mean?
265
00:10:00,011 --> 00:10:02,004
Its a different kind of hot--
still hot.
266
00:10:02,005 --> 00:10:04,004
I'm going to be
a great shot girl, Nick.
267
00:10:04,005 --> 00:10:06,016
I pour liquids into cups
every single day.
268
00:10:06,017 --> 00:10:08,982
Add on top of that two years
of light tap and jazz.
269
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,988
Please, I feel... I feel you
overthinking this already.
270
00:10:10,989 --> 00:10:12,995
I'm going to be the best
shot girl in the world.
271
00:10:12,996 --> 00:10:14,033
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
272
00:10:14,036 --> 00:10:15,958
Getting my costume.
273
00:10:18,021 --> 00:10:20,037
Hiya, big boy.
274
00:10:20,038 --> 00:10:22,003
What's your poison?
275
00:10:22,004 --> 00:10:24,012
- Oh...
- What?
276
00:10:24,015 --> 00:10:26,991
Yeah, interesting choices.
277
00:10:26,992 --> 00:10:28,996
It's a great hat.
Can I have it?
278
00:10:30,962 --> 00:10:32,040
Let's get rid of that.
279
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:34,038
I've decided that
tonight my name is Ivy,
280
00:10:34,039 --> 00:10:36,957
and I'm studying
to be an actress,
281
00:10:36,958 --> 00:10:38,957
and I'll sleep with you
if you give me a part
282
00:10:38,958 --> 00:10:40,504
- in a Paramount picture.
- Do you have another
283
00:10:40,505 --> 00:10:42,974
Outfit in your car, or are you
going to stick with this one?
284
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,004
Hey, young man, why
weren't you drafted?
285
00:10:44,005 --> 00:10:47,004
- You like someone?
- Good stuff.
286
00:10:47,005 --> 00:10:48,983
Schmidt! Just the guy
I was looking for.
287
00:10:48,984 --> 00:10:51,958
- So the theme of the party is...
- Is danger.
288
00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:53,042
That's right, but it's
on a level that you
289
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,979
- couldn't possibly understand, Nick.
- Okay.
290
00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:57,962
Just, where... where
is the other shot girl?
291
00:10:57,963 --> 00:10:59,971
- I don't know, boss.
- Here I am.
292
00:10:59,974 --> 00:11:02,024
Casey. Thank you for
joining us. Great.
293
00:11:02,025 --> 00:11:03,046
Here's where it's at.
294
00:11:03,047 --> 00:11:04,987
I don't work with amateurs.
295
00:11:04,988 --> 00:11:06,002
I don't split tips.
296
00:11:06,003 --> 00:11:07,981
Things get a little freaky
in here, I'm out the door
297
00:11:07,982 --> 00:11:09,981
because I'm a little diabetic
and I don't need a hassle.
298
00:11:09,982 --> 00:11:12,021
And also, I do accept payment
in the form of whippets
299
00:11:12,022 --> 00:11:13,961
because I've got a PhD;
300
00:11:13,962 --> 00:11:16,992
- a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.
- Oh.
301
00:11:16,993 --> 00:11:17,996
How old are you?
302
00:11:17,997 --> 00:11:20,008
Twenty-six.
303
00:11:23,042 --> 00:11:24,600
Thank you for your honesty.
304
00:11:28,971 --> 00:11:30,982
Yeah! Who's up?
305
00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:33,957
Okay, you jerk, come here.
Stupid jerk.
306
00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:37,995
Who wants a shot of firewater?
307
00:11:37,996 --> 00:11:41,017
Anybody want me to wet
their whistle?
308
00:11:43,012 --> 00:11:43,995
Hey, Schmidt.
309
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,025
It's working, Nick. Look at all
these beautiful ladies.
310
00:11:47,526 --> 00:11:49,461
And this is just
the beginning, man.
311
00:11:49,462 --> 00:11:50,533
I can take this to the next
level whenever I want.
312
00:11:50,534 --> 00:11:53,474
You know why? 'Cause I got
something up my sleeve.
313
00:11:53,475 --> 00:11:55,541
Schmidt, please,
nothing up your sleeve.
314
00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:58,467
It never works!
315
00:12:11,504 --> 00:12:15,467
Remain in your seat and finish
the exam, Mr. Schmidt.
316
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:19,478
You know,
in Student Health Services,
317
00:12:19,479 --> 00:12:21,471
they still call that
"Schmidting the bed."
318
00:12:21,472 --> 00:12:23,449
Why are you proud
of that?
319
00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:24,465
What the hell
is this?
320
00:12:24,466 --> 00:12:25,483
Come on, Schmidt,
you know I don't
321
00:12:25,484 --> 00:12:27,529
- make girly drinks any more.
- I didn't buy that stuff.
322
00:12:27,530 --> 00:12:29,488
You didn't buy this?
Then who did?
323
00:12:32,471 --> 00:12:33,483
What's my name?
324
00:12:33,484 --> 00:12:34,537
Casey!
325
00:12:34,538 --> 00:12:36,503
You're all a bunch of jerks.
326
00:12:36,504 --> 00:12:40,482
Yes! My penis is working!
327
00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:42,483
Casey!
328
00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:49,479
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey-hey!
329
00:12:49,482 --> 00:12:50,508
Cece.
330
00:12:51,546 --> 00:12:54,545
I had to check out the new
and improved Schmidt.
331
00:12:54,546 --> 00:12:56,542
Been hearing
so much about it, so...
332
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,449
I'm really glad that you came.
333
00:12:58,450 --> 00:12:59,538
Look, I wanted
to tell you...
334
00:12:59,539 --> 00:13:02,541
I want you to meet Robby,
my, uh, my boyfriend.
335
00:13:02,542 --> 00:13:03,512
Your what?
336
00:13:04,513 --> 00:13:06,453
There he is.
337
00:13:06,454 --> 00:13:08,470
The one shaped
like a Liberty Bell?
338
00:13:08,471 --> 00:13:11,467
It's a great party.
Thank you for inviting us.
339
00:13:15,529 --> 00:13:17,529
- Flip it, man, flip it!
- I'm flipping it!
340
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:20,482
Did you guys see
341
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:22,475
Cece's new boyfriend,
the commoner?
342
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,487
Oh, wow, Schmidty,
you really lowered Cece's bar.
343
00:13:27,488 --> 00:13:28,533
There's got to be an explanation
for this,
344
00:13:28,534 --> 00:13:30,482
like he's the Lord of Winterfell
345
00:13:30,483 --> 00:13:32,467
or he's working with
a real piece of pipe.
346
00:13:32,468 --> 00:13:35,491
Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get
hung up on that guy.
347
00:13:35,492 --> 00:13:37,503
And here comes the weirdness.
348
00:13:37,504 --> 00:13:39,546
Not weird, just a guy
who really wants a drink.
349
00:13:40,546 --> 00:13:44,503
Mm-mmm! Mmm...
350
00:13:44,504 --> 00:13:46,457
Mmm!
351
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,488
It's like an explosion
of fruit!
352
00:13:47,489 --> 00:13:48,495
There it is.
353
00:13:48,496 --> 00:13:50,457
Look at me being so naughty!
354
00:13:51,517 --> 00:13:53,542
So naughty.
355
00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:01,483
- Hey.
- I'm Schmidt.
356
00:14:01,486 --> 00:14:04,528
I, too, was a sexual
partner of Cece.
357
00:14:04,529 --> 00:14:06,525
- Welcome to the party.
- Thank you for having me.
358
00:14:06,526 --> 00:14:07,538
Let me just tell you
359
00:14:07,539 --> 00:14:09,470
this is a very
impressive party.
360
00:14:09,471 --> 00:14:11,448
There's speakers everywhere.
There's one over there.
361
00:14:11,449 --> 00:14:12,510
I saw two on the back wall.
362
00:14:12,511 --> 00:14:14,546
Oh, there's one right there.
Didn't see that one before.
363
00:14:14,547 --> 00:14:17,504
- Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...
- Lots of speakers. Yeah.
364
00:14:17,507 --> 00:14:19,449
So, so what's your deal?
365
00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:21,487
I mean, do you vacation
in Europe ever?
366
00:14:21,488 --> 00:14:22,546
No. You know, I've never left
367
00:14:22,547 --> 00:14:25,525
- California in my life.
- You in a band?
368
00:14:25,528 --> 00:14:28,528
I don't, I don't like music.
What's up with me, you know?
369
00:14:28,529 --> 00:14:31,475
- You work for Goldman then?
- For who?
370
00:14:31,478 --> 00:14:33,524
This feels good.
I'm gonna go.
371
00:14:33,525 --> 00:14:36,525
Congratulations
on your penis, man.
372
00:14:37,521 --> 00:14:39,470
What's your name?
373
00:14:39,471 --> 00:14:42,449
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh!
374
00:14:42,450 --> 00:14:43,462
Could I get a broom?!
375
00:14:44,475 --> 00:14:45,525
Look at my butt.
376
00:14:45,526 --> 00:14:47,546
Look at my butt, stupid jerks.
377
00:14:56,483 --> 00:14:57,520
Hey, Jess.
378
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,461
Nick, I'm fine.
379
00:14:59,462 --> 00:15:01,466
I don't need you to be nice
to me right now.
380
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,537
Okay. You want me to be mean?
381
00:15:04,538 --> 00:15:06,512
- Yes.
- I'll give you mean, Jess.
382
00:15:06,515 --> 00:15:09,474
This is the easiest job
in the whole world!
383
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,487
The only thing
easier than this
384
00:15:11,488 --> 00:15:13,545
is passing out cigarettes
to prisoners.
385
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:17,466
And what if I wanted to
take a body shot off you?
386
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:22,449
Oh, yeah! I can't
because you're wearing
387
00:15:22,450 --> 00:15:24,474
a turn-of-the-century
bathing costume.
388
00:15:24,475 --> 00:15:27,449
How's this? Are you getting mad
or are you happy with this?
389
00:15:27,450 --> 00:15:28,462
It's good.
That's really good.
390
00:15:28,463 --> 00:15:30,516
So stop feeling sorry
for yourself, kid,
391
00:15:30,517 --> 00:15:34,478
and get up on that bar and
shake that piece of plywood
392
00:15:34,479 --> 00:15:36,454
- that you call an ass!
- That's too far!
393
00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:39,479
- Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.
- That is too far!
394
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,508
That is too far.
395
00:15:40,509 --> 00:15:43,471
This is so fun!
396
00:15:47,525 --> 00:15:50,470
♪ Sexy girl
all around the world ♪
397
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:52,466
No hat. No hat!
398
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:54,504
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
399
00:15:54,505 --> 00:15:58,499
♪ Sexy girl all around
the world ♪
400
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:02,466
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
401
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:06,458
- ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪
- Yeah!
402
00:16:06,461 --> 00:16:09,511
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
403
00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:14,449
♪ Sexy girl all around
the world ♪
404
00:16:14,450 --> 00:16:17,474
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
405
00:16:17,475 --> 00:16:19,458
You know, this Robby guy's
got nothing on me.
406
00:16:19,459 --> 00:16:20,529
- Right.
- I think I can get Cece back.
407
00:16:20,532 --> 00:16:22,453
Seriously,
just let it go.
408
00:16:22,454 --> 00:16:25,474
I just need to remind her
how amazing I am.
409
00:16:25,475 --> 00:16:28,470
Luckily, I've got something
up my sleeve.
410
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:29,492
Schmidt, no, no!
Schmidt, don't!
411
00:16:29,493 --> 00:16:31,471
Schmidt, no sleeves, please!
412
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:34,512
Shot girl, shot girl!
413
00:16:34,513 --> 00:16:38,470
Shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl, shot girl!
414
00:16:38,471 --> 00:16:40,511
Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl!
415
00:16:40,512 --> 00:16:42,511
Shot girl!
Shot girl!
416
00:16:44,508 --> 00:16:46,470
Shot girl!
417
00:16:48,454 --> 00:16:50,537
I'm a shot girl.
418
00:16:53,504 --> 00:16:55,467
Oh.
419
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,504
I'm a shot girl.
420
00:17:03,454 --> 00:17:05,516
Hey, J-Jess, Jess.
421
00:17:05,517 --> 00:17:06,546
Jess, where are you going?
422
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:09,507
What am I doing, Nick?
I'm a teacher.
423
00:17:09,508 --> 00:17:11,508
I'm not a shot girl.
424
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,449
Fire...
425
00:17:24,450 --> 00:17:28,458
the most dangerous element
of all of the elements.
426
00:17:29,450 --> 00:17:30,542
Now I'm doing this.
427
00:17:30,543 --> 00:17:33,449
Okay, let's see here.
428
00:17:33,450 --> 00:17:36,449
And then now I'm doing this.
429
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:38,495
Sure. And now I'm not sure
what I'm doing.
430
00:17:38,496 --> 00:17:41,470
I'm not actually quite sure
how to stop this.
431
00:17:41,471 --> 00:17:43,511
Um, this is definitely
real fire.
432
00:17:43,512 --> 00:17:46,453
I'm very apologetic.
I think everyone should leave.
433
00:17:46,454 --> 00:17:47,542
Um, thank you very much
for coming.
434
00:17:47,543 --> 00:17:49,491
There's party favors
at the door.
435
00:17:49,492 --> 00:17:52,449
I'd like to thank my urologist
for coming.
436
00:17:56,483 --> 00:17:58,456
Oh, wait. No, no, no,
everybody, look.
437
00:17:58,457 --> 00:17:59,546
I'm okay.
I got it under control.
438
00:17:59,547 --> 00:18:02,471
Cece, watch this one.
439
00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:06,471
Hey, look, Cece. Fire!
440
00:18:16,462 --> 00:18:18,503
Where's Robby?
441
00:18:18,504 --> 00:18:19,542
Pulling the car around.
442
00:18:19,543 --> 00:18:21,457
You really scared him.
443
00:18:22,508 --> 00:18:24,042
Why haven't you called me back
in two months, Cece?
444
00:18:24,543 --> 00:18:26,457
You are the one
who broke up with me.
445
00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:27,542
I don't see you
until you show up here tonight
446
00:18:27,543 --> 00:18:29,537
with... with a boyfriend?
447
00:18:30,038 --> 00:18:33,037
And please, please tell me
he's on some sort of medication
448
00:18:33,038 --> 00:18:35,021
that's making him
temporarily bloated.
449
00:18:35,022 --> 00:18:36,953
Come on, okay?
450
00:18:36,954 --> 00:18:38,029
You and I both know
we never would have worked.
451
00:18:38,030 --> 00:18:39,975
We are far too alike.
452
00:18:41,971 --> 00:18:44,029
Both so beautiful.
453
00:18:50,021 --> 00:18:52,958
You're gonna be fine.
You know that, right?
454
00:18:55,038 --> 00:18:58,041
Hey, uh, Cece, I...
455
00:18:58,042 --> 00:19:01,949
I got to know, why him?
456
00:19:01,950 --> 00:19:04,037
I mean, what, what is his brand?
457
00:19:04,038 --> 00:19:05,995
He's just a good guy.
458
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:08,041
And I'm...
459
00:19:08,042 --> 00:19:09,966
too dangerous?
460
00:19:09,967 --> 00:19:11,975
Yeah, that's it.
461
00:19:13,975 --> 00:19:15,037
I'll see you around, Schmidt.
462
00:19:15,038 --> 00:19:17,958
Yeah.
463
00:19:20,975 --> 00:19:22,016
Fun fact:
464
00:19:22,017 --> 00:19:25,011
There's a reason why guys
nickname me "T-Ball."
465
00:19:25,012 --> 00:19:26,961
When they step up
to the plate,
466
00:19:26,962 --> 00:19:28,012
they never strike out.
467
00:19:28,013 --> 00:19:30,961
Honey, what happened to you
in your life
468
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,002
that made you like this?
469
00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:33,973
I graduated from MIT,
and then I got
470
00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:36,046
into a horrible accident
where I lost half my brain.
471
00:19:36,047 --> 00:19:38,033
There it is.
472
00:19:57,975 --> 00:19:59,949
I came back
to say good-bye.
473
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:00,977
I figured that.
474
00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,037
I was kidding myself.
475
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,970
I love teaching.
476
00:20:07,971 --> 00:20:10,045
It's who I am.
477
00:20:11,046 --> 00:20:13,949
What if I
can't do anything else?
478
00:20:13,950 --> 00:20:15,949
Jess, come on.
I can't do anything,
479
00:20:15,950 --> 00:20:16,979
and look at me.
480
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:20,970
I'm kind of fine,
you know?
481
00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:25,987
It's just that being
a teacher was all
482
00:20:25,988 --> 00:20:28,028
I ever, ever
wanted to do.
483
00:20:28,029 --> 00:20:31,037
It just,
it just sucks, you know?
484
00:20:31,038 --> 00:20:33,991
Yeah, life sucks!
485
00:20:35,958 --> 00:20:38,017
And then it gets better,
and then it sucks again.
486
00:20:38,018 --> 00:20:39,024
Yeah.
487
00:20:39,025 --> 00:20:40,949
And then,
and then it just...
488
00:20:40,950 --> 00:20:41,992
- Sucks.
- ...sucks.
489
00:20:44,029 --> 00:20:47,949
Nick.
490
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:50,011
What?
491
00:20:50,012 --> 00:20:52,008
Will you be mean to
me one more time?
492
00:20:55,025 --> 00:20:56,528
Look sharp,
you dumb-ass!
493
00:20:56,529 --> 00:20:57,961
You look sharp!
494
00:20:57,962 --> 00:20:59,017
You're a terrible
shot girl!
495
00:21:00,950 --> 00:21:02,978
You got hoof hands
and a plywood ass, kid!
496
00:21:02,979 --> 00:21:05,045
You call that a shot girl
outfit, you dumb-ass?
497
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:07,961
I got mixed up-- I thought
it was a cigarette girl.
498
00:21:10,962 --> 00:21:12,978
That is what happened.
499
00:21:12,979 --> 00:21:16,974
You look like
a cigarette girl.
500
00:21:16,975 --> 00:21:20,024
♪ The chills that you spill
out my back keep me fill ♪
501
00:21:20,025 --> 00:21:22,032
♪ With satisfaction
when we're done ♪
502
00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:24,017
♪ Satisfaction
of what's to come ♪
503
00:21:24,018 --> 00:21:28,032
♪ I wouldn't dance for another ♪
504
00:21:29,033 --> 00:21:32,037
♪ I wouldn't dance
for another! ♪
505
00:21:33,038 --> 00:21:37,038
♪ Groove is in the house. ♪
Danger!
506
00:21:37,538 --> 00:21:42,038
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com